Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 385. Entering your UNBOTHERED and THRIVING era

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385. Entering your UNBOTHERED and THRIVING era · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:11
Speaker 1: Hello everyone, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:15
Speaker 1: So this podcast episode is the first episode that I'm
0:18
Speaker 1: recording back in my beautiful studio this year. So I
0:23
Speaker 1: pre recorded all of the last ten episodes for your
0:27
Speaker 1: entering twenty twenty five mini kind of course, hopefully you
0:31
Speaker 1: went and did all the ten days. I had such
0:33
Speaker 1: great feedback from you guys, so thank you. I think
0:36
Speaker 1: I want to start doing more kind of like mini
0:38
Speaker 1: series within the podcast because it's something that people can
0:41
Speaker 1: really like dig their what's the saying, synk their teeth
0:45
Speaker 1: into and yeah, basically like really get involved in the
0:49
Speaker 1: whole thing. So I really enjoyed that, loved your feedback.
0:51
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. We will be doing more of
0:53
Speaker 1: those this year anyway, So it's good to be back.
0:57
Speaker 1: If you're watching the video of this, just joys in
1:00
Speaker 1: my life. I've got a new microphone like headcover with
1:03
Speaker 1: DYFM on it. So that's I Catak and I'm very
1:06
Speaker 1: excited about it. And before I get into this episode,
1:10
Speaker 1: by the way, the episode is all about being unbothered
1:15
Speaker 1: and thriving. It's your Unbothered slash Thriving era. I'm going
1:19
Speaker 1: to go through five things that I want you to
1:23
Speaker 1: focus on to become less bothered. I'm going to give
1:26
Speaker 1: you exactly what I mean by bothered. I'm going to
1:29
Speaker 1: talk about what it's like when you become unbothered versus
1:33
Speaker 1: when you are very bothered, okay, and all the things
1:35
Speaker 1: that can actually the positive things that can come off
1:37
Speaker 1: it when you start to kind of release a little
1:40
Speaker 1: bit of control, when you start to release the need
1:42
Speaker 1: to attach yourself to things that probably aren't the healthiest
1:46
Speaker 1: thing to attach yourself to. So there'll be five points.
1:48
Speaker 1: I'll be diving deep. It's going to be a great
1:50
Speaker 1: fucking time. Now, quick, little, very very important update, and
1:55
Speaker 1: that is that the live show, the DYFM Live Show
2:01
Speaker 1: is happening. It's happening in May. If you don't follow
2:04
Speaker 1: me on socials then you might not have seen it.
2:06
Speaker 1: But I've only done kind of the first release of tickets,
2:08
Speaker 1: but there's more releases to come. But basically I'm doing
2:12
Speaker 1: a live show tour in May in Australia, and the
2:15
Speaker 1: cities are going to be and i'll tell you the
2:16
Speaker 1: dates right now. We've got Gold Coast on the second
2:18
Speaker 1: of May. We've got Brisbane on the fourth of May,
2:21
Speaker 1: Adelaide on the sixteenth of May, Perth on the twenty
2:24
Speaker 1: first of May, and Melbourne on the twenty fourth of May.
2:27
Speaker 1: I am so excited I just can't heard it. I
2:32
Speaker 1: am not doing Sydney on this tour. I will be
2:34
Speaker 1: doing Sydney later in the year. That's the plan. The
2:38
Speaker 1: reason I chose not to do Sydney in this tour
2:41
Speaker 1: is because I only did a Sydney Live show last
2:43
Speaker 1: year and I thought that I'd like to focus on
2:45
Speaker 1: doing all the other cities that I had in my
2:49
Speaker 1: wish list to do before I go ahead and do
2:52
Speaker 1: another Sydney show. So I hope that makes sense now
2:54
Speaker 1: Having said that, this live show is going to be
2:58
Speaker 1: different to the Sydney Live show. The Sydney Live Show
3:00
Speaker 1: was my first ever live show. I loved every second
3:03
Speaker 1: eff it, I loved it was just amazing. And to
3:06
Speaker 1: meet you guys and to see you there in person,
3:08
Speaker 1: I can't even words, can't describe. It can only be
3:11
Speaker 1: described through interpretive dance and like drums and music to
3:16
Speaker 1: the interpretive dance. But this one is going to be
3:19
Speaker 1: a little bit more structured. There's going to be more
3:21
Speaker 1: kind of you know, now that I've done the first
3:23
Speaker 1: live show I'm able to really wrap my head around
3:25
Speaker 1: what I want this live show to be. And this
3:27
Speaker 1: live show is going to be. I'm taking you guys
3:29
Speaker 1: on a bit of a journey. The title of the
3:31
Speaker 1: show is called Lost but make it intentional, and it
3:35
Speaker 1: is all about your journey through life, where I take
3:38
Speaker 1: you through a bit of my journey through life in
3:40
Speaker 1: like a narrative kind of style, but I give you
3:43
Speaker 1: ten key lessons to take home with you. Then we're
3:46
Speaker 1: going to have a live Q and a where people
3:48
Speaker 1: can ask questions on the like at the event, and
3:52
Speaker 1: then we're going to have other things as well, and
3:55
Speaker 1: just to make it super super fun and exciting. So
3:57
Speaker 1: I am so excited. I cannot wait. That was one
4:01
Speaker 1: of the absolute highlights of my year last year, and
4:04
Speaker 1: to think that I'm doing five, there'll be five highlights
4:07
Speaker 1: this year. I'm just so happy. So if you do
4:10
Speaker 1: want tickets for the live show, the easiest way to
4:13
Speaker 1: access the tickets will be to just go to my
4:15
Speaker 1: website www dot dyfmpod dot com. Just click on the
4:21
Speaker 1: little menu and it'll be live show tickets and then
4:23
Speaker 1: from there it will take you to a page and
4:25
Speaker 1: you just select the city and then that link will
4:28
Speaker 1: take you to the page of the venue of that
4:31
Speaker 1: city where you can book your tickets and select your
4:33
Speaker 1: seats and all of that. So that's how it's going
4:35
Speaker 1: to roll out. I will be reminding you as we
4:37
Speaker 1: go along based on ticket sales and how they're going
4:41
Speaker 1: to jump on it and get your far a contech
4:43
Speaker 1: lots because it's going to be unreal. I'm so excited. Anyway, Ah,
4:48
Speaker 1: that's it for my life update, my Live show life update.
