Latest / Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge / Catching the Love Bug

Transcript

Catching the Love Bug · Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge

0:02
Speaker 1: This is Teddy Teapod. Hi, guys, welcome back to this
0:13
Speaker 1: week's Teddy Teapod. It's almost a Valentine's Day, It's the
0:17
Speaker 1: month of February, so I mean, why not talk about
0:21
Speaker 1: sex and intimacy? I mean, plus, I'm a million years pregnant.
0:24
Speaker 1: I mean, aren't I the perfect one to discuss it
0:27
Speaker 1: considering I'm like breathing heavy just sitting here talking into
0:30
Speaker 1: this microphone. So I am bringing on Jenny Marie Battistin.
0:37
Speaker 1: Did I say it right? You know what I'm already
0:40
Speaker 1: crushing today? Um. She is a licensed marriage family therapist.
0:45
Speaker 1: She speaks about foundational romance, how to continuously learn about
0:48
Speaker 1: each other, keeping your relationship noon exciting, Tainted love that
0:52
Speaker 1: makes me immediately think about the song Tainted Love. Okay, anyways,
0:57
Speaker 1: I want to saying for you guys. Um, no romance
0:59
Speaker 1: after baby dating this Valentine's Day, infatuation, juicy, and new
1:06
Speaker 1: rules for dating apps. Let's break down some of these
1:09
Speaker 1: bullet points. I'm kind of I need to know new
1:13
Speaker 1: rules for dating apps? Okay, what are they? Well, don't
1:18
Speaker 1: be so quick to swipe left. Just don't judge based
1:22
Speaker 1: on their appearance. Read through their app, their profile, and
1:25
Speaker 1: see is there something more there explored a little bit deeper.
1:30
Speaker 1: You might be swiping left on someone who really is
1:33
Speaker 1: a solid individual and has something that really could be
1:37
Speaker 1: a relationship that could be the relationships of all relationships. Uh,
1:42
Speaker 1: don't wait too long for that first date. You ever
1:46
Speaker 1: get caught in that time where you're like having so
1:48
Speaker 1: much fun sending back witty little things through the app
1:52
Speaker 1: and you know, exploring a conversation. There's all these fun
1:55
Speaker 1: sparks that's going, but you never get to that first date.
1:59
Speaker 1: It's because it died out right, It dies out, Yeah,
2:01
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden they've ghosted you before long.
2:04
Speaker 1: So within a week and a half, you really should
2:07
Speaker 1: be meeting up at that point, even if it is
2:09
Speaker 1: for the you know, coffee date, which you know, I
2:12
Speaker 1: don't really particularly care for the coffee date. Do something
2:15
Speaker 1: a little bit different. Oh so what tell me? Tell
2:17
Speaker 1: me why no coffee date? You know it's such a cliche.
2:21
Speaker 1: Be a little bit creative, Show your creative side, show
2:24
Speaker 1: your fun side. You know, meet up at the dog park,
2:27
Speaker 1: Go to a bookstore and peruse what books you enjoy. Uh,
2:31
Speaker 1: meet up at a gallery, look at some artwork. Do
2:35
Speaker 1: something a little bit more fun, go roller skating? Why not?
2:40
Speaker 1: And how do you know if a dating app just
2:42
Speaker 1: like doesn't work for you? Yeah, you know, it's so hard.
2:46
Speaker 1: You got to be um more in that organic world.
2:50
Speaker 1: So means you've got to get out there and be
2:52
Speaker 1: in the organic world. Go join a club or an
2:55
Speaker 1: organization that you're passionate about. You're gonna find someone who's
2:58
Speaker 1: passionate about it. Or you like rock climbing, go to
3:02
Speaker 1: one of the rock climbing clubs. You like hiking, join
3:05
Speaker 1: a hiking group. Find something that's going to be an
3:08
Speaker 1: interest you enjoy that. You could find a partner. So
3:11
Speaker 1: good ideas? Um, okay, No romance after baby. How to
3:16
Speaker 1: maintain intimacy and close communication after children? Yeah, you know.
3:21
Speaker 1: Remembering to say I love you every day and have
3:26
Speaker 1: those moments of partying and reunions each day, even if
3:30
Speaker 1: you just grab each other for that twenty second hug
3:34
Speaker 1: before you leave in the morning and when you come back,
3:36
Speaker 1: are really important. Surprise each other with little romantic gifts
3:40
Speaker 1: or little romantic notes. I love when you hide a
3:43
Speaker 1: little note maybe in the bathroom or throw it in
3:47
Speaker 1: their briefcase or their purse. You know, let's show your
3:50
Speaker 1: partner you're thinking about them. Um, you know, throw one
3:54
Speaker 1: in where the diapers are, so when you're out getting
3:57
Speaker 1: the diaper you find a little note. It's like from
3:59
Speaker 1: your partner. Fun, Oh, that's I recently did this. You guys,
4:04
Speaker 1: don't be shocked. But the other day, my husband was
4:07
Speaker 1: really like just you know, he was having truthfully, I mean,
4:11
Speaker 1: he was really sad about Kobe and I. He was like,
4:14
Speaker 1: I'd never seen him cry so much. And I just
4:18
Speaker 1: left him a little note like with next to his
4:20
Speaker 1: breakfast and I had to rush off with the kids
4:21
Speaker 1: and go to work and whatnot. And I was like,
4:25
Speaker 1: you know, I didn't really think much of it. I
4:26
Speaker 1: just was like, love you. I had to miss you
4:28
Speaker 1: this morning. I'm really thinking about you. I really appreciate you,
4:31
Speaker 1: and you know, I'm sorry that that you're really sad.
4:33
Speaker 1: This is heartbreaking. And but that night he brought it up,
4:37
Speaker 1: he was like, hey, just so you know, I really
4:39
Speaker 1: appreciated that note today. And so it's crazy what just
4:42
Speaker 1: something so small could really mean to somebody. So like,
4:46
Speaker 1: if you're having that moment, and it really, I mean,
4:48
Speaker 1: it really took me thirty seconds could really touch somebody.
4:53
Speaker 1: So like, let's remember to keep doing that. I mean, guys,
4:56
Speaker 1: don't get me wrong, I don't do that often. I
4:58
Speaker 1: needed to do it a lot more. And like I
5:00
Speaker 1: was writing down notes as you were giving me the
5:02
Speaker 1: other information. But I did accomplish one goal. So I
5:05
Speaker 1: just you know, I had to self brag about it. Um, okay,
5:10
Speaker 1: tainted love? What to find the truly toxic relationship? Yes,
5:16
Speaker 1: you know. I think the biggest thing is are you
5:18
Speaker 1: thinking about that person and you know, trying to meet
5:23
Speaker 1: their dreams and they're not thinking about yours? Um, are
5:27
Speaker 1: you uh constantly compromising in an unhealthy way? You're always
5:32
Speaker 1: giving yourself and there's no healthy compromise. That's a problem.
5:37
Speaker 1: You know, if you're putting your dreams, your hopes to
5:40
Speaker 1: the side. Uh, you're always going to doing their activities
5:44
Speaker 1: or you know, let's say they do agree to go
5:47
Speaker 1: do an activity with you, but they're soaking the the
5:51
Speaker 1: worst that's the worst worst, like go kick rocks. I
5:54
Speaker 1: don't want to be around you with your bad behavior. Well,
5:58
Speaker 1: I know we have to take a little break and
5:59
Speaker 1: then we've had to come back and we have so
6:01
Speaker 1: many good listener questions. We have lots of listener questions
6:14
Speaker 1: and just some are for me, and I want you
6:16
Speaker 1: to kind of diagnose me as we're going through because
6:19
Speaker 1: obviously I'm a little bit crazy. Um okay, So the
6:23
Speaker 1: first listener question is how many times have I been
6:26
Speaker 1: in love? I would say that I have. There are
6:33
Speaker 1: four people that stand out in my life of maybe
6:37
Speaker 1: maybe love. My high school boyfriend. I don't know if
6:41
Speaker 1: I was actually in love with him. I mean we
6:42
Speaker 1: would like do drive by his house to like see
6:44
Speaker 1: if he was home from football practice, or like we
6:48
Speaker 1: wrote love notes, or like he would leave mentos in
6:51
Speaker 1: my locker and if he didn't, we were in a fight.
6:53
Speaker 1: I mean those types of things, like very young whatever.
6:56
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's necessarily love or not, but
6:58
Speaker 1: it's a memory of lie those times. There was one
7:02
Speaker 1: person when I first moved out to Los Angeles. He
7:06
Speaker 1: was like a b actor and he was like the
7:08
Speaker 1: first guy that I thought broke my heart. I wasn't
7:11
Speaker 1: really in love. I wasn't in love with him. I mean,
7:14
Speaker 1: he definitely was not in love with me, but like
7:17
Speaker 1: it was the first time that I remember being like, wow,
7:20
Speaker 1: that really hurt, Like I got ditched at a party
7:22
Speaker 1: and he went like hooked up with somebody else. And
7:24
Speaker 1: I remember being like that scarred me for like a
7:26
Speaker 1: good year. Oh that's the worst. That's the word. So that.
