Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #44: Parents as Leaders: How to Raise Strong, Confident and Independent Adults

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#44: Parents as Leaders: How to Raise Strong, Confident and Independent Adults · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_01: I'm Shari Jonas and this is Launch.
0:03
SPEAKER_01: My guest today is Janet Krebs, a speaker, strategist, and four-time best-selling author who empowers families and influencers to lead with confidence, self-reliance, and heart.
0:16
SPEAKER_01: With her background in consulting, HR, and education, Janet blends practical leadership tools with real-world parenting strategies.
0:26
SPEAKER_01: Of course, at the heart of her work is her proudest accomplishment, raising her two adult children, Benjamin and Elisa.
0:34
SPEAKER_01: In our conversation today, Janet and I talk about the essential life skills that kids need to thrive, the three seeds every parent should know, what does parenting by design mean?
0:46
SPEAKER_01: And why it's so important for parents to remain leaders in order to help their children grow up and become responsible, confident, and independent.
0:56
SPEAKER_01: Don't forget to hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode of launch.
1:01
SPEAKER_01: Let's get started.
1:02
SPEAKER_01: Janet?
1:07
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for joining me.
1:09
SPEAKER_01: My pleasure.
1:10
SPEAKER_01: Thanks for asking.
1:13
SPEAKER_01: This will be fun.
1:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:14
SPEAKER_01: First of all, I have to tell you, I love how passionate you are.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: I, you know, if if we were in an interview for a job and somebody said, what's, you know, like one of your best qualities or what's one of your worst qualities, I could use that as both.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: I can't help myself.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: I just I can't help myself.
1:35
SPEAKER_01: No, I love it.
1:36
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
1:36
SPEAKER_01: But I also love the way you've woven everything together.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: Like your teaching, your your um, your consulting, your education, your the parent of two adult children.
1:48
SPEAKER_01: I think it's amazing how you've kind of brought it all together.
1:52
SPEAKER_01: It's because I'm old.
1:55
SPEAKER_01: Actually, my first question was what do you think are the most essential life skills for a child to learn in order to become an independent adult?
2:05
SPEAKER_01: Why don't you take us right there?
2:07
SPEAKER_00: Well, it's really interesting because in corporate America today, uh, we have the hard skills and the soft skills.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: And this just makes me laugh so much because anybody can learn a hard skill, but it's the soft skills, which are actually the essential human skills that are not only required in corporate America, but they're required by each of us in everything we do.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: So I would I would land on soft skills.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: Of course, there are many.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I mean, you could name them, you know, respon uh communication, problem solving, decision making, like all of the things that are life skills.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: Those, like all of them.
3:01
SPEAKER_02: Right.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: I don't know that anyone is more important than the other.
3:06
SPEAKER_02: Right.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: I think everybody, like what I don't know, you like I could tell you what my daughter told me her most important one was to learn.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: I asked her in my research once.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: I was like, yeah, of all the things that I ever taught you or didn't teach you, like what was one of the childhood things that you took with you?
3:25
SPEAKER_00: Because I was writing the book at the time and I wanted to make sure I was on track.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: And she said, resourcefulness.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: And she said, I absolutely hated you for doing this, but you never answered a question except as it being a question.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: But you would just never tell me what the answer was.
3:53
SPEAKER_00: You'd be like, Oh, I'd be so curious to see how you figure that out.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: And she mimicked me, right?
3:59
SPEAKER_00: Like she's you know, punking me.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: Um, but she's right.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: That's I would be like, that's an excellent question.
4:05
SPEAKER_00: I'll be so curious to see how you figure that out.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: And to this day, I she just turned 29.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: We're in 2025 when this goes evergreen.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: She has rewired a house, she has done shiplap in her home, she's redone furniture all by quote unquote air quotes, figuring it out for herself.
4:30
SPEAKER_02: I love it.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: So she's like, Mom, I hated you for it because I just wanted you to answer the flipping question.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: But forcefulness is what you taught me.
4:39
SPEAKER_01: Cool.
4:40
SPEAKER_01: That's great.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: But like, and then there's time management, which we see a lot of kids really floundering with uh and organization skills.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: Uh I already mentioned decision making.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: You know, what does responsibility mean to kids?
4:57
SPEAKER_00: Like these are all integrity.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: Do kids even understand what it is to be integrous?
5:04
SPEAKER_00: No, that's I mean, that's a life skill.
5:07
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's funny.
5:08
SPEAKER_01: I I didn't know either.
5:10
SPEAKER_01: And this is how I learned it, obviously, years ago.
5:14
SPEAKER_01: To have integrity is you have to envision a circle.
5:18
SPEAKER_01: And the circle has to complete itself.
5:20
SPEAKER_01: So if you say you're gonna do something, integral is the completion of the circle.
5:26
SPEAKER_01: If you say you're gonna do something, do it.
5:29
SPEAKER_01: It's a following through of something.
5:31
SPEAKER_01: Your word is is having when you have a when you have your word, your word is your integrity.
5:36
SPEAKER_01: And when I understood that it was a visual, because I'm a visual learner, it made so much sense to me.
5:42
SPEAKER_01: It it also made me understand why my father was so bad at it, because this was a man that never followed through with anything he said.
5:49
SPEAKER_01: So it was a great learning lesson for me to understand what it meant to have integrity and what it felt like when you didn't have it or you were with somebody that didn't show it to you.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and really very so that's a beautiful illustration.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: And nobody would have a hard time understanding that.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: And who do you want to be in the world?
6:19
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that's beautiful.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for sharing that.
6:23
SPEAKER_01: Um we often use the word thriving, especially when it comes to babies.
6:28
SPEAKER_01: But what would you say uh is thrive is a thriving young adult?
6:34
SPEAKER_01: I want to give, and here's why I feel like I'm leading the witness.
6:37
SPEAKER_01: I want to give a depiction of what uh um an independent, responsible young adult is supposed to look like.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: Because, as you know, my audience is struggling with that.
6:50
SPEAKER_01: They've lost, they've they've lost their way, and they're sitting with these young adults in their bedrooms, and they don't know how to move them out of their bedrooms and into the world.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about what is a thriving young adult.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm gonna just I'll challenge you for just a second because you said what is it supposed to look like?
7:12
SPEAKER_00: And for anybody listening, like that's just conditional language that we all should try and avoid, uh, as along with the word should, which I just used.
7:24
unknown: Right.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: Um I don't know, like there aren't so supposed to's and shoulds, like each family, each child is different.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: And I think it goes back to uh like, and you and I have talked about this in pre-show interviews, like one of my favorite one of the three C's that I use with clients is to create the vision.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: And so a thriving, so like it's like what comes first.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: So in my world, working with uh let's just say a mom, uh, with like what do you see for this child?
8:02
SPEAKER_00: What is your envisioned goals, or how do you see this child in the future?
8:08
SPEAKER_00: For example, some things we can't change.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: If the child is, you know, already in the eighth grade and they are four foot seven and they are aspiring to be a professional basketball player, it's probably not gonna happen.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: And so we should probably put that kind of a goal in perspective for that child so that the expectations are realistic.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: So I would say, what is the realistic vision for this child?