4:52
Speaker 1: Now let's go straight into the podcast topic of today,
4:55
Speaker 1: because there's a lot that I kind of want to
4:57
Speaker 1: impart onto you and to get you and Bird for
5:00
Speaker 1: your year of being unbothered and thriving. Now, it's really
5:03
Speaker 1: funny because I was talking to my best friend Live
5:06
Speaker 1: and she said to me, and I'd already like planned
5:08
Speaker 1: out this episode. I had all my notes, and I've
5:11
Speaker 1: been planning this episode for a little bit, just kind
5:12
Speaker 1: of like revisiting the doc and just I kept adding
5:17
Speaker 1: notes to it. And Live the other day said to me,
5:19
Speaker 1: she goes, you know what, I've got one word that
5:21
Speaker 1: I'm going to really lean into this year, and it's
5:24
Speaker 1: going to be kind of like my mantra for the year,
5:26
Speaker 1: and that is unbothered, And I'm like, you know what,
5:29
Speaker 1: We're on the fucking same wave length, babe, because I'm
5:31
Speaker 1: currently doing an episode about unbothered. She's like, stop, stop,
5:34
Speaker 1: I can't wait to hear and I can't wait to
5:35
Speaker 1: hear it. So let's dive straight in. I don't have
5:39
Speaker 1: a brain fact today. I'm so sorry. I know I
5:41
Speaker 1: should for the first like normal episode back of the year,
5:44
Speaker 1: but alas here we are. Okay. So the first thing
5:48
Speaker 1: is what does unbothered look like? Because by the end
5:53
Speaker 1: of this episode, I want these things to be part
5:55
Speaker 1: of your life part a few year. Okay. So it
5:58
Speaker 1: is not letting things to you, things that don't need
6:02
Speaker 1: to get to you, not letting them get to you.
6:04
Speaker 1: It looks like being able to brush something off that
6:07
Speaker 1: did affect you, being able to process it more so
6:10
Speaker 1: in the moment, instead of letting it fester and moving
6:13
Speaker 1: on without it weighing you down, even if it's still
6:16
Speaker 1: something that's happening, even if it's something that you can't solve.
6:19
Speaker 1: It's being able to be like, all right, this is
6:20
Speaker 1: a thing. I've acknowledged it, I'm processing it, but I'm
6:23
Speaker 1: not going to let it ruin my day. So it's
6:25
Speaker 1: not about not giving a fuck. It's not about not caring.
6:28
Speaker 1: It's about not letting things bother you past the point
6:31
Speaker 1: of necessities. Okay, it is having no need or no
6:38
Speaker 1: desire to get someone to do something for you and
6:42
Speaker 1: then feeling like you've been let down if they haven't
6:44
Speaker 1: done it for you because you are minding your own business.
6:46
Speaker 1: A big part of being unbothered is really learning to
6:49
Speaker 1: mind your own business. When you take care of your shit,
6:53
Speaker 1: you're less bothered about what people are doing with their shit.
6:57
Speaker 1: And this kind of ties into what Mel Robins. If
6:59
Speaker 1: you listen to Mal Robins, great great podcast. She's just
7:02
Speaker 1: a legend in general, great books, but she talks about
7:05
Speaker 1: this this let them theory. You know, you feel so
7:08
Speaker 1: much better instead of like, why am I here trying
7:11
Speaker 1: to control someone to do something to make me feel
7:13
Speaker 1: like you know, this is a valid relationship, whether it's
7:16
Speaker 1: a friendship or romantically. I need to let this person be.
7:19
Speaker 1: And if I let this person be, then I'm going
7:21
Speaker 1: to be able to make up much better judgment on
7:24
Speaker 1: how I want to navigate this moving forward. Do I
7:27
Speaker 1: want this person in my life? And if they are
7:28
Speaker 1: in my life. I'm able to have much better expectations
7:32
Speaker 1: of what I can expect for them and what I can't.
7:34
Speaker 1: Being unbothered is acknowledging that and realizing that you ultimately
7:38
Speaker 1: cannot control someone else's behavior. So the best thing you
7:41
Speaker 1: can do is learn what their real behaviors are and
7:44
Speaker 1: then decide what you're going to do about it, and
7:46
Speaker 1: then become really unbothered because you're like, I'm dealing with
7:47
Speaker 1: my shit. I'm going to focus on my fucking shit.
7:50
Speaker 1: You focus on your turd, all right. The next thing
7:54
Speaker 1: is is it's going where the energy is and not
7:58
Speaker 1: pushing against where energy is not. One of the biggest
8:01
Speaker 1: disservices that we can do to ourselves is trying to
8:06
Speaker 1: get someone to see us for who we are, trying
8:08
Speaker 1: to get someone to like us, trying to prove our worth,
8:10
Speaker 1: prove our worth, prove our worth, when meanwhile, there's probably
8:13
Speaker 1: a lot of pockets or areas in our life where
8:15
Speaker 1: your worth is being realized, but you're not leaning into it,
8:18
Speaker 1: you're not aware of it, You're you're focusing on something else.
8:21
Speaker 1: So you're feeling pretty low about yourself or shit about yourself.
8:24
Speaker 1: It's a blow to your self esteem. So I feel
8:27
Speaker 1: like this is one of the areas that this year
8:30
Speaker 1: I really want you to focus on. It's like, I
8:32
Speaker 1: need to lean into areas where the good energy is.
8:35
Speaker 1: And if I find myself trying to prove to someone
8:39
Speaker 1: that I'm good enough or prove to someone that I'm
8:41
Speaker 1: worth it, this is where I need to really pull
8:43
Speaker 1: back because that is a leech. It is a leach
8:46
Speaker 1: of your energy. It's a leech of the you know,
8:49
Speaker 1: the goodness that you can bring into your relationship with yourself.
