Latest / The Uncommons / When Love Feels Hard: Prioritizing Marriage in the Chaos | Ep4
Transcript
- speaker-0: At the center of each family, there's usually a couple that silently struggles with keeping their love and romance alive. speaker-1: And there's a good level of imperfection that we need to accept in a healthy relationship. mean, look what I have to endure all the time. speaker-0: If the relationship tanks, the business is going to suffer. If the relationship tanks, the kids suffer more than anybody else. speaker-1: my definition of love has changed. I realize that it's not that I'm not gonna have problems. It's how we deal with the problems. What definition do we give it? speaker-0: At the time when we were going through that and I was post-partum and I was depressed and all that stuff, the meaning I would give having sex was another obligation. speaker-1: I also have had interactions with Holocaust survivors. speaker-0: Are you comparing our life together? speaker-1: Holocaust and our library here. speaker-0: Hi everyone, welcome to the Uncomments podcast where we challenge the ordinary and explore what it really takes to build a fulfilling life. I'm Parisa. And today we're going to talk about the hidden challenges of having a romantic life and keeping love alive when you have a family and kids and when the initial fuzziness of love has kind of dropped down. speaker-1: I'm paid. Are you saying the fuzziness has dropped down? speaker-0: It's a hint. hint. speaker-1: I'm all fuzzy and you know your fuzziness is gone. Oh man I'm get really fuzzy again speaker-0: I was in... I to take some fuzzy pills or something. speaker-1: Okay. speaker-0: I feel like at the center of each family, there's usually a couple that silently struggles with keeping their love and romance alive while they're attending to their kids, they're working, they have all their daily life, especially when people are exhausted, when they have little kids. I don't think there's anybody more sleep deprived than parents with small children. and a puppy. Honestly, I would not be able to comprehend it if I didn't have kids when I didn't have kids. It's just the level of exhaustion is so extreme. So a lot of times people go in an empty tank. If one person is at 80 % and the other one is at maybe 10%, it's still manageable. But if both are on 2 % tank, then it becomes hard because speaker-1: I'm not a puppy. speaker-0: Life doesn't stop, business doesn't stop, other challenges don't stop just because you have little kids and you didn't get sleep so things won't calm down and you still have to manage. I feel like nobody talks about the silent accumulation of resentment and how it could cause disconnect in a course of a relationship little by little. I don't think families fall apart when there's good times and everybody's enjoying themselves. I think everything starts building up when there are challenges and people are struggling with their tanks being empty. speaker-1: I really think the chronic lack of sleep and constant pressure and always trying to do the right thing it takes a toll on you. I think that's why people that have kids age faster than people that don't have kids. But also there's a significant amount of gratification and love and connection and growth that ⁓ comes with that, with having a family, kids and so forth. ⁓ But I agree. could tell between us when I'm tired or you're tired or if we're both tired, it becomes much more challenging. But I hope our stuff is not falling apart. speaker-0: We'll see. By the end of this episode, we'll know if we go home or we'll go to a divorce court. That's it. speaker-1: while you're stuck with me for life. Why I'm not divorcing your ass. speaker-0: good thing. So the question is how can anybody, how can we keep love and romance alive while we have so many things that we have to take care of? We have to take care of kids, we have lack of sleep, have business challenges, we have maybe financial challenges, so many responsibilities and then on top of it then there is something else that's probably even more sacred. than anything and the whole family runs around it, which is the relationship between the parents, how can we keep that at the healthiest level? Because at the end of the day, even the happiness of the children, even the vitality of a business, all of it depends on how this whole thing operates. If the relationship tanks, the business is going to suffer because the mentality is not there. If the relationship tanks, the kids suffer more than anybody else. So I think that's probably the most denominating factor on the health of the whole family. speaker-1: a stable loving relationship. 