8:36
SPEAKER_00: If you see them, if they're always, you know, taking all of your appliances apart, they might not be college-bound.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: And let's let's face it, you know, Sherry, come on, today we have to really question the ROI of university.
8:52
SPEAKER_00: So thriving would be working toward the envisioned or the vision for that child, young adult, and to make sure that you're on point.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: For example, if another example, if you want them to move out, then you're probably not doing all of their domestic chores for them because otherwise, now we have a situation where they have no idea how to do it.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: You know, AA laundry, how to even cook a breakfast or basic food kinds of things.
9:26
SPEAKER_00: Do they understand money?
9:29
SPEAKER_00: So is what the current environment within your home cultivating what some goals are for that child.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: Got it.
9:43
SPEAKER_00: So it it sounds a little different, I think it would be a little bit different for each kid.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: 100%.
9:48
SPEAKER_01: 100%.
9:49
SPEAKER_01: So you touched on the three C's.
9:51
SPEAKER_01: I I want you to go there for a second because I I love all your nuggets.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: I've I've listened and watched and read, and I want you to, I I want you to kind of share that knowledge.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: So even though I know what your three C's are, I want you to talk about what they are.
10:06
SPEAKER_01: And and furthermore, how a parent can start slowly uh bringing that into their home if they haven't and there's and they're like struggling.
10:16
SPEAKER_01: So what what are they?
10:19
SPEAKER_00: Great.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: Uh my three C's are create the vision, which we just talked about, so we don't need to reiterate that.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: And that actually isn't that hard, but it does require some paying attention, some showing up, being an amazing detective, right?
10:36
SPEAKER_00: Again, is it your ego or like the desires of your child?
10:41
SPEAKER_00: You know, if your child is terrible at math, they're probably not going to be a doctor.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: I just made that up.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the prerex for being a doctor is, but uh just to have some realistic visions in place for that child and be willing to change them because they will change as they develop, mature, and show you really who they are.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: Uh, communication is a second C, which is huge.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: Love it.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: Uh super huge.
11:10
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and I would call it really intentional communications.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: And again, being a really good detective uh in that.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: For example, not only say what you mean and mean what you say, kind of a thing, so that you yourself are, you know, setting a good role model and somebody that they can count on.
11:30
SPEAKER_00: Uh, like if there's a consequence, stick by it.
11:34
SPEAKER_00: Don't, don't be a quivering fish and back off of it.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: Like they need to know that you mean business.
11:41
SPEAKER_00: So communications isn't is also essential.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: But how do we here's a question back to your audience.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: How do you cultivate communications within a family?
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Uh, for example, how was school fine?
12:01
SPEAKER_00: Right?
12:02
SPEAKER_00: Like, are you asking interesting questions?
12:06
SPEAKER_00: Do you ask the kinds of questions that make you sound interested?
12:13
SPEAKER_00: Or is it just the rote questions that they that gives them permission to give you a one-word answer and then you walk away wondering why your kids won't talk to you?
12:23
SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: Right?
12:25
SPEAKER_00: Uh, these are just very simple examples that I'm pulling um quickly.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: Uh, so I love thinking about communications as being very intentional.
12:37
SPEAKER_00: Something, and I'll here's an add-on to intentional communications, knowing being the detective, knowing the style of your kiddo.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: For example, you know, we've seen this all the time.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: You've got a 15-year-old that just came back from a middle school dance, and you were excited for them, and they come in the door and you're like, tell me all about your evening.
13:01
SPEAKER_00: What was your date like?
13:02
SPEAKER_00: What was the thing?
13:03
SPEAKER_00: What did you want?
13:04
SPEAKER_00: What did she win?
13:06
SPEAKER_00: And all they want to do is slide past you and go to their rooms.
13:11
SPEAKER_02: Right.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: So a happy compromise, if that's your kid, is I'm really happy to see you.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: At some point, I'm going to be interested in knowing about the evening.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: When you're ready, I'm here to listen.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: And giving them the control and permission to facilitate the space and the timing of when that conversation happens.
13:38
SPEAKER_00: It's amazing how empowering that is.
13:41
SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, is it possible?
13:43
SPEAKER_00: I'll ask it as a question, is it possible that it feels more like an interrogation rather than an inviting conversation?
13:52
SPEAKER_00: Because we're like the dogs, right?
13:55
SPEAKER_00: Like we're like the little dogs.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: They come home and we're like, tell me about your night.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: We're all excited to hear, because it may have been a first experience, and that's not their jam at all.
14:07
SPEAKER_01: Well, listen, we all have social batteries.
14:11
SPEAKER_01: True.
14:12
SPEAKER_01: So I say, I say, you know, respect the fact that they've just been in a very social environment for several hours, and the last thing they want to do is talk about it.
14:20
SPEAKER_01: Just give them, give them that night.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: They'll come to you when they want to talk about it.
14:25
SPEAKER_01: Right.
14:25
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, I agree, telling them that you're interested, but not expecting them.
14:29
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to talk about my night after I spent a night out with a bunch of people.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: I just want to go to bed.
14:34
SPEAKER_01: I'm done.
14:35
SPEAKER_01: So kids are a lot like us.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: But we don't think in those terms, Sherry.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: You and I have a different, like we uh have allowed ourselves in our study, in our pursuit to help families, we've taken the 30,000-foot view and we've taken ourselves out of the actual conversation, out of the scenario that's playing out, to actually be able to figure out strategically what works best in this scenario.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: But when you're in it and you're an excited mom or dad or whomever, we're not thinking about that.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: And that's where the intention comes in.
15:20
SPEAKER_00: Right.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: Right.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: So that's all strategy.
15:24
SPEAKER_00: There are strategies to all of it when we take the time to figure out some good, healthy strategies for our own homes.
15:32
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but that's the thing.
15:33
SPEAKER_01: That's why I love doing what I do, because I love giving strategies, because I think a lot of parents don't have a clue.
15:41
SPEAKER_01: They don't.
15:41
SPEAKER_01: And and and one of the reasons why I actually want to talk about this, I think that it is exhausting but easier to parent a young child because there is so much information out there, so many books about toddlers and babies and even teens, and people talk about that.
16:01
SPEAKER_01: Oh, every you'll you'll hear every colleague story from any parent.
16:06
SPEAKER_01: But the second our kids become young adults, all of a sudden, if they start struggling, we're not talking about it anymore.
16:15
SPEAKER_01: There's shame, there's the guilt.
16:17
SPEAKER_01: So you keep that stuff to yourself, and so you're not learning, you're not getting other people's suggestions because you're you're not talking about it, you're not sharing.
16:26
SPEAKER_01: Whereas you love sharing the wins when they're younger, and even when they're they're not doing well, you don't talk about it.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: So I I feel that this is as when you're parenting an adult child, there's so much taboo associated with when things aren't going well.
16:41
SPEAKER_01: 100%.
16:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
16:43
SPEAKER_01: So that's why I'm always about, you know, how can we help parents to change things up, to reconnect?
16:49
SPEAKER_01: What are the suggestions that we can make for improving those love that that type of communication?
16:55
SPEAKER_01: I I want to get parents kind of back to parenting again because when they when they get shut down, whether the conversation and their kids not in the mood to talk to them, they take it personally.
