Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / Bachelor Nation’s Courtney Robertson Is In The Middle Of Divorce Hell!

Transcript

Bachelor Nation’s Courtney Robertson Is In The Middle Of Divorce Hell! · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Hey, I do Part two. It's Deanna Pappas jumping in
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: to take over this episode. You might remember me from
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: my time as a bachelorette, but like all of you listeners,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: I'm now divorced and it's in my chapter two. Today
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I get to talk with one of my favorite Bachelor
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Nation alums and my friends. I'm sitting here with Courtney.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: You may know her from Ben Flannex season. She's the
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: host of the podcast After Reality and the New York
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Times best selling author of I Didn't come here to
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: make friends. She's in the eye of the storm right
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: now and it's my girl, Courtney Robertson and my good
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: buddy Bob.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Two of my favorite So guys, thanks for being here.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: I just said before we hit record the thanks for
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: handling me with care because I'm a little Fregi.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Le fredgi li Yes, and I am.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: So excited to pick your brains. You know this wasn't
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: on my Bingo card this year, but it just had
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: to happen. You know, I had to file for divorce
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: my birthday was I turned forty three. Dianna, you and
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: I go way, way way back, and you have been
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: kind of coaching me through this for a lot longer
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: than people probably know.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think that's a nice thing. Is like, well,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: it's not nice. I won't it's not nice.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Divorce is one of the hardest things that I've ever
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: had to walk through, and I did it a little
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: bit before you, And I think that's the gift, is
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: like we get to share our story. I have made
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: it to the other side. And right now, after eight
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: years of marriage, I think it's safe to say that
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: you're you're really in the thick of it.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's thick.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: Everybody keeps asking me. And it's been so nice to
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: be here and be in nature, but everyone keeps asking
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: me like how are you doing? And you know, I'm
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: sure you went through that too, right, And I also
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: have shared it so publicly, and yeah, that's that's.
• 2:01
  Speaker 4: A big part of it.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: I mean, you know, the the unfortunate part about where
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: you're at in your life. I mean, you know, I
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: mean when I got divorced, I had the misfortune of
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: it being in the height of a lot of my stuff.
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: It was like us weekly with a rip down the middle,
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: you know, and that kind of thing.
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: And yeah, I.
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: Mean, not to make not to make light of it. Yeah,
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: but I mean I said it before. I said it
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: to you earlier and I met at Courtney. Divorce sucks,
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: even if you want it, even if you're the person
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: who files for it, right if you're the person getting
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: asking for the divorce, the person being told you're getting divorced,
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: no matter what, it's a absolute shell.
• 2:33
  Speaker 4: It is.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: It just is.
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: There's no other word for it. And it hurts.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there is no person.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: And you saw me crying earlier today. So if I
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: look puffy, I just had a moment. You're going to
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: have a lot of ways of just like you know,
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: I'm being away from my kids and traveling, and I
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: also deal. I have an amazing life coach, and I
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: have I'm already in therapy and stuff that's great.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: Those are some things that I really wanted to ask
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: you because I survived well, I survived divorce on vodka,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: which was really bad for everyone involved. I don't do
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: the hard stuff really, I wouldn't well get to I
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: wouldn't suggest it.
• 3:06
  Speaker 5: I've been hanging from the chandelier.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well I didn't have one. But I also had
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: a really great therapist. I had a really great therapist
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: and I have a long list of books in my
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: in my note section of my phone that I read
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: because there was so much of the trauma and grief
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: that I was experiencing. I didn't understand it. And one
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: of my favorite books is The Body Keeps the Score
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: because I didn't understand why things were happening to my body.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I was losing my hair even though I wasn't eating,
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I wasn't sleeping. The lack of sleep will really drive
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: a person absolutely insane.
• 3:41
  Speaker 5: It's a real form of torture. Sleep torture.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: I drove, drove, I flew here yesterday and it was
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: a travel day and it was I was I didn't
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: sleep while I haven't been sleeping, while it was a
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: it was a rough day.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: There was something during that period of time that I
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: had to get used to offering myself grace. And I
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: am not very good at that. I am a machine.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: I get up, I serve everyone around me. I have children,
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: I take care of stuff, I pay bills. I'm a machine.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: But during that period of my of my life, I
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: had to offer myself the capacity to break down. And
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: I think that's what I would love to see you
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: do for yourself because you're a busy body too, But
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: I napped every single day. And like I sound like
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: a like a toddler who needs to be put down,
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: but I genuinely had to do that for myself because
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I was exhausted most days, emotionally, ir emotionally, it's told
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: on me physically. I had to lay down because I
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: tabs open in your brain. That's the best way to
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: describe it.
