Latest / The Family Teams Podcast / Ep. 129 | Should We Be Arranging Our Kids' Marriages?

Transcript

Ep. 129 | Should We Be Arranging Our Kids' Marriages? · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  What's up, 5-Minute Fatherhood listeners? Have you guys seen that Family Team's Weekend Live is officially open? You can register. You can claim your spot. A two-day event, Cincinnati, Ohio, October 18th and 19th this year. We're going to pack 250 couples in a Memorial Hall historic theater downtown where we're going to lean in, roll up our sleeves, and we're going to be able to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a
• 0:20
  and have a workshop about building a multi-generational family team on mission. You're gonna get practical tips, you're gonna get practical tools, you're gonna leave with a family blueprint and manual, and officially you're also going to be not alone and realize there's other people who want to do the same thing as you. We want you guys there, it's selling out fast, so make sure to go to familyteams.com slash weekend to register and claim your spot. And there's also a special little discount code if you're part of our Facebook group, which you can find a link to that.
• 0:48
  in the info section on audio or the info section on the YouTube channel. So again, familyteams.com slash weekend. It's selling out fast. Claim your spot. We'd love to see you there. It's probably important for you to be an active participant in the dynamic process of how your children are going to find and choose their future mate.
• 1:13
  Hey guys, welcome to the 5-Minute Fatherhood podcast. I'm your co-host, Jeff Bethke, along with my friend and mentor, Jeremy Pryor. Join us Monday through Friday as we chat about quick tips, skills, and ways to help equip you on your journey as a father to build your multi-generational family team on mission. Stay tuned. What's up, guys? Welcome back to 5-Minute Fatherhood. I got a question for you guys.
• 1:39
  Should we be arranging our kids' marriages? I don't know if you have wrestled with this. Kelsey's laughing at me right now. She didn't know we were going to talk about this. What do you think, Kelsey? Thumbs up? Thumbs down? Thumbs up? Yeah? Oh, my gosh. Okay. So this is a bizarre conversation, and we're just going to tease this out a little bit. This is actually, I want to talk about our verse of the week. Every week we try to talk through a passage of Scripture, and I want to talk about Genesis 24. But first,
• 2:06
  We need to talk about this question. So this is interesting. I don't know if you guys have seen the culture wrestle with this question lately, but they keep on publishing these bizarre studies and they keep coming up with this result, which is that love or free choice marriages...
• 2:25
  when they study them versus arranged marriages, they keep finding that they are very similar in terms of satisfaction. And of course, it blows Western people away. Like, that can't possibly be true. Yeah. Because this is, you know, to us and to our ear, is just total absurdity. Like, the worst kind of thing you can imagine is to have somebody arrange a marriage for you. But the reason why these studies keep coming back, partially it's because Indian culture...
• 2:54
  is really becoming more and more a part of American culture and other Western countries. And in Indian culture, there's a very strong—I'm talking about from India—a very strong culture of arranged marriages. And so this conversation keeps coming up, and people keep studying children from immigrant families from India that are in the West and how their marriages are—
• 3:19
  compared to an Indian family or Indian kids that are doing sort of the free choice, more Western version of marriage. And they keep finding these results that are very similar, and that's been really counterintuitive for Western people. So in terms of how to think about this question—
• 3:40
  You know, I'm not going to say that it's a good idea to arrange marriages, guys. I'm not there yet. But I love Genesis 24, and I meditate and think about this chapter a lot when it comes to this topic. We love talking about Abraham on this podcast and him as a model father.
