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THE REAL REASON YOU CAN'T SURRENDER DURING SEX · Erotic Spirit Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Usually, orgasm doesn't come in, no pun intended, when you're focused on it.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: It comes in when you're in a space of peace and relax.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: It comes in when you are not attached to I need to get there.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And when we get in our heads about it, we can cycle around.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: And if I don't get here, what does this mean?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Does it mean that I didn't have that it wasn't a good experience?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: And just by even thinking those things pops us out of the present moment.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast discusses sensitive and sexual topics that may be triggering.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Please understand that I am not a therapist.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: My guests and I are simply sharing from our own journeys and experiences.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Erotic Spirit Podcast, where sexuality, soul, and embodiment meet.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Today's about surrender.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: What happens when your body says, I want to let go, but I can't?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: And how that relates to your bedroom life, to your life with sex.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe it's not even about sex.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it has nothing to do with sex.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Does this sound like you?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Do you say, oh, why am I taking so long?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Or I want to completely let go.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Or oh wow, uh, why do I look that way?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Am I doing it right?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And if this sounds like you, you want to stick around to see what else it could be about.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: So just diving in.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: What else could it be about?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well, surrender to me is not just about, oh, like you need to let go.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: You need to stop monitoring.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then sometimes if you if you think that way, I know because I've been there where it's like, I need a fucking monitor.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Am I not monitoring?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Am I like, am I actually truly surrendering?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: And then it becomes this really the cycle.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And people can get it into the phrase of surrender means that you have to let go and be in the flow.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: And surrender can mean all these things to me.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: What surrender means is that no matter what arises, I can be present with it.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: I can just allow myself to witness what is moving through me right now and allow it to keep moving through.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: And that's presence.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so surrender is not so much as I need to attach to this idea of letting go, and then that means it's successful.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Though those can be indicators I found that show myself where I'm not being present because I'm thinking about this thing.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I really invite you to start looking at a perspective of where can I meet myself so that my body actually can feel that I'm loving it, that I'm not telling it it needs to do this.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: That what happens if I just allow what is happening to arise and lead it with compassion.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: I find that that kind of container I've held for myself really opens up the possibility of surrender and even what people say surrender is and the letting go.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I find that that is the pathway and the doorway into that space where I'm in compassion and I'm holding this container to see, see all parts of me, and my body finally finally fucking breathes.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: It finally breathes.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: So imagine you do that with your sexual experiences.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you're solo and you're in a space of connection and pleasure, and so instead of attaching to this outcome of I need to orgasm, I need it to look this way, my practice, my solo time needs to be this way.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: What if it's just I meet myself every step and see just see what happens.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of having that attachment to the outcome, it invites in curiosity and movement and finally, in my opinion, being seen.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: And when the body can truly experience that, I have found that that is when I can fucking let go.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: That is when I can let go.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: There's no because I'm not actually attached to something.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's the paradox there.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I can let go when I am not attached to anything.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: There's no pressure to perform.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it needs to look this way.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I need to sound this way.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, it needs to meet my partner's expectations.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: All of these things are things that are outside of me and can even feel like a bit of performance, not true authenticity.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of like, how do I feel in this moment and meeting myself?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times I've found that this disconnect from the body and lack of presence is the symptoms of that is like, what are they thinking?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Or this is where I need to go, and I'm and I'm trying to reach this space.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so that becomes like this internal struggle that then actually leads to a disconnect in sex.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: But what if this is not where it started?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, of course, you know, we we were birthed out the canal, or we we were born, and um sex and our sexuality and the expression of that came later in life.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: So, where do these things come from?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Where is it in life that I needed to be attached to the outcome?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm thinking I need to be attached to this orgasm and that equals, oh, that this is successful or anything like that, where in life have I did I find that being attached to the outcome meant success?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what what beliefs came in?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: There were probably not beliefs around sexuality.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: It could have been something when you were younger where, you know, just it's like, oh, well, you need to um get good grades in school.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're and you know, if you're not, maybe you weren't met with attention.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: So then that transfers continuously and snowballs in your life and just adds adds more layers of complexity until you're in a space where you think that the measured outcome is this.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so letting go of the attachment becomes challenging because without that, what does that mean?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: I have found some of the most challenging spaces in life is when we attach meaning to things.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times we have not even our own meaning, and we're just assigned assign something to it.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: So we learn these things.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: We we learn that, or we learn that you know, letting go uh is that lack of control and that that that didn't really feel safe.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: And that could have been learned somewhere in life.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like what is it that we need to have in our box of control so that things go accordingly in life?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's not related to sex, it's and it's related to things that we learned when when we were younger.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, this is my box of control.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: I always have my box of control.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'll be safe.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll share with me and letting go.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that was definitely definitely me.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: But um, it it showed up in other areas in my life.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: So um just being able to surrender to someone else leading, and what would that mean for me?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm letting go of control of how things may go, and more refined it was connected to men, just having like that that leading space with men.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have any healthy masculine uh people or or males in my life.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things that I would also do in my life would be like in in dance, right?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's a lot of times men would lead the dance.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so I I would always try to lead.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I would always be that one, um, especially with a few partners.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd always be, I would always be the one.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: And as I practice this surrender, which is not someone leading and it's like giving someone the power of anything, it just feels like it's I'm in flow of possibility.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: This podcast is sponsored by My Awakening Within.