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The Self-Punishment Trap · Fierce Encouragement

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I talked to somebody this morning who spent the last year trying to figure it out alone.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere along the way in our conversation, he decided that if he couldn't do it alone, if he had to ask for help, then something must have been wrong with him.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of like needing the failure to support himself.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't the struggle, though.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was kind of the asking for help, which showed up in what I observed.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: That part of us that kind of won't believe that are there actually good people or good situations out there, people who won't judge or critique, or even how we can't even see that part of ourself that others can see in us right now.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not sure if that sounds familiar to you, but today in Fierce Encouragement, I wanted to talk about this idea of the self-punishment trap, the belief that we can beat ourselves up and get a better life.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think we can.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I've been trying for years.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I think if you're honest, you already know that too.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And today I just wanted to talk about what was on the other side of that.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: So this is Fierce Encouragement.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Mark Walker.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is a place where we get to have honest conversations about the mind, about leadership, and about what actually takes to live a high-quality life, one that you lead with conviction and confidence and clarity.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: So each week on Fierce Encouragement, I aim to bring you real honest stories and reflections and even practical tools that help you kind of cut through the bull crap and the noise and live a more authentic whole life.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't just the polished stuff either.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's really about performing and getting ready and being that best version of yourself in the moment instead of needing to be perfect or to have the whole thing figured out all at once.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what fierce encouragement is about.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And again, my name's Mark, and I'm happy to have you here.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, let's get into it.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So just to ground ourselves in this idea and stuff that came up from recent coaching sessions.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So in this coaching session this morning, uh, someone who is really sharp and really self-aware and even successful on paper, you might say, from the outside.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: As we visited, I found that they grew up between two different worlds, in a sense.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And both of those worlds were telling them who they needed to be.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think that this person did what a lot of us do in those situations.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: We kind of armor up, we create our defenses.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And this person talked about how they created that logical defense, that sense of certainty.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And they always were prodding themselves and pushing themselves to stay a few steps ahead of everybody, of everything, even themselves.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So this inner critic, this inner voice got really loud, very loud.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, they shared that it's kind of taken over the last many years.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it's starting to cost him many things.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: His relationships, his energy is down, his like physical energy, mental energy, and even his just ability to be present and aware in his own life.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I won't get to everything and I don't want to unwrap it all, but just know this.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: He reminds me of many people I work with.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm being completely honest with you and open, it reminds me of myself a lot.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the main thing.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't just a niche problem or something that one person might have or a part of a the world that needs to be sold to.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: But this is kind of the place, the path that most men, the water you could say, that most men are swimming in.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And we get so damn used to it, we don't even notice that we're wet anymore.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the core right here, because there's a voice.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you know the one.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: The one that tells you you're not doing enough, that you're behind, that you're lazy, that you should have it all figured out by now.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: That voice that's telling you that you're failing the people around you.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: That other men seem to have it more put together, other people have a more well put together life.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the really wild part.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: We listen to that voice.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: We learn to trust it.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: We name it or call it accountability and rational and realistic.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: But it isn't accountability or even close to realistic.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Carl Jung said it really clearly and plainly.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: He wrote this.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: He wrote that a man possessed by his shadow is, quote, always standing in his own light and failing, I'm sorry, and falling into his own traps, living below his level.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: A man possessed by his shadow is always standing in his own light and falling into his own traps and living below his level.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think that warrants a reread.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: When we're blocking ourselves, it's almost that we sabotage ourselves in a consistent way and we don't know how to get out of our own traps.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: But this is what this voice does to us when it comes online.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: That critic, that um accountability, the one that needs to be judgmental, it doesn't lift you up.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it keeps you really small, it keeps you tight and isolated.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's even more convincing when that pressure kind of feels like it's on.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: When we feel pressured or overwhelmed, that voice seems to grow.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: But that voice is not you.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's old programming.