Latest / Herspiration Happy Hour / Herspiration Happy Hour, Season 9, Episode 23: Petty, Practical, or Problematic?

Transcript

Herspiration Happy Hour, Season 9, Episode 23: Petty, Practical, or Problematic? · Herspiration Happy Hour

0:10
SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for cocktails and conversations?
0:12
SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for cocktails and conversations?
0:15
SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for cocktails and conversations with your host, the unapologetic diva Dr.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: G, the girlfriend therapist Dr.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: Cortina Lewis, and the networking extraordinaire Diana Richardson Philippis?
0:29
SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for cocktails and conversation?
0:34
SPEAKER_00: This is Herspiration Happy Hour.
0:37
SPEAKER_00: Happy Hour.
0:38
unknown: Happy Hour.
0:54
SPEAKER_01: And this is yours truly, Shay Walker, the coach of courage.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: And Dr.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Lewis will be joining us in a little bit.
1:00
SPEAKER_00: She's wrapping up with a client, and Diana is still out handling some personal things.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: So hopefully she'll be back with us next week.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: But of course, like any other Wednesday, it is Winning Wednesday.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: So we get an opportunity to celebrate something.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: So what are we celebrating for you?
1:18
SPEAKER_00: We are celebrating praying friends for me.
1:26
SPEAKER_01: I am so blessed to have friends that pray.
1:29
SPEAKER_01: And do you want to give more contact or are we good?
1:31
SPEAKER_01: Look, I can.
1:38
SPEAKER_01: You this morning.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: I've just been basking right there.
1:42
SPEAKER_01: Um, I led with when we got on here, a closed mouth don't give fair, right?
1:47
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it's a friendly reminder that we have to say what we need in order to receive.
1:52
SPEAKER_01: And so the prayer this morning, you send our prayers every morning.
1:56
SPEAKER_01: And this morning your prayer just hit, but it unlocked something different that kind of didn't have anything to do with the prayer, but did.
2:03
SPEAKER_01: You're like a safe space for me.
2:06
SPEAKER_01: So you're usually available first thing in the morning, and just calling you, not knowing what I even wanted to say.
2:14
SPEAKER_01: I just know I needed a safe place to land.
2:17
SPEAKER_01: And being able to have that space, being able to just fall in that space was big for me.
2:24
SPEAKER_01: And it reset, I like I said, I felt like I got recalibrated this morning talking to you because although I'm the coach of courage, sometimes a coach needs encouraging.
2:33
SPEAKER_01: And you did just that.
2:35
SPEAKER_01: And so I've been able to just let it go today.
2:39
SPEAKER_01: I just felt really free.
2:40
SPEAKER_01: And so I've had a great day since we spoke this morning.
2:43
SPEAKER_01: So yes, thank God for praying friends.
2:45
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I definitely agree.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: Oh, let's see.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: What am I what do I want to celebrate today?
2:54
SPEAKER_00: Well, I made it back to Charlotte safely.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey man.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I mean, outside of that, I would just say that I'm really excited about my event coming up on October 24th.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm seeing the registrations come in.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: Um, just feel I I feel I'm feeling really good.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: The the way that I'm just focusing my energy on things and I made up, I made a mental pact to myself to not have negative thoughts.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: And when I do, I immediately have to remind myself to say something that I'm grateful for.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: And that was kind of the conversation we were having this morning.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: And then when my friend sent me the little passage that I sent you, my friend Kim sent to me, and I was like, you know what?
3:41
SPEAKER_00: I was just sitting here talking about the reminder of all of the little things that we we can easily so easily take for granted.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: And um, and I was having the same conversation.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: I was talking to Diana while I was on my way here, and she and I had the same conversation about just um it's it's always this the small things and you know, just how you show up every day.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: And really, the one thing that I said to her, just we were just having a general conversation.
4:13
SPEAKER_00: I said, the way that you show up every day is, and you have to remember this, is how you will be remembered when you're gone.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, you when you show up uh in a so with a certain level of energy, with a certain level of light, and with a certain level of connection with people, that's how you're going to be remembered.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: And so, yeah, so that's it.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: I've been I've been feeling extremely blessed despite all of the craziness.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: That's that has not been my focus.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: I've I've always flipped it to you know to just be like, you know what?
4:51
SPEAKER_00: If I'm blessed because of this, even though this happened, we was, you know, we were here for things with it because our the basement flooded in Maryland.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: So, but had we not have been there, uh, it would have been a swimming pool.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: But we were there to catch it.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: The other part is we had already moved out.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: Had we not moved out, our furniture downstairs would have been damaged.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: So you you you learn how to give thanks for all of the things that did work out and not really God's gonna work everything else out that it's is like oh, you know, things are kind of hard right now, but hard times don't last.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: But when you focus on the positive, those hard things become something so so simple, absolutely.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, that's my win for today, is just that I've been able to show up consistently um with favor.
5:41
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, that's good.
5:44
SPEAKER_01: That's my that's good, yeah.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: That's good.
5:47
SPEAKER_01: You know how I said to you that I just I don't know, I needed to, I felt like I needed my cup to be full again.
5:57
SPEAKER_01: Every single one of my patients that came in today, they just poured back, they poured back.
6:04
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I had like they brought baked goods.
6:07
SPEAKER_01: I mean, and you know, this is the season where they start bringing things and giving things, and so they're always giving me something.
6:14
SPEAKER_01: But every single one of my patients today, they had something sweet to say, something positive.
6:18
SPEAKER_01: They kind of reaffirmed what I was looking for, and it did not come from it.
6:24
SPEAKER_01: Literally came from, I'm just gonna call it God's miracle, signs and wonders because it started with you and then it just flowed, it just continued to flow.
6:35
SPEAKER_01: And then I even came in, and Mr.
6:37
SPEAKER_01: Walker gave me a little nice little booty rub before I came in and got on a camera.
6:44
SPEAKER_01: So he was like, Oh, you nice and soft.
6:47
SPEAKER_01: That means I'm losing weight, it's fluffy.
6:52
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so anywho, so yes, I I'm I'm good.
6:55
SPEAKER_01: I've been restored.
6:56
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Jesus.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: Okay, look, you got a glow too, you know.
7:00
SPEAKER_01: But the booty rubs and pats always bring on the work, they just work.
7:05
SPEAKER_00: They definitely do.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: Um, so before you we can talk about I'm hoping that when Cortina comes, because we don't have a drink for the day.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: I I didn't think of anything.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: I never really do because Cortina's always coming through with the drinks.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: So I'm just gonna have to tell her when she pops on, she's gonna have to give us our drink for the day.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: But in the interim, we can go ahead and get started because we were already having this conversation before before the um podcast even started when we was just um in the background um about you know things that are petty, considered petty, practical, and problematic.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that we were talking about was uh sharing locations.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: So I'm in different groups and there are there's always controversy when it comes to relationships and people sharing locations.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: I I guess for me, I find it very practical.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: As a matter of fact, I find it very safe.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: Uh for one, if you ever lose your phone, whoever has your location can tell you where your phone is at.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: You know, if you can't, you know, if you somehow don't have any other way to find it.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: But the other part is as many crazy people in this damn world.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: Uh-uh.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: I I think it's important.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: You should people should know, you know, where you are.
8:25
SPEAKER_01: I agree.
8:26
SPEAKER_01: I agree.
8:26
SPEAKER_01: I find it very practical.
8:28
SPEAKER_01: Uh I feel it's necessary, even.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: It's absolutely necessary.
8:35
SPEAKER_01: So I share location easily.
8:37
SPEAKER_01: I feel like what makes it not be so practical to some people is if they got some little sneaking linking going.
8:47
SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't, I'm just saying, don't want to start no fights in nobody's house tonight.