• 4:36
  Speaker 5: For me.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: It's like this that, And you know, since filing, I
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: don't know, I really appreciate your advice and hearing that
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: and hearing that because what I'm going through is with
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: infidelity and different parenting styles, and I would say divorce,
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: Like so far, it's only I'm on it's early days.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: I've been thinking about this for a year, two years,
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: so I know it may have seemed sudden to some people.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but what you were.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: Saying, like when I did the Bachelor Mansion takeover, I
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: look at the video and like, I had so much stress.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: I'm forty three now. My face was puffy. I the
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: cortisol levels and that was stressful.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: I know you did that, but as a viewer watching it,
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: you didn't look that way. And I'm wondering if during
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: that period of time was he supportive? Did he support
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: you going on the show? He was supportive.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: He took care of the kids, but no support like
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: not a good morning text, knock him dead, anything like that.
• 5:33
  Speaker 5: And that's been a part of this too. And he
• 5:36
  Speaker 5: wanted me to do it.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: It was a money making opportunity. It was a great
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: experience for me. But you know, obviously I touched on
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: infidelity and I've talked about it pretty openly, but he's
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: on my cell phone plan and it was like four
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: or five days into filming, and I shouldn't have done it.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: And I looked at my phone plan and one of
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: the girls because there's many I was texting late at
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: night once the kids went down, and it just chattered me.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I think there's a fine line. And again
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: I didn't experience that that I know of in my marriage.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: And that's a whole other level, Bob, of betrayal, like
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: take a trick.
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: No, no, no, I'm just listening.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Betrayal what you are experiencing, Like I can get with
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: you on the divorce part. I understand that trauma, but
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: what you are experiencing is a whole other level of
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: betrayal and another thing that that you have to kind
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: of really pick apart and heal from and really put
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: some work into because hopefully right you will find someone later,
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: you will find somebody really great who will love you
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: ready for that level of betrayal.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: My mind process when I was going through it was Okay,
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: I need to work on me.
• 6:49
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't need to find someone to play a gap.
• 6:51
  Speaker 4: It's not about finding someone.
• 6:55
  Speaker 5: Who I found. My kids are the greatest love.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: Of course, my highest priority is I already is keeping
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: them safe and uh, like you know, and I know
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: you've dealt with this, Like the hardest part has been
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: co parenting, and I'm learning that on the fly. Nobody
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: writes a manual for divorce. I'm sorry, but maybe that's.
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: What we do.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's what we're doing.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: Well, I just for me, Like I'm also publicly talking
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: about it because it's the worst thing I've ever gone through,
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: and apart from losing my mom and it's death, it's grief.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: It's you saw me earlier and just seeing you, Bob
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: and Dianna, You're a both breath of fresh air to
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: me in this beautiful place. It's been very healing, but Also,
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: I have anxiety because I know what I'm going to
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: go home to and it's stressful.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: There's a level too, I think people forget, like you
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: know when you and it doesn't have to be a
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: public divorce, it's it is any type of divorce.
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: There's a level of embarrassment.
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: I mean, let's just talk about it, right, Like I
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: remember that I don't know what I was hurt by
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: more when I when I was going through my divorce
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: was the feeling of disappointment in myself right because I'm like,
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: how did I let this fail?
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: Like where you know, where did I go wrong?
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: What did I do wrong? And you and you and
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I said this, I'm not good enough?
• 8:25
  Speaker 4: Why am I not good enough? Like you? You know,
• 8:27
  Speaker 4: I wasn't blaming anyone else. It was I was. I
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: was I was.
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: Instead, I was like beating myself up, and I think
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: we all do that, right and.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Goes into marriage and says, well, I can't wait to
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: get divorced when this doesn't work out. No one does that,
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: thinking this is the rest of my life. It is
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: grief on many levels.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: And I still have days where like this morning, I
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: was really sad because I haven't done something like this
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: in a while and was my best friend. Yeah, and
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: like I don't have that support from him anymore.
