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Transcript

What is your purpose? · Self Love Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Free Spirits, and welcome to another episode of Self Love Podcast.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: A place of love, deeper conversations, and self-discovery.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get started.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Free Spirits, how's everyone doing?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everybody's having an amazing October.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: We're officially in Halloween season.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite time of the year, even though it has been a very, very crazy weather.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I have been waiting for this hot ass weather to go away because me and the heat guys, we do not mix well.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: But on today's episode, guys, I do want to talk about purpose.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Purpose, what that means, and what that means to all of us.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because my purpose is obviously not gonna look the same to your purpose or their purpose or her purpose.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: We all have a different purpose in this world, and that's basically what I feel you know life is about is discovering your own purpose here on this earth.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: For a very long time in life, I felt like my purpose was to basically change my entire family's dynamic, uh, change my family's lives, speed it for my family.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can remember as you know, being in elementary is thinking about what I wanted to be in the future, and it was always a doctor or nurse to go ahead and help my grandmother at the time that she was sick, and you know, she passed away obviously when I was in middle school, and that purpose or that dream of mine just completely you know disappeared, it just went out of the window.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it felt like I was not interested in it.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I tried retouching it back, you know, now that I'm older and I'm just like, do I really want to be a nurse?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I really want to be a doctor.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: My appet my attention span, guys, is very, very short.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: If I get if I get easily bored of something, I just give up.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: If it doesn't interest me, I feel like I'm the type of person that I don't waste my time with in because I'm just like it's just it's just a waste of time.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if some of you guys are like that, but that's just who I am as a person.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: But um, I feel like man, throughout the years growing up, I have so many purposes and so many dreams that I feel and felt like they were mine, and uh, you know, growing into them and growing older and actually giving a try to somebody's uh purpose that I thought were mine.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I I I I quickly understood that it's it it wasn't for me.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh or maybe I'm just not motivated in life, who knows?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: But um, it's just that's I I feel like that's where I'm at right now.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if a lot of you are going through that.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know that a lot of us are going through spiritual awakenings right now.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I am a lot and I have been going through a spiritual awakening in the last almost two years.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a lot of doors unfortunately have been closed on me.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I just feel like a lot of them have closed because maybe God or the universe felt like I wasn't mentally prepared for that.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've had so many great opportunities for certain things, but I feel like a lot of things always happen in my life that I just just it just doesn't happen.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and a lot of it honestly comes from insecurity.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because I've had let all these people around me dictate and tell me how I should feel and think, and you know, in dream that I started believing that a lot of my dreams were just I don't know, non-fictional.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they were fake, they were just they were never gonna happen.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if if this has anything to do with jealousy, which I hope it doesn't, because I feel like jealousy is ugly.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but uh you know therapy uh more my therapists have been I don't know if it's trying to implant that in me or or or if it's just something I can't come to terms with that a lot of the people there around me for say, for instance, like my partner or my family or close friends, um, basically a lot of it has to do with jealousy.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I keep thinking to myself the whole time a therapist was talking to me, and I was just like, What are you talking about?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, these are my friends, they're not gonna feel jealous, these are my family members, they're not gonna feel jealous.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: But she also did bring a good point.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Jealousy doesn't always mean you know, them reacting to you know to certain things, it's them always putting you down, talking down to you when you have dreams, uh, they don't support it.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, for those that say they do support you, and then you know, when push comes to shove and you need some type some type of support, they're not really there to support you.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I that's when I understood that there was different types of jealousy, I guess.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I've always thought that you know I did have support.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I do I still feel like I have a little bit of support for my friends, not much so of family members.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I give up in my family, honestly, a long time ago.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I came to understand that that didn't that dynamic is just dead.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's I don't know if I would ever get it.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I know for sure that I don't have support there.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not even one inch.