Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Pits You Against Coworkers
Transcript
- Lucas: You know that phrase 'healthy competition'? Some bosses take that concept and turn it into something pretty destructive. They deliberately set team members against each other — not to spark innovation, but to consolidate their own power. Luna: I've seen this play out. It's almost like the boss becomes a puppet master, and everyone else is on edge because you never know who's being set up against you. Lucas: Exactly. I want to zero in on a specific case from a mid-size tech company — about three hundred employees, based out of Austin. The VP of product started pitting her four senior managers against each other. She'd pull one aside and say, 'I'm not sure Mark has the right strategic vision, but I'm counting on you.' Then she'd tell Mark the same thing about someone else. Luna: So basically triangulation. Classic high-control tactic. Lucas: Right. And it worked — for her. For about eighteen months, each manager was so focused on outshining the others that they stopped collaborating. Features shipped late because teams wouldn't share code. Morale tanked. Turnover hit forty percent in that department alone. And the VP? She kept her job for two more years before the C-suite finally noticed the pattern. Luna: That's the scary part. The boss benefits in the short term — more personal loyalty, less collective pushback — but the organization hemorrhages talent. So what do you do if you're in that situation? Lucas: The first step is recognizing the pattern for what it is. If you notice your boss praising you to your face but criticizing a coworker behind their back — and you've heard them do the reverse to others — that's a red flag. Especially if they frame it as 'I'm trusting you with this.' Luna: Yeah, the 'you're the only one I can count on' routine. It feels flattering at first, but it's actually a setup. Lucas: Once you see it, the natural instinct is to fight harder, to prove you're the best. But that plays right into the boss's hands. The more effective move is actually the opposite: quietly rebuild trust with your peers. One of the senior managers in that Austin company — let's call her Priya — she figured out what was happening and started having off-the-record coffee with the other managers. No agenda. Just 'Hey, I value working with you, and I want to make sure we're not being set against each other.' Luna: That takes courage. Because if the boss finds out, you could be seen as colluding. Lucas: It does. But Priya and two of the other managers formed what I'd call a 'coalition of the sane' — three people who agreed to share information about what the VP was saying to each of them privately. They didn't confront her. They just stopped being pawns. They started coordinating their responses, sharing credit publicly, and backing each other in meetings. Luna: What happened to the fourth manager who didn't join? Lucas: He stayed loyal to the VP, thinking he'd get promoted. He did get a small raise, but within a year, the VP was pitting him against a new hire. He eventually quit. The coalition — Priya and the other two — they lasted. When the VP finally left, two of them were promoted into more senior roles, and the company actually started to recover. Luna: So the playbook is: don't isolate yourself, don't compete harder, and don't confront the boss directly. Instead, build quiet alliances with peers who share your interest in a healthy team. Lucas: That's the core. There's also a tactical communication piece. When your boss tries to pit you against someone, you can deflect without being insubordinate. Say something like, 'I think Sarah and I are aligned on the goal, and we're working together on the timeline.' That signals to the boss that you're not playing the game. Luna: And it also sends a signal to Sarah — indirectly — that you're not buying into the narrative. Do you think this tactic works at higher levels too, or is it mainly for middle management? Lucas: It works at any level, actually. I've seen executives do it to other executives. The dynamic is the same: a CEO who plays division heads against each other. The antidote is always the same — peer-level trust that bypasses the boss's manipulation. It's harder at the top because the stakes are bigger, but the principle holds. Luna: One thing I'd add: keep a private record of the triangulation. If you ever need to escalate to HR or a higher executive, having specific examples — dates, quotes — makes it credible. Otherwise it sounds like office gossip. Lucas: Great point. Document, but don't weaponize it unless you have to. Priya kept a simple spreadsheet — date, context, what the VP said. She never used it against the VP, but when the C-suite finally investigated, she had clear examples. That made the difference between a he said she said and a pattern of behavior. Luna: And what about the people who don't have a single ally on the team? If you're new, or if the boss has isolated everyone from each other. Lucas: That's the hardest scenario. In that case, you need to build one bridge outside the immediate team — maybe a peer in a different department, or a mentor in another part of the company. Someone who can validate your perception and give you perspective. Because when you're isolated, the boss's narrative becomes your only reality. Luna: And sometimes the smartest move is to leave. If the coalition-building doesn't work and the culture is rotten, staying too long can damage your career trajectory and your mental health. Lucas: Absolutely. But I'd argue it's worth trying the coalition approach first. People often underestimate how much power peers have when they act together. One person standing up to a toxic boss gets crushed. Three people quietly shifting the dynamic? That's a different story. Luna: It reminds me of that concept from political science — 'the power of the weak.' Even without formal authority, coordinated resistance can create change. Lucas: Exactly. And I think it's worth saying: if you're in this situation, it's not your fault. The boss is the one creating the toxicity. Your job is to protect yourself and your colleagues, not to fix the boss. Luna: That's a good note to end on. Before we wrap, Lucas — I know we normally don't do this, but I want to mention something. A bunch of listeners have asked how we keep this show going without ads. Lucas: Yeah, it's a fair question. The answer is pretty simple: a handful of people who listen chip in a few bucks each month through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's literally it. No sponsors, no corporate overlords, just listeners who find the show useful. Luna: And we're grateful for every single one. It's not a guilt trip — we're not going anywhere. But if you've ever gotten value from an episode, especially if it helped you navigate a tough boss situation, that's the kind of support that keeps us doing this. Lucas: Right. And now back to something we touched on earlier — the long-term cost for the organization. Because even if the boss eventually leaves, the damage can persist. Luna: Yeah, that's a sobering thought. The team culture doesn't automatically heal. Lucas: No, it doesn't. In the Austin company, after the VP left, the new VP had to spend a full year rebuilding trust. They did team offsites, one-on-ones, and actively encouraged cross-team collaboration. Even then, some of the people who left never came back, and the institutional knowledge loss was real. Luna: So the cost of a divide and conquer boss isn't just individual misery — it's measurable business damage. Lucas: Exactly. And that's why I think it's important for people who experience this to know it's not just 'politics.' It's a leadership failure with real consequences. If you're a leader listening, the lesson is: if your team is competing against each other instead of the market, that's on you. And if you're an employee, the lesson is: you have more agency than you think. Luna: You just have to use it the right way — not by fighting harder, but by building bridges. Lucas: That's the takeaway. Build the coalition of the sane. It might just save your career and your sanity.