Latest / The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast / 331. Resentment Is Taking More Than Your Peace | Transurfing Pendulums

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331. Resentment Is Taking More Than Your Peace | Transurfing Pendulums · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Kathie (2): In today's episode, we are gonna talk about resentment, and this is something we all can encounter in our journeys of life.
• 0:10
  Kathie (2): And as I talk about in Human Patterns Under Pressure, I talk about practicing with the small things, like practice in traffic when pressure hits.
• 0:22
  Kathie (2): And so today's episode is going to be how to handle resentment when it hits your life, because we want to handle that in a way that's going to empower us rather than take away our peace.
• 0:39
  Kathie (2): So think about this.
• 0:40
  Kathie (2): Someone cuts you off in traffic, and a few seconds later they are gone.
• 0:45
  Kathie (2): But how long do they stay in your body?
• 0:48
  Kathie (2): Think about that for a minute.
• 0:50
  Kathie (2): How long are your hands tight on the wheel?
• 0:52
  Kathie (2): How long are you replaying what they did, and how much of your drive do they get to occupy even though you will probably never see them again?
• 1:02
  Kathie (2): I started noticing something about myself in traffic, and this happened many, many years ago.
• 1:08
  Kathie (2): When I started offering positive vibes, or some call it prayer, for that driver, the tension in my body began to leave.
• 1:18
  Kathie (2): And I didn't stop with that one car.
• 1:20
  Kathie (2): I sent positive vibes and prayers for all the cars around me, for everyone to arrive safely, for a little more peace on the road.
• 1:30
  Kathie (2): And I've done this for years, and I've also done it on the big things as well, and that's what we're gonna talk about today.
• 1:38
  Kathie (2): Because it changes how we experience that drive, and let's face it, our entire life.
• 1:47
  Kathie (2): And that is what I wanna talk about today, resentment.
• 1:51
  Kathie (2): What happens when we keep feeding it with our attention.
• 1:55
  Kathie (2): You know, where your attention goes, your energy flows.
• 2:00
  Kathie (2): And how a forgiveness practice can help us begin to release it.
• 2:07
  Kathie (2): Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 2:10
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen.
• 2:11
  Kathie (2): I am a private consultant and coach and the author of The Truth Bubbles Up and Human Patterns Under Pressure.
• 2:19
  Kathie (2): For more than 25 years, my work in fitness, wellness, organizational dynamics, and leadership has brought me close to people navigating pressure.
• 2:31
  Kathie (2): My own journey with anxiety has shaped that work, too.
• 2:35
  Kathie (2): I study human patterns under pressure, how we react, what we hold onto, and what becomes possible when we pause long enough to choose a different response.
• 2:48
  Kathie (2): Today, we're going to bring together nervous system regulation, reality transurfing, forgiveness and faith, and trust in a higher power, the universe, or whatever you want to call it, and we're going to keep coming back to one idea: where my attention goes, my energy flows.
• 3:14
  Kathie (2): Think about the last time you felt resentful.
• 3:17
  Kathie (2): Oftentimes, it won't take us long.
• 3:19
  Kathie (2): I find it a sneaky little snake.
• 3:22
  Kathie (2): Maybe someone took credit for your work.
• 3:25
  Kathie (2): Maybe you were left out of a conversation.
• 3:27
  Kathie (2): Maybe you received an email that felt unfair.
• 3:30
  Kathie (2): Maybe you were cut off in traffic.
• 3:32
  Kathie (2): Maybe you see mistreatment and unfairness going on in your life and workplace.
• 3:39
  Kathie (2): The interaction ends, and you go on with your day, but your thoughts keep returning to it.
• 3:44
  Kathie (2): You think of what you should have said.
• 3:47
  Kathie (2): There's that word, should.
• 3:50
  Kathie (2): I say it's a dirty word.
• 3:52
  Kathie (2): Anyhow, you explain your side of to an imaginary audience.
• 3:57
  Kathie (2): You remember another time that person did something similar.
