Transcript

#20 Soraya · Heavyweight

0:06
Speaker 1: Hello, I've been getting the feeling that you've been avoiding
0:09
Speaker 1: my calls, but.
0:15
Speaker 2: No really ever gives you that idea.
0:18
Speaker 1: So you mean my my paranoia is is true? You
0:22
Speaker 1: have been avoiding my calls. That means everyone's really out
0:28
Speaker 1: to get me.
0:28
Speaker 3: Do any of your friends like you anymore?
0:31
Speaker 1: I have a don't ask, don't tell policy about it
0:41
Speaker 1: from Gimlet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight
0:47
Speaker 1: Today's episode Soirea. In the fall of twenty fifteen, Sorea
1:03
Speaker 1: began her freshman year at Harvard. She was studying history,
1:07
Speaker 1: a subject that she's loved ever since she was a kid.
1:11
Speaker 3: The person that gave me my love of history was
1:13
Speaker 3: my dad. We would always watch documentaries together, which is
1:17
Speaker 3: one of my favorite things.
1:19
Speaker 1: Shortly after getting to Harvard, Soria met Professor Alyssa mount Pleasant.
1:24
Speaker 1: Soria liked the Lissa right away. She was a Native
1:27
Speaker 1: American history professor studying indigenous people. Siria also wanted to
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Speaker 1: tell the stories of people without a complete written history,
1:36
Speaker 1: in Sorea's case, African American people.
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Speaker 3: She was doing the type of history I wanted to do,
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Speaker 3: in the type of history that I love. She is
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Speaker 3: a woman of color, and you know it's game recognizing game.
1:48
Speaker 1: You felt a kinship.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, like I don't even know how old she is,
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Speaker 3: but she seems young, which was really inspiring.
2:00
Speaker 1: Alyssa was writing a book about a tribe called the
2:03
Speaker 1: hoden n Ashone, and she was looking for a research assistant,
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Speaker 1: someone to sift through microfilm of thousands of newspapers from
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Speaker 1: the early eighteen hundred.
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Speaker 3: She said that she didn't usually hire freshmen, but she
2:18
Speaker 3: was going to give me a chance, and she thought
2:20
Speaker 3: I was, I don't know, charming, the guiling. She didn't
2:24
Speaker 3: say these words out loud. I don't know, I don't
2:26
Speaker 3: know why you would hire me, but she did.
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Speaker 1: For reasons Soireya couldn't quite fathom. Alyssa had taken a
2:38
Speaker 1: chance on her, and for Sorea, that felt like an
2:41
Speaker 1: act of kindness. She was working alongside a mentor who
2:45
Speaker 1: saw something in her and contributing to a project that
2:48
Speaker 1: felt meaningful. Life seemed to be working out great. Sorea
2:52
Speaker 1: should have been thrilled.
2:55
Speaker 3: I found myself in a new school, surrounded by new people,
3:00
Speaker 3: things that I really loved, But I found myself very unhappy.
3:11
Speaker 1: Sarria had struggled with feelings of depression since she was
3:13
Speaker 1: a kid, but she'd always been able to pin those
3:16
Speaker 1: feelings on the world around her. Classes that weren't engaging,
3:20
Speaker 1: relationships that weren't fulfilling. But with her arrival at Harvard,
3:24
Speaker 1: she hoped that finally things might fall into place.
3:28
Speaker 3: But like every time I woke up there, it didn't
3:33
Speaker 3: feel right. You know. I don't know how to explain it,
3:36
Speaker 3: other than like whenever I look in the mirror, I
3:42
Speaker 3: don't feel like a Harvard student, Like I'm black, I'm Arab,
3:47
Speaker 3: I'm a woman. I just I felt bad about all
3:50
Speaker 3: of that, and I couldn't stop myself from feeling bad
3:53
Speaker 3: about it. And I felt sad because I felt bad
3:56
Speaker 3: that I felt bad, and it felt like things were
3:59
Speaker 3: supposed to get better, because on paper, my life had
4:05
Speaker 3: gotten better. But nothing changed.
4:10
Speaker 1: Siriah stopped going to class, stopped showering, stop sleeping. Sometimes
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Speaker 1: for almost a week straight. At night, she'd stay up
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Speaker 1: reading trashy romance novels and watching conspiracy videos on YouTube.