17:06
SPEAKER_01: And then they see their kid is struggling and not moving forward in any way, shape, or form.
17:11
SPEAKER_01: They're just stuck in their room.
17:13
SPEAKER_01: Let's just make it a physical place, they're stuck in their room.
17:16
SPEAKER_01: The parents they start to lose their self-confidence.
17:19
SPEAKER_01: And that's why I love your concept of parents as leaders.
17:24
SPEAKER_01: Because if we can just tell parents, you know how you are when you're at the office and people respect you and you and you feel confident in your role?
17:31
SPEAKER_01: When you come home, what happens to that person?
17:34
SPEAKER_01: Where did you go?
17:35
SPEAKER_01: Why did you, why did you, you were able to help your child to, you know, eat and and put on and tie their shoelaces and all these little things, but somehow the second they become, you know, eye-level or taller, you lose your way.
17:51
SPEAKER_01: And I want parents to sit, like to stop feeling so, I want them to go back to being parents as leaders and have that just a little bit more confidence and not be so afraid of their kid.
18:03
SPEAKER_01: There, and I think the f the fear, and we're gonna talk about this also, is mental health.
18:08
SPEAKER_01: They're afraid if they push them that they're gonna push them over the edge.
18:12
SPEAKER_01: Like we're just there's just this this whole concept of parents just not being true to themselves, not parenting the way they should be or could be, or were comfortable parenting when they were little.
18:23
SPEAKER_01: So I I kind of want to talk about, and earlier we talked about life skills.
18:29
SPEAKER_01: And yes, there's the soft and the hard, and there's the shoulds and the shouldn'ts.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: But at the end of the day, one of the issues I think parents have the biggest problem with is responsibilities.
18:41
SPEAKER_01: And responsibilities are the cornerstone of independence.
18:44
SPEAKER_01: Even thinking for yourself, you know, doing your laundry.
18:48
SPEAKER_01: And yes, you want them to, you want to think about the future.
18:51
SPEAKER_01: Listen, if you're gonna be living on your own, you're gonna have to learn how to boil water and and break an egg.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna have to, you're we're thinking ahead, but at the same time, there's nothing the their parents have trouble.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: And I think I don't know why, if it's the guilt or they're just they can't stop doing stuff for them.
19:07
SPEAKER_01: They it gives them a sense of purpose.
19:09
SPEAKER_01: But because our kids are not, the younger kids are not learning responsibilities, they're they're quite uh useless in their 20s.
19:19
SPEAKER_01: So I don't know, that's why responsibilities is one of them, and yet parents have so much trouble with it.
19:25
SPEAKER_01: So I don't know.
19:27
SPEAKER_01: Do you want to kind of give me your opinion about that?
19:29
SPEAKER_00: I I'm gonna back up for just a second because you actually gave the third C, which is connection.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: So we don't have to elaborate on that except to say that connection is key and it's free.
19:49
SPEAKER_00: Like connecting with your kids is a lot easier.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: Um, we don't need to give away the whole store, but connecting can be free and essential.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to do that, so I apologize for going backwards, but it actually is foundational to what you just mentioned.
20:11
SPEAKER_00: Because if we are going to be parents that cultivate and foster responsibilities, that there has when there is strong connection, so if we're thinking about the foundation of our family, the fabric that knits us together, it is connection.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: So when I say to my child, uh, you know, let's just I'll use this as an example.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: It sounds very quip, but when my son would say, Well, mom, I did this.
20:46
SPEAKER_00: Are you gonna pay me for that?
20:48
SPEAKER_00: And I would say, Did you want to join me at the dinner table tonight?
20:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, well, yeah, of course.
20:55
SPEAKER_00: I was like, Well, that's how you're gonna get paid.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: Like in this family, we all contribute to the workings of the family.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: It's a mini community, so I'll thank you in advance.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: End of conversation.
21:06
SPEAKER_00: And he never asked to get paid for things again.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: Uh so that sounds very sarcastic and very quip.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: That was the uh, that was the climate.
21:19
SPEAKER_00: That was actually the culture in my home.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: My kids were very bright and they could roll with stuff like that.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: They were not the kinds of kids that would go crawl in a corner and cower because mom spoke to them like that.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: So I that's kind of a disclaimer.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: That would not work for every child.
21:36
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and I didn't use that when they were six, it was probably a little bit older.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: Of course.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: Uh it's like everything you just said, Sherry, is it's critical.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: It's just critical.
21:53
SPEAKER_00: How will they learn?
21:56
SPEAKER_00: That's really the I mean, that's the question, you know, when parents and we see This is all the time.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: We see it in social media.
22:02
SPEAKER_00: We see it in families, friends, etc.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: And there's just a I've done there's a common theme.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: You've probably seen this as well.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've even heard it amongst clients.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: I've done everything for my child.
22:20
SPEAKER_00: And now they're gone and they are not thriving, to use your word.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, well, yeah, what were you thinking?
22:27
SPEAKER_00: Like that, because they don't they don't know.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: And then even a better question is, how did you expect them to learn?
22:35
SPEAKER_00: Right.
22:35
SPEAKER_00: So I would ask us all, how do we expect our children to learn?
22:41
SPEAKER_00: And the hard skills are role modeling.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: Invite your kids to cook, show them how to do the laundry, all of those things.
22:48
SPEAKER_00: Like that's easy.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: That's just a if you want to do this, when you need to do this, you do this.
22:54
SPEAKER_00: That's a hard skill.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: But learning some of the other things, how to speak to other people, kindness, that's us standing in leadership as the role model.
23:07
SPEAKER_00: If you're kind to somebody when you're like here's just a silly example, I don't know that I've even used it.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: It just came to me.
23:14
SPEAKER_00: Like you're you're taking your kids to the grocery store, and we're already lamenting, oh my gosh, this is going to be terrible.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: The kids are going to be buy me, get, buy me, buy me, get me, give me.
23:24
SPEAKER_00: And on your way into the store, you see somebody walking with their cart.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: Would you like me to take that cart back to you?
23:32
SPEAKER_00: I need one as well.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you very much.
23:34
SPEAKER_00: And then you get to the store entrance and you hold the door for the person behind you.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: Your kids just saw two random acts of kindness that even if it's never discussed, it deposited.
23:47
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: So they're watching.
23:50
SPEAKER_00: They're watching everything they do, everything we're doing.
23:53
SPEAKER_00: They're listening to us on the telephone, how we're calling about the trash service that was missed, or the electric bill that you didn't get paid, and you need borrowed time, whatever it is, they're listening and watching and learning from us.
24:13
SPEAKER_01: You know, when my mother would talk to uh waiters, waitresses at restaurants, she never looked them in the eye.
24:20
SPEAKER_01: And I would think that is so dehumanizing of you.
24:24
SPEAKER_01: And I was young, I wasn't, but you know, that's just me being observant and realizing that you're not connecting.
24:29
SPEAKER_01: This is another human being, and you're not even looking at them.
24:32
SPEAKER_01: You're giving them their order, they're bringing you your food, and you can't even look up and make connection.
24:37
SPEAKER_01: So I swore that I would always talk to waiters and waitresses.
24:42
SPEAKER_01: And to the point that I wasn't forcing it, it was quite natural for me.