8:54
SPEAKER_01: But I mean, I'm an open book and I'm very transparent.
8:59
SPEAKER_01: And my husband can know where I'm at at all times of the day, the night, if I'm out of town, travel, especially if I'm traveling, which I'm traveling almost 75% of the time, he needs to know what's going on with me, whether I'm in a plane or by boat.
9:15
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, yeah, yeah.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: I do agree.
9:19
SPEAKER_00: I always wonder what the what would be so problematic, especially when you are in a committed relationship, or especially if you are married.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: Now I can see if you just met someone, by no means don't give that person your location.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: However, kids, a family member, a really close friend, there's nothing wrong, I don't feel like, with someone having your location.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: I think it's also problematic for people when people constantly check it and they're saying, Oh, oh, I this is where you're at, this is where you're at.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: I kind of personally think it's cute.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: My husband, him and all his friends share share locations, and they they are always on it.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh, where you're you're nearby this way, you're dead, but it's it's so it's done so respectfully with and and fun for them that it's never problematic.
10:15
SPEAKER_00: I agree.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: So I don't I don't find I don't think you know, whether it's a friend or in a relationship, committed relationship.
10:25
SPEAKER_01: I know the single I got a single girlfriend right now, and she's probably listening because she tunes in all the time.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: So Miss Miss Lady, okay, well, so she was in a committed relationship, um, and then they just recently decided to split a couple of months ago.
10:43
SPEAKER_01: But I've appointment, I've always had her location, so anyway, I go look at her location.
10:49
SPEAKER_01: I say, hmm, uh-huh.
10:51
SPEAKER_01: Are we spinning a block?
10:53
SPEAKER_01: What we doing?
10:56
SPEAKER_01: She was like, I knew it.
10:58
SPEAKER_01: I ain't even been in the driveway 10 minutes.
11:00
SPEAKER_01: I knew you was coming.
11:01
SPEAKER_01: I said I smelled it on you.
11:05
SPEAKER_01: But see, but but that this is us, this is us, and she knows I am looking out.
11:12
SPEAKER_01: Like, we may not pick up the phone and talk, but she knows and I know you know where she is.
11:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so if it's a SOS, everybody knows call Shay because she knows she got the location, yeah.
11:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she got everybody's location, so yeah.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: See, I have my mom and my sisters, and a couple of my friends, and of course I have uh, you know, um Jays, but I don't I'm not I can't say that I'm always checking locations.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: Now my husband, he he might act like he don't check locations, but he checks locations.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: Oh, he always checking, yeah.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh, he is checking.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: Because then he'll be like, Oh, you balling.
11:49
SPEAKER_00: He just he'll text me, oh, you're balling.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I am driving and taking my time, but because he could see my location and where I'm at from you know, from Maryland all the way to North Carolina.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, whatever.
12:00
SPEAKER_00: So I'm driving slow, but um, but you know, it it is what it is.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: I like I said, I find it very practical.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: It's good that you find it practical, but there's a lot of people who don't find it that practical.
12:13
SPEAKER_01: And I mean, and I'm a big deal, so Mr.
12:15
SPEAKER_01: Walker, he needs to be always checking for me, and he is, he's like, Okay, pick up so and so.
12:21
SPEAKER_01: I see you at Publix.
12:23
SPEAKER_01: Yep, I am.
12:23
SPEAKER_01: He will pull up too.
12:25
SPEAKER_01: Also, it's really fun.
12:27
SPEAKER_01: Like, I can be, I it doesn't even matter if it's at the gas station or the fruit stand.
12:32
SPEAKER_01: He has just randomly pulled up, like he'll cruise up.
12:35
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Oh, hey, and you know, then we'll do a little role play.
12:39
SPEAKER_01: Hey Pooh, how you doing?
12:41
SPEAKER_01: My phone number, so and so call me, you know.
12:43
SPEAKER_01: But I think that's cute.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: I like it.
12:45
SPEAKER_01: I do.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: So let me ask you this.
12:49
SPEAKER_00: Um, is it petty, practical, or problematic to check someone's social media before you date them?
12:59
SPEAKER_00: Practical.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: Or before you, if you know you're going out with them or whatever you want to, which you I don't know.
13:08
SPEAKER_00: Check their social media specifically.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, because there's a lot, so there's a lot of dating apps, and you know, when people start following somebody, or before you go out on a date with somebody, do you background them?
13:21
SPEAKER_00: Whether it's social media, where they do you background people before you kind of date them.
13:27
SPEAKER_01: So the answer is yes.
13:30
SPEAKER_01: I do.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: Uh I do.
13:33
SPEAKER_01: Well, you used to.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, right.
13:36
SPEAKER_01: Uh well, even when I'm hiring people, honey, when I'm in the process of hiring, I'm checking your social media.
13:43
SPEAKER_01: I am because I am really big on the company you keep becomes you.
13:48
SPEAKER_01: I am very big on connections and what I'm connected to and what I am bringing bringing into my place of business.
13:57
SPEAKER_01: I am serious about that stuff.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: So absolutely, I check social media.
14:02
SPEAKER_01: Um, when it comes to I would say dating or something like that, I can't necessarily say like I am just checking for you and allowing that to hold weight because so I'm checking, but I don't allow that to have any any emphasis on okay, if we're gonna go forward or not.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: Like I want to get to know you if I'm pursuing if this is a pursuit to happiness.
14:37
SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, I don't allow other outside entities to influence my decisions, whether they're yes or no.
14:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it really doesn't have anything to do with what you did on your social media.
14:50
SPEAKER_01: I mean, because back in 2013, I probably had a titty pick out there somewhere, you know.
14:56
SPEAKER_01: I don't know, you know, I don't just oh my gosh, it had a butt cheek, a whole hip out.
15:06
SPEAKER_01: I was posing a different way versus how I'm posing as a married woman now.
15:10
SPEAKER_01: You know, that's my point.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: So to hold that over somebody's head and be like, oh, you know, this I'm not so you said something when you were saying you check socials because what did you say about the friend, the friend group or whoever you you are with?
15:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, company you keep becomes you.
15:28
SPEAKER_01: Um, I feel it's it's super important to know what you're connected to because people could be uh wide open crooks out here, you know.
15:35
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I agree with that, but I also don't I I don't feel full-fledged that like that whole birds of a feather.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't believe that.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: I think that we show up differently by what we want.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that you're just like this person.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: Um, there might be traits or things that you like about somebody's authenticity and whatnot.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: And so I I'm I mean, I've like a lot of all of my friends are so different, but in some kind of way they make they are a makeup of different parts of me.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: And so somebody's negative or bad part that somebody else finds as negative, um might they might not be that way with me.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
16:16
SPEAKER_00: It might be it, it's so it's just different.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: So I don't feel like I don't believe in that whole birds of a feather thing because I'm my own person.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: At the end of the day, I am my own person.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: And whoever I am with, I'm going to always be me.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: I like people to show up as who they are, you know, in their as their authentic self.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm either gonna like it or I'm not.
16:36
SPEAKER_00: I am not going to cling myself or just, I mean, my energy don't match that way.
16:40
SPEAKER_00: It has to be something there that is that will hold me there because I don't do drama, I don't do messy, I don't do any of those things.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: But it but if let's say somebody in my friend group might like messy stuff, it doesn't mean that I have to partake in gossip and all of that.
16:57
SPEAKER_00: So they don't bring it my way, so that you know, so I don't feel like in that sense, people be like, oh, she gossips a lot.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: Well, I wouldn't know because I don't allow that part of that energy to come into my aura.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: So I don't always firmly believe that you become the company you keep or you know the birds of a feather flock together for that reason.
