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Donald Drumpf Theatre #268: The Last Last Christmas · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:08
  It's time again for the all-new government-approved Donald
• 0:16
  Trump Theater.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: No one knows what is up or down, or why legal or impeachable.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: Everything is make-believe in Donald Trump Theater.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: So let's pull the curtain back.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: We are controlling transmission, if we wish to make it louder.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: We will bring up the button.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: We can change the focus to a soft blur.
• 0:35
  You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance of
• 0:39
  things and ideas.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: You just crossed over into... For your consideration,
• 1:01
  A nation held hostage by the fragile ego of a man-baby
• 1:05
  president who we're trapped
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_03: with for at least three more years.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: The past few months have just been really awful.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: There were these ice raids and my dad's company went out of business.
• 1:28
  Then we lost our house and had to move into the old folks' home
• 1:31
  with my grandpa.
• 1:33
  It's like everything keeps changing and I really don't know how
• 1:35
  to cope with it.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-huh.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_03: And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: Well,
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_03: Jesus,
• 1:48
  it just seems like people aren't really as kind and giving as
• 1:51
  they used to be,
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: you know?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I just got some money.
• 1:53
  I'm thinking of sharing it,
• 1:54
  because I feel like that's what everyone needs right now.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like, a big Christmas miracle?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_03: Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_03: Jesus, I don't want to live in an old folks' home anymore, okay?
• 2:07
  Now,
• 2:07
  I don't know what's made you change like this,
• 2:08
  but we need some goddamn Christmas magic.
• 2:12
  Christmas magic
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: T'was the last Christmas special, and all through D.C.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Folks were drinking their feelings, especially me.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: While Christmas had once been a season of giving,
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: this year,
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: in the White House,
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: King Jackbag was living.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: No inch of that fellow was nice,
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_03: kind,
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_03: or thankful,
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: from his weird,
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: rotting hand to his large,
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: swollen cankles.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: He hated Kris Kringle, giving gifts out for free.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: Why's Christmas about him when it should be about me?
• 3:03
  While up in his workshop,
• 3:05
  just minding his business,
• 3:07
  Saint Nick got a letter.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_03: They're canceling Christmas?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_03: But we're the number one holiday.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: I simply don't get it, sir.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: How can this be?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'll take one wild guess.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, wasn't me.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_03: But I absolutely love that Santa got fired.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: The North Pole's a war zone.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: That gassy Grinch foamed?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: On Miller, on Bobby, on Hexeth, on No.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, invading my workshop's illegal.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: Good luck.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_03: The Supreme Court allowed it.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_03: Really?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 3:47
  On a cold December night high above the earth flies a big jolly
• 3:52
  man of considerable
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: girth,
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: making his way to every home under the sun in his magical sleigh,
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: Air Force One.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, you have questions for the president, but it's very late.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: He's exhausted.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: His brain is all over the place.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: So unfortunately, he can't wait to talk to you.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_03: Hello, everybody.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: Hi, it's me.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, hello.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: It's your favorite president.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_03: Hiding behind my curtain.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_03: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
• 4:29
  Beep behind the curtain is something I enjoyed doing at Miss
• 4:32
  Teen USA in 1997.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'm ready to talk.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_03: And, you know, this is exciting tonight.
• 4:38
  I took both an Ambien and an Adderall,
• 4:41
  so we're going to see which one wins.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: So just a few questions, please.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: Just spectacular.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, thank you, Mr. President.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a married man.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'm obsessed with this woman.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: See, she liked it because I'm very nice to women.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 4:54
  Mr.
• 4:54
  President,
• 4:55
  any comment on the oil tanker you seized off the coast of
• 4:57
  Venezuela on Wednesday?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, we're doing pirate now.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_03: Arrgh!
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's interesting.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: Last week I said Somalis were garbage, and now we're stealing the ships.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-oh, me thinks Ambien has pulled into the lead.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_03: But don't worry, Adderall is still in the race.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_03: So you'll continue to carry out strikes on Venezuela in the Caribbean?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_03: And, you know, we're not just targeting drug boats.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: We're targeting suspected drug planes as well.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_03: In fact, we have some declassified video from a strike.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: I can show you now.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: Do we have that clip?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: Where's the clip?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_03: Was that Santa?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_03: Not anymore.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_03: Next question.
• 5:47
  The elves!
• 5:48
  They're foreign and diners!
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: Throw them and break it!
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: And surround it with diners!
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: Stop it at once!
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: You're acting insane here!
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yum yum!