24:46
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I was grateful that they were standing there and taking my order, and I wanted to make sure it was right.
24:51
SPEAKER_01: And but I knew that my kids were so aware of how friendly I was.
24:57
SPEAKER_01: And yeah, sometimes they were probably a little bit embarrassed, Mom, you're talking, why are you talking so much?
25:03
SPEAKER_01: I want to say because your grandmother never did.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: I just want to say because they're people and they're they're why not?
25:09
SPEAKER_00: Like I bet you knew their name.
25:11
SPEAKER_00: You pay attention to their name badge and you address them by their first name, and they're stopped by it, and then they smile when you say, Thank you, Sharon.
25:20
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you.
25:21
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then walk around back going, Wow, like I'm seen and heard.
25:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and my kids now are very friendly with people and they're very respectful and kind, and they 100% learn all of that.
25:35
SPEAKER_01: All of that.
25:36
SPEAKER_01: Um yeah.
25:38
SPEAKER_01: So what do you think happens when kids resist giving being given responsibilities?
25:46
SPEAKER_01: Like where like, because that's the thing.
25:48
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm I I keep giving you loaded questions, but that's because I know you can handle them.
25:54
SPEAKER_01: Um, so parents have a lot of trouble, right?
25:56
SPEAKER_01: They they get to that point where and I say, like, well, your kid has to be doing this, like they should be doing this, this, and this.
26:02
SPEAKER_01: You don't have to be doing that.
26:03
SPEAKER_01: You're coming home from work, they can't find a job, you're working, and you can't get them to prepare a dinner, uh, prepare a meal or put their, bring their dishes up from their room.
26:12
SPEAKER_01: Like, what why is that so hard?
26:14
SPEAKER_01: And it's this is an issue.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: They were like, I can't force them to do this.
26:18
SPEAKER_01: And I have so much trouble with that because I don't understand what went wrong that your kids, and I I should say I do understand what went wrong.
26:28
SPEAKER_01: They don't respect them.
26:30
SPEAKER_01: Because it shouldn't be that hard.
26:32
SPEAKER_01: If you say to your kid, hey, listen, I'm going to work, I gotta do me a favor, can you do X, Y, and Z around the house?
26:38
SPEAKER_01: And you come home and they haven't stopped gaming for a minute and they haven't done anything, and you're you've had a day, I don't, I could never understand why parents that I keep saying I can't understand it.
26:52
SPEAKER_01: I do understand it.
26:53
SPEAKER_01: It's because their kids don't respect them.
26:54
SPEAKER_01: And the reason I don't respect them is because parents don't follow through.
26:58
SPEAKER_01: So if I come home, right, and you haven't done something, there will be consequences.
27:04
SPEAKER_01: And those little kids, they should that consequence should be followed through.
27:08
SPEAKER_01: And if they don't, well then they're not, they're not gonna listen to you.
27:11
SPEAKER_01: And when you ask them to to help out and responsibilities and they don't, that's that's on you.
27:17
SPEAKER_01: So, but you know, I I'd love to know your take on on things like that, not just as a mom or a teacher, but someone who's, you know, you wrote a book about it.
27:27
SPEAKER_01: Like you wrote a book about, you know, creating these these independent kids, raising independent kids.
27:32
SPEAKER_01: Like, what do you say to parents who come to you and go, I can't get my kid to do anything?
27:37
SPEAKER_00: Well, that in the examples that first of all, I agree 100, 400% with everything you just said.
27:43
SPEAKER_00: Uh, but we can change the language a little bit, because even in, and I think it just popped out.
27:48
SPEAKER_00: But if it just popped out for you in asking the question, I'm gonna say that 75% of the parents and our listeners will resonate when I say, you said, what do you say to somebody when they say, can you just do this, this, and this before I get home?
28:06
SPEAKER_00: It's not a question, right?
28:09
SPEAKER_00: It's not, well, yeah, I can do it.
28:11
SPEAKER_00: It's not, it's it's not a question.
28:14
SPEAKER_00: This is a non-negotiable.
28:16
SPEAKER_00: I will be home at 5:30.
28:18
SPEAKER_00: This, this, and this will be done, or else.
28:22
SPEAKER_00: It's almost like, are you ready to go to bed?
28:26
SPEAKER_00: Now, child in their right mind is always gonna say, Woohoo! Mom's asking me if I'm gonna say yes, mom, I'm ready to go to bed.
28:34
SPEAKER_00: Nobody's gonna say that.
28:36
SPEAKER_00: The the question, the, the dialogue really is we're heading upstairs to bed in five minutes.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: Finish up what you're doing.
28:44
SPEAKER_00: You've got five minutes.
28:45
SPEAKER_01: You know what my trick was with everything, but it oh, you just reminded me.
28:50
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it wasn't a question, it was an option.
28:53
SPEAKER_01: Right.
28:53
SPEAKER_01: Which is a question, but I'd be like, Do you want to go to bed in five minutes or do you want to go to bed in 10 minutes?
28:58
SPEAKER_01: Do you want to do the laundry first or do you want to get the dishes done?
29:02
SPEAKER_01: Like it was almost like you gave them options, but options, either one was going to work for me.
29:07
SPEAKER_00: It's a beautiful strategy, and I've used that as well.
29:11
SPEAKER_00: So for anybody that thought that my dialogue that I just shared was that, oh my God, I could I could never do that.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: That's just not my style.
29:20
SPEAKER_00: Cool.
29:20
SPEAKER_00: Again, I my disclaimer was my kids didn't know anything else.
29:26
SPEAKER_00: And so they responded to that very, very efficiently.
29:30
SPEAKER_00: So if you're just starting out, what you just offered, Sherry, is brilliant.
29:35
SPEAKER_00: The choice, because now you're empowering them to feel like they're making a choice.
29:41
SPEAKER_00: Um, I used choice when the kids were younger, so that by the time they were teens, when I declared an expectation, it was a non-negotiable.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: So we should probably frame that.
29:52
SPEAKER_00: Choices work beautifully.
29:55
SPEAKER_00: And uh that's all they're all fantastic.
29:59
SPEAKER_00: Another this is a terrible, terrible example.
30:02
SPEAKER_00: So parents hear me when I say that this is just a funny analogy, but I have a cat and I clip her nails, and people are always asking me, how do you clip Bella's nails?
30:20
SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you do that?
30:22
SPEAKER_00: No cat lets their own just clip their nails.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, she weighs eight pounds.
30:31
SPEAKER_00: I pick her up, I I kind of hold her firmly in my lap, and within 35 seconds, she just surrenders and I clip her nails, I get done quickly, and she's off on her way.
30:46
SPEAKER_00: It's like, what's the what's the moral of that story?
30:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm bigger than she is.
30:51
SPEAKER_00: She knows I feed her, and she knows I'm the boss of the house.
30:57
SPEAKER_00: And for a cat, that's pretty astounding.
31:00
SPEAKER_00: So if we if we use that analogy loosely, you know, when parents feel disempowered by children who don't listen or young adults who they can't get to to motivate, when I'll say it this way, when you've established yourself as the leader.
31:19
SPEAKER_00: So I'm making my argument, when you establish yourself as the leader, they know you mean business.