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even when it comes to the podcast, I feel like ever since I started the podcast, I feel like I started having more issues with my family because I was becoming more open about I guess the dynamic on the family, on how everybody really is.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I don't feel like I've tarnished anybody's name so far since I started my podcast.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like I've talked badly about anybody.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I've reassured over and over that when I do talk about certain situations and certain people, like my dad, my mom, my siblings, uh, exes or friends.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've I've know that I've always said that, you know, does not make them bad people.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: It just meant they've, you know, had made bad choices whether they're aware or not.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, some some of them do realize and some of them don't.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I do feel like I haven't really talked bad about anybody.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've just been talking about my story, and unfortunately, you know, like my family, they just they happen to be part of that story, they happen to be part of uh of my journey, and you know, maybe they feel personally attacked.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know for a fact that I wouldn't talk badly about any of my siblings, I would not come in here and tarnish their names, even though they like to tarnish mine with within each other or with other people.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but me as a human, me as an individual, me as a soul, I don't find myself to be like that.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, uh I could have had many, many, many moments where I could have aired out, you know, all my siblings' darkest secrets, including my mother's, and you know, and some of my dad's.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I choose not to because I don't feel like what do I gain out of it?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: What what am I gonna get out of it?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna get nothing.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna feel good about it for like two seconds or in the moment, or then regret it later?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like it just I don't get nothing out of it, it doesn't help me go in any way, it just makes me bitter, like them.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It just brings me down to people's levels, it just proves to people that I haven't changed, you know, and whatever.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So how long everybody seems to think that I haven't changed, but I just I mean I I I would never I would never do that to my own family, to my own blood.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe love them from afar and maybe stop showing up and maybe not spend the holidays with them anymore.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I wouldn't, you know, go that low.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's just it's not in me, you know.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I I and I wish that my family took the opportunity to get to know the real me, the real Sergio, the real big brother, the real oldest son.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I really wished that I could have that moment with my family, but I I just don't feel like it's ever gonna happen.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I felt I'm sorry, I feel like I spent majority of my life trying to prove something to these people, and none of them are doing better than me, or worse than me, you know.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I and and I started to think to myself, like, what the fuck am I doing?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why am I letting these people that are literally self- self-sabotaging themselves for no fucking reason or for things from the past?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why am I gonna let them make me feel like I just don't matter or I not or I don't exist or like I'm not good enough for anything, you know?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just I'm starting to realize that now.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like each and every day, each and every time that I go and visit my family, it's just I feel like more and more I'm pulling away from my family because I know they're not good for me mentally, because wholeheartedly I love them.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Wholeheartedly, I crave them every so often because we grew up together, and just because we're family doesn't mean I have to be involved in everything or you know, be part of every toxic conversation they have.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I I it just they're my family.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always gonna love them, I'm always gonna respect whatever choices they've make in life.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um like for instance now, like their choice has been not to talk to me.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because the only way they talk to me is when they want to talk down to me, even in group messages, and I feel like that's the reason why a lot of me have stopped replying to this these group messages.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because I just feel like we don't have anything in common.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said before in the last episode, we have nothing in common.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I I I don't feel like being like them and and you know pointing out every single flaw of theirs because they already do that on their own.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're already self-sabotage themselves on a daily basis.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, whether they're doing it mentally, whether they're doing it verbally, whether they're doing it, you know, physically, whether they're abusing themselves with alcohol or drugs, they're already dealing with it on their own, so there's no need for me to add more, you know, fume to the to the fire, you know.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just don't, it's just I don't find it in me.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Even since I was little.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: My siblings has always been really, really evil to me since I was a kid, and I just never found it in me to just be like them.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I just I just can't.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um I can really do is just pray for them and hope that one day they all wake up and they all you know finally decide to grow and mature and be different.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because life is beautiful, guys.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Life is really, really beautiful.