Latest / Conversations with Dad / More Topical: Why the heck are we running?
Transcript
- Matthew: Hello Dad. Stanley Brownstein: Hello, how are you? Matthew: I am good. it's nice to see your background actually back in the office. I know Stanley Brownstein: okay. Matthew: the other ones looked cool, but it's nice to see a familiar comfortable space. Stanley Brownstein: All right. Matthew: so w when we when we spoke last time, the conversation started around a just a a a question that I had raised about what it means to be a man and the role of of of parent parents in helping kids to understand that. And and for a brief moment I I brought up a topical issue which was which we didn't end up getting to because the conversation turned out to be around my initial original question turned out to be well turned out to be good, but it was also different than what I expected. And it just raised the question about whether or not we should be thinking about gender like that to begin with and then and the limitations in thinking about what what people should be without starting the conversation in what it means to be an ethical person and different ways in which that can be presented. and without starting it there, any conversations about what it means to be a man, what it means to be a woman will just be distracting and get us away from what's most important. before we move to the topical issue, is there any not necessarily last thoughts on that topic, but anything that I just said that resonates or things that you wanna clarify around that? Stanley Brownstein: Only it's funny because I listened to it with mom afterwards and Matthew: Yeah. Stanley Brownstein: I was wondering if I if I came off like Archie Bunker because we were we were discussing a lot of issues that are contemporary but they weren't necessarily contemporary when I was coming of age. So I was just wondering if, you know what what? Matthew: Are you asking if if if I if you came across that way? Are you asking if I came across that way to if you came across that way to me or do do you think you came across that way? Stanley Brownstein: I didn't necessarily think I came across that way, but I was but I have it but there w there is an awareness enough to know that I might have. You know, kind of Matthew: Got it. Stanley Brownstein: saying things that weren't PC. Matthew: yeah, I mean I think Stanley Brownstein: That's all. Matthew: yeah I mean like the real yeah, I I don't think you came across that way to me. I think if I have I entered the conversation with identifying with gender as the concept that you know completely informs my relationship to the world, and you told me, hey, you should pay attention to this. I don't think it's necessarily a question of like bunker or not bunker, but I think that that would have been not as good of a conversation because my brain would not have been ready for that differing perspective. but that's not where where I was. so that's yeah. Yeah. Stanley Brownstein: Okay. All right. Just that was just something that I had considered but i after the conversation. Matthew: Yeah. Stanley Brownstein: All right. all right. So Matthew: So So December nineteenth is gonna be this run called the solstice run. And I actually had shared it very briefly with families last Thursday at this once a month thing called Coffee with the Principal. And the way it came up was families were asking a a few different questions about like what is it like what role they should play at home. it came up in various ways and And so that was that was something that I use as a jump-off point as as as thinking about, we were talking more specifically, actually we were talking about reading. How do we cultivate a love of reading for kids? And one of the things that came up was like, well, there's a lot of value in you cultivating a love of reading yourself, right? So when kids see that we're in love with something and that we're doing something, that's a really good that you know, th there's really good lessons in that. and then also ideally, right, like the messaging we do is grounded in something that you have a personal relationship to. So we were talking a little bit about that, and then it jumped jumped off into this idea of this solstice run, which in short, I think I said it a little bit it last time, but but in short, it's this idea that adults with their kids, but maybe just adults, on December 19th. We start at 8 a.m. around the time the sun comes up on December 19th, and we continue until the sun goes down, more or less till 4:30, where we do as many loops around the school as you can, walking or running. And the idea behind it is to set a goal and for families to model and adults and members of our community to model what it looks like to set a goal. Probably what it looks like to fail a goal, what it looks like to try hard, for all the lessons that come along with it. not just from for yourself, but also for for the young people. So just just thinking about the underlying concept of walking the walk, literally and figuratively. so just the underlying concept being walking the walk, both figuratively and literally, as something that I wanted to embrace. so I'm I'm curious to hear a little bit from you about one, I guess the event that I just described, the lesson I'm pointing to, your thoughts on that lesson, but then also if there are other lessons as part of this that you think should be gleaned as well. Stanley Brownstein: Okay, so walking the walk. So so what you what that