Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Handle a Direct Report Who Is a Friend
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this moment every new manager dreads, and it's not the budget meeting or the first firing. It's when someone you genuinely like, someone who was your work bestie, becomes your direct report. Luna: Oh, I've seen that blow up so many times. My friend Maya actually went through this last year. Lucas: Let's hear it, because I think the specifics matter more than any generic advice. Maya was at a mid-sized SaaS company, right? She'd been an engineer there for about three years, and her teammate Priya was basically her work sister. They had lunch together, they vented about the same codebase, they covered for each other. Luna: Exactly. And when her manager left, Maya got the promotion. She was thrilled, but also terrified because Priya was on her team. Lucas: Terrified is the right word. Because suddenly, every team decision feels personal. Maya told me that her first week, she had to assign a not-so-glamorous bug fix to Priya, and she felt like she'd betrayed her. She found herself over-explaining, apologizing, and basically letting Priya off the hook for things she'd never let anyone else skip. Luna: And did Priya notice? Because I feel like that's when the resentment starts building. Lucas: Oh, absolutely. Priya started making little comments in team meetings, like 'oh, I guess I'm the one who does the boring stuff now.' And then there was this one-on-one where Priya asked if they could just keep things 'like they used to be.' Maya froze. She didn't know what to say. Luna: So what did she do? Because I think a lot of new managers just hope it'll sort itself out. Lucas: She actually called me, which is how I know this story. And the first thing I told her is that she needed to write down three things. First, what her actual responsibilities are now. Second, what the team's goals are. And third, what she expected from Priya as a professional. Not as a friend. Luna: That's a good exercise. Because when you're friends, you assume a lot, but as a manager, you can't assume. You have to articulate. Lucas: Right. And then she had to have what I call the 'friendship contract' conversation. She sat down with Priya, outside the office, at a coffee shop actually, and she said, 'Look, our friendship matters to me. But I also have a job to do. So let's set some ground rules.' Luna: And what were the ground rules? Lucas: A few things. They agreed that work conversations stay professional, no venting about other team members, and that if there was ever a performance issue, Maya would handle it as a manager, not as a friend. And they also agreed that they wouldn't gossip about work stuff outside of work. That was the hardest one, I think. Luna: Gossip is the killer. I remember a startup where two best friends, one became the other's manager, and within a month, the whole team knew every detail of everyone's performance because the friend couldn't stop talking. Three people quit. Lucas: That's brutal. And it shows why the contract matters. But even with a contract, there's the bigger issue of how the team perceives the friendship. You're now the manager, and you have to be seen as fair. So Maya had to make some visible changes. She stopped sitting next to Priya in meetings, she started rotating who she got coffee with, and she made a point of celebrating other people's wins first. Luna: That's smart. But what about the performance review? Because that's where the friendship really gets tested. Lucas: That's the crucible. Maya had to give Priya a 'meets expectations' when Priya thought she deserved 'exceeds.' And Priya's first reaction was to pull the friend card. She said, 'You know how hard I've been working. You've seen it. How can you say this?' Luna: Oh, that's the moment where most new managers cave. Lucas: Maya almost did. But she had the contract to fall back on. She said, 'Priya, as your friend, I see how hard you work. As your manager, I have to compare you to the team's standards. And here's what I need to see next quarter.' She had specific examples, she had a development plan, and she didn't back down. Luna: And did the friendship survive? Lucas: It was rocky for a couple of months. Priya was cold, she avoided Maya outside of work, and Maya felt like she'd lost her work bestie. But then something shifted. Priya started seeing that Maya was treating her fairly, and even more, that Maya was actually helping her grow. By the next review, Priya had improved, and she got the 'exceeds.' And their friendship came back, but it was different. More mature. Luna: That's the ideal outcome. But I think a lot of people listening might be thinking, 'Is it ever worth it? Should you even take the promotion if a friend is on the team?' Lucas: That's the million-dollar question. And I think the answer is: sometimes. But you need to be honest with yourself about whether you can handle the temporary loss of the friendship. Because it will change. It has to. If you're not willing to risk that, then maybe you shouldn't take the role, or you should talk to your boss about restructuring. Luna: I've also seen cases where the friend actually asks to be moved to another team. And that can be the best solution if it's feasible. Lucas: Absolutely. And that's not a failure. In fact, it shows you're prioritizing the team and the friendship. But if you do decide to manage your friend, the key is to be proactive, not reactive. Set the expectations early, communicate the ground rules, and be prepared to make unpopular decisions. Luna: And on that note, I think it's worth mentioning that we keep this show free and without ads because we believe in the value of these conversations. If you've found this episode helpful, and you want to support that mission, you can buy us a coffee at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a small gesture, but it helps us keep doing this. Lucas: Yeah, it really does. And we appreciate every single one of you who's ever done that. It's not about perks or shout-outs, it's just about keeping the podcast sustainable and ad-free. So thank you. Luna: Anyway, back to Maya. After that whole experience, she told me that the hardest part wasn't the review or the gossip. It was the loneliness. She couldn't vent to Priya about work anymore, and she realized she needed a peer network outside her team. Lucas: That's a great point. New managers often underestimate how isolating the role can be. You can't just be one of the team anymore. So what did Maya do? Luna: She joined a manager support group at her company, and she started meeting with other managers once a week. She also made a point to keep up with her old friends from other teams, just not about work stuff. Lucas: That's the healthy way to do it. And I think that's the final lesson: managing a friend isn't about choosing one over the other. It's about being clear about your role, being consistent, and being willing to have the awkward conversations. If you do that, you might just end up with a stronger friendship and a better team. Luna: And if you're in that situation right now, just remember, you're not alone. It's one of the hardest things a new manager can face. Lucas: For sure. And if you have your own story about managing a friend, we'd love to hear it. You can reach us at the show's email. But for now, I'm Lucas. Luna: And I'm Luna. Thanks for listening, and we'll catch you next time.