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: Christmas dinner!
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: It's rice for a kill reindeer!
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: Don't eat me!
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: I take toilet off!
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: This workshop you've got here is ugly and old,
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: so I'll make it my ballroom and fill it with gold!
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: They ripped down the workshop, chimney and all.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: They left only one thing.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_03: Wait!
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: I need his sack for my ball.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: This is the time of year we all wish things were better.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: But trust me, nothing miraculous is going to happen to anyone.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: The crib is decorated and the nursery's all planned.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: I put Polly on the diapers with all the love I can.
• 6:53
  Tiny dreams and tinsel glue,
• 6:56
  what's more special than a new baby at Christmas time?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: Only days remain until America meets President Trump's demon spawn.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_03: How Satan will give birth to the butt baby is still unclear,
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_03: but everyone knows the crap out is coming.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: On the whites and mistletoe, there's so much to be done.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: We'll drink eggnog and cocoa when labor has begun.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: So many reasons to be glad and I'll be having one.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_03: A new baby at Christmas time.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_03: I will love the baby and so will its dad.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: We will be so... Wait a minute.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: Where the hell is he?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: Donald?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_03: Donald!
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: Where is Donald?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, Satan, the president had to fly to Colorado on an urgent matter.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: An urgent matter?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: Are you serious right now?
• 7:53
  I told him this was the day we were gonna sing songs and
• 7:56
  decorate the nursery!
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_03: What is he doing that's more urgent than that?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, it's all high-level, classified stuff.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: Even we don't have the clearance to know what he's doing.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: He is such a piece of shit!
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_03: Gather round and shh, quiet piggies.
• 8:10
  It's that magical time when I like to sit by the old tree and
• 8:14
  reflect on the year past.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Merry Christmas, everyone.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: May this holiday season bring you the joy of Pete Hegseth at happy hour,
• 8:23
  the peace of Donald Jessica Trump sleeping through a national
• 8:27
  security meeting,
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: and the comfort of Ghislaine Maxwell in a five-star luxury prison.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: The world's on fire.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: The news is bleak.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: The general vibe's unwell.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: What's more if you couldn't tell?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: Democracy's gone to hell.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: And at the heart of it, here's the crux.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_03: Basically everything really sucks.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's beginning to look a lot like f*** this.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: Everywhere you go.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: We're all panicky, pissed, and stressed.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone feels depressed.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: With Klonopin and Xanax dwindling low.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's beginning to smell a lot like bulls***.
• 9:27
  And it isn't far-fetched to think that we're standing on the
• 9:30
  brink of a civil war.
• 9:35
  More health care benefits cut in a government shutdown to keep
• 9:38
  us all in suspense.
• 9:40
  Book bans are back and the world is so wacky that Marjorie's
• 9:43
  making sense.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: And interest rates are rising so they're bound to raise our rents.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: It's beginning to look a lot like hail now.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: Savings running dry.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: Take a look at your bank account.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_02: Notice the small amount.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: Grocery prices soaring twice as high.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's beginning to feel a lot like please, bitch.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_03: Please, bitch, make the nightmare.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: And good news.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: Cause humanity's on thin ice.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: With a looming climate crisis around the bend.
• 10:26
  A bunch of billionaire shoes while the working class shoes on a
• 10:29
  block of government cheese.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: Corporate downsizing and robots uprising to crush our college degrees.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: And ChatGTP's riding all the Christmas parodies.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, ChatGTP's riding all the Christmas parodies.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: Error, error, error.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: It's beginning to look a lot like funny girl.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'll be drunk by news.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: But the positive to this verse is it couldn't get much worse.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: This just in.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's about to get much worse.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_03: Damn, I spoke too soon.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's beginning to look a lot like this.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: This is all bullshit.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: Please, bitch.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: Hell no.
• 11:17
  Bye, girl.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck it.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: Let's just have fun.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: Merry Christmas.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_03: Relax, Dad.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, both.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: This is the place.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: That is the police station over there.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's where they're keeping Peter Thiel.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: All right, you just gotta keep it quiet.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody can know I want to kill this baby, you know?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: Merry Christmas!
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: Ha, ha, ha!
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: Relax!
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_03: Are you sure this Peter Thiel can do it?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, both.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: But we must find a way to break him out of that police... Shh!
• 11:59
  Happy holidays!
• 12:00
  Ha, ha, ha!
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have any spare change, okay?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_03: The government cut school funding, so I lost my job.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: And then,
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: everything costs more with all the tariffs,
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: and my health care got cut,
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: so I'm just struggling like a lot of Americans are.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_03: All right, well, Merry Christmas!
