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Happy Hour #123: Preparing for a Funeral · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Andy and Samantha become stuff.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: I never told your production of iHeart Radio.
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: And we are back with another happy hour. But we're
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: calling this, I guess an unhappy hour. I don't know,
• 0:24
  Speaker 3: it's a life check hour. Okay, adding new names of things.
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: But before we start, as always, if you are drinking
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: or partaking of anything to enjoy this episode, be responsible
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: and take care of yourself. Always take care of yourself.
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: And if we're talking about product, we're not necessarily being
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: sponsored by that product. Currently things change, who knows, but
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: none of the things that we're talking about today is
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: a current sponsor as of now. So Annie, what are
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: you sipping.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Own light beer?
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Like he's my last one?
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: This is good because I'm trying to clear out my
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: friend a happy occasion.
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: It's an interesting goal, like I know, cleaning it out,
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: but you're like trying to like and try it out.
• 1:12
  Speaker 4: No, it's fact. My friend I had friends over this weekend.
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: They opened it up in like casploun It's really no,
• 1:21
  Speaker 4: because it's all stuff I'm saving for other things. Oh,
• 1:25
  Speaker 4: like I have my Dungeons and Dragons beer. That's saving
• 1:28
  Speaker 4: for Dungeons and Dragons forever and like a bunch of
• 1:30
  Speaker 4: stuff like that.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: So no, no, we have to get an update after
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: your last next one, obviously if your dungeons and dragons.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: I'm sticking with my bubbly water.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: Uh.
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: It's been a rough few days, so I don't drink
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: that much. Let's just get down to it. Uh, that's
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: just who I am.
• 1:48
  Speaker 5: Now.
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: We did go and celebrate together not too long ago,
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: and I had a couple of drinks. Like I had
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: literally two drinks. I woke up hungover.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: It is not fun. I do not like this.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: So I've decided I don't think I'm gonna rink that
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: much at all, if I do at all, because maybe
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: it's sugary drinks. Maybe it's just because I can't take
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: it anymore. Maybe that I've just been really dizzy a
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: lot lately and so it doesn't help.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Who knows.
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: Maybe I'm fartigo who knows self diagnosing all the time.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: But before we start with this episode, it put a
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: content warning. We're going to talk about death and religious
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: religious trauma in general, aging, I guess, because there's a
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: lot when it comes to this. So if y'all don't
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: want to listen to me whine about aging, y'all might want.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: To hop off, because I get it.
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: I get it also, but if you want to hear
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: about my quirky family, stick around, y'all stick around. But yeah,
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: So with that, just recently lost my aunt, my dad's sister.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: She has been in care for a while. She's had
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: dementia apparently for a long time, and it's gotten worse.
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: Her husband who also passed away earlier at the end
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: of last year, so about five months ago so, and
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: he was going through a pretty harsh about of dementia
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: as well, that he was getting kind of volatile because
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: he was so unaware and a little bit of paranoia
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: had stepped in. But he has him and his wife,
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: my aunt and my uncle, their children are like two
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: of them are nurses and works at one of the
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: work at like a care facility for dementia patients specifically,
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: which I didn't realize existed in l J, Georgia, but
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: it does.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: And so they were under good care.
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: And I think they were comfortable, as people like to say,
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: towards the end. My dad is significantly younger than her
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: his other siblings because he was the baby. He's a
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: baby of the family. He's still in his sixties. He's
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: still in his late sixties, but like they were eighties,
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: like in they're in their eighties. I have two aunts
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: left on that side of the family, my mom's side
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: of the family. They are they aboth, still exist and
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: they're not that much older. Actually their age is a
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: little bit different, but so my other two aunts are
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: in their eighties as well. And I don't see my
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: family often, especially that side of the family, actually either
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: side of the family. I don't go to a lot
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: of family get togethers. I don't know if that's part
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: of my like trauma and my anxiety and in general
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: and when it comes to my attachment theories and family
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: biological family, which I don't hold dear oftentimes, Like I
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: am very loyal and I love my family and I
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: will fight for them, but I also will criticize them
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: very quickly and understanding that they are wrong in so
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: many ways, just like I am.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: I'm sure, but.
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: For me, like seeing any kind of racist or bigotry,
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: which happens a lot because they stand on their religious
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: beliefs as a part of their reasoning for this, I
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: don't do too well in any of that. And this
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: side of the family is very old fashioned. I'm trying
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: to keep this.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Respectful.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: They're very old fashioned and some of the beliefs that.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: I grew up with. I've talked about this before.
