Latest / The Uncommons / Raising Daughters: Are We Protecting Her or Limiting Her? | Ep15
Transcript
- speaker-0: I wanna protect my daughter. speaker-1: What are you trying to protect her from? When I was pregnant and everybody figured out it was a girl, there was not a single person that would not come to you and say, Karma, this is what you get. speaker-0: Guys like me. Most men are worried about their daughters. There's a lot of fucking craziness that happens out there. I don't know if I can prevent it. speaker-1: I don't think it can. Is it a wound and a trigger talking or is it a wisdom talking? speaker-0: I would definitely train her in handgun management with close range. speaker-1: That happens in a lot in parents that have very close personality with their kids. Like they clash a lot. speaker-0: I have never worked hard on any woman in my life than I have on my daughter. Just to even get a simple kiss. speaker-1: You want her to be protected, I want her to be free. I think these two are valid. The way of protection and the way of what freedom translates into. We don't want that to be skewed. Hi everyone, welcome to the Uncomments podcast where we challenge the ordinary and explore what it really takes to build a meaningful life. I'm Parisa. speaker-0: Fish. speaker-1: Today we're going to talk about a topic that my husband is very, very, very sensitive about. speaker-0: I have no idea what this topic is. speaker-1: ⁓ just for the records, he always shows up with zero clue of what we're going to talk about. But then comes comes along. That's good. Flexable. speaker-0: Labor of love. Things that I don't do for love. speaker-1: So this topic. He is very, very sensitive about it. I don't know why. It's ridiculous to me. But I think today is the time, it's the day. We're gonna get to the bottom of this and we're not leaving the store until we come to a conclusion, to an agreement, mutual agreement. speaker-0: I am not committing to this top podcast today. What topic is this? speaker-1: Take a guess, wild guess. So we have a six years old daughter. speaker-0: ⁓ shit. speaker-1: And every year that she gets older, my beloved husband buys more guns and ammo. And he's actually planning to take his sniper rifle training. So when he she he she gets to her teenage years, he can sit on the roof of our house. He's already plotted everything and just take out the boys one by one. speaker-0: Not true. Of course it's not true. speaker-1: Really? Is it not true? speaker-0: Look, every dad wants the best for their daughter speaker-1: Uhhuh. Now Brita, how about you take a deep breath? speaker-0: I am not doing this podcast, I'm sorry. speaker-1: I take a deep breath first. Of course every dad wants the best for their daughter. And you're an amazing dad. So let's start with that. speaker-0: What would you like to know about the fact that I want to protect my daughter? speaker-1: What are you trying to protect her from? thank you for the honesty. Yeah. So for the record, if there was a player's handbook written, I'm sure there's some somewhere, but there's many of them. This man would have wrote many chapters of him. So you're trying to protect her from you 30 years ago. And from what exactly? speaker-0: Guys like me. There's a lot of guys that could break her heart. There's a lot of guys that could ab abuse her innocence. And I'm here to protect her. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: What's the problem? speaker-1: you could. speaker-0: I wanna do this podcast. I love you. I love you on what I'm watching. speaker-1: So do you think buying guns and your plan speaker-0: My guns have nothing to do with my daughter getting older. I I just have guns in the house and you know. Mhm. Some people believe in guns, some people don't. I think they're a form of art and speaker-1: ⁓ Think people that people who believe in guns and don't can even coexist actually. That's true. But and live in the same household. But please do not derail the conversation. I wanna we're talking about our daughter. And she's getting older. She's six years old now. She just had a dance recital, like shaking her booty on the stage, which she turned color many times. What about her growing older? Scaredly. speaker-0: Her getting older doesn't scare me. It just scares me that she might get hurt or abused or I don't know, get sexually involved with guys that are f fuckers. speaker-1: So if she gets sexually involved with guys that are not fuckers, you're good with that. I mean Or you just don't want her to get sexually involved with anybody ever. speaker-0: That's not true. I wanna have a great relationship with a man and I want her to meet and interact and explore, but ⁓ I'm just worried about all the guys that are out there that are that are don't you know, they just wanna basically fucking go. speaker-1: Okay. So don't you think if she has a open and close relationship with you instead of you making her directly or indirectly scared of men, don't you think it's better for her if she gets man one ⁓ one training from you about all the guys that are out there that she should understand them and stay away from them rather than being scared from men. I mean there's two different things. speaker-0: Yeah yeah, ⁓ I I will be so glad to explain to her what's out there. Yeah. speaker-1: Yeah. Not in a way to traumatize her and make her run away from men. No, no. 