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How Do We Bounce Back From Rejection? · Inspiration and Transformation

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Welcome to inspiration and transformation from the banks of the Gunga with Sadvi Bagwati Saraswati,
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an American Sanyasi living at the parmarth Nikitan Ashram in Rishikesh, India.
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Sadvi is President of the Divine Shakti Foundation, a charitable organization bringing education,
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vocational training, upliftment and empowerment programs to women and children. Sadvi is also
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Secretary General of the Global Interfaith Wasash Alliance and director of the world famous International
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Yoga Festival. Joined the musings of an American Sanyasi as Sadvi shares the wisdom
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and teachings of her Guru, His Holiness Pujiaswami Chintenant Saraswatiji, Welcome everyone to
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inspiration and transformation from the holy banks of the Sacred Gunga River in the land
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of Rishikesh, India. Yeah, guilt is poison. It will it'll ruin
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you. But fear of guilt is also poison. It also ruins you,
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which means that we have to find a third solution because on the one hand,
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if we make a choice that makes us feel guilty, then we're guilty
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and miserable. But on the other hand, if we make a choice that
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makes us miserable, but we're making the choice because we don't want to feel
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guilty, we're also miserable. So either way, guilty or not guilty,
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we're miserable. And this is where we have to get clear, especially at
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your age, of what's the difference between my responsibilities and my attachments. This
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is why in Indian traditional teachings, we've got what they call these four ashrams
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of life. So your student years ashram is called Brahma Chadia. In those
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years, your dharma is study, study, learn, learn in school,
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learn about yourself, learn about the world, learn about God, learn about
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each other. Learn, and then you're in good rest Ashram phase, which
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are your householder years. Your dharma is put food on the table, educate
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your kids, make a good life, take care of your parents, raise
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your children correctly, and then you move into what's called the von pressed phase
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of life, which is our kids are grown, married with jobs of their
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own. We've earned enough, We'll be fine for the rest of our lives.
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No need to keep earning. Now is the time to start slowly,
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slowly unhooking ourselves from all of these attachments, and then of course the signas
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phase of life. But it's difficult because of course there's attachments and there's my
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end. It's easy to believe that our responsibilities continue to extend, and remember
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that you've got free you will. There's no right decision or wrong decision.
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Nobody is going to say, thou shalt make this decision or that decision.
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Thou shalt pick up your grandchildren every Friday and take them home for the weekend,
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or you shall not. There's no right or wrong answer. It's entirely
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up to you. But the only thing to be clear on is what's my
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ultimate goal. Once you know what the ultimate goal is, it becomes a
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lot easier to make decisions. And it doesn't mean, by the way,
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that you cut yourself off completely. Be a wonderful father, be a wonderful
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grandfather. It's beautiful. Love is the stuff life is made of. But
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you're going to have to figure out how much of that involvement and enmeshment an
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attachment is love for love's sake, and how much of it is attachment an
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enmeshment and drama and maya and all of that, And at some point,
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at some point, you're going to extricate yourself from that, whether it's because
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you leave your body or at some point before that. But the reason that
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we're given these four phases is so that we can be ready for when we
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do leave our body, so that we've actually attained the reason that we were
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born, which is to actually know ourselves, to know the truth about the
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self, which is hard to do when you're holding down a full time job
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and kids are in school, and there's demands in the house, and you're
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taking care of your parents also frequently in the same house. It's hard to
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be really focused on a spiritual path in that phase. And that's why we
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have these other two phases after that, in which you're supposed to slowly,
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slowly, you know, it's the gently peel off the band aid rather than
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rip it off. The rip it off is you stay attached until you die,
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and then at that moment, it's the universe that comes in and essentially
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rips off that really stuck band aid and it hurts or you spend those years
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slowly, slowly, slowly finding yourself. That isn't father, that isn't grandfather,
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that isn't husband, but that is so that is spirit, that is
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consciousness, that is eternal, that is not the one who is just retired
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from this, but is the one who was never born, who's never gonna
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die, who has no age, who has no race, who has no
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religion. To find that, to find that truth in the south, because
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you want to find that before you die. That's why you were born.
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So at some point along the way, make sure that you find that.
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The exact way is up to you. You know, as I always say,
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the universe is incredibly patient. You want to do it this life,
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great, You don't want to do it this life, no problem, you
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can do it next life. It's okay. The universe is very patient.
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At some point you will extricate yourself from it and you'll find that freedom.
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And whenever that time is right, you'll feel it. You'll find it.
