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How to Talk Without Tearing Down with Scottie and Vicky Albious - 303 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

0:07
Daniel Moore: Let me ask you something.
0:09
Daniel Moore: Have you ever technically won an argument, but somehow still slept on the emotional couch?
0:14
Daniel Moore: You proved your point, facts were airtight, logic undefeated, and yet the connection was completely gone.
0:21
Daniel Moore: Or maybe you said something that was absolutely true, 100% accurate, but afterward you immediately wished you could grab those words mid-air like a bad text message and hit unsend.
0:31
Daniel Moore: Well today we're talking about one of the most powerful tools in marriage.
0:35
Daniel Moore: And no, it's not your finances, not your schedules, not even your love languages.
0:40
Daniel Moore: It's your mouth.
0:41
Daniel Moore: Because in marriage, words don't just communicate, they construct.
0:45
Daniel Moore: They either build a home or slowly burn one to the ground.
0:49
Daniel Moore: God isn't just concerned with whether we're right, He cares whether we're building.
0:54
Daniel Moore: So this week, we're learning how to speak truth without wounding, how to handle conflict without harming connection, and how your everyday conversations can actually become one of the greatest spiritual influences in your marriage.
1:06
Daniel Moore: And don't worry, we're not just preaching at you, we're standing in the same line with you.
1:12
Daniel Moore: Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
1:22
Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies.
1:25
Daniel Moore: We interview people that have a story.
1:27
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
1:28
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us this week.
1:29
Daniel Moore: Up here next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.
1:32
Daniel Moore: Hey, hey.
1:33
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us.
1:34
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1:38
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1:45
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1:52
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2:00
Daniel Moore: Well, this week we're going to be starting off something new.
2:04
Daniel Moore: Last week we finished up our extended series on marriage reset.
2:08
Daniel Moore: And uh as you can tell, my wife and I, we were still married, didn't get divorced going through that whole episode and that whole series.
2:16
Daniel Moore: So I guess we learned I guess we learned something.
2:18
Michelle Moore: And it was such a great series, too.
2:20
Michelle Moore: It was bad.
2:21
Daniel Moore: It was a really good series.
2:22
Daniel Moore: And you're hearing some extra chuckles in the background this week as well.
2:26
Daniel Moore: We've got some guests sitting here around the table with us.
2:29
Daniel Moore: Uh Scottie and Vicky Albius.
2:31
Daniel Moore: Hello there, back again.
2:33
Daniel Moore: They were here with us last year on a couple of episodes.
2:36
Daniel Moore: And uh this time they're gonna be here for a few weeks.
2:39
Daniel Moore: We're gonna talk about some marriage stuff.
2:41
Daniel Moore: Oh, yeah.
2:41
Daniel Moore: Believe it or not.
2:42
Daniel Moore: So this week we're going to be getting into it with our subject on how to talk without tearing down.
2:49
Daniel Moore: Well, welcome back to the episode for this week.
3:09
Daniel Moore: As I said there in the intro, we have Scottie and Vicky Albus with us.
3:13
Daniel Moore: Hello.
3:14
Daniel Moore: And the last time you guys were here, uh some things have changed since then.
3:18
Daniel Moore: Uh, you and I are leading marriage ministry at your church.
3:21
Daniel Moore: And so as we get started this week, why don't you just give us a little bit of an update on what you guys are doing right now?
3:29
Scottie Albious: Yeah, so first of all, thank you for having us.
3:31
Scottie Albious: Uh it's an honor to always be here with you guys.
3:34
Scottie Albious: Um, but uh the Lord's put on our heart for for months now, uh maybe even longer, for for about a year, I would say almost, babe, right?
3:41
Scottie Albious: Um uh to start marriage, just a marriage life group.
3:45
Scottie Albious: And uh, you know, we're we're we're getting ready to launch 180 marriage.
3:48
Scottie Albious: That's a uh extension off of our church, and uh we're pretty excited.
3:52
Scottie Albious: And uh we know that it's something needed.
3:54
Scottie Albious: Obviously, you guys do too.
3:55
Scottie Albious: You know it's something there's so many resources that we can glean off from, but um, there's a lot of things that in marriages we know that there's struggles, you know, even ourselves.
4:04
Scottie Albious: We're learning still today how to walk this thing called marriage and to do it God's way.
4:08
Scottie Albious: And we wanted to kind of highlight and not only teach, but also learn from other marriages and and just to to hear what God's got and his plan for each of our marriages, he wants to bless us.
4:19
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
4:19
Scottie Albious: The thing is, what are we doing to to honor God's word in marriage?
4:24
Vicky Albious: Yeah, and it was so cool because you know, we've prayed about it for quite some time and just kind of the timing of it, we were just waiting on the Lord, and um, when it kind of came right up to it, it was like, All right, God, is this your timing?
4:36
Vicky Albious: And so I just had went in my prayer closet and was praying, and God just spoke and was like, You just be my vessel and I'll I'll pour through you and lead through you.
4:46
Vicky Albious: And and um, and then he just put a scripture in my mind, and I went to that and it was just all about marriage and stuff.
4:52
Vicky Albious: So I was like, Oh, okay, I hear you, Lord, it's time.
4:55
Vicky Albious: So we're excited to do it.
4:57
Scottie Albious: So we're excited.
4:58
Scottie Albious: I think, you know, throughout all this, we definitely want God to be glorified, you know, in marriages, and we want to see other people um be blessed in marriage.
5:06
Scottie Albious: And you know, you guys are awesome doing what you're doing, and we're excited for uh you guys, and just uh it encourages us for you guys who are doing marriage ministries as well, and encourages us because I remember at one point we all were going to marriage conferences, and it's so fun to see what you guys and the seasons you guys are going through.
5:21
Scottie Albious: So we're excited to be doing the same and and see what God, you know, has in store.
5:25
Daniel Moore: Yeah, yeah, that's that's crazy looking back at where we all started at with all of this.
5:31
Daniel Moore: Oh yeah.
5:32
Daniel Moore: And I've always thought that you know, at one point in time all of us served together.
5:36
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
5:36
Daniel Moore: Uh we did we went to the same church and and actually led a li a life group together.
5:41
Daniel Moore: Um, but now it's kind of cool after that's uh after the fact, you know, seasons change.
5:46
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
5:47
Daniel Moore: And here we are now we go to separate churches and you guys are you know doing that at your church and we're doing it at our church and uh just kind of splitting that off now and growing ministries in both directions because you know, we know that just because you go to church doesn't mean there's not marriage issues in the church.
6:04
Daniel Moore: Right.
6:04
Daniel Moore: That's right.
6:04
Daniel Moore: And that there's not relationship problems.
6:06
Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, it's it always crosses my mind sometimes that you know I might and sitting there in church, you have people sitting all around you and you never know uh when that that couple sitting next to you, you know, what's their marital state really like, they may be fighting the biggest battle in their life at that point, you know, trying to hang on by the thread.
6:26
Daniel Moore: And but they don't speak up, they don't say anything, so you just don't know.
6:29
Daniel Moore: Right.
6:30
Daniel Moore: You know, there's just so many times that that people are.
6:32
Vicky Albious: So many times they think they're alone in it.
6:34
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
6:34
Vicky Albious: You know, they're like, I don't want people to think that you know this about us, but yet there's so many struggling people.
6:40
Vicky Albious: You know, yes.
6:42
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and if it's not brought to the light, you can't really fix it.
6:45
Daniel Moore: Right.
6:45
Daniel Moore: You know, it's it's it's one of those things that you gotta be intentional on.
6:48
Daniel Moore: And so this time around, uh, the last time you guys were here, it was really more about your testimonies.
6:55
Daniel Moore: Uh, because you guys are you have a phenomenal testimony being a blended family, uh being multicultural, just a lot of different dynamics that that go that were going on there.
7:04
Daniel Moore: And uh had some great response to those episodes.
7:07
Daniel Moore: Everybody really loved those.
7:08
Daniel Moore: And I think that uh people are hungry for things like this.
7:14
Daniel Moore: Right.
7:14
Daniel Moore: Uh like we was talking earlier, they think they're by themselves.
7:18
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
7:18
Daniel Moore: Uh when they hear other people's stories that relate to theirs, you know, it just kind of brings that whole thing uh full circle for them.
7:25
Daniel Moore: So starting off here, I'm gonna throw a couple questions at you guys.
7:28
Daniel Moore: Uh the first one here is have you guys ever won an argument but lost the connection?
7:34
Scottie Albious: Pass, can we go to the next question?
7:38
Vicky Albious: That's funny.
7:38
Vicky Albious: No, I think of a time, I think it was in our first year of marriage or so, and um I'd gotten really upset about something, can't remember even what it was, but um I was like, I just gotta like go take a drive or something.
7:52
Vicky Albious: And I was so irritated, he knew we'd kind of like rum-rurr back and forth.
7:56
Vicky Albious: And and so I go to walk out the door, and he basically is like, Hey, can you grab me a Coke on the way back?
