Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 315. Divorce Left You Toothpick-Eyelid Tired? Why Sleep Doesn’t Recharge Your Cells Anymore

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315. Divorce Left You Toothpick-Eyelid Tired? Why Sleep Doesn’t Recharge Your Cells Anymore · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: There was a point after my divorce where I kept thinking to myself, I should feel better than I do.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: I wasn't spiraling anymore, wasn't crying all the time, I was doing less and sleeping more, but it's like my body never got the memo and I was so exhausted, like toothpicks in the eyelids exhausted.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: And I remember lying there thinking, why do I still feel so tired, so on alert, like I'm anticipating something bad happening, but just like feel I'm moving through molasses, even though this big scary thing is over.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: What is going on with my body?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: I'm your host, Don Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorcee.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: In today's episode, we're gonna talk about two main contributors to divorce or post-divorce exhaustion that will not quit, even when you've tried all the supplements and all of the adaptogenic whatevers, and you've tried resting and you've tried gummies and you still feel exhausted, right?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna talk about the underlying belief that keeps driving your nervous system to be jacked so that rest is like not landing in your cells.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: But we're also gonna talk about the body-based piece because we know the body keeps the score, right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: We're maybe so tired of hearing that and not sure how to get it to like unhook.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna talk about how my body stayed braced.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: Joy and Tiffany's bodies have stayed braced at times because it hasn't yet learned how to receive rest and downshift.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: So you'll definitely want to hear the beliefs that continue to drive fatigue, the body-based behaviors that help unhook fatigue.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: And then you're gonna want to stay to the end because we have a bunch of listener shout-outs planned, and you're gonna want to know if it's you.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: Ladies, we have had an adventure this morning already.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: Should we?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: Should we, should we tell them?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's been magical.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: So life be lifing over here.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes we get into record and it's like we have two choices.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_02: We could either pretend that life isn't lifing and there's nothing to manage, nothing to process, and we could just perform the podcast, right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: Where we just shove down whatever stressors the three of us may or may not be going through.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: Or we pause and we connect with each other and we process.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm pretty stinking proud of us.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: We just did the latter.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: We paused, we processed, we used tools like live inside of our recording software, right?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: Because between performing for you, you ladies, or being authentic and practicing what we teach, we want to do, we want to practice what we teach, right?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: And we don't want to show up like hollow on the podcast.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: So I don't know, ladies, how are you feeling now that we paused and processed together this morning?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: Our stressors.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I feel so much better.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to downshift, and I'm gonna take the responsibility.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was on me this morning.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I just, and that's one of the things that I love about working in this business is like I do have a tendency when I'm super activated to try to just push through and do that boss bitch mentality.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this morning it was just not gonna work, and Dawn was not gonna accept my performative bullshit.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so she's like, go take a remedy, we're gonna process it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so I feel so much better.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm stepping in authentically rather than just hanging out behind my my hustling, hustling girl mode.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but like it toggles between the three of us on any given day, right?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's okay.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're just really good over here about noticing when one of us is off and then being able to come to the table with it.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then also noticing that because I was the the cause of the delay in recording this morning, this overwhelming need that I felt like to apologize.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't apologize.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, but I felt the need come up in me that I felt like I had to apologize for being the bottleneck this morning.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like you're not worth the time we spent to love and support you or whatever, something like that.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: Or like it, I don't know, is like the word waste.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: That's not the right word.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, it's like, oh my god, like why why is it my fault that I'm coming in so dysregulated that like now they're having to stop what they're doing to like deal with my shit?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, it's all that.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: When you said you the first time you said pre rec pre-recording, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_03: When you said, and now I feel the need to apologize, but I'm not going to, like, it literally gave me chills because that is the magic of linking arms together is understanding that because it's happened to me so many times, right?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: Like so many times where I'm in I'm the one that comes in and I'm a million places and things and life is be life be happening, and the the grace and understanding and love, but it's so ingrained in us to suppress and push it down and zone in and binky blinders on to completely um I don't know if also I don't know if that's the right term.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's a TV show, but I'm the horse blinds.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: That is what I'm mocking.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: I do this.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: This is what I'm doing, is I'm like zeroing in on something.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: So and I want I want to really highlight here, like one of the things that really frustrates me about the internet is how many people sell a solution but don't live it.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: And you can see it when someone is selling nervous system regulation or selling a particular like therapeutic process, but they're still really struggling with certain illnesses or diseases.