implies is setting an example as Matthew: Yeah. Stanley Brownstein: a parent or a mentor that the children perhaps can find connection with based upon this exercise that you're you're promoting in your school. Matthew: Right. Yep. Stanley Brownstein: So so I was thinking about what it means to present a you know, to to to walk the walk in terms of being a parent. And what came to mind was that it's in many ways, it's like practice. Because you think about it, if you're going to run a marathon, Matthew: Right. Stanley Brownstein: You're not there yet, but you've set a goal for yourself and you recognize there's going to be a you need you need an intention that actually Connects with this goal, Matthew: Right. Stanley Brownstein: and you also recognize that you're not there yet, and you're going to have to practice. And you're going to have a lot of days that you really fall short of not only what you set out to do, but you fall short in like, why the hell am I doing this? And in Matthew: Right. Stanley Brownstein: many ways, I think parenting kind of can be a it's so this is a chicken egg kind of scenario. It's parenting, but also what having a life goal. And I think being a parent really connects and and and facilitates and informs a life goal. But also have a having a life goal really facilitates and informs being a parent. So just like running a marathon, it's going to take practice. You're going to you're going to fail. You're going to wonder. Why the heck you're doing it? What what is you're gonna lose sight of what your goal is. But if you again stay, if you recognize that's going to be what's going to happen, because any any transcendental, any big goal is going to involve that. you you recognize that there's going to be failure, there's going to be suffering, there's going to be, sweat and pain. But it's something that you understand is part of the process and you're gonna be a better person and feel better about yourself for it. Matthew: So do you have any tips for helping families tap tap into that realization Stanley Brownstein: Tips? Matthew: if part of this activity? Stanley Brownstein: Yeah, I think recognize that every we're all in the you're all gonna be in the same boat. Some are gonna be better, some are gonna be worse. You're gonna be in a position to help those who aren't as good as you, and you're also gonna be be able to gain some sucor or some, motivation from those who are better than you. and we're Matthew: What was the word you used? Stanley Brownstein: gonna all do this together. What? Matthew: What was the word you used? Sukkah? The word Stanley Brownstein: What succor strength s some Matthew: I Stanley Brownstein: and and this is something we're all gonna do together. We're gonna all help each other. We're gonna have people who we can gain strength from. We're gonna have people who we can give strength to. And we're gonna all feel good about ourselves and we're gonna all feel better as a community for doing this. Matthew: Yeah. I think there's there's a lot there and something you actually said last last week and I actually I don't remember the exact connection that you were saying, but the but that you know, something that in particular we should we should model and own up to as as as parents or as mentors is also like what it means to fail and how that's just part of the That's part of what it means to live, what what it part of what it means to try hard at something, and what it means to set a goal. Stanley Brownstein: It's also it's what you're looking to do is is to grow. And growth involves Leaving behind what's comfortable. you're you're moving on from something. you think about, you look at a a plant growing. it's like just shedding and it's breaking through, it's going through dirt, it's going through rock, it's going through whatever casing it has. Matthew: Right. Stanley Brownstein: I mean, growth is a you'll you're you're intentionally leaving something to behind to come to a better place. I mean, otherwise What is growth about? and and if you knew everything, like what does that mean? That's like such that's that's a a silly concept to think you know everything. It means you you know you you have no place to go. You have nothing that to do. You know, so it's like you know, you're aspirational is looking for something that you don't have. Recognizing that it's something that you can have, recognizing that you don't know how to do it yet, and you're on that journey. Matthew: Right. Stanley Brownstein: it must have been a lot of fun running around the city. Matthew: It was Stanley Brownstein: jogging around the city. Matthew: I would say seventy five percent of the time it was fun. When I when I got past input. Stanley Brownstein: And and you put a lot of effort into even considering that effort. I mean, can you imagine having considered that effort decades ago? But you Matthew: Yeah. Stanley Brownstein: you did a lot of sweat and toil to get to that point. And it was still wasn't there, but like you really you worked hard to get to that point of considering it and you worked hard to complete it, but you were much closer to completing it when you started because of all the work you did previously. Matthew: Right. Right. Yeah. Stanley Brownstein: I don't know if that is something you can translate to I think you think about I don't know how old these kids are, but think about if they can relate to learning how to read and then reading, Matthew: Sure. Right. Stanley Brownstein: learning how to make friends