100 % but also I think that how we look at a healthy relationship and it's important I believe to hold a relationship at a very very high standard but also realize that things don't always have to be perfect and there's a good level of imperfection that we need to accept in a healthy relationship. I mean speaker-0: in healthy way. speaker-1: Look what I have to endure. speaker-0: All the time. speaker-1: But I've learned that. I mean, I'm sure it's visible to you. I'm a very all or nothing kind of guy and everything has to be, we talked about perfection last time, just things have to be at a certain level. And I've noticed and I've realized that sometimes if I don't get to work out two or three days in a row, it would be an absolute disaster for me and I feel like my life is falling apart. I've realized that maybe there's times that I can't work out three or four days in a row. speaker-0: so I can sleep. speaker-1: So we can sleep or now that we have a puppy, we have to rearrange our schedule and my work schedule. Before I'm like, am not rearranging my schedule. To realize that some things have to change and the idea of perfection or the idea of how things need to be could be altered. It was a big step for me just in the past couple of weeks to realize that how could I feel productive if I start my days later. speaker-0: Well, we had to slow down a little bit last couple of weeks. We had a very dramatic accident. We had a very traumatic ski accident for our eight-year-old son. about two weeks ago, tomorrow it will be two weeks ago, not that I'm counting the days or anything, but it's been, it was horrific and it had a huge impact on all of us. So. speaker-1: traumatic. speaker-0: We had to slow down and I've seen you struggle with the slowing down of even sleeping a little more because we really needed it. So the question is, how can we choose love when it's not convenient? I mean, at the beginning of any relationship, it's very convenient to choose love. I mean, there's nothing else you would want to do. And then the reality of the life hits and reality of having kids. being sleep deprived, all the stuff that we talked about. So it becomes really easy to even withdraw silently without noticing little by little. And before a lot of couples know it, there is a gap, huge gap, that then filling it in is really hard rather than catching it when it's smaller. speaker-1: I think sometimes you don't even notice that the gap is there. And it just gets, the gap gets bigger and bigger and bigger. But ⁓ my number, at least from my point of view, I see it or I try to see it when things happen between you and I, especially when you're not sleeping. I know your ⁓ sweetness level kind of changes a little bit. speaker-0: That's speaker-1: And I just realized that. But also knowing that if you're not sleeping well what can I do to help you sleep better or give you one or two nights? Luckily we have a lot of help that allows us to do that. And also understanding that sometimes when I'm not rested I could be aggressive, my natural state comes out. ⁓ So, raw raw raw and ⁓ just to be to be forgiven and I think forgiving and forgiveness is huge. But on the other side, one of the things that you and I talked about a part of our Bible, we had a Bible that we wrote, if you remember. ⁓ and said these are the rules of what we and to be honest we should go back and look at that and then we used to look at it all the time. speaker-0: when we just started, when we just got engaged. Operating agreement for our relationship. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah. That was great. And now we have to update that. Now we have kids and a puppy. But I think the main component of the Bible was that no matter what, under no circumstances, we come first. I mean, not under all circumstances, but we need to come first. speaker-0: But it wasn't always easy to put us first. I mean, when we had, ⁓ when I gave birth for the first time to our daughter, and we already had our son from your previous relationship, and all of a sudden it was so unfamiliar to have a toddler and a newborn baby. It was probably one of the most challenging time of my life and probably yours maybe. But it was just brutal. mean, the idea of putting us first would not even occur to me at that moment because I was just trying to survive. went through really bad postpartum depression for the first year. I went to therapy for a whole year. It was hard. No one talks about these things. And I would even look in the mirror. And from here to here was barely familiar. And the rest was like, I'm like, who is this person in America? I couldn't even comprehend that that's me giving birth for the first time. was hard for me to even accept that my body would go back to what it was. And I do have a body image problem. So it totally destroyed me on top of it. Not sleeping. had a colic, silent reflux, whatever you want to call it, baby that didn't sleep for five and a half months. I didn't sleep. And I would just every night put her on the floor. She would cry, I would cry. I mean, it was brutal. And in that moment thinking about, let's put us first. I'm like, screw us. Like, I just need to survive and live. speaker-1: Yeah, was was survival for sure. ⁓ speaker-0: And I wanted to kill you on top of that, because you wouldn't, I didn't even know how to ask for help, because I thought I have to do it, because in my mind was that, well, he needs to go to work every day, so let him sleep. And I will be the one who's not sleeping and staying in the baby's room every night. But then in