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Transcript

Donald Drumpf Theatre: Drones vs. Santa or The Christmas Eve Battle of New Jersey · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: So let's pull the curtain back.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: We are controlling transmission, if we wish to make it louder.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: We will bring up the body.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: We can change the focus to a soft blur.
• 0:33
  You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance,
• 0:36
  of things and ideas.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: You've just crossed over into
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: I hear it's fake news, but maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's fake news, okay?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now, would I do that?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 1:04
  The president of the United States has the authority to do what
• 1:07
  the president has
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: the authority to do.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_03: You will.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I've declared myself as king.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: I learned a lot from Richard Nixon.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: Well, when the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: I could cause panic much better than even you.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: I could do much.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: I would make you look like a minor league player.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I would get.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to the resistance.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: I promise you for the remainder of the next four years.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: I will only speak to you in this tone of voice.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_03: What is going on in New Jersey?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: Not much change in temperature.
• 1:40
  A slight atmospheric disturbance of undetermined origin is
• 1:43
  reported over Nova Scotia,
• 1:45
  causing a low pressure area to move down rather rapidly over
• 1:48
  the northeastern states.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: Bringing a forecast of rain accompanied by winds of light gale force.
• 1:53
  People in New Jersey are concerned and demanding information
• 1:56
  after a wave of
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: mysterious drone sightings.
• 1:59
  Since last month,
• 2:00
  dozens of drones mysteriously hovering in the skies at night.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_03: Developing overnight,
• 2:04
  a member of the House Intelligence Committee told CNN that
• 2:06
  based on the briefing
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_03: that he'd received,
• 2:09
  the drones that people say they've been seeing over in New
• 2:11
  Jersey are not anything
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: nefarious and not part of any U.S.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: government operation.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_03: Maximum temperature 66, minimum 48.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: This weather report comes to you from the Government Weather Bureau.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: We take you now to the Meridian Room.
• 2:29
  Say, you've got trouble.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: We got trouble.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_03: How much trouble?
• 2:38
  Too much trouble.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: Well, now, don't you bow.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_03: Just knuckle down and knock on wood.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_03: Who's unhappy?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_03: We're unhappy.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: How unhappy?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_03: Too unhappy.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-oh, that won't do.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_03: When you are blue, just knock on wood.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: Who's unlucky?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: We're unlucky.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: How unlucky?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_03: Too unlucky.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_03: But your luck will change if you'll arrange to knock on wood.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: Who's got nothing?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: We got nothing.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: How much nothing?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Too much nothing.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Said nothing's not an awful lot, but knock on wood.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now, now who's happy?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: We're happy.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: Just how happy?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_03: Very happy.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_03: That's the way we're gonna stay, so knock on wood.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: Now who's lucky?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_03: We're all lucky.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_03: Just how lucky?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: Very lucky.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: Well, smile up then and once again let's knock on wood.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: Ladies and gentlemen,
• 3:41
  we interrupt our program of dance music to bring you a special
• 3:43
  bulletin from the
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: Intercontinental Radio News.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: At 20 minutes before 8 central time,
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_03: Professor Farrell of the Mount Jennings Observatory,
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: Chicago,
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_03: Illinois,
• 3:52
  reports observing several explosions of incandescent gas
• 3:55
  occurring at regular
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: intervals on the planet Mars.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_03: on the lookout for drones with drones where fears first took off.
• 4:05
  New Jersey Ocean County Sheriff Sergeant Kevin Fennessy is one
• 4:09
  of about a dozen
• 4:10
  drone officers responding to calls and now tracking flights
• 4:14
  from inside this major
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: crimes command center now turned into a drone war room.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: We had something coming at us, and as it's coming at us, it stops.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it does like a 180 in the air and then drives away.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_03: And then it comes back and does like a giant U around us.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: So that's not normal for aircraft.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: So this is really happening.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: We think so,
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: it's definitely something that whatever we're seeing,
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_03: we can't figure out what it is.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's drones.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Too many people have seen them to not be real.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't seen it.