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking for some sort of practice to drop into your pleasure, to reconnect to your body, to start to build and cultivate safety from within, join me on this online self-guided journey where you will start to learn breathwork techniques, emotional release practices, and start to build this foundation of safety and security from a place of presence.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: So join me online, myawakeningwithin.com or linked in the show notes.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: A thing to think about.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when I started moving into a static dance, this actually really helped me to surrender and be in a flow state, but then also a contact improv or contact um for dance as well in a static dance.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I started to go in slowly.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: And uh over the years, I've allowed myself to be in a space where I would allow myself to be led uh by say a man and and let them kind of lead my body, being in that flow.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: It is about flow, but I I finally surrendered to that.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: And that was such a good practice for me.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are looking for any practices or things like that, I mean, there's all kinds of things, but I found that that was a way for me to be in flow and just allow curiosity to see where it would go if I allowed myself to just be led and to see that it that it's safe.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: So anything that comes up in the bedroom, we can practice outside.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: And this um this surrender and let go and being being okay with being led does not mean I'm giving my power away.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: But it could feel like that because somewhere in life, I when I didn't have control and it felt like my power's taken away and there was trauma related there, it just is so easy to associate.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: So the let go in the bedroom through my sexuality, through sex, through the sexual experience, is like, oh, I don't know what's gonna happen.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I would actually say now that's one of the most fun parts is that you don't know what's gonna happen.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: And you get to be part of that.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: You get to be part of that creation because then something pops in and moves.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: When you're really receptive to letting go, I have found things will pop in and be in such a flow state, and it's quite joyful.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: So surrender is just not about, ah, like I have to let go and I need to do all these things.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's really allowing yourself to be in this space of even neutrality and like ah, doesn't need to be this way or that way.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: And all of this is is helping our body relate in different ways.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: When we think, I just really want to let go with sex and I just want to, there's nothing that my partner ever did.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: It I wanted to bring up perspective here with all of these other areas so that we finally kind of just backtrack a little bit.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: And when we bring awareness to these beliefs and where they started from and start to give practice even outside of the bedroom, we take that one step and we start to rewire and we start to say, this is what surrender looks like.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe you define it a different way, and that's part of it too.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Letting that be what feels good for you.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: But it is what I found is the symptoms of I am in my head and I'm like, well, I need to reach this space, I need to be here, I need to do that.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's something to look at.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're doing that, these are the invitations to backtrack and start to rewire.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: And the one thing I want to share is orgasm, orgasm and surrender and letting go.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's all key.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: Usually orgasm doesn't come in, no pun intended, when you're focused on it, it comes in when you're in a space of peace and relax.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: It comes in when you are not attached to I need to get there.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: And when we get in our heads about it, we can cycle around.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And if I don't get here, what does this mean?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Does it mean that I didn't have that it wasn't a good experience?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: And just by even thinking those things pops us out of the present moment.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm here to share that when you take the goal out of having an orgasm, you take pressure off, you help yourself get out of your head and back into your body and more into that state of just being.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're in the state of being and receiving the sensations and receiving the pleasure, you actually invite in the possibility of orgasm actually happening.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: You can't think your way into an orgasm.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: It uh I found it doesn't work that way.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: If you have found that it works that way, I'd be happy to hear.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: But I have found people I've talked to is just like, yeah, I'm stuck in my head.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm not reaching that space.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: And orgasm and ejaculate ejaculation are different, which is um a whole other conversation.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: But when we look at orgasm in this release of energy and not just like um bim bam and done, where when we actually tune into that orgasmic state and that flow and that energy that just keeps moving through, we get to be in that bliss.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: And that is definitely facilitated, I found, with getting outside of the mind, being in a place of meeting myself where I'm at and letting go.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: And meeting myself with compassion for when I am in my head.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like, well, how do I get out of my head?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm in my head, I'm gonna keep thinking about not being in my head right now.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: Breathe.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Breathe.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: Start with your breath.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: Right, take that breath in.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Breathe out.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: Call your awareness back into your heart space.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: Start to feel the sensations in your body, okay.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: Go slower, okay.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: Either with your you're with yourself, move slower.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: Every intentional movement is met with a space within yourself.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Every time you move your hand, you graze your palm, you allow yourself to feel it.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you go back into your head, and I'm like, ah, this is not working, right?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: Meet yourself with breath again, breathe out, right?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: And go back to feeling sensations again.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: I think touch is the is one of the best sensations with uh expressing and sexual experiences.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: There's many other senses too.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: You can call attention to smell.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: You can, if you're really into smells, I like new smells that are connected to beautiful experiences.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have um a connection or memory to a certain smell, I and it, and if it's a good memory, good, but I invite newness into all things.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: When we're creating new experiences, it's easier for us to detach from old stories.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: So some new smell that you have, and you're just able to right breathe that in.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're practicing your breath and you're smelling that smell, you're not only resetting your nervous system, going into that parasympathetic state, you're associating more rest and more relaxed way of being with that new smell.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: So next time you have a sexual experience and you're you find yourself in a state of of uh stress, or you're in your head and you're thinking about something, you start to take your breath and you start to recognize oh that smell.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: And it's that automatic memory, the brain and smell, oh, it is it is such a proven fact.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: It is so powerful.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: So when you're start, when you start associating that way of being with that smell, it helps you in your next experiences to drop into that quicker.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: So being able to really allow yourself into those ways of being and the senses and those areas to just help you let go.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: And ultimately, it's your journey and compassion, compassion for yourself on you thought it might end up one way, and then you're like, well, I shouldn't be thinking it should be that way.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: Just let yourself take one step at a time, one micro action at a time that's tangible for you, so that you're you can see that you're making progress, and progress is progress.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's all about surrendering to the possibilities and curiosity.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully that resonates with you today.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: If you've enjoyed this episode, hit the like button, hit the subscribe button, tune into Erotic Spirit Podcasts on all the major platforms.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, and bye for now.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for hanging with us today.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you find value in this podcast, please like, subscribe, and share.