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_03: Nice.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: You're a little off-key, Elmo.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: Elmo, keep practicing.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: Are we really gonna spend Christmas in the clink?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_03: We won't be able to bring everyone presents.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, don't fret, my elves.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: Christmas goes on, even in the darkest places.
• 13:01
  Donald Trump and the right-wing media spent years claiming
• 13:03
  there was a war on
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: Christmas and that when Trump won,
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: he was bringing Christmas back.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: The war on Christmas is back.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: Remember?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_03: Eight years ago, I said there's a war on Christmas.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: They were afraid to say Merry Christmas, and we had it won.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: But now, how much can it take?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: But we will stop that very quickly.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_03: They don't want to say Merry Christmas, but now they say it.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: Remember in 2016, I was a whole big part of my campaign.
• 13:29
  In 2015,
• 13:30
  I made my first speech,
• 13:31
  and I said,
• 13:32
  we're going to bring back Christmas.
• 13:33
  Remember,
• 13:34
  they wanted to,
• 13:35
  the radical left wanted to get rid of the word Christmas.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: I said, I don't think that's going to work out.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: And we did it, and now everybody's saying Merry Christmas again.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I see.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: So everyone stopped saying Merry Christmas.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: Then you won, and they started again.
• 13:49
  But then the war on Christmas came back,
• 13:51
  and they stopped saying Merry Christmas.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: So here's what happened.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: I think you're just getting confused by the calendar.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: You see,
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_03: Christmas happens once a year,
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_03: and then it's over,
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: and then it doesn't come back for another 12 months.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: So people say Merry Christmas around Christmastime,
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_03: then they stop saying it,
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: and then about a year later,
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_03: they start saying it again.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry,
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: okay,
• 14:11
  so a year is roughly the amount of time it takes for the Earth
• 14:15
  to go around the
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_03: sun.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_03: The sun is that big shiny yellow thing in the sky.
• 14:22
  I don't know if you can hear me,
• 14:35
  but I've been kind of wishing for a Christmas miracle.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_03: If miracles can still even happen, please make it happen now.
• 14:56
  Trump wouldn't stop bitching and moaning about people not
• 14:58
  saying Merry Christmas from yesterday.
• 15:00
  He had the chance to rectify that situation and bring the Merry
• 15:03
  Christmas message
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: back at the White House Christmas reception.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: The clip we're about to play is entirely real.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_03: Again,
• 15:10
  this is the President of the United States who has complained
• 15:13
  that we stopped
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: saying Merry Christmas speaking at his Christmas party.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: We have a doctor in the White House named Dr. James Jones.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_03: Can I tell the story?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_03: He was the White House doctor during the Obama administration.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: Dr. James Jones.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_03: went on a trip to Peru with the two Obama girls.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: They wanted to go hiking in Peru.
• 15:40
  And it's known for being a rather rough place in terms of
• 15:45
  physical creatures crawling around.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_03: 28,000 people die a year from a snake bite, a certain snake.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_03: It's a viper, right?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_03: It's said to be the most poisonous snake in the world.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_03: And the guide said, oh, don't worry, we never see that snake.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's over-exaggerated, even though 27, 28,000 people a year died.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's not over-exaggerated.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: And if you get hit, it's automatic death.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: Final day, final two hours, he gets hit by a viper.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_03: This is a terrible Christmas story,
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: but it's a hell of a story because I'll tell you what happens.
• 16:27
  I don't know if you can hear me,
• 16:29
  but I've been kind of wishing for a Christmas miracle.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_03: If miracles can still even happen, please make it happen now.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, no!
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: That son of a bitch.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: I could give birth any minute.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, hey, Satan.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: You about to go into labor?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, how about you go do everything, and I'll do nothing.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, great idea, Donald.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: Just like you always do.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, God, he is so disgusting.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, he's such a pig!
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_02: A blue jockstrap?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_03: He doesn't wear a blue jockstrap.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: What does this belong to?
• 17:53
  Vance!
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: It's Vance.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: They're together.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_03: What are you talking about?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_03: They just wanna kill the baby.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_03: What? !
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_03: President Vance, so much sex.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_03: I can't understand you because you're covered in dried up milk.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: It's not milk.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_03: Ew!
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, thank God.
• 18:39
  Oh, thank God.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: Tell me everything you know.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: Now,
• 18:45
  you probably think the president eventually shifted off the
• 18:48
  snake story into
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: something more Christmassy,
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_03: aka literally anything else.