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: Uh there's not even really a name for this sect
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: of Baptists. I've heard foot washing Baptist. I've heard there
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: was another one country Baptist, a primal uh P first Baptist.
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: I think this is what it's called. But I think,
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: like when I read it, like that's not the same
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: thing because they don't necessarily believe in tongues. They don't
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: believe in like snake handling. That's not a they're not
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: a Pentecostal, that old school Pentecostal ideal, because New Pentecostal
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: is a different level too. They don't believe like what
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: they don't believe in seminaries. They think that's going against
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: the spirit. In general, they're very old old King James
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: version only. I think my parents kind of have stepped
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: away from that, realizing this is a old fashion. You know,
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: maybe we should look around. Nope, no pants and church,
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: no women speaking, no deacons, all those things. You get
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: called on, And when I say called on, you just
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: get a feeling essentially about like becoming a preacher or
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: speaking or any of that. And you can be young,
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: like they don't care how those you are.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: If you say you.
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: Have the calling, which is what they call it, then
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: you can be a preacher. I think I've met seventeen
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: year old preachers who lead churches and become the leader
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: of churches, and you're like, what the all that to say?
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: So really odd?
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: Like I remember one service, this dude got up and
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: yelled and preached about how women were wearing makeup or
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: sinners and causing people to sin and this is what's
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: wrong with the world.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: And I was like, what's that? What's that? What's happening?
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: Even to the point that my family was like no,
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: like they are like but they allowed it, Like it's
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: all these things. So with all that, that's that side
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: of the family. And I'm the reason I'm giving y
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: all this heads up. My partner, who has his mom,
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: is religious like in that she prays and she will
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: read the Bible and she used to go to church.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: She is also very understated. She's very liberal.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: She is all about women's rights, she is all about understanding.
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: Like she and I align of politically very well.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: And she's like.
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: Like a Democrat who's trying to see things through like it,
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: has been working for the party since her college years,
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: Like she was one of the first to think women
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: to be a part of that association and looking at
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: women's rights and votings and all that, so very cool.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: So that's as religious I think. And then I think
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: his follow is Catholic. I believe he told me.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: But not religious.
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: So all that to say is I had to prepare
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: him for what my service was, and I went to
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: the extreme of like, Okay, look, imagine again this is
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: where I'm like, I'm pretty sure much like Menia things,
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: especially when you go into the times of enslavement and
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: all that where you had lower class white people who
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: were not enslaved but not well off and like stealing
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: from black culture.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: Like I think this is where this is coming from.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: Because my church, I had to explain it as imagine
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: you're going listening to a black preacher, so a little
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: more cinematic, a little more drama. But they're screaming, yelling
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: at you, sometimes with a sing songy voice, with things
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: that don't make sense and probably have some bigoted statements.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: And then they take one verse from the Bible and
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: they rent about it for a good thirty minutes, and
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: it may have nothing to do with the actual chapter
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: of the Bible, so I have to explain this. And
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: they will do this at a funeral, and oftentimes they
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: have three or four pastors. So I told them very prepove,
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: like if they be an hour and maybe thirty minut in,
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: maybe three hours, we don't know.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: So he was just like, oh damn.
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: And I was like, and I don't know. Sometimes they
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: do some odd things, and this might include literally washing
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: people's feet, telling people to come to the front to
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: pray individually, get laid hands like, which doesn't sound unusual
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: when you're not used to all of these elements.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: I was like, you.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: Just are gonna have to prepare. You might have people shouting,
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: like literally screaming for no reason, but so all these
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: things and it sounds like I'm trying to scare people.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: But when I told him and he came in, it
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: wasn't as.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Bad as I thought that.
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: I gave him the worst case scenarios of what I
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: was sa scene, but it wasn't that bad. We did have
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: an older man who I'm sure had pretty severe in
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: phasema trying to yell, sing, songy, but not even sing songy.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: It just becomes yelling preaching about the mystical ideas of heaven.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: We'll just keep it at that. Like I'm trying to imagine,
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: like how to say this, and I forgot to tell
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: him because different people have different practices that they do
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: leave the casket open. Not only that, like you go
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: before see the family, see the casket open.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: They have it for a couple of days.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: It's not necessarily awake because there's no fun part to
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: this except for people who you know, get to reminiscence
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: see each other and then coming in and then you
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: walk around the casket to see them again. And I
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: have to put it, put on a big show and
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: then hug everyone, even if you don't know everyone, which
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: by the way, I forgot half of the people.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, and he was going to go.