7:30
Speaker 1: And then I was married before my husband, and I
7:32
Speaker 1: do know that I was in love with him. I
7:34
Speaker 1: think I was in love with him more of like
7:36
Speaker 1: as a friend. Um. And then my husband that I
7:40
Speaker 1: have now edwin UM. But I think they're all different
7:43
Speaker 1: kinds of love. Is that true? Absolutely, there's all kinds
7:46
Speaker 1: of different love. And you know, I think Valentine's Day
7:50
Speaker 1: is that time that we think of Cupid's arrow. It's
7:52
Speaker 1: that fun love, that passionate love, that type of love
7:56
Speaker 1: that you're like, I can't wait till I see you,
7:59
Speaker 1: But what's in our seeing? Sometimes that's not the love
8:01
Speaker 1: that lasts. For instance, when you were talking about the
8:04
Speaker 1: drive buys, you know, when you're obsessed by someone and
8:07
Speaker 1: you're driving by and you're thinking about them every moment
8:10
Speaker 1: and you think they meet every quality that you've ever
8:13
Speaker 1: had had on a checklist. Might just be Cupid arro
8:16
Speaker 1: for a moment, right, I mean, but I don't I
8:19
Speaker 1: don't know if it was necessarily obsessed. It was like
8:22
Speaker 1: all of my girlfriends who would get in each other's
8:24
Speaker 1: cars like inner cheerleading outfits, and we'd be like, I
8:27
Speaker 1: wonder if the guys are home from practice, dad, and
8:29
Speaker 1: they haven't. They haven't page me. My maroon page hasn't
8:32
Speaker 1: gone off yet. But it was more like fun, and
8:35
Speaker 1: I think it was just the first idea of having
8:38
Speaker 1: like a crush on somebody. Yeah, I mean crushes are fun. Obviously,
8:43
Speaker 1: puppy love is fun. But what will really last over
8:47
Speaker 1: time is something where there's reciprocal relationships. So he's thinking
8:52
Speaker 1: about you too. You are getting that text message, you
8:54
Speaker 1: are getting that page. Who do you How do you
8:57
Speaker 1: think somebody knows if they're if it's the real, right
9:01
Speaker 1: kind of love. Well, you know, something that is high quality,
9:05
Speaker 1: is well built, and there's going to be a foundation
9:08
Speaker 1: that's there. They've really taken a chance to get to
9:12
Speaker 1: know you, get to know all your ins and outs,
9:14
Speaker 1: see you the good, the bad, the ugly moment, and
9:17
Speaker 1: still really appreciate you in those moments. So that takes
9:21
Speaker 1: time and it's not something that's going to happen in
9:25
Speaker 1: just a couple of weeks. And what do you think
9:27
Speaker 1: a good way to show somebody love is the right way. Yeah,
9:32
Speaker 1: it's getting to know them by asking those open ended
9:36
Speaker 1: questions to really know their internal world, their hopes, their dreams,
9:42
Speaker 1: to you know, find a little bit of the fun,
9:44
Speaker 1: the favorites. You know, ask those fun questions of if
9:47
Speaker 1: you had five million dollars, what would you do first? Um,
9:51
Speaker 1: To really kind of understand what's important to them, their values.
9:55
Speaker 1: So step outside of the box, step out of the
9:57
Speaker 1: norm of the types of questions that you talk about
9:59
Speaker 1: with it gets home from work and yes, and kind
10:02
Speaker 1: of keep it interesting, all right, makes sense? And do
10:05
Speaker 1: you think that people can fall out of love? And
10:08
Speaker 1: what do you do like For example, falling out of
10:11
Speaker 1: love when you're twenty isn't necessarily the biggest deal, But
10:15
Speaker 1: falling out of love when you're married and you have
10:17
Speaker 1: four kids, that's a bigger deal. So, I mean, how
10:22
Speaker 1: how do you start to know if you're falling out
10:24
Speaker 1: of love? And are you really falling out of love
10:26
Speaker 1: or do you just not want to do the work
10:28
Speaker 1: on trying to work on your relationship. I think a
10:31
Speaker 1: lot of people don't know how to do the work.
10:33
Speaker 1: They haven't had either a good example growing up or
10:36
Speaker 1: other relationships around them. Um, they sometimes think if you
10:40
Speaker 1: have to work this hard, that maybe it's not right.
10:43
Speaker 1: But anything that's built to last is going to take
10:46
Speaker 1: work really investing each other and prioritizing your relationship. And
10:51
Speaker 1: it's difficult after kids, and four kids is a lot.
10:55
Speaker 1: It's a lot to juggle, but to remember who your
10:57
Speaker 1: partner is and set aside that time I'm to continue
11:01
Speaker 1: to get to know them, continue to explore the world
11:04
Speaker 1: and have conversations that are just beyond hey, what happened
11:08
Speaker 1: at work today. Well so if you but if you're
11:11
Speaker 1: not in a situation where you have kids and you're
11:13
Speaker 1: married and you're oftentimes what you see and especially like
11:17
Speaker 1: in this newer generation of people in relationships or situation
11:21
Speaker 1: ships that I've heard about, which is like where you
11:23
Speaker 1: have one foot in, one foot out. You don't want
11:25
Speaker 1: them to date anybody else, but then you don't necessarily
11:31
Speaker 1: want to be exclusive with them. How do you know
11:34
Speaker 1: if that person is worth it? Like, how do you
11:36
Speaker 1: know if it's time to make that next step? Or like,
11:41
Speaker 1: how do you know if it's time to call it quits?
11:43
Speaker 1: Because oftentimes I'm saying a lot, especially with like some
11:46
Speaker 1: of my younger friends they are making up and breaking
11:48
Speaker 1: up like crazy, and so how do how do you know? Yeah,
11:53
Speaker 1: are you interested in similar dreams? Do you want to
11:56
Speaker 1: help each other accomplish those dreams? Are you interested in finding, hey,
12:03
Speaker 1: what do we have in common and how can we
12:05
Speaker 1: build that together? Um, Relationships that have a similar dream
12:10
Speaker 1: are ones that are typically going to go to the distance.
12:13
Speaker 1: And in the beginning infatuation, you just think they're cute,
12:18
Speaker 1: you know, and you think they're kind of adorable, but
12:20
Speaker 1: you don't kind of go beyond there to find out
12:23
Speaker 1: and explore what are we going to build in this
12:25
Speaker 1: life together? Right? And but I think sometimes you know,
12:29
Speaker 1: you don't necessarily know your dreams when you meet your
12:33
Speaker 1: partner and also being able to work together as you
12:37
Speaker 1: both grow. I think I will sometimes see one person
12:42
Speaker 1: and I mean my husband and I have struggled with
12:44
Speaker 1: this in the past, where one of us is growing
12:46
Speaker 1: faster than the other and we're having a hard time
12:49
Speaker 1: meeting eye to eye because the other one isn't kind
12:51
Speaker 1: of I don't know, I'm trying to think of the
12:54
Speaker 1: way it is like there was a time when I
12:57
Speaker 1: was really struggling in my life and I was a
13:00
Speaker 1: us like bringing him down like I would bring my negative,
13:04
Speaker 1: negative energy into our relationship and was looking to him
13:08
Speaker 1: to make me feel better versus taking action for myself.
13:12
Speaker 1: And it was something that was like a big wake
13:14
Speaker 1: up call for me, and I started watching our sex
13:18
Speaker 1: life everything getting better when I started taking action and
13:22
Speaker 1: feeling good. But I think it's hard to know because
13:25
Speaker 1: we get into such a negative headspace when it really
13:28
Speaker 1: is us. Yes, well, there is a really good balance
13:32
Speaker 1: between still maintaining who we are as an individual and
13:37
Speaker 1: not wrapping our entire life into that other person and
13:40
Speaker 1: expecting them to fulfill us for everything that we are
13:43
Speaker 1: doing some of our own personal fulfillment, and we are
13:46
Speaker 1: exploring our own dreams, but then we're also talking about
13:50
Speaker 1: that dream with our partner and sharing and they become
13:53
Speaker 1: our cheerleader and they root us on for those things.
13:56
Speaker 1: But we also have to do a healthy balance of
13:58
Speaker 1: rooting our own self on. And how do you know, Like,
14:01
Speaker 1: how can we tell our listeners like, no matter how
14:04
Speaker 1: much you're rooting yourself on, like your partner is not
14:07
Speaker 1: coming on to on to play with you, like he
14:09
Speaker 1: is not there for you. How do you like, how
14:11
Speaker 1: do you know it's time? No? Yeah, so if we're
14:14
Speaker 1: sorry to get into you know, what I would call
14:16
Speaker 1: more of a toxic relationship with a person is more
14:19
Speaker 1: self absorbed. They're thinking about their selves. They're not asking
14:22
Speaker 1: about your dreams. They are, you know, one upping you.
