Latest / Resilience and Relationships (R&R) / Boundaries Begin Early: Tools to Protect Children - Resilience & Relationships (R&R) - Stephanie Olson and Rebecca Saunders

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Boundaries Begin Early: Tools to Protect Children - Resilience & Relationships (R&R) - Stephanie Olson and Rebecca Saunders · Resilience and Relationships (R&R)

• 0:16
  Stephanie Olson: Stephanie, hello and welcome to resilience and relationships R and R, I am Stephanie Olson, and I'm here with Mecca Saunders, yay. So okay, we are going to talk. I love this topic, but it's uncomfortable for some people, I know, but we're going to talk about body boundaries with youth. Do you want to kind of start that conversation of what, what we mean by that, what you mean by
• 0:44
  Unknown: that. So what? It's definitely one of those conversations that is necessary.
• 0:46
  Unknown: Can feel extremely uncomfortable, but it doesn't have to. But what we're talking about is, how do you talk to your kids, and we'll go through what different ages, how this looks different. But how do you talk to your kids about what are and are not appropriate things with their body. So, yeah, no, what boundaries should you have up? Can those change from person to person? What does that look like?
• 1:09
  Stephanie Olson: Right, right?
• 1:09
  Stephanie Olson: And, you know, I've, I've seen some really interesting things with with boundaries, but I think it really starts with one very important piece of that is teaching your youth the anatomically correct body part names. And I think for some reason that is uncomfortable for parents and caregivers to do sometimes. I'm not sure why, but what we know is there are real dangerous problems if you don't name those correctly, two
• 1:56
  Unknown: and four. And I can tell you that sometimes it is awkward that when my son will scream out, you know, don't touch my body part when I'm changing, right? Well, it's awkward, yeah, yeah, the benefits definitely outweigh the risks. And so what is that risk?
• 2:11
  Unknown: You want to explain that?
• 2:15
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah. So there was a, an actually, very well known story about a or at least well known in our circles, about a mom who taught her to say and we are not going to be using those terms only because of the algorithm, not because we're ashamed of those terms, But we because we don't want YouTube specifically to not allow this to go anywhere you actually get to see the podcast. Yes, it's important. So there was a mom who actually taught her daughter to name her body part cookie, and instead of the V body part.
• 2:57
  Stephanie Olson: And so she actually did get SA by a male family member. And she told her teacher, who she considered to be her safe adult.
• 3:12
  Stephanie Olson: And she went and told her teacher, my daddy, or whomever it was, has been touching my cookie well to the teacher, she thought she was actually talking about like a chocolate chip cookie that you eat, and somebody was trying to touch her cookie or steal her cookie, or whatever. And the SA went, even though disclosed by the little girl went on reported because the teacher, at first didn't understand what was actually being reported. And so it's important that we teach our children the appropriate names, so that if they do need to disclose whether to us or somebody else that they have the appropriately appropriate terminology to share that with the appropriate people,
• 4:09
  Unknown: and that is definitely worth any discomfort, because, yeah, I mean just imagining that little girl and and another thing happens too, you know, whenever she tries to report this And it's treated like no big deal, because they don't understand what she's saying, right? You're thinking, then, oh, I guess this is okay.
• 4:28
  Stephanie Olson: It's okay, or I'm not being heard, or no one really cares. I mean, there's so many things that can come from something like that and it, you know, it really doesn't matter what body part we're talking about. We need to teach them the anatomically correct terms so that when they do report, if they do report, not when if they do have to report, they people understand what they're talking about. And it's
• 4:59
  Unknown: also a protection. To factor against that abuse ever occurring. There have been conversations with convicted. I don't know if I can say P word, people who are offenders, convented offenders, yeah, for words, yeah. I know we're we have to be so careful, which is ironic, which is ironic, yes, but offenders of children who had been convicted and imprisoned, and they have even confirmed, you know, if a child will say you can't touch my anatomically correct body part, they are less likely because they know, oh, that's a child who's been talked to. Yes, they're probably going to tell
• 5:40
  Stephanie Olson: exactly this is somebody that knows this, which means, yes, to your point, they've had these conversations with their loved ones, and so this is not going to be, it's not going to be an easy mark for them, so to speak. Yeah, that's not
• 5:56
  Unknown: move on to someone who hasn't, which is important, right to know, because we all need to be having these conversations. We don't want
• 6:03
  Stephanie Olson: to make it exactly and so let's make sure that all of our kids become that person who, you know, they go to next and then, okay, that's not going to work, and next. And that is what education is all about. From a very young age.