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: With me because he's a supportive partner, and I was like,
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: you don't want to do this, And as he was
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: watching everybody, he's like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna stay back here.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: Because for him, as he's met my immediate family and
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: as in fact he had met one of my aunts,
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: he now met the entire family whom I don't even
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: talk to as much. And this is also a part
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: of the family who have pretty big gooded ideas and
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: made sure to publicly humiliate people who they felt are wrong,
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: and that could be like whether it's queer. I was
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: apparently talked about about, Oh no, she went to Atlanta,
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: which means the devil got a hold of me, essentially
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: that I have turned away from Jesus and I talked
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: about it. They talked about the fact that Savetha's gone
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: to Atlanta.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Oh no, like that.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: So this is the same side of the family that
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: did all of this and that has all this conversation.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: So trying to prepare my partner for this was surreal.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: But also.
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: With all of these things, And I'm laughing a little
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: bit about it because there were moments where I tried
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: not to laugh during because everything I was telling him
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: could tell it. He was like, oh God, oh God,
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: like when you bring someone to something and you don't
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: mean to but it becomes kind of a show that
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: you were like, but in like laughing because it's it's
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: that moment of like, this is my life. If this
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: was a movie, this was what it's like having those moments.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: But with that, I also witnessed my father kissing his
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: sister for the last time, who was not present because
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: she was dead, you know, seeing that, like having that
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: as scene, but also seeing the fact that this is
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: out of the five siblings that he has, there's six of.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Them, there's only two left.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: And the first thing he said to me was like,
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: you know so and so, who one of my aunts
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: fought and seen in years, was like, she she looks frail,
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: doesn't she. She looks like she's gotten older, which I
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: think I think she looked. I was, honestly, I was like, actually,
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: I think she looks great. She looks much better than
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: I thought. And she has been a smoker for the
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: past sevens like sixty five years, Like she's been smoking
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: for sixty five years, and.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: She still looks great.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: Like she's still walking and there's no walker, there's no
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: you know, like she's coherent. She can hear me well,
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: like all these things. At eighty one and to me,
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: she doesn't look at you one. And my other aunt,
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: who is at eighty four eighty two, I think I
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: think he's eighty four, also looks great. It is very
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: coherent and like like I've seen her a few times
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: because she comes to our family stuff and like it's
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: good to see, but knowing that he is watching them age,
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: and then I'm watching my father and my mother age
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: as well, and there's so many unspoken things there that
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: I feel like I have a level of guilt and shame,
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: but at the same time, like also a little bit
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: of resentment lying here. And then also this takes me
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: to you know, and I've talked about this previously, wanting
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: to try to find my biological family, but wondering if
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: any of them are alive. I don't know the ages
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: of my biological family. And then knowing that my biological father,
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: I don't know the history with him. I don't know
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: if he actually knew that I was going to be adopted.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: I don't know if he actually knew I was ever
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: placed in an orphanage, because he was not a part
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: of that family decision from what I'm aware of, Like
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: all of these things, there are so many things that
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: I can't coab so all of these things are tumbling
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: on top of me with the death of my aunt,
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: who honestly I was close with her for a while,
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: but I distanced myself from them because I very heavily
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: disagreed with a lot of things that they have done
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: when it comes to like personal opinions as such. I mean,
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: twenty to sixteen really ficked up a lot of relationships.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: And I really think that that's part of this for
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: me and trying to figure all this out, and with that,
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: figure all this out, figure my identity out, figure out
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: my place in my family, which feels uncertain or at
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: least like damaged. I guess, I know, I don't know
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: how to say that. And then with that be because
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: there's we have gone so differently in our opinions and
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: our makeup, Like me going away from social work to
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: this podcast really brought a barrier down, really brought some
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: things down that I think my parents are somewhat ashamed of,
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: you know, like that that's this level. So I don't know,
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: and because I now know that I'm the cousin who
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: went to Atlanta, I lost her way. But also when
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: I do see them, and I do hug them and
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: I do talk to them, and this is meant to
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: be a compliment, but it still kind of gets me
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: just like, you know, I love you as one of
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: my own, which has said to me a lot that
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: I'm like I know I'm supposed to receive that with openness,
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: but you need to understand this, like that context of
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: being like a white savior like that. Everyone that I
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: hear from, as well as people who hear my story,
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: they're like, oh my god, your parents are amazing. They
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: really they really took you in as one of your own.