8:02
Vicky Albious: I was like, I'm gonna bring you a casket, is all I'm gonna do.
8:06
Vicky Albious: Like, oh my gosh.
8:08
Scottie Albious: This is very young into our marriage, keeping the way that wasn't last week or anything.
8:12
Scottie Albious: That's hilarious.
8:13
Scottie Albious: Uh yeah, I I I remember because you know, uh, you're talking about fighting, and and and uh I I remember thinking, uh, we'll just talk about later.
8:22
Scottie Albious: And she comes in, she turns on the light, and she's super angry and she wants to talk about now.
8:27
Scottie Albious: And you know, of course, I don't want to talk about it now, and that's when she was leaving.
8:31
Vicky Albious: It's more of a thing of like, what are you talking about?
8:34
Vicky Albious: Like, get out of that bed and talk to me right now.
8:38
Daniel Moore: Yeah, yeah.
8:38
Daniel Moore: It it's funny how the communication, you you think that you can, especially with your spouse, you know, when you date, yeah, it seems like you can talk about anything almost to a point.
8:49
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
8:49
Daniel Moore: And so you all you automatically think, Well, we get married, this is just gonna get even better, you know, this is gonna be awesome.
8:54
Daniel Moore: I can't wait.
8:55
Daniel Moore: Right.
8:56
Daniel Moore: And then you get married and it's like the shutters come on.
8:59
Daniel Moore: It's like now we're afraid to say anything because we're gonna get smacked up the frying pan or what's going on here, you know.
9:05
Daniel Moore: And uh it's just kind of interesting how that happens.
9:08
Daniel Moore: But honestly, believe it or not, you know, it's like a lot of times when you dig into people's issues when with their marriages, uh, a lot of it's communication.
9:17
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it really is.
9:18
Daniel Moore: If I mean, if they didn't have all the communication issues, yeah, they would probably have a pretty flourishing marriage.
9:23
Daniel Moore: Right, right, right.
9:24
Daniel Moore: And it's just all those unknowns, you know, it's like a lot of things just aren't spoken sometimes.
9:29
Michelle Moore: I want to make a comment.
9:31
Michelle Moore: Um, Vicky was, you know, how you always tease me about being uh mean.
9:35
Michelle Moore: Did you hear what she said?
9:37
Michelle Moore: Coughing.
9:38
Daniel Moore: She said, I guess I'll take getting punched in the face or report to my heart over a little bit.
9:44
Scottie Albious: I still don't understand what that meant.
9:45
Scottie Albious: I'm trying to figure this out.
9:47
Scottie Albious: It's a daily progress though.
9:50
Michelle Moore: I have to laugh in my head because I'm just like, yes, Vicky, go.
9:55
Daniel Moore: If she starts looking for property, you probably better be careful.
10:01
Scottie Albious: That's where all those murder mysteries later night got around this line.
10:03
Daniel Moore: Yeah, she's out trying to buy a plot.
10:05
Michelle Moore: It teases me all the time.
10:07
Michelle Moore: I'm so aggressive and mean, and I'm like, I am not.
10:09
Michelle Moore: I'm just saying those things.
10:11
Michelle Moore: So when you said that, I was like, I gotta take this time to say that.
10:14
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
10:15
Daniel Moore: That's awesome.
10:16
Daniel Moore: Um you're not supposed to feed the fuel to her fire here, Vicky.
10:20
Vicky Albious: Somehow her husbands just push us to it.
10:22
Vicky Albious: I know, I know.
10:23
Vicky Albious: Where do these thoughts come from?
10:26
Daniel Moore: That's hilarious.
10:27
Daniel Moore: Yeah, the second question here, and this one rings true probably for a lot of people.
10:33
Daniel Moore: Have you ever said something that was true, but it was still destructive?
10:37
Daniel Moore: I think we've probably all done that.
10:40
Scottie Albious: Next question.
10:41
Scottie Albious: Yeah, exactly.
10:42
Vicky Albious: He's gonna do this through the whole thing.
10:45
Scottie Albious: No, I I I think, you know, uh coming from you know, I was I was thinking about when it comes to communication, there's there's, you know, you're neither analytical or emotional.
10:57
Scottie Albious: And I think because I I lack some of the emotional side, I'll just say it, you know, without thinking of repercussions.
11:04
Scottie Albious: There's times where I'll just say something, not willingly trying to hurt or cut, and then just by her reaction, I'm like, uh that was not a good thing.
11:13
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
11:13
Scottie Albious: And and and there's times where, you know, I've got to realize, okay, so I've got to come at a in a soft way to in a loving manner, you know, um, and just uh try try to understand you know why we're we're having this, you know, discussion.
11:30
Scottie Albious: Or I I was I was talking about and and reading something, it's causing it's talking about like when it comes to communication, and I I I lack a lot of things, I have to, as a man, is what we call define the division.
11:42
Scottie Albious: So we can't we can't fix something that we don't know what's broke.
11:46
Scottie Albious: So I have to kind of define, and it got to me where it's like, it's my pride.
11:50
Scottie Albious: I don't like to lose.
11:51
Scottie Albious: Uh even if it's in a it if it's an argument, I've gotta squash that.
11:55
Scottie Albious: Um I'm one of the worst, and I'll catch myself.
11:58
Scottie Albious: It takes me a while, a lot longer than you know, her.
12:01
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
12:02
Scottie Albious: And you know, and some time with the Lord and and and stuff, but I've I've there's a way to fight fair and uh there's a way to answer fairly without cutting because I'm hurt.
12:12
Scottie Albious: Yeah, yeah.
12:13
Daniel Moore: Exactly.
12:14
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's it's one of those things, you know, that you have to speak truth and love because there are times that that things happen and we have to approach those issues and discuss them.
12:27
Daniel Moore: Right.
12:27
Daniel Moore: And sometimes that truth does hurt.
12:30
Daniel Moore: Right, right.
12:30
Daniel Moore: Unfortunately.
12:31
Daniel Moore: If we're gonna be honest with each other.
12:33
Daniel Moore: Absolutely.
12:33
Daniel Moore: I mean, uh and I think sometimes that's where the communication conflicts come in because we want to beat around the bush and not, you know, make it worse necessarily.
12:43
Daniel Moore: But if you have good communication skills and you actually, you know, learn how to navigate through this stuff, you can actually get through it uh without damaging.
12:51
Daniel Moore: You know, it's just you have to learn your spouse and understand, you know, how to communicate through that.
12:57
Daniel Moore: And so when we're looking at words, you know, there's a reason that words matter in marriage.
13:03
Daniel Moore: And of course the the key scripture here is Ephesians 429.
13:08
Daniel Moore: And you want to read that, Michelle?
13:10
Michelle Moore: Yeah, do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
13:21
Daniel Moore: And you know, there's a lot of truth in that scripture.
13:23
Daniel Moore: And as we look at the biblical foundation about words, uh they're they're very important.
13:28
Daniel Moore: I mean, we look at it, God created with words is the the first thing that we can look at.
13:33
Daniel Moore: You know, God's spoken word doesn't merely describe reality, it formed reality.
13:38
Daniel Moore: And this shows us that words are never neutral.
13:41
Daniel Moore: They shape environments, they direct outcomes, they release either life or destruction.
13:46
Daniel Moore: That's right, basically.
13:48
Daniel Moore: Jesus was also called the word.
13:50
Daniel Moore: And the word is not just something God speaks, but it's actually someone that God is.
13:56
Daniel Moore: He's eternal, he's personal, he's active in creation.
13:59
Daniel Moore: So this means that words are meant to reveal, not obscure, to bring light, not confusion, to communicate life and not emptiness.
14:07
Daniel Moore: And you know, and I when you look at it that way, have you guys ever looked at it as you know, really looking at that scripture and understanding that what we speak is actually who God really is?
14:19
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
14:20
Daniel Moore: I mean, I think if we look at that, that that would really uh make us think about what we say.
14:25
Daniel Moore: You know, and the con the conversation that we have that it reminds me of that song I speak Jesus.
14:30
Daniel Moore: That that comes to mind for some reason when I think of that.
14:34
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
14:34
Daniel Moore: Because I guess in essence, if if Jesus is the word and he's created with words, uh then that's what we should be speaking.
14:41
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
14:41
Daniel Moore: Um in essence, uh our words also reflect our hearts.
14:46
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
14:47
Daniel Moore: And out of the the heart the mouth speaketh.
14:50
Daniel Moore: Matthew 12.
14:51
Daniel Moore: That's a very tough scripture to swallow.
14:53
Scottie Albious: So you're you're you're talking about that.
14:55
Scottie Albious: I don't mean to interrupt that quick, but I I was sitting there and you know, I I always ask myself, like, why am I, you know, coming back harsh because I'm hurt, you know.
15:05
Scottie Albious: But what you're saying, out of the the heart, it was in Matthew 12, 34, out of the heart the uh the mouth speaks, so comes out of the mouth.