• 6:19
  Stephanie Olson: I'll say it again. I've said it 100 times, but when people ask me, at what age do you start talking to your child about sex so early that they don't remember when you started the conversation? And that's age appropriate. You know, we want to do it in appropriate way that they understand, that they can relate to, that they're comfortable with. We don't want to be giving children adult conversations and topics, but we do want to have those conversations at an age appropriate and developmentally appropriate way to our youth as as young as very beginning.
• 7:03
  Unknown: And I do want to, I want to say too, just to clarify, yeah, so saying those correct terms makes it less likely, but it's not 100% so they're like, We need to be still watching and everything.
• 7:15
  Unknown: But I just wanted to make a little disclaimer about that, in case you're listening and you think, Oh, well, that happened to me or someone I know, and we did not your fault, right?
• 7:22
  Unknown: Active factor that we can share?
• 7:29
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah, I that's a great point. And of course, we know, and whether you have been essayed, whether your child has been essayed, somebody in your family, it is not the person's fault who has been essayed. It is the perpetrators fault all of the time, 100% of the time, no matter what. And so I do think that's a very important thing to share, and I and I think to that point, you know, it's really interesting, and I'm just going to go here for a little bit, and we can keep talking about some other stuff, but I just heard somebody share that they were essayed as a child, and their mom talked to law enforcement, and law enforcement said, You do not want to put them through a trial, through prosecution, all of those things. And so mom came back and said, We're not going to pursue this. We're not going to do anything out of protection. But what this child heard and carried for the rest of her life, until healing really started to set in, was you aren't worth pursuing action, and I do think we have to be really careful how we respond and and that we do it in a way that teaches our youth. I will go to the ends of the earth to protect you. It doesn't matter, and you are my top priority, and that can be done in different ways. And I'm not saying that everything should I mean. I'm personally all about reporting and making sure that this perpetrator doesn't do it again. And yet, every situation is very different. Some situations are beyond the statute of limitations, and so reporting is no longer an option, or whatever the case may be, but regardless, as parents and caregivers, we need to give that impression verbally, physically, that you are the priority. And we will protect you through this.
• 10:03
  Unknown: Absolutely, I'm glad you brought that up.
• 10:05
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah, I hear a lot of stories. In fact, I know one personally, like I know the people where a young girl was essayed by dad. So it was biological dad essayed by dad.
• 10:26
  Stephanie Olson: Mom protected dad, and so didn't do anything. You know, it'll never happen again. And then the family protected dad, and actually the daughter then still had a relationship with dad, still brought her kids around.
• 10:46
  Stephanie Olson: Now grandpa and Grandpa essayed the grandchildren. I think what happened was grandpa also, or this guy essayed somebody else's child so out of the family, also like a friend, and that person pursued prosecution, and he wound up getting convicted and spent time in prison and wound up dying in prison. It was it, but I remember thinking that the pain of that child who was originally essayed, because not only did the essay happen, but mom didn't protect her, and whether you recognize that early on as a child as that's not protection or it, you do understand it, it traumatizes you, and so that does come out later in life, and the recognition that this person didn't protect me. Who should have protected me is really important. That's a really big thing. Yeah, my goodness,
• 12:08
  Unknown: it's hard. What a heartbreaking story, yes, and to know, not isolated either, that that happens all over right?