the back of my mind, I would present you for not offering to help. speaker-1: Yeah, well. speaker-0: I mean, think you changed diaper a couple of times. speaker-1: I've changed hundreds of diapers. speaker-0: I don't know who's not Arabian. I don't know who's Dibre. speaker-1: No, but I give it to you. mean, you took the brunt of it as far as ⁓ sleep and being up, but it was rough all around. I put on 25 pounds with our first baby. We both got pregnant and ⁓ you lost your weight. Mine never came out. was still waiting for some of it to come out. But ⁓ it wasn't easy. And even though speaker-0: pregnant with me. speaker-1: just from my point of view, from what I felt was that I wouldn't be actually up taking care of the baby, but I'm up and I was awake and the, you know, go to work exhausted and just all of it. So it was really difficult. It was survival. ⁓ you know, putting us first, we couldn't even put ourselves on a eating. regimen, let alone taking care of ourselves or each other. It was really challenging. But again, I think those are the challenges that once you overcome it and you've overcome the resentment or the going to work, you know, from a man's point of view is like, man, I'm just not who I am. I'm not productive. I'm not this speaker-0: Mm-hmm. Probably can't even think straight. speaker-1: I mean, I was brought up in an emergency room, trauma. I'm used to lack of sleep, but, ⁓ and I function fine for the most part, but I was older. A and B is just having all this other stresses that come making sure my wife is okay and my new baby is okay. And then I have another child with another woman and that relationship and our baby. speaker-0: us. speaker-1: was not a regular baby. I mean, she was like up all the time. Just like, like kind of horror movies, you know, like this baby's like, what the fuck is this baby doing, you know? And then our son wanted to have nothing to do with the baby. And that was like, we to be careful, like, you know, not leaving them together. It's just like, there's all these, all these things going on at the same time. speaker-0: that the baby exists. You wouldn't even look at her and if you touched the baby he was so mad at me for bringing this thing and if you touched the baby he would be on the floor screaming for an entire 12 months. speaker-1: Yeah, it was extremely challenging and then dealing with a postpartum woman and also another woman that I had a child with and that relationship wasn't kind of what it is now and was it you know in evolution and and ⁓ and then let alone I had this unbelievable amount of pressure for work. with this business that I was in with litigation and like financial disaster and just speaker-0: So how did you do it? Because it's always a good, I mean, for me, it was challenging, but I always think about it. I think about how much you took care of me in that process and how much you showed up for me. And that's what really did it for me to let go of my resentment and anger that built up during the process. Really like seeing you how you showed up when I needed you. without a lot of times without me asking or the way you would take care of me and the kids and even though you were tired, even though you had all the pressure from work and everything else, it really helped me a lot to let go. And I don't know how you did it, honestly. speaker-1: ⁓ I believe us as humans are extremely resilient. It's just the amount of pressure that comes upon you and you figure out solutions for it. I often think about the book, ⁓ Victor Franco, and how he as a psycho-psychiatrist, in the Holocaust in Auschwitz. talking about in his book, the psychological effects and what he saw people going through with that kind of pressure and how they went up and down and how they resolved and how they survived. And I also have had interactions with Holocaust survivors. speaker-0: Are you comparing our life together? speaker-1: mean, Holocaust and our life, mean, you know, but that's not what I mean. But the human resilience. speaker-0: I know that's what you meant. Don't, don't! speaker-1: No, it's not what I It's human resilience, right? But truly, my personal point of view, I mean, our personal life was actually, believe it or not, as difficult as it was, it was very, very sweet for me when I came from, you know, 20 lawyers trying to get our company down and trying to put me out of business. you know, from that, you know, ultra male, ⁓ fighter warrior coming back into a house that was typical, but love and connection and all the other stuff that it fulfilled for me. I think that made it easier for me to be able to feel love and connection and also just seeing you protect me and trying to. let me sleep knowing that all the stuff that's going on with our work and our business and our financial situation was, I loved you more and more and more and fell more in love with you. I love women. think women are unbelievably amazing. And I remember one of my companies that had like 120 employees and 112 of them were women. We're in the healthcare industry, but still I just have. great belief in women and now I'm seeing it firsthand