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: Like the people who are like selling mitochondria, like your mighty if your mitochondria isn't healthy, you're not healthy, but they're not addressing the mental emotional piece.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: I just got in the weeds there.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: But what I want you to hear us say is we really pride ourselves in walking the walk.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: Walking the talk, yes.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: Like we can't teach you that you're worthy and then not treat each other in real time like we're worthy.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: And so much of abundance and manifestation is about the capacity to receive, which is a what this week's not this week, this month's premium workshop is about, right?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: Which we're gonna talk about at the end of the episode, but the key to healing is being able to receive.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: And that's all it was this morning, right?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: Is you being able to receive love and support this morning, Tiff TIFF.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're worth it.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Lil' Put the Frenchie says, you're worth it.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: She just licked the microphone.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um love okay, darlings.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about exhaustion that isn't solved by rest.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's a very modern phenomenon that I don't know.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think our grandmothers experience this?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: Exhaustion that wasn't solved by rest?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: I'd be fascinated to ask them.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: I really think it is conditioned by being working technologically advanced society of women.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like I think there's all this extra exhaustion and expectation for us to keep going past our capacity.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_02: Past our capacity, right?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: So one of the things we've been talking about is how tired we are, how much we're relying on caffeine.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_02: I don't mean us right now anymore, but I just mean as women, right?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: As women.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: How much we rely on caffeine and various stimulants to keep going when no matter how much we rest or sleep, we can't seem to recharge or catch up.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: Now there are two things we're gonna really primarily talk about today, which is there's beliefs under there that keep it going.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_02: But then there's also some body-based retraining that has to be done.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about the beliefs that drive an exhaustion that won't reset.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_02: And and let's also make sure we touch on the fact that it's hard for women to believe that what I'm saying right now is true, I think.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: That the fact that your body isn't able to fully recharge is actually rooted in a negative belief.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's hard for women to really connect with if you haven't done like EMDR, IFS, or used a remedy and felt that profound like state change that happens the moment something unlocks or clicks or some belief shifts.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's really hard for women to buy into until they're like, oh, that's what you meant.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, because everybody wants to blame it on external factors, right?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: They just want to blame it on the fact that they're in divorce, you know, their ex won't stop texting them, they're having co-parenting struggles, they can't mediate.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's all these things that I feel like we want to reach for when we don't understand that it is simply our capacity to receive and be in some semblance of control that is sort of manifesting our exhaustion in a sense.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: Can I give an example?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't know if it's gonna land.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_02: If it doesn't land, you could we could delete this, right?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_02: But um we talk sometimes about Mario on this podcast.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: Wrong girls.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I really find that playing Mario Party with my people has really helped me spot negative beliefs that are stuck inside of me, which is fascinating, right?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like, Dawn, do you ever give it a rest?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe not.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um so there were a couple of times this weekend where let's say I was like four moves to getting the star.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: All I had to do was roll a four or more.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: Four, four or more, and I would have gotten a star, right?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_02: And then I'd move, I'd roll a one.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: And then let's say like I was three to star, and then I'd roll a one.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: And like I've seen too much in my life to deny that when all you need is like a basic role and you roll a one, that is self-sabotage happening in real time.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: Does that sound hard to believe?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_02: That I could literally, based on my energy, impact what I roll in the game.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_02: Let's just pause right there.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_02: Does that sound too hard to believe?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, in other words, it's showing you it's kind of giving you this example of negative thoughts that are going through your mind even when you're playing games.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_02: That you're gonna be like, like when I feel clear and good and empowered, I roll tens, I roll nines, I roll eights, I roll high.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: When I'm feeling some sort of insecurity or like I have to perform, like, okay, I have to roll a four, and this is, and I can, I could, I the star is within reach in this turn, and then I get insecure and I roll a one.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like literally, but does that sound hard to believe that how I feel when I hit the button actually impacts the role on the screen?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I would equate it to how I perform in mini games.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, not necessarily my role count, but it's almost like if there's a minigame that pops up that I absolutely hate, it's like a life thing when something happens, when you get the text from the person and you're like, oh my god.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: It kind of just kind of affects how you're gonna respond, how you're gonna feel the rest of the day.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, how you're gonna perform in life.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely, but I've nailed it all the way down to how I roll.