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you could even think of it as an old guard dog that learned its job many, many years ago.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it never got the memo that the environment's changed, that the room is different, that it doesn't have to help you survive anymore.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: It might have helped you survive when you were younger, when you needed to be in front of everything, ahead of everything, and and literally survive.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: But when did being wrong or soft or uncertain, that started to feel dangerous now, especially as you approach that.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So again, that guard dog helped you survive some things that happened a long time ago.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: But don't confuse it.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: That you need you can't be wrong, that you can't be vulnerable or open.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's why it feels so dangerous to be open.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because right now, you not addressing that inability to step forward and be open, it's costing you.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's costed me.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Self-punishment is not discipline.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a trauma response wearing a productivity costume.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And really, it doesn't work.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: It just doesn't work.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: It can cost you your connection, it can cost you your energy, it can even take years off your life in maybe ways that you can't always see or quantify.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: But you'll feel it.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: You'll feel it as you live through those years.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And your body actually knows this before your mind or your rational intellectual mind might.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your body might be failing you in some ways.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then when that voice fires up, that negative voice, there's something in you that tightens, you brace up, your shoulders get a little hunched up towards your ears, maybe you get a little shorter or shallow in the breath.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, anything that comes along that might actually help, like a real conversation, um, some moments of prayer or stillness, or even that connection with your partner that you're trying to make, with your spouse, all of that gets pushed away.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you don't want to let it in, but that armor, that obstruction, that protection, that guard dog won't let it in.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Brene Brown writes in her great book, Dare to Lead, that emotional literacy is as critical as language itself.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: She says when we can't name and articulate about what's happening to us in an emotional way, we cannot move through it.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's big time.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that really landed for me the first time I read it, and then the first time I tried to put it into action.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because a lot of men I work with, a lot of people I know, they're highly articulate, they're very well skilled.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: They can talk about strategy and systems and goals and productivity methods all day long.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: But when you ask them how they're feeling right now, they go quiet.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or they intellectualize for 10 minutes.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or they talk about a concept or a method instead of a way of feeling in this moment.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: That emotional tone right now, that energy.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: They've learned to think through everything before they're allowed to feel something.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: And they include things that don't even correspond to thinking.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: We think just like chewing on bubble gum.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Keep the mouth moving, keep the mind moving, everything will be all right.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I worked with another client a few months back, and this is a different guy in a different season of his life, and an older leader, um, another brilliant guy, really honestly decades of experience leading men's groups, helping other people, um, a leader in the financial industry.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: We were deep in the middle of our session, and he said something almost under his breath um that he acted surprised by when he said it.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he said this feeling and finding instead of thinking and solving.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Unquote.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling and finding instead of thinking and solving.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I remember we just left space after that and we sat with it for a few seconds, and it keeps coming back to me and the work and the writing, and I've thought a lot about it a lot in the last couple months because I think so many high-performing people I get the chance to connect with, especially guys, they've been rewarded for their whole lives for thinking and solving and action.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's how they got to where they're at.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's literally the engine of their life.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: But the problems, the issues, the complex things that matter to them most, the ones keep keeping them up uh and anxious at night, they're not the logical problems.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think it goes a little deeper.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: They're the identity problems, the relationship problems, the courage problems.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't believe you can just think your way into courage.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, what's the alternative here?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to be clear because I'm not talking about letting yourself off the hook, so to speak.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about lowering the standard or going soft or kind of giving up.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about a different engine in a sense, a different way of looking at it entirely.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because right now, most guys are willing to beat themselves up to try to make progress forward.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's a stick, um, and they might be behind it.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the assumption is that the more pressure they put on themselves, the more they'll eventually produce results.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, what if instead of that, the stick and the carrot, what if you had something to move towards?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: What if the question moved or shifted away from what's wrong with me into who am I becoming?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I becoming?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Let that be the carrot hanging on the stick.