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Speaker 3: And there was something comforting about sort of being adjacent
4:27
Speaker 3: to crazy when you're feeling crazy. There would be long
4:35
Speaker 3: stretches of time when I wouldn't leave my room one
4:40
Speaker 3: of my roommates had left her keys in her room,
4:44
Speaker 3: and so she sent out a text on our group
4:47
Speaker 3: chat and was like, hey, is anyone in the room.
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Speaker 3: And she stood outside our door knocking and knocking and
4:55
Speaker 3: knocking and knocking, and I didn't move. I couldn't. I
5:03
Speaker 3: couldn't muster the energy to talk to anyone or to
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Speaker 3: face anyone. I really feel like I was a zombie.
5:13
Speaker 3: This is all happening. And one of the key relationships
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Speaker 3: that I was doing my best to maintain was my
5:22
Speaker 3: relationship with Alyssa. But I just I just kept digging
5:31
Speaker 3: a whole.
5:34
Speaker 1: When talking with me about her depression. Soirea is always
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Speaker 1: pretty even keeled until the subject of Alyssa comes up.
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Speaker 3: I just kept showing up to meetings, saying that I
5:44
Speaker 3: was doing things and like it was going great.
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Speaker 1: The truth was that shortly after being hired because of
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Speaker 1: her depression, Sorey's work researching Alyssa's book ground to a halt.
5:57
Speaker 1: But just the same, she kept on meeting with Alyssa.
6:00
Speaker 1: It was the only time all week that she showered,
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Speaker 1: that she got dressed and left her room.
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Speaker 3: Because I just wanted to meet with her. And for
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Speaker 3: those moments when I was meeting with her and we
6:11
Speaker 3: were talking and we were sharing. It just felt in
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Speaker 3: those moments like this is how I wanted my life
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Speaker 3: to be, but I couldn't have it outside of these
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Speaker 3: moments that were in the end a lie.
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Speaker 1: Eventually, Harvard tried to intervene, first with emergency meds and
6:34
Speaker 1: then psychiatric treatment, but nothing was helpful and in the
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Speaker 1: end Sorea was left with no choice but to drop out.
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Speaker 1: She returned to her childhood home, where she spent the
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Speaker 1: next two months in bed. Since dropping out, Sirey's depression
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Speaker 1: is lifted. A new therapist, then a new job of helped.
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Speaker 1: She says she generally feels good about things, except for
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Speaker 1: one particular thing. Sarria abandoned the project without ever saying
7:07
Speaker 1: anything to Alyssa. After dropping out. She just ghosted Alyssa,
7:14
Speaker 1: sent emails and tried to set up Skype sessions, but
7:17
Speaker 1: Soria never responded, and eventually Alyssa stopped reaching out. For
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Speaker 1: the last two years, Saray has been carrying around the
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Speaker 1: original flash drive where she saved all the old newspaper
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Speaker 1: articles that she was supposed to read through for Alyssa.
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Speaker 3: I've been carrying it with me in my backpack for
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Speaker 3: two years.
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Speaker 1: You've literally been carrying, like literally carrying it around as
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Speaker 1: a weight on your back. So what do you want.
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Speaker 3: I need to know whether or not I can make
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Speaker 3: it right by finishing this.
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Speaker 1: By this, she means the research work she promised Alyssa.
8:02
Speaker 1: Soirea doesn't just want to apologize. She wants to present
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Speaker 1: Alyssa with a bold gesture. And as far as gestures go,
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Speaker 1: the bold kind are my favorite. So, in answer to
8:13
Speaker 1: the question I've not yet been asked, yes, Sirea, I
8:17
Speaker 1: will be your life coach, helping you at every turn
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Speaker 1: to see this through. According to the Internet, every good
8:25
Speaker 1: life coach needs a catchphrase, an inspirational cohen that can
8:29
Speaker 1: bring solace during difficult moments, a soft light made of
8:33
Speaker 1: brave words to whisper when dark night has fallen. Something
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Speaker 1: wise yet simple, soulful but dignified. You're gonna boom boom
8:44
Speaker 1: boom bang it out. Say it with me. I'm going
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Speaker 1: to boom boom boom. Come on with me, I'm gonna
8:50
Speaker 1: boom boom boom bang it out. I know it seems
8:53
Speaker 1: I know it seems silly, but I'll say one part
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Speaker 1: of you say the next you'd boom boom M.