• 12:53
  unknown: Okay.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: How I roll.
• 12:55
  unknown: Okay.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_02: I can feel it, right?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_02: I can feel when I'm doubting that I'm gonna roll a number I need to roll to get a star.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: Like I'm I feel self-doubt before I hit the button and then it shows up on the screen.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's I've dialed it down to it's that one for one.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_02: Like, which is a is that a fun way to play Mario?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, but okay, so this weekend it happened enough times that I was like, I gotta do some EMDR on myself.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: So I went and I Joy's connecting the dots now because I told her on the phone that I did EMDR over the weekend.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I sent the family off to do whatever and I sat with it, right?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: Like, and and this is very common when I was being trained for EMDR.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: I had a negative belief that I can't have the things that I want, right?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_02: And so I started there when I was doing this this weekend about I can't have the things that I want, and sometimes I want really big things.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that that is common.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_02: We want really big things, right?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: We want beautiful, loving relationships, we want healthy relationships with our families and our children, we want to have enough money and a great job and a beautiful home, and we want to travel, we want big things, right?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I want even bigger things.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like I just want so many big things, and I think that there are moments where I really have self-doubt that I can have the things and that I'm good enough or worthy enough for the things.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_02: Now, this is not oozing from every pore of my life, that's not it, but it shows up.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: The little bits of remaining resistance show up when I'm rolling the dice in Mario, right?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: So sure enough, I did bilateral simulation and I, you know, I did butterfly tap, right, on the things, and I was able to release some, I felt physical release in my body.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_02: I could cycle through some memories that are common, familiar things for me, but it's like I could dig into them at a deeper emotional level or a physiological level.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_02: I could feel release happening in my body at a deeper way than I have in the past.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: And then when we went back to play Mario later in the day, I consistently rolled high numbers.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_02: It shifted.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: Now I did a good 45 minutes of it, right?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_02: It shifted.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: All of a sudden, when I went to roll the dice with the star, it felt like anything was possible.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_02: Whereas in the beginning of the day, it felt like I couldn't roll the four if I needed the four.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: It felt like I was doubting my ability to roll the four.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_02: Later in the day, it felt like anything is possible.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_02: This is a very long story to say that when we are exhausted and sleep is not rejuvenating us, somewhere in there there's a negative belief blocking the sleep from rejuvenating.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_02: What in the heck could that be for women, right?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_02: And and how can we help women understand how true this is in their lives, right?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe it's hard for them to even hear that how I feel before I roll the dice on the on the video game that we have that much power over our own lives, but we do, right?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_02: So what do this is a question for the three of us.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_02: What can any of those negative beliefs be that would block us from fully resting and receiving rest when we're asleep?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: Things like I'm not safe, things like I have to be perfect, things like like I'm not enough.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: What do you what would resonate most for you during that season when you were so exhausted?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_02: Joy, I've heard you tell stories about feeling like you couldn't get out of bed sometimes and sleep not ever being enough.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: What was going on for you then and what were the negative beliefs that were blocking you from feeling truly like you were able to receive rest?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: I have a lot of parts that have traditionally struggled, not not so much currently, but like in the past of I'm not I'm not enough, I'm not good enough.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: You know, like in that time period of my life when I could not get out of bed.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: I had three small children and you know, I was I was grieving, I was hurting, I was perpetually exhausted, I could not function.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_03: Um, because it was a lot of this is how my life is gonna a lot so much negative, like this is this is it.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_03: This this is my life now.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_03: This is my my I gave him my best years, like all the things that we've talked about in previous episodes.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_03: All of those would keep a woman constant in my brain, right?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: And um into into the into my sleep.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Like it was so on fire, my nervous system was so on fire that my sleep itself was affected, and then everything just perpetuated, right?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: And it was the shame, then then it gets layered on the shame.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: So now I'm feeling shame for not being able to get out of bed, and now I'm feeling shame that my friend brought my children food, right?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: Like I'm feeling shame that I wasn't good enough, you know, like all the lies that your nervous system tells you, it just it was a constant weight on me.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_02: That, right?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_02: And that's what I wish for all women to be able to know, trust, and believe that when you have a chronic pattern like exhaustion, even after the divorce, the the MSA, the paperwork, the ink is dry, even after the ink is dry, even after the litigation is over, even after the schedules have been sorted, if you're still exhausted, it's because there are too many negative beliefs activated that are maintaining a certain rhythm or pattern in your body mind.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_02: That rest can't even land at a cellular level.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_02: Like, you know, we've all sort of seen those reels where the way you speak to the water crystals changes the structure of the crystals.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_03: Or obsessed with these.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, or the way you speak to the plant changes the quality of the fruit or the leaves, right?
