Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why I HAD To Ruin Your Valentine’s Day (A Narcissist's Confession)

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Why I HAD To Ruin Your Valentine’s Day (A Narcissist's Confession) · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So you woke up this morning expecting some roses, some
• 0:03
  flowers, some gifts, something, right?
• 0:06
  A happy Valentine's Day, something from your narcissistic
• 0:09
  partner. But deep down you know it's not
• 0:13
  coming because they haven't ever done anything for you on
• 0:15
  Valentine's Day. They might have did something on
• 0:17
  the very first Valentine's Day, but ever since that point,
• 0:20
  they've done nothing since, right?
• 0:23
  And as a diagnosed narcissist, I'm going to tell you why.
• 0:25
  I'm going to take you inside the mind of a narcissist and why we
• 0:28
  do the things that we do on Valentine's Day.
• 0:30
  Why we treat you the way that we do on holidays like Valentine's
• 0:34
  Day. It's important that you learn.
• 0:35
  They sit right here and listen to this y'all, 'cause I came out
• 0:38
  of, I went out of my way to do a Valentine's Day special for
• 0:41
  y'all this year. I do one every year, but I
• 0:44
  appreciate y'all being here. Of course, if you're new here,
• 0:46
  I'm Lee Hammock, I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to
• 0:48
  another episode of the Narcissist Code.
• 0:51
  We're going to hop right into it.
• 0:52
  Y'all narcissistic people like including myself.
• 0:55
  Yeah, I hate holidays, right? I know there's some people out
• 1:00
  there who hate holidays and be like, well, Lee, I'm not a
• 1:02
  narcissist. Yeah, hating holidays does not
• 1:05
  automatically make you a narcissist, right?
• 1:07
  Does not make you a narcissist because some narcissist love
• 1:09
  holidays. They love to the holidays or the
• 1:11
  period of time in the year where they make up for all the other
• 1:14
  horrible behaviors that they've been exhibiting, right?
• 1:16
  They do. They try to make up for all the
• 1:18
  other horrible stuff they put you there.
• 1:20
  So they use the holidays as like a get back, like a gift back.
• 1:24
  Here's a gift back to you because I treated you horribly
• 1:26
  for the last X amount of years, right?
• 1:29
  That's what goes on right there. But because they hate these
• 1:33
  days, they're typically not going to do something for you on
• 1:37
  a day that they hate, right? So many people take it
• 1:43
  personally that the narcissist or a toxic person or whatever
• 1:47
  didn't do anything for them on Valentine's Day.
• 1:49
  You taking it personal because you feel like, well, this is a
• 1:51
  personal attack on me there. It's about me.
• 1:54
  It's really 100% about me. And yeah, it can look that way.
• 1:56
  It can feel that way, right? But this is the how narcissistic
• 1:59
  person will be with anybody, with most people, except maybe
• 2:03
  the first couple. The first Valentine's Day to get
• 2:06
  you hooked. But after that, no.
• 2:08
  And of course it can cross that line into being personal because
• 2:13
  I know some of y'all are going to say, well, Lee, it does feel
• 2:15
  personal because they do things for their mom on Valentine's
• 2:18
  Day. They do things for their sister
• 2:20
  on Valentine's Day. They give my daughter something
• 2:22
  on Valentine's Day. They give my son, whatever the
• 2:24
  case may be, right? They do something on Valentine's
• 2:26
  Day and it's just, they just singled me out.
• 2:28
  That's a personal attack right there.
• 2:30
  Those are personal. But if it's everybody, if they
• 2:32
  just shut down completely, that's not really about you,
• 2:34
  right? That's not really about you.
• 2:36
  That's about the narcissist in general, just being a horrible
• 2:38
  human being. And this is what they do.
• 2:40
  This is how they handle situations.
• 2:41
  They don't know how to, they don't have know how to manifest,
• 2:44
  manifest any good behaviors on this day, right?
• 2:49
  Because it's, it's like, let's be real, it's high pressure.
• 2:53
  Valentine's Day is very, very high pressure.
• 2:57
  It absolutely is. You can't look at me and just be
• 2:59
  like, well, Valentine's Day is just a day Da da, da, da.
• 3:02
  No, you can absolutely fail Valentine's Day, right?
• 3:06
  And my, me personally, my Valentine's Day, well, my wife
• 3:09
  is very complicated because my wife's mom resting, God rest her
• 3:13
  soul, passed away in like 2009, right?
• 3:16
  And, and her birthday is Valentine's Day.
• 3:19
  So not only is it my wife's mom's birthday, it's Valentine's
• 3:22
  Day. So I used to get confused like,
• 3:24
  should I do something? Should I not do something right?
• 3:26
  So I, but I just, it just makes you want to shut down.