9:01
Speaker 3: I can't, I won't, I could, I won't.
9:06
Speaker 1: I get Sorea's hesitation. There's nothing more soul deadening than
9:11
Speaker 1: mindlessly repeating other people's slogans and catchphrases, of which it's
9:18
Speaker 1: time once again for an important message from a sponsor
9:21
Speaker 1: that I personally care about. Soria gets started on the project.
9:35
Speaker 1: On the flash drive she's been carrying around since she
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Speaker 1: left Harvard. There are sixty two PDF files, each one
9:41
Speaker 1: containing hundreds of pages of newspaper. Anytime a native person
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Speaker 1: is mentioned in any way, a marriage, an arrest, a
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Speaker 1: treaty being signed, Sorea makes a copy of the article
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Speaker 1: and then catalogs it. So after her regular nine to
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Speaker 1: five is finished and the office is emptied out, Sorea
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Speaker 1: remain at her desk, scrolling through years and years of microfilm.
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Speaker 1: And the plan is that at the end of each
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Speaker 1: week she's to check in with me so I can
10:09
Speaker 1: offer support and inspiration. Week one, so how is it going?
10:21
Speaker 3: And we'll find this week. I think it is in
10:26
Speaker 3: the doing that I will find some piece. So I'm
10:32
Speaker 3: excited and I.
10:34
Speaker 1: So far life coaching is a breeze for sure, easier
10:38
Speaker 1: than baseball or football coaching. But by week two Soreya
10:43
Speaker 1: and I hit a snag.
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Speaker 3: It's just God, I hate this about me so much.
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Speaker 3: I basically litigate with myself. I'm like, you know, if
10:55
Speaker 3: you start working at four and you do two hours
10:58
Speaker 3: of work, it'll only be That's fine. It's six pm.
11:04
Speaker 3: If you do two hours, that's only eight o'clock. It's
11:07
Speaker 3: four am. Okay, Soiria, you have to do it now
11:12
Speaker 3: or you're not going to be able to sleep tonight.
11:15
Speaker 3: It's six am. Well, you really can't sleep now because
11:20
Speaker 3: you have to be up for work in two hours.
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Speaker 3: It's eight am, and then I went to work. I
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Speaker 3: went to work.
11:33
Speaker 1: According to ancient Greek myth, as punishment for betraying the gods,
11:38
Speaker 1: Sisyphus was forced to spend eternity pushing a rock up
11:41
Speaker 1: a hill, only to have the rock roll back down
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Speaker 1: again when it reached the top. It was hell in
11:47
Speaker 1: the form of boredom and meaninglessness. Like Sisyphis, Soria sees
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Speaker 1: no end to her toil. She's sorting through mountains of
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Speaker 1: articles about lost wallets and lost umbrellas, the War of
12:00
Speaker 1: eighteen twelve, stolen horses, and scalpings. She scrolls and scrolls
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Speaker 1: and scrolls looking for any mention of indigenous people. She
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Speaker 1: can go hours, even days without finding anything relevant. Plus
12:14
Speaker 1: she doesn't even know if her work will have any worth.
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Speaker 1: Alyssa might have already finished her book, or worse because
12:22
Speaker 1: of her abandoned it entirely. It all feels pointless. Week ten.
12:30
Speaker 1: How did the weekend go?
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Speaker 3: Pretty? Pretty shit? Not good?
12:35
Speaker 1: But according to the Internet, a life coach has to
12:38
Speaker 1: be persistent, and so we keep checking in even when
12:42
Speaker 1: Sorey is out of town. Week eleven.
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Speaker 3: I did not work on this project this week. Week twelve,
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Speaker 3: this week has not been productive.
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Speaker 1: Week thirteen, this week did not go to plan. Week fourteen. Hello, Hey,
13:03
Speaker 1: this is Jonathan speaking.
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Speaker 3: Oh oh crap, I totally forgot about this.
13:13
Speaker 1: As a life coach. I'm also like Sissyphist. I'm pushing
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Speaker 1: a rock up a hill, and my rock is Soreya
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Speaker 1: pushing her rock up a hill. Should I be continuing
13:23
Speaker 1: to try to inspire you? I?