on how you're dealing with all all the stuff that you did. So there's a significant amount of love and passion not different than our love and passion that where we started. Respect and believe, belief and solidifying the reasons why I chose you as a partner in life and how you propelled through that. For me, just give me, give me solid belief that, you know, it was hard for me to commit because I was never committed in my life and, and almost like reap the fruits of all that we've committed to. And I committed to what I'm not used to committing and I never wanted to commit. And they say, I'm going to commit and saying, This is what I get, this amazing woman with the ability to go through these circumstances and accept a child that I have from another woman as your own and have your own and deal with all the incongruencies that come along with that. I understood the meaning of love and understood the meaning of relationships. speaker-0: What would be that meaning? Because the meaning of love really changed for me along the process. I didn't know. I think I don't know if that's just for women. I don't know if that was just for me. But for me, it was whatever in romance movies, like the feeling of love, which, by the way, feelings can change really fast, you know. feeling of love can be replaced with feeling of anger super quick or with feeling of resentment or with feeling of jealousy. The feeling can switch back and forth a lot. I'm trying to teach my kids this now, but if we were supposed to operate our life just based on a feeling, mean, God knows what would come out of it. So it really changed a lot for me from feeling warm and fuzzy all the time. If we talk about different attachment styles, I had a really anxious attachment. So I needed and wanted that constant connection, constantly, not even an hour of break in it. And you're a tad bit avoidant. So it was a little challenging for me. And for you to have somebody who wants you all the time. But I think you're a mix of the two. So you will go back within the two styles. So it helps. But anyways, that's besides the point. My point was that the meaning of love changed a lot and evolved as I grew in our relationship. And there was a time, I never forget, I was pregnant and you went on a sailing trip in Hawaii and you almost died, one of 2,500 times that you've almost died. So you didn't have cellular connection. couldn't... talked to you, I FaceTimed you and you showed me how ⁓ the boat is going in the storm with like the 20 second that I could connect with you. You were showing me the boat going under the water and coming out and everybody puking. And then we lost connection. So I was freaking out obviously. Pregnancy didn't help. And luckily I had a friend staying with me and I was complaining to her for the next 12 hours that he doesn't care for me. He left me in this condition, I'm not feeling good, and then he shows me that this boat is going under the water, I'm freaking out. And the meaning that I had for that in my head was that he doesn't care for me, he doesn't love me. So I was translating that event into that, which probably had nothing to do with you, it's my own story and programming. But all of a sudden she turned around and she was like, why are you such a fucking victim? I was like, I'm pregnant, you can't talk to me like that. And she was like, no, you're just such a victim. Everybody in the whole world knows how much he loves you, how much he cares for you. And you're sitting here and telling me that he doesn't love you, he doesn't care for you, what are you talking about? And it shook me really hard. And I cried for like a couple of hours, but it really ripped apart this thing in my brain that I would connect everything into he doesn't love me. It really shifted that, thanks to her, but it was painful, but it kind of, from that point forward, I didn't really translate it, anything you did into, he doesn't love me. And I learned that I don't have to constantly feel the feeling of love and constantly feel connected to being in love and to cultivate love. Like love, you mentioned you didn't commit before. I know that your commitments are up to here and I think that's a huge thing because even if the feeling is not there, when the commitment is there to an action, when love becomes an action, then that's completely different. The reason I could show up when it was hard for me, when you were dealing with ⁓ our son's mom and all the back and forth. The reason I could show up when I had a baby and I would sleep in a separate room so you could sleep, it was me showing love through action. And you would match it with actions that at the time were different, but your intention of showing love was there. And I think love the action is what really can save the relationship rather than the feeling. speaker-1: I often tell myself, I'm like, man, this is different. This is so different. Because I too, you know, I've never had real serious relationships. I did, but it wasn't, know, and it was like, ⁓ love is gone, so this is over. Or love is, this person did this, so they don't love me, or I don't love