'Cause I mean there're some really good guys out there. And even the ones that are not so good could turn good. I mean we have a very good example right here in front of us. speaker-0: Yeah. I'm not doing this podcast. speaker-1: So I'm just saying, what if she knew how to deal with men better? Yeah. Rather than being scared of men because her dad has this like really huge reaction towards her interacting with boys later in the future. speaker-0: Well we're not there yet. We could we could we could ⁓ cross that bridge when we get there. speaker-1: I think you need at least ten years of therapy before we can cross that bridge in a happy, healthy way. speaker-0: I think this is a very normal reaction. I I I think most men that have had exposure to the world are worried about their daughters. I would assume if you ask a hundred men that have boys and girls, have sons and daughters, and ask them if if you're worried about your daughter and you know, th th it's like it's like a different relationship of c I'm sure I would say ninety five plus would say they're more worried about the daughter than they are about the boy. speaker-1: Yeah, but do we have a normal spectrum of worrying? I'm worried about my kids too. I'm worried about them in different ways. speaker-0: About your daughter than your son? Yeah, of course I worry about my boys. speaker-1: Think I think boys when they get older, when they become teenagers, they can get very stupid and do stupid things and kill themselves. So that's that's a different worry than a daughter's. I would be more worried about her being naive and not know how to interact with boys and not know what to look for and how to stand her ground and not have enough confidence to speak up and stay speaker-0: Hundred percent. speaker-1: connected with her instinct. That would be my biggest worry for her. Because if she has connection with her inner knowing as a woman, like if she has enough connection with her femininity and with her instinct inside of her, I don't think we would need to worry about her as much. So she would need to have that skeep that connection and then have enough courage to speak up or be able to defend herself if she needs to or walk away from situations if she needs to. So for me, those are the worries. But it's different from yours. speaker-0: Yeah, I mean s I mean you said it yourself, she needs to defend herself. So I'm just I'm just col having a gun collection just so she can defend herself. speaker-1: She can defend herself? Yeah. Or you defend her. speaker-0: Well, we'll see where that goes. No, no, no. I j all joking aside. ⁓ obviously I'm I'm not dumb enough to think ⁓ that I could a prevent my daughter from having relationships with men or boys, and I'm also not dumb enough to think that that I'm going to ⁓ stop her, right? Or do I wanna give that ⁓ persona ⁓ that I do don't wanna to be close to me or feel comfortable telling me about whatever's going on and getting my advice. I I I a hundred percent do. But down deep inside I just worry so much. I'm just like like she's a beautiful little girl. She's just I think everybody all dads think their kids are beautiful. But I think she's gonna be a very attractive woman and there's gonna be a lot of guys after her and there's gonna be a lot of different people and I honestly would love nothing more to then to teach her how to defend herself physically, mentally, emotionally, and have enough experience to be able to understand what's good and bad and have that knowledge and that base and that strength and wisdom to do all that. speaker-1: A lot of a lot of the the knowledge comes from experience too. Yeah. And it comes from heartbreak, figuring out what you don't want until you figure out what you want. So speaker-0: I I understand. ⁓ yeah, but I know her. I know my daughter. And I'm and I'm worried because she's white. She she is she's identical to and I was wild. But I was a dude, you know, it'll be a little different. You know. I hate to admit it, but ⁓ you know, I've broken women's hearts and stuff like that. And I and I know it's part of her learning process, but there's just you need to trust me that there's different types of guys. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. So what would be the worst case scenario that you're so afraid of? speaker-0: I don't wanna talk about I why why do you wanna talk about that? speaker-1: I wanna know what you're so afraid of. speaker-0: worst case scenario is like I I don't know, some guys rape her or drug her or you know y you know, I mean there's a lot of fucking craziness that happens out there. I I don't know if I can prevent it. But at least if for example, just an example, if she wants to go out with guys and they come home to us and we could understand who they are and we can at least not vet them but speaker-1: I don't think you can speaker-0: kind of have an idea of who these kids are. I think that's a very positive step. speaker-1: Think, and I think this is somewhere in some studies even proven. Don't quote me on it, but I've heard and I've read about it that guys that are predators always, almost always pick weak victims. Of course. And weak victims in women in girls are first of all the ones that have low confidence. And the ones that usually don't have good relationship with their fathers. Or they don't have father's figure around. Alright. So that that's like a typical like victim for a predator. The reason I want to bring this up and the reason I'm talking about it because first of all, I know that every day or every other day you're stressed about it. And she's just six. And we have so many more years to go. I mean, I know you're planning the future and you wanna protect her and all that, but she is identical to you and if she senses that your guards are up and you want to control her in any way. Yes. And shape and form. I mean if somebody wants to control you even subtle in a subtle ways without like showing it, you would flip. You know, you wouldn't get close to that. And she is the same. She's not gonna want to you to know. And I know there's if if we're going the way we're going, there's gonna be a day that she comes to me and says, this and this happens, don't tell that. And I don't think that's a happy day for you. I mean, hopefully at least she can trust me and come to me. I'm hoping, right? But then if we do things right, ⁓ my wish is that she comes to you and at least you can guide her, and at least she would know, like. Medically at least you can guide her that these are the drugs you would avoid, these are the things that could happen, like somebody could put this in your drink, that this like a c give her a crash course on things rather than like being completely against you knowing. speaker-0: I would definitely train her in handgun management with close range. speaker-1: Like ⁓ my god. speaker-0: Close range. Targets between the fucking eyes. Anyway, he's trying to drug my daughter. speaker-1: But what if she learns not to put herself in situations? speaker-0: Yeah. No, no, I'm I'm jump joking. But yeah, so how do you suggest we get there? It is it is it it is a point of stress, right? And it is something that ⁓ I would love to be super involved with. I would love for her to feel comfortable to confide in me and and I'm sure I'm gonna hear shit that I don't wanna hear if that's the c I I I would love it. Right. But even now, like like she's so hard headed and and like She doesn't want to kiss me in the morning, she doesn't come and kiss me in the morning. And she doesn't, you know, she doesn't want to give me a hug. Or like like I'm I'm trying to be close to her. I'm trying to be there for her. I I I've changed my work schedule in a way that you know, I'm there in the mornings now. I I've I've changed a lot of things in our lives. So I'm I'm there. So I'm not an absent father. I try to connect with her and and then she's kind of warming up. But I mean I tell everybody that I have never worked hard on any woman in my life than I have on my daughter. Just to even get a simple kiss. It's just like this is like it's it's it's crazy. You know, so I I I I have a relationship with her and it's a very weird relationship in a way that, you know, she's a she's six, but she's a woman. Like I mean, I don't care if you're whatever age, a girl is a girl, I've noticed and I've realized. that at whatever age a girl is a girl. It's crazy. Like she's moody. You know, she's in your face. I mean sh I think she got that from me. Like she's just in your face. And y you know, she's the boss and nobody can it's just it's like speaker-1: Ha ha ha ha. Well, I think a portion of it, a huge portion of it, is that you both have really high energy. Like high, high, high, high fire energy. And you clash. Like when she comes to me, I can like bring her down a little bit. When she comes to you, I think it adds up to her fire. And she is just like she burns a lot faster. I think that's what a a portion of that is what prevents her from like being physically too close to you because when she is, she starts like going crazier than she is. And that happens in a lot in parents that have very close personality with their kids. Like they clash a lot. So I don't think you should take that person. speaker-0: I'm not taking it personal. You know, I just like and I know that. I I know I'm wood and she's fire and we're just like or I have fire in me and she's fire and you know, it's ⁓ I I I realize that. I al also see so much of me in her. speaker-1: So the wood and fire and all that. There's a book that's writ been written about ADHD. I'll find the name of the author and put it in the comments. But it was written about children with ADHD. And it talks about Chinese medicine background on people that there are five different elements and each person identif can identify with one or two of these that are the most dominant in them and it's earth, water, wood, fire, and metal. And usually if a parent is like fire and the child is fire too, they burn each other