• 3:29
  Like as a narcissist, even before I got with my wife
• 3:32
  previous Valentine's Day, I just did not want to do something.
• 3:35
  It just felt high pressure. It felt unnecessary.
• 3:38
  And I'll almost always come up with excuses as to why I didn't
• 3:42
  want to do anything right. And the crazy mother is like my
• 3:45
  son's, my oldest son's mom when we were dating.
• 3:49
  Her birthday is like 2 days after Valentine's Day.
• 3:51
  So it's just like back-to-back. I was like, God, it's just, oh
• 3:55
  boy. So it's high pressure.
• 3:58
  It's high pressure and a narcissist is going to feel like
• 4:00
  it's unnecessary, right? So on Valentine's Day, they're
• 4:04
  typically typically going to ignore you or they'll start an
• 4:08
  argument. They'll start, they'll get,
• 4:09
  they'll pretend to be pissed off at you for something that you've
• 4:12
  done months ago, years ago, or just, they just don't have a
• 4:16
  good explanation for it. So now they're going to say this
• 4:19
  or do this, right? But let me, let me take you to
• 4:21
  the mind right here again. Let me give you a inside look
• 4:24
  again right here about this situation.
• 4:27
  Sometimes it's not just on Valentine's Day that they'll do
• 4:31
  this, it's before those they'll Rev up.
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  Like they might have started, like you, you might be watching
• 4:36
  this on Valentine's Day, but they might have started these
• 4:38
  behaviors a couple of days ago, right?
• 4:41
  They might have started doing this crazy ass stuff 2-3 days
• 4:44
  ago, like a week ago, like at the beginning of the month, the
• 4:47
  beginning of the year. Like these behaviors might have
• 4:49
  already been started and you just now it's just ramping up
• 4:53
  because it's Valentine's Day today, right?
• 4:59
  And as you navigate forward, yeah, let me say this right
• 5:02
  here, side sidebar. So let me go up and go.
• 5:04
  I'm going off script right now. Do something for yourself today.
• 5:09
  Don't trick yourself man. Stop tricking yourself into
• 5:13
  thinking this Valentine's Day is going to be different.
• 5:15
  If you y'all know how many people I've I've done one on
• 5:18
  ones with over Zoom, like I've done so many right now.
• 5:21
  I still do those at mentalillness.net.
• 5:23
  I've done so many, but you know who I've done with it done one
• 5:26
  on ones with. They are still holding out hope
• 5:29
  that this year is going to be the year like this is going to
• 5:33
  be the year that they change their behaviors.
• 5:36
  This is going to be the year that they switch things up.
• 5:38
  This is going to be the year that they find finally get you
• 5:40
  that gift or that ring or upgrade your ring or something
• 5:42
  like that. This is going to be the year
• 5:45
  that it happens. Why would it be this year?
• 5:48
  And you and you, you end up disappointing yourself, right?
• 5:52
  They, of course they are going to disappoint you.
• 5:54
  But you, you also hold a hand in disappointing yourself because
• 5:57
  you keep telling yourself it's going to be different this year.
• 5:59
  Or maybe maybe they lied to you and told you it's going to be
• 6:02
  different this year, right? Because maybe this year on
• 6:05
  Valentine's Day is that you? You.
• 6:07
  They know you're about to leave you only way out the door.
• 6:10
  And so they promised you that this year would be different.
• 6:12
  But hey, I didn't get paid today, or I didn't couldn't do
• 6:15
  anything. You're overreacting.
• 6:17
  It's just one day. I show you I love you every day.
• 6:20
  Why the hell do you need a gift to prove something?
• 6:22
  This is stupid. I can't believe this
• 6:24
  commercialize has holidays making us break up.
• 6:26
  It's all your fault, blah, blah, blah.
• 6:29
  Boo, Boo, Boo. BBB.
• 6:30
  Y'all get it? Yeah, y'all.
• 6:32
  I didn't said it to my head. It make my head spin some time,
• 6:34
  but I started saying something like that.
• 6:36
  Maybe my head just go around and around like that.
• 6:39
  This is how narcissists operate, man.
• 6:41
  So don't sit right here expecting to say don't wake up
• 6:45
  happy and say don't make unless unless on Valentine's Day.
• 6:47
  You're going to wake up on Valentine's Day and you're going
• 6:51
  to be happy just because you're going to do something for
• 6:53
  yourself. Valentine's Day should be a day
• 6:55
  of it's a day of love, but it doesn't specify what love right?
• 6:58
  You can Valentine's Day make Valentine's Day a damn self love
• 7:02
  day. Why can't Valentine's Day be a
• 7:04
  day of self love, right? Why can't you give something to
• 7:07
  yourself right? Instead of waiting for the grits
• 7:11
  to ruin Valentine's Day that ruined Christmas, do something
• 7:14
  for yourself. Make a plan for yourself today.