• 18:52
  But much like a Burmese python swallowing the carcass of a
• 18:56
  white-tailed deer,
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: the president kept going.
• 18:59
  The whole snake story lasted about 10 minutes,
• 19:01
  so we've put in some edits for time.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_02: The Viper misnake, it hit his jack.
• 19:27
  You do not want him to play games,
• 19:30
  but they thought he was dead three times.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: And even if you have the venom, you don't live.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: Leave the sharks alive, don't touch the sharks at once.
• 19:37
  The Viper misnake,
• 19:38
  it hit his jack and spread all of the venom all over the place.
• 19:47
  You asked for a Christmas miracle,
• 19:48
  and this is going to make everything better.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: It is?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: Are you sure?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: Of course!
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, let's get to it!
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yay!
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yay!
• 20:13
  So then,
• 20:14
  Vice President Vance,
• 20:15
  he doesn't want you to have the baby,
• 20:16
  right?
• 20:17
  Because he thinks your baby is going to hurt his chances of
• 20:20
  becoming president.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: So he convinces Drumpf to try to get rid of the baby himself.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: But every time he tries, he gets blocked by the FCC.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_03: If he didn't want the baby, why didn't he tell me?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_03: They couldn't let anyone know they wanted to get rid of the baby because,
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: Republicans,
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: abortions,
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_03: it's a bad look.
• 20:42
  So then Vance gets this guy Peter Thiel to get rid of the baby
• 20:45
  and Thiel's about to
• 20:46
  come do it when Pam Bondi suddenly finds out there's a plot to
• 20:49
  kill the baby.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: It's all crazy, man.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: You can't write this shit.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_03: What did I ever see in him?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: So then the president, he's pissed off at Vance.
• 20:58
  He says he's been lying to me,
• 21:00
  but Vance says I was just trying to protect you.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: And then they started having sex over and over and over and over.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_03: Enough!
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: The president hath deceived me.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: He hath deceived us all.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I shall make him pay.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_03: Aw, hell yeah, man.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_03: Let's go get that motherfucker.
• 21:24
  I'm starting to think that MAGA and Fox News have switched
• 21:26
  sides in the war on
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_03: Christmas because it's not just snake stories.
• 21:28
  Trump has also been telling people not to buy their kids so
• 21:32
  many dolls because his
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_03: tariffs have caused price hikes.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you can give up certain products.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_03: You can give up pencils.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_03: That's under the China policy.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: You know, every child can get 37 pencils.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_03: They only need one or two.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: You know, they don't need that many.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_03: But you always need steel.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: You don't need 37 dolls for your daughter.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_03: Two or three is nice, but you don't need 37 dolls.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: Okay,
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: first of all,
• 22:01
  Trump's brain is so clearly stuck in the 1950s because the only
• 22:04
  kid things he can
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: think of are dolls and pencils.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_03: There are three things kids want for Christmas.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: Dolls, pencils, and a pack of Lucky Strikes.
• 22:14
  I mean,
• 22:15
  looking back,
• 22:15
  I guess we should all just be happy that didn't end up in a
• 22:18
  snake story.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: You just say to your kids, you say, good news, you still get two dolls.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: Bad news, you also get two snakes.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: One stocking has the doll,
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_03: the other one has the snake,
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_03: and you don't know which is which until you reach in,
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_03: and then you either say,
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_03: hooray,
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_03: a new Barbie,
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_03: or you say,
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: mom and dad.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_03: I think this is goodbye.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_03: You notice you're now selling a $90 commemorative ornaments,
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_03: a series of them,
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_03: even though you had previously said,
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_03: and I want to quote this correctly,
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_03: who gives a about Christmas stuff and decorations?
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yes,
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: yes,
• 22:49
  and you can commemorate that moment I said that with this
• 22:52
  official Melania,
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: who gives a about Christmas stuff and decorations ornaments?
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: Available for just $99.99.99.
• 23:06
  Live from the Donald J.
• 23:10
  Trump Christmas Ballroom,
• 23:13
  it's the Chris-American Trumpmas.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: Sponsored by Paramount Plus, the makers of Rush Hour 4.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_03: Never in theaters.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: Measles greetings, America.
• 23:23
  Time to come sit on daddy's lap and tell me what I'm getting
• 23:28
  for Christmas.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: All right, little Marky Zucks.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_03: What would you like to stuff in my wrinkled red sack?
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: Six, seven?
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_03: New Santa, please.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_03: Don't mind if I do.