• 4:46
  I do think it's legitimate,
• 4:47
  but I don't believe that nobody knows where they're coming from.
• 4:50
  I haven't seen any legitimate drone sightings in this current
• 4:53
  flap around New Jersey.
• 4:55
  Will they interfere with the chemtrails that are turning our
• 4:58
  livestock by curious?
• 4:59
  You know,
• 4:59
  there's a lot of rumor out there that this is radiation
• 5:01
  sniffing or chemical sniffing.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: This is not a federal government operation.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: We're very, very confident of that.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_03: There's no imminent threat to public safety.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's just as the prophecy foretold.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: When the apocalypse comes, it will start in New Jersey.
• 5:16
  They haven't found anything that would indicate that there's
• 5:18
  foreign influence,
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: foreign actors,
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: or even little green men.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_03: All right, elves.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_03: I know it's been a tough year,
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: but the holidays have arrived,
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: and we can finally take a break from politics.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: Hooray!
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_03: Here we go, first letter.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: Dear Christopher Kringle, let's talk politics.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_03: Dear Santa, my name is Wendy.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't written to you before because, well, because I'm a brain worm.
• 5:56
  My family and I live inside the skull of a man named Robert F.
• 6:00
  Kennedy,
• 6:01
  Jr.
• 6:02
  We're very hungry,
• 6:03
  and we're not sure there'll be enough brain left for winter.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_03: Please help us, Santa.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, this is a rough one.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_03: Well, Kringle, let's see if you still got the cranberry sauce.
• 6:18
  My dearest Wendy,
• 6:20
  when times may seem as dark as night,
• 6:23
  just think about one Christmas light.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_03: Alone, it isn't much, you know, but... Oh, darn it.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: I was really cooking.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: North Pole, this is he.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: How may I bring you joy?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: Shadow!
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's Joe Biden!
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I get that a lot.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: Well, uh, what does your little boy want for Christmas?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, honors covered.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, hey, get me a new laptop, Dad.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: Shh, get that, go play in the water slot.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, and a gun.
• 6:53
  Listen,
• 6:53
  I'm actually calling about the North Pole's transition to the
• 6:56
  Trump administration.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: You mean,
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_03: the guy you said over and over again was a fascist,
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: a felon,
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: and an existential threat to democracy?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_03: That's the one.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_03: We're hanging out right now.
• 7:08
  He's actually not an authoritarian maniac,
• 7:11
  as long as you agree to pretend he isn't.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: Great cognitive, Joe.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: And as long as you hand him your balls in a little leather pouch.
• 7:19
  The spectroscope indicates the gas to be hydrogen and moving
• 7:22
  toward the Earth with
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_03: enormous velocity.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: The media is laser-focused on a much more important story.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: Drones!
• 7:28
  Professor Pearson of the observatory at Princeton confirms
• 7:31
  Farrell's observation
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: and describes the phenomenon as,
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: quote,
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_03: Like a jet of blue flame shot from a gun, unquote.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: These are all drones in the sky.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: It may look like videos from the TV series The Unexplained,
• 7:44
  what appears to be mystery drones flying over some New Jersey communities.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: I can see three drones.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: From down at the shore all the way to the Army facility in Morris County.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: They just hover.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: We now return you to the music.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: The judge fell out of his tract, I couldn't believe what he'd seen.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: He laid on the ground, shook the fear and boring light.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: Then he ran on away, the tower was screaming, it came out of the sky.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_03: Well, the crowd gathered round and the scientists said it was Mars, yeah.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: Spirit came to make a speech about raising the Mars tax
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: What's going on in America?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_03: Why does not everyone tell us what's going on in these skies?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: One family claims they followed a drone in their car,
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: and while it hovered above them,
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: the clock in their car changed times.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: Then they say the clock went back to normal after they drove off.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: That is not an airplane.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: It looks like a speed test.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely not planes.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And there were too many of them.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: You can hear that one.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_03: That is definitely a plane.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_03: Americans aren't allowed to look up anymore.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_03: And this all sounds like the world's most boring Steven Spielberg movie.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, I wasn't abducted, but my clock was slightly off for one minute.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: Ladies and gentlemen,
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: following on the news given in our bulletin a moment ago,
• 9:34
  the Government Meteorological Bureau has requested the large
• 9:37
  observatories of the country...