• 7:17
  Go buy yourself something, go for a walk, breathe, pray, go to
• 7:21
  church, do something with the kids.
• 7:23
  Whatever it is, nurture yourself today.
• 7:26
  Don't wait on it. Why would you wait on them?
• 7:28
  You've been waiting on them for 5/10/15 twenty years.
• 7:31
  What's why you still waiting on them for do do something for
• 7:34
  you. They're going to tell you that
• 7:36
  they proved their love to you every day I'm here or not.
• 7:39
  I'd go to something 10 years ago.
• 7:41
  You never happy with what I buy. Nothing I do for you is good
• 7:45
  enough. Rabble, rabble, rabble.
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  No, we done with that. We are done.
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  You are done. You can't keep doing the same
• 7:52
  thing over and over, inspecting different results.
• 7:54
  That's insanity. That's why you feel like you.
• 7:57
  That's why you feel like you're going crazy right there.
• 7:59
  Because you you're going insane because you're doing the same
• 8:01
  thing in the same relationship, getting the same treatment, but
• 8:04
  you expecting a different outcome.
• 8:07
  And the crazy thing is, you might get them something for
• 8:09
  Valentine's Day and that'll anger them.
• 8:13
  Imagine giving you a partner something for Valentine's Day
• 8:15
  and they get pissed off at you. Imagine that you buy them all
• 8:21
  the kindness of your own heart. You buy they snakey sniveling
• 8:25
  ass something for Valentine's Day.
• 8:27
  You give them a gift, they act ungrateful, and then they get
• 8:30
  angry because they didn't get you something.
• 8:32
  Well, I didn't buy you nothing to why you buy me something to
• 8:35
  you, may you, you making me feel bad by myself.
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  So you know how you know exactly what you're doing?
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  You know I didn't buy you nothing.
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  I ain't never got you nothing. You can buy me something.
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  How dare you? How dare you be nice to me?
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  How dare you, damn it. Doesn't it sound crazy though?
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  Imagine getting pissed off because your partner did a good
• 8:58
  deed for you, right? Imagine getting pissed off
• 9:01
  because your partner was nice and kind and compassionate and
• 9:06
  thought enough of you to buy you something, but you get pissed
• 9:09
  off at it. That's what they do.
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  They walk around angry. The damn Grinch that stole
• 9:14
  Valentine's Day is real. They'll try to steal your heart
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  and break it. And the crazy thing about it is
• 9:19
  they'll get angry at you for being mad at them.
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  They'll get angry at you for being disappointed in them
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  because you make them feel shame.
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  You want to get inside the mind of a narcissist.
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  When you get angry at me for not doing something, it makes me
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  feel like a bad person. And so when I feel like a bad
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  person, I feel like I'm under attack.
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  So I feel like I have to attack. So This is why a lot of times
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  you get attacked on Valentine's Day, because they feel attacked
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  because you make them feel like a bad person for not doing
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  something. Are they a bad person?
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  Are they bad? Yeah, they've probably been
• 9:50
  horrible to you. You probably thinking they're
• 9:51
  going to use this day to make up for make up for it, but they
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  don't. They use this day to just
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  continue the same horrible toxic gas behaviors that they've been
• 9:59
  doing the whole entire time. Come on now, we got to wake up
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  and I'll say this as well right here, y'all some narcissists and
• 10:07
  we, I know we talk about the bad ones, right?
• 10:09
  Some narcissists will be good on Valentine's Day, right?
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  They will use Valentine's Day to try to Hoover you back in,
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  right? Some narcissists, they probably,
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  like I said again, they probably never done anything for you on
• 10:21
  Valentine's Day, but maybe you broke up with them.
• 10:24
  Maybe you left them, maybe you're no contact with them.
• 10:26
  And guess what? They're going to use this day of
• 10:28
  love, this day of vulnerability to try to suck your ass back
• 10:31
  into this relationship. They're going to try to use your
• 10:34
  vulnerability, use your sadness, use all of this against you to
• 10:38
  make, to reach out to you, to try to catch you off guard, to
• 10:41
  try to get you to have a conversation with them or
• 10:42
  something along the lines of that, right?
• 10:44
  They're going to try to wean you down, drain you, and then
• 10:48
  hopefully get back into your life.
• 10:49
  They might actually buy you a gift because you are you are
• 10:53
  owner what you already left them or you're only on your way out
• 10:56
  the door. They might actually try to buy
• 10:58
  you a gift because of that right there, because they can sense
• 11:02
  it. They have a sixth sense.
• 11:03
  You see what I'm saying? Predatory people like this have
• 11:06
  a damn 6th sense and a lot of times they will do that type of
• 11:09
  stuff. They absolutely will.
