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Minisode: Snatch That Kid Up with Chelsea + Catherine · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, guys, it's Chelsea and Catherine here you So today, Catherine,
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  Speaker 1: we are doing one of our minisodes, and so we
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  Speaker 1: have one couple calling in for couples counseling.
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  Speaker 2: Correct exactly, exactly, and for anybody else who wants to
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  Speaker 2: write in, polase write in yes for sure loves great
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: advice for couples.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I am just I'm flawless in my advice
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  Speaker 1: giving everybody.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, so far, it's been four years.
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  Speaker 1: I well, I mean not four years of one hundred.
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  Speaker 1: You know, I'm sure there's some upset customers, but that's
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  Speaker 1: par for the course. You know.
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  Speaker 3: It's not like I have a degree just operating on
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  Speaker 3: you know, vibes and good vibes.
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  Speaker 1: I'm operating on good fucking vibes.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, okay.
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  Speaker 2: So our question today on our couple's counseling with Chelsea
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  Speaker 2: comes from Lynn and Kara. Dear Chelsea, we're writing in
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  Speaker 2: for some advice on whether or how to expand our family.
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  Speaker 2: My partner and I have been married for six years,
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  Speaker 2: and we grew our family a year into marriage in
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  Speaker 2: a somewhat unconventional but deeply meaningful way as two women
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  Speaker 2: in our prime fertility years, we consider the full range
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  Speaker 2: of options, sperm donor, private or international adoption, fostering, adopting
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  Speaker 2: from foster care, you name it. Ultimately, we were matched
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  Speaker 2: with an eleven year old girl whom we fostered for
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  Speaker 2: three years before finally becoming her legal guardians aw Our
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  Speaker 2: plan was to was always to adopt her, but the
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  Speaker 2: system had its own timeline. Whole story there. She's now
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  Speaker 2: sixteen and we love her dearly. At the time we
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  Speaker 2: welcomed her into our home, the idea was to have
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  Speaker 2: more children, but we quickly realized that wouldn't be the
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  Speaker 2: right decision for her or for us at the time. Now,
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  Speaker 2: with her only a few years from graduating and us
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  Speaker 2: both still just thirty four, the question of whether to
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  Speaker 2: grow our family is back on the table. Here's where
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  Speaker 2: it gets complicated. There seemed to be ethical concerns around
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  Speaker 2: every path. Sperm donor have you seen the man with
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  Speaker 2: a thousand kids? Enough said? Private adoption feels uncomfortable bidding
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  Speaker 2: for babies while so many children in the system need homes,
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  Speaker 2: foster care, I do it again. My wife isn't so sure.
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  Speaker 2: After everything we went through the first time, and beyond that,
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  Speaker 2: both aware of the broader ethical tension of bringing more
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  Speaker 2: people into a world that feels increasingly unwell. Add to
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  Speaker 2: that are many, many frustrations with society at large, especially
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  Speaker 2: when it comes to how we raise youth. And it's
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  Speaker 2: easy to feel like throwing in the towel. And yet
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  Speaker 2: I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of the
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  Speaker 2: family we once envisioned. In many ways, I'm fulfilled. I'm
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  Speaker 2: a mom to an incredible daughter who loves and needs us.
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  Speaker 2: We get the privilege of guiding her into adulthood, but
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  Speaker 2: I also love being a mom, and there are joys
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  Speaker 2: of parenthood that we haven't yet experienced and still long for.
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  Speaker 2: So I guess we're writing in either to have you
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  Speaker 2: say don't have kids, you idiots, which honestly might be
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  Speaker 2: the easiest answer, or to help us untangle whether we're
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  Speaker 2: walking away from something too soon. Part of me thinks
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  Speaker 2: we should just enjoy our impending empty nest freedom. The
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  Speaker 2: other part wonders if we're exactly the kind of people
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  Speaker 2: who should be raising more kids, because we get how
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  Speaker 2: hard and beautiful and complicated it all is.
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  Speaker 1: Lynn and Kara, Hi girls, Linkara, Hi, you guys are cute. Wow,
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  Speaker 1: great job fostering at eleven year old. I mean, listen,
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  Speaker 1: right off the bat, instinctually I would say to you,
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  Speaker 1: you guys were open to fostering. I mean, those are
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  Speaker 1: the kids that need it the most. You talk about
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  Speaker 1: bringing children into this world. It's a very valid point.
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  Speaker 1: There are so many children that need homes. So it's
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  Speaker 1: almost like to me, if you're if that's something you've done,
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  Speaker 1: and I know how complicated that system is. I have
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  Speaker 1: a cousin who's fostered and to adopt and that turned
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  Speaker 1: into an adoption, and I know that it is exhausting.
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  Speaker 1: But when you're up for it, which you two seem
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  Speaker 1: to be, then it's kind of like you're meant to
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  Speaker 1: do that. Like, if you've done.
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  Speaker 3: It, you know the ropes.
