Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #242 Best Of - Topping the Charts in Worst Way

Transcript

#242 Best Of - Topping the Charts in Worst Way · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:02
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
0:05
Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers.
0:07
Speaker 2: Now.
0:08
Speaker 1: Hello, I'm doctor Justin Coulson and I'm joined today by
0:10
Speaker 1: Luke and Suzie, husband wife radio team. They've got three
0:13
Speaker 1: young boys. Oh my wife. This is Happy Families and
0:16
Speaker 1: I have six daughters and I've written six books about
0:18
Speaker 1: raising happy families. And in this conversation, I had a
0:22
Speaker 1: conversation with Luke and Susie about a recent report from
0:26
Speaker 1: the OECD that shows that Australia is not doing so
0:30
Speaker 1: well when it comes to adolescence and bullying.
0:33
Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Coulson, how are you doing great?
0:36
Speaker 1: Thank you. I have a quick joke for you, Susie.
0:38
Speaker 1: It's been a while since I've had a dad joke,
0:41
Speaker 1: but Kylie gave me one the other day that was
0:43
Speaker 1: just so good. It's a little bit of bathroom humor.
0:45
Speaker 1: I hope you'll forgive it, but it's a dad joke.
0:48
Speaker 1: You go into the toilet Australian, you come out of
0:50
Speaker 1: the toilet Australian, But while you're in the toilet, you're
0:52
Speaker 1: not Australian.
0:53
Speaker 2: What are you European?
0:55
Speaker 1: You know that one well done isn't that good.
0:59
Speaker 3: All right, Well, you've been doing some work in this area,
1:01
Speaker 3: particularly recently, doctor Justin Coulson. Where is Australia in a
1:06
Speaker 3: statistic We just don't want.
1:08
Speaker 1: To be Yeah, bullying. The OECD has just released a
1:11
Speaker 1: report showing that Australia is number two, just behind the
1:14
Speaker 1: Brits when it comes to bullying. One in three Australian
1:17
Speaker 1: teenagers now indicates that they've been bullied recently. And obviously
1:22
Speaker 1: this is the kind of news that we don't really
1:24
Speaker 1: want to hear.
1:25
Speaker 3: When you say recently, does that mean the statistics for
1:29
Speaker 3: those teenagers who are bullied in their teenage YUS is
1:31
Speaker 3: probably higher than that.
1:34
Speaker 1: It's kind of hard to know. What we know is
1:36
Speaker 1: that on average Australian teenaged report being bullied. About one
1:42
Speaker 1: in four usually reports that they've been bullied, and some
1:45
Speaker 1: it depends. Some studies will be like the last week,
1:47
Speaker 1: some will say the last month, some will say the
1:48
Speaker 1: last year. This research shows that it's one in three
1:52
Speaker 1: in more recent times, and I think somewhere around twenty
1:55
Speaker 1: five to thirty three percent, let's say thirty percent on
1:58
Speaker 1: average in the last month or thereabouts, would report having
2:02
Speaker 1: experienced bullying. We don't know how many people overall because
2:06
Speaker 1: we just can't get that data, but there's a pretty
2:09
Speaker 1: high percentage of kids that are having a rough time socially.
2:12
Speaker 3: I'm going to break a rule of broadcast here justin
2:15
Speaker 3: and ask you a question that I don't know if
2:17
Speaker 3: you have the answer to, and that is the countries
2:20
Speaker 3: that are doing really well in this is their research
2:23
Speaker 3: on what they're doing that is proving successful.
2:27
Speaker 1: You break the rule every time we talk, So I'm
2:29
Speaker 1: okay with that. I don't know if you know. There's
2:34
Speaker 1: a handful of things that are probably going on in
2:37
Speaker 1: countries where bullying rates are lower that don't happen in
2:39
Speaker 1: countries where bullying rates are higher. We live in a
2:43
Speaker 1: society and the countries that are scoring highest on bullying
2:47
Speaker 1: generally where we have a really individual, individualistic approach to life,
2:52
Speaker 1: and we live in these countries that we call meritocracies.
2:55
Speaker 1: That is, the harder you work, the further you can go. Therefore,
2:59
Speaker 1: if you haven't gone very far, you mustn't be working
3:01
Speaker 1: very hard. Now, we can obviously see flaws in those
3:04
Speaker 1: two approaches and those ideas, and yet what we kind
3:08
Speaker 1: of have created is a dog eat dog world. I
3:11
Speaker 1: don't think that. I don't want to blame social media entirely,
3:14
Speaker 1: but I think over the last decade or so, the
3:16
Speaker 1: way social media has polarized and created fences and barriers
3:21
Speaker 1: and distinguish people based on their political beliefs, for example,
3:25
Speaker 1: or whatever beliefs it might be, I don't think that's helped.