17:18
SPEAKER_01: So I hear you, I hear you.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: Okay, but research says no teaser, but you know, look, research research and studies, they test a small population and then oh, we took the 300 people, but there's three billion people in this world, that margin, you're not going to you know justify that's that statistic for me anyway, because I don't have to again, I don't have to partake in what I you know choose not to so I totally agree with you.
17:58
SPEAKER_01: So when I say the company you keep becomes you, you know, my grandmother used to tell me this, Pam, growing up, and it's interesting enough, for a long time, I thought, maybe not necessarily, because I know that I have the capacity to be very independent.
18:14
SPEAKER_01: I'm my own person, like you said, right?
18:18
SPEAKER_01: However, if you are, let's just say your living arrangement, right?
18:25
SPEAKER_01: If your partner or even your best friend is lazy, is messy, is all the things, and you've like you are in this space with them, and you find yourself spiraling and you become in a funky place.
18:40
SPEAKER_01: If you're a person that doesn't have a capacity to operate independent in certain arenas, absolutely you will get swallowed up whole.
18:49
SPEAKER_01: You will become the company you keep.
18:52
SPEAKER_01: The influence, that's how people sometimes end up trying drugs because their friends make it look fun.
18:57
SPEAKER_01: Hey, here, try it, it ain't gonna hurt you before you know it.
19:00
SPEAKER_01: You won't damn skid roll.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: You a whole you have you have lost your life to the streets because of that one person that said, Hey, here, try it.
19:10
SPEAKER_01: They're still thriving because they know how to say no, but you do not have the capacity to be independent in the arena, so now you become an addict.
19:18
SPEAKER_01: So I feel like it's very valid for a lot of people, maybe not us, because we are very independent people and we have the capacity to say, I'm not interested, and there is no peer pressure in me over here.
19:32
SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna do you can't make me do anything, I'm gonna do what I want to do, correct?
19:37
SPEAKER_01: Right, but a lot of people don't have the capacity to do that, so it still rings true that the company you keep can absolutely become you, um, and that can be good or bad.
19:48
SPEAKER_01: I mean, oh yeah, that's what I'm saying for me.
19:52
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: That's why I said for me, I can't speak for anybody.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm saying for me, it doesn't work that way.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: Um because I also I will also dissolve relationships in a heartbeat.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I downgrade relationships in a heartbeat.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: I I I have, you know, in that aspect, I mean it could be considered petty because uh I don't also have to, I don't feel the need to explain anything when I do so.
20:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I agree.
20:21
SPEAKER_01: So look, I'm with you when you're right.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: So that's why I said for me, that's why I said if somebody looked at my social media and they saw somebody who um may have been in a skimpy bikini, but I'm not in a skimpy bikini, but they pass judgment on that.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm just using that example because their whole ass is out and but mine isn't, and they say, Oh, well, that's she's a representation of you.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: No, she's not her ass is out, mine is not, right?
20:47
SPEAKER_00: So that's why I'm saying in in all instances, when you're looking at social media, especially for work purposes, um, you know, it's not social media is not reality.
20:59
SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely, yeah.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: So so in that aspect, people are always they want to.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: I mean, so many people want to go viral now, they're just doing stupid ass shit.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: But for the most part, I just don't feel like you know, social media is something that people should be basing uh personalities off of.
21:19
SPEAKER_01: Personalities, maybe not, character, absolutely.
21:22
SPEAKER_01: Sorry, if I see you on here blazing up in all the things, just 24 hours of being off my clock, and you out here in the street, and that's what you're doing.
21:36
SPEAKER_01: You walk you because you see these social media do they got guns, they hold it, they jumping out like all this stuff, honey.
21:44
SPEAKER_01: I'm looking at social media, I am because a lot of times, especially in the workplace, people show up with their representative, and it's not until you've gone sometimes against your better judgment, said, Okay, you know what, I'm gonna give this a try.
21:58
SPEAKER_01: Thank God we're at.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: State, but I don't like revolving door.
22:03
SPEAKER_01: Like, I hate that.
22:04
SPEAKER_01: I hate the in and out.
22:05
SPEAKER_01: I love knowing that I'm making a solid decision about onboarding, right?
22:10
SPEAKER_01: But there are many a times that if you don't do your research and do your due diligence about who you're allowing in your home, absolutely, you can get oh hell, yeah.
22:21
SPEAKER_00: You welcome these people out here from the beauty supply stove.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, very I am very selective about who I allow in my home.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: So even when people say, Can I bring a plus one?
22:35
SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes I say no, unless I know I'm going to be outside.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: Right.
22:40
SPEAKER_00: If we're going to be doing backyard stuff, if you want to bring somebody, certainly, but just bringing random strangers to my home, I'm also like very cautious and and whatnot.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: And so I also look at the person who's saying, Oh, do you mind?
22:53
SPEAKER_00: Because I need to know how long you knew that person because I'm I'm I'm very selective.
22:59
SPEAKER_01: I'm very selective about the character that of the person that you're dealing with.
23:03
SPEAKER_01: That is going to sometimes explain the caliber of the plus one that they're going to be tagging along.
23:10
unknown: Yeah.
23:10
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:10
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes some people I know don't always make good decisions.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: So it's okay.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: But but I'm very, I'm I'm very upfront about that.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, you can't bring a plus one.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: And then I also say, This is my home.
23:25
SPEAKER_00: It's it's not, it's this was not an open invitation.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: This was a very specific invitation.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: It was an invite only, and it was not meant to bring a plus one.
23:35
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: Speaking so speaking of social media, is it petty or I'm gonna say petty or problematic because it's not practical.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: If you're you have a friend that posts a bad photo of you because she looks good in it.
23:52
SPEAKER_01: That's padding.
24:03
SPEAKER_01: That's padding.
24:07
SPEAKER_01: I'm standing on it.
24:10
SPEAKER_01: Because I am not going to I mean, me personally, I'm not gonna do that.
24:16
SPEAKER_01: I wanna make sure, especially especially my friend.
24:20
SPEAKER_01: I want to make sure the light hitting you right, like I, but that's me.
24:25
SPEAKER_01: That's how I support my friends, that's how I covet them.
24:29
SPEAKER_01: Like, this is how I cover us.
24:31
SPEAKER_01: I want you to be presented as the best version of yourself.
24:37
SPEAKER_01: So, no, I am not going to just put something out there just because I look good and uh-uh, we're not gonna, I'm not gonna play.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: I also ask permission for the most part.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, you know, anybody mind about if we post to know those things in advance.
24:55
SPEAKER_00: I mean, especially to me, any beach pick, any where you are dressed, you know, really sexy.
25:01
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm very much like, hey, do you mind uh if we if you know if if any of us post?
25:08
SPEAKER_00: Because I and I always say we you know collectively because everybody's taking pictures, everybody has their phones out, and so it's just a way that instead of saying me by myself, I just include everybody, just so that everybody knows who don't feel comfortable asking but feel comfortable posting.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: They know now they have permission, but I would hope that there'd be a level of discernment and not pettiness, a raggedy ass picture of someone and just because they're they look good.
25:36
SPEAKER_01: And if you're in question, like if you have to look at it and second guess it, send it to your friend and let her say, uh-uh, don't do that.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know what?
25:45
SPEAKER_01: It's cool, whatever.
25:46
SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm just yeah, see, yeah, that's why you gotta know the company you keep right there.
25:58
SPEAKER_00: I cannot with you, I cannot with you.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: Um, is it petty to stop you know covering for a friend who always say I'll get you next time?
26:10
SPEAKER_01: No, it's not petty.
26:13
SPEAKER_01: Because when is the next time coming?
26:17
SPEAKER_01: When is the next time coming?
26:19
SPEAKER_01: The next time in Kenya?
26:21
SPEAKER_01: The next time still when showed up?