so much more. So it's harder for the child to have a closer relationship with that parent. Or if I'm water, like when I go close to her, because I know she's high in fire. When I go close to her, I try to bring myself to water. So there's a lot of it. It's a great book. It's amazing. It's been written for children with ADHD, but it really applies to all sorts children. A lot of kids with trouble at school. It helps a lot with it. And also with behavioral problems, like it explains why. And it it gives directions on how to manage these elements. Because everybody has all five in them. But like one or two are more bold, so you can manage and bring down some and take like it's their routines to do. So with her, she's very much fire and wood, and you're fire and wood, and wood burns h fire more, and fire burns fire more, so it's just like a total clash. But ⁓ I know you do also have this mindset a lot of times if you remember to go more into water, which ⁓ water doesn't have any sense of time, it's more fluid, it's more gentle. And when you do that, she just like melts quickly. So there are solutions for it. But going back to the conversation about her future and boys, I wanna know I because I feel that you there is a reaction in you, even like when I talk about it and take a deep breath, it's a trigger. And I wanna know when you talk about it. Like it's good to know is it a wound and a trigger talking, or is it a wisdom talking? speaker-0: What kind of a wound would it be? speaker-1: Does you just explain that you hurt women so I don't you don't want I mean, when I was pregnant and everybody figured out it was a girl, there was not a single person that would not come to you and say, Karma This is what you get You're gonna have a girl, yay, pay off time. That kind of a speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: So now I think maybe you're afraid of karma. speaker-0: Yeah, a little bit. speaker-1: Little speaker-0: I mean it's I I mean I wasn't a bad guy, you know, it wasn't like, you know, but it was you know, I was just the guy, you know, and ⁓ and I'm just an extreme kind of a person to begin with. And it was just like those two things together. It was like I would tell ⁓ these women that I'm not gonna be committed, I'm not gonna marry you. You know, it wasn't like, ⁓ I'm gonna marry you, but let me just get into your pants b because I'm gonna marry you or I'm gonna have a long relationship with you, or I would never do that. speaker-1: Yeah, but that's something that every woman hopes for it. speaker-0: Anyway. I mean it was a time that people like, ⁓ if you want to get married, go out with Paige and then you you marry the next guy you you you end up dating that happened to like so many so many girls that I dated, you know? Because ⁓ I I I don't know I don't know ⁓ you know, so those things are there and they're inside of me. So I don't know if you wanna call it a wound, but I I wouldn't wanna have a serious relationship because of my own internal issues and factors. that ended up, you know, h h hurting other people. Now, you you're right, there were some women there that, you know, the minute they saw that they just said, you know, fuck you, I'm out. Yeah, yeah. speaker-1: So that's what I want for For me, it took a long time to get to that point to realize that ⁓ like if these are the signs that a guy is committed, these are the signs that a guy is a jerk. ⁓ like it took years to f to get to that point because I had low self-esteem, because I grew up in a Muslim country. An Iran woman can vote, they can drive, they can work, which is amazing for a Muslim country, you know, in all other neighbor countries they can't. But everything else was a huge amount of suppression. And I remember I was a little girl, I would go on the street. And the first time I had ice cream at ice cream shop after I turned like seven or whatever, somebody came and told me you cannot lick ice cream in in the ice cream shop. It's provoking man, like you can't do that. Or walking with my friends on the streets and laughing out loud. Like my mom told me she's like you can't laugh out loud on the streets. Like it's it's not right for you're not a good girl if you do that. What? Yeah. So I grew up in that culture. It is. It's that's that's how we grew up. Now it's different, but when we grew up, that was it. And then you apply that to every aspect of life. I turned into a tomboy, like I would just wear baggy pants and just like wanted nothing to do with being a speaker-0: Fuck a shit is that? speaker-1: Feminine woman, cause then I didn't want to get hurt, or I didn't want to be called a bad girl or whatever. So it took me years to grow from that and connect with my feminine side and be able to express myself how I feel, how like you know, in a feminine way. And I it's still a work in progress, but I don't want that to for my daughter. Like I don't want her to fear being connected with herself, with her feminine side. And I also don't want her to fear men because I did. I thought only men in my family are good and everybody else is a jerk. Because all I heard no, all I heard was that men