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Speaker 3: Uh, it's not you, It's me.
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Speaker 1: It is me, isn't it? Do you know? Are you
13:34
Speaker 1: familiar with the quote from Highlander? There is no trial? Wait?
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Speaker 1: Did I get there is no try. There can only
13:43
Speaker 1: be here. Oh no, sorry, it's Yoda. Do are not? Sorry?
13:47
Speaker 1: Do or do not? There is no try?
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Speaker 3: Thank you. I'm surprised you didn't try to imitate Yoda.
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Speaker 3: If I'm gonna be honest, I'm a little disappointed.
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Speaker 1: You done on showing Soireyah that there is no try.
14:00
Speaker 1: Is something that I must actually do rather than try
14:03
Speaker 1: to do. I must do to do, do or do not?
14:08
Speaker 1: There is no there is no try, do or do not. Wait.
14:14
Speaker 1: Let me I can nail this. Hang on, I've never
14:16
Speaker 1: really tried. You know when you can hear the voice
14:21
Speaker 1: in your head that you're trying to imitate, but you
14:23
Speaker 1: can't get it out, but you just know it's in there.
14:27
Speaker 1: What cannot be done? I always do what cannot be done. Huh,
14:34
Speaker 1: why did I start this? Anyone?
14:42
Speaker 3: What is this? It definitely feels like an intervention.
14:47
Speaker 1: Just because people are intervening they care about you, doesn't
14:49
Speaker 1: make it an intervention. Hang on a second, So the
14:52
Speaker 1: question of why did she start this? Anyone? I invite
14:56
Speaker 1: Sorea into the studio or a stage, a full on
14:59
Speaker 1: mo ALTI media event, or at least a single media event.
15:04
Speaker 1: I play Sireya some audio tape from the one person
15:08
Speaker 1: she needs to hear from most. I thought that maybe
15:11
Speaker 1: the best person for you to hear right now would
15:17
Speaker 1: be you.
15:19
Speaker 3: This is an intervention.
15:22
Speaker 1: Siria shakes her head and I press play, and together
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Speaker 1: we listened to a conversation that we had back when
15:28
Speaker 1: this whole thing began.
15:31
Speaker 3: I think it is in the doing that I will
15:34
Speaker 3: find some piece, you know.
15:39
Speaker 1: In his essay about Sisyphis, the French existentialist Albert Camier
15:44
Speaker 1: writes that Sisyphis's real struggle wasn't that he had to
15:47
Speaker 1: roll a heavy rock up a hill without ever getting
15:50
Speaker 1: to the top, but that he had to somehow find
15:52
Speaker 1: meaning in the rock rolling. Siria has lost sight of
15:56
Speaker 1: the thing that was bringing meaning to her rock rolling,
16:00
Speaker 1: lost sight of Alyssa, Like I don't even know how.
16:03
Speaker 3: Old she is, but she seems young, which was really inspiring.
16:08
Speaker 1: She was past Soria talks about how important Alyssa was
16:13
Speaker 1: to her, how kind she was when she was at
16:15
Speaker 1: her lowest, and as past Soria speaks present, Siria covers
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Speaker 1: her face.
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Speaker 3: I need to know whether or not I can make
16:24
Speaker 3: it right by finishing this.
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Speaker 1: I believe that person was talking from the heart Soria
16:38
Speaker 1: looks down at the table. She's quiet for a while,
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Speaker 1: thinking about Alyssa. And when they first met.
16:46
Speaker 3: I was feeling very bad about myself, and so this
16:50
Speaker 3: job like it was this moment my freshman year. Ah shit,
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Speaker 3: it's like, God, she's a deeply nice person.
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Speaker 1: So what are we gonna do? Sorea looks at me
17:13
Speaker 1: like I'm an idiot. Then her smile widens, and I'm.
17:20
Speaker 3: Gonna boom boom boom bang it out.
17:23
Speaker 1: Who's gonna boom boom boom bang it out?
17:26
Speaker 3: I'm going to boom boom boom bang it out.
17:30
Speaker 1: See how did that feel?
17:33
Speaker 3: About as good as I imagined it too.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna boom boom boom bang it out.
17:44
Speaker 3: I'm past the fifty percent march.