26:23
SPEAKER_00: But see that comment, that's that the comment is petty.
26:27
SPEAKER_01: But it's a real it's a real question.
26:30
SPEAKER_01: This is a real question.
26:32
SPEAKER_01: When is the next time coming?
26:38
SPEAKER_00: I don't I don't know.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: But we were just having that whole conversation because last week we had a conversation about the bill splitting.
26:46
SPEAKER_01: Splitting bills, oh the chat evening, yeah.
26:49
SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
26:50
SPEAKER_00: You made you made a very valid point before while we were, you know, in the background before we came live.
26:56
SPEAKER_00: What no share what you said because you said like it's not necessarily a what'd you say, a requirement or a belief that some that like the reciprocation of when you buy which like say you buy a rank.
27:10
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, there's no real expectation, but I think there is an unspoken language, but again, it's also the friend group you're in.
27:21
SPEAKER_01: We have gone out a many times and I put my card up, and then the next time you put my hand, like do my card like this, you know, this just what we do.
27:31
SPEAKER_01: These are the type of people that are in my circle, though.
27:35
SPEAKER_01: So we have unspoken, it's not an expectation.
27:39
SPEAKER_01: It is very, yeah, it's customary.
27:41
SPEAKER_01: This is our love language.
27:42
SPEAKER_01: We understand how this works.
27:44
SPEAKER_01: If it doesn't, and if your round, if I get this round, even if I got the first two rounds, we know at the next spot that somebody else is picking it up, you know, and that's just how we move.
27:55
SPEAKER_01: Um I don't think you should have an expectation, but this is again being mindful of the company you keep.
28:02
SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't think it's petty per se, but I think you should absolutely know your friend group.
28:09
SPEAKER_01: Who are you amongst?
28:10
SPEAKER_00: Who are the people that you I would say it's practical, you know why because this is money we're talking about.
28:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yes, this is livelihood, and you also don't want to be taken advantage of either.
28:24
SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
28:25
SPEAKER_01: If we go out tonight and I realize that I carry the checks all night long, okay, no problem.
28:33
SPEAKER_01: And if we go out tomorrow night and then I find myself, I promise you, I'm walking away from the bar with one drink.
28:39
SPEAKER_01: I'll show you.
28:40
SPEAKER_01: And see, that's a okay.
28:42
SPEAKER_01: We can, I know how to fix that.
28:44
SPEAKER_01: I'm ordering one.
28:46
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you didn't get drink?
28:46
SPEAKER_01: Uh-uh.
28:47
SPEAKER_01: You got it, you're on your own.
28:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
28:51
SPEAKER_00: So let me ask you this, because I just it it just crossed my mind because I was just uh reading some of the prompts and stuff that I had, and one of the things came up what is what is your say, and I don't really know if it's petty or problematic because I don't really feel like it's practical unless, well, it could be people who let's say you you call, they don't answer, but they have an entire text message conversation with you.
29:24
SPEAKER_01: I'm probably not the one to ask that question.
29:27
SPEAKER_00: Why?
29:28
SPEAKER_00: Hey, number one, because hey, so Cortina, you hopped in.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: I just asked and Shay is like, I'm not gonna be the one to answer that question.
29:41
SPEAKER_00: No, I'm gonna answer it.
29:42
SPEAKER_00: I gotta answer it.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: I said, you know, is it is it petty, practical, or problematic that let's say you call somebody, they don't answer, but they they have a whole text conversation with you, or vice versa, they have a whole text conversation and it's easier for you to just call and then they don't answer, but they continue to text.
30:01
SPEAKER_00: So for me, I I'm only going by me personally.
30:10
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I'm okay.
30:12
SPEAKER_02: I prefer texting because I might not feel like talking.
30:16
SPEAKER_02: That is just that like it's easier for me to not because I'm being avoidant, I don't think it's avoidance, but for me, I feel like it's easier sometimes for me, like real quick while I'm doing something to just say real quick.
30:32
SPEAKER_02: I'm talking having lengthy conversation, like sometimes that's difficult.
30:36
SPEAKER_02: It depends on what's going on.
30:38
SPEAKER_02: Like if I have a lot of head noise that's happening, it might be better for me to text out my thoughts versus having a verbal conversation in that moment about it.
30:50
SPEAKER_02: Because sometimes when you because I I mean it depends, like I said, it depends on what it's it's about.
30:55
SPEAKER_02: If it's something that's harmful, if it's something that's emotion-driven, sometimes texting can be easier for people because when you're speaking it, it makes it real.
31:06
SPEAKER_02: So now I'm verbalizing this, and it's like, oh shit, I really gotta face like whatever it is I'm saying.
31:12
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes when you're texting it, it's easier for it to come out from a text perspective versus me having to face what my reality is based on what I'm texting you.
31:26
SPEAKER_01: Okay, Shay, what were you gonna say?
31:29
SPEAKER_01: So I actually agree with Cortina, that's where I was gonna go with that because I a lot of times, especially those lengthy texts, that usually means that there is a difficult conversation or something happening right there, at least in my opinion.
31:44
SPEAKER_01: And you've got on this end one kid that would prefer to text it out because they don't want to hear my tone in some of the things that I'm saying, right?
31:59
SPEAKER_01: But then you've got another kid that doesn't see conversations in any capacity being difficult.
32:06
SPEAKER_01: She you can talk to her, right?
32:09
SPEAKER_01: She can just talk it out.
32:11
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, a lot of people, it's easier for them to just write it out.
32:15
SPEAKER_01: And when we're navigating little things here and there, sometimes in this marriage uh house, you know, it is easier for Alton to text it out because he's a great writer, he's able to articulate how he's truly feeling without worrying about being interrupted or hearing a sigh, something that's gonna distract him and make him feel like I'm agreeing or not agreeing, you know, that kind of thing.
32:41
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I it could go either way.
32:43
SPEAKER_00: Um I see it both ways, yeah.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: It and it and I do I agree.
32:48
SPEAKER_00: I think it depends on what it is.
32:50
SPEAKER_00: So with sometimes when I am planning some things or um I need an answer kind of immediately, and it's just like this whole text in and I'm waiting.
32:59
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I don't even wait up or the text, I'm like, hey, I just call, and then they hang on, like, I really need this information like now, especially when you're in the groove of things.
33:09
SPEAKER_00: It's if I'm doing something, I'm booking a plane ticket, I need to get some information because it's it's critical for me to have right now info that I need to have.
33:18
SPEAKER_00: Um, so that's the only thing that annoys me is like you can text, but you just can't pick up the phone to talk.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: And and these are people that I know ain't doing shit.
33:27
SPEAKER_01: So let me just say, Cortina?
33:33
SPEAKER_02: From the therapist's perspective, right?
33:36
SPEAKER_02: So let's also talk about like, and and this is specifically more so leaning towards individuals with ADHD and executive function, right?
33:45
SPEAKER_02: Huh?
33:46
SPEAKER_02: No, just saying, like me, undiagnosed.
33:48
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so sometimes with we gotta talk about like the social pressures that can come with texting, like I'm feeling forced to respond immediately.
33:59
SPEAKER_02: Even through texting, I might be going back and forth, but it's still like if I need to put it down the process, I can, versus me being on the phone and it's like pause, silence, because I'm trying to make understanding of what it is that was just said.
34:14
SPEAKER_02: The other thing is rejection sensitivity is something that's really big, right?
34:22
SPEAKER_02: During like an in-person live conversation, sometimes people can feel put on the spot, and if I'm texting you, there's like this illusion of safety, if that makes sense.
34:37
SPEAKER_02: And so it's also a way for me to be able to process while I am texting out because guess what?
34:46
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes you know you be texting.
34:47
SPEAKER_02: Oh no, let me let me change this.
34:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, let me let me take all that off.
34:51
SPEAKER_02: Okay, yeah, let me oh, yep, okay, and now I'm able to get more of my thoughts out in a slower way versus we on the phone.
35:02
SPEAKER_02: You might be like, what the hell going on?
35:05
SPEAKER_02: Is your phone going at?
35:06
SPEAKER_00: No, I'm just thinking and processing and the portion to need to respond.
35:12
SPEAKER_00: I don't mind having difficult or uncomfortable or conversations that require some level of you know thoughts.
35:20
SPEAKER_00: Um, everybody's not like that though.
35:23
SPEAKER_00: But I know I'm saying I can do that over the phone, but do I prefer I can also because I'm a I'm a writer, so I can write my emotions out better.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: But that's I guess for me, that's not really there are other times where a phone call is better for me.
35:38
SPEAKER_00: As long as I don't like anything, I don't necessarily want anything heavy, you know, because like you said, you have to process those things.
35:45
SPEAKER_00: But if it's if it's quick things, like when I am trying to get a head count for something that I'm I know I'm going to need immediately because I'm this is my slowdown time to process.
35:55
SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes it's easier for me just to call and leave a message versus trying to send out a text message or whatever.
36:01
SPEAKER_02: Well, don't leave me no message, you better text it to me because I might not listen to the message, okay?
36:06
SPEAKER_02: And bam, you can't.
36:07
SPEAKER_02: You barely check the text.
36:09
SPEAKER_02: You are my mind beat.
36:11
SPEAKER_02: You have the we get on this podcast, you'd be like, Oh yeah, the$70 was due.
36:15
SPEAKER_02: God damn it, shit.
36:19
SPEAKER_02: It's it's it's I don't, you know, my mind just be somewhere else, you know.
36:23
SPEAKER_02: It it is the ADHD, and I will 100% get it.
36:28
SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm talking about myself and how I feel, and it also may have to do with the job I do because I just don't feel like I just don't I don't want to hear nobody's voice.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
36:39
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I and I feel like that sometimes I do feel Texas better, but then I do feel like there are times where a phone call is more appropriate.
36:48
SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, some are necessary, but I don't, but I also still feel like you know, it can be petty, practical, or problematic for for that.
36:56
SPEAKER_00: But I just there's some conversations that you know you just you you or you just you literally just hang up with somebody and then you you call them right back because you forget something and then they're like they're they're texting back.
37:09
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh my gosh, yeah, that I might fit into that sometimes.
37:14
SPEAKER_02: Oh, and but it's not intentional though.
37:16
SPEAKER_02: So this is the this and sometimes I really do be meaning to like call, or I may like miss a call.
37:24
SPEAKER_02: I get so many spam calls.
37:26
SPEAKER_02: So even if I go to miss calls, like my phone is blowing up, I get spam messages, I be trying to block the numbers.
37:34
SPEAKER_02: I feel like 10 more for every number I block, I get 10 more.
37:38
SPEAKER_02: It's overly stimulating for me, and my phone is always ringing, and so that would burn me up.
37:44
SPEAKER_02: It it it it's it's very frustrating.
37:46
SPEAKER_02: But if you call me and I don't answer, send me a little text and let me know.
37:52
SPEAKER_02: I'd be like, God damn, I ain't even oh shit.
37:54
SPEAKER_02: You call me like it for real in my mind because sometimes I can check my phone during the day when I'm with clients, but then by the time I go back, that's already gone because it's new stuff on top of that.
38:07
SPEAKER_02: So I I always tell people, if you call me and I don't answer, send me like a little text message to just like regurgitate my memory or something.
38:16
SPEAKER_02: Pam, you already know if you really need to talk to me, send me a text, say hey, I need you to call me.
38:21
SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, or sometimes if I just call you and then I'll text you.
38:24
SPEAKER_00: But no, or you'll be like, Oh, you answered.
38:27
SPEAKER_00: I know I I do say that, but you know what?
38:30
SPEAKER_00: My low key, one of my I don't know what it is about me lately.
38:34
SPEAKER_00: I I text people back, and then I get sides, you know, my brain goes somewhere else, I forget to click send.
38:43
SPEAKER_00: Oh, that that has happened the whole day.
38:45
SPEAKER_00: That yeah, that happens that's happening, yeah.
38:50
SPEAKER_00: That happens more often than I would admit.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, it's happening a lot.
38:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, damn, I didn't send this text message, and I know it because oftentimes because I send a text message every morning, so then when I'm you guys notice there's a lag, mm-mm.
39:07
SPEAKER_01: It's not one one minute, Courtina.
39:10
SPEAKER_01: You're frozen, Pam.
39:11
SPEAKER_01: You're frozen right now.
39:13
SPEAKER_00: Oh no, I see I'm moving.
39:15
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
39:16
SPEAKER_00: I see I'm moving.
39:17
SPEAKER_00: Courtina, am I moving?
39:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I I haven't had a leg.
39:20
SPEAKER_02: Uh uh.
39:21
SPEAKER_00: I haven't had a lag either.
39:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh, is it me?
39:24
SPEAKER_02: I think it's you.
39:27
SPEAKER_00: I think you're the problem.
39:29
SPEAKER_00: It's like you're like so.
39:31
SPEAKER_00: Y'all, let me ask y'all this.
39:33
SPEAKER_00: Is it is it petty practical or problematic to return a gift because you didn't like it?
39:50
SPEAKER_02: Or either you don't like it.
39:53
SPEAKER_02: Say what?
39:55
SPEAKER_02: My first the first person who proposed to me.
39:59
SPEAKER_02: I did not like the ring he gave me, honey.
40:04
SPEAKER_02: We had to return that.
40:10
SPEAKER_02: So maybe looking back, maybe it was a little petty, but at the time it was baby, it was practical because I was not gonna wear that.
40:16
SPEAKER_02: I couldn't even see it.
40:17
SPEAKER_01: I'm with you.
40:18
SPEAKER_01: I'm with you when you write all day long.
40:21
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
40:21
SPEAKER_02: It's not about it's not about being able to see it.
40:25
SPEAKER_02: That's why I was at how old was I?
40:27
SPEAKER_02: 20, 21.
40:30
SPEAKER_02: I didn't even know he was gonna propose to me.
40:33
SPEAKER_02: And you probably why you couldn't see it.
40:36
SPEAKER_02: I had no clue.
40:36
SPEAKER_01: You ain't and look at you now, you ain't even there.
40:39
SPEAKER_01: See, boom, practical.
40:41
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, because you know, we never ended up getting married because I ended up getting cancer.
40:45
SPEAKER_02: So, I mean, but back then I'm like, damn now, Dunchie could have got me.
40:52
SPEAKER_02: You see, I'm wearing my silicone ring right now, but well, I got my regular one on, but I'm preparing to go to Columbia because I'm not taking my ring.
40:58
SPEAKER_02: But I think I'm gonna be wearing my silicone band because I can change the colors and everything and the match and everything.
41:03
SPEAKER_02: But I wouldn't even care if I didn't have a ring.
41:07
SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm saying?
41:07
SPEAKER_02: I think when you get to a different stage, a different level, sometimes things compensate for what's missing, like the real love, the real romance.
41:17
SPEAKER_02: Back then I didn't see it that way.
41:19
SPEAKER_02: It's just that it was the aesthetic.
41:20
SPEAKER_02: Like, I ain't want that, I want this.
41:23
SPEAKER_02: But now I'm like, did I even really did I love him like that?
41:26
SPEAKER_02: No, I think I I like the idea of what that meant.
41:32
SPEAKER_02: I enjoyed the family, I enjoyed everything that came with it, but long term, was that my person?
41:41
SPEAKER_02: Probably not.
