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How Women Build Real Confidence · Divas That Care Network

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's Divas That Care Radio.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Stories, strategies, and ideas to inspire positive change.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Divas That Care, a network of women committed to making our world a better place for everyone.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is a global movement for women by women engaged in a collaborative effort to create a better world for future generations.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: To find out more about the movement, visit divas that care.com after the show.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, though, stay tuned for another jolt of inspiration.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to Confidence in Bloom, the space where women step into their power, release self-doubt, and bloom into the life they were meant to live.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Today we have an extraordinary guest, Alyssa Blondin, a multifaceted creator, author, and writing coach, founder of The Feathered Pen, and author of Confessions of a Ghostwriter: How to Tap into Higher Consciousness to Write Your Book, named one of Amazon's most gifted books in 2023.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Alyssa is here to talk about being unapologetically unique, owning your story, embracing your differences, and showing up as your most authentic self.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Whether you're a writer, a creator, or just someone ready to step into your full confidence, this episode is packed with insights, inspiration, and practical ways to unleash your individuality.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now let's dive in.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome, Melissa.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much, Tina.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for having me.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, of course.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's my pleasure.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm loving getting to know you.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: So this is great.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I want to know when did you first realize that being different was actually your strength and not something you should hide?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I think it happened a few years ago.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: I was doing one of those personality tests at work, and the woman said, I've never met someone like you.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: You are so strong in blue and you are so strong in yellow, and they're completely opposite.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like one is, I love spreadsheets.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: Please, I need quiet, leave me alone.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: And the other one is, hey, how's your morning?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: How's your vacation?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_02: Tell me about your dog, right?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: So, how can it be possible that you could be both things?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I remember feeling really weird, but then uh someone else commented and said, that's probably why you can help people understand one another because you see it from both ends.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: And then I realized that me being different was actually a positive because I could see where everyone else was coming from and kind of be that middle place to bring everyone to.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: And and you know what?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're all different.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: We all want to be the same, right?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And until we hit a certain age, but we're all different, right?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: There's no two people that are exactly the same.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of us have a hard time with that.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we we all uh one of the basic human needs is that need for belonging, right?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: And that's why in junior high, uh, being the same and uh being different are treated so differently.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: I know I'm using a lot of hand signals, so I'm trying to use my uh yeah, but it's but it's true, right?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like you junior high is a perfect example because that's when we start to notice that we're different, right?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, she's she doesn't wear what I wear, or actually it was more like she doesn't fit into what I wear, right?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Right, yeah, I had heard a podcast yesterday and they were talking about you know how body shaming is becoming, you know, an epidemic in young kids before preschool.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what is wrong with people?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Right, but but that's when we start to notice it's you know, she's very different from me, right?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's when your good friends become not so good friends, right?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: I remember someone, um, she was actually one of the popular kids, so to speak.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: And my hair, I had done it.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: You remember the like 1990s really high bangs?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, yes.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: You look like you walked into a wall.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I remember those.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: So I came to school like that, and I had this like chain and was wearing like one of those bodysuits that clips at the waist and like the the red pants and the dockers, like and she looked at me and she goes, You look like me.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: I think we can be friends, right?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: And it's like she didn't know who I was.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: We had gone to junior high together, uh, but all of a sudden I was like, okay to be in the in-group.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: And that's when I started to reel, I felt flattered and I felt, oh wow.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: And then when I got home, I'm like, wait a minute, she's not very nice.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be friends with that person, right?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: So the need to fit in, though, it almost outweighed that need to be myself.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: And and truthfully, you didn't fit in.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: You looked like you fit in, right?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the difference, and of course, as we get older, we start to realize that, and that's when we get smart, right?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: And we're like, Yeah, I don't need that kind of stuff in my life.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now, many women they when they tell their story, and you know this because you've heard women's story with writing, uh, we hold back lots of parts of our stories and for different reasons.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm I'm curious to know what you think that you know women are the most afraid of, and what can they do or how can they start owning it, like their story without apology?