them, or just had this love definition was that immediate... gratification of a feeling of love at the moment. And if a minute it wasn't there, there was a problem, right? And that being in love for me was being in this lala land, skipping on clouds all the time, And hence I was always in a relationship and I never had a relationship, I had many relationships at once, so I was always on the cloud of some sort, you know, I was. I was honest that I'm on a cloud or not very committed, but ⁓ that's what it felt to me. ⁓ I've never been so more committed in my life. And ⁓ I think you know that, it's obvious. And I have no thoughts or feelings of any shape or form that this isn't. speaker-0: Mm-hmm. speaker-1: love, in fact I think this is love, and just this transfer of the meaning of love into caring. deep, deep caring for someone. Deep, deep caring for someone who's so good to me, to my children, to the world, to her family, to my family, just like this, to me that's a definition of love. And essentially, my definition of love has changed. hence, nothing can break this bond that I've built internally, it's like everything that happens is like one more weave in this fabric. speaker-0: Usually the weaves come from hardship. speaker-1: Hardship, yeah, of course. time, like right now we're going through a hardship, a significant hardship. Like my son had this unbelievably horrific accident that had to be flown out and you were there at the beginning and I know it was very disturbing to you. I don't know if you've talked about this or not, but you lost your dad when you were 11 in a car accident, which you were in the car accident and you saw all this. ⁓ bloody scenes or whatever it is. that, I know it's done that and you're on the edge and at times I wanna kill you. ⁓ And I know I'm on edge because I, this beautiful boy and ⁓ I love all children and I just love children. And historically, even as an ER physician, speaker-0: bloody scene. speaker-1: when it came out to kids, it was like, I just couldn't tolerate it. I just couldn't do it. And having your kid's face split open ⁓ and jaw fractures and multiple surgeries and stuff like that is like heart-wrenching to me. And ⁓ we're going through that now. And ⁓ I know for him, most importantly, and for us, It's something that's gonna make us stronger and our bonds stronger. And one more thing that we have to identify in what life cycle of our relationship we are. I think all families go through these kind of events. speaker-0: Yeah, that's why I want to talk about it because I know a lot of people go through it, but nobody, at least in my circle of people or people that I talk to or even online watch, nobody talks about the details of how, I mean, we're not here just to talk about struggles and challenges, but it's as much as the happy parts that you see on social media are a part of real life. All this is a part of real life too that no one is willing to show. speaker-1: There's this great saying that the only people that have no problems are six feet on the ground. And the more problems you have, the more life you have. I realized that it's not that I'm not going to have problems. It's how we deal with the problems. What definition do we give it? And my decisions that come from the meanings that I have given to a situation makes me who I am as a human being, as a person, as a father, as a husband, as anybody, as an employer, as an employee, whatever it might be, right? Not all of these decisions are correct. We all make mistakes. I've made mistakes in this relationship. You've made this, in this relationship. speaker-0: Mm-hmm. speaker-1: Just a couple times that you've made very minor speaker-0: You are supposed to know by now that you're always wrong and I'm right. that's why we just showed up in front of camera to say that's why our relationship works. That's it. speaker-1: Yeah. Right. speaker-0: But I think one thing that you are mentioning is that it's a story that we build in our mind about what happens. But there is another big element, which is the focus. Because at any given time, I can focus on a bunch of stuff that's going on with us that might not be ideal for me. It might not be ideal in whatever definition I have of loving relationship. you know, and letting go of that focus and that like kind of illusion of how a relationship should be or could be and really focusing on all the good that you have in you and all the amazing stuff that we have in our relationship, which I think in a lot of relationships is there. But sometimes I see that people kind of drift towards the negativity of what's there. That's like a huge thing for us. I know that you always see the good in me and that has, I've learned that from you a lot. That even though my mind can go into what's wrong or what's missing, I always bring myself back to what is great. But it's been a practice, know, initially at a time when I speaker-1: Same. That's something missing. speaker-0: thought he doesn't love me, he doesn't care for me. And at a time when I had super anxious attachment, it also was there that my mind would go that, ⁓ my God, all this