• 9:03
  Speaker 5: Sorry, No, that's okay.
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: This is what we're here for.
• 9:07
  Speaker 5: I wanted to quote.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: I want to say, but like, it's also really scary
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: to talk about and publicly. And I'm sorry, I'm not
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: a martyr, but.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: You have to cry. You have to let the old
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: feel out, to let the fresh water in.
• 9:23
  Speaker 5: Oh, I'm going to get in that lake.
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: At some point, I.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Did not I heard it. That is not my quote,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: but I have thought about it because I had a
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: really hard time crying. And I'm so with you on
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: the embarrassment and all of those things. And what I
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: have said to Courtney many times is that I admire
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: her ability to use her voice and to speak because
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: I did it behind closed doors and it almost killed me.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I was so embarrassed. I was so scared to tell
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: people that my marriage was failing. It's like I created
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: this picture of this perfect husband and this perfect family,
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: and I did it so well that he' in My
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: family members, the closest people to me were shocked when
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: we got divorced. And then I didn't know how to cope,
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: and I did it by myself, and I wouldn't. I
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: wouldn't suggest that for anyone. It almost killed me. It
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: almost killed me. I lost myself in that. I lost
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: my personality, I lost my will. Honestly, if I didn't
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: have children, yeah, if I didn't have children, I'm not
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: sure I would have gotten out of the bed every
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: single day.
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: Well, so you just said you you're losing your hair.
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: You said the same thing I did.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. I really suggest you read some
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: of these self help books.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: I'm not a self help girl. And she's got amazing hair.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: She sent me like this long list of things.
• 10:35
  Speaker 5: But it's the damn.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: Your body holds onto these things and you process trauma.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: That's why the book is called The Body Keeps the Score.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Because your body holds this stuff in certain places. Your
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: anxiety will live in your chest and stomach.
• 10:50
  Speaker 5: Said like, I do light work, which don't put that.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I'm cuckoo kazoo too, and I love it.
• 10:56
  Speaker 5: Like it's bad?
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: Is it bad?
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: Like the other night I just watched True Time as
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: I fell as because I know you like your True Crime.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: I was like, let me crack a case, like, let
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: me distract myself but the hardest part for me has
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: been waking up every morning. That's why I had such
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: a tough morning because it's like, this isn't like this
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: level of betrayal. It's not like he got drunk at
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: a Christmas party and hooked up with one person. It's
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: it's been the whole time. And I've been with him
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: for close to eight years. And Bob, I think you
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: could speak to meeting him. Actually was wearing this stress
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: when I went to bed and Ashley I's baby shower.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Last I heard of Ben I was at and you
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: and him text about sports.
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's I had today.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: I was questioning myself, like I thought, like, if it
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: was just one affair, I probably could have got over it.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: I think the place that you're in right now is
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: that it feels like Groundhog Day every single day.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I wake up to a nightmare of like,
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, this is I filed for divorce, which
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: I am bleeding money on attorneys fees. I did secure
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: my own place because the hardest part is he has
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: a He's not willing to leave the house. So it's
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: just I wish who was I said, we can do
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: this the easy way, or we can do it the
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: hard way, and unfortunately he's an attorney and it has
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: been hard every step of the way.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: If I can say anything, I know you didn't have
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: kids when you got divorced.
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: It's a totally different world.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: It's a totally different way. I had children when I
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: got divorced. It took everything that I had most days
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: to put the children above myself and my needs to
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: not speak ill of their father, and I don't do
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: that right my children. What they deserve is to love
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: their mother and to love their father. Yes, and I
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: will stand on my ground that I still do that
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: to this day. That's what they deserve. Our marriage didn't
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: work out, our relationship didn't work out, and that sucks.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: But we have these two beautiful children that didn't ask
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: for any of this. I have three beautiful children that
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: didn't ask for any of this. What they need is
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: a whole mommy and a whole daddy. And they need
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: you to be healthy and they need you to be well.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: And you are given the opportunity now, and this is
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: what I did. So I'm only saying from my own experience,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: you are given the opportunity now to really take a
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: deep dive and get yourself back in alignment the path
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: that you are meant to be on, the woman that
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: God designed you to be, yes and to live holy
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: and fully in that you get the opportunity to do
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: that now instead of rushing on to anything else, any
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: other relationship. But also you need to be really weary
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: of that bitterness and that resentment and that anger, because
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: those are very much there.