• 12:18
  Stephanie Olson: And the reality is, and I think this is important to say that is never one and done. You know? I mean, if you see that happening, whether in your family, somebody else's, you have to have the expectation that that will happen again, if not to that individual, to another individual, and so just being mindful of that piece, I think, is important,
• 12:44
  Unknown: and that can be really hard to accept.
• 12:47
  Stephanie Olson: But yeah, yeah for sure. So, so talk about some other boundaries that just went really heavy right away.
• 13:02
  Unknown: Yeah, yeah, yeah, like we said, we're not we're not scared of saying stuff. We're not scared. We are not so yes, body boundaries, I really start with that foundation of being able to talk about things in the most accurate way. Another foundational piece, I believe, is developing that relationship with your children to where they will ask you or talk to you if something else, and you did a whole episode on that,
• 13:29
  Stephanie Olson: yeah, yeah, that that has to start with all of the conversations that we don't care about, that your Kids want to talk about, and making them a priority. And I always say that when your kids walk into the room, or the kids that you're serving, or whomever that you Your eyes should light up like there is no one else more important in your world right at that moment. And I think that's where it starts, because you can't have a conversation with a kiddo that is, like, super heavy and deep, if that, if that's your first real conversation, not gonna really happen. It's not gonna work. Now let
• 14:18
  Unknown: us look at you like, why are you doing this? Yeah,
• 14:21
  Stephanie Olson: why are you torturing both of us right now?
• 14:27
  Stephanie Olson: Yes, yeah, so go ahead and speak to that a little bit.
• 14:30
  Unknown: Yeah. I I see this with my littles, and it's that I want to show you, this tower I built over and unlike you, just put one more block on it. It hasn't even changed. But it's important. We need to appreciate it, and it
• 14:44
  Stephanie Olson: makes it really does. It really does.
• 14:47
  Unknown: So once those foundational pieces are laid, then we start talking about boundaries in themselves, and what is a boundary? So how would you describe that? And when would you describe that?
• 14:57
  Unknown: Boundaries?
• 15:00
  Stephanie Olson: Are one of my favorite conversations in the world. Seriously, I could talk about boundaries all day long, and it's not because they're easy to set or easy to do, but they're so important and we all need to get it so this is how I define boundaries. I defined, define boundaries as they're they're like fences, and fences can keep us in or keep us out, so they can protect us internally, or they can keep other people out to keep us protected. So that's how I look at it. And a boundary can be as simple as, please don't call me past nine o'clock because I'm sleeping after nine, although that's where Do Not Disturb on your phone comes in. I say I live and die by that that's really important, but that could be a boundary. Just don't call me past or you know, once I'm with my family in the evening, that's my family time, unless it's an emergency, I'm not gonna be on the phone whatever that could be a boundary, or as severe as you are, not a safe person in my life, and I no longer want contact with you, and I no longer want to to have a relationship with you. So I think boundaries can look like a number of different things like that.
• 16:37
  Unknown: Yeah. And so teaching kids about boundaries that can start. I mean, really, really little. I actually, I talked to my littles about that. I've got a four year old and a two year old, and like you might hear my two year old say, respect my boundary when he's mad.
• 16:56
  Stephanie Olson: That's right, that's fabulous, by the way. But yes, we've talked
• 17:00
  Unknown: about it. And so usually them, it's, you know, I just, I try to introduce the language, because it's important that they have that language and that they know that they can set it so, right? Instead of, you know, my brother pushed down my tower, and I'm gonna, you know, push him over, I say, okay, look, you can say, I'm asking to play alone right now. Please respect that, right? And so is it flawless?
• 17:23
  Stephanie Olson: No, no, but I have to interject. I have to interject because I have heard Rebecca on the phone copious amounts of time talking to her.
• 17:32
  Stephanie Olson: You are such a good mom. I just love hearing you talk to your kids, because I, I don't remember being that amazing or that gentle. I, you know, I'm sure it's it all changes in your mind at some point, but you're just so compassionate and caring, and you have such a great way with you. And I feel like I was always like, stop.