8:52
Speaker 1: It's a leach if you feel good neurochemicals, it's not
8:55
Speaker 1: fucking worth it. If you're sitting here trying to convince
8:57
Speaker 1: someone that you're good enough, you are wasting your time. Okay,
9:01
Speaker 1: because if someone can't see it doesn't make them a
9:03
Speaker 1: bad person, but they just value things differently to what
9:06
Speaker 1: you do. Like sometimes I look back when I used
9:09
Speaker 1: to date, and I would, you know, fall ahead of
9:14
Speaker 1: obviously Limerens, but I'd be like head of the hills
9:16
Speaker 1: over someone and they'd just be like mah towards me.
9:19
Speaker 1: But I'd be like really fighting it, like really trying
9:22
Speaker 1: to get them to see me in the best light
9:24
Speaker 1: to the extent that I try and like, pretend to
9:26
Speaker 1: like things that they like, or pretend to like have
9:28
Speaker 1: the same humor as them. To be like, I need
9:30
Speaker 1: them to see me in the best light possible for
9:32
Speaker 1: them to really like me. But what ends up happening
9:34
Speaker 1: is that I'm putting across a version of myself that's
9:37
Speaker 1: not really that great. It's not really like me. And
9:42
Speaker 1: also I'm expecting them to value things that I value.
9:45
Speaker 1: I'm expecting them to think that what's good in a
9:49
Speaker 1: person or what is what is valuable in a partner
9:52
Speaker 1: is what I see as good and valuable in a partner.
9:54
Speaker 1: The fact that they didn't quote unquote see my worth
9:56
Speaker 1: doesn't make them a bad person. It just doesn't make
9:59
Speaker 1: us the approb match. Okay, someone's not going to see
10:02
Speaker 1: your worth because what you have to offer is not
10:04
Speaker 1: what they value. That doesn't make them a bad person,
10:06
Speaker 1: and it definitely doesn't make you a bad person. But
10:09
Speaker 1: I've gone on a tangent. But that's super important when
10:11
Speaker 1: it comes to being unbothered. It's like, I don't need
10:14
Speaker 1: to make you feel a certain way. That's not my
10:17
Speaker 1: fucking job. Okay. The next thing is being able to
10:21
Speaker 1: dismiss things that are not directly related to you. How
10:25
Speaker 1: often do we ponder and fester on something that it's like,
10:29
Speaker 1: if you really thought about it, it's like, wait a minute,
10:32
Speaker 1: if I was to step back, this is not actually
10:34
Speaker 1: directly related to me, Why am I working myself up
10:39
Speaker 1: about this? And, like I've mentioned before, like attracts like
10:42
Speaker 1: it is very easy to work yourself up about anything.
10:46
Speaker 1: We don't need to do that, okay, And then the
10:50
Speaker 1: last one, being unbothered, it looks like being able to
10:53
Speaker 1: switch to problem solving mode a lot faster and spending
10:57
Speaker 1: less time in emotional melting down mode. Now. I'm going
11:01
Speaker 1: to talk about the importance of feeling your emotions later
11:03
Speaker 1: on in this episode, because that's crucial, But I think
11:08
Speaker 1: it's really important to realize that so much of being unbothered,
11:11
Speaker 1: it's again, it's not about avoiding, not caring, not paying attention.
11:15
Speaker 1: It's thinking what do I have control over? What don't
11:18
Speaker 1: I have control over? Now, let's work with what I've got,
11:21
Speaker 1: and if I don't have that, it's about accepting and redirecting.
11:25
Speaker 1: That's what being unbothered is. It's got nothing to do
11:28
Speaker 1: with disrespect or dismissing or not giving a flying fuck. Okay. Now,
11:33
Speaker 1: the beauty of it is that all of what I
11:34
Speaker 1: just said is available to you. It might take a
11:37
Speaker 1: little bit longer if you're someone that's like, yeah, but
11:39
Speaker 1: I get flustered. Really fucking easy, it's fine. We are
11:42
Speaker 1: training our brains. At the end of the day. You
11:45
Speaker 1: are looking at your brain as a muscle to be trained.
11:48
Speaker 1: If you're someone that says, oh, but no, no, no, no,
11:51
Speaker 1: I fly off the handlebuzz too easily, but things set
11:53
Speaker 1: me off so easily, road reade drives me and saying
11:56
Speaker 1: that's fine, We've now acknowledged our starting point. There's nothing
11:59
Speaker 1: wrong with that. So the best thing that you can
12:01
Speaker 1: do is be aware. There's nothing more attractive than someone
12:04
Speaker 1: who's self aware. And then once you're self aware, then
12:06
Speaker 1: you take the next step to say, what can I
12:08
Speaker 1: do about this? Okay. So if you're someone that says, well,
12:11
Speaker 1: this is going to be a big journey for me,
12:12
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. Okay, it doesn't matter. It's a journey,
12:15
Speaker 1: and you can start that journey today, and the brain
12:18
Speaker 1: can be trained no matter where you are starting from.
12:21
Speaker 1: It's easier for some people than others. But we're not
12:23
Speaker 1: here to compare our journey to other people's journeys. You're
12:26
Speaker 1: on your own fucking journey right now. Now what is bothered?
12:31
Speaker 1: And then I've got to go into all the points.
12:33
Speaker 1: So this is where things affect you. This is where
12:35
Speaker 1: things affect your mood, where things cause you to be anxious.
12:38
Speaker 1: It's overthinking, it's catastrophizing. It's mind reading and thinking of
12:42
Speaker 1: the worst case scenario when you do try and read
12:45
Speaker 1: someone's mind and think what they're thinking. And the humiliation,
12:48
Speaker 1: the embarrassment, Oh my god, it's fear of missing out.
12:51
Speaker 1: Fomo is bothered. There's fomo is like a crazy, crazy
12:57
Speaker 1: example of bothered. Okay. It's regrets, fearing if you've made
13:01
Speaker 1: the wrong decision, fear of what people will think. That's
13:05
Speaker 1: that's being bothered. Okay, I'm very fucking bothered right now.
13:07
Speaker 1: It's annoyed. It's someone getting on your nerves. It's things
13:11
Speaker 1: piercing you off unnecessarily, where you just irritated and irritable.
13:16
Speaker 1: It's feeling rattled, agitated, all of the above. That's what bothered. Okay.
13:21
Speaker 1: It's also thinking about your mistakes of the past, thinking
13:24
Speaker 1: about how embarrassing something was, or how embarrassing something could be.