• 13:29
  Speaker 5: You guys know, I'm a fighter.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: They are there, and I've had my weak.
• 13:32
  Speaker 5: Moments where he's provoking me, and I'm.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Like, one of the best lessons is the power and pause.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: That's the best lesson.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: My gosh, I needed that because last night we were
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: at dinner and my phone started blowing up and it
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: was something I can't really talk about right now because
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: I am going through a divorce. The law is also
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: very scary. Yes, and Bob we talked and you know,
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: you getting sued by whatever. I'm dealing with an attorney
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: and my phone started blowing up. So it was also narcissism,
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: like he tried to ruin my trip and it worked.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: You know, when you've been with somebody for so long.
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: You know how to push their buttons.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and he did that to me last night and
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: all day this morning, and I had to skip the
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: cruise because it's just.
• 14:17
  Speaker 5: Overwhelming.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I want to empower you a little bit. You get
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: to choose when to hop off the ride. It's blocked.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: I'm like, we can go through the parenting app, like
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: there's all these things that you have to learn, and
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: nobody tells you.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: I was going to ask you about that. So that's
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: probably the safest way to communicate, right.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: We use a parenting app. It was the best decision
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: that let's keep it.
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: With parenting app.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: So they have apps that judges will approve nowadays that
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: everything can be used in the court of law should
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: you need it. But it's also Monday. It's just as
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: a good like basis on one oh one, how to
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: be good co parents, how you should speak to each
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: other because judges will tell you you can't mouth each
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: other to your.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: Children like harassment at this point, and I don't know if.
• 15:05
  Speaker 5: I should keep that in here.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: The parenting app is on the phone with my attorney
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: this morning, and.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: It's use a parenting app. Use a parenting app. We
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: use one. It has been a game changer, you guys,
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: I would just we still use a parenting app To
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: this day, I would describe us as two years ago
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: very high conflict, and.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: I think we're not a conflict here.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: You have those heightened emotions right now. There's a lot
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: of emotions. You're angry, You're sad, You're bitter, you're you're devastated.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: It's a mix of emotions and they come in waves.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Ride every wave.
• 15:43
  Speaker 5: I better learn how to surf, Bob.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: We'll throw you a flotation device this way.
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: That's a flight attendant status coming out are you?
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: And honestly, just laughter has been the best medicine. Being
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: here with you guys, being around people, and like I'm
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: the hardest thing for me is I'm establishing like a
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: new sense of normal.
• 16:04
  Speaker 5: My kids are so resilient.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so's so resilient, and that's my highest priority. I'm
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: going to I gotta go get some presents for them
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: because I get to see them soon.
• 16:15
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: How are I mean, I hope it's not too personal
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: of a question. How are they handling the emotional toll
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: of of what you guys are going through right now?
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: I mean, obviously they know something's going on, and you
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: know to what level. You don't need to discuss but
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: I mean, how how do you keep their spirits up
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: during this time?
• 16:34
  Speaker 5: Popsicles?
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: But they have hard time because we switch off every
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: other weekend and my weekend was last weekend and the
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: first day back, and I don't know if you have
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: ever experienced this, I mean, you went through divorce without kids.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: The first day back is hard, all free, and my
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: kids are young. I've got a six year old to
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: four year old and a two year old, and they
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: all want me at the same time, and they think
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: I'm working when I'm away, which breaks my and I
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: am working.
• 17:01
  Speaker 5: But like my son.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: Joaquin, he's old enough to like express things and he's like,
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: did you make a lot of money? And I'm like, yeah, babe,
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: and I bought him a Nintendo Switch and yeah, so nope,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: but they're doing it. The babies having the hardest time.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: Gabriels too. But it takes a day. So I wanted
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: to say anybody listening going through divorce, the first day
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: back is the hardest because I'm used to having an
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: extra pair of hands, and they're so disregulated, you know,
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: and they all want me and they're like jumping on me,
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: and so it just takes a little while to kind
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: of calm him down, and then by the next day
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: I've been letting him sleep in the bed with me,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: all three of them.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: I will never ever second guess my decision to let
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: my children sleep with me. They won't be sixteen and
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: still doing it. I will never regret it. It is
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: one of my happiest moments to have both of my
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: children and my dog in my bed. My heart is
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: full and overflowing. One of the very few things that
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: Stephen and I did well was parents are children, and
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: we made a decision very early on to put our
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: children in therapy. Divorce is traumatic for everyone.