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_02: And so imagine you're rehearsing things like for me, I can't get what I want.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_02: Or when I followed that rabbit hole far enough, it was like, I'm not good enough.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_02: Because that's what's underneath, I can't get what I want.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: Is because I'm not good enough.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_02: Or uh, you know, I gave him my best years.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_02: This is my life now, right?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_02: So you're literally programming your cells and your mitochondria and your ribosomes and your nucleus, right?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like you're programming your cells to underfunction.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_02: That's how powerful we are.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think our listeners are bought into this right now?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_02: Or do you think they think I'm insane?
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: I I do, I do think so.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: Like when we put it in this, like I do think that there it's it's so true, right?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_03: Like there's there's literal modalities and therapy, CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, centered around how you think and how you talk.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_03: And it's so hard.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_03: This work, this this mindfulness work of how you talk to yourself, being aware, being in integrated in your in your authist authenticity.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: That's really the reprogramming and reprocessing is very, very hard work.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: I remember my first few sessions of therapy post separation, like I and I was it was just talk therapy.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_03: Like I was fatigued in a way I had never been fatigued before because this work is so hard.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_03: And so when you right, when you are constantly present and trying to cognitively be aware of your thoughts, it just puts on an extra layer of work to do later of a good task.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I have so many clients tell me after doing IFS work how exhausted they are.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, massive headache, you know what I mean?
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or like whatever.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so and I know after EMDR.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And those early.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like I feel like for me, because I made the choice to leave my marriage, and so I had two very prevalent parts, which were my image manager, you know, because I made the choice to leave.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: I had to make sure that everything looked on fire all the time.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: I constantly had to have it together.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone checked on me, I'm good, I'm good, everything's good.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I think with a lot of women, they feel like if they're the ones that made the choice to walk away, they don't have the right to tell people how sad they are, how upset they are.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um so it's like they try to skip the grief period because they're like, Well, I made the choice, so I need to jump in from this to being happy, and I don't have a right to be sad, or I don't have a right to grieve all of these things.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: I need to show everybody this was the right decision.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, like it took me years later to actually grieve the loss of my marriage because I was the one that chose to leave and just felt like I had to keep it together for everyone else to feel like I made the right choice.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and even that's it's a really good point that when you have unprocessed grief, just maintaining the, you know, people talk about compartmentalizing, just the maintenance of the compartments, because it's real, like we do literally actually compartmentalize, like MRI scans will show that when we have trauma content sorted into boxes, it actually starts to segment off aspects of our neurological function.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_02: But to maintain those compartments is a lot of energy, and we don't realize it.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I think that in this year we've talked a lot about capacity on the podcast so far, right?
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_02: In the month of January.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: We've been talking a lot about all of this work improves your capacity.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_02: I had a client this week say to me after taking her doses of her remedies or whatever, she's like, you know, when you take homeopathy and you do IFS or whatever, there's a lot more of everything, right?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_02: She said, I feel a lot more of these underlying themes I've been trying to sort and process, but I also have a lot more energy and a lot more capacity.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_02: So it's like, right, when we're really tapped into this work, there is a lot more of everything, but there's a lot more capacity, right?