15:11
Scottie Albious: Well, if if the heart is hurt, that's where all those hurtful words are gonna come from.
15:16
Scottie Albious: So it has to get to the root.
15:18
Scottie Albious: I have to heal this.
15:19
Scottie Albious: Yes.
15:20
Scottie Albious: I have to figure out what's going on in here, why am I hurt, and why am I projecting that hurt on someone that's trying to because marriage, what does marriage do?
15:27
Scottie Albious: It exposes the heart between husband and wife.
15:29
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
15:30
Scottie Albious: And if I don't want to expose because of vulnerability, fear, anger, whatever it is, there's an issue, there's a root somewhere that I need to ask the Lord to help me with.
15:38
Scottie Albious: And maybe even some for some of us men, we don't realize it, but to help him help us expose those areas in our heart that we need to to heal.
15:46
Daniel Moore: Yeah, yeah.
15:47
Daniel Moore: And that's a good point because a lot of the issues that we do have, that everything has a root.
15:52
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
15:52
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
15:53
Daniel Moore: I mean, that comes from somewhere.
15:54
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
15:55
Daniel Moore: And a lot of times if we want to blame that on the the now.
15:59
Daniel Moore: Yes.
15:59
Daniel Moore: This this moment right that we're in right now, this this is causing this anger, this is causing these bad words to be flowing out and this argument that's being created at this point.
16:10
Daniel Moore: But probably nine times out of ten, if you look into that, yeah, it probably really started right months ago.
16:15
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
16:15
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
16:16
Daniel Moore: Years ago.
16:16
Daniel Moore: You know?
16:17
Daniel Moore: And so then people get mad because they can't just fix it right now.
16:21
Daniel Moore: It's like, well, we're just let's just sit here and fix it.
16:23
Daniel Moore: Let's just talk through this and get it over with and get it done.
16:25
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
16:26
Daniel Moore: Well, and this has been going on for years and all this damage is there and this trauma that's going on in your life, how do you expect to fix that in that moment?
16:33
Daniel Moore: I mean, you're gonna have to go back and start where it all began and start working on that from the beginning of when that stuff happened because there's a lot of repair that's gotta take place there.
16:43
Michelle Moore: I'm gonna read the scripture though before we go.
16:45
Michelle Moore: It's in actually in Ephesians.
16:48
Michelle Moore: And I think about, you know, when it says do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth.
16:53
Michelle Moore: One of the things that I've had to practice is the scripture says be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
17:02
Michelle Moore: And I really think a lot of times in marriages, your marriage is united under Christ to begin with.
17:07
Michelle Moore: You're one.
17:08
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
17:09
Michelle Moore: So when you're discussing something with your spouse or having that argument, you have to step back and think God is, you know, He is good to me.
17:17
Michelle Moore: Sorry, I keep playing with my Bible and I'm keeping making noises.
17:20
Michelle Moore: See, squirrel, I told you, Scottie, I'm gonna be bad.
17:23
Michelle Moore: But you have to forgive another, one another as God has forgiven us.
17:28
Michelle Moore: And you really think about it, you can't you're not supposed to walk away and be angry because God's not angry with us for a whole year.
17:36
Michelle Moore: Those things that you know, I just I go to that scripture a lot and Dan will tell you I have more compassion and I just kind of blow things off.
17:43
Michelle Moore: But I have had to practice that scripture so much.
17:46
Michelle Moore: Yeah, and because when he says crazy mean things to me all the time, I have to just blow it off and go, except for when we're recording podcasts and I say I'm gonna punch you in the face.
17:56
Daniel Moore: I have to practice we got it out.
17:58
Daniel Moore: I gotta practice my anger somewhere.
18:00
Daniel Moore: Somewhere practice makes perfect, right?
18:02
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
18:02
Michelle Moore: But you know, you think about it, being kind to each other, you know, forgiving one another, yeah, you know.
18:08
Michelle Moore: But you know, when there is a root problem, which as you guys both said, there it comes from somewhere.
18:15
Michelle Moore: It does not happen at that moment.
18:17
Michelle Moore: If your spouse has a root problem and you know it, the Holy Spirit will guide and lead you.
18:23
Michelle Moore: You have to be patient and you have to be kind and you have to forgive them because you know you're not fighting your spouse.
18:30
Daniel Moore: Yeah, right.
18:31
Michelle Moore: They are going to be fighting something else that they've had a root problem, and you need they need to be praying that God opens their heart, even though they think it's the other person.
18:39
Michelle Moore: Yeah, you have to go to fight and to war for them, for that to be open.
18:44
Michelle Moore: So be kind and forgiving if you know and Satan's in the middle of that, also.
18:49
Daniel Moore: Usually he's right there stirring the pot.
18:51
Daniel Moore: And so it becomes a spiritual battle, yeah, really, or spiritual warfare type of thing.
18:56
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
18:56
Daniel Moore: Uh the next one here is marriage specific.
19:00
Daniel Moore: Uh, your spouse hears your words more than anyone else.
19:04
Daniel Moore: What what do you guys think about that one?
19:07
Daniel Moore: And also that kind of carries into the next one.
19:09
Daniel Moore: Spousal words carry extra weight.
19:12
Daniel Moore: Uh what can you guys share with how you what you what do you feel about those two statements?
19:18
Vicky Albious: Well, I was thinking about even when Michelle was talking about that, and um there's been many times that, you know, I will say something very straight to him when I'm upset about, you know, and I'll be like, because of this or that or da-da-da.
19:32
Vicky Albious: And he'll act like almost like he's just hitting this brick wall.
19:35
Vicky Albious: And then he'll come back to me later, you know, after he's like thought and prayed on it, and he'll be like, When you said this, I realized this, you know.
19:44
Vicky Albious: When I was thinking, oh, he's just not even listening, you know.
19:48
Scottie Albious: But like you realize I think from our perspective too, you know, there's a way you've got to fight fair, but at the same time, you've got to know how to receive fair.
19:55
Scottie Albious: Bible says be quick to listen.
19:58
Vicky Albious: Yeah, yeah.
19:58
Scottie Albious: People listen different.
20:00
Vicky Albious: It's true.
20:00
Scottie Albious: I've had to tell myself, don't listen by instead of receiving, don't listen.
20:05
Scottie Albious: I used to receive by like lashing back.
20:07
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
20:08
Scottie Albious: And if we're gonna fight, we're going.
20:09
Scottie Albious: Let's go.
20:10
Scottie Albious: You know, we're back and forth.
20:11
Scottie Albious: I'm trying to be more calm and just to receive and compute.
20:16
Scottie Albious: And so back to what we were saying in Matthew 12, 34.
20:19
Scottie Albious: And the reason I know that's because I tell myself all the time, how am I receiving?
20:22
Scottie Albious: How am I speaking?
20:23
Scottie Albious: What is what's coming out of my my my heart?
20:26
Scottie Albious: Because that's what she's seeing.
20:27
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
20:29
Vicky Albious: That's good.
20:30
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and we always have to remember that you know, being in a marriage, it's it's a win-win.
20:36
Daniel Moore: Uh neither spouse can ever lose because you're on a team.
20:40
Daniel Moore: And so whenever it's a team sport, uh, you know, you look at it at sports, for instance, if whatever team you're on wins, the whole team wins or the whole team loses.
20:50
Daniel Moore: Right.
20:50
Daniel Moore: It's it's not a not a split decision there, you know, whenever you have that going on, and marriage is not any different.
20:57
Scottie Albious: And I think to me, to answer your question, because you're asking, you know, your spouse hears, you know, your words more than and you're putting the sports perspective, I like that.
21:06
Scottie Albious: If you think about sports and football, when you get in a huddle, who hears the plays?
21:10
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
21:11
Scottie Albious: The players in the huddle.
21:12
Scottie Albious: Right.
21:12
Scottie Albious: With my wife in marriage, we're supposed to be intimate, which means we're supposed to know each other.
21:17
Scottie Albious: She knows deep inside more than you know anyone else inside my heart.
21:21
Scottie Albious: And and there's times where I have to communicate that play, like if we're in a huddle together in marriage, that's what it is.
21:27
Scottie Albious: We have to go back and forth and communicate.
21:29
Scottie Albious: I just have to get over hard-headedness, stubbornness, fear, all those things, and actually communicate back so that way we can get to play, you know, across and and move forward.
21:39
Scottie Albious: Right.
21:39
Michelle Moore: Do you feel like that has been you you're doing much better with that than where you have her?
21:46
Scottie Albious: Oh, yeah.
21:46
Scottie Albious: I have to paint these things in my head, like, okay, how are you gonna respond?
21:50
Scottie Albious: Because there's times where we'll be we've done this in the past before, where I try to process different where she's she's she's angry and she's saying this and saying that, and I'm like, Okay, time out.
21:59
Scottie Albious: So you're mad because I responded this way, but now you're saying this.
22:04
Scottie Albious: But because I need to respond or say this, like I'm trying to break it down in my mind of like, why are you angry?