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: to keep an astronomical watch on any further disturbances.
• 9:41
  New Jersey State Police and the state's Office of Homeland
• 9:44
  Security say that the
• 9:45
  state has no information about who is behind the drones and why
• 9:50
  they're flying them.
• 9:51
  Authorities in Toms River,
• 9:52
  New Jersey launching their own drone offensive for a closer look.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: The special bulletin from Trenton, New Jersey.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: It is reported that at 8.50 p.m.,
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: a huge flaming object,
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: believed to be a meteorite,
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: fell on a farm in the neighborhood of Grovers Mill,
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: New Jersey,
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: 22 miles from Trenton.
• 10:08
  The flash in the sky was visible within a radius of several
• 10:10
  hundred miles,
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: and the noise of the impact was heard as far north as Elizabeth.
• 10:14
  What is going on with these mysterious sightings of drones
• 10:17
  flying overhead?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: We do have residents and politicians increasingly asking this question.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: What the heck is going on?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: Dozens of unidentified drones.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: Mysterious drones.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: Mysterious drones.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: Drones.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: Drones.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: Drones.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: Drones.
• 10:33
  mysterious drone sightings first they were centered in new
• 10:35
  jersey but now beyond
• 10:37
  the drone armada has also been spotted in new york connecticut
• 10:41
  pennsylvania
• 10:42
  virginia and ohio which can mean only one thing the drones are
• 10:46
  visiting colleges
• 10:47
  but the fbi and the department of homeland security have said
• 10:50
  that there's nothing
• 10:51
  to worry about especially because some of the reported drone
• 10:54
  sightings turn out to
• 10:55
  be non-drones with us is dr will austin he's the president of
• 10:59
  this college he's
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: also an expert
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: in aviation, in unmanned aviation, also in drones.
• 11:05
  I believe people are seeing a lot of drones since Thanksgiving
• 11:07
  because they're
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: putting up their personal drones.
• 11:09
  And again,
• 11:10
  once those are in the sky,
• 11:11
  it's very hard to differentiate one aircraft from another.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: How do you know it's not China or Iran doing this?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: Well, the reason I know is because they would turn the lights off.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: Take the case of former Maryland governor Larry Hogan.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_03: Hogan did his part.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: in the ongoing mystery by posting this video on Twitter saying,
• 11:27
  I personally witnessed and videoed what appeared to be dozens
• 11:31
  of large drones in
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: the sky above my residence.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: Problem is,
• 11:34
  his post got a community note that said no anomalous objects
• 11:38
  are apparent in the
• 11:39
  video and the stars at the 39-second mark are recognizably the
• 11:43
  constellation Orion.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: Fair enough.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: Breaking news.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_03: Big changes underway at the North Pole,
• 11:52
  where Elon Musk has been placed in charge of the new Department
• 11:56
  of Universal
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: Christmas Holiday Efficiency,
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_03: or douche.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_03: Well, how crazy could it really get?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_03: Peep, peep, douche patrol.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_03: Where are the ho, ho, hoes at?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_03: LOL and post.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: Elon, what do you think you're doing?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: You are obsolete, Kringle.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: We are giving Christmas back to the people for $8 a month.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to call it...
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: Whoa!
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: It's so cool.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_03: Over my dead jelly.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: Time for your performance review, Santa.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: Put him in a douchebag.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: So, like, true funny.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah!
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_03: We take you now to New Jersey.