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  Speaker 1: You already have an advantage going in because you've been
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  Speaker 1: through this system before, and you're helping somebody who's already
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  Speaker 1: here in this world that doesn't have the guidance that
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  Speaker 1: the two of you can provide. And I love what
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  Speaker 1: you said, guiding them into adulthood. I think that is
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  Speaker 1: really profound and exactly what parents are meant to do.
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  Speaker 1: It's not like you own your children. You're just supposed
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  Speaker 1: to guide them into becoming you know, big, big humans
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  Speaker 1: and good humans, and you both seem like, you know,
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  Speaker 1: just from your letter, wonderful human beings. So I would say,
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  Speaker 1: if you're going to do it, to try to go
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  Speaker 1: down that road again, knowing that it's going to be
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  Speaker 1: a difficult path, but that the outcome is going to
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  Speaker 1: outweigh the work that you put into it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I'm open to that.
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  Speaker 4: I don't know she is. I think what makes it
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  Speaker 4: difficult is that even going and taking that path, there's
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  Speaker 4: just so much that isn't in our control, which I
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  Speaker 4: guess is true about children, regardless of how you do
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  Speaker 4: or don't bring them into the world, but how you
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  Speaker 4: raise them. But I think it's one of the things
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  Speaker 4: that has stuck with me in raising the child we
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  Speaker 4: have now, is that like every step we take, and
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  Speaker 4: this might be the age that she came to us too,
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  Speaker 4: like there's always sadness before happiness when you go through
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  Speaker 4: that path, right, because there's a loss of a family,
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  Speaker 4: there's a loss of so many things, and that's like
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  Speaker 4: really heavy and the world already feels so heavy that
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  Speaker 4: a part of me is like, I don't know if
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  Speaker 4: I can do that again if that makes sense. And
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  Speaker 4: when I think about like broadening the family, there's like
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  Speaker 4: so many joyous things that I feel like we also
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  Speaker 4: didn't really get a chance to experience that. I feel
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  Speaker 4: like taking that path again. Maybe it at a different
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  Speaker 4: age we would have a slightly different experience, but it
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  Speaker 4: just feels like dark and heavy to go down that
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  Speaker 4: road again right now. Maybe there's things we're not ready
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  Speaker 4: right now.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe it does, but I mean, yeah you are.
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  Speaker 4: I mean, you got it.
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  Speaker 1: Getting a girl at eleven years old is much different
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  Speaker 1: than getting a baby or getting even a three year old,
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  Speaker 1: you know it is. It's like and there's no doubt
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  Speaker 1: that it's going to be difficult, but that's going to
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  Speaker 1: happen with any child. That even if you had a
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  Speaker 1: child and you got a sperm donor like that, all
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  Speaker 1: of that's going to happen. What's different about the fostering
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  Speaker 1: system is that it's so frustrating and there's so much bureaucracy,
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  Speaker 1: and you know, parents have so many rights and so
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  Speaker 1: they finally don't have the rights the birth parents. You know,
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  Speaker 1: they have to fuck up so many times and there's
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  Speaker 1: all this stuff that can happen. And while that does
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  Speaker 1: sound challenging and onerous. It sounds like something that you
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  Speaker 1: too can handle. And I'm of the idea that if
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  Speaker 1: you can handle something, then you should be the people
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  Speaker 1: that are doing it, rather than like, you know, say
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  Speaker 1: you were looking at another couple. Say you were looking
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  Speaker 1: at a six year old kid that needed a home, Okay,
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  Speaker 1: a six year old little boy who had been in
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  Speaker 1: foster care for six years, and you saw another couple
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  Speaker 1: that were going to foster him, and you knew that
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  Speaker 1: they didn't have the capabilities or the capacity to love.
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  Speaker 3: In the way that you did.
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  Speaker 1: Wouldn't you want to just go snatch that kid up
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  Speaker 1: and do everything you had to provide the home that
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  Speaker 1: you've already been able to provide for someone, Like you've
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  Speaker 1: proven yourself in this arena. I really feel that when
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  Speaker 1: you do something well and have crossed all these hurdles
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  Speaker 1: and what you said, I hear you, there's sadness before
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  Speaker 1: there's happiness, Like I think you won't have an identical
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  Speaker 1: experience to the one that you had. And there's just
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  Speaker 1: so many children out there that need homes, and when
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  Speaker 1: you really care about that, then that's your answer. You know,
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  Speaker 1: go help somebody that needs a home. You don't have
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  Speaker 1: to do it tomorrow. But if you're on the fence
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  Speaker 1: about it's like you're not on the fence about loving
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  Speaker 1: children and wanting to help them. You're not on the
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  Speaker 1: fence about that. So I think that it's a definite
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  Speaker 1: yes for you guys, and it's just a matter of
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  Speaker 1: which way you decide to go. And I would say
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  Speaker 1: fostering is you know, from somebody who's never done this
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  Speaker 1: if before in my life, just that you know, I'm
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  Speaker 1: just from what I can here from you, a.