13:28
Speaker 1: So it's going to stop you from doing something. It's
13:31
Speaker 1: everything that's going to ultimately make you slow down or
13:34
Speaker 1: pause or hold yourself back. Okay, and it's also going
13:37
Speaker 1: to make you feel shit. So if you're wondering what
13:39
Speaker 1: the kind of bothered feel like, that's what I'm referring
13:42
Speaker 1: to now, mind you, I just want to make something
13:45
Speaker 1: very clear. I'm not referring to bothered about caring about
13:52
Speaker 1: someone or something or putting effort in. That's very different.
13:55
Speaker 1: This is not a plight to get everyone to not
13:58
Speaker 1: give a fuck about anything. It is, you know me
14:03
Speaker 1: caring about something is not about being bothered or unbothered, Okay.
14:06
Speaker 1: I'm talking about things that are negatively affecting us in
14:09
Speaker 1: our life that we can actually afford to get rid of.
14:13
Speaker 1: Being Unbothered should also never directly impact someone else as
14:17
Speaker 1: well being so it shouldn't be a quest to become
14:20
Speaker 1: as selfish as possible and not factoring the people that
14:24
Speaker 1: are closest to us in our lives. Where it's important
14:26
Speaker 1: that we, you know, give, because in order to have
14:29
Speaker 1: healthy relationships, we have to give as much as we
14:31
Speaker 1: want to receive. All right, So when you're talking about
14:34
Speaker 1: being unbothered, it's not about oh, well, now I'm just
14:36
Speaker 1: going to live for me. I'm going to do everything
14:37
Speaker 1: for myself, and my partner can basically get fucked, or
14:39
Speaker 1: my housemates can get fucked, or my family they can
14:41
Speaker 1: be the ones called. Obviously, I think if you like
14:44
Speaker 1: that goes without saying, but I thought i'd just quickly
14:46
Speaker 1: address it just in case, because you know, in case
14:50
Speaker 1: I didn't make myself clear. Now, the one thing that
14:54
Speaker 1: you do have crazy control over, whether you've got control
14:57
Speaker 1: over it yet or whether you're going to have control
14:59
Speaker 1: over it, is your emotions and how you express your
15:04
Speaker 1: emotions more importantly, because you might not have direct control
15:08
Speaker 1: over the initial emotion that you feel, but what you
15:11
Speaker 1: do have control over is what you do after that
15:14
Speaker 1: and how you express yourself after that. That's what we're
15:17
Speaker 1: focusing on, because there is nothing wrong, if anything, it's
15:21
Speaker 1: great that we feel the entire spectrum of emotions that's
15:24
Speaker 1: available out there. That's what makes us human, that's what
15:26
Speaker 1: makes you who you are. Okay, So what your focus
15:30
Speaker 1: is is not I don't want to feel anxious. I
15:32
Speaker 1: never want to feel stressed because that's actually going to
15:33
Speaker 1: exacerbate the problem. If you think, oh my god, I'm
15:36
Speaker 1: flawed because I'm feeling these things, it's not a good thing.
15:38
Speaker 1: So instead you're going to think, I can feel everything
15:40
Speaker 1: I want to feel. I'm not here to block these feelings.
15:43
Speaker 1: I'm here to acknowledge that feeling in the moment and
15:45
Speaker 1: see is this useful is it not? And regardless if
15:48
Speaker 1: it is or not, how am I going to express myself?
15:51
Speaker 1: What am I going to do with this moving forward?
15:52
Speaker 1: And yes, at the moment, like in the beginning, it's
15:55
Speaker 1: going to feel like a lot of work. Because you
15:57
Speaker 1: are very aware that becomes second nature and subconscious very quickly,
16:04
Speaker 1: very quickly. The more consistent you are, the faster it
16:07
Speaker 1: becomes a subconscious process. The more inconsistent you are, it's
16:11
Speaker 1: just going to take a bit longer, but it still
16:13
Speaker 1: can become a subconscious process if you do it regularly enough.
16:16
Speaker 1: Now let's get into it. Since the first the first
16:42
Speaker 1: thing that I want you to focus on is number one,
16:46
Speaker 1: mastering the art of detachment. That is the first thing
16:51
Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about in the next five
16:53
Speaker 1: out of these five points. Okay, so this is learning
16:56
Speaker 1: to stop attaching yourself to shit unnecessarily, Okay, you don't
17:01
Speaker 1: want to be making a storm in a paper cup.
17:03
Speaker 1: And we do this all the time. I do it.
17:06
Speaker 1: I like to think that I do it a lot less.
17:08
Speaker 1: But when I am aware of attaching myself and detaching myself,
17:13
Speaker 1: I can almost instantly snap myself out of a spiral
17:17
Speaker 1: of something. If I think, alexis you are attaching yourself
17:20
Speaker 1: to something that you don't need to be attaching yourself.
17:23
Speaker 1: That interception of your logic into your emotions does wonders.
17:29
Speaker 1: I've spoken about this on the podcast. I've done tiktoks
17:32
Speaker 1: on this, I've done whatever. But the idea of name
17:36
Speaker 1: it to tainment will really help you in this detachment.
17:39
Speaker 1: And name it to tainment is simply you name what
17:42
Speaker 1: you're feeling in the moment. Now. It sounds very basic
17:44
Speaker 1: because it is. But what's actually happening in the brain
17:46
Speaker 1: when you name it toertainment is you're feeling an emotion
17:49
Speaker 1: that's very emotion, like emotional, mid brain primitive. It's like
17:53
Speaker 1: I need to protect myself or retreat or whatever. I
17:56
Speaker 1: have it. I have a visceral emotion. Number one, okay,
17:59
Speaker 1: number two. You name it when you name it. You
18:02
Speaker 1: switch the dominant region of the brain that is paying
18:06
Speaker 1: attention to this stimulus. So, for example, if you're feeling
18:10
Speaker 1: scared about something or insecure about something, you're sitting in
18:13
Speaker 1: your emotions. It feels very intense, feels awful, anxious, and
18:17
Speaker 1: then you name it. That is your prefrontal cortex. It's
18:21
Speaker 1: the reasoning part of the brain. It's the executive function
18:24
Speaker 1: kind of the brain, and you kick it into action.