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And cause I guess this rings true for me because I asked someone recently in another conversation just to sit with all that criticism they just dumped on themselves in the first five to ten minutes of us talking.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I asked him, I said, just sit with what you said.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I repeated back a few things, and then just asked them to sit with all of it right now.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then I prompted them, what's the opposite?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's the man on the other side of this look like?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: How does he move and walk through the next day?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: What is this guy doing on a quiet Tuesday afternoon when no one else is watching?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when I asked that question, the room went quiet, not in a distracted energy kind of way, but in a sense of quiet and thinking, because I think that kind of guy, that identity, meant something that was landing with him.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know why?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because he got really good at painting the picture of everything that was wrong, the problems, but he never built up the picture or the solution or the identity.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: He literally spent years, years just cataloging what was wrong and almost no time on everything that was inspiring him to build and move forward.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: He was problem-focused, but didn't have that solution focus, that identity to solve it.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the big shift here.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need more pressure, we need more direction, that identity, that solution focus.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you want to be?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And literally, I catch myself in this all the time.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: So uh don't consider it a judgment.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about it because it's something that I'm learning through and with.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I catch myself here more than I'd like to admit so often, whether it's in building my business, you know, just staying home too much.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I keep things closed in and kind of think I need to protect myself.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I'm really good at convincing myself, um, I can build everything.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then I get stuck behind the screen in a sense.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when I don't involve that emotion, when I don't find a way to let that energy out on purpose through movement or through writing or meditation or journaling, everything moves sideways for me, truly.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: I get wobbly, I get off balance, and in so many ways, I almost don't see it coming.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I've had to get really serious about moving intentionally with my body, but also with my projects.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Again, journaling, getting to the weight room, walks without input, and talking to somebody who actually hears me.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't optional anymore.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I used to think it needed or was optional, but now it's necessary.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And even then, I still have that same inner critic that tries to hijack everything.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: They say things like, Are you doing it enough?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Was that right?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Did you do it correctly?
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And gosh, look how you aren't consistent.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't been consistent this week.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And some days the real win just looks like for me in an embarrassingly simple, uh almost silly kind of a way.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, I swept the kitchen, I took the trash out, I made one call, I showed up and did the things I said I was gonna do.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it feels like I'm lowering the bar, but I'm not.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's just understanding how momentum works, those small, repeated, simple, tiny actions, they can beat those grand intentions and those big gestures, especially as it concerns that self-assessment, that inner critic.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: We build that guy, we build that identity, we build that person up one action at a time.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Again, what are you doing on a quiet Tuesday afternoon?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Make that intention to show up there in a different way.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: So the person I mentioned at the start of this episode, that person who spent a year alone working on themselves, trying to fix things, kind of grinding, uh subcoming to that inner critic, that inner judge, kind of holding it all in.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: He convinced himself that he did not need help.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that didn't mean he failed, not at all.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: He hasn't failed.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: He was just kind of locked up in his own armor in that sense, in his own protection.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: But that protection was tough because it wouldn't let anything useful in.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: That mind that think it thinks that it didn't need help really kind of locked him in.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I want you to hear if any of this is landing for you.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: We don't get extra points for suffering in silence.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's keeping score on how long you white knuckled it alone.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: And there's really no prize at the end of that road, anyways.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: The move, the courageous, the fierce encouragement move move is to reach out.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to have a real conversation about what's actually going on for you and where you want to go, there is a link in the show notes to apply for a free strategy session.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't just surface level mumbo jumbo.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's not performative.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't a sales uh pitch dressed up as a conversation.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a truth, uh connecting there, listening, and two people, even that third mind that's looking clearly at where you're at and where you're headed.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't have to keep doing it alone.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: This has been Fierce Encouragement, and this is the place where we tell the truth about what it takes to grow, to lead, to expand, and to study in our life when it gets loud and off balance.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Mark Walker.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for spending your time here, and we'll see you next time on Fierce Encouragement.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, take care.