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Speaker 1: When we check back in a week later, it seems
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Speaker 1: Soray has gotten back what I will heretoforeth refer to
17:53
Speaker 1: as after carefully vetting my language with Gimlet Media's paralegal department.
17:58
Speaker 1: The look of the leper The glass is half empty
18:08
Speaker 1: or full, whichever The optimistic part is. You know you
18:12
Speaker 1: have emptied this glass of nagging, guilt and shame so
18:16
Speaker 1: that it's half empty, which is good.
18:19
Speaker 3: Okay again in the colloquial spear of things that would
18:25
Speaker 3: sound really really negative.
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Speaker 1: Are you sure?
18:27
Speaker 2: I don't know.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you might have that backwards And from here,
18:34
Speaker 1: the half empty glass just keeps getting emptier.
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Speaker 3: Week fifteen, I would say I'm at fifty two percent.
18:45
Speaker 1: Week sixteen, I'm at sixty percent. Week seventeen. I'm gonna
18:50
Speaker 1: put it out sixty two Week eighteen.
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Speaker 3: The seventy five percent mark.
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Speaker 1: It isn't always easy. There are still stops in starts.
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Speaker 1: Sorea gets tired, Sorea gets bored, Soria gets busy, but slowly.
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Speaker 1: Soraya nears the finish line. Week twenty four.
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Speaker 3: I think I'm going to get there. I'm almost done.
19:14
Speaker 3: I think I have two I have two of those
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Speaker 3: files left. I can do that.
19:23
Speaker 1: Week twenty six, So, yeah, what do you have to
19:28
Speaker 1: tell me?
19:29
Speaker 3: I'm done?
19:31
Speaker 1: You're done?
19:31
Speaker 3: I'm done?
19:37
Speaker 1: After the break? Alyssa, Yes, it's a boy call around
19:53
Speaker 1: Train forty three and stops at Newark, Chanson, Philadelphia. Is
19:58
Speaker 1: that us? My history is Melissa is currently doing academic
20:02
Speaker 1: research in Philadelphia. So Sorey and I meet at New
20:06
Speaker 1: York's Penn Station, and right and early we board a
20:09
Speaker 1: train to Philly. As Soreya's life coach. I'm a nervous wreck,
20:15
Speaker 1: so I can only assume that Sorea must be feeling
20:17
Speaker 1: three to six times as anxious as I am. I
20:21
Speaker 1: try to soothe her. Do you find that sounds soothing?
20:24
Speaker 1: Time to hear it? Check it, check it, check check it,
20:27
Speaker 1: check it, check it, check out. Soreya doesn't appear to
20:30
Speaker 1: find it soothing, so I pull out another life coaching technique,
20:35
Speaker 1: breathing in. I'm breathing in. I don't know that was
20:42
Speaker 1: breathing out.
20:43
Speaker 3: I was breathing out.
20:45
Speaker 1: Gotta confused. Sometimes Sirea didn't get any sleep the night
20:49
Speaker 1: before interfugue state of sleep deprivation. I can only assume
20:55
Speaker 1: that Sorea must be experiencing this train trip, not as
20:58
Speaker 1: an actual train trip, but as a symbolic and surreal
21:01
Speaker 1: train trip of self discovery. We chug along past Newark,
21:06
Speaker 1: New Jersey, home of the first successful submarine voyage, Elizabeth,
21:12
Speaker 1: New Jersey, birthplace of the first ice cream soda in
21:15
Speaker 1: New Jersey. Rahway, New Jersey, originally called spank towns by
21:21
Speaker 1: early settlers for disgusting reasons. I won't go into here. Andalusia,
21:28
Speaker 1: New Jersey filming locale for the NBC pilot Outlaw, which
21:33
Speaker 1: started Young Jimmy Smith's and ran for eight episodes. And finally,
21:43
Speaker 1: so here we are. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, Philadelphia.
21:49
Speaker 1: Welcome to Philly. Yeah they call it. They call it
21:52
Speaker 1: Philly for short, third short for Philip, Philipdelphia. Outside the
21:58
Speaker 1: train station, the city is bustling. As Sorea's life coach
22:04
Speaker 1: slash tour guide, I point out the sights and sounds
22:07
Speaker 1: of the city. Look at this, look at that. There's
22:10
Speaker 1: the Crack Liberty, there's those stairs that Rodney ran up,
22:13
Speaker 1: and there's a tub of cream cheese Philadelphia Fresh. We
22:19
Speaker 1: cab over to the Temple University campus where I've set
22:22
Speaker 1: up our meeting with Alyssa. Here we are. We're on campus. Yeah,
22:28
Speaker 1: feeling that adrenaline that that that college sort of we're
22:32
Speaker 1: college students and we could do anything we want.