with kids that they feel awkward around. Just learning Matthew: Right. Stanley Brownstein: how to be in a classroom with all the tumult and and the chaos and then feeling comfortable in the class, all of those things take effort. and a little strain and and are just so rewarding because then, you build a c they they're building a community of friends where previously they were just like didn't want to let go of their mother's hands. Matthew: Right. Yeah, there there is also a need to create space, not necessarily I mean, and obviously this event could be is like a concrete example of it, but just also the value of kind of looking back to understand how you got to where you are in this moment. and in this moment you are set up to do your best. And that best may not mean doing a fifty K. but Knowing what your best is, giving it a try, and then thinking about whether or not you want to do more and knowing that what you do between now and then will have some impact on what you're able to do. I know that was super vague, but I was just thinking about like there there's a little bit of honest there's a there's some refreshing lightness that can come out of just being honest with yourself in terms of what you're able to do in a moment. there is no reason to, you know, if you've not if you haven't run a 10K, there is no reason for you to feel bad about yourself for not being able to complete 33 miles around Manhattan. Like, it's not because you're lazy. It's because you haven't put the work in. Now maybe the reason why you didn't put the work in is because you're lazy. But in this moment, like this is what you're able to do. So do what you can. and then be honest about what you want to do next. Stanley Brownstein: And also part of that too is what what's your aim to do this? if Matthew: Sure. Stanley Brownstein: you're aiming to do something and you haven't put the work in, then where's that aim coming from too? Matthew: Right. Right. Stanley Brownstein: also what's interesting too is I find that when I do exercise and I'm pushing it, I'm really Matthew: Right. Stanley Brownstein: I'm able to when I stop thinking about how much this how uncomfortable this is. Matthew: Sure. Stanley Brownstein: I'm literally able to it's really it stops becoming uncomfortable. So there Matthew: Mm-hmm. Stanley Brownstein: is, I mean, not only is the goal important, but kind of where you are in the moment. And sometimes it's just a question of taking one step at a time, you know, not thinking about anything, but just kind of where you are in the moment. Matthew: Right. Right. Well, I think so the the event's December nineteenth. I planted the seed with folks last week, but there's still some details to flesh out in terms of like how to make this event worthwhile and fun. I don't know if we'll record another session on that, but I definitely look forward to hearing more of your thoughts online or offline about that part. 'Cause I do I do I do think it's there is something about how how it's framed so that it's not just a a slog and not just a wait, so we're just running in the dark for hours, like or rather, running in the light until it gets dark for hours. Like there's there needs to be some like checkpoints and some reflections throughout. But gotta gotta think that through. But we have we have some time. all right. Well Stanley Brownstein: I I I'm sure you I'm sure you'll be coming up with a a bounty of motivation for your kids. Matthew: Nice. well I don't I don't have there's not a natural topic that's coming up in this moment for me. Is there anything that you're Okay, okay. Stanley Brownstein: Well, you just you can feed me something this week if you'd like, if that works for you. Matthew: Cool. I will do Stanley Brownstein: The earlier the better 'cause I I'm kinda slow, so you have to give me time to think about it. Matthew: here's another thought. Yes, or if something comes up in the news that you think is relevant or interesting that you want to talk about, we can also do that. We can have this this week between now and next Monday like open and you could talk about it, but then then also talk about its relevance to some of the things we've talked about before. Stanley Brownstein: Well, I can just I could Matthew: How how does it Stanley Brownstein: say something to you now or we can go offline and say it. But I actually responded to a New York Times article on a op ed about some difficulty in getting i our their kids into new New York City high schools. There was this photo article in the New York Times and I actually wrote something to you know to responded to the article to the editor. Matthew: Okay. Stanley Brownstein: but I think you're really opening up the Pandora's box if you're asking me to bring stuff like this to the table. Matthew: Well may well I'm gonna throw it out there still, but I've I I'll I'll reach out with a with a topic if it comes to mind. But Okay. Stanley Brownstein: It was in Sunday's Times. And if you look at letters, I'm actually one of the there weren't a whole lot of responses, but I was one that got Matthew: Okay. Stanley Brownstein: the most replies. So if you if you see you Matthew: wow. Stanley Brownstein: might see something. But we we can touch upon Matthew: cool. I will. Stanley Brownstein: this during the week if you'd like. All right. Good. Matthew: Okay. Sounds good. I'm gonna go down and and get the kids. I'll s I'll send them your best. Stanley Brownstein: All right, thank you. Love you. See well. Matthew: Love ya, bye.