22:10
Scottie Albious: Why are we, you know, mad?
22:11
Scottie Albious: And instead of responding like, well, you don't do this, I'm not, you know, now it's more like, okay, try to break this down, listen, and then communicate later.
22:19
Scottie Albious: That's why usually when we uh I've always believed in repent in the Lord and then repent to your spouse.
22:24
Scottie Albious: Yeah, it's good.
22:25
Scottie Albious: And say, I'm sorry.
22:26
Scottie Albious: I see where you're coming from.
22:27
Scottie Albious: Um and what I'm practicing now is I feel like and then fill in the blank.
22:32
Scottie Albious: Right.
22:33
Scottie Albious: But instead of just responding in anger, I try to respond like the Bible says, in love, and I have to tell myself, okay, I know it sounds weird, but I have to tell myself, okay, do this, do this.
22:42
Scottie Albious: Now here's the next step.
22:43
Scottie Albious: Now you're you know, think about what she said, here's why.
22:45
Scottie Albious: Usually the responses, their responses how to what you say is how you're dictating that that fight, if you will.
22:52
Scottie Albious: If it's in anger and she's crying, well, you didn't pass.
22:56
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
22:56
Scottie Albious: You know, yeah.
22:57
Scottie Albious: If it's more like, okay, we're coming and you know, we're we're understanding, we're you know, we're still heated, but there's you know, we're still communicating too.
23:05
Scottie Albious: So I'm I'm just trying to figure out what she's trying to tell me through her heart, you know.
23:10
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
23:11
Michelle Moore: Do you feel like though?
23:12
Michelle Moore: I'm sorry, Vicky.
23:13
Michelle Moore: No, you're um, do you feel like though when you're in that and you redo that?
23:17
Michelle Moore: I feel like this.
23:18
Michelle Moore: Do sometimes do you go back and say, Okay, Vicky, this is what you said, this is what I'm getting out of it to make sure.
23:28
Scottie Albious: Mm-hmm.
23:28
Scottie Albious: Oh, yeah.
23:29
Michelle Moore: It's good.
23:29
Michelle Moore: Okay.
23:30
Scottie Albious: And I say it because I read I read women language way off.
23:33
Michelle Moore: That the reason why I'm asking these is because I want other listeners.
23:36
Michelle Moore: I can speak man.
23:38
Scottie Albious: Yeah, I can speak man, but I can't speak woman.
23:40
Scottie Albious: And I'm still I'm learning.
23:42
Scottie Albious: And the reason I say this, and I'll I'll use this before, but like I remember there's one time where um the we weren't uh well let's just say the bills weren't being needed, you know, paid.
23:52
Scottie Albious: And we it was hard for us.
23:54
Scottie Albious: We were struggling, you know, early into our marriage, and I was working a job that, you know, I I I should have been paid more, and and things.
24:00
Scottie Albious: And I remember her coming to me, and we were getting to the point where she's like, babe, I this is not, we're not we can't we're not making this bill.
24:07
Scottie Albious: We're not making this.
24:08
Scottie Albious: And so that's what she's saying.
24:10
Scottie Albious: But what Scottie was hearing was you're not good enough at work.
24:14
Scottie Albious: You're not doing good, you're not making up, you're not supporting, you're not being the man you should.
24:18
Scottie Albious: So what I would always do is I would come back and be like, okay, then fine.
24:22
Scottie Albious: Let me go rob a bank, let me go rob a gas station real quick, and then we'll pay the bill.
24:25
Scottie Albious: Is that what you want?
24:25
Scottie Albious: And then I remember thinking, she's hurt, and she it's not like she's trying to hurt you.
24:30
Scottie Albious: She just needs women need security.
24:32
Scottie Albious: Yep.
24:33
Michelle Moore: So good.
24:33
Scottie Albious: If we don't get that security, if we don't give that security to them, how are we gonna get men need respect?
24:37
Scottie Albious: How are we gonna get that respect?
24:38
Scottie Albious: I need to secure her and be like, okay, babe, this is what we're gonna do.
24:42
Scottie Albious: But what what what I realized is she's like, I'm not trying to fight you.
24:46
Scottie Albious: I'm trying to figure out how to work, we can both work together.
24:48
Scottie Albious: And I'm like, it just almost like clicked.
24:50
Scottie Albious: It was like, oh, you weren't saying I'm not a man.
24:53
Scottie Albious: You were you know, it's a pride thing, right?
24:55
Scottie Albious: You weren't you weren't saying I'm not a man.
24:57
Scottie Albious: We're supposed to work together as a team, we're supposed to because men, we're fixers, we're gonna fix it now, we're gonna do it, you know, and we're gonna fix it our way because it'll get fixed because now you're throwing a fit, I'm gonna fix it, you know.
25:07
Scottie Albious: But no, it's a team.
25:08
Scottie Albious: I had to realize, Scottie, it's not you, it's you and her.
25:12
Scottie Albious: Figure out how to work this out together, figure out if she needs to work extra, if I need to work extra, how is this gonna get taken care of?
25:18
Scottie Albious: How are we gonna meet these ends or you know, meet the needs over here?
25:20
Michelle Moore: So yeah, thank you guys for just being on here and just being honest and sharing all this.
25:26
Michelle Moore: I'm so excited.
25:27
Michelle Moore: I'm just like sitting here going, I was tired, but now I'm like, ooh, this is getting good.
25:32
Daniel Moore: Yeah, well, it kind of comes back to you know, one thing that you had mentioned there uh was our words affect our spouses.
25:39
Daniel Moore: And, you know, praise from a spouse heals insecurities in in spouses.
25:47
Daniel Moore: And insecure when you think of insecurity, you know, a lot of times culturally speaking, uh it seems like the woman is always one that everybody pinpoints is insecure in the relationship.
25:58
Daniel Moore: But men can be insecure also.
26:00
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
26:00
Daniel Moore: I mean it goes both ways.
26:02
Daniel Moore: And if one spouse is chitter-chattering at another one back and forth, then you can make each other feel insecure depending on how you're communicating.
26:12
Daniel Moore: And so so praise when you praise a spouse, it'll heal those insecurities, it'll close that gap up and and make them feel they're important in this relationship.
26:21
Daniel Moore: I'm a special person in this relationship.
26:24
Michelle Moore: I didn't let Vicky finish hers.
26:25
Michelle Moore: I cut I cut I when he was asking those questions.
26:28
Michelle Moore: Would you want to bring those questions back up to Vicky so she can because I kind of cut her off because I was so excited.
26:33
Michelle Moore: I was like, yes, we're getting into some real meat here.
26:37
Daniel Moore: Yeah, but we've got to remember if we criticize, uh, especially spouse-wise, if a spouse criticizes another spouse, then uh that reinforces those insecurities even more deeply than if they were spoken from anybody else.
26:50
Daniel Moore: Right, right.
26:51
Daniel Moore: And I think that's why it's so important that we remember that you might talk to your coworker, you might talk to your friend or your family member, you might talk to them a certain way and get by with it.
27:00
Daniel Moore: But if you talk that way to your spouse, you're gonna cut deep, deeper than you could ever imagine.
27:06
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
27:06
Daniel Moore: And because that's the person closest to you.
27:09
Daniel Moore: That's your closest neighbor.
27:10
Daniel Moore: Right.
27:10
Daniel Moore: You know, in the Bible, you know, got Jesus tells us to love our neighbors ourselves.
27:14
Daniel Moore: Well, our closest neighbor is our spouse.
27:15
Daniel Moore: Yes.
27:16
Daniel Moore: And so we have to make sure that we always remember that and keep that in mind uh when we're communicating.
27:22
Daniel Moore: Well, the Bible says we come together as one.
27:24
Daniel Moore: Right.
27:25
Daniel Moore: You know, so she's part of it.
27:27
Daniel Moore: Sorry.
27:27
Daniel Moore: Yeah, exactly.
27:29
Daniel Moore: Uh did you have anything?
27:31
Vicky Albious: Well, I know I was just thinking about when we were talking about the communication and you know, and how Scottie's talking about how he had to learn to change it.
27:37
Vicky Albious: And it's it's crazy to look back of our first years of marriage and you know, talking about what he was of like him hearing it that way or this way, you know.
27:46
Vicky Albious: And uh it's it's cool to see now, because used to it was I'd flip the light on and you know, get up and talk to me, you know.
27:54
Vicky Albious: And as time has gone on and we've kind of learned each other more, like I don't do that anymore.
28:01
Vicky Albious: It's more of a thing of like, I need time to kind of chill it and you know, so I can calm my words.
28:08
Vicky Albious: Um, but two, I'm one when I'm upset, my voice raises, you know.
28:12
Vicky Albious: Yeah, it's the leader in the big boy.
28:15
Vicky Albious: Forever.
28:16
Scottie Albious: And if you got two people that raise their voice, it does not work.
28:18
Scottie Albious: It does not help.
28:19
Vicky Albious: Forever he was like, he's like, don't no one's gonna yell at me or blah blah blah.