• 4:00
  Kathie (2): You go back into that dang courtroom, and before long, you have spent an hour with someone who isn't even there.
• 4:08
  Kathie (2): And what is happening in your body while you're having that conversation?
• 4:12
  Kathie (2): For me, there can be tension.
• 4:15
  Kathie (2): I can feel myself getting worked up.
• 4:17
  Kathie (2): My attention narrows around what happened and why it should have been different.
• 4:22
  Kathie (2): Resentment can begin with a real hurt.
• 4:26
  Kathie (2): Something unfair may have happened, but there is also the repeated return to the hurt, the replay that keeps pulling us back in.
• 4:35
  Kathie (2): That is on us.
• 4:37
  Kathie (2): Think about it.
• 4:38
  Kathie (2): It is in your own mind.
• 4:43
  Kathie (2): Researchers call this kind of repetitive thinking rumination.
• 4:48
  Kathie (2): Studies of angry rumination have found that it can slow the recovery of blood pressure after an upsetting experience.
• 4:56
  Kathie (2): Hmm, that's interesting.
• 4:58
  Kathie (2): When I give my talk on pressure hitting the room, one of the first responses from my audience is,"My blood pressure goes up." That gives us a useful way to understand the cost of the replay.
• 5:11
  Kathie (2): Our bodies may take longer to settle when our minds keep returning to what upset us.
• 5:18
  Kathie (2): I want you to notice that with kindness.
• 5:21
  Kathie (2): No shame, no condemnation.
• 5:24
  Kathie (2): Just ask yourself, when I rehearse this story, what do I notice in my body?
• 5:30
  Kathie (2): This brings me back to Reality Transurfing by Vadim Zeland.
• 5:34
  Kathie (2): Reality Transurfing is a book written by Russian quantum physicist Vadim Zeland, and I talk about it often on my channel.
• 5:42
  Kathie (2): And Vadim says,"A pendulum is a structure sustained by shared attention and emotional engagement.
• 5:50
  Kathie (2): A group, a conflict, or a cause can pull people into its patterns." I find pendulums fascinating in human patterns under pressure, which is why I talk about them often on my channel.
• 6:03
  Kathie (2): I have several articles about pendulums, and I will link them in the show notes and description below.
• 6:09
  Kathie (2): Vadim describes how we can become caught in that pull through our reactions.
• 6:15
  Kathie (2): We get upset, we argue, we keep thinking about the very thing we want to be free of.
• 6:21
  Kathie (2): Remember rumination?
• 6:23
  Kathie (2): Here is the everyday experience that I connect it to.
• 6:28
  Kathie (2): You want to stop thinking about a situation, but you keep checking on it.
• 6:33
  Kathie (2): You want peace, but you keep rehearsing your argument.
• 6:37
  Kathie (2): You may even start arguing with yourself for still being upset.
• 6:42
  Kathie (2): Now the resentment has company.
• 6:46
  Kathie (2): One of the passages I highlighted in the book Reality Transurfing suggests experimenting with an unexpected response to a small nuisance.
• 6:56
  Kathie (2): Bring it a little lightness to it.
• 6:58
  Kathie (2): Change the way you meet it.
• 7:01
  Kathie (2): I find that very interesting, and this is where my traffic practice comes in.
• 7:07
  Kathie (2): Someone cuts me off, and I feel that first reaction.
• 7:11
  Kathie (2): Then I offer a feeling of positive vibes to those in traffic and especially the person that cut me off.
• 7:18
  Kathie (2): I send vibes for safety, for peace, for everyone to get where they are going, and I do that sincerely.
• 7:26
  Kathie (2): I notice the tension begin to leave my body.
• 7:30
  Kathie (2): That resentment may fade before it fully leaves, but even that softening changes my experience.
• 7:38
  Kathie (2): My attention has somewhere else to go.
• 7:41
  Kathie (2): Remember, where your attention goes, your energy flows.