41:42
SPEAKER_02: No, it wasn't.
41:43
SPEAKER_02: Probably no, it wasn't.
41:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, I I and one of mine I practical slash I returned the ring and had one designed.
41:55
SPEAKER_00: Oh no, I got I got me a new one, I returned it and picked the one.
42:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's crazy.
42:01
SPEAKER_00: I wonder how many women have done that.
42:04
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
42:05
SPEAKER_00: Speaking of, um, I will share this um before we get to the end of the show.
42:10
SPEAKER_00: Remember, we were talking last week about the whole um like the speed dating for friends to establish your own tribe.
42:17
SPEAKER_00: So I sent that out to like 20-something women, you know, just to see what is this is this something that you would do?
42:24
SPEAKER_00: Four of them instantly instantly was like, nah, not interested in that.
42:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was surprised.
42:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
42:30
SPEAKER_00: Um, and they told me why.
42:32
SPEAKER_00: Each one of them shared why.
42:33
SPEAKER_00: Some of them at this stat at this stage in their life, this is you know, whatever.
42:37
SPEAKER_00: Um, but a great majority said yes, that's something that they would do.
42:42
SPEAKER_00: One of them said that, you know, they realized that they were lonely and that they would love to establish more um friendships.
42:51
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so and said, let me know if you do it.
42:55
SPEAKER_00: So I'm just like, oh my gosh, uh something, Cortina me and you might have to think about putting it together.
43:01
SPEAKER_00: Uh it's like a speed dating for friends.
43:03
SPEAKER_00: We just have to work figure out what what we want to call it and all of that stuff.
43:06
SPEAKER_00: But Shay, what are your thoughts on that?
43:08
SPEAKER_00: You weren't on the show last week.
43:09
SPEAKER_00: So, what would you do like a speed dating for friends to create your friends?
43:15
SPEAKER_00: And remember, and I even put out there that this is not about work.
43:18
SPEAKER_00: It would be a very clear just to in your in your introductions and your conversations that you cannot bring up what you do because that doesn't matter.
43:26
SPEAKER_00: That's irrelevant when you are building uh relationships, like who are you outside of work?
43:31
SPEAKER_00: And there are a lot of people who don't who can't do that.
43:36
SPEAKER_00: Because they're they are their work, but who are you outside?
43:40
SPEAKER_00: Let people get to know the real you, what you love, and you can build your own little network or your circle that way.
43:46
SPEAKER_00: So, what are your thoughts on that?
43:49
SPEAKER_01: So, I absolutely think that's a beautiful idea.
43:53
SPEAKER_01: Um, I know that that comes along with me desiring to have more friends.
44:01
SPEAKER_01: And meet like-minded people, make connections, especially here in Florida, because this is not my home.
44:07
SPEAKER_01: So I don't have, I don't have people here other than the people that I connect with when it's regarding work, right?
44:14
SPEAKER_01: So my network is huge when it comes to business.
44:19
SPEAKER_01: But when it comes to that circle of life or having somebody just pop up, stop by, hey girl, let's get together and go do this.
44:26
SPEAKER_01: No, I don't have that.
44:27
SPEAKER_01: My daughter just got here.
44:28
SPEAKER_01: But when you're talking about friend groups, no, I don't have any friends here.
44:32
SPEAKER_01: I have two people and Cortina's busy.
44:35
SPEAKER_01: I'm always busy.
44:36
SPEAKER_01: Like this is, and then I've got a girlfriend that's always traveling.
44:39
SPEAKER_01: She's in New Jersey right now.
44:40
SPEAKER_01: That's my friend circle.
44:42
SPEAKER_01: So I would love to have more friends.
44:45
SPEAKER_01: I would love to acquire more friends and meet people for sure.
44:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that would be fun.
44:52
SPEAKER_02: Or another thing.
44:57
SPEAKER_02: It's a friend that I can go out for drinks with.
44:59
SPEAKER_02: They might be empty nesters like me.
45:02
SPEAKER_02: And it's like, girl, oh my God.
45:04
SPEAKER_02: Or even we can relate on, you know, hormones and perimenopause and menopause type of stuff.
45:09
SPEAKER_02: Oh, you want to go see this movie?
45:11
SPEAKER_02: Like it doesn't have to be super, super deep, but I still could consider you a friend because I like you in my space.
45:18
SPEAKER_02: You are cool down, you know, chick, and you know what?
45:22
SPEAKER_02: You good people, you a good time, you know?
45:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's just something to do.
45:26
SPEAKER_00: And then you and the good thing is when you build your own little tribe, then you don't have to all spend time together all the time.
45:35
SPEAKER_00: You just when one is not available, you do have another one.
45:39
SPEAKER_00: This, this, I mean, we are social beings, and so why not why spend so much time on social media looking at people's lives when you can live yours?
45:50
SPEAKER_00: And just kind of yeah, and build the life that you want.
45:53
SPEAKER_00: And and not everybody's saying you got to be trustworthy, you know, you got to trust the person that you're with.
45:57
SPEAKER_00: That's important, but that's why you get to know.
46:00
SPEAKER_00: Nobody's just saying, you know, you don't go traveling with people immediately just because you meet, but you find people that you know what, we like football.
46:08
SPEAKER_00: Do you like going to football games?
46:09
SPEAKER_00: Do you like going to tailgates?
46:11
SPEAKER_00: Hey, uh, I'm gonna do this.
46:12
SPEAKER_00: Would you like to partake?
46:14
SPEAKER_00: And so that's when I I've had the opportunity to be to go out and meet different ladies when I was up in Maryland.
46:21
SPEAKER_00: I have a little uh group that I met on it, it's it's black married women making friends, and there's a lot of women there that say they had a bad experience, and you know, has anybody had met up on this group?
46:32
SPEAKER_00: And and I just felt like uh the people that I I've gotten a chance to meet.
46:37
SPEAKER_00: We went to the wine festival together.
46:38
SPEAKER_00: It was nice that you didn't have to sit by yourself.
46:40
SPEAKER_00: We all brought different things.
46:42
SPEAKER_00: We kind of pow out to say who's bringing what it was great.
46:45
SPEAKER_00: Um, I've also gone to brunch and and met up with some of the ladies, and I like it because it was not had nothing to do with work.
46:54
SPEAKER_00: It was nothing to do with work.
46:56
SPEAKER_00: Now, now are they in my tribe?
46:58
SPEAKER_00: No, but they are in my my friend network.
47:02
SPEAKER_00: Hey, DJ DJ, DJ Butcher.
47:05
SPEAKER_00: Um, but they are in a pocket of a network that you know I can always send invites to, like, hey, would you if anybody free for brunch, anybody free for lunch?
47:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, people's availability that way, you know, when you do feel like I just need to get away and I don't um there's nothing wrong with dating yourself and being by yourself, but there's something empowering also just to be able to create a tribe that you could you end up coming to trust.
47:32
SPEAKER_00: You you have work relationships.
47:33
SPEAKER_00: Some people have like I've I've built really close relationships off of work friendships that are like now my sisters and we hadn't worked together in years, but we we stay connected.
47:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's the same, it is the exact same thing, except for it's just not about networking with business.
47:52
SPEAKER_00: And if you find that you have a likeness after you get to know each other outside of the event, um work-wise, then I think that's a great thing.
48:02
SPEAKER_00: But I'm when I look at our network, all of us do all kinds of different shit.
48:11
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm sitting up here thinking too about my emotional capacity, right?
48:16
SPEAKER_01: Because I'm serving people all day long, every single day.
48:23
SPEAKER_01: When the weekend comes and I think about leisure time, honey, that means nap for me.
48:30
SPEAKER_01: Like, I want to take a nap.