14:26
Speaker 1: Maybe even you come home and you're like, I've had
14:28
Speaker 1: this terrible day, and then they launched immediately into their
14:32
Speaker 1: terrible day. They're not able to reflect and stay with
14:35
Speaker 1: you and stay in that place of understanding your experience
14:39
Speaker 1: for the day. Um, they're not really interested in you
14:43
Speaker 1: as a person going and growing. That's a good point,
14:46
Speaker 1: all right. I like that. I like that. Um. The
14:49
Speaker 1: next one for me was, what was the first thing
14:51
Speaker 1: I noticed about my partner? Okay, well, I mean, I
14:55
Speaker 1: gotta be really honest here, and I don't. I can't
14:57
Speaker 1: take the judgment. I can't take the judgment. I don't
15:00
Speaker 1: really remember meeting my husband super well. I was like
15:04
Speaker 1: tipsy entering a nightclub. He I was walking in, he
15:08
Speaker 1: was walking out. I don't necessarily remember this part, but
15:13
Speaker 1: I guess he like did a turnaround and like walked
15:15
Speaker 1: in and asked me if, um, he could buy me
15:18
Speaker 1: a drink? Um, And you know what the rest was
15:22
Speaker 1: history on night one. But the next morning I woke
15:25
Speaker 1: up and I'm like, oh, code red, Like my alarm
15:27
Speaker 1: went off at five forty. Had to be at work,
15:30
Speaker 1: and I remembering, like, you need to get out of here,
15:33
Speaker 1: like this is like by like I was recently divorced.
15:37
Speaker 1: I'm like, we we gotta go. I'm like, Edward, let's
15:39
Speaker 1: move there and lose it, buddy, come on, and um
15:42
Speaker 1: he was like, well, I mean you gotta it was
15:44
Speaker 1: like before Uber's. So he's like, well, can you drive
15:47
Speaker 1: me to a Starbucks so I can get like a
15:48
Speaker 1: taxi from an easier place, And I remember the entire
15:53
Speaker 1: time that we were driving, we were laughing, and so
15:57
Speaker 1: that's my first real memory. Is like that next day
16:00
Speaker 1: where I'm like a disaster having to go to work
16:02
Speaker 1: at six am, and I'm kind of just like teasing him,
16:05
Speaker 1: like he had a ponytail at the time and like
16:07
Speaker 1: leather pants on, not kidding, And I was like, honestly,
16:11
Speaker 1: you are so not my type, Like how did this happen?
16:14
Speaker 1: He was like I don't know, must have been the drunks,
16:16
Speaker 1: you know, like whatever, But he could take a joke
16:19
Speaker 1: and laugh with me, and then he would tease me
16:21
Speaker 1: back in that moment, I was like, Okay, I don't
16:24
Speaker 1: know what this is going to turn into, but this
16:26
Speaker 1: morning was fun. And I like a person that can
16:30
Speaker 1: laugh and like take I can get kind of serious sometimes,
16:34
Speaker 1: and he can like make a situation fund for me.
16:37
Speaker 1: So for me, that's what I first noticed about my partner.
16:41
Speaker 1: I love that he made you laugh. I mean we
16:43
Speaker 1: need that because someday all the you know, when we're
16:47
Speaker 1: old and wrinkly, we need that person who can still
16:49
Speaker 1: make us laugh and like not he wasn't like taking
16:52
Speaker 1: himself too seriously. So for me, like, those are things
16:55
Speaker 1: that I realized I really like in somebody because life
16:59
Speaker 1: can be very serious sometimes and like, yes, we want
17:02
Speaker 1: to have those serious conversations, and yes we can, but
17:05
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, when like stuff is
17:08
Speaker 1: out of our control, you want somebody that's gonna be
17:11
Speaker 1: able to like smile or tell you a joke or
17:13
Speaker 1: like laugh at your joke and you're like, okay, all right,
17:16
Speaker 1: life's okay. So that's my long slash short answer. Um,
17:22
Speaker 1: how many partners have I had in the past? Excuse me?
17:29
Speaker 1: What a certain number for someone else to be a
17:31
Speaker 1: deal breaker? Um? I'm not going to share my number.
17:34
Speaker 1: People can be a little judge. Um, but I it's
17:39
Speaker 1: not the lowest number in the world, is not the
17:41
Speaker 1: biggest number in the world. UM, but I do know that. UM.
17:46
Speaker 1: I told my husband my number. I don't know what
17:50
Speaker 1: it was like the beginning, and he asked, UM. I
17:52
Speaker 1: don't think he cared either way. And when I asked
17:56
Speaker 1: him his he was like, I don't know. I was like, well,
17:59
Speaker 1: whatever mindnumber is now is like definitely better than yours. UM,
18:04
Speaker 1: but I don't know. For me, it's not necessarily a
18:06
Speaker 1: deal breaker. UM. But what are your thoughts on numbers?
18:09
Speaker 1: And people that are take that very seriously? Yeah, you know,
18:13
Speaker 1: everyone's so different, and I think it's finding someone who
18:15
Speaker 1: is open to talking about it. UM. I have a
18:19
Speaker 1: range of clients. I have clients that they have no
18:22
Speaker 1: numbers and they've purposely gone into life saying, you know
18:25
Speaker 1: what I want the one and only and that's it
18:28
Speaker 1: and that's what works for them. And then I have
18:30
Speaker 1: clients who said, you know, the number really doesn't matter
18:33
Speaker 1: to me, and other clients that are a little bit
18:35
Speaker 1: concerned about it. Is this person gonna see me as
18:38
Speaker 1: their last and only and be okay? With that. UM,
18:41
Speaker 1: So it's really finding someone who's open to dialoguing about it,
18:44
Speaker 1: comfortable about dialogue about it. I do know that Edwin
18:48
Speaker 1: said to me when I said my number, he goes,
18:50
Speaker 1: what every girl I've ever been with has told me. Three.
18:54
Speaker 1: I'm like, that's just the number they say. It sounds
18:57
Speaker 1: it sounds really good, but come on, um, but I
19:00
Speaker 1: think that's something. Yeah, truthfully, you talked through with your
19:03
Speaker 1: partner and you figure it out. And I can't even remember.
19:08
Speaker 1: I think it was I heard on Ryan Seacrest one
19:10
Speaker 1: morning about somebody talking about there was a couple that
19:15
Speaker 1: went out on a date, a blind date, and the
19:18
Speaker 1: guy never called the girl back, and he she thought
19:22
Speaker 1: they had a good date or if I'm if I'm
19:24
Speaker 1: getting this wrong, Easton, please step in. But he never
19:29
Speaker 1: called her back because she shared her number and her
19:31
Speaker 1: number was whatever, I'm gonna make it up ten and
19:34
Speaker 1: he was like, I could never see myself being with
19:36
Speaker 1: somebody that had been with ten people. So even though
19:38
Speaker 1: they had had a good date, um, it was like
19:42
Speaker 1: a total turn off for him. And then their conversation
19:45
Speaker 1: during it made me so awkward because the girls like
19:48
Speaker 1: kind of trying to be like, well, I'm happy with
19:51
Speaker 1: my number, Like, what's wrong with you that you're so
19:54
Speaker 1: judgmental that you can't get over it even though we
19:57
Speaker 1: had this date. So if that isn't somebody's mind, But
20:01
Speaker 1: like granted the guy, it's not. It's not like he'd
20:04
Speaker 1: never been with anybody. So how do you how do
20:08
Speaker 1: you justify that behavior if somebody, if one person is
20:12
Speaker 1: so particular about what a number maybe when they themselves
20:16
Speaker 1: don't follow the same standard. Well, it's it's fascinating because
20:20
Speaker 1: they were in a little bit of denial and uh,
20:23
Speaker 1: and they're a little bit one sided. So I would
20:26
Speaker 1: say run anyway, because he's not someone who's going to
20:29
Speaker 1: be open about talking about probably intimacy and sex later
20:33
Speaker 1: in the relationship. He's going to be very focused about
20:35
Speaker 1: him on his own self and that's not a good
20:38
Speaker 1: indicator anyway, and what he thinks he wants and what
20:40
Speaker 1: he wants to portray or whatever it's about. Image. Um,
20:45
Speaker 1: if I was with a guy and found out he
20:47
Speaker 1: was bisexual, would that change my feelings for him? I
20:53
Speaker 1: haven't ever, This hasn't ever come up for me, so
20:57
Speaker 1: I don't really have like an answer. I think I
21:01
Speaker 1: would consistently worry that my partner wasn't actually interested in me.
21:07
Speaker 1: I mean, just being completely honest. Um, I don't know.
21:13
Speaker 1: To me, it kind of goes in the same way
21:15
Speaker 1: of like threesomes or any kind of open relationship. I
21:19
Speaker 1: think I would just worry. It's it's an unknown to me.
21:24
Speaker 1: So why would you worry more about the bisexual piece
21:27
Speaker 1: versus just if you're in a relationship. You know, are
21:30
Speaker 1: you worrying they're going to think about another woman? No,
21:33
Speaker 1: I think I would worry that he actually wanted to
21:36
Speaker 1: be with a man and just wasn't. Like I don't know,
21:39
Speaker 1: I think that would I think that would worry me.