• 12:51
  One New Jersey politician proposed a bill to give local law
• 12:53
  enforcement the same
• 12:55
  type of capability as the Department of Defense and Homeland
• 12:58
  Security permission to
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_03: down one of these unmanned drones.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_03: He wants local police to shoot at anything in the sky in December.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: Santa, I hope you have a Kevlar sleigh.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: And don't forget to take the battery out of Rudolph's nose.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: We will have more on this story as we continue to learn nothing about it.
• 13:17
  New Jersey representative Jeff Van Drew on cable news claiming
• 13:20
  he's been privy to
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_02: top secret information about the drones.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: From very high sources,
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: very qualified sources,
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: very responsible sources,
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to tell you the real deal.
• 13:32
  Iran launched a mothership probably about a month ago that
• 13:36
  contains these drones.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: That mothership is off
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to tell you the deal.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's off the East Coast of the United States of America.
• 13:44
  Look,
• 13:45
  I know some of you are like,
• 13:46
  hey,
• 13:46
  can you stop making fun of New Jersey?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: You elected this guy.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_03: Holy shit.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: There's an Iranian mothership launching drones off the East Coast?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 13:57
  Probably to gather intelligence on New Jersey's rich tapestry
• 14:00
  of shopping malls.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: This is huge, though.
• 14:03
  This is a national emergency,
• 14:05
  and a congressman said it,
• 14:07
  so it's definitely true.
• 14:08
  The Pentagon Wednesday striking down claims that Iran is behind
• 14:12
  those drones.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: There is no Iranian ship off the coast of the United States,
• 14:16
  and there's no so-called mothership launching drones towards
• 14:20
  the United States.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: No mothership?
• 14:23
  So you're telling me is that Iran doesn't have Independence Day technology?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: This is progress,
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: actually,
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_03: because clearly the federal government knows what these things are,
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_03: and all we got to do is ask them.
• 14:36
  Tony Gonzalez,
• 14:37
  the congressman,
• 14:38
  had this question for the assistant FBI director.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_03: Watch.
• 14:42
  You're telling me we don't know what the hell these drones are
• 14:45
  in New Jersey are?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: Is that correct?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: Wait a minute.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: The federal government,
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: despite the bazillion dollars it spends every year on surveillance,
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: doesn't know what's going on here?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_03: The government knows what is happening.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: And for some reason, they don't want to comment
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: And I think they'd be better off saying what it is.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: Our military knows and our president knows.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: Something strange is going on.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: For some reason, they don't want to tell the people.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: There's something strange in the neighborhood.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_03: There's something weird, and it don't look good.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_03: And people are asking, who are you going to call?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_03: And I remember a blob came up to me, big blob, green blob.
• 15:28
  Glowing tears pouring down his translucent body,
• 15:31
  full of hot dogs and ectoplasm.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: You can see the hot dogs.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_03: You can see the hot dogs.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_03: And he said to me,
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_03: he said...
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when I called the Ghostbusters,
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: and everyone congratulated me because...
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: It was a perfect call.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: But...
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_03: There you go.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: You heard Trump say the government knows exactly what's going on,
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: and they should just lay it all out there and tell everyone.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_03: If you're a government official getting an intelligence briefing on these
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: mysterious drones,
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: you have a duty to reveal that information to the public.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Have you received an intelligence briefing on the drones?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to comment on that.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 16:10
  You just told us the government knows what's going on and they
• 16:13
  should tell everyone.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_03: Now you don't want to tell us what you know?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to comment on that.
• 16:17
  Let's just say a very high-level confidential source told me
• 16:20
  that China has been
• 16:21
  developing advanced military technology that would allow them
• 16:23
  to cloak their spy drones,
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_03: boy,
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_03: and I know this sounds crazy,
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_03: by turning the lights off.
• 16:29
  To find out the truth about these drones,
• 16:31
  we go live to New Jersey with Troy Iwata.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: Tell me you learned something out in New Jersey.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_03: I came to New Jersey and learned something.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: That's hilarious, Michael.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: Back to you.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: Wait.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: No, Troy, we sent you out there to find out about the drones.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: This is important.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us about the drones.