are gonna hurt you, don't get close to them, don't open yourself up to any man. Don't like t then w the first person I opened myself up to was that like I married him and I got hurt and then I I had a series of people. speaker-0: Nothing wrong with that. speaker-1: To bounce things against and realize, ⁓ these are the signs that a guy is not committed. ⁓ great. These are the signs that a guy doesn't even want to have anything to do with me. He just wants to get in my back. Great. Like I I had no clue. Nobody told me those things. Like nobody let me even experience it. So there was no guideline. And I learned a hard way. And I don't want her to learn the hard way. I don't think. Staying away from men or fearing men is protection. I think understanding men is protection for her. speaker-0: much as I love the fact that they kept men away from you and I would love to keep men away from my daughter as much as possible. Well you're right. I you I I agree. I I agree with you. I speaker-1: So I know it's tr I said all this to say I know it's triggering for you, but it's triggering for me too the other way. Like I want my daughter to be free. speaker-0: I understand. Yeah, I j I just don't want the fact that you had those issues and inhibitions that you go to the other side and say, ⁓ you go do whatever you want, Nika and you speaker-1: So I don't like the fact that you had all this history and go and completely like block her off either. So it has to be so we have to find like a middle ground. speaker-0: Right, I understand that. ⁓ but just to focus on what you said that you wanted to go to no men because what what happened to you, right? Your point of view is also skewed. Just like mine is askewed. I'm not saying mine is not skewed. speaker-1: I don't think what we want for her is skewed. You want her to be protected, I want her to be free. I think these two are valid. The way of protection and the way of what freedom translates into, we don't want that to be skewed, right? speaker-0: Especially the freedom part. speaker-1: specially protection of course. There's nothing wrong with freedom. What? There's nothing wrong with freedom. speaker-0: Like what do you mean by what do you mean define freedom? speaker-1: Like being able to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do, if it internally feels right. Not because you're pressured, not because you want to prove something, not because speaker-0: Fe you think like if my thirteen year old daughter wants to have sex with two men at the same time that are having a gang situation with her and is she's considering that freedom, it's okay for her to do that. speaker-1: Well, I think that's a very dark thought, first of all. A thirteen year old why would then I would speaker-0: Because that's what that I mean, thirteen year olds are not having sex, right? Even younger. speaker-1: But with two men and look, if a thirteen year old want to wants such a thing, you cannot stop her. But if you're aware of it, to me that's a really huge red flag to be cautious about and figure out what's really happening with that thirteen year old that she wants that. speaker-0: I mean you said you said Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I realize that, but if you say I wanted to have freedom speaker-1: Yeah, but you're translating freedom into having a thirteen year old having sex with two men. That's not like you can translate freedom into anything. I said doing whatever she speaker-0: Whatever she wants. speaker-1: guess it internally feels right. If a thirteen year old wants to have sex with two men, then either the connection with internals is off or something else is pushing her or there there is there's something going on. speaker-0: If it internally There could be many things going on. But but at the end of the day, if she has the authority and the freedom to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, if it feels right to her, when she's going through puberty, her hormones are jacked up. I mean, I don't know about you, but thirteen, I was out of control. I was doing things and like when I think I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking? speaker-1: Yeah. But could anybody stop you? speaker-0: They did try, I'll tell you that. Okay. And then what happened? Nothing. I mean I I speaker-1: You're talking about boundaries for a thirteen year old that ⁓ you can't do this and this and that. Is that what you mean? I mean don't give him full freedom with boundaries. speaker-0: Boundaries, but when you when the mom is all about I want my daughter to have freedom because I didn't have it and let freedom be such a huge, vast, huge thing because you didn't have it. speaker-1: I think you're translating what I said into that. It's not I did not say those words. I didn't say freedom is such a huge vast thing and that's the only thing she needs. I said you want protection, I want freedom, let's combine the two. And you know, I'm very like mentally down deep inside, I'm very conservative. You know that so keep that into consideration. speaker-0: No I'm not. I ⁓ I Can I speak? Sure. speaker-1: Yeah, we're full on fight