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I've always said this before, and I'm always gonna say it, I'm always gonna continue to say it, even now that I'm not working and shit hit the fat and shit just falling apart right in front of you know in front of my face.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, life is not that serious, guys.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Life life is really not that serious.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to stress over bills, I'm not gonna stress over a fucking job, I'm not gonna stress over this and that.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think that this world became too materialistic that everybody thinks that the only way you made it in life and you're doing better than everybody is by having materialistic bullshit and having a house and having a car, and you know, buying your mommy a cell phone or or you know, just buying people they're buying people's love.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's just what it became now.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I just don't fit in with that.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I with me, I'm I'm very I don't know if it's old school or it's just for me, I just I show my love in different types of wave, and that's me showing up for everybody regardless, and and and I feel like that's where I fucked up, and that's where I've been fucking up, is showing up just because they're family.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and the other day I came across a video, you know, a lady, I forgot what her name was, she's an influencer, she has her own podcast as well.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: She talks about just because we're family doesn't mean that we always have to show up.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: In I don't know how every culture is, but in Latinos in Mexican families, we are taught that we have to be there with our family through everything, through you know, highs and lows, darks moments, like we're supposed to stick through everything, but that's just a make-believe narrative that was created.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um I don't fucking know when, but it's not true, it's false, guys.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Just because we are related doesn't mean we're family, and it's sad to say, but I feel like that's where things are heading for me now, is that I might just have to create my own family outside of my family.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be able to create friendships where they become long-term, you know, relationships and and a family because I really don't have much support of my family.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the only family, I feel like the only family members that actually supported me were my Nino's kids, and everybody's out living their own lives, you know, as as us adults do, it's just we go out there and we live life.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't really use that against my cousins, but I know for a fact, like when we see each other, it's like the best time, it's just like we feel like kids, we're happy, it's just amazing.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I wish that feeling was with my family now.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I get anxiety just thinking of going over there, and once I'm there, it's just it's something else, it's a whole different dynamic.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's just because I'm there or it's just something that goes on 24-7, but everybody just seems to be off edge all the time.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's always irritated at each other.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: This person hates this person, this person doesn't talk to that person, it's just like it's just a toxic cycle that they're stuck in that I don't want to be part of.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, but I show up because I I love my mom.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I I I I I want to see my mom as much as I can.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, don't the thing that I feel like I learned the most out of losing my mother-in-law a year ago was the fact that I wanted to get closer to my mom.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I was any distant from her, I just I did pull away a little bit from her because I started noticing, you know, certain certain things.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: And um, just I feel like now we don't even have a relationship at all.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: That the close relationship I thought we had, it was more of an emotional attachment.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um that I don't want to live with regret.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to live with regret if I miss out on like even taking a moment to see my mom for a couple hours.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm also getting tired.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also getting tired of being the person to reach out, the person to always have to come and see my family members.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've had my own apartment with my partner for four years already.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I kid you now my family has only been here twice.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it was because you know I feel like I kind of forced them to come to to because I always wanted to have that beautiful sibling and mother relationship with my siblings.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean with my own family, but it just not working anymore.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not working for me, it's not it's not working for them.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I feel like I'm in a better head space head space now where I'm okay.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay to move on in life without them.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with losing the little bit of relationship that I have with them.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with losing the relationship that I'm in now.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because I feel like I attach myself to this relationship because I wanted to feel love, because what I was missing from my family, I wanted in a relationship, and then now that I'm slowly healing and I'm slowly, you know, seeing the issues, internal issues that I have.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, whoa, like, you know, like now it makes sense why man there's a relationship.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not saying that it's completely bad, guys, because it really isn't, you know.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's like every other couple, like you have you have your ups and downs, you know, you have your darkest moments, you have your good moments, and and and just I'm at a point where I'm at peace.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a peace where with whatever way life decides to go.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: If it's to temporarily bring me with my family, okay, if it's to be temporarily away from my family, okay to be temporarily by myself, I'm okay with that.