Latest / 5–Minute Parenting: Tips to Help You Raise Competent, Godly Kids. / Teaching our Kids about Forgiveness w/Terrie Hellard-Brown

Transcript

Teaching our Kids about Forgiveness w/Terrie Hellard-Brown · 5–Minute Parenting: Tips to Help You Raise Competent, Godly Kids.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of the Five Minute Parenting Podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Karen Ferguson, wife, mom, grandmom, and children's book author with a background in K-8 education and a passion for equipping parents to raise competent and God-confident kids.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: In this podcast, we'll cover parenting practices from both a practical view and a biblical view.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Our goal is to help you raise kids with a positive, godly self-image so they can become all they were created to be.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're busy, so we'll keep it short.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let's take just five minutes and dive in.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Five Minute Parenting.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to have Terry Hellard Brown back on the show today talking about forgiveness.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Terry is a writer, teacher, and missionary with a mission to empower families to disciple the next generation.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: She accomplishes this through her writings, her books, and her podcasts, sparking everyday discipleship.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: She's a wife and mom of four children and has a bachelor's in sociology and psychology, a master's in education, and is currently working on her Doctor of Ministry.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the show, Terry.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: You wrote a book recently on this topic of forgiveness.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So tell us about that and whatever you'd like to share with listeners about this topic.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well, thank you so much for having me on again.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And we have a book that's called Izzy's Notebook.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: We're very excited about it.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's a picture book.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And Izzy and Harper are best friends, and it's the first book in a series on living out the one another's that we see in scripture.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so the first one we're dealing with is such an important one, and that is forgiveness.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: So Izzy learns about forgiveness in this book.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: So when we're talking with her, yeah, it really is.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: It can be so debilitating if we don't truly learn how to forgive.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's so vital that we teach our kids what forgiveness is.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, when we think of teaching our kids about forgiveness, we typically teach them to say I'm sorry or I forgive you if they're on the other side of that as little kids.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't think we sometimes deal with the heart issue.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And even though forgiving and saying I forgive you and saying I'm sorry is important, that's not enough because if even if someone doesn't say I'm sorry, we still need to forgive.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a tough one for us to teach our children.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a few pointers that maybe will help.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but uh when we just say we're sorry and we don't mean it, it's like when people jokingly say, Forgive me, Lord, for what I'm about to do.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: That is not sincere repentance.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and we still eat that dessert and then think it's gonna be okay.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: And when we get serious about this, this can be a really bad thing to teach our kids.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: So we need to teach true repentance or sorrow for uh for whatever we're doing that we know is wrong, and then we need to teach our kids how to truly forgive and to let go of that bitterness that could spring up.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: So the first thing I think of is we must be, and I share this all the time, be transparent and teach trustworthiness.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: We need to be an example.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: When they do something wrong, we may be tempted to say, I've told you a thousand times, don't do that, and you keep doing it and we get angry, but we need to forgive and wipe the slate clean and not bring up past transgressions, especially if we've told them we forgave them and then we bring it back up.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: I've told you a thousand times.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: We need to forgive and move on and help them understand that you know, we both know they've done it before.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: They feel bad, hopefully, that they've done the same thing again, and but that forgiveness is real and that they can experience genuine sorrow for messing up again, but we're not gonna pound them over the head with what they've done in the past.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: So they need to see us forgiving others, they need us to see that uh they need to see us forgiving them, and they need to see us forgiving our spouses and not holding grudges.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: The second thing is the second thing is we need to give them time.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when they've broken a rule, give them time to think about what they've done and to come to us asking for forgiveness.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: This is not something we've often heard about.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: We talk about timeout and punishment and all this thing, these things, but one of the wisest moms I've ever known was my midwife, and she would have her children sit on their bed until they were ready to come and truly repent for what they did.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And they might only sit on their bed a few minutes because they really were sorry for what they did, or they might need to sit there for 20 minutes or an hour if they're angry, and she would wait for them to come back and talk to her, and then she could counsel them, punish them, whatever needed to happen, but reconcile and truly reconcile.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so giving them time to think about what they've done can allow God to work in their hearts and truly bring them to a place of repentance.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: And man, it's just so beautiful then to see true reconciliation between the parent and child.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then that also opens up one of my favorite things, a teachable moment.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so then that offers us number three, which is to teach.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Teach them, um, yes, we teach them in Bible study time and we teach them in Sunday school and and we teach them all the time by what we're doing.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: But in those moments when they're truly repentant, when they're truly wanting forgiveness, is a time we can really teach them how important forgiveness is and how it blesses the other person because they're on the receiving end at that moment of forgiveness and mercy and grace and reconciliation.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so then when someone has hurt them, they can understand why it is so important for us to reconcile.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, Satan wants us to c wants to cause us to be angry with each other, and God wants us to reconcile and see that each of us struggles with weakness and makes mistakes.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And when our children can look at their friend who hurt their feelings and see another person who is struggling in some way, rather than seeing them as the enemy, we can help them build compassion and empathy.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so in those moments, we can teach them our enemy is, yes, we battle ourselves and our own selfishness and our desires, but there's also an enemy who's tempting us, who's trying to push our buttons and trying to cause trouble.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so then they can look at others and realize that person is struggling with the same things, and Satan is trying to stir up trouble.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then the fourth thing we need to do is give them tangible practice.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Life is filled with opportunities to help our children practice forgiveness, real forgiveness, and help them walk through it.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: If they're at the park and a child hurts them, help them walk through their anger and find forgiveness.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: If they can't teach them to ask God to help them, and that's something I was never taught as a child, but I was taught as an adult, and I thought it was such wisdom.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: If you're having trouble forgiving, ask God to help you.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because He will.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: He wants us to forgive, He wants that heart to be soft.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And one time I was so hurt, and I went to my pastor and I was talking to him, and he's like, Can you forgive the person?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I think so.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: And we started praying, and he I kept praying and I kept praying, and he's like, You haven't said you forgive them yet.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I'm working on it.