31:26
SPEAKER_00: They know you're going to follow through with whatever consequence you've put in place, and you've earned their respect for them to know that whatever it is that you are asking them, somewhere along the way, it's in their best interest.
31:41
SPEAKER_00: And that goes back to rewind, rewind, rewind to connection.
31:47
SPEAKER_00: I know that my mom, dad, aunt, grandmother, whoever is raising me, I know they've got my back.
31:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:56
SPEAKER_00: And I know that they've got my best interest at heart.
32:00
SPEAKER_00: So even when I falter, even when I fall off the shelf and I'm not at my best, I know I'm still safe.
32:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:12
SPEAKER_01: I want to touch on something.
32:14
SPEAKER_01: You said motivation.
32:16
SPEAKER_01: How do we get our kids, how do we motivate our kids?
32:19
SPEAKER_01: And I just want to kind of explain for a second to the listener, because that is a that is the I I did a survey, and that was the number one issue that parents had how do I, how come I can't motivate my kid?
32:32
SPEAKER_01: And I just want to explain this for them more than for you.
32:36
SPEAKER_01: Motivation is a feeling.
32:39
SPEAKER_01: You will never get your kid to feel like cleaning their room, feel like going for a walk, or feel like even talking to you at the end of the night.
32:52
SPEAKER_00: 100%.
32:53
SPEAKER_01: Never.
32:53
SPEAKER_01: So you have got to stop trying to get them to feel something.
32:56
SPEAKER_01: But what you can do is you get them to act.
33:00
SPEAKER_01: Action precedes motivation.
33:03
SPEAKER_01: It's not an option.
33:05
SPEAKER_01: You're not gonna, I don't feel like going to the gym.
33:08
SPEAKER_01: I go to the gym, I feel good, there's the feeling of motivation, and I want to do it again.
33:14
SPEAKER_01: I don't feel like going to work.
33:16
SPEAKER_01: I go to work, I get paid, I feel good about that, and I want to go.
33:21
SPEAKER_01: So it's action first, and then motivation is the feeling that comes after the act is accomplished.
33:27
SPEAKER_01: So I just wanted to say that because parents have to stop trying to get their kids to feel motivated.
33:33
SPEAKER_01: You just gotta do it, and then you'll feel good about what you did.
33:36
SPEAKER_01: All those responsibilities that we talk about, they actually feel good when you do them.
33:42
SPEAKER_01: There's nothing better than a room that's tidy, in my opinion, or a bed that's made.
33:47
SPEAKER_01: It feels good.
33:48
SPEAKER_01: And then the next morning, when you look at that bed all ruffled, you do it again because it felt good when it was done.
33:54
SPEAKER_01: And that's the motivation.
33:55
SPEAKER_01: That's how motivation comes.
33:56
SPEAKER_01: It's a tricky, tricky thing, but I really want parents to understand you'll never get them to feel like doing it.
34:02
SPEAKER_01: You just have to get them to do it.
34:05
SPEAKER_00: And you could put yourself in that conversation as well.
34:10
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like, Sharon, I don't know why I'm picking on Sharon.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know any Sharon's.
34:15
SPEAKER_00: That's so funny.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's why I'm using it.
34:18
SPEAKER_00: Sharon, I know you don't, I know you're not motivated to do that.
34:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm not motivated to go to work every day.
34:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm not motivated to cook dinner every night for you, but I do it anyway.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: And I always enjoy what we're eating, the time that we spend together, and the process after it's done.
34:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there's the feeling.
34:37
SPEAKER_00: But when we put ourselves in the conversation with, I get it.
34:42
SPEAKER_00: Like lots of things that we don't want to do that we just have to do.
34:46
SPEAKER_00: That's part of getting older and being a part of life or community or family or whatever.
34:54
SPEAKER_00: Like you can humanize yourselves to our kids.
34:59
SPEAKER_00: So it's like, yeah, I get it.
35:00
SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like doing a lot of things I do, but I do it anyway.
35:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
35:05
SPEAKER_01: What's uh tell me about this acronym LEED L-E-A-D on your website?
35:11
SPEAKER_00: Aha! We're getting to the nitty-gritties now.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: LEAD was really just a fun way to pull, you know, a corporate concept, if you will, um, back into the house.
35:26
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I would love to give all of your listeners a much needed raise.
35:33
SPEAKER_00: Like you are the leader.
35:35
SPEAKER_00: And if you think about it, it's, I mean, it's, you know, we laugh, but we're not just parents who do other things.
35:44
SPEAKER_00: We are CEOs, chief everything officers in our homes.
35:51
SPEAKER_00: Chief logistics, chief nutritional, chief medical, chief financial, we are the CEOs of our home.
35:59
SPEAKER_00: So why don't we just step into that posture as the leader?
36:04
SPEAKER_00: Uh, so I could make my argument in a couple of different ways.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: And I just encourage people to come up with their own acronym.
36:12
SPEAKER_00: But for me, you know, even if they just put it on their mirrors in the morning, just to remind themselves that they're the leaders.
36:20
SPEAKER_00: Uh I love like for me, the L would be like leading with love because that's our legacy.
36:32
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I I threw in a couple an extra L in there.
36:36
SPEAKER_00: So for me, the L for lead is just, you know, leading or loving as the legacy.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: I just think that's pretty critical.
36:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, and what that means is like maybe choosing your conversation that you had versus mine, you know, choices versus you will do, like make it appropriate and fitting for your family.
37:02
SPEAKER_00: Uh E for me is set being the example, not the expert.
37:11
SPEAKER_00: So it goes back to role modeling.
37:14
SPEAKER_00: Uh, but we don't have to be the experts in everything.
37:18
SPEAKER_00: Our kids, my God, that would be a horrible way to grow up with a parent who thought that they were, you know, an expert.
37:24
SPEAKER_00: But be a good example, be intentional with the with the example that you that you are leaving.
37:33
SPEAKER_00: And I gave a couple of examples like holding the door at the grocery store and taking the client.
37:37
SPEAKER_00: Like that's things that are just as simple as that.
37:40
SPEAKER_00: A in lead is being accountable.
37:44
SPEAKER_00: And I believe in that 400%.
37:48
SPEAKER_00: I talk a lot about accountability in the book, and it goes along hand in hand with consequences.
37:54
SPEAKER_00: Uh, but I think we accountability is huge, holding ourselves accountable for the things that we say and do by modeling than holding our kids accountable for the things that they say they're going to do, just like you were talking about earlier.
38:10
SPEAKER_00: Uh and D is really goes along with vision, but it it can be twofold.
38:17
SPEAKER_00: Desired outcomes.
38:20
SPEAKER_00: Uh I think is huge, just knowing what you want that desired outcome to be.
38:26
SPEAKER_00: So that goes along with vision.
38:29
SPEAKER_00: Uh, but D can also be for those that are interested.
38:33
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I've actually worked with a group of extraordinary parent coaches, I'm not even sure you and I talked about this, who have redesigned the disc corporate assessment for families.
38:46
SPEAKER_00: So if you understand the personality disc assessment that is has been used in corporate America for a very long time, there is a version available for families to use so that they not only understand themselves better, but their kiddos.