28:23
Vicky Albious: And I'm like, I'm not yelling at my voice is just raised because I'm upset, you know.
28:27
Scottie Albious: And so it's like we've had to learn those things throughout these years of marriage, and it but it's cool to look back and well to like I said, as a man, we've got to understand that when we're receiving, I'm I have to tell myself, she's not trying to hurt me.
28:39
Scottie Albious: She's hurt.
28:40
Scottie Albious: Yeah, you need to help heal that.
28:41
Scottie Albious: Yeah, you know what I mean?
28:43
Scottie Albious: Because I would always, she's trying to make me mad, she's trying to push my buttons, okay, let's go.
28:47
Scottie Albious: But I'm like, no, she's hurt.
28:49
Scottie Albious: We need to figure this out.
28:50
Scottie Albious: You know, put my put Scottie's pride to the side and and listen to her.
28:54
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
28:55
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
28:55
Daniel Moore: What's spoken in private shapes trust, safety, and intimacy.
28:58
Daniel Moore: And we've always got to remember that those are three very important things in our relationship.
29:02
Daniel Moore: They can break make or break that that love that we have for each other.
29:06
Daniel Moore: There's some common ways that we can tear down without realizing it.
29:23
Daniel Moore: It's real easy to get in on that boat.
29:25
Daniel Moore: And the first one, we talked about it a little bit earlier, is speaking truth without love.
29:31
Daniel Moore: That's a very common way that that can happen.
29:34
Daniel Moore: Uh what we have to remember is whenever we speak harshly to our spouse, um, that signals superiority, impatience, or contempt, which then shifts that from being a problem-solving conversation to a self-protection conversation.
29:49
Daniel Moore: Because as soon as we go on the attack, as soon as we start doing that, you did this and you did that, um, I'm only this way because of you, yesterday, you, it's like, you know, you're always pointing fingers.
30:00
Daniel Moore: And whenever that happens, then automatically that spouse is gonna start getting into protection mode.
30:06
Daniel Moore: They're gonna shut down, they're not gonna want to talk because they're gonna they're going into that flight mode.
30:11
Daniel Moore: And so you're not gonna get anywhere with the conversation uh taking it that direction.
30:16
Daniel Moore: Now we always look at, well, we're Christians, so we'll just pull some scriptures out and we'll just speak some scriptures to each other, and that should that should solve the whole problem.
30:26
Michelle Moore: I don't ever remember us doing that.
30:28
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
30:29
Michelle Moore: I don't know.
30:29
Michelle Moore: Have you guys ever done that in the fight?
30:31
Scottie Albious: Uh fight with scripture.
30:32
Scottie Albious: Well, here's what the Bible says.
30:34
Scottie Albious: No.
30:36
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
30:37
Michelle Moore: Definitely haven't done that one yet.
30:39
Daniel Moore: Yeah, but sometimes, you know, it's like if if it can happen where people will pull the scripture card out and they'll start preaching at their spouse.
30:49
Daniel Moore: And that's that's not a good idea at that at that moment.
30:53
Daniel Moore: Truth should heal, not humiliate.
30:56
Daniel Moore: So we think about these three things about speaking truth without love, uh, scripture without compassion, uh, truth healing, and shouldn't humiliate us.
31:06
Daniel Moore: Is there anything that you guys add to that?
31:10
Scottie Albious: Well, the Bible says, you know, men, husbands, we're supposed to shower our wives in praise.
31:14
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
31:15
Scottie Albious: And I'm gonna be honest, if you're in the middle of a heated discussion, the last thing you want to do is shower in praise.
31:20
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
31:20
Scottie Albious: Because you want to to get whatever, you know, it's on your mind, you want to get it out.
31:25
Scottie Albious: Um, but I I truly, you know, I think you you know to to learn there's there's a lot of things in fighting.
31:32
Scottie Albious: I've had to like sit back and be like, okay, kind of analyze things, but I've also had to realize I need to analyze my wife even more.
31:38
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
31:39
Scottie Albious: One of the things I realized is she does not like humiliation.
31:41
Scottie Albious: So I'm not gonna humiliate her, especially to her face.
31:44
Scottie Albious: Instead, I'm gonna try and I try my hardest to not to joke around, because I love to joke around.
31:48
Scottie Albious: I try to be serious because that's where she wants to be serious, okay.
31:51
Scottie Albious: We'll be serious, but in a loving tone.
31:54
Scottie Albious: Right.
31:54
Scottie Albious: Um I think coming back, you know, at her with truth of like I've learned by and there I'm sure there's some things I haven't even realized that I've said in truth, or you know, that's not meant to hurt her, but to hurt, you know, it hurt her.
32:06
Scottie Albious: And then we've, you know, we've had conversations about things like that.
32:09
Scottie Albious: But I've always told myself, okay, tr don't humiliate her, or you know, do your best to put your what you want to say aside and just uh try to understand her heart if that makes sense.
32:21
Vicky Albious: And some of our earlier communication it was he'd pull off the jokes and I'd be like, Oh man, this is not the time or the place.
32:28
Vicky Albious: No, you need to rein that in.
32:31
Vicky Albious: Yeah.
32:31
Vicky Albious: And it just it would just irritate me more, you know, and cause more friction.
32:35
Vicky Albious: And so I'm like, there's a time and place, and this is not it.
32:38
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
32:38
Scottie Albious: And it it goes so well with, you know, your title, you know, you're you're neither building or burning down.
32:43
Scottie Albious: Right.
32:44
Scottie Albious: Same thing in your marriage.
32:45
Scottie Albious: You've got to tell yourself, you're neither gonna build this or we're gonna burn this down, and it's not gonna end the way you want it to.
32:50
Scottie Albious: You know, put your pride aside, especially men.
32:53
Scottie Albious: You know, we need to put our pride aside.
32:55
Scottie Albious: They're hurt, they need security.
32:56
Scottie Albious: We need to figure this out.
32:57
Scottie Albious: I think us men, not only do we need to build, we need to analyze, we need to figure out okay, what what's the issue?
33:02
Scottie Albious: We need to get to this because you know, they need that security.
33:06
Daniel Moore: Yeah, exactly.
33:07
Daniel Moore: And so, you know, whenever it comes to these conflicts that we have within our marriages, I think, you know, the big takeaway from that is we have to make sure that we're wanting a positive outcome.
33:21
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
33:22
Daniel Moore: Regardless of of what it takes to get to that, um, that's that's where we want to be.
33:27
Daniel Moore: And it may not be a situation where we both feel like we really got what we wanted, right?
33:31
Daniel Moore: But we need to get to that point where we're at least satisfied with we can okay, we can go ahead and move on from this now.
33:37
Daniel Moore: Uh, we're gonna just agree to disagree and leave it at this point.
33:41
Daniel Moore: We're okay with it the way that it is, and we'll move on instead of keep digging that dagger and you know, keep making that even worse.
33:49
Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, when it comes to truth and a relationship, uh, when we're speaking that truth, that's meant to restore uh the the problem that's going on right now that's caused the damage.
34:01
Daniel Moore: We're trying to restore that back to to being whole again.
34:04
Daniel Moore: And if we don't use truth, then we become a denominator.
34:09
Daniel Moore: We do we we dominate the other spouse at that point if we're not careful.
34:14
Daniel Moore: And that creates so many issues.
34:16
Daniel Moore: Yes.
34:16
Daniel Moore: Because we come into this marriage on an equal level plane.
34:19
Scottie Albious: Yeah, right.
34:20
Daniel Moore: You know, it's not somebody has been elevated or the wife elevated, you know, for the other spouse.
34:25
Daniel Moore: We're on equal, equal grounds here.
34:27
Daniel Moore: Yes.
34:27
Daniel Moore: And we've got to remember that.
34:29
Daniel Moore: And as a team, as we were speaking earlier, we have to learn how to, you know, go through these issues and these conflicts together as a team, pulling your own weight, and we're gonna get to the the resolution of this, and it's gonna be a good outcome.
34:44
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and we're gonna grow from it.
34:45
Daniel Moore: Every time we have a conflict, we need to look at that as a growing season in our life.
34:50
Daniel Moore: That's those printing those those vines.
34:53
Scottie Albious: And I think in the midst of those conflicts, like you were just saying, that's why I always tell myself, define the division.
34:57
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
34:58
Scottie Albious: What what is the problem?
34:59
Scottie Albious: What what why am I I need to define what I need to, you know, to fix.
35:04
Scottie Albious: How am I gonna fix something that I don't know what's wrong?
35:06
Scottie Albious: Right.
35:06
Scottie Albious: Define what's what's what's causing the pain, what's causing the anger.
35:10
Scottie Albious: And normally you don't want to hear the answer and you're thinking, oh, it's me.
35:13
Scottie Albious: Oh what I said.
35:15
Scottie Albious: It's how I acted.
35:16
Scottie Albious: It's it's it's how I I carried myself or it's how I responded or how I didn't respond.