• 23:42
  Hey!
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_03: Vamos, Tiny Tim.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_03: Santa Claus is dead.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: Or he might as well be,
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice point.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_03: Such selfishness.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: Joy level low.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_03: Shake belly.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: What's wrong, Santa?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: He's filling my sack up with greed and with ghouls.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: When you injure my sack, I feel it tenfold.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's a spicy Santa piece surprise.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_03: Santa, we gotta convince everyone to stop giving presents to Drumpf.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: But how?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: Wondered Santa.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_03: He slumped to the floor, and that rang a bell.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: I've seen this before.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_03: Before Broken Camera,
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_03: book titled How to Fake Your Own Death,
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_03: this cell belonged to Donald Drumpf,
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: best and only friend,
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_03: Jeffrey Elfstein.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_03: Look, Santa, what do you think this is?
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_03: By Nog.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: The Elfstein List.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: The naughtiest of all.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_03: Quick!
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_03: I've got to bring this to the ballroom by Jiminy.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_03: But how?
• 25:00
  If I'm going to get on board with something,
• 25:01
  I need it to make at least a little bit of sense.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: Well, okay, Susan Sontag.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_03: We'll make sure it all lines up perfectly for you.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_03: Go ahead, Don.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_03: This is Red Dragon.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_03: I got the walkie and the cake.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_03: Awaiting further instructions.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_03: Excellent.
• 25:15
  Just stand by and we'll find a way to get you out so you can
• 25:18
  kill my baby.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_03: Let's synchronize our watches.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_03: Donald!
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-oh.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_03: You have lied to me!
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: Satan, we were just doing some charity work.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I don't think so.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_03: I told Satan every detail of your expertly crafted plot.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_03: Boof, it's your cum wreck.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_03: I stayed with you while you two were fucking behind my back.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_03: Did Donald tell you he has genital warts?
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_03: Relax there, guy.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_03: It's sinking!
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yay!
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: Just as the prophecy foretold!
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_03: What's going on?
• 26:03
  What's going on is the most exquisitely woven tapestry of ideas
• 26:08
  that you've ever seen,
• 26:10
  man.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_03: Your deception is over, Darult.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: And so are we.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_03: This child will be born.
• 26:18
  And for once,
• 26:19
  you are going to have to live with the consequences of your
• 26:23
  actions.
• 26:42
  Be grant in the name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy
• 26:49
  Spirit by this sign
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_03: of the Holy Cross of our Lord Jesus Christ,
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_03: who lives and reigns with the Father and the Holy Spirit.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: Keep your hands off my president, bro.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: Whoa!
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's Jesus Christ!
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_03: This happens to be a great man who's protecting our country from fags.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: What the hell happened to Jesus?
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_03: He's all Christian now.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_03: This man is a con artist, and I will deal with him.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: Don't think so, bro.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah!
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, this just keeps getting crazier.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_03: What's wrong, Satan?
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: It's the baby.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's coming.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, wow, y'all.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's time.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: What do we do?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_03: You've got to get him to a hospital.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_03: Look, it's the doctor.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah!
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_03: All right, we're almost ready.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_03: We just want to run a quick ultrasound and we'll get you into the OR.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_03: Doctor, we must hurry.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_03: There are evil forces at work.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_03: All right!
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_03: This guy's incredible!
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, now set Peter Thiel free.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_03: Mr. President, what happened?
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_03: I got another Christian dipshit to help me get what I want.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_03: Let's go Christianity!
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_03: Then we can proceed.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_03: We have very little time to stop the Antichrist from coming.
• 28:48
  Beth,
• 28:48
  just so you know,
• 28:49
  I don't care if my asshole is filled with genital warts.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_03: I still love you.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_03: I can't believe he turned out to be this big of a piece of shit.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_03: I seriously fall for the worst, guys.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, Satan.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_03: You need to save your strength.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I knew he sucked, okay?
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_03: I knew it.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_03: But I didn't think he would go this far.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_03: I am so stupid.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, you're not stupid.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: Tell Satan he's not stupid.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_03: You're not stupid.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_03: No, I'm stupid.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_03: I saw how he treated everyone, but I was willing to look the other way.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_03: All because I just wanted my Christmas miracle.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_03: Your Christmas miracle?
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_03: My little baby.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_03: The only thing in my life that could actually be good.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_03: But now Donald has Jesus on his side and we'll never be free.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_03: Satan's right.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_03: If the president has Jesus on his side, he's unstoppable.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_03: Now, don't be down, y'all.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_03: We have our own secret weapon.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_03: They might have Jesus, but we've got Santa.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_03: Let's do this.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, no.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_03: Here they come.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_03: What are we gonna do?