• 18:00
  Stephanie Olson: You know, don't hate your brother, whatever you just are.
• 18:03
  Stephanie Olson: So sometimes too, you are just very gentle and compassionate. I love that, so I digress,
• 18:14
  Unknown: yes to that. I mean body boundaries, specifically we I don't know. You can tell me, I don't know that this is the right thing to do. It's just kind of what we've done that's been okay for us, but we go through scenarios. And so especially me, it's just me and the kids. And so I've, you know, I'm outnumbered, and so I try very hard to help them understand, like we have rules for a reason we need to know. So if someone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, what do you do?
• 18:45
  Unknown: You tell mom. Yeah, this happens. What do you do? You and all the answers are you tell mom. Always tell mom. And so I just try to drill that into their heads. But one of the things we've talked about too, is if someone touches your body in a way that you don't like.
• 19:00
  Unknown: You ask them to stop, and you tell Mom, is there anything that you would add to that?
• 19:08
  Stephanie Olson: Well, I think that's great. And I would add that there is absolutely no right or wrong to that. So for example, if somebody wants to hold your hand. Let's it's a friend at school, a little preschool friend, that wants to hold your hand. And if you don't feel comfortable holding that friend's hand, you get to say, I don't feel comfortable holding my friend's hand. And, you know, and talk to mom, I, I think hugging, you know, things like that. So that's the only thing I would add that it doesn't have to be, you know, I know a lot of people talk about if somebody touches you in your bathing suit areas, is what, what they call it sometimes. And of course, we would use those anatomically correct terms with our with our children, but I think it is important that we just let them know. It doesn't matter that you don't have to hug somebody, that you don't have to let somebody touch you on. You know, it's different. If you have a two year old and mom's picking you up and they don't want to be picked up, that's a totally different thing. And and you can explain that to youth too, like these are the differences they they're smart, they get it. But, yeah, I think that's really important. That doesn't matter what it is you tell mom and but you could also tell that person, no, thank you. So I love that.
• 20:31
  Stephanie Olson: How do
• 20:33
  Unknown: you think that conversation shifts as children age? You know, you've had kids that have completely grown up, so you've been through all those stages. What have you noticed?
• 20:42
  Stephanie Olson: Completely grown up. I will do those air quotes too. Yes.
• 20:51
  Stephanie Olson: Um, gosh, you know, I don't. I think the only thing that doesn't change, or that does change with that conversation, is with adults. You maybe don't have to go and tell your mom, right? You can, and if mom's a safe place, that's great, but that you should if it, if it is something that you don't feel comfortable with and it's not egregious, yeah, please don't touch me or don't post that on social media. I don't want to hug. I'm not a hugger. Whatever it is, you get to say no and keep doing that. It's good to do that. But if it's something that is a problem and that kind of goes into the essay area, then, who are your safe adults that you can talk to, who are the people in your life and and we're talking adults right now, but so other safe adults who are the people in your life that you do feel comfortable going to and letting them know, because that stuff you should never have to keep to yourself, let somebody else bear that burden with you
• 22:02
  Unknown: absolutely and so there's another piece to this, where we see language kind of shifting, because you used to hear a lot about like, good touches versus bad touch, right?
• 22:15
  Unknown: But we've seen that this is not very helpful anymore, because the reality is even a touch that we would call bad, like an inappropriate touch, would possibly produce some kind of physical sensation that kids would sit with bad. So how do you how do you keep that in mind when you're having these conversations? How do you shift that language?
• 22:39
  Stephanie Olson: Yes, I think that that's it's so good that we're talking about this, because good touch, bad touch is subjective, right? A hug could be bad touch to somebody, and that's okay, that's a good thing, right? And or it's not a good thing, it's not a bad it's a neutral thing, but it's not a bad thing. Yeah, at the same time, we do know that our bodies respond to touch in a physiological way that's normal.