35:21
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
35:22
Daniel Moore: And we've got to be willing to accept the answer if we ask for the question.
35:26
Daniel Moore: If if we truly want to know what the problem is, if that problem is us, we need to make sure that we're prepared to accept that.
35:34
Daniel Moore: Right.
35:34
Daniel Moore: And then we need to come to a point at that at that moment, okay.
35:39
Daniel Moore: So I I need to now figure out we need to figure out how I need to fix this and you know, take care of this in the in a good manner in the way that it should be.
35:48
Michelle Moore: So can I make a comment?
35:49
Daniel Moore: Sure.
35:50
Michelle Moore: So in our marriage 911, um, when we are doing the couples, they ask for us to read Proverbs.
35:58
Michelle Moore: Each each day is a chapter.
36:01
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
36:02
Michelle Moore: So I've gotten to know Proverbs a lot.
36:05
Michelle Moore: And it's actually one of my I've been go I go to it quite often.
36:09
Michelle Moore: And um this scripture is um 1528, and it says, the heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.
36:17
Michelle Moore: The mouth of the wicked overflows the evil words.
36:21
Michelle Moore: And so down here in my notes, it says, How many times have you spoken like the wicked and then regretted what you said?
36:29
Michelle Moore: Sometimes it seems as if harsh words crouch at the end of our tongues, just waiting to slip out the moment we let down our guard.
36:36
Michelle Moore: To keep those words from escaping our lips, we must strive to bring our hearts and tongues under the control of the Holy Spirit.
36:44
Michelle Moore: With this help, we can gain the discipline to think before we speak.
36:48
Daniel Moore: That's good.
36:48
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
36:52
Michelle Moore: So and there's a reason why we read Proverbs.
36:56
Scottie Albious: Yeah, that's good.
36:56
Michelle Moore: I mean, I have so many scriptures underlined and I'll write notes on it and stuff like that.
37:00
Michelle Moore: But I'm like, you know, if you really get into Proverbs, it changes everything.
37:07
Scottie Albious: Well, I was gonna say, text that to me.
37:09
Scottie Albious: That's that's good.
37:10
Michelle Moore: Oh, I have many, and like uh yeah, I think that's another one too.
37:13
Scottie Albious: I will definitely declare over your marriage while you're in the middle of a conflict and just read it because here you know you you always have their th fight with scripture, you know, and just just read it while you're you're talking.
37:24
Scottie Albious: Um that's really good.
37:25
Scottie Albious: I like that.
37:26
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
37:27
Daniel Moore: So we're gonna switch gears here and we're gonna go to how we communicate.
37:33
Daniel Moore: Uh so one thing that a lot of couples like to do is they like to get in their little fight and their arguments, and they like to point the finger and say, You always do this to me.
37:46
Daniel Moore: You never do this for me.
37:49
Daniel Moore: And that's very common.
37:51
Daniel Moore: I've done I've used that before myself.
37:53
Daniel Moore: It didn't get me very far.
37:54
Daniel Moore: Same, same.
37:55
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
37:56
Daniel Moore: But I've I've talked like that myself, and and you guys out there listening may be thinking, well, what's wrong with that?
38:01
Daniel Moore: You know, that's true.
38:03
Daniel Moore: She never does this or always does that, you know, or vice versa.
38:07
Daniel Moore: But the problem is, is those are absolutes.
38:10
Daniel Moore: And there's nowhere on this planet that somebody has always done something and never done it any differently.
38:17
Daniel Moore: That's just a lie.
38:18
Daniel Moore: And there's nowhere that somebody's never done something.
38:21
Daniel Moore: Right.
38:22
Daniel Moore: Uh, I'm sure by the time we live 60, 70 years, we've probably at least done everything at least once for the most part.
38:28
Daniel Moore: Um, but so basically, whenever we're talking like that, we're actually speaking in on truth in the middle of our conversation.
38:35
Daniel Moore: And then our tone, uh, the way that we speak, rolling the eyes, the the sarcasm, uh, the volume.
38:43
Daniel Moore: And like Vicky, I'm an I'm an escalator.
38:46
Daniel Moore: So, Michelle, I that's something I've had to overcome.
38:49
Daniel Moore: I've talked about that on our podcast before.
38:51
Daniel Moore: I like to his leg.
38:53
Daniel Moore: I like to talk over the person that I'm arguing with so that they get my point, you know.
38:57
Michelle Moore: Or he's just trying to tell a story, and you can tell he's really in it, and you can tell he's fucking around.
39:02
Michelle Moore: She says my face is getting red, and my I'm like, I can see that vein starting to be like, veins popping out on my forehead.
39:08
Daniel Moore: I'm like, you're calling me a monster.
39:09
Daniel Moore: What's going on with that?
39:10
Michelle Moore: I'm just like, bring the tone down.
39:13
Michelle Moore: It's okay.
39:15
Daniel Moore: So whenever we look at this in the communication with you know, speaking these absolutes and the tones and all that kind of thing, uh, what what does that bring to you guys' minds when you think about communication with that stuff included in it?
39:31
Vicky Albious: I'm pretty bad about saying because like something every time we, you know, have these little irritating things that happen.
39:40
Vicky Albious: And um he it's funny because he'll know that I'm like upset about something he can tell, you know, and he'll have said sorry quickly or whatever, and I'm still like frustrated over it because of something else I'm feeling from it.
39:58
Vicky Albious: And he can tell, you know, and this probably happened a couple weeks ago because like something happened and he said sorry, but like there was just more to it.
40:09
Vicky Albious: And so a day, like a day or so later, I was like, You've done this for years.
40:16
Vicky Albious: Like you never, there's the word never, you never come and say to me, I can tell something else's like what's up.
40:26
Vicky Albious: Like, talk to me about this, you know.
40:27
Vicky Albious: I'm like, you always just go on like nothing is wrong.
40:31
Vicky Albious: And and so we had a nice little sit-down talk about it and all of that, and then it just kind of goes on, you know, like we we talked it out and everything.
40:41
Vicky Albious: But like, I'm just like, you never, you never come to me and ask me this or blah, blah, blah.
40:47
Vicky Albious: This has gone on for years, you know.
40:50
Daniel Moore: Well, it it doesn't leave any room for exceptions or growth or any of that kind of thing.
40:54
Daniel Moore: When you when you talk like that to a spouse, really it just automatically shuts the conversation down because they have no if that was really true, there's no argument, you know.
41:03
Daniel Moore: And but it automatically puts that other spouse on the defensive.
41:07
Daniel Moore: Sure.
41:07
Daniel Moore: As soon as that's said, you know.
41:09
Daniel Moore: And but it's so easy to say that because in the heat of the moment, it's like that's just like we're trained.
41:16
Daniel Moore: That's that that's the sentence that's gonna come out of our mouth, you know.
41:19
Daniel Moore: And it's hard to break that habit.
41:21
Daniel Moore: It is, it's very hard to break it.
41:23
Daniel Moore: Uh, but it is something that if you're going to clean up your communication and you're going to have that relationship that you can resolve conflicts in a healthy manner and be able to actually grow in your marriage and love your spouse more and more every day, there's there's certain things that we have to train ourselves that we need to stay away from whenever we we talk.
41:45
Daniel Moore: And the eye rolling, the sarcasm, the criticism, uh a lot of that stuff happens in a lot of conversations.
41:54
Daniel Moore: Um, it's and people they'll even deny, like if you you tell them you try to call them out on a critical spirit.
42:01
Daniel Moore: I don't have that.
42:01
Daniel Moore: You know, it's like, you know, they don't even want to accept the fact that they have it.
42:05
Daniel Moore: And more often than not, it takes a third party to call that person out before they'll really believe it.
42:10
Daniel Moore: They'll never believe it if their spouse tells them because they're just criticizing them for that.
42:14
Daniel Moore: You know, it's like you can't win for losing in that type of a conversation with your spouse.
42:19
Daniel Moore: Uh, but that's something that we have to be really careful of because uh there is a difference between criticizing and complaining.
42:26
Daniel Moore: And so we have to make sure that we keep that, we can complain about certain things, uh, speaking that truth in love.
42:33
Daniel Moore: There is some room for that because we do have issues sometimes with the spouses, we need to take care of them.
42:39
Daniel Moore: We're not perfect, right?
42:40
Daniel Moore: So we have bad days, you know, there's there's stuff that happens, and our spouses see that we do have to have that door that we can come through sometimes to address that and do it in a healthy manner so we're not ripping each other's heads off, you know.
42:52
Daniel Moore: And otherwise it never gets fixed.
42:55
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
42:55
Daniel Moore: And so, so yeah, that's something that we definitely uh need to be careful of when it comes to uh talking about this communication issue.
43:05
Daniel Moore: Now, what about venting instead of communicating or releasing frustration rather than seeking understanding?
43:27
Daniel Moore: Uh what what do you guys have that you can add to on that one?
43:33
Scottie Albious: No, she I know so women that well she likes to get things out if she's frustrated.