• 18:11
  Speaker 5: Of our life coaches getting me somebody good.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: And I have a life coach, well, she's actually a psychologist,
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: but she just filling insurance things. So I talked to
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: her for like an hour a day pretty much.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: And children is age under ten years old. What they
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: crave is a family unit. They crave a mommy and
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: a daddy in a home together. That's what they crave.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: It is proven. Studies are proving that we took the
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: advice of our children's therapists and when we sat our
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: children down and talked to them, we didn't lie, but
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: we said it in kids' terms, right, this is what
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: is happening, this is what this will look like. But
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: we also made some of it sound fun, because so
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: much of divorce is daunting and awful and painful. And
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: when children want their mommy and daddy, they can't go oh,
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: at six years old, I need to understand that mommy
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: and daddy are no longer together. What their heart says
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: is that they love mommy and they love daddy and
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: they want you at that moment, right then and there.
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: Right right.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: So we worked very hard with the kids to say,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: now you get two Christmases. Santa comes to two homes.
• 19:19
  Speaker 5: I'm just saying.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: They will never remember how much you spent on them
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: at Christmas. What they will remember is what you did
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: in your home. You decorated that tree together, the new
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: traditions that you will form.
• 19:31
  Speaker 5: I can't wait.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: It is also hard in the beginning. You have to
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: find space when your children leave to fill you up.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And some days that just looked like catching a nap
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: or cooking something yummy in my own kitchen by myself.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: But that also takes time to find yourself again. There
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: were many nights I cried on my children. I still
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: do it to be honest. When the kids leave, I
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: walk around the house and I look in their rooms,
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I miss Austin.
• 19:56
  Speaker 5: That's why I was saying morning, I was missing my kids.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: But it is easy. It gets easier. I then get
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: to find joy that they get to spend time with
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: their dad. And in those moments when I don't have
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: the kids, I do selfish things for myself, but I
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: don't do when I have the kids.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you got to have time for some self care too,
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: especially with what you're going through right now. I mean
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: to your to the honest point, it's like, you know,
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: I think looking in the mirror and taking a moment and.
• 20:24
  Speaker 5: I can't even look. I'm like, I look terrible.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: I've been crying yourself a little bit, give yourself seriously
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: in the beginning.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: And yeah, I'm just like a warrior. And I have
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: to be strong for my kids.
• 20:39
  Speaker 5: And I, like I.
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: Said, I got a new residence and now I have
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: to furnish it and I'm so excited to just have
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: them and parent them the way that I can. And
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: but like I said to him, when you know, he
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: admitted to the affairs and stuff, and I was like,
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: you have a daughter like he's going to be at
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: the graduation. He's I'm like, you're going to take pull
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: them into daughter father daughter dance. Our kids are someday
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: gonna know that this happened, and that breaks my heart.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: They might not, they might not. You get to make
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: a choice what to protect the kids from. They don't
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: have to know everything.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Why my podcast about it? He's actually begging me to
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: take the podcast out.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I're already.
• 21:19
  Speaker 5: Kind of out there.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: I just want to help people because this is uncharted
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: water and.
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: Us for you, for me, it's not on chary water.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: For do you have any male advice for me because
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: you've been through I don't.
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: Well I've been through divorce, but I didn't have children,
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: and I would say, there's you know, the one thing
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: about podcasting, and I mean I say this a lot,
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: and this is by no means disrespectful to what we do, right,
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: But I don't share everything podcast if I'm being honest,
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: there's a lot of things I keep to myself and
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: then I'm a but I think I think with children
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: at play and you know, maybe there's a way that
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: you can talk about what you're going through without throwing
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: their dad under a bus. And I hate to say
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: that because I mean, this could be bad. I don't
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: watch it right, You're right, right, But I feel like
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: there's going to come a time where that harmony is
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: going to have to be something that you guys cultivate together.