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_03: Where is the room, 6-7?
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you!
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_03: Take me!
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_03: Come into me!
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_03: Goddamn you!
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_03: Take me!
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_03: Hey kid, get out of the way!
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_03: If you want to get to Satan, you'll have to go through us.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know who to listen to anymore.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_03: All I know is I might as well help someone get their Christmas miracle.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_03: Because nobody's helping me with mine.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_03: At least that's what Christmas used to mean.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_03: Trying to make things a little easier for someone else who needed it.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what happened to your spirit at Christmas, Jesus.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_03: Let's face it.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_03: You gave up, and now you've hit rock bottom.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_03: No, you're right.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_03: You're right, my child.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_03: I gave up and I lost faith.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to do this.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_03: Hey!
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_03: Don't forget I can sue you!
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_03: Then go ahead and sue me.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not going to be afraid anymore.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_03: Excuse me, everyone.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry to interrupt, but I'm afraid we have some really bad news.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: What happened?
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_03: We've looked at the ultrasound,
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_03: and it appears that at some point when nobody was watching,
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_03: the baby hung itself and took its own life.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm afraid you can see it all in the video.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_03: The baby got a hold of some bed sheets.
• 32:08
  There's a couple minutes missing from the ultrasound,
• 32:10
  but it's definitely a suicide.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta be kidding me!
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_03: The baby hung itself?
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_03: Both!
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_03: Both!
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's a miracle!
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_03: This is a Fox News special alert.
• 32:22
  Fox News has just received confirmation that the unborn child
• 32:26
  of Satan and
• 32:27
  President Drumpf has decided to take the easy way out and end
• 32:31
  its own life.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_03: Definitely an unfortunate turn of events.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_03: Fox News has analyzed the ultrasound.
• 32:37
  You can see the baby probably considering suicide right here
• 32:40
  and then a little bit
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_03: missing and it killed itself.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_03: Obvious confirmation of suicide.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_03: You can see a little chair there.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_03: Just what babies do sometimes.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_03: And if you or someone you know is a fetus contemplating suicide,
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_03: we urge you to call Fox News as much as you possibly can.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_03: In the meantime,
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_03: all our thoughts and prayers are with the president tonight,
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_03: who will be holding a funeral for his unborn child at the White House.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, Merry Christmas.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_03: Did you hear the news?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_03: The baby's dead.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, Mr. President, we are so sorry.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_03: Happy holidays.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_03: The baby's dead.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_03: Are you okay, sir?
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's really hard.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_03: Here, have a cigar.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, Tim.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_03: Merry Christmas.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_03: The baby's dead.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_03: You're so strong, Mr. President, and you're taking it really well.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks, Tim.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks to the songs for this week's holiday episode from Golden Earring,
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: Satan,
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: Randy Rainbow,
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: Santa,
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Bing Crosby,
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: and Paula Abdul.
• 33:59
  And thanks to the clips and excerpts from Satan,
• 34:01
  Donald Drumpf,
• 34:02
  Stan Talley,
• 34:03
  and J.D.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: Vance in the crap out episode of South Park.
• 34:07
  Santa and the elves and reindeer from Colbert's canceled
• 34:10
  Christmas,
• 34:11
  The Last Noel.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: Melania Drum from Laura Benanti,
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: and other clips from Seth Meyers,
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Jimmy Kimmel,
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: The Exorcist,
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: The Wizard of Oz,
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: and other sources.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_03: While back at the vault, Trump neared maximum grift.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_03: Merry Christmas to me, and to me, a good night.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_03: Not when you see who was on Elfstein's flight.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-oh.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_03: Quick, redacted.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_03: Now let's keep it going, Bobby.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_03: Brazzam, brazzam.
• 35:17
  Whoa!
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_03: Greed level, critical, douche, douche, douche.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_03: Get me on the naughty list my whole life, Gringo.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_03: Well, looks like nice guys finish last.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: Then Trump heard a sound rising over the snow.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_03: It started in low, then it started to grow.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's not Lee Greenwood.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_03: They're free.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_03: Put that down, Piggy.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_03: You're supposed to be ice!
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_03: Bumble, not ice!
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_03: My sack is back!
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_03: No!
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_03: They're stealing my stolen presents!
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_03: Donald, you're canceled.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_03: Back to work.