39:02
SPEAKER_00: Because when you understand that, you know, like my son is a high eye, he is an inspirer, he is a dreamer, he thinks big dreams and always has.
39:14
SPEAKER_00: He's never actually done the exam, but I I know him, and so I can already tell he's a high eye.
39:22
SPEAKER_00: I, you know, and I have an eye quotient in me, but and I love to daydream, and I'm a big dreamer.
39:31
SPEAKER_00: I have big dreams, but I that's not my dominant.
39:35
SPEAKER_00: But just understanding that has been an interesting uh discovery, even in the later, like in the last decade.
39:45
SPEAKER_00: So just so for me, it would be either of those two options.
39:50
SPEAKER_00: If you're a person that loves data, D can be get more data and do an assessment about who you are and who your kids are, or keep it loose and just stick with desired outcomes, which may include doing the assessment.
40:06
SPEAKER_01: Can we just go back for a second?
40:08
SPEAKER_01: I want it, I want your opinion on consequences.
40:11
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
40:12
SPEAKER_01: Tell me what you what's your take on them?
40:15
SPEAKER_00: Uh, that's a really that's that's like a whole dissertation.
40:19
SPEAKER_00: We could spend an hour.
40:20
SPEAKER_00: So ask me a more specific question.
40:23
SPEAKER_01: Um so I have this um, I have this living together uh guide that I feel like a lot of parents they need a starting point when they come to me and they can't get their kid to do anything.
40:36
SPEAKER_01: And we're talking about even things like showering, right?
40:40
SPEAKER_01: They're they're just really in a bad place.
40:42
SPEAKER_01: And it's whether or not they're if they're if they're saying that they're depressed, well, they're not even taking their medication.
40:48
SPEAKER_01: They're just not doing anything.
40:49
SPEAKER_01: So they're really in a dark place, or they're gaming too much, or they're just they say they're they they're looking for a job, but they're actually not really looking for a job.
40:58
SPEAKER_01: They get one rejection that just flattens them.
41:00
SPEAKER_01: So I I put this together, this this living together guide, and it it lists a whole bunch of responsibilities, not just chores around the house, but personal care responsibilities and you know, um, a whole bunch of stuff.
41:14
SPEAKER_01: But I talk about consequences because I think that one of the what happens is parents stop with the consequences.
41:21
SPEAKER_01: They go, I can't get them to do this.
41:22
SPEAKER_01: I go, well, what happens if they don't?
41:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, what do you mean?
41:25
SPEAKER_01: Well, what happens if they don't?
41:27
SPEAKER_01: Well, what can I say?
41:28
SPEAKER_01: I can't kick them out.
41:31
SPEAKER_01: There are things that you can do and say that your kid will go, if I don't do that, then this will be the consequences.
41:39
SPEAKER_01: And I was just wondering what you felt about about consequences.
41:43
SPEAKER_00: You said that there are things you can do.
41:46
SPEAKER_00: I'll even say it more powerfully, uh, because obviously I'm at the point in this mission where disruptive language is very necessary.
41:55
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna lose like two generations of kids if we don't step it up.
42:00
SPEAKER_00: Uh, not what we can do, what we must do.
42:04
SPEAKER_00: Like it's that urgent, Sherry.
42:08
SPEAKER_00: We and I'm responding to what I'm hearing and feeling from parents and families that I'm working with.
42:14
SPEAKER_02: Right.
42:15
SPEAKER_00: It's that urgent.
42:17
SPEAKER_00: So it's not a can anymore, it's a must.
42:21
SPEAKER_00: And consequences are critical.
42:27
SPEAKER_00: Punctuate.
42:28
SPEAKER_00: Consequences are critical.
42:30
SPEAKER_00: You said it.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: What happens if I don't?
42:33
SPEAKER_00: Right.
42:33
SPEAKER_00: If nothing happens, then it's an empty promise, it's an empty uh request, it's all just empty.
42:42
SPEAKER_00: And then it starts sounding like, and for your listeners who are younger, you might not know this, but look it up because you'll understand, Charlie Brown's teacher.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: My mother is always saying this, always that wah wah wah.
43:00
SPEAKER_00: They don't hear you anymore.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: Right.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: And you've lost your credibility, you've lost respect, and you've lost your posture as a leader, which is why maintaining that maintaining that posture as a leader is so critical, right out of the gate.
43:16
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that you're, you know, mean.
43:25
SPEAKER_00: Okay, like, and it doesn't mean that like you're a bad badass.
43:29
SPEAKER_00: It means you're a great badass.
43:31
SPEAKER_00: Like kids would be like, yep, that's my mom.
43:35
SPEAKER_00: You know, if anything that I have said uh in this conversation with you has turned off people, I get it.
43:44
SPEAKER_00: Because I have very strong opinions about these things.
43:48
SPEAKER_00: But I'm gonna be 62.
43:49
SPEAKER_00: So it's like I know a thing or two about what I'm talking about.
43:53
SPEAKER_00: And my kids, as much as I may have embarrassed them by speaking to waiters and waitresses like you talked about.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: That's why I smiled when you were saying that.
44:02
SPEAKER_00: They also were just like, Yep, that's my mom.
44:05
SPEAKER_00: Yep, that's my mom.
44:06
SPEAKER_00: And what that infers is, yep, she's a badass.
44:11
SPEAKER_00: We don't mess with her.
44:13
SPEAKER_00: Not out of fear, but out of respect and out of, she's got my back.
44:19
SPEAKER_00: Because they made tons of mistakes.
44:22
SPEAKER_00: And they, you know, if we want to use the word failure, of course, that's the whole point.
44:28
SPEAKER_00: But anytime they came home with that, it was please do this now before you leave.
44:34
SPEAKER_00: This is your learning lab.
44:36
SPEAKER_00: So your mistakes, this is all part of the education that you get in life before you leave and try and do it on your own.
44:46
SPEAKER_00: So consequences are essential.
44:50
SPEAKER_01: I love that you said learning lab because I read I saw that you do that, and I'm so glad you mentioned that.
44:55
SPEAKER_01: But yes, the learning lab is the home.
44:58
SPEAKER_01: It's the home.
44:58
SPEAKER_01: And if we don't give, if there are no consequences in the home, well, there's going to be consequences when they go to work.
45:04
SPEAKER_01: Because if they don't do something or they do something that's inappropriate, there they could get fired.
45:10
SPEAKER_01: There's consequences when you're driving a car.
45:12
SPEAKER_01: If you if you drive on the wrong side of the street, you get killed.
45:15
SPEAKER_01: If you don't follow the speed limit, everything is consequences.
45:20
SPEAKER_01: If you don't talk nicely to people, they won't be your friends anymore.
45:23
SPEAKER_01: Like there's a constant consequence.
45:25
SPEAKER_01: So why would we not establish consequences in the home?
45:29
SPEAKER_00: And we like, you know, actually, think about it the other way as well.
45:33
SPEAKER_00: We like consequences because that's what keeps us safe.
45:37
SPEAKER_00: Right.
45:38
SPEAKER_00: If I do this, then this is going to happen.
45:41
SPEAKER_00: When I do that, this happens.
45:44
SPEAKER_00: So therefore, I get to make the decision about what is going to be in my best interest.