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  And that's why it's so important to protect your peace on this
• 11:14
  day. It's so important to protect
• 11:16
  your peace. It's so important to do what you
• 11:18
  need to do to protect your, not just your peace, your mental
• 11:21
  peace, your physical peace, your financial peace.
• 11:23
  Like do something for yourself on Valentine's Day, right?
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  Don't just let them ruin this. If they've ruined the last five,
• 11:30
  if they've ruined the last 10, why are we telling ourselves
• 11:34
  that this year is going to be different?
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  Why are we telling ourselves that this is going to be the
• 11:39
  year that they finally see your worth and your value?
• 11:42
  Your worth and your value is not tied to them?
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  It can't be. If you tie your worth and your
• 11:49
  value to this manipulative, toxic, seething, rageful bastard
• 11:53
  and they're going to take advantage of you, they're going
• 11:55
  to make you feel like you're worth less every single day.
• 12:00
  Worth less and less and less. And guess what happens when they
• 12:02
  give you a little bit? It's going to feel like so much
• 12:04
  more water is that water tastes so much better when you when
• 12:10
  you're dying of thirst food, any type of food.
• 12:14
  You might eat a damn bug if you're hungry enough, right?
• 12:17
  If you're starving, you might eat that damn German cockroach
• 12:20
  that you think is disgusting, right?
• 12:23
  You might like, if you're starving, you might eat.
• 12:25
  You literally might crawl into the corner and you hate
• 12:28
  cockroaches. You might crawl into the corner.
• 12:30
  You might watch. You might watch a German
• 12:34
  cockroach crawling on the roof, right?
• 12:36
  You be like I'm a starve your stomach bubbling.
• 12:39
  You like I'm hungry as hell. Look at that nasty ass
• 12:41
  cockroach. You see it crawling on the
• 12:43
  ceiling, right? And you see it crawling to a
• 12:45
  spider web and a spider is wrapping it up and you like,
• 12:48
  hell no, the spider go there ain't no spider going to eat
• 12:51
  before I do. I pay the bills.
• 12:52
  Here you go snatch that damn spider that, that, that
• 12:55
  cockroach out that spider web and eat it because you're hungry
• 12:58
  enough. That's what it's like when a
• 13:00
  narcissist gives you something after withholding it for a long
• 13:03
  time. This is what it's like when a
• 13:04
  narcissist tells you that they love you.
• 13:06
  And for the first time in six years.
• 13:08
  That's what it's like when a narcissist gives you a hug for
• 13:10
  the first time in seven months. That's what it's like when a
• 13:12
  narcissist gives you a gift for the give you a small gift for
• 13:15
  the first on the first time on Valentine's Day for the first
• 13:18
  time time in years. It's called bread crumbing.
• 13:21
  It's called intermittent reinforcement.
• 13:22
  They do just enough to keep you there and just not to piss you
• 13:26
  off as well. Y'all.
• 13:27
  Well anyway, y'all but y'all. I'll be rambling sometime.
• 13:30
  I'll be getting mad as hell, man, because I want y'all to
• 13:31
  have a good day. I want y'all to have a happy
• 13:33
  day. You're worth more than that.
• 13:35
  You're worth, and your value is not tied to whether or not they
• 13:37
  get you something on Valentine's Day.
• 13:39
  It is absolutely not. You're worth more.
• 13:41
  You just, I can say it all I want to you have to feel it.
• 13:44
  You have to understand it. It has to vibe.
• 13:46
  It has to reverberate in your mind.
• 13:49
  You have to go there with it. Y'all seriously?
• 13:51
  And that's the that's the, that's the mentality that you
• 13:53
  have to go into it with because you are special, you are
• 13:56
  important, you are worthy. You just have to believe it.
• 13:59
  I can say it all I want to you. I can say it till I'm blue in
• 14:01
  the face and I'm a black man. It take it take me a while to
• 14:04
  turn blue in the face, right? Take me a while to turn blue.
• 14:06
  I turn if I'm turning blue, it's a black man.
• 14:08
  You God damn it, You better go get you something to do.
• 14:10
  Go do something for you on birth on your on Valentine's Day.
• 14:12
  Yeah. Anyway, y'all, if you made it
• 14:14
  this far, make sure to check out my website mentalillness.net for
• 14:18
  my one-on-one coaching, which I've helped.
• 14:19
  I've had the opportunity to help thousands of people over the
• 14:21
  last few years. Check, check the reviews out.
• 14:24
  I'm still doing it, still pumping.
• 14:26
  Y'all hit the subscribe. But if you haven't.
• 14:28
  And as always, as always, happy Valentine's Day until this is
• 14:30
  out. Peace.