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: I think in general, women are most afraid of revealing something that will make them um be seen in a different light.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like we we're all still in that um, like I had no idea you were a smoker.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: I had no idea you were promiscuous, like all the things that society tells us is wrong, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: Um, we're afraid to reveal those because we think we'll be ostracized for it.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: But it's actually those things that um we did to cope, or those things that made us who we are that other women can identify with because we've all been through things.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: Our stories might be different, but there are similarities in um strategies we used to survive, strategies we used to thrive that have that similarity.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: So it actually helps us fit in better.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: And and I think also too, like um we all cope in different ways.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: And this helps me cope, right?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Even though like I might do the same behavior, I might have the same actions, but I use it for a different coping, right?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas like smoking, like I don't like smoking.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: I tried it, I'll be honest, right?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: When I was a kid, I you know tried it and I used to bump cigarettes off my friends, and I'm like, this is so gross, but I wanted to look cool, right?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to look cool, and I really thought that I was looking cool, but yet when I looked at all the people in my life that were smoking, it grossed me out.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was like, that is so disgusting, but yet behind the scenes I was trying it because I wanted to be like my friends, right?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Again, because you know, that's we we do that, but it was disgusting.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I don't like this.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: And then my band teacher said that when you kiss someone who smokes, it's like kissing an ashtray.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, girls looking for boys, they don't want to be feeling like they're an ashtray.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: So that that was off my list, right?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, I mean, obviously, that wasn't, you know, I could I did it wasn't kissing the boys, but it it just the idea of it, right, just grossed me out.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I never tried it again, right?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because we do shit stupid things, right?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's what you're young for, right?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and it's again it you hit it on the nail there or the nail on the head.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's that wanting to fit in, that wanting to be like, yeah.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: Oh back on all the things I did when I was young just to fit in, and oh, I shake my head.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right, like seriously.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: I remember wearing my dad's leather jacket, right?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: So that I could be like a headbanger, right?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because I wanted to fit in with that group for a period of time.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: And then I think about it, go, you're so dumb, right?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: When I think back, like I'm sure we can all say when we look back at our young days, we'll roll our eyes and say, What were we thinking?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now, comparison, we know is a confidence killer, right?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: What is one mind shift um or practice that you can um you know fill our listeners in with that might help someone break free from that?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: Uh comparison is definitely the thief of joy for sure.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_02: Um one thing that really I focused on, we all have our unique gifts and talents, right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, and for example, I remember seeing someone jumping off the the 10-meter board at Lindsay Park, I think is what it was called at the time.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: And I so wanted to do it, but I was terrified of doing it.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but I I was comparing myself with her because she was brave enough to do it, but realized that uh maybe I wasn't meant to like do high things, right?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like be in high places, go skydiving, bungee jumping.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: That's just not me.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_02: But I will go caving, right?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: I I went to Mexico, I went caving with my husband.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_02: We were like, it was wonderful.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_02: And we were like looking into the water with uh our snorkels and everything.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: And it was a very unique and what normally would have been a very scary person thing to do for someone who has like claustrophobia issues or whatever.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: So we're all different.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: One what one person does doesn't necessarily define us if we decide not to do it.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I had a conversation recently with a lady who went skydiving, like she jumped out of a plane.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's what they call skydiving.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: But she jumped out of a plane and she was explaining to us that there's two different ways, right?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: You can jump out forward or you can jump out backward.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And when you at the end of the like as you jump, your body will do the same thing.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: You have no control.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Gravity takes over.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: But she was like in her head, she was saying, if I go forward, like I'm gonna want to control that movement.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: If I go backwards, I got no, like, I don't know what's coming.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: So she jumped out backwards, and my whole, like honestly, I was dying.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh my god, right?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like my heart was beating really fast because I'm putting myself in that position and I do not want to jump out of a plane forward, backwards, underneath.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I I'm not jumping out of a plane, right?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm putting myself in her position, and I was like, I don't know how I would make that decision.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like they would have to push me out, but I wouldn't make a decision.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: And they they don't allow that.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: You can't be pushed out.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: You can go tandem, but they won't push you out.