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's a process sometimes, right?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it really is.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I just said, God, help me forgive.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And just as I prayed that, it was like God just washed over my heart the ability to forgive.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I was then able to pray and ask God to forgive the person as well.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so we need to teach our kids that it's such a simple thing, but we don't always talk about it.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so forgive forgiveness, true forgiveness is not easy, it is hard, and it means letting go of that anger and that bitterness and letting God do what he wants to do.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's the other thing.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: The other thing is, and this one was another word of wisdom I received from another pastor in my life, and that's to take it to the blessing.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we know the old uh quote from Godfather, take it to the mattresses, or if you saw you've got mail, that's where I learned about it.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: But take it to the mattresses, which meant to prepare for a fight, you know, get ready for all of that.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: But when we're talking about forgiveness, we need to take it to the blessing.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Forgiveness and reconciliation is sometimes a fight with our own feelings and our own anger and bitterness.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And if we can take it to the point where we can forgive and then pray for God to bless that other person, then we know we've truly forgiven them.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that doesn't mean we're praying, okay, God, change them, teach them, you show them, Lord.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: No, we want to say, yeah, God, please bless this person.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: I really want you to bless them and help them.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And because again, we know they're fighting an enemy as well, and that they're probably struggling with something, is why they hurt our feelings.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so instead of wanting God to zap them with correction, we learn to forgive and let God have his work in their hearts.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: And we want God to show his mercy to them as well.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's what I mean by take it to the blessing.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, our culture teaches a selfish, self-serving type of forgiveness where we are letting someone off the hook to benefit ourselves so that we don't have that toxicity in our life.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: And there's some truth to that.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: When we forgive, we are blessed.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: And um, but that is not the kind of sacrificial, often painful forgiveness we're called to as Christians.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Real forgiveness is humbling our hearts.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Real forgiveness leads to reconciliation.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: And granted, in our world today, reconciliation, especially when we're talking about our children, doesn't always mean that they're going to let that person back into their life to hurt them again.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, I've had people in my life, especially as a child, who were dangerous people that children should be aware of.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: And um, even though I forgave that person for scaring me or whatever, I didn't need to let them back in my life as a friend or someone close to me because they were a problem.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: They did have a sin problem that they were not repenting of.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: So we do want to help our children to be wise and discerning.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes we just have to do that for them and help put that safety net there.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: But their hearts can truly forgive and truly ask God to bless that person, and we've reconciled ourselves with the situation.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so unfortunately, sometimes that's all we can do because someone is so, I hate to use the word toxic, but usually it's they're so sinful.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: There's something they're not repenting of, and they can be, you know, dangerous.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: So we do want to be wise.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: But I think as we're talking about forgiveness, we can help our children understand their hearts are right with God, their hearts are right with this person as much as it can be.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if we need to walk away, we can still walk away without anger, without bitterness, but understanding that this is the healthy choice, and sometimes it is.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it's hard for most of us to navigate these waters, and we kind of have to learn these tricks for ourselves, these same steps for ourselves, so that we can teach them to our children and we can help them walk through this because we've kept them uh close, we've kept those conversations open from the beginning.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: And our children need to feel that they can come to us when we're when they are struggling or hurting.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: They need to be able to come to us and recognize that we're the first uh place they can go to talk, to tackle uh tackle the hard stuff in their lives.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And studies have shown if we do that from the time they're small, even when they're teenagers, they will come to us first to talk about things, to find truth, to find guidance, because they know they can trust us.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so that is so key, especially when we're talking about forgiveness and situations that could be harmful.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: We need to be the first ones tackling the hard stuff in their lives so they know they can trust us and come to us.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why discipleship is so important and why honestly it's vital to our children's well-being.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, so many good points.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, each of these points could be an episode in itself, really.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's it, you know, it's a it's a very deep subject, it's a very important subject for our kids.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And and like you say, for us as parents too.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're we're learning as we go along how to do this better.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because it is, I mean, Jesus makes it very clear we we are called to forgive others.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And and I am grateful that you, you know, made mention of that, that there is a spiritual aspect to this too, and we need to keep that in mind rather than looking at the person and staying in offense, but understanding there is a spiritual battle going on, and we don't know what that other person is going through.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: But this this was just so good.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: So many, so many places we could go with this.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but thank you, Terry, for for sharing this important message with our listeners.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm excited for your book.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I know as a reader, um, and this is a uh why what age group would this book be for?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: I should ask that first.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's a picture book, so it's ages five.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, actually, if you're reading to the child from one to two years old up through about nine years old.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: So it's younger elementary.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, perfect.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I just know I love picture books myself.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, even as an adult, I love to read them, and we can learn a lot from that as well.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm excited for your book.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And again, thank you for being on the show, Terry, and just sharing with our listeners today.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that is it for today.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So, listeners, be sure to check the show notes for links to Terry's website, to her books, um, including this one on forgiveness.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: And be sure to come back next week for another episode of Five Minute Parenting.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, have a blessed week.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Are you looking for creative, biblically based books for that special child in your life?
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to inspire in your child a love for reading and a love for God's word?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Check out Questions for Kids, a picture book series your whole family can enjoy.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: You'll follow the adventures of Lucy and her Papa Joe as they journey into the Bible to discover unique periods in Bible history, giving answers to life's important questions, learning all about life never-changing, never-failing, and never-ending here's the cultural neighborhood.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is a favorite strong.