18:26
Speaker 1: The moment you kick that part of the brain into action,
18:29
Speaker 1: you're reasoning, it starts to calm down the other part
18:34
Speaker 1: of the brain. So while that stimulus is still there,
18:37
Speaker 1: while that thing that made you feel stressed or fearful
18:40
Speaker 1: may still be there, the way you perceive it instantly
18:45
Speaker 1: begins to settle down to an extent. For some people
18:47
Speaker 1: it's massive. For other people it takes the edge off.
18:50
Speaker 1: But it's worth doing because that is one of the
18:52
Speaker 1: first ways that you can really master the art of detachment.
18:55
Speaker 1: You want to name it, bring your conscious awareness into it,
18:59
Speaker 1: so you're able to like talk yourself down if that
19:00
Speaker 1: legend be like all right, and then you want to
19:03
Speaker 1: ask yourself, do I need to be attached to this thing?
19:06
Speaker 1: Do I need. Is this a need? Because this is
19:09
Speaker 1: a need, We're in a need by need basis right
19:11
Speaker 1: now when we're talking about becoming unbothered, all right now,
19:16
Speaker 1: I also want you to learn to reason your way
19:19
Speaker 1: out of something. Reasoning is your ticket out of feeling
19:24
Speaker 1: attached or bothered about something, Okay, because it is pulling
19:29
Speaker 1: yourself out of this reactive emotional state and bringing yourself
19:33
Speaker 1: into a proactive, problem solving logical state. Now, emotions are
19:39
Speaker 1: very important. That's why we want to work with both.
19:41
Speaker 1: I'm not saying switch up emotions. I'm saying, let's work
19:43
Speaker 1: with what we've got and let's get them both working
19:45
Speaker 1: together as a team within your brain. Okay. Now, detachment
19:50
Speaker 1: does not mean indifference. It means freeing yourself from the
19:53
Speaker 1: need to control people, freeing yourself from the need to
19:56
Speaker 1: control outcomes and situations. It is realizing that when you
20:00
Speaker 1: are clinging to expectations, you will often be let down
20:07
Speaker 1: or it will lead to stress. It will lead to
20:10
Speaker 1: you waiting, and you know, putting yourself on hold or
20:14
Speaker 1: on pause for something else to occur. When you are
20:17
Speaker 1: attaching yourself to an outcome, you're probably not really enjoying
20:21
Speaker 1: the journey. That much. It takes you out of the
20:24
Speaker 1: present moment and it puts you somewhere in the future,
20:27
Speaker 1: which may be causing you stress or anxiety, or it
20:30
Speaker 1: may be causing tension within a relationship. Okay, so you
20:35
Speaker 1: can practice this by number one name it's the same it
20:39
Speaker 1: of course. And then the other one is using affirmations
20:42
Speaker 1: like I can release the need to control what I
20:46
Speaker 1: cannot control. Okay if it's not in my control, it's
20:50
Speaker 1: not in my control. Certain things like that, And it
20:53
Speaker 1: sounds basic, but again that's you your logic mind talking
20:56
Speaker 1: to your emotional centers right out regulating your emotions. By
21:03
Speaker 1: doing this actually helps you regulate your emotions even more so.
21:07
Speaker 1: What I mean by that is like attracts, like the
21:10
Speaker 1: first time you do it, you think you know. For example,
21:12
Speaker 1: I did a TikTok talking about name entertainment and someone
21:16
Speaker 1: comments being like, well I try. I listened to this
21:17
Speaker 1: TikTok and I tried. It didn't work for me, and
21:20
Speaker 1: I'm like, all right, well, firstly, not everything that I
21:22
Speaker 1: say is going to work for absolutely everyone. Let that
21:24
Speaker 1: be clear. I'm not some guru I'm giving I'm trying
21:28
Speaker 1: to give suggestions for how people can live their life
21:31
Speaker 1: and it's not going to work for everyone. Number one,
21:32
Speaker 1: number two doing something once it's like me calling up
21:36
Speaker 1: my patafter first of the sessions out I don't have
21:39
Speaker 1: abs do the work for me, and hanging up. You
21:41
Speaker 1: got to do something several times over, so you regulate
21:45
Speaker 1: the first time. You might notice the difference. You might not.
21:48
Speaker 1: You regulate again, You regulate again. You start teaching your
21:51
Speaker 1: brain how to regulate, to the extent that you teach
21:53
Speaker 1: it well enough that it does it automatically. Okay, So
21:57
Speaker 1: the more you regulate, the more you regulate. Okay, you
22:01
Speaker 1: go from a conscious conscious effort to subconscious processes. Right.
22:07
Speaker 1: The next thing I want you to do, still were
22:08
Speaker 1: still stickings to Step one is I want you to
22:11
Speaker 1: identify normal triggers and preempt them so you can kind
22:16
Speaker 1: of nip it in the bud. If I know that
22:19
Speaker 1: something is going to be like a trigger or something's
22:22
Speaker 1: going to set me off, then going into it knowing
22:25
Speaker 1: it actually makes it easier for you to be prepared
22:29
Speaker 1: and do something about it. For example, if you're someone
22:31
Speaker 1: that has crazy road rage, if you were to say
22:34
Speaker 1: before you get in the car, today is not the
22:37
Speaker 1: day I'm not the fucking one. I am going to
22:40
Speaker 1: prioritize my peace of mind. Things are going to happen
22:43
Speaker 1: on the road that I can't control. There are going
22:45
Speaker 1: to be morons on the road. That is a given.
22:49
Speaker 1: I know this. So I need to settle myself before
22:54
Speaker 1: I get in the car, right, and then just that
22:57
Speaker 1: is enough to prime yourself because you now set yourself
23:00
Speaker 1: being like I know that this is a possibility. If
23:03
Speaker 1: something is likely to set you off, then you need
23:07
Speaker 1: to learn how to preempt it so that way you
23:10
Speaker 1: can do something about it before it sets you off.