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_02: And people don't realize that the exhaustion, the fatigue, listen, I was the queen of the five-hour energy.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_02: For years, I was the queen of the five-hour energy to keep going, to try to keep a headache at bay, like you name it.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_02: I, you know, to try to keep going.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_02: And people don't realize how much the compartmentalization, how much the avoiding processing, and feeling, avoiding feeling is like literally running so many programs in the background of your existence and it is exhausting you.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_02: So there are a number of negative beliefs, depending on your lived story, your experience, that are keeping you tired.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_02: And if it's something that's a pattern, and if you notice that you are my fellow queen of five-hour energy or whatever, or like how many women have accidentally found that Adderall is the thing that will keep them going, or like some version of that stimulant, right?
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_02: Or energy drink, whatever it is, right?
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like so, yeah, right?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_02: Like the ice the perfect iced coffee and the perfect glass.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, but let's shift for a moment into what are the body-based behaviors that we have to also welcome in in order to help allow rest to actually land in ourselves, right?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_02: Because I can't say enough about how.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_02: Needs met now.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_02: I can rest.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_02: I can like, you know.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_02: What are some of the body-based behaviors that you ladies have done that have helped you really recover?
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_02: Like recover where you wake up in the morning more refreshed than fatigued.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_03: I um I'm a personal huge fan of bilaterally journaling.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_03: So uh journal uh journaling and and butterfly tapping because if you Which is what we do in the loneliness roadmap.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_02: That is the that's what we teach in the loneliness roadmap if you're subscribed to it, yeah.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_03: Right, which if you're not, you need to be because it teaches you how to bilaterally journal.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I do breath work, and it might not be like the the breath work de breath work intentional breathing, because and in that time, I literally in that in that season of my life where where um we were walking through our um separation preceding divorce.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_03: I people would tell me, they would look at me and say, You're not breathing.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_03: Like you don't breathe.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_03: And so now that is something I do for my body intentionally to oxygenate my cells and to get grounded into my body.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_03: I am very, very intentional about breathing because it is something that I had to learn how to do.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_03: I just wild, right?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever to change the pattern.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's like the the neural pathways were really strong this way and not really strong that way.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_03: And embodiment, right?
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like leaning and sitting and getting grounded.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_03: And so those are those are my um go-to's embodiment uh for my body that I and I will shout it from the rooftops how much more capacity I have because you know, I still have the number of children and I still have life relify.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_03: I still have a hard a hard family.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_03: Like it's nothing in that realm has changed, has shifted, but my capacity to leave space for myself, to leave space for them to be who they are, right?
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_03: Like it's um I I have such a different nervous system regulation and capacity to live life that I don't attract for so so long.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_03: And anybody in previous chapters of my life can attest to this and speak into this that I would literally have cosmic things happen to me that nobody like I hydroplane through manure.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like who does that?
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_03: Like things would happen to me that just don't happen to other people, and it's because but it's because that's what I was attracting, right?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_03: Like I was I was constantly high vibing in terms of nervous system always, always, always activated, like wired and tired.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_03: So now I can say that doesn't happen to me anymore.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_03: But if life be lifeing, I have capacity to just share and I don't I'm not saying I never get dysregulated anymore.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_03: I am saying that it there's such a drastic difference between my before and after.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_03: Like it's a it's a work, right?
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's a it's a yeah, we're not meant to not get dysregulated.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_02: Our nervous system is meant to be like a very flexible rubber band so that when we experience distress, it can expand and it can return to its original shape in a relative quick period of time, right?