3:28
Speaker 1: I think that's only enhanced this fractured, individualistic approach. But
3:33
Speaker 1: it seems that the countries that do worst are the
3:35
Speaker 1: ones who are the most individualistic, and also the ones
3:39
Speaker 1: who are very much about, you know, just get to
3:42
Speaker 1: the top, make sure that you win. There's a real
3:45
Speaker 1: competitive slant to the way their societies work. And you know,
3:49
Speaker 1: when you look at the people who are most likely
3:50
Speaker 1: to bully, it's not the kids that are down on
3:53
Speaker 1: their luck. It's not the kids that don't have too
3:55
Speaker 1: much going for them. It's usually the kids who are
3:56
Speaker 1: at the top of the hierarchy, the kids who aren't
3:58
Speaker 1: afraid of ruffling a few feathers to maintain their power.
4:01
Speaker 1: There's that level of muckiavellianism. They've got the skills to
4:05
Speaker 1: be at the top and to put other people in
4:06
Speaker 1: their place. The kids that get bullied the most are
4:09
Speaker 1: the ones who are different, whether they're a different race,
4:13
Speaker 1: different religion, different culture. Maybe they show up at school
4:16
Speaker 1: and their lunch looks different or smells different to everyone else's.
4:19
Speaker 1: Maybe they're the kid who is carrying a couple of
4:22
Speaker 1: kilos more than the average student in their grade, or
4:24
Speaker 1: maybe they're the skinny kid, or perhaps they've got a lisp,
4:27
Speaker 1: or maybe they don't learn so well. All you've got
4:29
Speaker 1: to do is be different, and the kids that have
4:31
Speaker 1: got the power will make sure that you know that
4:33
Speaker 1: you're different, and everyone else does too, which.
4:35
Speaker 3: Is interesting because in adulthood, when you get into a
4:39
Speaker 3: certain sphere, you suddenly realize that anything you have that
4:42
Speaker 3: sets you apart is an asset, whereas yeah, in these
4:46
Speaker 3: teenage years, anything that might set you apart puts you
4:50
Speaker 3: out on the edge to tee you down. Yeah, it's
4:51
Speaker 3: used to tee you downs.
4:54
Speaker 2: I like the faith that you have in humanity that
4:56
Speaker 2: we learn those lessons as adults.
4:59
Speaker 1: I was going to the same thing. I know plenty
5:01
Speaker 1: of that also are.
5:01
Speaker 3: Like, yeah, maybe not, maybe I just have really nice friends.
5:07
Speaker 2: Well, I think this is such an interesting thing because
5:10
Speaker 2: I feel like we're very woke about the concept of bullying.
5:14
Speaker 2: It talked about it, so I feel like we address
5:17
Speaker 2: it regularly, and it's a part of our language, and
5:20
Speaker 2: everything is about anti bullying. So if we put so
5:23
Speaker 2: much effort into counteracting this, then why is it still
5:28
Speaker 2: so prominent? Why are we still some of the worst
5:30
Speaker 2: at it.
5:31
Speaker 1: Let me get really deep for a second. My sense
5:34
Speaker 1: is that it's because of our hearts. I don't think
5:37
Speaker 1: that our hearts are turned towards our neighbors. I don't
5:39
Speaker 1: think that our hearts are turned towards helping and lifting
5:43
Speaker 1: and making a positive difference in the lives of the
5:46
Speaker 1: people around us. Now I'm speaking collectively, I'm not speaking
5:49
Speaker 1: about individuals here. You can look at our politics. Our
5:52
Speaker 1: political leaders across the globe, but particularly in these Western countries,
5:56
Speaker 1: have become more divisive than ever. They're not interested in
5:59
Speaker 1: collaborating and working together for mutual good. They're interested in
6:03
Speaker 1: power and winning. When you look at our sports teams,
6:05
Speaker 1: when you look at our corporate culture, when you look
6:07
Speaker 1: even at our schools and how competitive our schools have become.
6:10
Speaker 1: We live in a culture of competition and comparison and
6:15
Speaker 1: never being enough unless you're on top. I can't help
6:18
Speaker 1: but think that that approach to life at a society
6:21
Speaker 1: wide level turns hearts away from and even against our
6:25
Speaker 1: neighbors and our peers, the kids that we're going to
6:28
Speaker 1: school with, or the people that we're working with. When
6:31
Speaker 1: competition rules, that means that there's going to be a hierarchy,
6:35
Speaker 1: and that means that you want to be at the top,
6:37
Speaker 1: not the bottom. And it's just I think that our
6:40
Speaker 1: hearts are not turned towards helping and lifting. I think
6:42
Speaker 1: that our hearts are turned away from or even against
6:45
Speaker 1: the people who we really could be friends with and
6:47
Speaker 1: collaborators with, even if they see the world differently. And
6:50
Speaker 1: to me, it's actually that simple.
6:52
Speaker 2: It's a really interesting challenge of self awareness as a
6:56
Speaker 2: nation because I as much as white Australia, and I'll
6:59
Speaker 2: say quite boldly, can say that Australia is not a
7:02
Speaker 2: racist country when the minorities in our country say a
7:05
Speaker 2: very different story consistently, when we feel like we're counteracting bullying,
7:11
Speaker 2: and the statistics globally say something different, like maybe we
7:16
Speaker 2: have a very strong self awareness issue that we like
7:18
Speaker 2: to deny that these problems are real, but they're more
7:21
Speaker 2: real than we could ever hope they would ever be.
7:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, me coming and thought here justin taking in what
7:30
Speaker 3: you've said there about how one of the things sitting
7:35
Speaker 3: at the core of our bullying culture is this individualistic
7:38
Speaker 3: society that we do have. Now, does that mean that
7:41
Speaker 3: as parents, when we're looking at how do we help
7:44
Speaker 3: our children not become the bully, that sitting down having
7:49
Speaker 3: a conversation with them about not bullying is not going
7:51
Speaker 3: to be nearly as effective as taking them with us
7:54
Speaker 3: to help our friends move or to volunteer at the
7:57
Speaker 3: local whatever. Is actually that action of having them see
8:01
Speaker 3: us and participate in helping people in our society actually
8:05
Speaker 3: the bettert step to teaching them to not Bullyeve.
8:08
Speaker 1: Yeah, I couldn't have said it better myself. You know,
8:10
Speaker 1: when was the last time, and I'm not asking you
8:13
Speaker 1: to directly, just as a general consideration, when was the
8:16
Speaker 1: last time we had somebody from a different culture in
8:18
Speaker 1: our own home, maybe for a meal or for a barbecue.
8:21
Speaker 1: When was the last time that some people in your
8:24
Speaker 1: street were moving in or moving out and you went
8:27
Speaker 1: knocked on the door and dropped off a meal, or
8:30
Speaker 1: you found out that somebody was sick and so you
8:31
Speaker 1: just went to spend some time with them. I feel
8:34
Speaker 1: as though we tend to have less of a sense
8:37
Speaker 1: of community compared to how we might have when I
8:41
Speaker 1: was a kid growing up, or you know, decades before that.
8:43
Speaker 1: Even my sense is that our volunteering and our caring
8:47
Speaker 1: for others has been diminished as governments have gotten bigger
8:50
Speaker 1: and stepped in and is not for profits have stepped in.
8:53
Speaker 1: And while there's all sorts of great work being done
8:55
Speaker 1: in the world, there's a lot less individual responsibility, I think,
8:58
Speaker 1: and our children are not seen us being used up
9:01
Speaker 1: in helping and serving others. As a result, they have
9:05
Speaker 1: less interaction with those who perhaps are less fortunate, and
9:09
Speaker 1: therefore they have less empathy for them. Because they have
9:11
Speaker 1: less contact with them, Therefore it's easy to bully them,
9:15
Speaker 1: it's easy to dehumanize them because they're not humans anyway.
9:17
Speaker 1: I don't see them, I don't know who they are,
9:18
Speaker 1: I don't know what life is like for them.
9:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's been a really challenging conversation, all out of
9:24
Speaker 2: a statistic in some research.
9:25
Speaker 3: Doctor does and calls them.
9:26
Speaker 1: Thanks for your time, Thanks Cuzzie, Thanks Luke. If you've
9:29
Speaker 1: enjoyed the podcast and found it helpful, If you wouldn't
9:31
Speaker 1: mind doing something for me? Could you visit Apple Podcasts.
9:34
Speaker 1: The ratings and reviews have been coming through at a
9:36
Speaker 1: really wonderful rate, and I appreciate it so much. In fact,
9:39
Speaker 1: it's your ratings and reviews that help people to find
9:41
Speaker 1: the podcast and have happier families. Received a review that
9:45
Speaker 1: came through that just made me smile. It was from
9:47
Speaker 1: lash Leggard, who said, in a sea of podcasts, I'm
9:50
Speaker 1: loving this one for bringing really helpful, practical, encouraging guidance
9:54
Speaker 1: and ideas to our hungry but overwhelmed ears and lives
9:57
Speaker 1: in a brief but powerful way. Each so only around
10:00
Speaker 1: ten minutes or so. Then lash Legged also made some
10:03
Speaker 1: kind words about the way the podcast sounds and said,
10:06
Speaker 1: please continue this podcast forever. Gave us five stars, So
10:10
Speaker 1: nice of you to be in touch and share that.
10:11
Speaker 1: Thank you so very much. If you would like to
10:14
Speaker 1: leave a rating and a review, we really like those
10:16
Speaker 1: five star reviews, and you can do that by visiting
10:19
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, searching up my podcast Doctor Justin Colson's Happy
10:22
Speaker 1: Families and letting us know what you think. So thank you,
10:25
Speaker 1: las Legged. If you like more information about how I
10:28
Speaker 1: can help your family, flourish, especially if you'd like to
10:30
Speaker 1: have ongoing monthly support via our amazing Happy Families memberships.
10:35
Speaker 1: Just visit happy families dot com dot au. Our Happy
10:38
Speaker 1: Families family hips on growing and we'd love to have
10:41
Speaker 1: you as part of it. Or you can go to
10:42
Speaker 1: my Facebook page, doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families