43:40
Scottie Albious: And and I've I've I've noticed that, you know, venting.
43:44
Scottie Albious: I think as a man, we got to realize just because she's venting doesn't mean we have to fix that right now.
43:50
Michelle Moore: That is so 100% right.
43:52
Scottie Albious: We have to sit there and listen.
43:53
Scottie Albious: It's taken me years.
43:54
Scottie Albious: I'm still learning.
43:55
Scottie Albious: Yeah, but there's times where she comes, this is what's going on.
43:57
Scottie Albious: Well, okay, let's go fix it right now, let's go knock them in the Let's go figure, you know.
44:01
Vicky Albious: He won't even just stop and listen.
44:02
Vicky Albious: And so I don't know, probably in the last couple months, just with something going on, and I'm I'm like venting this down.
44:07
Vicky Albious: He's like, Well, then you tell them but I'm like, I need you to stop and just let me vent.
44:12
Scottie Albious: Okay, then don't tell him.
44:13
Scottie Albious: I'll go tell them.
44:14
Scottie Albious: Let me fix this, you know.
44:15
Scottie Albious: So we don't have to have this.
44:16
Scottie Albious: But I've got to realize shut up and listen.
44:18
Scottie Albious: Let me vent.
44:19
Scottie Albious: Part of that security, she needs that that that godly blanket, the godly covering, if you will.
44:24
Scottie Albious: She needs someone to talk to.
44:26
Scottie Albious: And I have to shut my mouth and then say, okay, babe, what what do you want to talk about?
44:30
Scottie Albious: Is this why it's bothering you?
44:31
Scottie Albious: And don't try to fix it.
44:33
Scottie Albious: Just listen.
44:33
Scottie Albious: Yeah.
44:34
Michelle Moore: And it's so hard to do that.
44:36
Michelle Moore: It is.
44:36
Michelle Moore: I mean, in all reality, I mean, Dan's kind of vented on me here lately about some stuff.
44:41
Michelle Moore: And and I'm like, I don't understand why you just don't say something.
44:44
Michelle Moore: Yes.
44:45
Michelle Moore: I'm like, you just need to tell him this or do this.
44:48
Michelle Moore: And he's just like, I can't do that.
44:50
Michelle Moore: And I'm like, I don't know why not.
44:51
Michelle Moore: I'm like, I would.
44:53
Michelle Moore: And he's like, yeah.
44:54
Scottie Albious: And you probably feel the same way I do, because I'm like, then cut it off.
44:57
Scottie Albious: Let's do this.
44:58
Scottie Albious: And she looks at me like, you monster.
44:59
Scottie Albious: Like, you know what I mean?
45:00
Scottie Albious: It's like, but that's how I I would think to fix it.
45:03
Scottie Albious: And and I've got to remember if I'm receiving, if I'm listening, I've got to listen with intent.
45:07
Scottie Albious: I can't just fix everything.
45:08
Vicky Albious: Well, and too, I'm very practical, you know, of like, okay, I can't actually do that, or I would not, it's the same thing.
45:15
Vicky Albious: I'm not gonna say that, you know.
45:17
Vicky Albious: And so I just need you to listen, and then you know, we'll go from there.
45:21
Scottie Albious: So when I come back like that, it's because I'm trying to protect the one I love.
45:26
Michelle Moore: Absolutely.
45:27
Scottie Albious: She's hurt.
45:27
Scottie Albious: And you can you feel that, Michelle?
45:28
Scottie Albious: They're hurt, so here's what we're gonna do.
45:30
Scottie Albious: We're gonna figure this out.
45:31
Scottie Albious: If you don't want to, I'll do it for you, you know.
45:33
Scottie Albious: And I've got to realize that doesn't make things always better.
45:36
Scottie Albious: Listen.
45:37
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
45:37
Daniel Moore: Yep.
45:38
Daniel Moore: And that actually covers the second principle of building up communication is speak to your spouse's needs, not your emotions.
45:47
Daniel Moore: Uh, because that's exactly what that's exactly what happens, you know.
45:51
Daniel Moore: It's like uh communication requires us to set aside self-centered expression in order to care for how words affect the other person.
45:58
Daniel Moore: And we need to be willing to sit there and listen with patience, speak with intention, choose clarity and kindness over convenience or emotional release.
46:06
Daniel Moore: Uh at those moments when we're wanting to, and guys are a lot of times our fixers.
46:12
Daniel Moore: That that's very common when you talk about communication between men and women.
46:17
Daniel Moore: There is a big difference there.
46:18
Daniel Moore: Uh, we we automatically want to, you know, put on the box and gloves and just go knock them out.
46:23
Daniel Moore: You know, it's like it's problem solved.
46:26
Daniel Moore: You know, it's like no big deal.
46:27
Daniel Moore: Um, but that's not what the women are after.
46:30
Daniel Moore: And and I think there's times too that guys are like that too, though.
46:33
Daniel Moore: I mean, there's times that we just want to sit and vent for a minute and have somebody that understands what we're going through.
46:38
Daniel Moore: Um, I think that happens on both sides of the coin, yeah.
46:41
Daniel Moore: Uh for sure.
46:42
Daniel Moore: And so, so yeah, that's uh that's a very good takeaway for solving this communication problem that we're talking about this week.
46:50
Daniel Moore: Uh another uh, as we get into that part of our discussion today, uh there's some principles that you can put into place for building up communication.
46:59
Daniel Moore: And the very first one is filter before you speak.
47:03
Daniel Moore: And so this is something that I always like.
47:06
Daniel Moore: It's you can ask four questions uh whenever it comes up to a point where you're getting ready to go through a conflictive conversation, uh, or if somebody's venting and you're needing to listen or you know, going to communicate back to them.
47:18
Daniel Moore: Here's four questions that can be asked.
47:21
Daniel Moore: Is it true?
47:22
Daniel Moore: Is it necessary?
47:24
Daniel Moore: Is it loving?
47:25
Daniel Moore: Is it helpful right now?
47:27
Daniel Moore: That's four questions that need to be asked when you're getting ready to fly off the handle and lay into somebody.
47:35
Michelle Moore: What was those questions again?
47:36
Daniel Moore: Is it true?
47:37
Daniel Moore: Is it necessary?
47:38
Daniel Moore: Is it loving?
47:40
Daniel Moore: Is it helpful right now?
47:41
Daniel Moore: And I'm sure just listening to you guys, I think you probably actually put some of this into play when you're communicating.
47:48
Daniel Moore: How do how do you feel like the you know, looking at putting those questions into play during your communication?
47:54
Daniel Moore: Uh that helps a lot.
47:58
Scottie Albious: I have to tell myself if it's not necessary, because I do joke around, I exaggerate a lot.
48:04
Scottie Albious: You know, well, I mean exaggerate like the whole situation and and joke around about it to to keep my mouth shut because it's not gonna help, you know.
48:13
Scottie Albious: You know, is it true?
48:15
Scottie Albious: Yes, but is it you know, is it necessary at the moment?
48:18
Scottie Albious: No.
48:19
Scottie Albious: And I laugh because I think of you know a few instances.
48:21
Scottie Albious: I was actually thinking if we could put that like on a poster in our room so we're fighting and I can you know read that.
48:26
Scottie Albious: Um but I think that just to be aware, is it necessary?
48:30
Scottie Albious: I think you know that's definitely something to uh that will help, you know, fight uh win, you know, together to to to to fix the conflict.
48:40
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
48:40
Daniel Moore: It's definitely a good filter that we need to think about because more often than not, we're when we're in those conversations that are high energy like that, we have a tendency to speak before we think about it.
48:52
Daniel Moore: That happens more often than not, and that gets us into these problems that we have because our mouth is flying way ahead of what we're thinking right at the moment.
49:01
Daniel Moore: Right.
49:01
Daniel Moore: And we're getting digging ourselves a big old ditch.
49:04
Michelle Moore: I want to read a scripture.
49:05
Michelle Moore: See, I'm gonna be reading the scriptures out of Proverbs.
49:08
Michelle Moore: Let me just tell you right now.
49:09
Michelle Moore: So 1813, it says spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.
49:17
Michelle Moore: So in my notes, it says, um, we give this verse's advice to children, but we don't always follow it ourselves.
49:25
Michelle Moore: We are prone to think that we understand others' situations much more clearly than we usually do.
49:31
Michelle Moore: As a result, we quickly pigeonhole their problems and offer a bit of canned advice.
49:37
Michelle Moore: As Proverbs tells us, this is folly, and for it can lead those we advise into deeper troubles and can cause hurt feelings among those who realize we have not taken the time to truly listen.
49:51
Michelle Moore: As believers, we must be quick to listen and slow to come to conclusion.
49:57
Michelle Moore: To do anything less fails to show others the love of our Lord Jesus Christ expects of us.
50:03
Daniel Moore: James, James 119.
50:05
Daniel Moore: Uh quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to becoming.
50:08
Daniel Moore: That's good.