23:12
Speaker 1: If someone normally pisces me off, you know, with how
23:15
Speaker 1: they talk before I interact with them, I can say, okay,
23:18
Speaker 1: just settle, Just take a big breath in it annoys
23:21
Speaker 1: you for these reasons, exhale. I know I can't control it,
23:24
Speaker 1: and I'm just going to go in just the conscious
23:26
Speaker 1: awareness of it. I can guarantee you will help you,
23:29
Speaker 1: you know, like, prevent you from flying off the handlebars,
23:32
Speaker 1: because once you do fly off the handlebars, that's when
23:35
Speaker 1: it is a lot harder to bring yourself back down.
23:38
Speaker 1: It's very possible, but it just requires more effort. And
23:40
Speaker 1: it feels like it's more of an emotional kind of
23:42
Speaker 1: journey to do. So, now, before I go into the
23:45
Speaker 1: next point, I do want to emphasize that feeling your
23:48
Speaker 1: emotions is extremely important. However, if you are angry, that
23:53
Speaker 1: is not you feeling your emotions. Anger is a secondary emotion.
23:56
Speaker 1: So when you are feeling angry, that is you avoiding
24:00
Speaker 1: another underlying emotion. So if you feel anger coming on,
24:04
Speaker 1: I want you to pause and think, all right, what's
24:07
Speaker 1: the actual emotion that is underlying? And I'm allowed to
24:09
Speaker 1: feel that, But anger is me avoiding. Am I feeling abandoned?
24:13
Speaker 1: And my feeling hurt? Humiliated? Am I scared? Am I anxious?
24:20
Speaker 1: You know that there's so many things that could you know?
24:22
Speaker 1: Am I frustrated? You know? I want you to acknowledge
24:25
Speaker 1: what the underlying feeling is that's causing you to have
24:28
Speaker 1: this angry outburst, because feelings should be felt, but anger
24:32
Speaker 1: is not your feeling your feelings. Right. That is why,
24:35
Speaker 1: in my opinion, a lot of men who don't address
24:38
Speaker 1: their emotions have angry outbursts, but then they call women emotional. Okay, Anyway,
24:44
Speaker 1: Number two Number two is master the pause. So the
24:49
Speaker 1: importance of a pause, the significance of a pause. This
24:53
Speaker 1: is going to transform your life. And all you have
24:57
Speaker 1: to do is before reacting, before saying anything, you pause,
25:02
Speaker 1: you take one breath. That moment of the will change
25:11
Speaker 1: how you respond to that situation, to that stimulus. At
25:15
Speaker 1: the start, it's going to be like I'm holding myself.
25:17
Speaker 1: I'm holding myself. And then the more you do it,
25:19
Speaker 1: you start to think, I'm taking this regulating breath. I
25:23
Speaker 1: spoke about it, and I don't know how long ago
25:25
Speaker 1: it was not that long ago, about the importance of
25:27
Speaker 1: a sigh and how that regulates your nervous system. That pause,
25:34
Speaker 1: ideally mixed with a nice deep breath, or in conjunction
25:37
Speaker 1: with a nice deep breath, will actually help you regulate
25:40
Speaker 1: how you're feeling and respond appropriately instead of snapping, saying
25:44
Speaker 1: something you're gonna regret, or start to mind rate and
25:47
Speaker 1: start to spiral, and then you just you know, you're
25:49
Speaker 1: not actually present in the moment. You start to catastrophize
25:52
Speaker 1: what someone's thinking about you and this and that you
25:54
Speaker 1: just pause, take a deep breath. You regulate your nervous
25:57
Speaker 1: system just like dogs do when they're about to go
25:59
Speaker 1: to bed and take a really big sigeh, and then
26:02
Speaker 1: you're able to be like, all right, I can approach
26:04
Speaker 1: this with where I've switched modes. You are actually switching modes.
26:08
Speaker 1: With that pause and a breath, You are switching modes.
26:11
Speaker 1: You go from reactive to proactive. It is so quick,
26:14
Speaker 1: it is so easy, and it is your the probably
26:16
Speaker 1: the fastest and of the points that I'm saying, it
26:20
Speaker 1: is the quickest and probably the most effective way to
26:23
Speaker 1: become unbothered. The pause and the breath. It is a
26:26
Speaker 1: game changer. So use it as often as you want.
26:29
Speaker 1: And it's free. Okay, it's fucking free. We can all
26:31
Speaker 1: do it. Number three is rewire through self talk. Okay,
26:37
Speaker 1: so how you speak to yourself will determine how you feel,
26:43
Speaker 1: and then how you feel is going to determine how
26:45
Speaker 1: you act and how you behave in your natural environment. Okay,
26:48
Speaker 1: So we want to be replacing these things, these statements
26:52
Speaker 1: to ourselves, with something that's a little bit more empowering
26:54
Speaker 1: or where you feel like you have a little bit
26:55
Speaker 1: more control over yourself, because remember, being unbothered is about
26:59
Speaker 1: minding your own fucking bit business, not worrying about what
27:01
Speaker 1: other people are doing, because the moment you start worrying
27:03
Speaker 1: about what other people are doing. You're worrying about something
27:05
Speaker 1: that's not within your control, and then you're going to
27:07
Speaker 1: get really stressed out. Okay, so I want you to,
27:11
Speaker 1: you know, have statements that you're going to replace. So
27:12
Speaker 1: if you're saying I can't believe this is happening to me,
27:14
Speaker 1: I can't believe this is happening to me, you instead
27:17
Speaker 1: could be like, I wonder what I'm going to learn
27:19
Speaker 1: from this, or you could you could instead be like,
27:24
Speaker 1: I've gone through something similar and I came out the
27:26
Speaker 1: other end or last time this happened. This is how
27:30
Speaker 1: I dealt with it. Okay, Because if you're saying I
27:32
Speaker 1: can't believe this is happening to me, you're basically saying
27:37
Speaker 1: I'm actually in control of everything, and this is actually
27:40
Speaker 1: a shock that something that's not in my control is
27:42
Speaker 1: happening to me. I can believe this is happening to
27:44
Speaker 1: me because life is unpredictable. Given that, I also can
27:49
Speaker 1: believe that I'm pretty resourceful and I'm pretty resilient. So
27:52
Speaker 1: I'm going to see how I'm gonna I'm interested to
27:54
Speaker 1: see how I can turn this situation around. Okay, So
27:57
Speaker 1: there's many things that you can say that's not like
28:00
Speaker 1: like woohoo, oh my god, nothing, I'm scared, nothing's hurting
28:04
Speaker 1: you know. You can approach this very differently, but it's
28:07
Speaker 1: still dealing with the fact that something is happening to you.