21:42
Speaker 1: Right Well, it really comes down to what they understand
21:44
Speaker 1: commitment is, and if they believe in a commitment long
21:48
Speaker 1: term relationship and they're with the person that they're with,
21:50
Speaker 1: why does it matter if they're male or female? Um,
21:53
Speaker 1: that they might have an interest in in the past.
21:56
Speaker 1: I agree with you, I know. I guess that's my
21:58
Speaker 1: own my own in security or I I don't know,
22:04
Speaker 1: I I see that's that one kind of stumped me.
22:06
Speaker 1: I don't I don't necessarily think I would be bothered,
22:10
Speaker 1: but I did read something in the press recently about
22:13
Speaker 1: a couple that was talking about it, and the girl
22:16
Speaker 1: had said in the media, you know, like I am
22:19
Speaker 1: this way, but I decided to settle with my husband,
22:23
Speaker 1: and that phrasing. I remember thinking like, well, I don't
22:28
Speaker 1: know that I wanted. That would make me feel bad. Well,
22:32
Speaker 1: I would agree settle. We don't want to settle anywhere,
22:35
Speaker 1: because that's not that's not a foundational, strong foundation to
22:39
Speaker 1: start or like I thought it was, would be a
22:41
Speaker 1: better idea to end up with this. It was something
22:45
Speaker 1: along those lines, But I remember reading it and thinking
22:48
Speaker 1: that wouldn't sit that great with me. Now that I
22:51
Speaker 1: would agree settled is not the right word, and choosing
22:56
Speaker 1: because it would it's maybe the better decision other people
22:59
Speaker 1: would think gets a better decision. You need to be
23:01
Speaker 1: confident in your own decision and your own choice of
23:04
Speaker 1: who do you see yourself building a life with. Yeah, so,
23:08
Speaker 1: I mean I don't have a definitive answer on that.
23:10
Speaker 1: If it were to ever come up in my life,
23:12
Speaker 1: we will talk about it and I'll give you my answer,
23:14
Speaker 1: but I can only do hypotheticals on that. Um, All right,
23:18
Speaker 1: what are your thoughts on porn? Is it okay for
23:21
Speaker 1: your spouse or partner to watch porn without you. Well,
23:25
Speaker 1: porn's an interesting one. It's a little bit challenging. It
23:27
Speaker 1: can spice some relationships up. But sometimes, you know, porn
23:31
Speaker 1: can be a little unrealistic. I don't know about you.
23:33
Speaker 1: I mean, you're in great shape, but maybe maybe you
23:39
Speaker 1: can stand on your head and put yourself in crazy positions.
23:43
Speaker 1: I like that you think that about me. But um,
23:46
Speaker 1: you know a lot of people what we see related
23:48
Speaker 1: in porn isn't always realistic and uh and so sometimes
23:53
Speaker 1: it can affect the relationship and uh and intimacy in
23:56
Speaker 1: the long term actually can suffer. Where if you can
24:00
Speaker 1: just explore with each other and have conversations about our
24:04
Speaker 1: sexuality and what we like, what we don't like, try
24:07
Speaker 1: fund things, bring fun games into the room, I think
24:11
Speaker 1: it's a lot healthier. Um, porn you know sometimes can start,
24:16
Speaker 1: you know, create a divide. It can create a divide.
24:19
Speaker 1: What if you're watching porn together, I mean, if you're
24:22
Speaker 1: watching it together, I guess it's a you know, somewhat
24:24
Speaker 1: similar to a type of a game and a role
24:27
Speaker 1: playing But why not just do it together? Why not
24:29
Speaker 1: create your own role play together? So if you're somebody
24:32
Speaker 1: who's kind of gotten into a situation in their relationship
24:36
Speaker 1: where it has gotten a little bit of it's staying
24:40
Speaker 1: the same. How do you branch out and learn about
24:43
Speaker 1: trying new things without I mean, what are what are
24:47
Speaker 1: some methods that people can kind of branch out from
24:51
Speaker 1: other than this unrealistic porn watching? Right, So I love
24:56
Speaker 1: um Dr John and Julie Gottman's work. Um. They have
24:59
Speaker 1: what's called that Got Sex Program UM. But one of
25:02
Speaker 1: the things they've built is an app. Of course there's
25:05
Speaker 1: an app for that, right, but their app, the gott
25:10
Speaker 1: Men card decks are fabulous because they have mild, medium,
25:14
Speaker 1: and spicy things you can do with your partner and
25:18
Speaker 1: questions to ask men about sex and questions to ask
25:21
Speaker 1: women about sex. Sometimes if we just can learn to
25:24
Speaker 1: talk about it, um, and we need a little guidance sometimes.
25:27
Speaker 1: I mean, we're pretty sexualized culture, but yet we have
25:30
Speaker 1: a hard time talking about sex and especially with our partners. Um.
25:34
Speaker 1: So the cards are really great because it will start
25:36
Speaker 1: the conversation. And I guess you fund activities to try out.
25:40
Speaker 1: And is it normal for sex drive to decrease over time? Yes?
25:44
Speaker 1: Sex drive can or hormones can impact that. However, if
25:49
Speaker 1: we're nurturing an emotional relationship with our partner, that tends
25:54
Speaker 1: to keep the sex drive you know, a little bit
25:56
Speaker 1: more connected. Do you often see that either men or
26:00
Speaker 1: women or does it not make a difference who has
26:03
Speaker 1: a higher sex drive based on gender? Yeah, you know,
26:07
Speaker 1: I certainly see couples all the time in my practice
26:09
Speaker 1: that the woman has a higher sex drive than the man.
26:12
Speaker 1: You know, it's not always the other way around. Yes,
26:14
Speaker 1: men sometimes have much higher sex drive, especially with women
26:18
Speaker 1: when we get you know, kids in the picture, our
26:20
Speaker 1: minds divided. Um, sometimes that can be affected or hormones
26:25
Speaker 1: can change effective, but it can be one. Is it
26:28
Speaker 1: common that, like your sex drive goes up when you're pregnant? Oh? Yes,
26:31
Speaker 1: I am like, it's ridiculous and it's like a situation
26:35
Speaker 1: and I'm like, and it's not even I mean, let's
26:39
Speaker 1: be there's no poor and work happening here. I mean,
26:41
Speaker 1: this is but I'm like, what is the problem. It'll
26:44
Speaker 1: be like mid day and I'm like, why am I
26:46
Speaker 1: thinking about this right now? You know, hormones are great,
26:48
Speaker 1: and hey, you're already pregnant, so you don't have to work,
26:51
Speaker 1: so it's free sex, you know. And then you get
26:54
Speaker 1: to menopause and sometimes you think this is Mother Nature's
26:58
Speaker 1: cruel thing because like your sex drive and you're in
27:00
Speaker 1: menopause as a woman, man game on every day walking
27:04
Speaker 1: through the door. I'm like come on, and they're like, wait,
27:07
Speaker 1: I'm tired. But you would think like it's my sex
27:11
Speaker 1: drive has increased more in my third trimester than it
27:15
Speaker 1: was in the first or second. So I'm like, what
27:17
Speaker 1: is this because I mean, I have to tell you
27:19
Speaker 1: it is hard for me to get up from this
27:21
Speaker 1: chair and walk to the restroom, So like, what is
27:24
Speaker 1: it about hormones that I'm just confused? Yeah? Well you
27:28
Speaker 1: know what. Also, we know that, you know, sex can
27:31
Speaker 1: help us go into labor later in life, so you
27:34
Speaker 1: think we like that's my like actual message. Like in
27:38
Speaker 1: my mind, I'm like, well, if I do this, then
27:40
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have an easier delivery. That's like my women's
27:43
Speaker 1: intuition happening. Yep, yep, all right, I'll take it. Um. So,
27:48
Speaker 1: what are some natural aphrodisiacs. Oh, there's lots of them
27:54
Speaker 1: out there? Is that bad that? I'm like, what's an google?
27:59
Speaker 1: I need to act? Will definition. Uh. You know the
28:03
Speaker 1: classics of course are oysters, chocolate. Um, there's some really
28:08
Speaker 1: fabulous Chinese herbs. Um. You know, I think that one
28:13
Speaker 1: of the biggest aphrodisiacs usually is communication, you know that sense,
28:18
Speaker 1: and it's feeling emotionally connected with the person to be
28:22
Speaker 1: truly seen. Um is probably one of the biggest aphrodis
28:26
Speaker 1: But then how comes sometimes makeup sex or hate sex
28:29
Speaker 1: is such a big deal, ah, because you know you've
28:32
Speaker 1: hopefully you've worked it out, and you feel like the
28:34
Speaker 1: other person finally understands why I was so upset, and
28:38
Speaker 1: then you throw a little bit of adrenaline, a little
28:40
Speaker 1: bit of testosterone in when we have a conflict, we're
28:43
Speaker 1: getting testosterone, and so yeah, we feel a little bit heated,
28:47
Speaker 1: and so we like to go at it afterwards. All right, Okay, Um,
28:51
Speaker 1: now this one I can actually kind of relate to
28:55
Speaker 1: because when I was really um struggling about how is
29:00
Speaker 1: feeling about myself and I was really having a lot
29:02
Speaker 1: of like like negative self talk. Um, this woman had
29:06
Speaker 1: written in I'm scared for my partner to see me naked,
29:09
Speaker 1: so I always have sex in the dark or with
29:11
Speaker 1: a T shirt. Do you think it's ruining it for him. Yeah. Well,
29:16
Speaker 1: you know, if we're not confident about our own body,
29:20
Speaker 1: you know, no matter what size we are, we're going
29:21
Speaker 1: to go through different sizes and certainly you know, unfortunately
29:25
Speaker 1: we live in a world that shows us perfect images
29:27
Speaker 1: all the time on Instagram, which we know are filtered.