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with that because I did it.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: I did it already for three and a half years when I got my apartment.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I spent it a little bit with my best friend because my best friend was living with me, but she quickly moved out.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't even had hit hit the six-month mark uh with our lease, and and she was already taking off, you know.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: We had gotten it for two years, I think.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, the rest is history.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I struggled on my own working three fucking jobs to pay a rent, and and you know, at the time I already have had issues with my family at the time, so I wasn't really talking to anybody, they were doing their own things and posting whatever they were doing, and I was just watching, you know, on stories.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I went through that pain already in you know, between 2020 and 2023, like I went, I mean 2019 to 2023, I went through that pain already.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know what it feels like to lose them, I know what it feels like to be without them.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: So now that I feel like the universe is pulling away everybody from me.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: What I've noticed in the last few months that I've been, you know, really praying and asking God to just align me with my purpose right now.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I noticed that God took away a lot, guys, a lot of people out of my life, and that was including my own family, and I feel like it's slowly happening in my relationship where it's still the same thing, the same dynamic that it has been from the beginning, you know.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: This person always being unsure if they want to be in a relationship, you know, four years later, and I'm just like, you know, I've been through I've been through everything with you, and you're still unsure about me.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not the one for you.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just simply not the one for you.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm done beating myself over.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: I spent years feeling like I wasn't good enough for a relationship.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: That I was the problem, that me wanting love was the problem, and then now going to therapy.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, okay, so what I'm requesting, it's nothing bad.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's just what my soul craves, is what my soul wants now, and if you know the current partner that I have now, if that's not his wants, then why the fuck are we together?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I honestly feel like he has a lot of self-discovery to do, a lot of self-intern work, because I feel like he's carrying a lot of a lot of trauma from his past, especially from his childhood.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, sadly it got dumped on me.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh because him and I already talked about this.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he's you know, he lied that he was single for a while when it was only a couple a few months that he was single.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I got I got dealt with a cards that I feel like I should have never dealt with.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: But it happened, you know.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the universe or God needed me to go through this path so I can fucking finally get my shit together, you know, and and and now that I think and feel different, I feel like I appreciate more my relationship and the partner.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: I I I appreciate a little bit more, only because I'm just like, okay, you know, there are certain situations that I didn't like that happened from either side, but I feel like it was necessary, it was necessary for growth, it was necessary for my purpose, it was necessary for my future, and I maybe I didn't understand at the moment.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, obviously a lot of us have the habit of reacting out of anger, and we react impulsively.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us react, I don't know, by verbally abusing, or some of us react by emotionally abusing, or you know, there's people out there that actually, you know, responds with physical abusing.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Abuse because that's all they fucking know.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but that's where I'm at right now, guys.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um I don't fucking know guys what my fucking purpose is in this world.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: I I really don't know.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: I just know that I feel very, very, very, very fucking lost.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I officially hit a f a wall.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't I can't figure it out, guys.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: I can't figure it out what makes me happy anymore.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can't figure out my purpose.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I l I I I came to the end of a tunnel, and I'm just like, okay, so do we go back or or what do I do?
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um but I also did quickly realize that I was carrying so much inside me, a lot of things that I feel like I was bottling in.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like the universe just purposely just took me out of a situation when it comes to work, uh, and pulled me away to focus on myself.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And half of this time that I've spent, you know, trying to survive.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: I I I I didn't realize that maybe that was the purpose.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: I keep thinking, like, oh my god, poor me, like, here we go again.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm I lost my job, I got laid off.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, how am I gonna pay this bill?
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: How am I gonna do that?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: La la la.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, thankfully, thankfully, thank God, in the universe, I've been able to figure out, you know, rent, my car, and all that stuff.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's just, you know, you know, guys, an employment doesn't last that long, so now I'm just like, okay, push comes to shove.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what am I supposed to do?