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  Speaker 3: Pretty close relationship with it compared to Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, now I've seen it firsthand what happens and
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  Speaker 1: how frustrating that is. But you know, you guys have
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  Speaker 1: a lot of love to give. And when you have
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  Speaker 1: a lot of love to give, it's kind of your
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  Speaker 1: I think it's your responsibility to give.
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  Speaker 4: It sucks to be good people, you.
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  Speaker 3: Know, That's right, That's right. Honestly, I don't have anything
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  Speaker 3: to add to that.
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  Speaker 2: I think my only question for you is how important
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  Speaker 2: is it to you to pass on your DNA.
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  Speaker 3: Is that a need like a feeling either of you have?
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  Speaker 1: Not?
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  Speaker 3: For me, No, that's a man thing. Women don't give
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  Speaker 3: a shit hence the man with a thousand kids.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think if that's not something that you feel
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  Speaker 2: a great desire for, then you know, I think the
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  Speaker 2: sperm donor route as a So.
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  Speaker 1: It's just like, this world is such a mess right now,
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  Speaker 1: do you really want to do that? Do you want
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  Speaker 1: to bring someone in the world? Right? You don't want
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  Speaker 1: to add you want to comfort what exists here.
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  Speaker 2: Is a question for you too, since obviously you've been
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  Speaker 2: researching this and looking into all the possibilities.
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  Speaker 3: Quite a bit.
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  Speaker 2: So between a private adoption or foster care, like is
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  Speaker 2: there the ability to sort of like be open to
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  Speaker 2: both of those and like put your names in the
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  Speaker 2: hat for both of those, and like see if one
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  Speaker 2: starts to feel right or if you start getting more
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  Speaker 2: you know, someone said to your questions from the agencies
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  Speaker 2: or those sorts of things, like just to feel it out.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, that's an interesting question. So adopt a license and
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  Speaker 5: a very state by state, but to be licensed to
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  Speaker 5: adopt a separate of being licensed to foster, and the
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  Speaker 5: routes that those children go through are very different.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would imagine it's like obviously another cost
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  Speaker 2: to get the license to adopt, correct.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, which isn't a big I mean, we don't care
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  Speaker 4: about that. And when we previously, you know, we're planning
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  Speaker 4: to adopt, we were only licensed to adopt, and so
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  Speaker 4: that was our plan, even though the child was in
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  Speaker 4: foster care. But they the system did its thing. Yeah,
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  Speaker 4: they're like, oh, after we had already like decided and everything,
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  Speaker 4: they're like, oh, you know, well this might not go
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  Speaker 4: through for a little bit. And so we got license
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  Speaker 4: to foster so that she could come into our home
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  Speaker 4: versus being like, oh, nice to meet you and have
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  Speaker 4: a good life.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so you're sort of already ready on both of
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  Speaker 2: those counts.
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  Speaker 1: Sorry, I don't mean just foster, I mean adopt or
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  Speaker 1: foster an existing kid, just somebody who's already here. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: if you go down the adoption route, I mean, it
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  Speaker 1: might take longer, but you're going to get the it's
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  Speaker 1: not going to be the bureaucracy you dealt with with
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  Speaker 1: foster care. And that's also a way to rescue someone,
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  Speaker 1: you know, to get them in a safe place.
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  Speaker 3: So I agree with Chelsea.
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  Speaker 2: You two feel like people who absolutely have more parenting
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  Speaker 2: to give and more love to give.
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  Speaker 3: So yeah, find a kid who's out.
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  Speaker 2: There and maybe just like leave it open to both
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  Speaker 2: or you know, get registered for both and see which
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  Speaker 2: one starts to present itself. Because I do think that
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  Speaker 2: the people and come into our lives that should be
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  Speaker 2: in our lives. You know.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and thank you guys for doing that. That's beautiful.
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  Speaker 1: You're both a beautiful couple. I know you're going to
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  Speaker 1: make good decisions and provide and I'm so happy to
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  Speaker 1: hear that you were able to get an eleven year
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  Speaker 1: old little girl under your wings and guide her because
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  Speaker 1: she's going to be you know, her whole future has
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  Speaker 1: changed because of you. So you have the ability to
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: do that for people, and you should do you should
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  Speaker 1: do it well.
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  Speaker 4: I was saying, this is from the start, so now
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  Speaker 4: that you said it.
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  Speaker 3: She's like Chelsea to do.
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  Speaker 1: By the way, I'm never encouraging people to have children,
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  Speaker 1: so this is at first. But yeah, so like, keep
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  Speaker 1: us mosted, let us know what happens, will you.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah we will, Okay, bye bye.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: I just announced all my tour dates. It's called the
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: High and Mighty Tour. I will be touring from February
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: through June, So go get your tickets now if you
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: want to come see me perform. I will be on
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: the High and Mighty tour.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: Do you want advice from Chelsea, Right into Dear Chelsea
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
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  Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea pod.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: producer Catherine Law And be sure to check out our
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: merch at Chelseahandler dot com