29:31
Speaker 1: They're not always real. Um So, really being able to
29:34
Speaker 1: be comfortable with our own self and our own skin,
29:37
Speaker 1: you know, is important for our partner. And our partner
29:40
Speaker 1: you know, they've they're accepting us, they're loving us. That's
29:44
Speaker 1: the good, the bad, and the ugly moments of Hey,
29:46
Speaker 1: I take you no matter how you look. You know
29:49
Speaker 1: why I crazy in the morning time, you know, bad breath.
29:52
Speaker 1: I love you, you know, and it doesn't matter how
29:55
Speaker 1: you look. I'm connected to something deeper than this outer
29:58
Speaker 1: external well something that you said you just said, bad breath. So,
30:02
Speaker 1: I mean, I know some people who like their their
30:06
Speaker 1: morning sex people, but they will constantly say like oh
30:09
Speaker 1: my husband or my wife, like does it kill the
30:11
Speaker 1: moment to say like babe, can you go brush your
30:13
Speaker 1: teeth first? Well it doesn't, I mean, but really you
30:19
Speaker 1: want to have sex, but like you can't pop. I mean,
30:22
Speaker 1: I could kind of sympathize that, like maybe sometimes you'd
30:25
Speaker 1: want them to go for a quick freshion. Well, you know,
30:29
Speaker 1: listerine strips by your bad perfect for the morning. Pop
30:33
Speaker 1: that in roll over your You're a real problem solver.
30:37
Speaker 1: I like that. Okay, so breath strips, guys. Um, is
30:41
Speaker 1: there such thing as too much sex? What? Too much secks? No,
30:47
Speaker 1: so there's no. But how do you know if somebody's
30:49
Speaker 1: ranging on like a sex addiction. Okay, so if we're
30:52
Speaker 1: thinking about sex and we're not getting work done or
30:55
Speaker 1: we're popping into the bathroom at work, um, you know,
31:00
Speaker 1: hey might be a little bit you know, out of
31:04
Speaker 1: control and we might be a little bit on the
31:06
Speaker 1: addicted sign. But if if you have a partner who
31:09
Speaker 1: is constantly like riding you for sex, like every single day,
31:13
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, we're gonna have sex, We're gonna have sex,
31:15
Speaker 1: We're gonna have sex. Like I have friends who that
31:17
Speaker 1: has how their partner and they're like, yeah, it's flattering
31:20
Speaker 1: to a point, but at some point it's like, now
31:22
Speaker 1: you make me feel bad because I don't want to
31:24
Speaker 1: have sex two times a day, you know, ten years
31:27
Speaker 1: into marriage. Again goes back to the communication. What's going
31:30
Speaker 1: on that we're just focused on the sex piece versus
31:34
Speaker 1: our relationship piece, you know, And so if we can
31:38
Speaker 1: get underneath the surface. Yeah, we all have a sex
31:41
Speaker 1: drive and some have higher sex drives, but what's really
31:44
Speaker 1: going on that that's the most important part of our
31:46
Speaker 1: relationship versus building this life? Alright, So communication, guys, it's key.
31:53
Speaker 1: No matter we want to have it or not, we
31:55
Speaker 1: have to talk about it. Gets to the route this
31:58
Speaker 1: one all. So, I think a lot of us can
32:01
Speaker 1: can relate to. It's my wife always seems exhausted slash
32:05
Speaker 1: miserable after taking care of the kids all day when
32:08
Speaker 1: I get home from work and then wonders why I
32:10
Speaker 1: don't want to have sex with her? M hm. So
32:15
Speaker 1: what are some tools if they're I mean, believe me,
32:18
Speaker 1: when you're raising kids and you're exhausted and like, if
32:23
Speaker 1: you know, I can I can completely relate to this.
32:26
Speaker 1: Some days, like the last thing in your mind you
32:28
Speaker 1: want to like put on a fake smile and be like, hey,
32:30
Speaker 1: it was the best day ever. But what are some
32:34
Speaker 1: ways that you can kind of spice it up for
32:37
Speaker 1: your partner or how how can somebody even be self
32:40
Speaker 1: aware that they may be doing this. Yeah, well, you
32:43
Speaker 1: know this comes back to again, are we keeping the
32:46
Speaker 1: romance of our relationship alive in a healthy way? Are
32:50
Speaker 1: we creating and setting aside sacred time for our relationship?
32:55
Speaker 1: Are we making a time to have a date? You know,
32:57
Speaker 1: because if I know I have a date with my partner,
33:00
Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to that. Um. We think of when
33:02
Speaker 1: those dating years, you know, we would look about look
33:05
Speaker 1: at oh gosh, what outfit am I gonna wear? How
33:09
Speaker 1: am I gonna do my hair? Um? Where are we
33:11
Speaker 1: going to be going? There's excitement that's there. So if
33:14
Speaker 1: we're setting up in the week a sacred time that
33:17
Speaker 1: we're looking forward to, um, we're a little bit more
33:19
Speaker 1: excited when our partner gets home to talk about, Hey,
33:22
Speaker 1: what are we gonna do on our date this week?
33:24
Speaker 1: So they should schedule a date for their wife and
33:26
Speaker 1: that type of thing. I I work in a business
33:28
Speaker 1: health and wellness, and I help held people accountable to
33:31
Speaker 1: their health and fitness goals and people men will approach
33:34
Speaker 1: me on the street when they know what what I do,
33:36
Speaker 1: and they'll go, hey, can you help my wife? Hey,
33:40
Speaker 1: can you help my wife? She hasn't been feeling that
33:42
Speaker 1: good about herself and so it's affected our sex life
33:45
Speaker 1: where it's affected you know, her asking for that raise
33:48
Speaker 1: at work? Can you help her? I'm like, well, does
33:50
Speaker 1: your wife want to make a change. I can assure
33:54
Speaker 1: you if it's you pushing her, it's not gonna be
33:58
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to help her. I
34:00
Speaker 1: I'm actually going to drive a wedge in between your marriage.
34:02
Speaker 1: But she has to be ready. And oftentimes they'll say
34:05
Speaker 1: to me, well, how do we make her ready before
34:08
Speaker 1: our marriage fails? Because how do we make correctly? What
34:12
Speaker 1: is that answer? If somebody, you know, it's just kind
34:16
Speaker 1: of miserable, uncomfortable in their own skin and not feeling good,
34:20
Speaker 1: how do you, as a partner lift the other partner
34:23
Speaker 1: up by helping them make that change, but without pushing
34:26
Speaker 1: them and driving a wedge in your relationship? Oh my gosh.
34:30
Speaker 1: You know again, it's the It's the key word communication.
34:34
Speaker 1: It's talking about small things often and doing small things,
34:38
Speaker 1: you know, building a culture of appreciation, telling your partner, hey,
34:43
Speaker 1: I really appreciate how much you're there for our kids,
34:45
Speaker 1: or appreciate how much you are there for our relationship,
34:48
Speaker 1: respecting each other. Um again, talking about things that are
34:52
Speaker 1: not just about your relationship but finding out about their interests.
34:56
Speaker 1: But how do you if somebody says, like you know
35:00
Speaker 1: their husband, I feel miserable, I'm tired, I don't feel good.
35:04
Speaker 1: I don't like looking at myself in the mirror. What
35:07
Speaker 1: does a husband respond to keep the intimacy alive? Like,
35:11
Speaker 1: if my husband responds, will do something about it? I'd
35:13
Speaker 1: be like, go f yourself? You know? So what are
35:16
Speaker 1: some actual things they can say? How can I help?
35:19
Speaker 1: I love you just the way you are, but I
35:23
Speaker 1: see that you're not happy with your own self? How
35:25
Speaker 1: can I help? What can I do is there's something
35:28
Speaker 1: I can do on the weekend so you can get
35:30
Speaker 1: out and do something that brings joy to you. That
35:33
Speaker 1: is so instead of coming up with a solution, you
35:36
Speaker 1: ask how can I help? And then you're not trying
35:39
Speaker 1: to be a fixer. So good. We have to take
35:42
Speaker 1: a break on that, and then we're going to come
35:44
Speaker 1: back with uh Leela Darville, who empowers individuals to embrace
35:49
Speaker 1: their sexuality and discover their most authentic expression in sex. Hililu.
36:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Teddy t pid Hi. Thanks for having me,
36:06
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for coming on. Do you mind telling
36:09
Speaker 1: our listeners a little bit about yourself. Sure, Yeah. Um,
36:13
Speaker 1: I'm Leadville and I'm a sexan intimacy coach and I'm
36:16
Speaker 1: also the hot of the host, one of the hosts
36:19
Speaker 1: of Intimate Knowledge, which is the podcast with books, book
36:23
Speaker 1: and maybe King Edmunds, and I work with predominantly women
36:29
Speaker 1: in my practice. I worked one on one and in workshops, um,
36:34
Speaker 1: and I really helped provide the tools for women to
36:38
Speaker 1: access their authentic expression in sex and whatever that is
36:43
Speaker 1: for them. Very cool. And I know you have a
36:46
Speaker 1: couple of kids yourself, right, I do. I'm a mom
36:50
Speaker 1: of two boys. I have a six year old and
36:52
Speaker 1: I have a two year old, and so um. Since
36:55
Speaker 1: becoming a mom, a lot of my work in the
36:57
Speaker 1: sexuality realm has been around it's the weaving in sexuality
37:02
Speaker 1: and motherhood, which is generally a topic that is um
37:07
Speaker 1: or not combined. Really, it was actually the number one
37:11
Speaker 1: question asked by my listeners was how to keep intimacy
37:15
Speaker 1: alive after kids? Yeah, I mean it's well, a lot
37:20
Speaker 1: of the time, what we're trying to do is reach
37:22
Speaker 1: back into into time to the way that it was
37:25
Speaker 1: before we had children. Um. And the thing is we're
37:28
Speaker 1: just when we become one, so many things shift in
37:32
Speaker 1: the relationship dynamic, but also just with our personal identity
37:37
Speaker 1: and socially. I really feel that motherhood and sexuality isn't
37:41
Speaker 1: intertwined um, and they kind of juxtaposed, and so it
37:45
Speaker 1: can be really difficult to integrate our sexual selves with
37:49
Speaker 1: our maternal sells. And that's the pro that kind of
37:52
Speaker 1: process um kind of flows out during motherhood and about
37:59
Speaker 1: the you're in process of motherhood, I feel, so, how
38:03
Speaker 1: do you keep the desire to be intimate with your
38:08
Speaker 1: significant other after kids, especially when you're busy or you're
38:11
Speaker 1: tired or what are some tips? Yeah? Absolutely, I mean
38:15
Speaker 1: brotherhood in the way that we do it today is
38:17
Speaker 1: completely can be completely overwhelming. I know for myself, I
38:22
Speaker 1: enter that kind of overwhelmed period a lot during my day.
38:27
Speaker 1: Feelings of like being touched out is a huge one
38:31
Speaker 1: when I like when you're breastfeeding or when you've got
38:33
Speaker 1: a little babe and they're always on you and when
38:36
Speaker 1: you go to the bathroom, So it can be overwhelming
38:38
Speaker 1: and there's just so many things to do, and so
38:41
Speaker 1: I looked at more when I when I talk about
38:45
Speaker 1: pleasure and really talking, I'll talk about pleasure in the moment,
38:48
Speaker 1: but pleasure as in things that feel good that it's
38:51
Speaker 1: self experience of enjoyment. And I feel the more that
38:54
Speaker 1: we can anchor ourselves in that sense, that feeling of
38:59
Speaker 1: pleasure out our day, then these kind of things with
39:03
Speaker 1: the kids and the over one that we experience with
39:07
Speaker 1: the way that we mother become way more manageable. And
39:11
Speaker 1: so practice pleasure as an experience. Can you give me,
39:17
Speaker 1: Can you give me some like, I don't know, tips
39:21
Speaker 1: or suggestions on how to practice pleasure. Yeah, I mean
39:25
Speaker 1: it's always it comes back to sensuality. So it comes
39:28
Speaker 1: back to instead of like all these external things that
39:31
Speaker 1: are going on coming into your own body, occupying your
39:35
Speaker 1: body and having that felt experience of pleasure. So it
39:39
Speaker 1: could be just taking a moment to pause and just
39:43
Speaker 1: for a moment and feel the sun kind of hit
39:48
Speaker 1: your skin and the experience of doubt, or taking your
39:51
Speaker 1: shower and really absorbing yourself in the joy of having
39:55
Speaker 1: a shower and that moment to yourself, and then when
39:58
Speaker 1: you go back into engaging externally with your kids and
40:02
Speaker 1: with your with your partner, becomes much more manageable. So
40:06
Speaker 1: it's just a pleasure as experienced as a practice. Right,
40:10
Speaker 1: that does make sense. Yeah, And it's not like because
40:15
Speaker 1: I'm always afraid to give especially moms another thing to
40:18
Speaker 1: do on they're they're busy to do list throughout their days,
40:22
Speaker 1: and so it really is just taking these small moments
40:25
Speaker 1: to take address and be with ourselves and be occupieding
40:31
Speaker 1: in our body rather than doing all the stuff and
40:34
Speaker 1: especially to do. And especially if you've fallen out of
40:36
Speaker 1: the pattern of like having consistent, you know, spontaneous sex
40:40
Speaker 1: with your partner, how do you get back into it?
40:43
Speaker 1: You know, you can almost start to fall like it
40:45
Speaker 1: almost becomes like the uncomfortable because it's been a while
40:49
Speaker 1: or now each continent, So how do you work through that?
40:53
Speaker 1: So I have to say with this one, it's I
40:57
Speaker 1: think we have to recognize just how we are mother
41:00
Speaker 1: these days where we don't don't A lot of us
41:02
Speaker 1: don't have a lot of support um and so it
41:06
Speaker 1: can be a very isolating experience. And so I feel
41:09
Speaker 1: like mothers definitely need more more support or some foremost
41:13
Speaker 1: um and when it comes to their partners, I don't
41:16
Speaker 1: think I really don't feel there's enough of a conversation
41:20
Speaker 1: around how um we heal after birth. And so there's
41:26
Speaker 1: this expert like, for instance, when I was having a baby,
41:28
Speaker 1: I was told, after six weeks, you can now have
41:32
Speaker 1: penetrative sex, and and that's all all of the conversation
41:38
Speaker 1: that I had was around, oh yeah, just just wait
41:40
Speaker 1: six weeks and you'll be fine. But there's there's so
41:43
Speaker 1: many other things that play UM and and so one
41:47
Speaker 1: of the one thing that I usually tell for women
41:50
Speaker 1: because they usually when they engage with their partner and
41:54
Speaker 1: the intimacy, they feel that it's going in one direction,
41:58
Speaker 1: which is usually sex equals intercourse. And after becoming a mom,
42:03
Speaker 1: it can be UM that may not be desirable, like
42:08
Speaker 1: they can be you still healing, it could be birth
42:11
Speaker 1: trauma UM that just feels like too much, just too
42:14
Speaker 1: much for our systems. And so I a lot of
42:17
Speaker 1: the time with new mums or even mums that just
42:20
Speaker 1: haven't healed from or birth experience fully as they take
42:24
Speaker 1: pennotation off the table. So that's engaging with your partner
42:27
Speaker 1: intimately and in sexual place that isn't gold, but that
42:32
Speaker 1: doesn't have an agenda, but it's not going from A
42:35
Speaker 1: to B to C and then we end in connotation.
42:39
Speaker 1: So that's a huge one is creating this um space
42:44
Speaker 1: for play and for curiosity that isn't goal oriented, but
42:49
Speaker 1: isn't going to anyone particular place. Because a lot of
42:53
Speaker 1: women when they become nuns or are in the mothering,
42:57
Speaker 1: it's um. It's like any kind kind of touch that
43:00
Speaker 1: he is going in that direction they don't want. I
43:04
Speaker 1: don't know if you have that experience, but for me,
43:05
Speaker 1: it's like sometimes I can just feel completely touched out,
43:09
Speaker 1: completely spent, and then to be giving of myself in
43:13
Speaker 1: that way with my partner it's just like another place
43:16
Speaker 1: where I'm giving. So so the most important thing is
43:21
Speaker 1: to create a space where it's just where you're saving
43:24
Speaker 1: that's something that feels really good and nourishing to you.
43:28
Speaker 1: And sometimes it doesn't look like having sex that's we've
43:30
Speaker 1: known it to be before. So it's kind of opening
43:33
Speaker 1: your eyes to new possibilities and changing things up absolutely.
43:38
Speaker 1: And what about if it's has nothing to do with
43:41
Speaker 1: kids and you're just in a sex route with your partner,
43:44
Speaker 1: Well with this with the sex, I also think it's
43:47
Speaker 1: the same kind of thing. It's like, well, whatever is
43:49
Speaker 1: on off that isn't it desirable anymore? And usually we
43:53
Speaker 1: have a default insects, Like we know what's going to happen.