in front of camera and microphone. Go ahead. speaker-0: Well, we told our audience that it's gonna be raw. Go ahead and it's the truth, and I'm gonna talk about the truth. So just like anything else in life, like even in our household, we don't watch TV. Like I don't watch TV. Not that I don't like watching TV. I just don't have the time. I have more far more important things to do. Right? But when I'm out somewhere and the TV's on, because of the fact that I haven't watched it for so long. I just get mesmerized. Or it's just like somebody who's been in jail for fifty a man who's been in jail fifteen years hasn't touched a woman. He's gonna come out and is gonna probably wanna fuck anything that's moving. Right? So someone who hasn't had freedom. And wants freedom for her children, right? All I'm trying to say is that there is a likelihood that that point of view is eskewed because of your experience in the past. And I don't want that eskewed freedom to be a platform or the common denominator or where. w you think should be allowed for our daughter or son or whatever to live within within that vast spectrum of freedom because you came from that. speaker-1: So I just told you where I came from and I was vulnerable and I opened up about something. Okay. And you grabbed that and you translated that into this is a vast skewed situation. So speaker-0: Yeah. I'm not saying I'm I'm not saying it is. They can't. I'm just saying that I don't want it to be. If there's a possibility that your view is eskewed, I I think we should clean that up before we all before you and I agree what freedom means to our doctrine. speaker-1: Okay. So the thing is we should agree on what freedom means. Okay. But there's a caveat. The caveat is when I had those experiences, we are about 15 years away from it, more. Right? It's been many, many years and I've done many mu a lot of work on myself. So the fact that I bring it up, it doesn't mean that I still live in those experiences. If you know better than anybody that I have done a lot of work. To balance myself out. I went from one end, not really to the other end, because when I had the freedom, I could have, I didn't. And I speaker-0: Questionable. speaker-1: But it's speaker-0: I mean I could I could bring up the thermometer in our discussion if you like. speaker-1: Thermometer is a very scientific way of figuring out when a woman ovulates and there's nothing wrong with that. What is wrong with me having a thermometer next to our bed when we're dating? So I can check my temperature every morning. So I have a curve of as an engineer. I want to know my curve of of my body and my cycle. What's wrong with that? That's a very good example for freedom. speaker-0: That thermometer was a was a used thermometer. It wasn't a thermometer that was bought for me. No, no. speaker-1: No who d what you think I wasn't a person before you? speaker-0: I didn't say that you're not a person before me, but you said I you said I I didn't go to the other end. I'm like I'm like speaker-1: Not go to the other end. And you know that. So do not do not. This is not a winning conversation and losing. This is a win win situation that we're looking for, okay? Reminder. Reminder. speaker-0: ⁓ You wanted to have the speaker-1: We're on the same page. We're on the same team. We want the best for our daughter. speaker-0: True. speaker-1: We want her to trust us and not run away from us. True. And not turn her back and say, fuck my mom, fuck my dad. I'm gonna lie to them and do whatever I want. We want them to be confident, true, courageous, true, have the right boundaries internally with herself, not because we're forcing her. And ⁓ true, go true, say true. speaker-0: Well speaker-1: True you cannot force boundaries on on kids, a teenager that has your personality. speaker-0: your boundaries what is a what she pres perceives that is a acceptable boundary has a lot to do with the energy that she feels from you and me and understands that ⁓ I think my mom is gonna be okay with this amount of freedom right speaker-1: I knew. Mm-hmm. speaker-0: And just like you say that you don't want her to run away from me because I'm gonna be so closed, right? speaker-1: What when I say freedom, why do you grab freedom and translate it into a thirteen year old having sex with two men? Is that what you you define as freedom? If I was a but that doesn't mean freedom to me. speaker-0: If I was in a dude that had that that had a thirteen year old that says, I'm free to do whatever I want, I'm like, ⁓ let's go to my friend's house, we're both gonna fuck you. speaker-1: So then she would say yes. We're talking about freedom for her. That doesn't mean freedom to me. speaker-0: If for one moment she thought that would be okay because her mom told her, I really want you to be free because I didn't have freedom when I was growing up. And she on her own translates that into she could do whatever she wants or something like along those lines. speaker-1: Why would you even want that? speaker-0: I don't know. Because teenager because teenagers do crazy shit. Teenagers do crazy shit. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and a lot of teenagers with really low self steam do things. speaker-0: I that I agree with you. So so all I'm saying is that like like look, I I'm not even pointing at you. I'm pointing at me. Like I did not I did not want to get married. I did whatever I could do not to get married and you know just w whatever because my parents didn't have a good relationship. I equated marriage to pain and I left situations, relationships, engagements, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Because my I was skewed, right? And it was it was it was wrong. ⁓ look at us for the most part. speaker-1: Except today. Except today. speaker-0: But it has a lot to do where we come from, right? And if you come from a from a place that you were suppressed as a as a child because you lived in a fucked up Muslim country that did whatever, right? And you want your s your your offsprings to have way more freedom, right? speaker-1: Anything is more freedom than that. Do you think I am extreme in my expression of feminine freedom? speaker-0: I I agree. I mean I mean you you you ha you have your waves, but what? speaker-1: I'm gonna ask the question again. Do you think I am extreme expression of my femininity? Do you think I'm extreme in that? speaker-0: I think no, I don't think you are. But there's times that you focus on it because you wanna be more feminine and you wanna be more into your feminine and it kinda goes to the and it oscillates like everybody oscillates. So but the oscillations are are within acceptable and normal rhythms of what I why what I believe would be okay. How's that? speaker-1: Your acceptability? Uh-huh. And do speaker-0: Yeah. In in my belief, I'm just talking about speaker-1: Let me back back up a little bit. Would you like to be married to a feminine woman who is free in her expression of freedom or not? speaker-0: Yes. speaker-1: So do you like it if I'm free in my expression of feminine energy? Okay. So what is the problem if I have more expression of my femininity? speaker-0: I love it actually. You are thirty seven years old and you've been through a whole bunch of stuff and you're not thirteen. You've had enough to be able to juxtapose and understand where you wanna live with your reality or your femininity. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's a any right to be able to to explore that. speaker-0: A hundred percent. But we as parents have an obligation to give give our kids a platform that has got some limits to it. And this limit grows and grows and grows as they gain gain experience, as they become older, as they go through past some of the phases of their life, you know, a a thirteen year old and a girl and a speaker-1: record? I don't think a thirteen year old girl or boy should have any sort of sexual encounters with another person. That's just but you grab that and translate it into a thirteen year old having sex with two men, I mean, that's a little from the other side of you know. speaker-0: What? Mm-hmm. I was the first one to say that. I'm not denying it. I I and I am not denying that my vision for my daughter is skewed. Don't get me wrong. I was the first one that said, yeah, I've done a lot of fucked up shit, and I just don't want that for my daughter. It is very skewed, right? Even probably if not equal more than you being suppressed in a Muslim country. speaker-1: That's a scoot. Way more. speaker-0: Why'd you see that? speaker-1: Because I my suppression in a Muslim country led to me to go and to personal growth and work on myself and work on what's value for me. What's value for me internally and within my instinct, within my like who I am, rather than what I've been told. That was my my heart my hard time and my like peak moment was that, because there was a blend between they told me this is who a good girl is. And I had no say in it. So I had to go discover what I feel would be right and what's within limits, within value for me. Right? speaker-0: Your understanding of your belief of your freedom that you want to give your daughter internally, right, comes from an understanding that you've had a past that was didn't have that much freedom. And there's a possibility that you want more freedom for your daughter. Just like speaker-1: I do, I do. And I want more freedom than I had for speaker-0: Well for sure. No no as as long as it doesn't pass like somewhere along the midline. speaker-1: Then we've got to define the midline. Yeah. Because midline for you and me might be different. I know it's not different because we have very similar right. But speaker-0: It's not. But a midline would be for someone who was for a woman that was raised in a Western world, like the United States or Europe or or something like that. If somebody who who wasn't raised in Iran, Muslim, you know, sh whatever, right, and was raised somewhere else, where would their b their midline be? Right? speaker-1: I mean I don't even d care for what other people's midline is. We can define a midline of us and for our family. speaker-0: Of course. Yeah, just like my midline is like I know I've and I come from that, ⁓ I gotta protect my daughter. I