• 23:07
  Stephanie Olson: That's a positive thing that's not in control. It's nothing we can control. And so I think that that has been very confusing for people who have been essayed, particularly people, young people who have never experienced that before, or this is a new sensation, or whatever that it it may absolutely feel good, so to speak, but that doesn't make it appropriate, and it's so I and I've actually heard this from people who are perpetrators, and their their rationale is, well, they liked it because They responded that does not mean anything, and shame on you, right? So I think that we need to be really well.
• 24:09
  Stephanie Olson: And again, this, this comes to just saying what it is, being honest, being open, communicating in a way that is clear. And so if, if you're talking about some sort of essay from somebody else, you want to be really clear what that is and what that might look like. And I think there's nothing wrong with teaching kids your body does react to things, because it's your body, it it's reactive at times. And so, yeah, what are your thoughts?
• 24:46
  Unknown: Yeah, I I like what you're saying. I think it's that is probably the most uncomfortable piece of this. And so because of that, I think it's, it's a lot easier to ignore, right? Yeah. We don't want to go there. But for someone, especially someone who's young, who may experience abuse, if you haven't talked about it, there's shame that comes with that. Yeah, you know, you've heard survivors talk about you know, I didn't want to tell anyone, because my body right? That means I was okay with it. It doesn't, yeah. And so I like the idea of, you know, helping them understand that your body might respond, but that doesn't mean that you're okay with it, and it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong, right? Absolutely. And I think just as we're talking it makes me think of, I'm very big on object lessons. I love a good object lesson. It makes me think of ice, like in a good way, that I might teach this to my kids, and I'm literally brainstorming this as we're talking. I love this, yeah, um, putting a piece of ice on your skin, like your body will react to that. If you hold it there long, if it will go numb, yeah, control that. You did not make your skin go numb.
• 25:59
  Unknown: It's the ice doing that, right?
• 26:02
  Unknown: Does that mean that you even like that sensation? It is something happens. And so I think it might be a way I explain it to them when they're a little bit good, I like that.
• 26:11
  Stephanie Olson: That's really good, yeah. And then maybe tell them, don't hold ice on there and don't do that.
• 26:20
  Unknown: Like I said, brainstorming in real time.
• 26:25
  Stephanie Olson: No, that is great. Yeah, no, I think that's a really good piece of advice on that. And I was thinking of something else. Hold on just second that made me think maybe I'll come to it. So what other boundaries with youth do you think are important to put into place?
• 26:50
  Unknown: Well, something I always tell my kids, and honestly, any kid that will listen, I just I think this should be public. Public Knowledge is that we don't keep
• 27:00
  Stephanie Olson: secrets. Okay, this is a good one. I want to talk about this a little bit.
• 27:05
  Unknown: Yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter what it's about, whether it's about your body, whether it's about, you know, a gift, whatever, we do not keep secrets. And so if anyone tells you to keep a secret, you come and tell me immediately. And so far they have, which is great, there's still so little. I hope it continues that way. But literally, the other day, my daughter had said, someone asked me if I wanted a sucker, and they said, to keep it a secret from you, but I won't. And I'm like, good job. You can have one interesting because she knows.
• 27:36
  Unknown: And like, you tell me all the time, yeah, and I think probably a broken record. I feel like I say that more than anything else. You just, you tell me, yeah. I think sometimes you know that this can be our little secret, and that is a way that women can start too. It can start with, will you keep my secret about this innocuous thing?
• 27:56
  Stephanie Olson: Yes, exactly.
• 27:56
  Stephanie Olson: Okay, so here's my challenge that I hear all the time. I just I want to hear your thoughts on this. So I had a grandma who was throwing a surprise party for her son told her grandkids about it, which I wouldn't have done that I learned the very hard way not to tell kids about presents and things like that, because they will Blab. So just Yeah, keep it to yourself. But so she told her grandkids, and then said, Don't Tell dad. This is a secret talk about
• 28:34
  Unknown: that. I would hope that they would go tell their dad. I mean, the words could trigger that response of like, oh, you told me a secret. I'm gonna tell it Yes. In that, I tell my kids that there's a difference between Secrets and Surprises.