43:56
Speaker 1: We know the play m we know the route that
43:59
Speaker 1: you really go to orgasm or how he gets off
44:02
Speaker 1: for um or how our partners you know, wants their pleasure.
44:07
Speaker 1: And so when we love, like I kind of liken
44:09
Speaker 1: it to go into Paris. Like imagine if all you
44:12
Speaker 1: did every time you went to Paris you went to
44:14
Speaker 1: see the Useles paler Um, which is the act car
44:17
Speaker 1: of the moaning. It's great, but after the tense or
44:20
Speaker 1: certain time or going to the gisle's power adjust to
44:23
Speaker 1: the ass to tell every single time that one route
44:26
Speaker 1: it becomes less desirable, Like you have less of an
44:28
Speaker 1: inclination to ever want to go to Paris because you
44:30
Speaker 1: know what that experience is going to be. So it's
44:33
Speaker 1: about broadening the possibility in the sexual experience. How does
44:38
Speaker 1: somebody do that? Like if if if they're in a
44:41
Speaker 1: place where they've done the same thing for fifteen years
44:43
Speaker 1: with their partner and now they want to start to broaden,
44:47
Speaker 1: how do you even start that conversation? What are things
44:49
Speaker 1: that you do? Like, what are actual tools to make
44:53
Speaker 1: those changes? Yeah, having like communicating is one of the
44:58
Speaker 1: biggest hurdles to create eating the experiences that we want. Um,
45:03
Speaker 1: this is I'm The reasons I love the podcast that
45:05
Speaker 1: I'm doing as well is because it cracks open that
45:09
Speaker 1: conversation and also takes sex out of the taboo. And
45:13
Speaker 1: also people can listen to other people's stories about what
45:16
Speaker 1: they're experiencing sexually and they don't feel so alone. So
45:20
Speaker 1: it's and it's not so shameful to be experiencing what
45:23
Speaker 1: you're experiencing. So it kind of starts unraveled the shame
45:27
Speaker 1: spiral as well. And so often we don't communicate what
45:30
Speaker 1: we want with our partner because we're worried about how
45:33
Speaker 1: they're going to receive that information, so we're where we're
45:38
Speaker 1: going to hurt their feelings. Or if we say that
45:40
Speaker 1: we want it like X, or we want to try
45:42
Speaker 1: something new, then it means something about how we've been
45:45
Speaker 1: doing it for the past six fifteen years. Um. But again,
45:48
Speaker 1: it's really about bringing it into the realm of play.
45:52
Speaker 1: Like imagine if you wanted to learn how to tango dance,
45:55
Speaker 1: so you you put tango dance out in front of
45:58
Speaker 1: you as this, how can we get from here to here?
46:01
Speaker 1: And how can what steps do we need to take
46:04
Speaker 1: and what do we need to get a coach? Do
46:06
Speaker 1: we need to watch the videos? Like how could we
46:10
Speaker 1: learn how to tango dance together? And usually in a
46:12
Speaker 1: relationship that is in a sex right, both partners are
46:16
Speaker 1: aware of it um and it just needs to be
46:19
Speaker 1: spoken to. It's like all that needs to really be
46:23
Speaker 1: said is you know, I really want it to be better,
46:26
Speaker 1: like everybody. One thing I know for sure in my
46:28
Speaker 1: job is that everybody wants more than they're currently experiencing,
46:33
Speaker 1: whether even if they're having fantastic sex, they want to
46:36
Speaker 1: be experiencing more. So it's saying to your partner that
46:41
Speaker 1: you know, I really want this to be better. I
46:44
Speaker 1: want to desire sex more and getting on the same
46:46
Speaker 1: page as your partner is well. A lot of the
46:49
Speaker 1: times we feel like odds with our partner, like we're
46:52
Speaker 1: on opposite sides of a team. But when when you
46:56
Speaker 1: get down to it, both partners usually want each other
47:00
Speaker 1: with pleasures. They want to be in pleasure more, and
47:02
Speaker 1: they want to give pleasure more, and they want to um,
47:06
Speaker 1: they just want it to be great. So and most
47:10
Speaker 1: if we're talking about male partners, which I talk about
47:14
Speaker 1: of course with my female clients is that you know,
47:19
Speaker 1: they want our deepest expression of pleasure. That's all they're
47:23
Speaker 1: looking for. And so whatever is going to bring us
47:25
Speaker 1: the most pleasure, they're all. They're up for it. And
47:29
Speaker 1: and when we're have in these conversations with our male
47:34
Speaker 1: part partners, it's really important that it's an invitation. That
47:38
Speaker 1: it's not like you're doing this wrong and it's a criticism,
47:41
Speaker 1: so they're actually it's actually an invitation, like I want
47:45
Speaker 1: to discover what else is available in my body sexually?
47:49
Speaker 1: Can you help me do that? Most men I know
47:51
Speaker 1: put out their hands very quickly to be involved in that. Um.
47:56
Speaker 1: So that's in the of invitation. Yes, and it is,
48:03
Speaker 1: isn't it like if you're getting, if you're in more pleasure,
48:05
Speaker 1: your partner is actually going to be getting exactly what
48:08
Speaker 1: he what he wants, which is your authentic pleasure. And um,
48:15
Speaker 1: and then need more guidance. They want the invitations to
48:19
Speaker 1: be involved in it, and they want guidance because most
48:22
Speaker 1: of them are just kind of doing what they've done
48:24
Speaker 1: for with your with you, or doing something that they
48:27
Speaker 1: did with someone else's foot work, or doing something that's
48:30
Speaker 1: a very poorn So the more clues we can give
48:34
Speaker 1: to what's happening in our bodies. Um, that makes sense.
48:39
Speaker 1: What the next question actually makes me laugh? Um, is
48:42
Speaker 1: oral sex necessary? What are your stuff? Is it necessary?
48:53
Speaker 1: Because underneath but underneath that she's not loving it? Right? Yeah,
49:00
Speaker 1: I mean I know for some people is absolutely necessary
49:04
Speaker 1: and for other people it's not. UM. And I don't
49:08
Speaker 1: know if she's referring to the giving or receiving part
49:11
Speaker 1: of it. UM. And I know a lot of women
49:13
Speaker 1: I work with actually don't love or or sex because
49:17
Speaker 1: they're worried about how they look, how their volvers looks,
49:20
Speaker 1: or they're worried about how they smell um, or they're
49:23
Speaker 1: worried that their hair and they haven't showered or don't
49:26
Speaker 1: wax or whatever. And so they can be like a
49:29
Speaker 1: lot of existance to receiving or or sex because they
49:31
Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable enough in their bodies. And so that
49:33
Speaker 1: to me says that, okay, they need Then there's a
49:36
Speaker 1: little bit of self love and self acceptance and UM
49:40
Speaker 1: and maybe a little bit of re education around um,
49:44
Speaker 1: what volvers look like and that we're not we are
49:49
Speaker 1: so varied and different and what we see in the
49:51
Speaker 1: media and porn definitely isn't they represtive representation of what, um,
49:56
Speaker 1: the female anatomy looks like. Yeah, I mean like porn
49:59
Speaker 1: is how Instagram is to people's daily lives these days.
50:03
Speaker 1: It's like everybody, I say it lifestyle to one and
50:09
Speaker 1: what do you think the I mean, I hate to
50:11
Speaker 1: say the word average, but what do you think the
50:13
Speaker 1: standard amount of times it's healthy to have sex a week? Like?
50:18
Speaker 1: Is there that everybody don't know? It's so individual. You
50:22
Speaker 1: can ask and you can ask someone to say, oh,
50:25
Speaker 1: I'm having suck three times a week, and then someone
50:28
Speaker 1: else can say, I'm it's amazing, I'm having six three times.
50:31
Speaker 1: Like it's so varied and what our drive is and
50:35
Speaker 1: and also it's not a constant thing in our sexuality.
50:38
Speaker 1: It changes day to day over the time of space
50:41
Speaker 1: of a week. And you say for the last time,
50:43
Speaker 1: you know, we um, it really shi some changes through
50:48
Speaker 1: throughout lifetime and the seasons that we go through and
50:51
Speaker 1: the changes that we go through. So um, yeah, I
50:54
Speaker 1: don't think there is a normal. Well I know, I
50:57
Speaker 1: got a lot of heat. Um. Last year I said
51:00
Speaker 1: publicly that my husband and I like schedule sex, which
51:06
Speaker 1: I didn't really mean schedule sex but I met like
51:09
Speaker 1: we will kind of like give each other the face,
51:11
Speaker 1: like you know, like we'll know what's happening later, so
51:13
Speaker 1: we look forward to it. And people had this like
51:16
Speaker 1: huge reaction to it, like I can't believe youvend schedule
51:19
Speaker 1: sex and blah blah blah. And then it came up
51:22
Speaker 1: where my husband publicly said, they go, what's your favorite
51:26
Speaker 1: thing about your wife? And his response was she's very organized,
51:29
Speaker 1: and I was like, you know what, see it goes.