• 7:44
  Kathie (2): Instead of continuing to build a case against one driver, I am considering everyone around me.
• 7:51
  Kathie (2): There are people in those cars, people going to work, people going home, people carrying things I know nothing about.
• 7:59
  Kathie (2): I don't have to invent an explanation for what happened.
• 8:02
  Kathie (2): I can offer goodwill without knowing their story.
• 8:06
  Kathie (2): And then another car might speed past me as another example in traffic, and I want to add that traffic is a great way to practice your responses to pressure.
• 8:19
  Kathie (2): That speeding car that just passed you is a pattern I call urgency, and urgency is very contagious.
• 8:28
  Kathie (2): That is a pendulum.
• 8:30
  Kathie (2): Get it?
• 8:31
  Kathie (2): That is one of the human patterns I pay close attention to under pressure.
• 8:36
  Kathie (2): Speed, sudden moves, behavior that leaves little room for other people.
• 8:41
  Kathie (2): I can see the behavior, and I cannot know exactly what is happening inside that other person.
• 8:48
  Kathie (2): But I can notice what happens inside of me.
• 8:51
  Kathie (2): That's important.
• 8:53
  Kathie (2): And am I going to carry that urgency into the rest of my drive, or am I gripping the wheel again?
• 8:59
  Kathie (2): Am I starting to create another argument in my head, or can I return to my practice?
• 9:07
  Kathie (2): My pattern, the one I am choosing to practice, is forgiveness or sending positive vibes.
• 9:16
  Kathie (2): And every time I return to it, I give myself another opportunity to release that tension.
• 9:24
  Kathie (2): This is also how I practice turning the other cheek.
• 9:29
  Kathie (2): Jesus speaks about turning the other cheek in Matthew 5:39.
• 9:34
  Kathie (2): "But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.
• 9:37
  Kathie (2): If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn them the other cheek also." To me, this is not turning the cheek so someone can hit it, too.
• 9:47
  Kathie (2): No, it is more about turning your cheek away from the pendulum hooking you and giving space for that resentment to leave.
• 9:57
  Kathie (2): I can offer a prayer and send the positive vibes from my God self.
• 10:02
  Kathie (2): I can step away from the argument taking shape in my mind.
• 10:05
  Kathie (2): I can decide how I wanna show up.
• 10:08
  Kathie (2): I turn the other cheek.
• 10:11
  Kathie (2): Forgiveness gives me room to consider those choices with less resentment driving them.
• 10:16
  Kathie (2): That is key.
• 10:19
  Kathie (2): And there's another scripture that speaks directly to attention.
• 10:23
  Kathie (2): Philippians 4:8.
• 10:26
  Kathie (2): "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." I find that helpful because true matters.
• 10:43
  Kathie (2): Something may have hurt.
• 10:45
  Kathie (2): That is true.
• 10:47
  Kathie (2): And there may also be something good available to me in this moment, something worth noticing, something worth caring for.
• 10:56
  Kathie (2): In traffic, I can acknowledge that a driver made a dangerous move.
• 11:00
  Kathie (2): Then I can bring my attention back to driving safely and wishing safety for the people around me.
• 11:07
  Kathie (2): I can choose what I continue to feed.
• 11:09
  Kathie (2): That is the pendulum prod being released.
• 11:14
  Kathie (2): I want to pause here because that is part of the reason why I wrote my book, The Truth Bubbles Up.
• 11:20
  Kathie (2): These practices developed over time through my own personal life.
• 11:25
  Kathie (2): The book is my journey, my hero's journey, and it includes the patterns I began to recognize and the truths I had to face along the way.
• 11:35
  Kathie (2): A long custody battle, my experience with anxiety, losing a job that I freaking loved, learning how to observe my responses, and taking responsibility for what I could choose next.
• 11:49
  Kathie (2): Over time, those experiences helped me shape the principles that I speak about today: non-attachment, radical responsibility, and courage.
• 11:59
  Kathie (2): They also shaped my understanding of peace, power, and presence.