45:49
SPEAKER_00: Like it works both ways.
45:51
SPEAKER_00: It's consequences are not punishments, they're guides.
45:55
SPEAKER_00: They keep us in an order in a like like it's an orderly environment, but it keeps us safe because we know when we cross the line, like a boundary, when we cross it, no, we're no longer safe.
46:12
SPEAKER_00: Right.
46:12
SPEAKER_00: That's what boundaries do.
46:14
SPEAKER_00: They keep us safe, they give us the guidelines of where to operate within.
46:19
SPEAKER_00: And so we stay safe.
46:21
SPEAKER_00: It's the same thing with consequences.
46:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I better not do that because I know if I do that, I may blank.
46:28
SPEAKER_00: It's like, yeah, this is this is a great MO.
46:31
SPEAKER_01: Right.
46:32
SPEAKER_01: Consequences of in a being in a loyal relationship.
46:34
SPEAKER_01: If you cheat, then the consequence is that your partner doesn't want to be with you.
46:38
SPEAKER_01: There's no reason in the world why we should not give our children consequences.
46:43
SPEAKER_01: We're trying.
46:44
SPEAKER_00: Let's if you use that as an example, that's a perfect example because that's like a great teen example, right?
46:51
SPEAKER_00: My girlfriend, my boyfriend cheated on me.
46:54
SPEAKER_00: But you know what they're really saying?
46:56
SPEAKER_00: You're making my point when you use that example.
47:00
SPEAKER_00: That person no longer feels safe in that relationship.
47:05
SPEAKER_00: The boundary was pushed, and so therefore, I no longer feel safe.
47:11
SPEAKER_00: A perfect example of a boundary providing safety and security.
47:15
SPEAKER_00: And when the boundaries are pushed, oftentimes it compromises compromises feeling safe and secure.
47:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
47:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
47:26
SPEAKER_01: Um I I do you touched on this, but I want to, I do, I do want to kind of like close with this.
47:34
SPEAKER_01: That whole concept of of parenting by design.
47:39
SPEAKER_01: I love that.
47:40
SPEAKER_01: And I really want parents to understand that it's okay to go into this with the end game in mind.
47:48
SPEAKER_01: When my children were born, obviously, I mean, I have a couple of psych degrees, so I knew what I was getting into, but I I really was excited to be a mother.
47:57
SPEAKER_01: I was really like that's all I really cared about at that point in my life.
48:01
SPEAKER_01: But I I didn't.
48:03
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah?
48:03
SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to be a mom.
48:05
SPEAKER_01: I did.
48:06
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be a leader.
48:08
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's so funny.
48:09
SPEAKER_01: I wanted to be a mom.
48:09
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be a leader.
48:10
SPEAKER_01: But that's why a mom is a leader.
48:13
SPEAKER_00: I know.
48:13
SPEAKER_00: Then I realized I could be a I could be a a mom because parenting is leadership.
48:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
48:20
SPEAKER_01: And that's why I love how you fused it all together, like this leadership quality that you have, and then becoming a mom and saying, hey, parents are leaders.
48:28
SPEAKER_01: When my children before they were born, I knew that I was raising adults.
48:33
SPEAKER_01: Yes, 100%.
48:35
SPEAKER_01: It was the it was always, I of course I want my children to live with me forever, but that what's what's what's what's what does that serve?
48:43
SPEAKER_01: Because when I'm not here, what's gonna happen to them?
48:46
SPEAKER_01: So it's so selfish when parents say, I want them to live with me forever, but you're not going to live with you, with you're not gonna live forever.
48:53
SPEAKER_01: And so what's your child gonna do without you?
48:55
SPEAKER_01: So we are raising adults from inception.
48:59
SPEAKER_01: We are creating responsible, independent, kind, uh courageous.
49:06
SPEAKER_01: We're creating adults that are gonna go out to the world.
49:08
SPEAKER_01: And I always say this, and I'm uh was a lot like you.
49:11
SPEAKER_01: I didn't care if I was a little bit not abrasive.
49:14
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I was the most, I was not abrasive in the way, but I always said the world is gonna take my child, chew them up, and spit them out.
49:21
SPEAKER_01: And I'm going to make sure that that's that that that they're gonna be as as protected as possible by their own inner confidence.
49:31
SPEAKER_01: When my kid was three years old and he came home, not three, five, and he came home from school, and I said, What's the matter?
49:36
SPEAKER_01: And he goes, the boys are mean to me.
49:39
SPEAKER_01: And I said, What do you mean?
49:40
SPEAKER_01: I go, boys were not nice to me, mommy.
49:42
SPEAKER_01: And I go, here's the thing.
49:44
SPEAKER_01: Tomorrow morning and every single day for the rest of your life, before you get dressed, I want to, I want you to put your I don't give a shit shield on.
49:54
SPEAKER_01: And he was five.
49:55
SPEAKER_01: And he was like, Oh my God.
49:57
SPEAKER_01: Because to him, the SH word was shh uh shut up.
50:00
SPEAKER_01: So when I said I put your I don't give a shit shield on, he was like, I said, but listen, that's just between you and I.
50:06
SPEAKER_01: But that way, when you go out into the world and somebody hurts your feelings, you don't give a shit because you've got your shield on.
50:13
SPEAKER_01: And those are the little life lessons that I taught my kids from very, very young, because I always knew that I was raising an adult.
50:23
SPEAKER_01: And that's and that's it.
50:26
SPEAKER_00: That's but that's where we thank you for saying that, because I actually use that.
50:32
SPEAKER_00: That's I think that's actually on the cover of my book, Raising the Standout Adults of Tomorrow.
50:38
SPEAKER_00: Uh because we are not raising kids, we're raising adults, and therein lies a very critical, essential distinction between how we have shifted our parenting.
51:00
SPEAKER_00: Our parents, yours and mine, they knew they were raising adults.
51:08
SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the way, we became obsessed with this little with with a shift in raising the kids, and then we figured once they were, you know, in high school, they were gonna figure out the rest on their own.
51:22
SPEAKER_00: And it no, like it's an ongoing thing.
51:26
SPEAKER_00: We're raising adults to be released into the world, yeah, and be productive, hopefully, yeah, and for themselves.
51:35
SPEAKER_00: So thank you for saying that.
51:36
SPEAKER_00: That is a critical distinction.
51:38
SPEAKER_00: We are not raising kids, right?
51:41
SPEAKER_00: And the parents are kids, we raise adults, yeah.
51:44
SPEAKER_01: And and parents as leaders, if if we can just bring that back to to like who you are, knowing that and leading by example, right?
51:54
SPEAKER_01: You're not like leading as in controlling.
51:57
SPEAKER_01: You're not, we're not asking, we're not saying you have to be controlling.
52:00
SPEAKER_01: In fact, on the contrary, I I look at leadership as parent in parenting as almost like, well, you're gonna dance the way you want to dance, your own style, but I'm gonna show you how to dance.
52:11
SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna show you because I'm I'm I'm the leader and I'm gonna set set an example on on how to dance, but then you go, you go and you knock yourself out on that dance floor.
52:20
SPEAKER_01: You dance your way, but at least I'm gonna show you how or make you feel good about dancing.