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: I'm like, I feel like a dog. I feel like
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: a puppy. Which don't get me wrong, my puppy is
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: very left and she is one of mine. All of that,
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: so there are so many things that presses on me
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: in this time. And because of those types of moments
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: and those resentments or maybe feeling like maybe they're ashamed
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: of me or like disappointed in me because I'm not
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: what they had hoped. I'm not the token that they
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: had hoped I would be. There lies this level of anxiety.
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: I have been anxious for four days knowing that I
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: was going to this funeral, knowing that I was going
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: to see the family, and knowing that I had to
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: portray this like obviously, I'm already uncomfortable with death. Everybody's
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: uncomfortable with death to a certain degree. I went through
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: that period that and everybody who goes through this and
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: I know, you know of like experiencing death and then
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: somehow revolving around some significant things that make you think, oh,
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: this is the sign of something bigger.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: And it's not good.
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: This is an almondous like stands like all of these
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: things feel like it's piling up on this. So the
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: anxiety coming at this point, like the last five days,
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: my like ritz Crackers not a sponsor, y'all. And I
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: know probably was probably supposed to be like boycotting them somehow.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: I don't know, because every brand needs to be boycotted,
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: I understand, but have been like my source of food
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: that and fruit, like that's all I've been eating because
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: my anxiety won't let me eat any of that. On
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: top of all of these things, and then going to
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: the funeral, I took a half a diaz a PAM.
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: Thank you doctor Warner who helped me with my teeth
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: because he's the one that prescribed me.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: And I had a few left.
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: Over, and I'm like, yeah, need that need that, uh
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: to go And through that, I was like able to
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: make it through without like feeling like I was going
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: to break had have a panic attack. My partner again
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: accompanying me to this was significan It was one of
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: those things like you don't have to come, but if
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: you don't come, this is going to impact our relations,
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: which he knew like he wouldn't even that wasn't even
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: a thought, like he absolutely showed up. But all of
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: those things have left me in such an odd state,
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: like it's just it's a pause, it's a fog where nothing,
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: where everything feels trivial, nothing quite makes sense. But I
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: feel like it shouldn't affect me this much. And it
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: could be that I'm we are not over the world's disaster,
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: so when some small personal thing happens, it feels like
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: that's the final drop that makes everything crack. And that
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: could be where it was. And I will say I
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: didn't even though I was also close to my uncle
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: and who passed away five months ago, it didn't feel
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: like this. I don't know what the shock is. I
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: don't know what this is. It doesn't quite make sense
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: for me. But like all of these things, like opening
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: myself up personally and being like, welcome to the chaos
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: of my family. I'm sorry, and trying to like build
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: that up to realizing we're all aging, like I'm like,
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: I'm watching my face age. I'm washing my hairs turn gray,
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: you know, being forties, and I know that's not old.
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: And I don't feel old except for every now and
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: the end. My body is like pop pop pop pop pop,
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: don't get up, but like aging, like just watching that happen.
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: On top of like feeling like I might be losing
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: chances with the fact that I still don't have a
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: firm grasp of culture, of my culture, of a culture
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: in general, because I feel like I'm borrowing Southern culture
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: because I was placed here, you know, And so those
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: things with the anxiety, with the panic, with the crisis
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: that's happening in the United States and with the crisis
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: that's happening internationally, and feeling like everything is falling apart
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: that bridge following you're like, what the heck is happening.
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: I saw a video like all the I thought that
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: the Cicada's all turning gay. You're welcome at Annie. I
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: wasn't wow, deep dive in that with me sending you that.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: That I started gay.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: I got that first thing in the morning.
• 20:16
  Speaker 4: It was like the first thing I read this ordio,
• 20:18
  Speaker 4: I was like, oh, I was.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Like, how did I jump here? Like I know cicadas
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: are coming, but they're gay, Like what okay, hey nature?
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: But all of these things, it feels, it feels, it
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: feels huge to me, And I know this is a
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: neurotic view of like what's actually happening.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: And again like.
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: She was my aunt and I loved her and I
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: haven't seen her in a while, and I feel like
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: this shouldn't have been the catalyst that pushed me into
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: this point, but somehow I'm here and like feeling like
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: I can't organize it. Does that makes sense? Even as
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: I'm telling he doesn't, like, I think I just made
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: this like even compete more confusing.