• 3:56
  And we have the longest description in the Bible of a time when a father had to wrestle with this question. And it's a very long chapter, and it's a beautiful story. And there's so many almost seemingly contradictory dynamics in it. I encourage you guys just to spend time really wrestling with what Abraham did when he decided, hey, Isaac's getting too old. I mean, Isaac was in his 40s, I think. He's like, this guy needs a wife. And so it's interesting that Abraham saw it as his responsibility—
• 4:26
  to be a part of that process of solving that problem and making sure that his son had a wife. He acted in incredible trust towards God. He thought a lot about what things he would compromise and what things he would not compromise. And this story is one of the most interesting stories in the Bible when it comes to balancing human choice and proactive strategy—
• 4:50
  And Abraham had all kinds of strategies that he employed in this chapter. He used one of his servants. He decided where he would be looking. He decided at what point he would stop looking. And at the same time, with all of this human strategy, there was all of this trust, all
• 5:05
  Like he was constantly trusting God. His servant who went and looked for a spouse for Isaac demonstrated constant trust that God was leading him and guiding him every step of the way. And so as opposed to just sort of answering this question, what I would say—
• 5:23
  Yeah.
• 5:43
  How that dynamic plays out is anyone's guess. None of my kids are married. We have conversations about this a lot. I care a lot about this. They have a lot of freedom, but they're also very much like talking to me and April, and we're thinking about this and praying about this and interacting about this a lot as a family team. And where does this actually fall out?
• 6:05
  Culturally, I'm not super excited about the way our culture does it, which is don't even get involved almost at all in your kid's decision in this area. I'm not super excited about the way that Eastern cultures oftentimes do this, where there's arranged marriages. But I do—I am really inspired by Genesis 24—
• 6:24
  and by Abraham's sort of thoughtfulness, his trust, and his strategic action in this area, and just trying to like wrestle and think through that. But yeah, Jeff, anything that stirs up for you as you think about this topic? Yeah, there's not much more I would add, but I think two things. I think one, like this is actually true, and this has been backed up by non-Christian sources. And like you said, it's kind of them almost being, what's the word, like surprised at the findings, and everyone can multiple over and over again about satisfaction. And I would say frustration.
• 6:52
  the first thing I would say is let that indict us for what it is. Like that is, that should, that completely is an indictment on our view of love and freedom and romance and a pursuit of what's going to make us happy. Like let that indict us for what it is because it is,
• 7:07
  a huge indictment that that like that, that our ideal or our view is just like, it's not what it's cracked up to be. It doesn't actually deliver on what it promises, the Nicholas Sparks and the notebook and all these different things that doesn't deliver. And that's clear because of the, the, the, the, the ways where none of that exists, be at the satisfaction still the same. And so I would say that. And then two, I think, yeah, I think like you said, there's like, I don't, I don't really, I think there's actually problems with both, but what I do like about the
• 7:34
  the more arranged side. Well, another thing I would say too, is do we also realize too, I think we, I do, I do think sometimes we think that it's only in the East or that it's more archaic in reality, like this was an American thing too, before like, like dating as a, as a new invention that goes back to maybe like, I don't know, 1910 ish. It was like the turn of the century. Like it was a, it was weird for a guy to show up, take a daughter,
• 7:54
  you know, have her hop in the car and then leave in isolation. Like that was, that's it. That's like the modern form of dating. And that's new and that's weird. And like, that's not what it was like before. And because there was not a ton of like then contact or hanging out, there was a lot more of like parents helping and assisting alongside the path. And that's more what I think it is. I don't, I think sometimes the word arranged marriage has a lot of baggage,
• 8:15
  But there's a softer version of it that a lot of times, as what you said, is just parents actually coming alongside and helping and assisting and being more involved. And that, I think, is something to think about and consider that does very much go against our culture's ideal. But clearly, our ideal isn't working very well. So something to think about for sure. And like me and Jeremy were saying, we're not saying there's one right or wrong, but I think it gives you some food for thought for sure.
• 8:39
  Hey guys, if you like this short content on 5-Minute Fatherhood, then you're going to love long-form interviews that Jeremy and I do with other dads just like you over at Dads Building Teams. We go much more in-depth hearing the stories, challenges, and journeys of different dads who are trying to build multi-generational teams on mission. Just go to whatever podcast platform you use and search for Dads Building Teams.