50:09
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it kind of ref mirrors scripture.
50:12
Daniel Moore: Yeah, that's good.
50:13
Daniel Moore: Uh there's a lot of truth in that.
50:16
Daniel Moore: Old Sol Solomon, he pretty well had it figured out, I think, when it came to all this, which he was married to plenty of women, I guess had lots of practice to figure all that out.
50:26
Daniel Moore: But uh as we get to the the closing here, I'm gonna throw out some principles here, and we can just discuss them briefly as we close today.
50:36
Daniel Moore: Some other ways that you can fix this issue uh with this communication uh that we're talking about this week on how to talk without tearing somebody down.
50:45
Daniel Moore: Another good one is choose timing wisely.
50:48
Daniel Moore: You know, it might be a right message, but it might be the wrong moment.
50:51
Daniel Moore: And that causes damage.
50:54
Daniel Moore: You know, in those moments, maybe you need to learn to stop the conversation for a moment and say, you know, can we talk about this a little later when we're calmer?
51:02
Daniel Moore: You know, after we sit on this for a little bit and we cool down, let's come back and approach it then, because there is a time to be silent and a time to speak, as Ecclesiastes says.
51:13
Daniel Moore: So uh another one is use words that invite unity.
51:16
Daniel Moore: And you guys have cut touched on this a little bit.
51:20
Daniel Moore: Uh, when you reapply back in these communications, help me understand.
51:24
Daniel Moore: Or I may be wrong, but I want us to be on the same team.
51:28
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
51:29
Daniel Moore: You know, use those unifying words.
51:31
Daniel Moore: I feel like exactly uh that's a good way to talk without a cu without accusation.
51:38
Daniel Moore: Right.
51:38
Daniel Moore: You know, you're not accusing the other spouse at that point.
51:41
Daniel Moore: So that invites conversation.
51:43
Daniel Moore: Yeah, I think it keeps the heart from closing off.
51:45
Scottie Albious: I think it stops the absolutes.
51:47
Scottie Albious: Right.
51:48
Daniel Moore: Never, you know, instead, just like I feel like all the negative stuff can stay out of conversation at that point.
51:55
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
51:56
Daniel Moore: Replacing tear tearing downwards with life-giving ones.
52:00
Daniel Moore: Right.
52:01
Daniel Moore: Um, instead of saying you don't care, say I'm feeling unheard, or you're always late, rather than it all or instead of that, it helps me feel valued when we're on time.
52:12
Michelle Moore: I think that's the one you do for me all the time.
52:14
Daniel Moore: Is that the one I do for you?
52:15
Daniel Moore: We'll move on.
52:17
Daniel Moore: We'll move on to the next one here.
52:19
Scottie Albious: She's like glaring at him like, we're not done yet.
52:22
Scottie Albious: We're staying here.
52:22
Scottie Albious: I'm like, whoa.
52:23
Michelle Moore: You mentioned in the last one.
52:24
Michelle Moore: We come back to this later when we're calming up.
52:26
Michelle Moore: You mentioned in the last podcast how I always make him late.
52:33
Michelle Moore: And I'm like, this last Sunday, I'm like, I get up super early and I'm like, I am not making us late.
52:39
Michelle Moore: I'm like, we're ready to go.
52:40
Michelle Moore: And he's like, You ready?
52:42
Michelle Moore: And I'm like, yes, let's go, because I'm not making you late.
52:47
Daniel Moore: That's awesome.
52:48
Daniel Moore: Good old learning moments.
52:51
Michelle Moore: It's only taking us 24 years for you to finally tell me how you really feel.
52:55
Daniel Moore: You know, I don't communicate very well with anything.
52:57
Daniel Moore: Uh another one is encourage daily verbal affirmation.
53:03
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
53:04
Daniel Moore: Uh that's that's a big one.
53:06
Daniel Moore: And I honestly, if Michelle and I have been around you two enough, um, that's something that I highly respect out of you guys because um we've we've seen that as you guys have done that over time.
53:18
Daniel Moore: Um, you know, affirming each other, um, showing the love between the two of you, speaking encouragement, yes, you guys all the time.
53:27
Daniel Moore: That that not only builds your relationship together, but the people that are around you, that affects that affects everyone.
53:33
Daniel Moore: It's a good testimony.
53:35
Daniel Moore: Yes.
53:35
Scottie Albious: I think it's it's definitely important for people around, but also if I'm a man and I'm speaking praise over her, well, guess what?
53:41
Scottie Albious: I love her because I'm thinking these.
53:43
Daniel Moore: Right.
53:43
Scottie Albious: Instead of speaking horrible, then I'm thinking of her as a different person or these horrible things that I'm thinking.
53:48
Scottie Albious: So, like I said, it's all about it, you know, even when you communicate to yourself, you talk to yourself the most.
53:54
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
53:55
Scottie Albious: So even how you think of how you think of the spouse.
53:58
Scottie Albious: You're talking about so you you're talking about cu uh communication and and and you're talking about words, and another thing uh I just want to throw in there real quick about communication.
54:07
Scottie Albious: Um, it's important because careless words create wounds.
54:10
Scottie Albious: Unspoken words create distance, harsh words create walls.
54:14
Scottie Albious: Yes, that's good.
54:15
Scottie Albious: You can either build or burn, and that's why those words are super important.
54:19
Scottie Albious: So when it comes to I want people to see my wife like, oh, you know, because she's awesome, but I want my kids to see how I talk about her.
54:26
Scottie Albious: Right.
54:27
Scottie Albious: Am I perfect by any means?
54:28
Scottie Albious: No.
54:29
Scottie Albious: There's a lot of things that you know I need to quit joking around all the time and you know, and things like that.
54:33
Scottie Albious: But I want my boys, even my daughter, to respect their mom.
54:36
Scottie Albious: Yeah, building the next generation.
54:38
Scottie Albious: Yeah, or else I'd beat them.
54:40
Daniel Moore: That's right.
54:41
Michelle Moore: Do you hear that?
54:43
Scottie Albious: Yeah, Daniels.
54:44
Daniel Moore: I said, or else I'd beat them.
54:45
Daniel Moore: I'm just glad you two are on that end of the table over there.
54:47
Daniel Moore: I feel safer over here when I'm here.
54:49
Michelle Moore: I think you're the only one that has it.
54:50
Michelle Moore: Vicky, me, and Scottie.
54:52
Michelle Moore: Like, you just need to stay down there.
54:54
Daniel Moore: I feel we should pray.
54:55
Daniel Moore: No, I'm kidding.
54:56
Daniel Moore: My little white personality is just fun to be here by myself.
55:01
Daniel Moore: Uh and the very last one is grace for when we mess up.
55:07
Daniel Moore: It's so good.
55:08
Daniel Moore: How hard is it to extend grace and forgiveness.
55:10
Daniel Moore: That's hard to believe it's that hard, but sometimes it is.
55:14
Daniel Moore: It's very difficult.
55:15
Daniel Moore: But we gotta remember words can wound, but they can also heal.
55:19
Scottie Albious: Yes.
55:19
Daniel Moore: And so it's it's all in how we communicate that.
55:21
Daniel Moore: That's good.
55:22
Daniel Moore: So we're gonna go ahead and and wrap up this episode.
55:25
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for being here this week.
55:27
Daniel Moore: Of course, you're gonna be back next week for another one.
55:30
Daniel Moore: Um, but this has been awesome.
55:32
Daniel Moore: As we close today, just remember this that words are never neutral.
55:36
Daniel Moore: They either build up or they break down.
55:38
Daniel Moore: In marriage, the goal isn't to win the conversation, it's to protect the relationship.
55:42
Daniel Moore: Healthy communication doesn't mean you never disagree.
55:46
Daniel Moore: It means you choose to speak with love, humility, and purpose, even when emotions run high.
55:52
Daniel Moore: When we slow down, listen well, and let grace lead our words, we create space for healing instead of hurt.
55:58
Daniel Moore: Scripture reminds us in Ephesians 4.29 to speak only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.
56:05
Daniel Moore: When we bring that heart into our marriages, our conversations become tools for unity rather than weapons for division.
56:13
Daniel Moore: So this upcoming week, uh, the four of us here, we encourage you guys to pause before you speak.
56:18
Daniel Moore: Ask yourself, will these words bring us closer or are they gonna push us apart?
56:23
Daniel Moore: Then choose the words that reflect the love of Christ.
56:26
Daniel Moore: And if this episode's encouraged you, please share it with another couple who could benefit from a healthier conversation.
56:32
Daniel Moore: And also be sure to subscribe so that you guys don't miss for what's coming next.
56:36
Daniel Moore: Um, next week we're gonna be back and we'll be talking some more about marriage.
56:40
Daniel Moore: Uh, we got a fun one coming up here, also, so you guys are gonna enjoy that.
56:45
Daniel Moore: And that's all for this week, though.
56:47
Daniel Moore: And we pray that as we go that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
56:52
Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting to Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.