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: No, that makes sense. I this is a.
• 21:20
  Speaker 4: Very like much lower key situation, but hopefully the metaphor
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: will stand. One time I was at I was at
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: physical therapy and I was just like visibly upset and
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: the guy my therapist was like, you know, trying to
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: get to the bottom.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: What was wrong.
• 21:37
  Speaker 4: I was like, I feel like I'm not giving you
• 21:39
  Speaker 4: standard numbers, like you always ask me, like how much
• 21:42
  Speaker 4: pain I'm in? Right, I feel like I'm not giving
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: you standard numbers. And he was like, but it doesn't
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: really matter, like this day, even if that pain yesterday
• 21:52
  Speaker 4: was just a two for you, if now it's a four,
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: is it a four?
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: Like?
• 21:57
  Speaker 4: So I think like it makes sense you and I
• 22:00
  Speaker 4: I do this a lot or we're trying to, like,
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: especially in our job, you're always trying to like put
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: into place like on a scale, right, like it should
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: be here, but sometimes it's just not how it works.
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: And like it is also all related, you know, like
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: it's true the world is in total chaos. We have
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: had a lot of friends, a lot of people in
• 22:18
  Speaker 4: our life that are having illnesses. Scares this like that's
• 22:24
  Speaker 4: going to impact you. So it's I don't think like
• 22:28
  Speaker 4: those things. It feels like it should be logical in
• 22:30
  Speaker 4: a way, but it's just not really it doesn't fit
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: into that right.
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: I mean this, yeah, maybe absolutely is like my avoidant
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: personality and being like I will not be a weepy girl.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: And yes, I'm saying this is like this is a
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: very sexist like internalized misogyny that I have that if
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: I can't logically walk through this and iout low for
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: something that a death is hard and painful, but like
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: I'm rationalizing why it shouldn't be as a big deal
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: to me personal like these are all these things that
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: I'm like, this shows that I have strength because like
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: there's also this part of me like I'm like I've
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: grown up with loss, like that is what I know,
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: Like that is this, Like I've always prepared for loss,
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: like inevitably, this pessimist inside of me is like, yeah,
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: everybody's gonna leave whatever that looks like, this is what
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: it looks like. But also and understanding that my reaction,
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: my reactionary response has changed but hasn't and that whole
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: just shut down, which I have partially done, but at
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: the same time like denial because I feel like I
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: don't have time for this. But all of that is
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: saying it's been an interesting.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: And also trying to be.
• 23:56
  Speaker 3: I'm not a planner. I'm not I'm not a like
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: a I'm not a type A person. I'm absolutely like
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: the like laid back, low key uh to a tour. No,
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: that's not true. I take up what is needed. That's
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: actually my personality. If I need to lead, I will,
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: but I'd rather not so I'll let other people lead
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: if there's other people who lead, Like that's that's my
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: personality type. But like so having this like wanting to
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: prep my partner, like I went and bought clothes for
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: him to be like, we need to eat all in black.
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: And then I showed up but if everyone was in red,
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: I was like, what because apparently sort a favorite color.
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: And I was like, oh, okay, well bright spring and
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: my mother wasn't beautiful very pretty spring colors. I was like,
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: and we looked like we just came out of an
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: episode of Matrix. So like.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: It was just like, oh, okay, okay. My partner was like,
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: I think I think we're too black, and I was like, nah,
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: we're good because this is what I would wear it
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: every day anyway. But it was a whole thing.
• 24:49
  Speaker 3: But I would in panic mode trying to buy things
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: from me and him because that was the level like
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: I have to do this, this and this, and let
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: me plan ahead for this and like even though it
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: was again a necessary but this is the level that
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: I pushed into this reaction. My reaction was like, okay,
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: let's overcompensate this way, also prepping him and be like, oh,
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: the church I went to is odd. I'm gonna tell you.
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna tell you, Like people who I would have
• 25:19
  Speaker 3: as visitors would be scared. One person almost cried that
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: I take as a kid when I don't think people
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: understand the scale. I'm kind of yeah, because it's not
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: just like the movies where they scream at you by
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: going to hell.
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: It is not that's not what it is.
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: I don't understand this brand, but I grew up with
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: it was normal to me. I didn't realize untill later
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: what it was. Maybe it was the way you up.