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: We're like in the worst times of of our economy right now, and that scares me.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because the last thing I want to do is dump anything, you know, to my partner, because they're already dealing with their own stuff, but you know, this also could be a test.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, cuz you know, when I don't know.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just confused, guys.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: I keep thinking that maybe my purpose is to I don't know, talk to people and and and do this podcast, but then I slowly see, you know, one moment everything's going well with the podcast, and then one minute just one moment it just stops completely, and then I'll go back to slowly going up, and then the numbers go down, and then the numbers go all the way up, and then they go down, and it's just it's a hit and miss, so it kind of it's kind of discouraging, you know, especially because I come from a background of not having any support from anybody, so like I automatically shut down and and I'm learning, I'm learning guys in therapy, I'm learning to love myself, I'm learning to to respect myself, and I'm learning to be confident and believe in myself.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I believe in myself.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, for a long time I used to it used to make me sad because I felt like I needed everybody's approval and I didn't feel accepted or or anything.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: But now, like, now that I know what I know, like I don't feel the need to approve myself to nobody but myself.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like I keep telling myself all every day, like, you're confident, you're your entertainment, you're you're everything.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, just go for it.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what are you so scared of?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for people to judge you, like people are gonna fucking judge you regardless if you're doing good or bad in life.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're doing but good or bad, guys, anybody's gonna judge you.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: Something they're gonna find something about you to judge you.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just like, just fucking go for it, just go for it.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, I'm just leaving it in God's hands.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm learning to deal with it day by day, and I'm trying not to overthink about the would-of, could've, should've the past.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want definitely don't want to think about the future because the future can always change, guys.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because whatever I have planned for tomorrow, the next day, or next week, it it it it's never gonna go according to plan.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: Something can happen, somebody can pass away in the fact somebody can pass away in your family, an accident can happen to you, like things can just happen, it's just how you handle certain situations, and I've just been all I've always been the type of person that I don't really stress over the future.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just the type of person that goes with the flow.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: I live day by day, I live in the moment every day.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe not much recently.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I've kept a lot to myself.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I've locked myself up a lot in my bedroom and I don't want to talk to my partner, I just want to be by myself, but it's just it's just me recharging is me, you know, just trying to figure out life because I can't seem to figure it out the way that I'm I'm used to, you know, the old version of me.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not like that's what I'm used to now that things are like slowly but surely, you know, kind of working out, but are not working out.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, okay, like where are we heading?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I it the road was looking foggy and my fog lights are not on at all.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta change, I gotta change those.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: But always keep in mind, guys, that just because someone seems to be doing better than you doesn't always mean that they're fucking happy.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: Just because someone is doing a lot better than you, it doesn't mean that you're any less than it's just mean you know, you everybody has their own time.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's whenever the universe feels that you're ready, is when you're gonna get blessed with those blessings.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: But we also have to put in the work, we also have to recognize you know, patterns, we have to recognize our bad doings.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, a lot of it, a lot of the things that happen to us guys in lives, whether it's a relationship, work, you know, family, any little situation, guys.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of going to a negative headspace, always think about okay, what was I supposed to learn from this?
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or why did it happen?
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I kid you now, a lot of the things will, you know, slowly but surely, like right in front of your face, I'll show you the reason why things are going the way they're going, why it happened, and a lot of it, honestly, it's for our better good, it's for us to mature, it's for us to evolve.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: But obviously, you know, we shut down, we shut down because a lot of it, you know, it it includes our family members that we we've been so afraid of losing, you know.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: But your purpose is your purpose, and it's only for you, and only you would understand it.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's no need for you to go out there and try to prove yourself to nobody, not even your own family, not even your worst enemy.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Prove it to yourself.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Prove to yourself that you can do it, that you're able to.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what, guys?
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel at it, oh fucking well, you get back up, you dust your fucking your knees because you know you fell on your knees or in your face, whichever one you want to dust off, but you get back up and you either try again if that's something that you want to do, or try something else, guys.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: You'll learn from that mistake.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: That would be the prime example of a lesson that could teach you something.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: What can you learn from it?
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: What can you learn from that failure for your purpose?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I'm learning that right now.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm learning to just switch everything around and just think about it differently.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I feel like I I catch myself being more calm and relaxed that way, but you know, it's also hard not to think about shit.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like that bills due, my car's due.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, like I just paid rent last week.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're already in the middle of October, and I'm about to have to pay rent again in a week and a half.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's how quick shit's happening now, guys.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and then the holidays are coming, and I'm just like, fuck.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: I always always have to have financial issues when the holidays come.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: And but you know what?