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: Well, most companies.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so yeah, I don't do crazy things like that.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, seriously, walking to the end of my driveway.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I feel like I'm taking my life in my hands.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, I'm a chick, I'm a chicken.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Definition of, you know, yeah, that's me.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'll give you, I'll give you a little bit of a uh better comparison uh example.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: It just popped into my head.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I was in the direct sales company for a long time and it was a beauty company, right?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't look like a makeup artist.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't look like um the tall, beautiful, like long or high-heeled women that were walking across the stage, right?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_02: And so I felt like I couldn't make it work, right?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_02: So I never talked to my team because I was afraid if they saw me, knew who I was, got to know me, and I wasn't the way that uh the typical um person looked, that they would leave me, right?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_02: But what somebody said to me, Alyssa, they don't join your team because the way you look, they join your team because the way you feel.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_02: And you can do that no matter what you look like.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: So me comparison comparing myself to that standard of beauty was completely irrelevant to building a team.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: And how many times do you look at someone who's selling makeup?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's a perfect example, and you're like listening to her talk, or you're watching her, and you're like, I can't believe I'm buying from you.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like I have been to like Sephora and I think look at these girls that are wearing, they wear so much makeup, it doesn't always look nice, right?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna take your advice.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to look like that, right?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, like when that story is really good because we compare ourselves without really evaluating like who's teaching us or who's guiding us, right?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's and you'll notice I I really don't wear makeup, I've got a tiny little bit of lip stuff on.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so yeah, I am I am different, and and that's okay.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: I don't need to compare myself.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, and you you're beautiful without makeup.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: I I I wear I've worn the same way, like my makeup has been the same way since I was 19, right?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like I've worn it the same.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I've changed the products, obviously, but my daughter, who's 24, loves makeup, right?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: And she does such a beautiful job.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Mom, you have to wear this, and you have to.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, I don't do that.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: That is way too much work for me, right?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's lots of times I don't even put face makeup on.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: I just do my eye makeup and I walk out like I'm done, right?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm old, right?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: I think I look at myself and I go, Yeah, I'm I'm I'm too old for that.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need to fuss with that girl.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_02: Friend once told me I didn't need to do eye makeup because I've got glasses, which is like eye jewelry.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: So ah, there you go.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: You can wear bling.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I love it.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, okay, let's talk about what does it actually look like to show up as your true self in real life and not just in theory?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I've developed something called connected writing practice, and it's based on the four-step uh practice called Technology of Quiet by Dal Bryant.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: And what it is is you breathe to calm your peripheral nervous system.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: Then you imagine your feet rooting into the ground like the roots of the tree, so that all the static, that is everything that's not you, your emotional, your physical, and your mental thoughts and worries and comparisons and everything, you allow them to just um kind of drain out of you.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_02: And then you connect to uh higher consciousness, is what I call it, where all ideas come from.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: But this is your true self that you're connecting to.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and then I sit in that heart space.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, humans naturally um and compassion naturally flows from us.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's like if you think of someone and 10 minutes later they call you, it's because you're connected and you thought of them, and that love and compassion goes to them.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: And well, that's my belief.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_02: And so I do that four-step process.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: And when I do that, when I'm in that heart space, I am me.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: When I when I show up to talk on interviews or I show up to teach or to be a legislative officer, to write bylaws, whatever, if I'm in that space of my true self, uh, there's just no no other place that feels more like home, like comfortable, and you're able to completely show up as yourself and people gravitate to it rather than you trying to put up a facade or a shell and not be your most authentic self.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: And they feel like something's just not quite right, right?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I love that.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: So um in NLP, we would we would anchor that feeling in to that state, right?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's that's beautiful.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, obviously, like it's four steps, but it doesn't take a long time.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like once you know what you're doing, right?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like once you know what you're that feeling that you're looking for, it's easy for you, right?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I can literally get right into it.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_02: Like if I feel like something's going on, like let's say I'm angry at something, I can immediately just boom become the calm in the storm, and I am my authentic self.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_02: And then I look, I'm able to look at things without judgment, and it's just a really calm and space.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like you you should teach me how to do that, right?