• 28:47
  Unknown: Okay, yep, surprises you can share with some people,
• 28:52
  Stephanie Olson: and you can share with everyone at a certain time. So like the surprise party, you can't tell dad, but you can tell mom, and it always everybody finds out in the end.
• 29:05
  Stephanie Olson: So it's not a it's not a secret that stays a secret. It's not our little secret. It's something that everybody finds out. Yeah, right.
• 29:15
  Unknown: So, yeah, surprise party, you can tell mom or whoever else, and then on the day of the party, dad will know too, it will be public, right?
• 29:21
  Unknown: And I never get in trouble. If you accidentally tell a surprise, you don't get in trouble, right? No consequence,
• 29:31
  Stephanie Olson: yes, yes, yeah, that's good. I same things the difference between a surprise and a secret. And really, that's kind of the only time I can think of where you would be telling somebody, don't tell so and so appropriately, you know a kiddo that you would be saying that would be a surprise party or present of some sort. So you do have to be really careful.
• 29:59
  Stephanie Olson: And I. Think that goes back to appropriate verbiage. The word secret has a whole different connotation to it. Yeah, that's a that's good
• 30:10
  Unknown: and kind of with that.
• 30:10
  Unknown: If there's ever a situation where someone tells you, you know, if you tell I will do X, Y, Z, that's an immediate red flag too. You need to tell me right away, and you're not going to get in trouble for that.
• 30:22
  Unknown: Yeah. For that. Yeah, and I've tried to, you know, one of my one of my kids, actually asked me the other day when we were kind of going through some of this stuff again. Um, well, what happens if they want to hurt you? Which I said, Look at my muscles, which are actually consistent, but handle it. They have
• 30:42
  Stephanie Olson: to get through me first. Yeah, that's good,
• 30:48
  Unknown: though, yeah. I mean, there's, there is no consequence. You will never be in trouble for telling me the truth, and I try to live that out in other things too, like you do something wrong, you tell me the truth. You're not in trouble for telling me. We're still going to have to right the wrong, whatever it is, but you're it's automatically less if you just tell me the truth, because I want to get across how important that is.
• 31:09
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah. Okay, so how do you then respond to the well, what if they say they're going to hurt you? Because you really do have to respond to that at some point. Right? And likelihood and here's, here's the hard thing, because the likelihood is the majority of people who say that will not follow through with that. And so we can legitimately say that the chances of that happening are not high. You don't ever want to make a promise like that will never happen. You You don't want to indicate that. I mean, you can never say never. But I think to really highlight that, that that probably won't happen. And most people who say that won't, won't actually do anything. It's just a scare tactic. Yeah.
• 32:03
  Unknown: And I think commuting, communicating that to our kids is fine. You know, this is a way that sometimes people who want to do harm will try to scare you into Not telling. But you need to tell anyways. And same thing if they threaten to hurt you. I mean, you need, you need to tell anyways, because that's the only way we can get out of the situation.
• 32:22
  Stephanie Olson: I used to tell my kids, all rules get broken, like so, for example, if somebody I mean, we know, even though most trafficked individuals are not kidnapped, we know that kidnapping does happen, right? And so I used to tell my kids, if anybody ever picks you up, that is not supposed to. There are no more rules on the table. If you're in a store, you can kick TVs off, you can break things, you can yell, you can shout, you can scream, whatever. There are no rules, and I think that's an important thing to really communicate, because our kids are taught, you know, don't yell, whatever you do, don't break something, don't touch that. But once you're in survival mode, all of those rules are off the table.
• 33:18
  Unknown: I really, I really, really like that, yeah, because I've told my kids, you know, if someone were ever to try to take you or keep you away from mom, you hurt them. But I didn't even think about, you know, not things off shelves draw attention to yourself. So I'm gonna have to add that entire conversation.
• 33:34
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah, yeah. I think that's really important.