• 12:05
  Kathie (2): The Truth Bubbles Up gives you more of that story, and it provides the lived context behind the processes I share here.
• 12:14
  Kathie (2): If you've listened to me and wondered how I came to understand these patterns, the book takes you deeper.
• 12:20
  Kathie (2): You can learn more about it at www.kathieowen.com/truthbubblesup.
• 12:27
  Kathie (2): The link will be in the show notes and description below.
• 12:32
  Kathie (2): So let's talk about losing that job, because it's worth talking about right here, right now, because resentment doesn't always begin with something as brief as a moment in traffic.
• 12:45
  Kathie (2): I loved that job.
• 12:47
  Kathie (2): I was very good at that job.
• 12:49
  Kathie (2): When I lost it, I had resentment towards certain people, towards situations, and toward the circumstances surrounding what happened.
• 12:59
  Kathie (2): Releasing it took practice.
• 13:01
  Kathie (2): And even now, years later, I can still find a little piece of resentment that seeks my attention.
• 13:08
  Kathie (2): A memory comes up.
• 13:09
  Kathie (2): Something reminds me of that time.
• 13:11
  Kathie (2): I notice a familiar feeling.
• 13:14
  Kathie (2): I'm human.
• 13:15
  Kathie (2): And when that happens, I return to the same practice.
• 13:18
  Kathie (2): I notice what I am holding.
• 13:21
  Kathie (2): I offer the prayer.
• 13:22
  Kathie (2): I work on releasing the resentment.
• 13:24
  Kathie (2): And as it softens, I can look at the experience differently.
• 13:30
  Kathie (2): I can see more of what I learned.
• 13:32
  Kathie (2): I can notice what matters to me today.
• 13:35
  Kathie (2): I can give more attention to the life I am living now.
• 13:39
  Kathie (2): I turn the other cheek, and I focus on what is noble and true.
• 13:47
  Kathie (2): Wayne Dyer expressed this in a saying that I absolutely love,"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." That describes something I have experienced personally, especially with resentment, many, many times.
• 14:06
  Kathie (2): As I release resentment, I begin noticing things that were hard to see when all my attention was on the hurt.
• 14:14
  Kathie (2): And some days that shift is small, a little more ease, a little less tension, a little more room to think, and I value that.
• 14:23
  Kathie (2): Your forgiveness positive vibe practice may look different from mine.
• 14:28
  Kathie (2): You may pray.
• 14:29
  Kathie (2): You may use a forgiveness meditation or a practice such as Ho'oponopono.
• 14:34
  Kathie (2): I use Ho'oponopono often, and I speak about Ho'oponopono on my channel.
• 14:41
  Kathie (2): And you may speak about releasing something to God or to the universe, whatever you call it.
• 14:47
  Kathie (2): You might start with a simple willingness.
• 14:50
  Kathie (2): I am willing to loosen my grip on this today.
• 14:54
  Kathie (2): The practice needs to be something you can approach honestly.
• 14:58
  Kathie (2): You don't have to force a feeling you don't have.
• 15:01
  Kathie (2): You can begin by noticing the resentment and deciding where to give your attention next.
• 15:08
  Kathie (2): For me, sincerity matters.
• 15:10
  Kathie (2): When I really and truly, deep inside mean that prayer and the positive vibe, I notice a difference.
• 15:17
  Kathie (2): And sometimes I have to say it many times and even meditate on it to release things that have a strong grip on me.
• 15:25
  Kathie (2): Sometimes the practice is returning again.
• 15:28
  Kathie (2): Notice.
• 15:29
  Kathie (2): Offer the prayer or intention.
• 15:32
  Kathie (2): Bring your attention back to the present moment and see what changes.
• 15:37
  Kathie (2): A little lightness can help, too.
• 15:40
  Kathie (2): Sometimes I can catch myself and recognize how much attention I'm giving the resentment in my life, and I catch myself going back into that dang rabbit hole.