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_02: What happens for most women is we became dysregulated at a very young age and we got stuck in a wired, tired state.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_02: Our nervous systems got stuck, over-expanded, overstretched, and then couldn't downshift.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_02: And in the moments where we did downshift briefly, we clicked right back up into sixth gear.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_02: That is right.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_02: So dysregulation is part of being human.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_02: But it's yeah, how we respond to that.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um yeah, and how dysregulated and how stuck in it.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_02: And it's fascinating to think.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_02: We taught this actually in our um in our different D W word workshop.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_02: We studied the law of attraction this month, and I talked about this.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_02: You know, it can sound like woo-woo that I, you know, doubt whether or not I can roll the four and then I roll the one.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but there really is an entire electrical response that happens from how my eyes see the cubes, how I respond with my thumb, how my nervous system reacts.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_02: It it really is.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_02: We we just studied this.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_02: When Joy hired your plane on manure, there really is something to how her feet touched the wheel and the pedals that facilitated that based on a nervous system framework or patterning.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: It's fascinating.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's below our conscious level of awareness most of the times, but we are absolutely perpetuating our own patterns.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_02: Tiffany, what are some of the body-based behaviors that help you?
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_02: I know you both love um woods, walks in the woods also.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: Both are in the so I'm a big get me out in nature.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be barefoot with the fairies type of stuff.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: But in all honesty, like, you know, I live in the mountains, so I just go and hike.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Water is is huge for me.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: So if I'm near a lake, if I'm near a waterfall, if I'm near a stream, anywhere where I can hear or see moving water, I'm I'm good.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: I need to immerse myself where I have no air pods in, nothing.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm literally just present and it's forcing me to be very present, so that helps me too.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_02: I cannot say enough about that, right?
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like skipping the stimulation.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: And meditation for me is huge.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: I love Insight Timer.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: I do a lot of meditations on there, um, a lot of affirmation stuff, just over and over again of hearing the things.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thought filtering is huge.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that, you know, when I started training to be a coach, they would drill this into us.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: And in the very beginning, it was so overwhelming to literally review the thoughts that were coming in on a daily basis in front of my face and realize how many were so negative about myself.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like how many times I felt something negative about myself or was judging myself in situations or in conversations, um, and being able to actively start to reframe those things.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and and it does, it changes the way that you view things.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, what is the lens that you're looking at your life through?
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel like your life is shit and everything keeps happening to you, it's because you're looking at it from a lens of that's all that you're catching, instead of like moving over into the next lane and saying, okay, well, I'm gonna choose to see it this way.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because we cannot happen, like we can't prevent life from happening to us, right?
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's not a thing.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I tell people that all the time.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: And like you said, Joy, your family is still your family, but at the end of the day, you change the way that you react to it, you change the capacity you have to handle the things in your life, and that's the game changer.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily about your ex is gonna change or you know, your kids are gonna change.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: Although, yeah, the way that we react to people can teach them different behaviors, but for sure, right?
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're not aware that you have control over certain areas of your life and your capacity, you're gonna continue to stay in that same stuck state of right, this is just my life and this is what I'm dealt and this is what I have to deal with.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_02: So those beliefs that so when you're out in the woods or meditating, or you know, for me, I did a lot of yoga when I was getting divorced, like a lot of yoga.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_02: And then I really believe that that's a good chunk of how I got pregnant with Grace, also because I really was retraining my body that it was safe, it was safe, it was safe.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_02: I did a lot of beachwalking, a lot of yoga and beach walking.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, absolutely thought filtering while you're doing those things, right?
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_02: If you're putting yourself in situations where you're connecting with nature or you're getting into your body or you're doing breath work, but you're not filtering your thoughts, you're not targeting your negative beliefs, right?
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's you you have to have both ha both sides of the coin have to be addressed to really experience the transformation.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: And let me give you this example quickly because this just onto me too.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: I used to work out um where I would lift very heavy, I would do a lot of like massive amounts of hit and cardio, and I would always be listening to like ludicrous or jaw rule or DMX or like right, like very high level.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I always remember leaving my workouts feeling like I still was amped.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't calm.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was still super amped.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it was because of the music I was listening to, it was because of the thoughts that were going through my mind while I was doing it.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's almost like carrying so much masculine energy and so much ampedness, so much testosterone that it's like having to calm down.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I would even challenge you and say, what music are you listening to when you're in the car by yourself or when you're doing that?