stuff that I thought love would feel like this. And now the feeling is kind of not there sometimes when I'm mad, when we are having our argument or whatever, but also. I would consciously bring my mind back into well look at this he's amazing at this look at how he's taking care of me in that look so I would Make a checklist in my mind of what's great? Consciously until it became second nature and now I don't go into negativity as much anymore My mind doesn't because if I let my mind I have a complaining mind like I can speaker-1: No, not my beautiful wife. speaker-0: I can see what's missing at all times and I'm looking for how to make things better constantly. So it's easy for my mind to find what's missing to solve it but I also have trained it to look the other way and see all the beautiful stuff that are going on. So that has helped a lot honestly. speaker-1: I think we must agree that focusing not on the imperfections, not that you have any, but like a messy house and stuff like that is just not a big deal anymore. speaker-0: It's not me, it's the kids. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: You're one of them in many cases. ⁓ speaker-1: we've lived together with and without the kids. Yeah. Yes. speaker-0: Yeah, we had no problem before the I mean, since we met, we had a kid, so I don't know it. speaker-1: Yeah. So anyhow, the idea of focus is a huge thing because what we focus on is our life. What I focus on, if I'm constantly focusing on, oh my God, this is not in the right place, that's not in the right place, that's not in the right place. It's just constantly in that turmoil. And I think you're saying the same thing, right? As opposed to focus like, you know, my wife is doing such an amazing job teaching this kid's life and the world and not being in school, not that school's a bad thing, but the ability to spend that much time and energy to raise this kid's brains, which is what's more important than that to me? Nothing. Right? So, ⁓ and this love comes from that. like, I got a woman that is training my kids. brains in this way, that's love to me. I I love you more because of that. And I don't love you more because I'm more attracted to you. I am more attracted to you because of that. It's the weirdest thing. So my concept of love, my attraction, my love, my connection, all that stuff is happening through these deeper and deeper ways. of how I focus on things. So that focus gives a different meaning. And different meaning is now the meaning that I make decisions on that how I love. And it's not a conscious decision. It's just like, it just kind of happens, right? Because I've focused on it so much and the meaning that I've given it. So focus, meaning, and... the decisions, these three things was a fourth speaker-0: There's a fourth one. Oxytocin. speaker-1: Please tell me Dr. Marisa, tell me. Tell me how this oxytocin works. speaker-0: something I honestly don't understand how couples don't literally kill each other. They don't have sex every day. I don't understand it. God created this hormone that can make you forgive a kid, a baby that poops in your face, on your face and pees in your mouth. I mean the boys do and speaker-1: I'm about to put my speaker-0: can keep you up all night and make no sense and cry. And God gave us this hormone that can make us love any situation that could be very unlovable at the moment. And if we don't take advantage of this hormone, it's hard to stand somebody. speaker-1: I don't know how You know, I promised our audience that I'm gonna be raw, right? ⁓ And, you know, I said one of the reasons that I wanted you as my wife, I knew down deep inside that there's a hookerish thing about you, and I'm right. But I think sex. speaker-0: and wait to hear what you think. ⁓ my god. Alright, we're cutting, we're cutting this. I'm not talking about it in a hookerish way. I'm talking about it in a very sacred and spiritual and energetic way. And a tad bit of hookerish on top. Cherry on top. speaker-1: So I think everybody knows that. have a great sex life for the most part and ⁓ I think that helps. It helps a lot. speaker-0: When we get under pressure and life gets a little challenging, I kind of feel that like oxytocin and the sexual energy is kind of a release. mean, it helps in bonding, it helps in taking the edge off, it helps in like releasing a lot of tension and energy. mean, I'm not... speaker-1: At least the way it works is like I want to kill you but I want to go inside of that thing, right? So you get close anyway, right? So I think it breaks a lot of these patterns, barriers, whatever it is. Yeah, so I think sex helps. speaker-0: patterns. It's a gift of God, the hormonal gift, which I think... speaker-1: I thank God my wife thinks like that. just, I just like, I think if I was going to rank things, you know. speaker-0: Don't write that. speaker-1: It will be like, TROPY TOP TOP ONE. speaker-0: We don't need ranking. I think what we do need is that if we don't have the oxytocin release in more than two days, I could kill you. I mean, I think it's very normal. It's very natural. So I just can't comprehend