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I, you know, as an NLP coach, I know that I have to learn that because I know that that it comes in like perfectly when you need it, right?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, okay, now is not the time to be all over the place, right?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: You need you can't be flighty right now.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: You need to be grounded and solid and really be who you are, right?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love that.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: I really love that.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we're gonna start off all my sessions, all of my retreats, all of my like creative writing sessions, poetry sessions.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_02: I I do them all.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: Uh we we all start with that connected writing practice to get into that space, and then everything just flows from there.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: It's that space of flow, right?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, yeah, exactly.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it and it creates that sort of um like an energy, right?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: That that you let out that's more positive and more like open.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I I wonder, like if you're doing a retreat or you're teaching a class or you know, you're speaking, um how like how do you feel when it like do you ever feel like sort of dissipating?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, like something else is coming in.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like um today, for example, there was um an English second language person there, and I didn't know how to communicate.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_02: There wasn't an interpreter, and and she decided that she wanted to leave.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: And my first thought was like, I'm so sorry, but stay.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: And she's like, No, I I really I have to go.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_02: And I felt like just horrible, right?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: But I just for a second there, I knew that that horrible feeling was because I was um judging myself for not being able to help her and all that kind of stuff.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_02: So for a moment there, I just relaxed into that state again and I said, Thank you so much for coming.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry it didn't work out.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_02: And she's like, No, you were amazing, right?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: So um she she had some English, just not um, wasn't able to do the uh journaling questions and stuff that we had done, right?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but whereas uh yesterday I had uh an English second language specialist there and they were interpreting for all of the people that were there.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_02: And uh the class took a little bit longer.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_02: And most people, if they had prepared something to get pretty like, oh, I don't know if I'm gonna make it.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_02: I like, I'm like, okay, if we have to do this, we'll cut that, we'll cut that.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_02: And they said this was the best thing ever, right?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: Um one person actually who was new to Canada, he'd only been there a couple of weeks, and he said, I am so glad that this is one of my first experiences in Canada, right?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, wow.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: And it's that that liminal space that I brought them all to so that they can connect with their their own.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so that, I mean, that just confirms the whole anchoring a positive state, right?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like you we all know we all have that state that we want to be in.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: We just don't all know how to get there.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so tell me, how do we build confidence that's within of waiting for, or instead of waiting for like permission, approval, validation, all from external sources?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_02: Journaling and writing is a really good way to do that, right?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: You write your thoughts and your fears, for example, um, like a fear I have around food.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: I I'm afraid that I'll eat too much at breakfast and then I will restrict myself at lunch and dinner, and then I'll binge eat at night, right?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's my pattern.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and it all stems from fear.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_02: So I I journaled about it.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I actually learned this from a self-kindness coach.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_02: And um she said to me, What could you be curious about rather than limiting or fearful about?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: And so I'm like, I'm curious what my plate would look like if I had like half fruits and vegetables on it today, and how that would make me feel, right?
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: And so at breakfast now, it's become this habit where I fill my half my plate with fruits and vegetables.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_02: So I know I'm not filling it with like pancakes and the things that I know will like make me feel full at the time, but don't necessarily last.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_02: And then I start craving and right.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_02: So just open yourself up to curiosity, accept who you are, write about it.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_02: If there's something that bothers you about yourself, write about it, and you might find out that the reason it bothers you has nothing to do with you, it's other people's judgment.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I think there's a lot to be said about that, right?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: We I think a lot of our bad, I say bad with quotation because I think bad's a not very good word, right?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: But all of those negative habits that we have, we create them based on what we think others expect from us.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, totally.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_02: Like the first time I stepped stepped on a scale, I was 11 years old, and my friend was one pound heavier than me.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_02: And she said, Oh my gosh, I am so fat.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, Oh, I must be fat too, because I'm only one pound lighter, right?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_02: And so that's when my diet culture started, right?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think, and I mean, I don't know how old you are, but I feel like we grew up around the same time, like, you know, with the whole 90s hair stuck up.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: I remember that.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like I remember 13 years old, and my aunts putting me on a scale.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: And as much as they tried to be, you know, positive and encouraging, it was devastating for me.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like they made me feel so terrible, right?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm like, okay, so I come from an Italian family, right?