22:34
Speaker 3: I miss the sweats carrying pizza luck because there's.
22:39
Speaker 1: A guy that's like cheap beer at a frat party.
22:45
Speaker 1: It's all rising up in me, running through the dorm
22:48
Speaker 1: in my underwear hacky sack and my underwear underwear pong
22:52
Speaker 1: underwear runs no pants parties, all the college things I
22:56
Speaker 1: experienced in movies, but not in my five years at
23:00
Speaker 1: the Sir George Williams campus of downtown Montreal's Concordia University.
23:05
Speaker 1: What good was my education? Anyway? As for Soirea, after
23:12
Speaker 1: being out of school for a couple of years, now,
23:14
Speaker 1: I wonder what it's like for her to be back
23:16
Speaker 1: on a college campus. It's hard, though, to tell what
23:19
Speaker 1: she's feeling.
23:21
Speaker 3: It's literally exactly.
23:28
Speaker 1: I've arranged to meet Alyssa at the Entertainment and Community
23:31
Speaker 1: Education Center on the edge of campus. We're a few
23:34
Speaker 1: minutes early, so Sirea decides to use the extra time
23:38
Speaker 1: to run into the bathroom, but just as she steps
23:41
Speaker 1: into the hallway, she comes face to face with a
23:44
Speaker 1: wavy haired woman wearing narrow, black framed glasses.
23:50
Speaker 3: Hi, how are you.
23:52
Speaker 1: It's Alyssa.
23:54
Speaker 3: How are you good. It's so good to see you.
23:57
Speaker 3: It's good to see you.
23:58
Speaker 1: Too, send Soria stand around awkwardly in the hallway, not
24:03
Speaker 1: sure what to say. As they fall into silence, Sorea's
24:07
Speaker 1: life coach springs into action. To meet you now, Alyssa
24:16
Speaker 1: and Srea and I stand around awkwardly in the hallway,
24:19
Speaker 1: not sure what to say.
24:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm good, We'll take care of Melissa.
24:24
Speaker 1: Sorry that you could do your twilet and be at
24:26
Speaker 1: your best. Great, come on in. When Sarria returns from
24:35
Speaker 1: the bathroom, she finds Alyssa already seated at a large
24:38
Speaker 1: round table. Sia sits beside her. Together, they try to
24:43
Speaker 1: figure out how to begin.
24:48
Speaker 3: How have you been? I've been good, I've been busy,
24:52
Speaker 3: I've been I've been well. How are you I've been
24:55
Speaker 3: I've been both up and down? Yeah, I really, I
25:08
Speaker 3: mean what comes to mind is that I left you
25:10
Speaker 3: high and dry. And by the time.
25:14
Speaker 1: We met, Soria gets right into it, telling Alyssa all
25:18
Speaker 1: the things that two years ago she wasn't able to.
25:22
Speaker 4: I was in a really dark place and had She
25:27
Speaker 4: tells Alyssa about not being able to leave her dorm room,
25:31
Speaker 4: about how everything in her life was falling apart, how
25:34
Speaker 4: meaningless it all felt, how ultimately she had to drop
25:38
Speaker 4: out of school.
25:39
Speaker 1: But she tells Alyssa about her depression.
25:42
Speaker 3: And I was trying really really hard to be okay,
25:49
Speaker 3: but like what I'm what I'm most ashamed of is
25:56
Speaker 3: that I couldn't just like tell you. I just didn't
26:02
Speaker 3: feel like I could tell you or anyone which is
26:07
Speaker 3: to me sad because you were so nice.
26:13
Speaker 1: Did you ever suspect that Sorea might be depressed?
26:18
Speaker 3: I had no idea. I had absolutely no idea.
26:26
Speaker 1: So less it turns to Sorea, I.
26:29
Speaker 5: Was immediately impressed with you. You have an energy and
26:34
Speaker 5: an enthusiasm and an honesty that is refreshing.
26:42
Speaker 3: And inspiring.