28:13
Speaker 1: When something you know happens to you that or when
28:17
Speaker 1: you fail at something, you can say you know, or
28:20
Speaker 1: a breakup or whatever. You could say I've handled this,
28:23
Speaker 1: or I've handled worse, or I've come out of something
28:26
Speaker 1: like this before. I can come out of this again.
28:29
Speaker 1: If anything, it will be easier for me to come
28:31
Speaker 1: out of it this time because I've done it a
28:33
Speaker 1: couple of times before. All right, I also want you
28:37
Speaker 1: to look at journaling prompts as well, if that helps you.
28:43
Speaker 1: I think journaling prompts are really good because it sets
28:45
Speaker 1: you up for the day. It kind of gives you
28:47
Speaker 1: like an overall theme to think about for the day.
28:50
Speaker 1: I always talk about priming yourself for the day, whether
28:52
Speaker 1: that be physically or emotionally or mentally, so writing something down,
28:56
Speaker 1: ideally physically writing something down. There's something that's just special
28:59
Speaker 1: about pen to paper physically doing it where it's a
29:02
Speaker 1: statement where you could be like how can it be
29:05
Speaker 1: kinder to myself today? Or how can I show myself
29:07
Speaker 1: patience today? Or where can I prioritize my peace of
29:11
Speaker 1: mind today? Okay, things like that. Now, another thing that
29:16
Speaker 1: you can say, and I say this to myself quite often.
29:19
Speaker 1: This is a statement that I said to myself very
29:22
Speaker 1: very often, and it really helps me, and that is,
29:25
Speaker 1: if I can't control it, at least, I'm not going
29:28
Speaker 1: to let it control me. And that has helped me
29:31
Speaker 1: through so many situations because I think this is happening
29:36
Speaker 1: to me, but unfortunately or fortunately, it's only up to
29:40
Speaker 1: me to decide how I proceed. I can't stop that
29:43
Speaker 1: things from happening. There's so many things that are not
29:46
Speaker 1: in my control, so I can't. I can't stop a
29:48
Speaker 1: moving train, but I can I can have some level
29:54
Speaker 1: of input into how much that thing is going to
29:56
Speaker 1: control me, because I have to decide where I'm going
29:59
Speaker 1: to go and what I'm going to do in response
30:02
Speaker 1: to this thing, or if I'm not going to give
30:03
Speaker 1: it any airtime at all, I can either respond to
30:05
Speaker 1: it or remove myself from the situation altogether. So I say,
30:08
Speaker 1: if I can't control it at least I won't let
30:10
Speaker 1: it control me, use it, abuse it, use it as
30:15
Speaker 1: much as you like. I love it. Number four is
30:18
Speaker 1: create an emotional like toolkit basically. So basically, this is
30:25
Speaker 1: a toolkit that is going to help you. And I've
30:29
Speaker 1: spoken about this before. It's going to help you basically
30:34
Speaker 1: turn things around in that moment. It's kind of a
30:37
Speaker 1: way once you've done what you need to do, Like
30:38
Speaker 1: I've addressed this thing, I'm not going to be bothered
30:41
Speaker 1: by it. I'm not going to try and control something
30:42
Speaker 1: I can't control. Now I need to pivot. I need
30:45
Speaker 1: to pivot to get myself into a good mood. So
30:48
Speaker 1: this could be you know, like I said, statements for yourself, affirmations, whatever.
30:53
Speaker 1: They're good pivots, but stronger pivots are going to be
30:57
Speaker 1: things like, you know, music is a really good one.
31:02
Speaker 1: Something that's going to you know, bring on a strong
31:06
Speaker 1: positive emotion. So you've got to have one playlist that's
31:09
Speaker 1: kind of like your amp up playlist. It's like a
31:11
Speaker 1: right of pivoted whatever. And I'm going to listen to
31:13
Speaker 1: this music that always empowers me, or I'm going to
31:17
Speaker 1: read over you know, like I've got a folder in
31:19
Speaker 1: my phone and it's screenshots of either beautiful messages that
31:22
Speaker 1: you guys have sent me, or that like my friends
31:24
Speaker 1: and family have sent me, but like things that when
31:25
Speaker 1: I read, I'm like, oh, I feel so like grateful
31:30
Speaker 1: and loved and loving and all of that. It's a
31:32
Speaker 1: really nice feeling. So that could be one of those things.
31:34
Speaker 1: It could be a little like folder of photos that
31:37
Speaker 1: when you look at them, whether it's vision board photos
31:39
Speaker 1: or whether it's photos of your life, where it's just
31:42
Speaker 1: images of things that make you feel good about yourself. Right,
31:45
Speaker 1: So that is this emotional toolkit. It's once we've identified
31:48
Speaker 1: the emotion, once we've done what we need to do
31:51
Speaker 1: to get in control, to be a bit more logical
31:53
Speaker 1: about it, then we want to have this pivot to
31:56
Speaker 1: pivot us into a better feeling state. That's huge and
31:59
Speaker 1: iterates the process so much faster. Okay, now, the last
32:06
Speaker 1: one is I want you to and this is huge
32:10
Speaker 1: in being unbothered and it sounds pretty basic, but it's
32:13
Speaker 1: so fucking important. And from now on, every single day
32:16
Speaker 1: in the morning, at the start of the day, at
32:18
Speaker 1: some point, I want you to say, I'm going to
32:20
Speaker 1: prioritize micro joy moments. So this is where I'm really
32:25
Speaker 1: going to lean in. There are so many times in
32:28
Speaker 1: the day where good, funny, happy things are happening, but
32:31
Speaker 1: we might just skim over them completely because our mind
32:36
Speaker 1: is somewhere else and we're being bothered about something that
32:39
Speaker 1: we actually cannot control. All right, So I want you
32:42
Speaker 1: to really lean into these tiny, tiny moments instead of
32:48
Speaker 1: always having your mind being like, but the ultimate goal
32:51
Speaker 1: is there, that's the end goal. That's the end goal.