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: I don't know, kids we're falling asleep all the time,
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: who knows. But yeah, so there's it's been. It's been
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: a lot. The last week has been odd. Also, I
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: like didn't tell me people because I think I've said
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: talked about this before. I don't know how to do that,
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: and I know like it just like it feels. But
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: I would be upset if someone else didn't tell me,
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: someone like if you hadn't like you know what I mean.
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: But at the same something like, but I don't know
• 26:15
  Speaker 3: how to do that because it feels unimportant.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
• 26:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I get that. And I've told you I have
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: a I have a real concern with because you were
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: so kind to me. All my friends are so kind
• 26:32
  Speaker 4: to me when my dad died. It's so good, and
• 26:35
  Speaker 4: I was like, I don't know if I could be
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: as good as that, Like there are things that get
• 26:39
  Speaker 4: in your head. Yeah, when you're thinking about those things.
• 26:43
  Speaker 4: So I totally get that. Like I've done that too,
• 26:46
  Speaker 4: where I just won't tell someone and then someone's like
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: wait what.
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: And it's kind of one of those things that you like,
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: I just don't know how to bring it up.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: It just doesn't feel right.
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: Also, again I freeze, but when I freeze, I literally like, no,
• 27:04
  Speaker 3: I don't want to do anything. Yeah, I don't want
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: to get up the cook I don't want to get
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: up to order things. I don't want to text any one.
• 27:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And then when you tell them, you don't know
• 27:15
  Speaker 4: what to say right, kind of like I don't know
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: what I want, I don't know what I need. So
• 27:21
  Speaker 4: it's almost like it's more, well, now I've got to
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: deal with this because I don't this person I was just.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: Trying to help.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: But like it is true, like it's it's gonna be
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: some extra thing.
• 27:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah, when maybe you just don't want to deal with
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: the extra thing exactly.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: And that's like I just it is.
• 27:41
  Speaker 3: But yeah, and with that, yeah, I'm vinning a fog.
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: Uh I warned you earlier, and I think I warn't listeners.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Previously as well.
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: Essentially like it just feels like which I think I'm
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: still suffering from a brain fog from like pandemic stuff,
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: and maybe it's I'm gonna I'm gonna put everything pandemic.
• 28:04
  Speaker 3: I've had COVID before and it was a rough one,
• 28:07
  Speaker 3: and I've had I think maybe perimenopause. Who knows, I'm
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: gonna put all this brain fag together. So like time's five,
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: that's right, I said it, But just feeling lost, like
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: I can't even graspfully next steps and jobs, next steps
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: in like not jobs, but like what a right next
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: episode or doing with what I should be doing, what
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: I shouldn't be doing, and just like I'm already a
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: procrastinator so that doesn't help.
• 28:37
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, well you know I'm always here and you
• 28:43
  Speaker 5: were great for me, so we can support each other
• 28:47
  Speaker 5: in this.
• 28:48
  Speaker 4: But it is really hard. You just can't convince yourself
• 28:53
  Speaker 4: to do anything right. So I get you.
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: I mean, I get to look at the right future
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: of watching New Moon and eclipse, So there's that.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: There's that.
• 29:07
  Speaker 4: I hope that it does bring you some joy in
• 29:11
  Speaker 4: this time. I will be watching it tomorrow so excited. Yeah,
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: hope you text me with all the great reactions.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: I need you to.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I don't know what to expect. You don't.
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: Well, thank you for sharing, Samantha and yes, listeners. If
• 29:33
  Speaker 4: you have any thoughts about greed for preparing a significant
• 29:39
  Speaker 4: other for in your family, because it is a lot
• 29:45
  Speaker 4: of it's a lot of stuff, well, you can write
• 29:48
  Speaker 4: to us. You can emails at seventy mom stuff at
• 29:51
  Speaker 4: iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us on Twitter at
• 29:53
  Speaker 4: most podcast or on Instagram and TikTok that stuff. One
• 29:56
  Speaker 4: ever told you. We have a tea boblic story and
• 29:58
  Speaker 4: we have a book you can get wherever you get
• 30:00
  Speaker 4: your books. Thanks as always to our super producer Christina,
• 30:03
  Speaker 4: our executi producer, and our contributor Joey. Thank you and
• 30:06
  Speaker 4: thanks to you for listening.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: Step I never told you the production of My Heart Radio.
• 30:09
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• 30:10
  Speaker 4: out the heart Radio app of the podcast, or wherever
• 30:12
  Speaker 4: you listen to your favorite shows.