realize I'm I realize I'm a skewed, right? And I'm and I'm forthright ⁓ telling you that you're correct. I will do whatever it takes for me to be in the midline, whatever our midline is. But I know it's coming from this position that I'm not comfortable because that's my past. speaker-1: Yeah, so I explained to you my my past. Not because I think I'm trying to let her be free and do whatever she wants a thirteen year old to go sleep with two men. Because I want you to know it's really triggering for me. When you try to overprotect her and not let her like she wears something and you're like, She's gonna go leave the house like that? Yeah, she's leaving the house. She she dresses herself, she's six. And she wears like you cannot sexualize a six-year-old and what they. speaker-0: I don't. speaker-1: So sh if she wants to leave the house with shorts, let her leave the house with speaker-0: Sure. Okay. I want you to tell the world that I am a million times better than I don't know, two years ago. speaker-1: ⁓ yeah. Hundred pr ⁓ two years ago we would have to have this conversation about you keep that you kept saying that ⁓ my daughter will never marry a man. speaker-0: I would I never said that. I was joking. I was joking like I she's my daughter. speaker-1: Even joke. To go in her head. So yes, you have come you have come a long way since two years ago. speaker-0: You know what? I hope there's a lot of men listening. You know, the the thing is this podcast is probably followed by a lot of I don't know who's followed by probably a lot of women. I just hope there's a lot more men because they know what what goes through a man's mind and the dog. It's not because I was a womanizer. It's not. Men, dads, have this thing with their daughters. You just don't get it. speaker-1: I get it. I just don't want you to kill yourself over it. And I don't want you to push her away. That's all I ask for. speaker-0: I am open to working out the situation with you to figure out what the midline is, how are we gonna do this? And I'll I'll do whatever it takes for me to have a good relationship with my daughter because I agree with you. When daughters don't have good relationships with their dad, issues come up and I don't want any of that from my daughter. So I'll do whatever the fuck it takes. speaker-1: How about we start with therapy? Therapy. ⁓ No, but I think this is a good good start point. speaker-0: With what? I can't believe you listened to this podcast today. speaker-1: To work on it. I mean, I did I was not s thinking 13, I was thinking like 16, 16 to like have boys around. But anyways, we have like 10 years, eight to ten years to work on it. If you think 13, 14. So I'm just hoping. Can I tell you what my wish is before we end this? My wish is that she can feel comfortable enough. That if she wants to go somewhere with somebody, she can bring him to our house rather than running away from us. I'm hoping that if she wants to go with a boy, I don't know what it means. I it what it means today from our time is like very different. So I don't know what it will mean 10 years from now, but whatever that means. Whatever business that means, I'm hoping she can bring speaker-0: What? I'm sorry. Go what is what does go mean? speaker-1: Come to us rather than running away from us and lying to us. Within our boundaries. No excess freedom, okay? Within the boundaries of our family at that moment, that we don't know what it's gonna mean 10 years from now, to come to us instead of running away. Number two, I'm hoping that she is very confident and comfortable in her own skin and connected to her instinct. That if something doesn't feel right, she can step away. And if it does feel right, she won't question and second question and third question herself that should I be doing that? Should I not be doing that? She can feel comfortable, have confidence in her decision making. speaker-0: Okay. What does that mean? speaker-1: I think one of the guns at our house is gonna be used today on me. My disappear, you know what happened. Number three is that I want for her to within safe boundaries and being protected and have her body for herself protected, not not any any abuse or anything that you're talking about, but be able to be connected with her feminine. Flow. Just three. speaker-0: I'm okay with that. As long as we we show her how to use a gun. That's it. speaker-1: That's it! All this conversation and we end up at point one. Well, our kids are not in teenage years yet. So if you have experience with teenagers and especially girls and boys and how things can go and healthy boundaries to set for them, I would love to hear about it. Yeah? speaker-0: Well if she doesn't I would love to hear from any man that could help me calm the fuck down with this situ. speaker-1: True. speaker-0: It is a very tough thing to swallow. speaker-1: We got you got. Don't cry, why are you crying? speaker-0: I'm not crying. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: I'm not I'm I just I'm I'm accepting. speaker-1: Thank you. Please leave us comments and let us know how to deal with this. speaker-0: This is abuse.