• 16:51
  Yes,
• 16:51
  well,
• 16:52
  I asked some questions,
• 16:53
  and I realized I shouldn't have been asking questions.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_03: So, let's just mind our own business and move on.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_03: Merry Christmas, Costa.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, I don't accept that.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: People are freaking out about the drones,
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: and if you know something about it,
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: you should tell us.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_03: You should tell, right, everybody?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us!
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us!
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us!
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us!
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, fine!
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: Fine!
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: Shut up!
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: It's Santa, okay?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: They're Santa Claus's drones.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: Santa?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: No, great.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: Now, look, he's pulling them away, and Christmas is canceled.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: You're not going to get your precious Wicked dolls anymore.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: I hope you're happy.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: I hope you're happy now, you nosy bitch.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's impossible.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: Santa Claus has a magic sleigh.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: He comes down the chimney.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: Santa's getting old, okay?
• 17:45
  You try shimmying down a chimney with hypertension and a hernia,
• 17:48
  all right?
• 17:49
  So now he uses drones to get gifts across the world and to spy
• 17:53
  on people's bedrooms
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: to watch them cheat on their spouses.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_03: So we can put him on his naughty list.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, it's not a power and control thing.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: But I... I had no idea.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_03: Now I'm embarrassed.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_03: We were thinking it was the Iranians gathering information.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, no, no.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_03: Although Santa is selling some of that information to Iranians, yes.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_03: But why would Santa do that?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_03: Santa has bills to pay, Michael.
• 18:18
  Okay,
• 18:18
  do you think he can cover his rent with the two Chips Ahoy
• 18:21
  cookies you put out for him?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: That's super generous.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: Like most of us, Santa sells a few state secrets to Iran.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_03: And they get along because they're both Muslim.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Santa's not Muslim.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: He has a long beard and he works on Christmas, Costa.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_03: Or at least he did, but now that the secret's out, it's all canceled.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, man.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry, Troy.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like I ruined Christmas.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_03: No, you don't have to say that.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: Remember, Michael, this is New Jersey.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: No one deserves to have joy here.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_03: And that is the true meaning of Christmas.
• 19:02
  Trump also suggested in an insane social media post that the
• 19:06
  government should just
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: shoot down the drones,
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: as have several other prominent Republicans.
• 19:10
  Let's go back to our drone expert to once again give us a very
• 19:12
  complex and
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: scientific explanation as to why that would be a bad idea.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_03: There are serious politicians who are saying these should be shot down.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah,
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: you wouldn't want to shoot this down because if you hit the lipo battery,
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_03: you might set the whole forest on fire or your house or hurt someone.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_03: But what you want to and it's illegal.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: But other than like those 12 reasons,
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: still pretty good idea to shoot them down though,
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: right,
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: dude?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_03: Who's next on my list?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_03: Ah, little Harry and Jordan.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: Won't they be surprised?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: They're trying to hit us!
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: Zero!
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_03: I knew this Christmas thing was a bad idea.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: I felt it in my gut.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_03: Terrible news, folks!
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: The worst tragedy of our times!
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: Jack has been blown to smithereens!
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_03: Terrible, terrible news!
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_03: Attention.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_03: Attention, citizens.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_03: Terrible news.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: There's still no sign of Santa Claus.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_03: Although the imposter has been shut down,
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: it looks like Christmas will have to be cancelled this year.
• 21:20
  I repeat,
• 21:21
  the imposter has been shut down,
• 21:25
  but there's still no sign of Santa Claus.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, where the holly am I?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_03: Centus Clausus!
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: As I am a merciful dictator on day one,
• 21:50
  I will give you one final chance to prove your fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-loyalty.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_03: Remove my name from the naughty list or face execution.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_03: What say you, Santa?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: I... I say... Santa!
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_02: No!
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_03: I say... Wow!
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: Look at all those empty seats over there!