48:31
SPEAKER_01: Like, um, because I'm tired, I need to be, I need to restore myself because I poured out so much all week long, all day, even with my family through the week, you know, my parents and whatnot.
48:45
SPEAKER_01: And so even when I think about a friend, it would be absolutely nice to say, hey, you know what?
48:51
SPEAKER_01: Somebody call or chap, hey Shay, I found this group of people that do this on Wednesdays.
48:55
SPEAKER_01: You want to meet up and do it, girl?
48:57
SPEAKER_01: Yes, remind me.
48:59
SPEAKER_01: Send me a reminder, you know, I'll be there.
49:01
SPEAKER_01: Maybe I can be available this week.
49:03
SPEAKER_01: It's not something that I can do all the time, but every once in a while, absolutely.
49:08
SPEAKER_01: Let's commit to doing something once a month, you know, something like that.
49:12
SPEAKER_01: That would work for me because I do enjoy spending time with my hubby, but it is healthy to have relationships outside of your marriage.
49:20
SPEAKER_01: Like I need, like I need it today.
49:22
SPEAKER_01: I needed a I needed a warrior.
49:24
SPEAKER_01: I called you Cortina yesterday because I was like, all right, maybe we can just sit out at the pool or something.
49:31
SPEAKER_02: But then it rained.
49:32
SPEAKER_02: Oh, oh, it's still raining.
49:34
SPEAKER_01: The food, and then I didn't send a text message because guess what happened?
49:38
SPEAKER_01: I went in and I took a nap.
49:43
SPEAKER_01: See, it was in the moment, but my point is knowing that someone is that close, yeah, when it hits you.
49:51
SPEAKER_01: Hey, are you available to go for have you know tea or lunch or brunch or something when it hits you?
49:57
SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, I would absolutely love to have that, but to say that it will happen all the time, yeah.
50:05
SPEAKER_02: No, so and I think being realistic about that, putting that out there.
50:09
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm not gonna hang out every weekend for like when you go dating, I'm like the you know, occasional, and then if it gets to something else, it does, but I don't want anybody from the beginning, I'm just meeting you, and you feeling like, oh Lord, I don't want to connect with nobody because they might be needy, they might be cleany, they might all, you know, all those things.
50:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but you know what?
50:31
SPEAKER_00: I will also say this, and it doesn't necessarily necessarily have to be restricted to one area.
50:37
SPEAKER_00: Um, one of the things that I love is that there's almost there's so many cities that I can pop into and for for either for work or for other things and know people.
50:51
SPEAKER_00: Um, when I was in Chicago, um I went and had um I went and had high tea with a college friend, you know, a college friend of mine.
51:01
SPEAKER_00: And it was really, really nice to catch up.
51:03
SPEAKER_00: And we hadn't talked in God, at least six, seven, maybe eight years.
51:06
SPEAKER_00: But so we got to catch up, and you would never know that time went by from us not really speaking, um, or you know, being in contact as much.
51:15
SPEAKER_00: And then like I'm going out to Seattle, I've gone to, I can go to Texas, I can go to Atlanta, I can go to Georgia, I can go to several different cities in Florida, I can go my ass to Germany.
51:27
SPEAKER_00: I can go, there are so many different places that I can go because I have forged relationships.
51:33
SPEAKER_00: Not all of them are friendships, but they are relationships that are respectful enough that I can say, Hey, I'm coming.
51:40
SPEAKER_00: Would you want, do you want to connect?
51:42
SPEAKER_00: New York, I mean, just all these different places.
51:44
SPEAKER_00: And I'm glad that I have built that.
51:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, because most of the time, sometimes you just need to get away if you want to be by yourself, or if you got to travel for work and it's just you solo, it's nice to have a be able to reach out to somebody that's there and say, Hey, I'm in your city, you know, do you want to catch up?
52:05
SPEAKER_00: So you never know where your tribe can come from or what it can look like.
52:09
SPEAKER_00: And so nobody's saying you better be besties.
52:12
SPEAKER_00: That's that's that would not that definitely would not be the purpose of this, but uh you you never know what you need until you have it.
52:21
SPEAKER_00: And when that when you make that that connection, yeah, you'll know it.
52:28
SPEAKER_00: Hell, I mean that way, huh?
52:31
SPEAKER_00: I say it'll feel genuine, it won't feel it will feel, yeah, it will feel very genuine.
52:36
SPEAKER_00: Diana and I met at a at a conference, and we still friends to this day, so it really, and that was not my intent to go all the way up to New Jersey to this conference and walk away with a close uh like a sister, right?
52:50
SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
52:51
SPEAKER_00: Right.
52:52
SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
52:53
SPEAKER_00: So you just never you you never know, but I always say, um, until you put yourself out there, you you don't really know what you need.
53:01
SPEAKER_00: And then sometimes your growth, whether it's business or personal, your growth can sometimes be tied to to to something.
53:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
53:12
SPEAKER_00: To someone.
53:13
SPEAKER_00: Your your growth can be tied to someone.
53:16
SPEAKER_00: And so we we I always say that no new friends does never that doesn't work for me.
53:22
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
53:23
SPEAKER_01: It just sounds like when people say that, it just sounds like you're rejecting a blessing.
53:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh yeah, that's yeah.
53:30
SPEAKER_01: And I just hate when I hear people say no new friends, or the people that say, Oh, I didn't come to work to make friends.
53:37
SPEAKER_01: Honey, you're here with these people for 10 to 12 plus hours a day, and you depend on these people to collaborate to make sure that things are efficient, and you know, I don't I don't get that.
53:52
SPEAKER_01: I I don't get that.
53:53
SPEAKER_02: So you might just become a friend.
53:56
SPEAKER_02: It ain't like I'm like, I gotta get this job because I'm looking for friends.
53:59
SPEAKER_02: But if a natural organic relationship bugs, why would you be like, no, I'm not gonna be friends?
54:06
SPEAKER_02: No, you want you're inviting me to your house for coffee?
54:09
SPEAKER_02: No, I will not go because we work together.
54:12
SPEAKER_02: I understand maybe if it's like a manager and a subordinate, because that can get a little sticky, and sometimes they have like those fraternization policies, or you might not want to date the boss, right?
54:22
SPEAKER_02: Okay, you might get fired, but we we in different departments, or we on the same level, like if you're cool, why wouldn't I want to be your friend?
54:32
SPEAKER_02: Right, right, right, right, yeah.
54:35
SPEAKER_00: So before we before we get off the podcast, I'm gonna ask both you ladies, or both you ladies can answer what is something you do that other people might call petty, but you consider it completely practical.
54:52
SPEAKER_01: I have so many.
54:53
SPEAKER_01: Let me check.
54:54
SPEAKER_01: Give me a second.
54:57
SPEAKER_02: You you have so many that people will call petty.
55:00
SPEAKER_02: No, I said no, man.
55:02
SPEAKER_02: No, I will go buy food by myself and eat in the garage in the car.
55:10
SPEAKER_00: Some people might call that petty, but I mean that that is that is so petty.
55:16
unknown: You think it's petty?
55:18
SPEAKER_00: Yes, you go buy food and sit in the car to eat it.
55:26
SPEAKER_00: You know what?
55:27
SPEAKER_00: That's that's new wave.
55:28
SPEAKER_02: That's my Pam.
55:30
SPEAKER_02: You probably knew it was gonna be something dealing with food.
55:32
SPEAKER_02: What?
55:33
SPEAKER_02: I know, I know.
55:34
SPEAKER_01: I didn't, but I'm my thing is every time Cortina opens her mouth, I'd be like, damn, Mike, but we it's a lot, it's just so much life.
55:42
SPEAKER_01: It's just like I do that.
55:43
SPEAKER_01: Every time she opens my mouth, the whole giving the ring back.