• 15:50
  Kathie (2): No shame, no condemnation, just notice.
• 15:53
  Kathie (2): There I am, still holding a meeting about it.
• 15:57
  Kathie (2): That recognition can give me enough space to smile, loosen my grip, and return to the road ahead of me, my vision.
• 16:06
  Kathie (2): There's another idea in the pages of Reality Transurfing that I highlighted that I want to touch on here.
• 16:12
  Kathie (2): Vadim describes a suspended state that can follow stepping away from destructive pendulums.
• 16:18
  Kathie (2): You may have less conflict occupying your thoughts, but you still need direction for your attention.
• 16:25
  Kathie (2): That is a useful question for this practice.
• 16:29
  Kathie (2): As resentment loosens, what do I want to give my attention to?
• 16:35
  Kathie (2): I like to focus on my vision, my dream, what I'm trying to accomplish.
• 16:43
  Kathie (2): Sometimes maybe it's even taking a walk in nature just to get my attention off of what I'm looking at, or playing with a furry friend, or just noticing the work in front of me.
• 16:54
  Kathie (2): In meditation, I can practice returning to something I want to nurture: peace, gratitude, a possibility I want to explore, and doors open up when you do that.
• 17:07
  Kathie (2): When my attention wanders back to the grievance, I can notice that and return again.
• 17:12
  Kathie (2): This is where my three principles become very practical.
• 17:16
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment helps me loosen my grip on how I think someone should have behaved.
• 17:24
  Kathie (2): There's that word, should.
• 17:26
  Kathie (2): Radical responsibility asks me to take ownership of my response and my next action.
• 17:32
  Kathie (2): Courage helps me practice something different, including when part of me still wants to keep arguing.
• 17:39
  Kathie (2): Those are choices I can make today.
• 17:42
  Kathie (2): So let's bring this back to you.
• 17:45
  Kathie (2): If you're somewhere you can pause safely, notice what happens when you think about a resentment you've been carrying.
• 17:52
  Kathie (2): You can choose something small.
• 17:55
  Kathie (2): What do you notice in your body?
• 17:58
  Kathie (2): What are you repeating in your mind?
• 18:00
  Kathie (2): And is there part of the replay you are willing to release for now, just a little bit?
• 18:05
  Kathie (2): It may even be the practice of sending that situation a positive vibe.
• 18:11
  Kathie (2): Then return your attention to where you are.
• 18:14
  Kathie (2): How are you feeling in this present moment?
• 18:17
  Kathie (2): What deserves your attention now?
• 18:20
  Kathie (2): I keep coming back to that.
• 18:22
  Kathie (2): Today, this moment, the response I can choose now.
• 18:27
  Kathie (2): When something happens, I may still feel that first flash of irritation.
• 18:32
  Kathie (2): I notice, I pause, then I have a practice I can return to, a positive vibe or a prayer, a vibe or a prayer for everyone around me, and as my body begins to soften, I remember that I have a choice in what I carry into the rest of my day.
• 18:48
  Kathie (2): If this episode spoke to you or made you think of someone who could benefit from this, please share it with them.
• 18:54
  Kathie (2): I also wrote a companion article that accompanies today's episode.
• 18:58
  Kathie (2): It includes bonus resources and more ways to explore what we discuss.
• 19:03
  Kathie (2): You'll find the link in the show notes and description below.
• 19:06
  Kathie (2): On YouTube, I'll put it in the first comment so it's easy to find.
• 19:10
  Kathie (2): Inside that article, you can learn more about The Truth Bubbles Up and find a way to contact me.
• 19:16
  Kathie (2): If you're interested in having me speak to your group or you'd like to explore consulting or individual con- coaching support, you can reach me there, too.
• 19:27
  Kathie (2): Thank you for spending this time with me on the Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast, and as you go into your day, notice where your attention goes.
• 19:38
  Kathie (2): And when resentment asks for more of it, see what happens when you offer a little goodwill and a return to this moment.