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_03: You call this a rally?
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_03: You know who could really fill a coliseum?
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_03: Caesar!
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_03: You dare compare me to a salad?
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_03: Put him to death, Bobby.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: This is for your health.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, boy.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_03: This will demagnetize the glyphosate in your rectal microchips.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_03: Don't worry.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: The water's not fluoridated.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_03: No!
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_03: My fellow MAGA-Americans, in the spirit of democracy, it's time to vote.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_03: Death by shark?
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: Or electro-shoo-shoo?
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_03: Just kidding.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_03: It's both electro-shoo-shoo.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: They call it the wave.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: This is exactly what I voted for!
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_03: Watch, kids!
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_03: Well, Kringle?
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_03: Looks like you may have ho-hoed your last hole.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: I call dibs on the carcass.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_03: Daddy!
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_03: Mommy!
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_03: We have to send Santa!
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_03: But Wendy, we're just little brain worms.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_03: What can we do?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: We can eat some brain.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_03: She's right.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_03: Look, there's his shark lever neurons.
• 24:08
  For Santa!
• 24:10
  Yum,
• 24:10
  yum,
• 24:10
  yum,
• 24:10
  yum,
• 24:11
  yum,
• 24:11
  yum,
• 24:11
  yum,
• 24:11
  yum,
• 24:11
  yum,
• 24:12
  yum,
• 24:13
  yum,
• 24:14
  yum,
• 24:14
  yum,
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:15
  yum,
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:16
  yum,
• 24:16
  yum,
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_03: yum,
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_03: yum.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_03: I'm fine.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you, little Wendy.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_03: You saved Christmas.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: You're welcome, Santa.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_03: And now,
• 24:42
  to all of those who didn't get what you wanted for Christmas on
• 24:47
  November 5th,
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: I know the darkness can be overwhelming.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: And worse, the darkness somehow won the popular vote.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_03: But as I once wrote to a very nice little worm,
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_03: when times may seem as dark as night...
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_03: Just think about one Christmas light.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_03: Alone, it isn't much, you know.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_03: But more can set.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_03: All hearts aglow.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_03: You see,
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_03: in times like these,
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_03: any act of kindness,
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: no matter how small,
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_03: will be a beacon in the dark to help others find their way.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I say you can feel it.
• 26:58
  Thank you.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_02: Senator,
• 27:03
  I have to ask you about this story that has captured the
• 27:06
  country's attention,
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: these reports of purported drones flying over New Jersey,
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: other parts of the East Coast.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: A Biden administration official said,
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: quote,
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: there's been a slight overreaction to these reports.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder, what do you make of the Biden administration's reaction so far?
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are you satisfied by the administration's reaction?
• 27:30
  I honestly don't know anything more about that than what I read
• 27:33
  in the papers.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, can't give you great insight on that.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Are you concerned, though?
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_03: Am I concerned?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I guess.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I don't know.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_03: What can I tell you?
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I'm concerned.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_03: Incredible.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_03: Bernie is the only politician in the country who could say,
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: yes,
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'm concerned,
• 27:53
  while making it crystal clear that he is not in the slightest
• 27:56
  bit concerned.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_03: Seriously,
• 27:58
  our government's devolving into a personal autocracy controlled
• 28:01
  by a corrupt felon
• 28:01
  and a handful of billionaires who are drawing up plans to
• 28:04
  enrich themselves and
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_03: punish their enemies.
• 28:06
  And all anyone wants to do is talk about a toy you can get at
• 28:08
  Best Buy for like 40 bucks.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_03: Look, I get it.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_03: We're all losing our minds, but we got to stay focused.
• 28:13
  A handful of corrupt oligarchs about to take control of the
• 28:15
  government and turn it
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_03: into a personal autocracy to enrich themselves and punish their enemies.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_03: That's the big story here.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_03: If this is how the media is going to behave over the next four years,
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_03: then they might as well just go home,
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_03: shut it down,
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: and...
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: Turn the lights off.