32:52
Speaker 1: Do you know how much you step over completely when
32:55
Speaker 1: you're focusing too heavily in your future about the end
32:58
Speaker 1: goal and this thing has to happen so much, Okay,
33:01
Speaker 1: and weirdly enough, when I zoom in or not even
33:06
Speaker 1: zoom in, but when I when I am way more
33:08
Speaker 1: present and I'm focusing on you know, these like pockets
33:11
Speaker 1: of funny or joyful or adorable moments when I get
33:15
Speaker 1: home and instead of just patting my dog on the head,
33:17
Speaker 1: but if I just sit down on the floor and
33:19
Speaker 1: I like really spend time and I don't have my
33:21
Speaker 1: phone on me and I'm just really present in that moment,
33:23
Speaker 1: these are micro joy moments. I instantly get this surge
33:26
Speaker 1: of feel good emotions. You know, if I'm on the
33:30
Speaker 1: phone to someone I try and you know, if possible,
33:33
Speaker 1: obviously within reason, I'll sometimes try and be like, well,
33:36
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be looking up other things on my
33:37
Speaker 1: phone or doing something else. I'm just gonna sit and
33:39
Speaker 1: have the phone there and have a nice conversation. Lean
33:42
Speaker 1: into this beautiful moment I'm going to like when funny
33:45
Speaker 1: things happen, lean into that funny thing and really kind of,
33:49
Speaker 1: you know, be in that moment when it's happening. So yeah,
33:53
Speaker 1: it's basically in a nutshell about being more present, but
33:56
Speaker 1: it is when something makes you smile, when something makes
34:01
Speaker 1: you laugh, when something when these things happen, try and
34:04
Speaker 1: write it down, and try and write it down if
34:06
Speaker 1: possible in the moment, but if not, you can do
34:08
Speaker 1: it kind of at the end of the day. And
34:09
Speaker 1: it's a list of like joyful moments. And what that
34:12
Speaker 1: does is that the next time you experience that moment,
34:14
Speaker 1: because you wrote it down, it reminds you of what
34:17
Speaker 1: it made you feel the last time, so you're more
34:19
Speaker 1: likely to lean into it this time to generate the
34:21
Speaker 1: same kind of feeling. All Right, you become a person
34:24
Speaker 1: who's really big on these micro joy moments, and when
34:28
Speaker 1: you are in these moments, you're releasing all these feel
34:31
Speaker 1: good neurochemicals. You're releasing dope, man, you're releasing serotonin, you're
34:35
Speaker 1: releasing oxytocin. You're feeling connected, you feel elated. And then
34:38
Speaker 1: of course when you feel that way, this chemical, you know,
34:43
Speaker 1: reaction in your brain is actually influencing how you perceive
34:46
Speaker 1: and feel about other things in your day. It puts
34:49
Speaker 1: shit into perspective and you're able to zoom out. Like
34:52
Speaker 1: the times that I've gone through really hard things in
34:54
Speaker 1: my life. If I've fested alone at home and I've
34:56
Speaker 1: been processing this really difficult thing, it feels like it
34:59
Speaker 1: is all consuming, is taking over my life. Right. But
35:02
Speaker 1: then when I like go and hang out with my
35:04
Speaker 1: family in the midst of you know, this intense thing
35:06
Speaker 1: that I'm going through. If I go and hang out
35:08
Speaker 1: with my family and then we start like playing games
35:10
Speaker 1: or doing puzzles, or laughing or talking about things and joking,
35:13
Speaker 1: I can then think back about that stressor and think,
35:17
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's almost like it's shrunk. It still exists,
35:21
Speaker 1: but in such a short amount of time, I've shrunk
35:24
Speaker 1: it down. And the reason it's shrunk is because when
35:28
Speaker 1: put into perspective when you know, thrown in with all
35:32
Speaker 1: the other joyful things within your life that you can
35:34
Speaker 1: create and that can happen to you, it still exists,
35:38
Speaker 1: but it's not taking over my life. It is this
35:42
Speaker 1: pocket here, but there's all these other pockets here, and
35:45
Speaker 1: I'm able to take from all these other areas in
35:48
Speaker 1: my life. A big mistake that we make, myself included,
35:51
Speaker 1: is that when something bad happens, and like, unless it
35:54
Speaker 1: goes unchecked, obviously I check in and I do these
35:56
Speaker 1: things and it works every time. But when it goes
35:59
Speaker 1: unchecked is you can then sit and this can grow
36:01
Speaker 1: and grow and grow into something that feels that you
36:04
Speaker 1: can't overcome it. So leaning into these microjome joy moments
36:09
Speaker 1: actually helps you, like put things back into a bit
36:12
Speaker 1: of a perspective. It allows you to see that there's
36:15
Speaker 1: a lot of contrast in our life, but we can
36:18
Speaker 1: be leaning more heavily into the things that make us
36:20
Speaker 1: feel good and that are good, and not so heavily
36:22
Speaker 1: into the things that are like overbearing and making us
36:25
Speaker 1: feel really like way down and bothered and stressed. Okay,
36:28
Speaker 1: so let's go over the five things again so you
36:33
Speaker 1: can fucking lean into your or enter your unbothered and
36:37
Speaker 1: thriving era in this life. So number one it is
36:41
Speaker 1: mastering the art of detachment. Number two, master the pause,
36:45
Speaker 1: and of course the big sigh. Number three, rewire through
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Speaker 1: self talk, number four, create your emotional toolkit, and number
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Speaker 1: five prioritize micro joy moments. Guys, that is the podcast
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Speaker 1: episode for today. Hopefully, even if you take one of
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Speaker 1: those things on board, I think you're going to feel good,
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Speaker 1: You're going to feel fabulous. You're going to start noticing
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Speaker 1: a change. You can go from someone who is highly
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Speaker 1: strung and flustered to unbothered queen. Okay, that is all
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Speaker 1: for today. Thank you so much for listening. I can't
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Speaker 1: I need to see you guys at my love Shore.
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Speaker 1: I'm so excited. Anyway, I'm just feeling on top of
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Speaker 1: the world. That is all for today. As always, remember
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Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't
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Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
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Speaker 1: Dun'tkan