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: We love food, we love to eat, right?
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: We show love through food, right?
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I, in my head, 13 years old, I'm like sitting there thinking, all you Do is serve me food, right?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: The more I eat, the happier you are.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then you're telling me I have to lose weight.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, how I can't do both.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: I can't love the food you're giving me and lose weight at the same time.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how to do that.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: So if you don't teach me, it's not gonna happen, right?
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_02: So confusing, yeah.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so, like, that's and I and I I don't mean any disregard to my aunts.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: I love them all with all my heart and I love them dearly, but they didn't even know it.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right, they didn't even realize what they were trying to tell me.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember thinking, oh my god, like I'm just a terrible person, right?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because we do that, we take it all, right?
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's now not only am I fat, that makes me a bad person.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I saw a YouTube video a while back, and it was this young girl, six, seven years old, going, I love myself, I'm gonna have a great day, right?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_02: Like, imagine if we treated our bodies like that, if our if our parents taught us that, even though, yes, here's the food, here's the food, right?
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_02: If we learn to love our body, I look back at pictures of myself when I'm like 13 to 25, and I'm like, I wish I loved my body because I looked great and thought I was atrocious.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_02: So learning to love your body no matter what size, I get it now.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_02: I get, I get that positive body movement because if I had done that at a young age, I wouldn't um second glance myself at the at the mirror now, right?
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_02: I I look at myself, I've had kids, I'm like, I have such a beautiful belly because I've had my babies, right?
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I'll look in the mirror and sometimes I'll look and I'll go, I look good today, even though I look exactly the same as I did yesterday when I said, Oh, I'm not looking so good today, right?
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's all in the mind.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, it's so true.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: My mom used to say that to me all the time.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's all in the mind.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I used to think she is crazy.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: Right now, I'm talking when I was a teenager, right?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like she used to say things like, You can do whatever your mind will allow you to do, right?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: And she used to say it, and and I used to think, well, she is nuts because my mind is not telling me I can do it.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: Well, as I got older, right, I realized my mind was telling me that you can't do it, right?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: We I the itty bitty shitty committee, right?
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: So whatever your mind tells you you can do or can't do, that's right.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, isn't I think it's uh Henry Ford has that quote, right?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever you think you can do, you're right.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: Or what whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right, right?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's that's what it comes down to, right?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: We, you know, we listen to what the thoughts that are going in our mind, like you were saying earlier, right?
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: That we we listen to them.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: So if we can just shut those down and really go in our heart space and find what the real answers are, right?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_02: We we hear those uh sayings all the time, right?
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_02: Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and your mother, like it's all in the mind, what your mind will allow you to do, you can.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_02: We hear those things growing up.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't until my 40s that I actually understood.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_02: I literally um I went to uh write my book, uh, or I said I wanted to write my book, and it took me seven years.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_02: And someone saying to me, Wait a minute, you helped me like edit my book and your book still isn't out.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_02: What's going on?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, Are you calling me out?
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_02: And he's like, I am.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, I'm going to write my book.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_02: And I felt it in my body and I knew it in my mind.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_02: And within a month, I was invited to a writer's conference.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_02: I met a publisher there who was taking pitches.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, he gave me a handshake deal, and I'm like, what is going on?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_02: I within that uh 11-month period from the moment I decided, I had written my book out fully.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_02: I had had it professionally edited, professionally published, and it became the second most gifted book on Amazon that fall, meaning people were giving it as a gift.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_02: I thought, how do they know I'm gifted?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_02: And my publisher laughs at me and goes, that's not what most gifted means, Alyssa, right?
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's because people gave it as gifts.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_02: But that's the power of the mind, though.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_02: Like I literally went from seven years of fear of not wanting to write my book because I was afraid, to I'm gonna do it.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_02: And the mind said yes, and the body found a way.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it, you know, it's so true.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: And if we give the power to our mind, right?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: Release all the crap that's holding it back, right?