26:46
Speaker 1: So sorry, if I could just jump in for a minute,
26:49
Speaker 1: you never felt like let down, or you didn't feel
26:53
Speaker 1: angry or upset.
26:57
Speaker 5: I might have been a little frustrated, but I was
27:02
Speaker 5: never angry or disappointed. If anything, I was trying to
27:08
Speaker 5: be compassionate about the workload that I was imagining you had,
27:14
Speaker 5: not knowing that there was another workload that you had
27:17
Speaker 5: that that you were dealing with. So you shouldn't feel
27:21
Speaker 5: like you left me high and dry.
27:24
Speaker 1: Sarria can't understand how Alyssa could feel this way, how
27:27
Speaker 1: easily she's letting her off the hook. She came to
27:30
Speaker 1: ask for forgiveness for screwing over her mentor, and she's
27:34
Speaker 1: not buying Alyssa's response, Well, I just.
27:37
Speaker 3: Felt like I hadn't accomplished anything, and like when I
27:41
Speaker 3: was so, I was just going to jump in that
27:43
Speaker 3: is wrong.
27:46
Speaker 1: For the first time all afternoon. Alyssa drops her measured
27:49
Speaker 1: tone and interrupts, Soria, you had.
27:52
Speaker 5: Done a tremendous amount of work, and my recollection was
27:59
Speaker 5: that there was just a little bit more that needed
28:01
Speaker 5: to be done.
28:05
Speaker 1: Sorea looks confused, and at this point I probably do too.
28:10
Speaker 1: The way Sirea had always explained it to me, she'd
28:13
Speaker 1: done almost no work on the project. She'd failed the project,
28:17
Speaker 1: failed Alissa, and failed herself.
28:22
Speaker 5: You know, I have an image in my mind of
28:25
Speaker 5: the drop box file with a number of different.
28:30
Speaker 1: Alyssa brings up the existence of a drop box folder.
28:33
Speaker 1: It was there. She says that they both shared articles
28:36
Speaker 1: and material as they worked on the project.
28:39
Speaker 5: Spreadsheets, Excel spreadsheets and links to them, and there was additional.
28:45
Speaker 1: It seems that on June fourteenth, twenty sixteen, just before
28:49
Speaker 1: she ghosted on Alyssa, Soirea had uploaded almost half of
28:53
Speaker 1: the required research. Not only that, but she'd organized it too.
28:59
Speaker 1: And yet it doesn't remember any of this. For the
29:02
Speaker 1: past two years, she's accepted her failure as the truth.
29:06
Speaker 1: To now hear otherwise, it is hard to process.
29:12
Speaker 3: What I'm sort of realizing is that I let the
29:18
Speaker 3: fact that I didn't finish something eclipse the fact that
29:22
Speaker 3: I had done anything at all.
29:26
Speaker 1: Sirea had been telling herself a story that she'd failed,
29:30
Speaker 1: that she'd made a mess of everything. In truth, though,
29:33
Speaker 1: that was just a story the depression had been telling.
29:37
Speaker 1: But it's this story that, two years later has stuck
29:41
Speaker 1: with her. It took Alyssa the historian to excavate the past. Eventually,
29:52
Speaker 1: the conversation turns to the matter of the work that
29:54
Speaker 1: Sorea truly, verifiably didn't do. Did you you end up
30:00
Speaker 1: having to hire another researcher to do what Soria was doing,
30:04
Speaker 1: or did you do it yourself or it's still not done.
30:08
Speaker 1: Hearing this, Sorea reaches into her bag and begins fumbling inside.
30:13
Speaker 1: She pulls out the flash drive that contains all the
30:15
Speaker 1: work she's done over the past six months. She explains
30:18
Speaker 1: why she traveled all the way to Philly.
30:21
Speaker 3: I brought it because I wanted to give it to you.
30:30
Speaker 1: Soria begins in accounting of everything she's done in preparation
30:33
Speaker 1: for the meeting.
30:34
Speaker 3: So I read about a decade's worth of newspaper and
30:40
Speaker 3: clipped I think it's like seven hundred articles and so
30:44
Speaker 3: I'll just give you a quick look at what's inside.
30:48
Speaker 1: But Soria speaks, Alyssa shakes her head.