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck it.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'd be I I may not give the best gifts out there, but I give something, you know, like last year I give everybody uh literally everybody a uh a card, and I just wrote on it, you know, Merry Christmas, la la.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Me and my partner's name, and I give everybody 20 bucks.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, fuck it, you know, it's not much, and I know a lot of you are working, but fuck 20 bucks is 20 bucks.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: Go buy yourself a pair of underwear or buy yourself a snack or something, but it's something, you know.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: But that's where I'm at right now, guys.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to just discover my purpose.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to discover who the fuck I am now.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now that I'm a whole different person, a whole different uh mentality, a whole different uh heart.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: I I guess you can say, like, I'm just trying to discover my purpose, and uh right now I just can't discover it.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't find myself being happy with my family, I don't see myself being happy in my relationship, I don't see myself being happy on social media, I don't see myself being happy shit.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, even working.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't mind working, I'm a hard-ass worker, guys, but I feel like I need to be doing something that I actually love.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: To me, this like just be there like 1000% because I feel like when I I when I work for for places that I just not 100%, they're like I just don't give a shit.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just being honest, it's not it's not it's not being lazy, it's just more so like I see how dirty people work behind the scenes or how double-faced everybody is, and I'm just like whoa, like I don't want to be a part of this, and I know that that I don't know that that that happens anywhere, but I'm just like fuck, like this is why I'm working, I'm trying, guys, working my hardest to make a name for myself, make a brand for myself.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I do ever become a name, I know for a fact that I wouldn't carry myself the way that I've carried myself, you know, at my jobs, which it has been with attitude, guys, in the past.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Only because I just can't stand stupid, I can't stand stupid, but um, but now like I feel like I think different and I see things different and I react to things different, and now I actually bite my tongue before even speaking.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like now I can build a brand for myself where I'm just like okay, this is not how I'm gonna treat people, this is not what I'm gonna teach my staff.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even if you know, say for instance, if I become a celebrity or something, like I wouldn't want my you know, my crew around me to treat anybody any less than, even amongst each other, because that's just how work dynamics are right now.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about egos and competition.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I I'm not like that.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: I it just don't be that, but um man, only God knows, only God knows where the fuck life is taking us with everything that's going around this world right now.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't seem like shit's really gonna go get any better anytime soon.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um and this is why we just got to put in our our own work, guys, and just continue to just stay positive and push through whatever the fuck we're living in right now, because times are fucking crazy.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm and you know what, guys, and I don't really like to talk about politics or make anything you know political.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are in the United States, guys, I encourage you to go vote.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: Go vote if you really want change out in this world, go vote.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like in this last election, people did not vote, and that's the reason why we are the way we are now.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: But now we have the opportunity, guys, to speak up and you know, raise our voices and make a change, make a change for this country.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: It deserves it, you know.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: This country has done a lot of great things in the last few years, you know, a lot of great, you know, amazing work, amazing laws that came and you know, protected a lot of people and a lot of rights, you know, a lot of freedom rights.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like now we're being just shut down, we're just being cornered.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's either their way or the highway, and it's just it can't be like that, guys.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Times have changed, times are different now these days.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's it's it's time for us to stick together as a nation, stick together as a country, and fight for what's ours, and and you know, and even though this land doesn't really partake, doesn't really belong to anybody in particular, it's just it belongs to the people, it belongs to culture, you know, it belongs to different backgrounds, different identity.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just it's just us.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's no need for us to be separated, there's no need for us to be hating each other.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: Go out and vote, guys, in November, and let's go ahead and make those changes together because that is also a purpose for the future of America, for the future of our children, for the future of their children, and for our future.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because everything has a purpose in this world, but it's up to us if you want to make the changes, and it's up to us if we want to put in the actual effort and the work to make those changes.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, like I've always said, guys, before be gentle with yourself, don't beat yourself over the dumbest things, but be gentle with your heart, with your mind, and your soul.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to love you first, love yourself first, and believe in yourself, have confidence in yourself so you can finally see that purpose and go for that journey because that journey is waiting for you.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's just up to you if you want to open your eyes and open that door and walk right through it.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, guys.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, continue to pray, continue to stay positive, and remember, guys, I love you and thank you so much for listening.