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I keep saying them, we just need to be civil. Yeah,
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: and right now what.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: You're going through, you also need to have realistic expectations.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Our expectations of others get us in trouble.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: Oh. I do not have great expectations. The bar is
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: very low right now. But I am a tough cookie, Deanna,
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: and so are you. And that's what's always attracted me
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: so much. I watched you go through it, and I
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: remember reaching out to you, and I just saw you
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: go through it publicly, very very publicly, and my heart
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: broke for you.
• 22:49
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's hard, had.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: Nothing to do with me, but I remember reaching out
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: to you and you were so thankful. And I have
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: such a great support system. But this level of betrayal is,
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: like I said to my dad, I'm like, how am
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: I going to ever trust somebody again?
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: My hope for you today is that you're sitting across
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: from two people who have made it to the other side.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: Bob is happily married with two children of his own.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean, I got to meet her.
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's so good.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: It is life on the other side. But to get
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: to the other side, Courtney, you have to go through it.
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah, go around it.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: There's no jumping over, there's no swimming under. You have
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: to go through it.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: That's I wish you the best because I know, and
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: it's not going to get easier anytime soon.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: Earlier, she's like, it's gonna be a couple of years.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: I'm like, somebody said to me, there's don't tell her
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: that she's fragile, and I was like, no, I don't
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: cut the ship. It is hard. It is hard.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, I'm looking forward to Halloween. Like I'm like,
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: let's wrap this up, Like I want to be healed
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: by Halloween. It's my favorite time of year. I'm gonna
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: make my chili, you know, And I well, you can still.
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: Have your favorite time of the year and you can
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: still have chili. But you're gonna watch a movie it's
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: gonna make you're gonna think about It's the truth.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: It is human nature to have instant gratification.
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: I told you how Canyon and I when we got together,
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: I told her all the worst things about me, right,
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: I really did.
• 24:12
  Speaker 4: I was like, super hown. I'm like, well, you're not
• 24:14
  Speaker 4: gonna like that I do this.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: You're not gonna like that I do that, right, But
• 24:16
  Speaker 3: I said, I was like, my ex wife and I
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: are still friendly and I like it that way.
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: And I said, and I said, it's not like we're
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: hanging out. We're not going to dinner.
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: I'm like, but I don't let people talk shit about her,
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: and I don't, you know, I don't need that, right
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: And we didn't have children, right, So it was one
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: of those things where I love that I handle it
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: that way. But what I found was Kenyon took my
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: lead on that. Like she she would never say anything bad.
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: It wasn't like I would be mad at her for it,
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: but she would never say anything bad about anyone I
• 24:44
  Speaker 3: was previously with or anything like that.
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: She didn't have to write.
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: It was like this, and I think that you can,
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: you know, you can really kind of control what you
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: put out there in your energy level. I mean, right
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: now you're going through a lot, right, but you're gonna
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: get to a point where you're gonna be like, Okay,
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: I want my I want my kids to know that
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: mommy and daddy doing the best we can do together.
• 25:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and we're still here for them. It is not
• 25:03
  Speaker 4: their fault, right, So.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: That's so it's important to say that to them and
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: to remind yourself today today I'm doing the best that
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: I can. Yeah, And I say that to my kids.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: That's all we can have a most daily today. Mommy's
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: doing the best that she can. Are you doing the
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: best that you can? And my kids will say yes,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, and that's all we can ask for.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: We're doing the best that we can. And today you're
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: doing the best that you can, Courtney. Yeah, you're doing
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: a good job.
• 25:28
  Speaker 4: You're doing a great job.
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: Hell you guys, all right, I'm gonna pay you guys
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: follow me around.
• 25:32
  Speaker 5: I want to come help with my three kids.
• 25:34
  Speaker 4: We got our phone numbers.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: Just give us a great with children.
• 25:37
  Speaker 4: Yes you are.
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: I watched Deanna cooking cauliflower pizza the other day. I
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: thought it was a pretty damn good video.
• 25:44
  Speaker 4: Not gonna lie.
• 25:45
  Speaker 5: Thank you so much.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: We love you, Courtney. Thanks for coming in. I've been Deanna.
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, i've been Bob, and thanks for I do part too,
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: Everybody