• 33:37
  Stephanie Olson: Unfortunately, no one ever had to use something like that, but it is good for them to know that. Okay, so here's a boundary I would love to talk to you about. And this actually happened to my adult daughter at work, and it was like a, you know, a fast food restaurant or whatever. And she worked with, or works with a lot of men, and they called her babe, honey or whatever. And so I asked her, what, what she said? And she, I think she rolled her eyes into anyway. I don't know. I can't remember if I know. In my head, she didn't handle it the way I would want her to handle it. I can tell you that. And so I said, you know, if somebody calls you a name, I mean, regardless of what the name is.
• 34:39
  Stephanie Olson: I'm not talking about like a necessarily like a mean name, but if somebody calls you a name that you're not comfortable with, I don't even care. Like i i personally go by Stephanie.
• 34:52
  Stephanie Olson: There are some people who call me stuff and I. Actually okay with certain people, if I've had relationships with them for a long time. My husband always called me Steph, and so all of his friends called me Steph. And so there's certain people I have, some people in in as colleagues, who I've been colleagues with for a long time, who call me Steph, but I personally don't love the name Steph, and so when I'm on the phone with a salesperson, for example, and they're like, hey, Steph, how are you I always say my name is Stephanie, because you've not earned the right to call me. Steph, yes. And I think that's very like, you see, my name is Stephanie. I think it's very I don't know what's the word like. It's quite an assumption to call me by a nickname, in my opinion, if you've never met me in my entire life. So that is like a non extreme form of that and and and to be okay with. Actually, my name is Stephanie, or if somebody mispronounces your name, or whatever. But if, if some guy is calling me babe or honey or sweetie, I'm immediately gonna respond. My name is not Sweetie, it's Stephanie. And then if they continue that, you're no longer in my presence, right? I mean, there's nothing I'm not gonna and if that's my boss, for example, Even so, I mean, it wasn't her boss, but, I mean, even so, I would take care of that, right? So, but yeah, talk about that a little bit.
• 36:39
  Unknown: Well, I think there's a few different ways you can approach it. So, you know, I mean, everyone has different comfort levels, but if it's something that you're not comfortable with, I mean, your your direct approach, that's great. Yeah, I sometimes struggle being direct. Like, if it's about my kids,
• 36:55
  Stephanie Olson: yes, you have no problem, right?
• 36:59
  Unknown: I struggle with that interesting to say something more like, Oh, that's really weird. You would call me that and then just continue whatever I'm doing. Or that's funny. I don't know that your wife would like
• 37:10
  Stephanie Olson: that. Yeah, that's good. I don't think so.
• 37:16
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah, yeah, you can absolutely.
• 37:16
  Stephanie Olson: I mean, obviously this is no longer I mean youth, obviously, if you're six, you're not going to say, but also teaching littles to be able to say my name is, or I like to be called to scan, that is, it is a very good thing. And then to be to be confident in that. And, yeah, I've, I've, I've accidentally called people. Oh my gosh, I know what it was. This is, this is funny. I met a woman and we had a coffee. So I'm it was like I met her at a networking thing, and we were talking, and I kept calling her the wrong name the whole time we were we were talking, and finally I knew the owner of the restaurant, and she came over, and I said, this is the owner of the restaurant. And the woman introduced herself with her real name with a real name. And I said, Oh my gosh. I so I actually said, Oh my gosh.
• 38:24
  Stephanie Olson: I've been calling you such and such this entire time. Why didn't you tell me what you
• 38:38
  Unknown: she committed she's like, that's my name. Now, okay,
• 38:40
  Stephanie Olson: I know. Well, so that's what, yeah. I was like, well, now your name is this. You know, Jesus actually changed a lot of names. He would go around. Your name is no longer solid as Paul. It's no longer Yeah, so that is, that is what I decided to do with her.