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:34
  unknown: Yeah.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: That itty bitty shitty committee is strong.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: Totally.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_02: First we think, then we feel, then we act.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_02: So if you can change, they say change your thoughts, change your world.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_02: That's literally true.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_02: If you can have those when you notice an itty bitty shitty committee thought, you go, thanks for trying to protect me.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, typewriter.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_02: You know, when you do that, maybe I'm leaving myself there, but uh, just move it aside to a blank page.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_02: And what's more true?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what is more true than that?
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_02: And then that will create that feeling in you, which will then create the action.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I love that.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: I love I could talk itty bitty shitty committee stuff all day.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's so many conversations going on in my head that I cannot be alone.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like I cannot, there's just no way.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: I used to think that.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, when I was a kid, right, I used to think I used to talk to myself, right?
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: Sitting in the bathroom.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking to myself.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: I used to think I was talking to God.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: So all those messages that I was getting, you can't do that, you're too fat, you're this, you're I thought that was God.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I thought I was living my true life.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: I thought God doesn't want me to do that stuff, right?
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh honestly, I was oh I well, I was an adult when I realized that I make up those thoughts.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_02: The way I discern the difference, God's thought thoughts from God, they are always kind, calm, gentle, and they make you feel like you have purpose in this world.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_02: I've learned that whether the should have, would have, could have, you're not good enough.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_02: Those are our own thoughts taking over that we interpret as and that's like that is like our life.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the filters that we make, right?
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: Just from our life experience, the from the people that we encounter and and all the things, right?
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_01: But of course, when you're growing up, you don't know that.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like I didn't know that, right?
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, I didn't have anyone to ask.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that this was not normal, right?
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I wouldn't, you know, think to say.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: But when I figured it out, I was like, wait a minute, maybe that's not God.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_02: Boom after all the thoughts you've had in the bathroom, going, What?
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there were times I I have a problem with going to the bathroom.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like I don't want to go to the bathroom, right?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: And part of it, okay.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: So when I was little, little, my mom, when I would misbehave, my mom would be like, You want to go to the bathroom?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that meant I was gonna get a spin, right?
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so so that put the fear of me in bathrooms.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then these conversations, right?
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, obviously, I had the conversations not only in the bathroom, but they were, you know, after school, I spent a lot of time in there because I was like, you know, this is my downtime, right?
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm in the bathroom, nobody can make me do anything.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I it and when I think back, I go, my God, like how stupid was I, and I know I shouldn't say that to myself because that's just you know, adding to the yeah, that's the itty bitty shouldn't be you, right?
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_02: Give yourself grace.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_02: You were a human being learning human lessons.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I mean, we're all gullible, we're all naive to, you know, to a certain extent and to, you know, for a certain amount of time.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I mean, obviously, I've forgiven myself for that.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that I hold it against me, but I do sometimes shake my head and go, my god, I can't believe you allowed that.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, back to you.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, we actually only have um one more question left, and that is um, if there is someone listening today and she wants to start being unapologetically herself, what is one thing that they can she could do right now after this episode?
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_02: Sit in the quiet, like just sit quietly and ask yourself what do I need in this moment?
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_02: That simple question guides you back to yourself, yes, in a kind way, right?
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and so incredibly powerful.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: Alyssa, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with and your insights today.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you are a reminder that uniqueness is not something to hide, right?
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_01: It is our power.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so much for meeting.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, of course.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_01: For all of you listening, if you're ready to step fully into your confidence, embrace your true self, and start creating a life on your own terms, I invite you to join my confidence collective coaching program.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's designed for women who are ready to release self-doubt, reconnect with themselves, and step into their next chapter with clarity and confidence.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can find all the details in the show notes.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: Don't wait to bloom unapologetically.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening, and remember, confidence isn't something you feel first.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's it comes after you do the thing.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, keep showing up fully as you.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: This show was brought to you by Divas That Care.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: Connect with us on Facebook, on Instagram, and of course on divas that care.com, where you can subscribe to our newsletter so you don't miss a thing.