55:46
SPEAKER_01: Like, we're always on here, and I'm like, Yeah, I get like I get that.
55:48
SPEAKER_01: I get hey, I get that.
55:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's my person.
55:52
SPEAKER_01: She is my person for sure.
55:56
SPEAKER_01: Because I do that.
55:58
SPEAKER_00: Um I already know me.
56:01
SPEAKER_00: Most people um just think that I'm I'm mean because I just cut people off.
56:08
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, and I mean when I say I cut them off, I I I cut it all the way off.
56:15
SPEAKER_02: Like yeah, that can be petty.
56:19
SPEAKER_00: And they're like, you're so mean, you don't want to hear it.
56:21
SPEAKER_00: Nope.
56:22
SPEAKER_00: Nope.
56:24
SPEAKER_01: So I think the big one is when someone brings their let's just call it feedback, okay?
56:33
SPEAKER_01: They give me, they give me a conversation, they give me feedback.
56:37
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I need a moment to process because I want to make sure that I don't speak out of turn.
56:42
SPEAKER_01: I want to make sure that I heard everything and that I articulate my feelings and my thoughts the right way because I can it I can be perceived to be sharp or very assertive.
56:56
SPEAKER_01: So sometimes I will say, I need to process, and the process could take a couple of days, and they're like sitting over there like cringing on eggshells because they're waiting for me to talk and I'm not there yet.
57:08
SPEAKER_01: And I know that they're cringing, but I kind of let them do it.
57:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I mean, I'm my I think my biggest petty in my house right now is like I buy things specific for me and I don't like anybody else to eat them, and I dare oh home, yeah.
57:24
SPEAKER_00: I I have been so petty, y'all.
57:26
SPEAKER_00: Um in my previous marriage, maybe the one before then, but I was so petty that when I came home, I wanted some cereal, and I've always been, you know, I have my own cereal, don't mess with it, and all my cereal was gone.
57:41
SPEAKER_00: I was so petty.
57:42
SPEAKER_00: I dumped everybody's cereal in the trash, everybody's open up boxes, every and they were because when I grew up, I grew up that whenever we went grocery shopping, my mom let us pick out specific things that we wanted, and before we were able to if eat one of one another's, my mom always said you have to ask your sister because that's hers.
58:06
SPEAKER_00: So I grew up that way.
58:08
SPEAKER_00: So I am I am not a sharer for certain things.
58:11
SPEAKER_00: I buy specific cookies that I like, and I'm not a big cookie eater.
58:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, there are certain things that uh certain ice cream, I buy ice cream just for me.
58:21
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I remember I found a spoonful missing out of my ice cream one time.
58:28
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
58:29
SPEAKER_00: Oh, oh, I told Jay, I said, Don't you ever did you see a spoonful of that?
58:36
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I eat a whole pint.
58:38
SPEAKER_00: I don't want a missing scoop out of my ice cream.
58:43
SPEAKER_01: What?
58:45
SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
58:47
SPEAKER_01: So if you're not like really a junkie, I get that because I'm not a sweet eater.
58:51
SPEAKER_01: So every when I get the er, like when I get the crazy and have something, I want it, and I want the full, you know, I want the full portion.
59:02
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to, yeah, I get I can get that.
59:05
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
59:06
SPEAKER_00: So I tell him, I ask him all the time, do you want me to pick anything up for you from the grocery store?
59:11
SPEAKER_00: No, I'm good.
59:12
SPEAKER_00: And then when I get home, he he's he eats the stuff that I buy for myself.
59:17
SPEAKER_00: Hate it.
59:18
SPEAKER_00: So now at least he does ask, Do you mind if I have some of your stuff?
59:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Oh, yeah, sure.
59:24
SPEAKER_01: No, I did something that was real pity.
59:28
SPEAKER_01: Look when I was 12.
59:31
SPEAKER_01: They opened my cousin, opened my Pepsi, and I was pissed off because I knew I it sat there for two days.
59:40
SPEAKER_01: It was cold, and I and this was the day I knew I was gonna want it, and he opened it and I noticed and he put it back in the refrigerator.
59:48
SPEAKER_01: So I took my aunt's ashes out of her ashtray and I put them in the Pepsi and I put them in the refrigerator.
59:55
SPEAKER_02: Wait, wait, wait.
59:56
SPEAKER_01: I did it, I did it.
59:57
SPEAKER_01: Did you say ashes?
59:59
SPEAKER_02: Ashes, cigarette ashes, like cremation ashes, cigarette ashes.
1:00:06
SPEAKER_02: I think my aunt ashes.
1:00:18
SPEAKER_00: She said little bit.
1:00:34
SPEAKER_02: That is psychotic.
1:00:35
SPEAKER_02: If you would put somebody ashes from the urn and they done drunk the body, this ain't Jesus.
1:00:44
SPEAKER_02: No, no.
1:00:47
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
1:00:48
SPEAKER_01: For the record, I am talking about cigarette ashes.
1:00:52
SPEAKER_00: Uh well, I heard you say ashtray.
1:00:54
SPEAKER_00: So no, I heard aunt and ashes.
1:00:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, but I heard her say ashtray because at first when she said aunt and ashes, my mom went to the same place with you, Cortina, but then she followed up with ashtray.
1:01:07
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I missed tray.
1:01:09
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I took my aunt's ashtray and I dumped her cigarette ashes in the Pepsi.
1:01:15
SPEAKER_01: And when he got to the end and I watched him do it, I was like this.
1:01:19
SPEAKER_01: And I watched him get all the way to the end.
1:01:22
SPEAKER_01: And he was like, Yeah, good for you.
1:01:26
SPEAKER_01: Good for you.
1:01:26
SPEAKER_01: Put your mouth on something else.
1:01:28
SPEAKER_00: He never did it again.
1:01:30
SPEAKER_00: I bet not.
1:01:30
SPEAKER_00: I I am sure.
1:01:32
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
1:01:33
SPEAKER_00: Well, we were the top of the hour.
1:01:35
SPEAKER_00: Gracious.
1:01:36
SPEAKER_00: Um Shay, where can everybody find you at?
1:01:39
SPEAKER_01: www.thecoachofourage.com or Instagram at the Coach of Courage.
1:01:45
SPEAKER_02: And Dr.
1:01:45
SPEAKER_02: Lewis.
1:01:47
SPEAKER_02: Uh you can find me at the Girlfriend Therapist on all social media platforms and the new R N O I R Center on Instagram and Facebook and smile facilitation services.
1:02:00
SPEAKER_00: And you can find me on all social media platforms at I am Dr.
1:02:03
SPEAKER_00: P.
1:02:04
SPEAKER_00: Gurley, uh, as well as the Brown Girl and Brown Boy series and the BGBB kids literally, what is it?
1:02:09
SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
1:02:10
SPEAKER_00: BGBB Literacy Foundation.
1:02:13
SPEAKER_00: I know I'm gonna get my whole life together here.
1:02:16
SPEAKER_00: Uh in my defense, I literally just came off the road.
1:02:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:02:21
SPEAKER_00: Um, but of course, you'll find us same time, same place.
1:02:24
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for tuning in.
1:02:26
SPEAKER_00: You'll find us back here, same time, same place next week.
1:02:29
SPEAKER_00: Different conversation.
1:02:30
SPEAKER_00: Uh, if you would like to be on the show, we're almost coming down to the end of the season.
1:02:35
SPEAKER_00: Uh, you can send us an email at perspiration happy hour at gmail.com.
1:02:40
SPEAKER_00: Have an amazing rest of the week.
1:02:42
SPEAKER_00: And like we always end our podcast, cheers.
1:02:46
SPEAKER_00: Cheers.
1:02:52
SPEAKER_00: This is Herspiration Happy Hour.