• 38:56
  Stephanie Olson: But yeah, I was like, Why didn't you tell me that wasn't your name? If somebody calls me Susan over and over again, I'm going to say something. My mom does that because her sister's name is Susan, and my name is Stephanie, and so she calls me Sue all the time. And I'll be like, yeah, Stephanie, but that's a mom. Moms get your name wrong, and that's okay. Oh, yeah, that was important to
• 39:23
  Unknown: see a world where kids are taught that, that it's okay to yourself, and as adults, they're not uncomfortable about it. They just respectfully, and that's the keyword, too, respectfully, yeah, to be rude.
• 39:36
  Stephanie Olson: It's it absolutely you can say everything very respectfully.
• 39:39
  Stephanie Olson: And you I think the bottom line is people don't want to embarrass somebody or make them feel bad, but I was absolutely more embarrassed when I found out I had been calling her the wrong name for the last hour. So I think that is. Just because at some point you have to tell somebody, right?
• 40:03
  Unknown: You were gonna find out eventually, right?
• 40:07
  Stephanie Olson: Maybe, I guess, or I just call her that name for the rest of Yeah, I just, I think that is a really important piece that we do feel comfortable saying, No, that's actually not what I like to be called. I like to be called this.
• 40:23
  Unknown: So I was just talking to a child, a kindergarten age child in our family, and the child was telling me that their teacher
• 40:35
  Stephanie Olson: was a yeller.
• 40:35
  Stephanie Olson: Oh,
• 40:38
  Unknown: I'm like, Oh, that's really unfortunate. And so this child, I'm trying not to identify so hard, but saying, you know, my teacher yelled at me, and it hurt my feelings, and I don't want to ask anymore to go to the bathroom.
• 40:51
  Stephanie Olson: Oh, sad, really
• 40:53
  Unknown: sensitive little one.
• 40:53
  Unknown: And so what I said to this child is, it's okay. What you need to do next time is say, hey, Yes, Ma'am, can you please talk to me nicer? And that is totally okay.
• 41:06
  Unknown: And if you get in trouble for that, you call me
• 41:10
  Stephanie Olson: yes for that, yes. So that's what I try
• 41:14
  Unknown: to teach, even my kids.
• 41:14
  Unknown: You know, that's good. I'm gonna listen to what you're saying.
• 41:18
  Stephanie Olson: Also, please be nice. Don't like Right, right?
• 41:27
  Unknown: Yeah, no, that's no matter what age you are, you should be able to say that, please talk nicer to me.
• 41:31
  Stephanie Olson: I think that's very important. Yeah, wow.
• 41:35
  Stephanie Olson: That's good. I love it. Well, anything else on boundaries or, I mean, we could talk about boundaries for ever, ever, because boundaries just are this and I and what I've noticed is that when people are in abusive situations, boundaries are much harder, and so it is really helping with those boundaries early on, so that if an unhealthy situation arises, or a relationship that's not appropriate, or a relationship that is appropriate, but then all of A sudden turns abusive, and now it's not anymore that you recognize that right away, so that when if somebody crosses that boundary, you are really comfortable saying, Hey, you just crossed my boundary. Don't do that again. They do that again. Now we're done and and so I do think that's one of the things. People who do harm really count on the fact that you're not going to be strong enough to set a boundary and then ask somebody to follow through with that. And I think if we can teach that at a very young age, our kids will be much safer. It'll help them for life.
• 42:57
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah, for sure. Well, this was good. I like this. It started out really hard. Hopefully we went a little lighter. We got lighter as we went,
• 43:10
  Unknown: well, good stuff.
• 43:10
  Unknown: Revisit this later and go into more even as adults.
• 43:16
  Stephanie Olson: I love boundaries. Yeah, it's a good conversation. So I agree. Let's, let's talk about boundaries again as adults, and what those can look like and why they're so important. And, yeah, that sounds good. Awesome, yeah.
• 43:33
  Stephanie Olson: Well, thank you. All right.
• 43:33
  Stephanie Olson: Well, we appreciate your time, and we will see you next time get some R and R, bye. You.