51:32
Speaker 1: I appreciate that I'm scheduling, but I mean that there
51:37
Speaker 1: really is the truth. I mean for me, I know
51:39
Speaker 1: it gives us like a little pep in our step
51:42
Speaker 1: if he's leaving for work or I'm leaving to drop
51:45
Speaker 1: off the kids, and like, I mean, it sounds cheesy,
51:49
Speaker 1: but one of one of us is like your mind
51:50
Speaker 1: later or like something like that, but just a kind
51:53
Speaker 1: of the tone for the day that like, it doesn't
51:56
Speaker 1: have to be a negative thing to let your partner
51:59
Speaker 1: know that you want them or you're interested in them exactly.
52:04
Speaker 1: I think a lot of the negativity would come from
52:07
Speaker 1: people who maybe don't have kids, don't run a business,
52:10
Speaker 1: and don't run a household, like you know, lives are very,
52:14
Speaker 1: very busy, and to think that sex is just going
52:16
Speaker 1: to spontaneously you've happen and amongst all that you're dealing
52:20
Speaker 1: with day to day, um, I think is a little
52:22
Speaker 1: bit um naive. Um. And also it's also kind of
52:29
Speaker 1: goes back to that idea of what people think great
52:32
Speaker 1: sex is. A lot of people think great sex is
52:35
Speaker 1: just like sex that kind of past them steamlessly, like
52:38
Speaker 1: like uninterrupted, where where somebody mores exactly what it is
52:42
Speaker 1: that you want and you don't have to communicate about it.
52:44
Speaker 1: It's like you know that it just has is continuous, slow,
52:48
Speaker 1: And I think great sex that actually is about connection
52:52
Speaker 1: and if you can facilitate that connection by harving out
52:55
Speaker 1: time a new day where you both know. Um, I
52:58
Speaker 1: think it's wonderful when everybody's different. I mean it's not.
53:02
Speaker 1: I don't think that great sex is just about sponsility.
53:05
Speaker 1: So okay, thank you for validating me right there. I
53:09
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. I at times when my life it's
53:14
Speaker 1: full and really busy, and my relationship and and second
53:18
Speaker 1: is obviously a priority in my life, then I prioritize it.
53:21
Speaker 1: And the way that I do that is carving out time. Yeah, well,
53:25
Speaker 1: how on that carving out time and being open and communicating.
53:30
Speaker 1: How do you communicate if you aren't sexually satisfied? Yeah,
53:35
Speaker 1: I mean I wouldn't go into it was like I'm
53:37
Speaker 1: not satisfied. UM. I would always offer first the invitation
53:43
Speaker 1: like I mentioned, but also UM suggestion UM, because it's
53:50
Speaker 1: it's not about just pointing out the problems, but it's
53:53
Speaker 1: also about saying it. This isn't new, this is this
53:57
Speaker 1: is me, This is this is me that I'm working
54:00
Speaker 1: is and I want you to be involved in it.
54:03
Speaker 1: And UM, I definitely feel that the more that we
54:07
Speaker 1: can and cre enter our own bodies and be in
54:09
Speaker 1: our own bodies and know what's happening in terms of
54:13
Speaker 1: our internal experience, UM, the better we can communicate that
54:17
Speaker 1: with our partner. So UM, I really love UM self
54:23
Speaker 1: pleasuring for this UM. Not as a way and oh
54:26
Speaker 1: this is my quickest path for orgasm, but when you're
54:29
Speaker 1: with your partner, you can kind of lead them and
54:32
Speaker 1: lean into sensation and that is really pleasurable. So I
54:39
Speaker 1: would say for this person to really develop a self
54:42
Speaker 1: pleasuring practice. UM. I have a really great one on
54:46
Speaker 1: my website if you want to check it out. UM,
54:49
Speaker 1: I wrote a fee book about it, and so I
54:51
Speaker 1: can send that to anyone who's really wanting to who's
54:54
Speaker 1: kind of stuck and not knowing how to discover your pleasure.
54:59
Speaker 1: Um and yeah, I really feel it is about knowing
55:03
Speaker 1: your own pleasure so that you can then communicate it
55:06
Speaker 1: with your partner, so you can properly communicate it, because
55:09
Speaker 1: nobody wants to be given advice but not actually told
55:13
Speaker 1: what they need to do. Yeah, I mean at least
55:16
Speaker 1: have be able to guide somebody within the physical sense.
55:20
Speaker 1: It's like imagine like getting but receiving a massage that
55:25
Speaker 1: the depression not being right or not being in the
55:28
Speaker 1: right spot and so being able to give that valuable feedback. Um,
55:34
Speaker 1: and being comfortable enough to give that feedback as you
55:37
Speaker 1: really know and are, like you're confident with your body
55:40
Speaker 1: enough to be able to communicate it is everything. Um Yeah,
55:44
Speaker 1: I think, like I said, many especially a male partners,
55:47
Speaker 1: need more clue to how your body operates and what
55:52
Speaker 1: feels good. They're kind of just stabbing in the dusk
55:55
Speaker 1: to have really, unless you can give the fever, they're
55:59
Speaker 1: just trying things on well, speaking to feedback, This next
56:04
Speaker 1: question is my partner likes to talk dirty, but it
56:08
Speaker 1: makes me uncomfortable because he's like a different person when
56:10
Speaker 1: he does it. Help he wants me to do it back.
56:14
Speaker 1: So if that's happening what so, Yeah, we spoke about
56:22
Speaker 1: this one our podcast to about dirty talk. I would
56:26
Speaker 1: say everybody has a different style, and um, it's he.
56:33
Speaker 1: If it's putting you off, I would just request that
56:39
Speaker 1: you would like to see that, yeah, that you would
56:44
Speaker 1: like for doing what it's talking Yeah, exactly. I would
56:49
Speaker 1: like you to do what you want to do to
56:51
Speaker 1: me rather than bang it out rad. I just want
56:53
Speaker 1: to say what that experience is black, um, and also
56:56
Speaker 1: to get comfortable with with dirty talk. Um. I definitely
57:02
Speaker 1: think vocalizing what's happening in your body is a really
57:05
Speaker 1: great way to be involved in the dirty talk without
57:08
Speaker 1: having to take it into like the daddy real like
57:11
Speaker 1: you know, like to give it to me daddy or
57:14
Speaker 1: do it like this now you know, like you don't
57:20
Speaker 1: have to go that far. I mean really just putting
57:23
Speaker 1: voice to what is happening in your body and what
57:26
Speaker 1: feels good. It's a really great way to participate with that.
57:31
Speaker 1: It's something that you feel comfortable work with, you know, No,
57:37
Speaker 1: I just want to say a lot of a lot
57:38
Speaker 1: of women have trouble articulating what they want sexually, and
57:42
Speaker 1: so a great way to kind of resource yourself is
57:45
Speaker 1: to listen to audio erotical um and hear how just
57:51
Speaker 1: to hear a story um played out with erotic language
57:56
Speaker 1: and kind of build your vocalory for for the con sensation.
58:00
Speaker 1: That's a great way. I know we have to take
58:03
Speaker 1: a little break, but this has been such good information
58:06
Speaker 1: for anybody who wants to learn more about self pleasuring practice.
58:09
Speaker 1: What is your website? My website is loving Lela l
58:14
Speaker 1: I l O Drema also loving Lela dot com. Okay, perfect,
58:19
Speaker 1: I say that again. So it's loving Lela l I
58:23
Speaker 1: l A dot com. Awesome. Yes, I'll have any book there.
58:27
Speaker 1: And also you can listen to me on Intimate Knowledge
58:30
Speaker 1: with Brooks Book and Megan King Edmonds when we talk
58:33
Speaker 1: about this stuff. Oh day, perfect, I love it. Thank
58:37
Speaker 1: you so much, Yeah, thank you so much, Sadie. Well
58:43
Speaker 1: you guys, I feel like I loved talking to Jenny
58:48
Speaker 1: and to Lela. They both had so much incredible info.
58:52
Speaker 1: If you guys want to find out more about them.
58:55
Speaker 1: Lela does a podcast called Intimate knowledge, which you can
58:59
Speaker 1: find wherever you look into podcast and then, um, Jenny
59:02
Speaker 1: not only helps you know relationships, she also helps kids
59:06
Speaker 1: and she has books two books called one called Mindfulness
59:10
Speaker 1: for Teens and the other one called The Mindfulness Journal
59:13
Speaker 1: for Teens. They're both available now. UM, I feel like
59:16
Speaker 1: for next week's podcast, I loved a lot of the
59:19
Speaker 1: information that we got today, but I want like tangible tools.
59:23
Speaker 1: I know we need to communicate better. How what do
59:26
Speaker 1: we say? What do we do? What are the next steps?
59:29
Speaker 1: So I am going to bring on specialist Dr Viv
59:33
Speaker 1: and We're going to get to the rest of your
59:35
Speaker 1: questions and I am going to dig deep on figuring
59:38
Speaker 1: out the actual tools that we need to get what
59:41
Speaker 1: we want to accomplish to a better sex and intimacy.
59:45
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Subscribe to any tea pot on radio
59:49
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to podcasts.