if some couples don't take advantage of that thing. I mean, I some people when they go through challenging times, they can't physically be open and they shut down. And I mean, I'm not a sex therapist. don't know about these things formally, but from experience, I kind of feel like that's a death sentence for a relationship. how can you, there is this like dose of happy loving hormones that can really remove problems right away. why not? speaker-1: I mean, there's been times like, I can't even get it up because I'm so like, you know, because I'm at you or whatever it is, you know? But I think that's also a focus kind of a thing, right? So if you can alter your mind, and I think for us, there's been times that there've been situations that are like, wanted to have nothing to do with you and go up to my little man cave and... speaker-0: It's not unavoidable. speaker-1: I mean avoid, yeah, avoid this, you know, but just kind of logically thinking about it and coming over it and then we end up having sex. I'm just, this is because of the sex discussion, right? And overcoming that little obstacle that says, no, I don't want to do it or I don't want you I don't want to have nothing to do with her. I don't want to get close to her. I just overcome that and get it there. It allows things to start rolling as opposed to being a dead stop. speaker-0: The reason I'm mentioning this stuff is that there was a time when we had our daughter and I wasn't sleeping and you were not sleeping as much either and there was a lot of pressure from the business. Everything kind of tanked, know? was horrible. speaker-1: It was a time that we couldn't have sex because you had to abstain. Yeah. speaker-0: Yeah. So it's hard to go through it and still be loving if love is just a feeling. So if there is a drug that can help that feeling a little bit, why not use it? I mean, that's how I, that's the meaning I give it. At the time when we were going through that and I was postpartum and I was depressed and all that stuff, the meaning I would give having sex was another obligation. Like I haven't slept. instead of like closing my eyes a little bit before 15 minutes that I have before the baby cries again, then there is another obligation that I have to fulfill. That was the meaning in my head. And I know that's the meaning for a lot of people, at least my friends. But once I shifted that meaning that, okay, there is a hormone that can help this and life can feel better and it takes the edge off. I won't have to kill you right on the spot. Why not take advantage of what nature gave us to help us? speaker-1: That's a great meaning. Meaning, focus, decision, right? So the meaning you gave it is good for us and you focus and the decision is that you get some VJJ. speaker-0: Cut all this. I'm going to have to edit this episode myself because I don't want to send it to the editor. All because of you. Can we cut the rawness of this thing a So? Yeah, of course. speaker-1: Are you are you are you gonna cut this? Listen, please do not cut this. I am speaker-0: I don't think you can put the word VJJ on a social media platform. YouTube is going to ban us. speaker-1: Whoa, what? Vijay has nothing to do with anything and you better not cut this out. I want this and everyone's, we're gonna be raw and this is gonna be exactly how it's gonna be. Please don't cut this out. speaker-0: publishing this. Thank you so much for listening. speaker-1: Absolutely not. So the question was at the beginning of this... And if you cut this, I'm not going to this again, right? Was how do we overcome challenges? How do we overcome issues that we have as couples, right? When times get tough and I think for, yeah, I mean, have more sex. Yeah. Yeah. But, but I think it really comes down to for us, what it works is meaning, focus and decision. Right. And speaker-0: sex? The conclusion. speaker-1: sex, Mejaiji is part of that decision, right? Which now kind of, could roll it back and see how this whole thing works with each other and the definition of love and the same thing, focus meaning decision, focus meaning decision, right? And I think for us, I mean, take it away from this, would be for us to be able to understand and start doing it even more. speaker-0: What? speaker-1: I focus meaning sex. mean, focus meaning decision. speaker-0: Do one more. Do. ⁓ speaker-1: change your focus and give it a different meaning and come up with a different decision. speaker-0: Better focus, gone. speaker-1: And I know that's all you can think about right now, but better not cut this out. speaker-0: Thank you. We appreciate you all listening to this nonsense and we had a great time. See you next time. speaker-1: Thank you for allowing us to be who we really are. And we did this podcast because I think we've gone through a lot of things that is allowed us to grow. And if you can contribute any of that to anybody else, that's the whole function of this podcast, right? speaker-0: Yeah, but we're not publishing this one because my husband publicly called me a hooker, so no, not doing. speaker-1: I am not doing this podcast anymore. speaker-0: Ciao!