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because I find that when I'm listening to music that is more calming, it is it is telling my nervous system that the environment is safe.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when I'm listening to gangster app, my environment is not safe.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm clearly feeling in this amp space where I have to be more than I feel like I need to be.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: So it's even creating those environments for your body to be able to feel safe by the things you're surrounding yourself with.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_02: That's such a good point about music.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we have um in our premium, and if you're not a member, definitely check it out.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_03: Inside our premium, we have 528 Hz.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_03: Tracks, tracks in the Guided Meditation Subliminals.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_02: There's some subliminals in there.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, note to self, there's some subliminals in there when we're yeah, when we're organizing things.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um okay, so if you are the woman who has been incredibly fatigued, can't keep her eyes open, is doing coffee until wine.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_02: Let's talk.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_02: All right, loves.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_02: We did something different this month inside of Cocoon for our magic drop.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_02: We talked about the importance of authentic reviews on the podcast and what a difference it makes for creators like us, right?
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_02: Content creators, and how much it makes a difference in women being able to find this work, how much momentum it gives.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_02: And some of the reviews that our listeners provided brought us to tears, made us feel feelings like it was such a special and different couple of weeks for all three of us.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_02: We would text each other, we would email screenshots, you name it.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like it was a vibe this month.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_02: And I cannot say enough to all of our listeners how much you mean to us.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_02: You are the reason we are here.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_02: This is an ongoing, it's a relationship, right?
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_02: And when we get to talk with you, when you get to give us feedback, it is the best feeling in the world.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you, thank you, thank you.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_02: We want to highlight a couple of our listeners and our community members.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_02: Joy is gonna read one of the reviews that was so graciously left, and Tiffany is going to welcome some of our newest Heartbeat members.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_02: We just cannot say thank you enough for being here with us, for trusting us, for inviting us on your journey.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_02: We know this is one of the hardest seasons, and it is a fulfillment of what we believe to be our purposes that we're doing it with you.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_02: What you got, Choi?
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_03: This this review just kind of like pierced me a little bit.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_03: It's by VC, V underscore C underscore zero seven.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_03: This podcast has helped me feel less alone, more grounded, and has provided names for emotions I don't I didn't know how to explain.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_03: The cycles, patterns, I recommend this podcast to anyone navigating through divorce, co-parenting, and find themselves taking their time to heal.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_03: I just was I think that's I think it was so resonated for me is because I do feel like they're so our listeners are looking for the vocabulary and looking for um I know something is off.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_03: I just can't put my finger on it, pinpoint it.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_03: I can't, yes.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_03: So um I thank you so much for that review.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_03: It was lovely.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_02: And of course, we're always welcoming you to in to join Harpy, our community, where we have our the room where it happens, our premium podcast um feed, where we have our in-person workshops with Tiffany.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_02: If you're part of Premium, this month's is uh how receiving is the key to healing.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_02: So if you have trouble receiving support or compliments or love or you know, any of those things, if you have trouble receiving, that is one of the missing links in your healing journey.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_02: There's gonna be a live workshop on February 23rd.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_02: And so we have several new heartbeat members in this last week, and Tiffany is gonna welcome those.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_02: What you got, Tiffany?
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so in the past week we've had uh five new members step into our online community, which has been amazing to start getting to know them and more about their stories.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: So we would love to welcome Leslie, Amy, Carolyn, Sue, and Heather.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: So welcome, ladies, into this space.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: We are so excited to know you.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_03: We need this little puppers.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_03: Confetti cannons.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_02: Also, one of my favorite things when playing Mario Party, when you land on the bank in this version we have, and you win the bank, and then Yoshi has a confetti cannon, and or maybe it's what's the one with the shell?
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_02: Koopa, Koopa Troopa.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_02: Confetti cannon makes life better.
• 42:10
  unknown: Yeah.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_02: Seriously, darlings, thank you so much for being listeners, for being part of our community, for stepping in, for doing the hard things.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_02: When you heal yourself, you heal so many generations up and down your lineage.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_02: And it raises the vibration of the entire world.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_02: And Lord frickin' knows, based on what is happening out there in the world right now, we need a higher vibe.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for being here.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_02: We love you so much.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_02: Peace.