30:52
Speaker 3: Any of them the other thing is like it's the
30:54
Speaker 3: War of eighteen twelve.
30:56
Speaker 1: So there's just at first in disbelief because.
30:59
Speaker 3: I also I just thought the creek stuff that's going
31:02
Speaker 3: on is so fascinating.
31:03
Speaker 1: But eventually in amazement.
31:06
Speaker 3: What's going on with the tusc Aurora. It's wild to me.
31:11
Speaker 1: And then I sit back and watch this side of
31:14
Speaker 1: Soirea that I've not seen before. In spite of her
31:17
Speaker 1: sleep deprived state, she has a natural enthusiasm, a passion
31:21
Speaker 1: for the subject, and a command of the material, all
31:25
Speaker 1: qualities Alyssa must have seen when she first decided to
31:27
Speaker 1: hire her. Back then, Alyssa didn't see the depression. She
31:32
Speaker 1: saw through it to other things, things that at the
31:36
Speaker 1: time Soirea couldn't see herself. Maybe this is why Alyssa
31:40
Speaker 1: took a chance on a freshman.
31:43
Speaker 5: It's staggering the amount of work that you've taken on.
31:49
Speaker 5: I'm overwhelmed, and I wonder about and here I'm spitballing.
31:57
Speaker 1: Alyssa pauses for a moment, rubs here, But I wonder if.
32:02
Speaker 5: There might be a co authored piece, or at least
32:06
Speaker 5: co credited piece, because that wouldn't be possible without Saraya's work.
32:19
Speaker 3: I'm I'm so glad that you're okay. Yeah, I am too.
32:29
Speaker 3: I still want to say sorry. I don't know, I
32:31
Speaker 3: know you don't seem to need it. Accept your apology,
32:38
Speaker 3: It's okay, that's okay.
32:45
Speaker 1: Just before the rock rolls back down and the schlap
32:47
Speaker 1: begins anew. In that brief pause when the stone is
32:51
Speaker 1: perfectly balanced at the mountain's top, Sissyphus must experience a
32:55
Speaker 1: moment of respite, a moment when he can unclench his jaw,
32:59
Speaker 1: rub his nack, scratches back. Siria still struggles with depression,
33:05
Speaker 1: with whether she's ready to return to school, but for now,
33:09
Speaker 1: there's a moment of peace. On the train ride back
33:15
Speaker 1: to New York, Soria curls up in her sweatshirt and
33:18
Speaker 1: rests her head against the window. And were it not
33:21
Speaker 1: for the relentless affirmations of her life coach I find
33:24
Speaker 1: train travel, the gentle chugga chugga of the train would
33:28
Speaker 1: have by now rocked her to sleep. What's the expression again,
33:32
Speaker 1: I don't know, Bippy bobbity boom, We're gonna escape, We're
33:38
Speaker 1: gonna bip up.
33:40
Speaker 3: I thought you've said that, what is it? Boom boom boom,
33:42
Speaker 3: that's boom boom boom boom, bang it out.
34:10
Speaker 2: Now that the furnitures returning to it's goodwill home, Now
34:19
Speaker 2: that the last month's rant is scheming with the damaged pos,
34:25
Speaker 2: take this moment to deserve, if we meant it, if
34:31
Speaker 2: we talk, are felt around for far too.
34:39
Speaker 1: From things good Accidentally. Heavyweight is hosted and produced by
34:47
Speaker 1: me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Peter Bresnan, Khalila Holt, and
34:51
Speaker 1: Stevie Lane. The show is edited by Jorge Just, with
34:54
Speaker 1: additional editing by Alex Bloomberg. Special thanks to Emily Condon,
34:58
Speaker 1: Jasmine Romero, Matilda or Felina, Amber Davis, b A. Parker,
35:02
Speaker 1: and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed the episode with music
35:05
Speaker 1: by Christine Fellows, Blue Dot Sessions and he himself, Bobby Lord.
35:09
Speaker 1: Additional music credits can be found on our website gimletmedia
35:13
Speaker 1: dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The
35:16
Speaker 1: Weaker Thands courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music
35:19
Speaker 1: is by Hailey Shaw. Follow us on Twitter at heavyweight
35:22
Speaker 1: or email us at Heavyweight at gimltmedia dot com. We'll
35:25
Speaker 1: have a brand new episode next week