52:27
SPEAKER_01: And that might be a really weird example, but it's a great example.
52:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's like when parents don't want to teach their kids how to swim.
52:34
SPEAKER_01: They're like their kid says, I don't they teach the kid, the kid says, I don't want to swim, I'm afraid to swim.
52:38
SPEAKER_01: And the parent goes, Okay, I'm not gonna make you.
52:41
SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
52:42
SPEAKER_01: It's a life skill, it's not an option.
52:45
SPEAKER_01: Drive, just not an option.
52:47
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be there's so much, you're gonna be thrown into the water one day and like, well, I didn't want to.
52:50
SPEAKER_01: And yeah, my mother said I didn't have to.
52:52
SPEAKER_01: No, no, you actually have to.
52:54
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna swim with you though.
52:56
SPEAKER_01: I won't make you go in by yourself.
52:57
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna go in one step at a time until we get there, and I'll swim with you.
53:01
SPEAKER_01: And then you're gonna realize it's really fun to swim, and you're gonna learn how to do a life skill, a hard life skill.
53:07
SPEAKER_00: Right.
53:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's why I always say, and you know this, I think this is where we started, even the first time we spoke.
53:14
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and you just made the point.
53:17
SPEAKER_00: Leadership is a posture, it's not a position.
53:21
SPEAKER_00: When we adopt that posture in everything we do, this is when we change lives.
53:29
SPEAKER_01: It starts with you.
53:32
SPEAKER_01: Janet, I I I want, I know we have to wrap up soon, but there is just there's so much that you have on your website.
53:37
SPEAKER_01: And I really want to just for for just a second, if you can talk talk about uh you talked about uh kicking the mental health crisis to the curb.
53:47
SPEAKER_01: I mean, you have all these wonderful little nuggets.
53:49
SPEAKER_00: So you know, that was actually that's a talk I've that I can still do.
53:54
SPEAKER_00: I've I've delivered it before.
53:56
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and we you actually touched on it earlier.
53:59
SPEAKER_00: Uh and we've flirted in and out of the conversation, even in this interview.
54:08
SPEAKER_00: But kicking the mental health crisis to the curb is done, can be done very easily.
54:18
SPEAKER_00: And here's the secret sauce.
54:21
SPEAKER_00: And you mentioned it earlier.
54:23
SPEAKER_00: You were the first in this interview to talk about being seen and heard.
54:28
SPEAKER_00: Did you know that the majority, I don't, the the number used to be 70 something percent?
54:35
SPEAKER_00: So let's just say it's that.
54:37
SPEAKER_00: Let's say 75%.
54:39
SPEAKER_00: 75% of all people that report self-report as having some sort of mental health concern, anxiety, whatever it is, the number one reason is because they don't feel seen and heard in their lives.
54:55
SPEAKER_00: So the question then goes back to the leader how do is there something I can do?
55:02
SPEAKER_00: How can I foster my child, my young adult, my whomever, um, to feel seen and heard?
55:09
SPEAKER_00: And it's free and it's so simple.
55:14
SPEAKER_00: But when we understand that being seen and heard is an integral part of the mental health crisis, then we know where to start.
55:26
SPEAKER_00: Asking better questions, be an effective communicator.
55:30
SPEAKER_00: Many of the things that you could pull out of this interview could be solutions towards kicking the mental health crisis to the curb.
55:42
SPEAKER_00: Getting kids out of their room, out of isolation, being seen and heard, quality questions, not objective, subjective questioning, being interested in people's lives.
55:58
SPEAKER_01: That's why that's why community is so important.
56:01
SPEAKER_00: Community is key, and family is community.
56:04
SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean that you have to have a big family.
56:07
SPEAKER_00: A single mother with a son is community.
56:12
SPEAKER_00: I don't want for a second anybody to say, you know, oh, but my situation is different.
56:18
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what the composition is, whether grandparents are raising children, aunts, single parent, uh, affluent, or struggling financially.
56:29
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't cost anything to help our kids connect and be seen and heard in the world.
56:35
SPEAKER_00: We hear these stories all the time, Sherry.
56:40
SPEAKER_00: We have to start thinking about what we can do to fill in these gaps, to build bridges so that the mental health crisis can just completely be eradicated.
56:53
SPEAKER_01: I think we're gonna end it there.
56:56
SPEAKER_01: Because otherwise we could go on and on and go on.
56:59
SPEAKER_01: It's I've I've got endless, endless, endless things I want to ask you.
57:04
SPEAKER_01: But um yeah, I I think we've given our listener enough to think about.
57:10
SPEAKER_01: Um, maybe even give them hope that it yeah.
57:15
SPEAKER_01: Because that's what they need, you know.
57:17
SPEAKER_01: They little, they need they listen, you and I are obviously cut from the same cloth.
57:21
SPEAKER_01: We're both a little tough.
57:23
SPEAKER_01: But at the end of the day, I think our I think if the parents had a choice whether they were going to go with someone soft or someone tough, they would they would come on team tough because we're we're we're only our we have the best interests at heart.
57:35
SPEAKER_01: We only want to make our kids resilient and be able to cope in the world.
57:41
SPEAKER_00: So well, and here's the other thing that I would say to parents when you're talking about team soft or hard, is what you're doing working?
57:53
SPEAKER_00: And if not, what shifts can be made so that things will transform, things will change?
58:03
SPEAKER_00: I that's a very personal discussion.
58:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, this is why there are people in the world like us that are coaching through this.
58:11
SPEAKER_00: I would strongly encourage parents not to go on social media and ask these questions because two things happen.
58:21
SPEAKER_00: You either you either participate in the echo chamber of everybody agreeing with you, or you get your feelings hurt by all of the people who decide to disagree with you.
58:31
SPEAKER_00: So if you really just want quality information, speak to somebody that you trust that actually has the experience to pull you out of the storm.
58:41
SPEAKER_00: Right.
58:42
SPEAKER_00: But if, and that's only if what you're currently doing is not giving you the results that you are hoping for.
58:49
SPEAKER_00: Right.
58:50
SPEAKER_00: If everything is great, then God bless you.
58:53
SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, all power to you.
58:55
SPEAKER_00: Carry on.
58:56
SPEAKER_00: But if there are some challenges, then there's lots of options to get yourself out of it.
59:04
SPEAKER_00: 100%.
59:06
SPEAKER_01: Janet, Sherry.
59:10
SPEAKER_01: I hope we do this again.
59:12
SPEAKER_01: I hope we do this again.
59:14
SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I'm gonna leave all your contact information in the show notes, but I really do believe that you have 61, 62 years.
59:23
SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding.
59:24
SPEAKER_01: It's such such great um pieces of wisdom that you've you know brought forward.
59:29
SPEAKER_01: And I love that you were able to kind of share it with the listener.
59:32
SPEAKER_01: So thank you.
59:34
SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you for the opportunity.
59:36
SPEAKER_01: We will be in touch.
59:39
SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Janet.
59:41
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
59:42
SPEAKER_01: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
59:51
SPEAKER_01: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
59:57
SPEAKER_01: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
1:00:02
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1:00:11
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1:00:15
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1:00:21
SPEAKER_01: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
1:00:26
SPEAKER_01: Talk to you soon.