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There's a great story of a a young man who's living in an astrom with
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his guru, and he says to his guru he's just about to officially get
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initiated into monastic renunciation into sin Yas he says to his guru, you know,
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I'm young, I've never really lived, and so before I take this
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actual decision of really dedicating my life to spirituality. I think I should go
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and just take a few years and kind of see what it's all about,
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just so that I don't have any regrets later on. So the Guru says,
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all right, goah. So the man goes and five years pass,
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ten years pass. The man is now married and he has kids. One
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day there's a knock on the door and his wife answers, and there's an
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old man at the door who asks for the husband. And he comes to
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the door, and immediately he recognizes his guru, and the guru says,
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what's happening? What are you do him? And he says, God,
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you know the grouse has come. It's not five years, it's been ten
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years. And the man says, oh, but now, groojie, I
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can't come. The kids are young. Who's going to look after them?
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My wife she's young also, so much as needed. Our business is just
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beginning to take off. Just just give me another few years then I'll call
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my promise. So the guru goes away. Five years pass, ten years
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pass. The guru comes back and he opens the door, and he knocks
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on the door and the door is opened by a young man and he asks
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for the young man's father, and the young man tells how his father has
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passed away. But the Guru notices that there's this dog in the house barking,
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and he recognizes in the dog his disciple. So he says to the
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young man, do you mind if I just play with your dog for a
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little while. That's no problem. So the Guru says to the dog,
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what are you doing? What happened? And the man says you And he
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says, now, finally, come with me, and the man says,
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I can't. I can't. Don't you see they're you know, they've lost
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their father. They're still young, they're only in their early twenties. What
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are they going to do? As the dog, I can protect them.
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Anybody who tries to hurt them, I will bite them, I will bark.
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I will be their protector. That's why I came back as a dog,
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so I could protect them. And just give me another few years,
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just let them get older and stronger, and then they won't need me,
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And so the guru says. The Guru goes away, comes back many years
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later and he knocks on the door, and now there's two young kids we
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sees are the grandchildren, and they let him in, he asks the dog.
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The dog obviously has long since died, and the grou can see,
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though in his mind's eye, that his disciple has become a snake and is
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guarding the family safe. That he's wedged into a hole in the wall by
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the family safe, And so he says, to these kids, look,
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go inside, go to where the safe is in that wall. You will
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find a snake. Don't kill it, but just break its back and then
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bring it to me. So the kids they go in, they tell their
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parents what the old man at the door has said. So they go and
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they go to where the safe is, and they find the snake, and
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they do just as the guru said. They broke his back, and they
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bring it to the Gurudo in a bag, and the grouse is thank you,
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and he takes it. And he takes the snake and he slings it
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over his shoulder, and he says, enough enough, now you're coming with
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me. There's no end. There's no end. And you went out for
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a few years. Here we are three lifetimes of yours later, because with
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each lifetime you actually got more and more stuck, more and more stuck.
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Now you're going to come with me. And I will make you free.
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So I love that story because it's it's such a beautiful illustration of how so
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many of our minds think when we think about going onto a spiritual path.
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First I'll do this, then I'll do that, then then I'll meditate,
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then I'll actually dedicate myself. And by the way, it has nothing to
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do with vows of monastic renunciation. There's nothing in any of our scriptures or
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teachings that says you must leave the world, you must leave relationships, nothing
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like that. In fact, many many, many of the sages the Rishis
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were married, were householders, So there's nothing that says you must leave that,
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but just that internally, your direction, your focus, your attention,
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your intention must be your spiritual path, and you can do that in the
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world. It just requires priority. What's your focus? What's your priority?
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We've all only got the same number of hours every day. How are you
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going to fill them? You can only think one thought at a time.
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What thought are you going to have? What are you going to do with
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your mind? And what are you going to do with your time? That's
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for each of us to decide. But if you know what your goal is,
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then it helps you make those decisions a lot more easily. You're listening
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I'm so glad to have you all back here. With me, How can
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we keep bouncing back from the rejection of loved ones. Rejection in general is
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hard. As anyone who's been on social media knows, some random person you
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have no idea who they are write something nasty about you online, right,
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and it ruins people's days. For some people, it ruins a lot more
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than their day. Now you think they don't even know who the person is.
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I've had so many conversations with people who are very upset about something that
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was posted about them online. You say, well, who posted it?
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They don't know, They just know the handle. They don't even know who
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the person is, and yet their day, their week is ruined. I
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have so many people come who are upset about things that a colleague in the
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workplace is said about them, or a way that a colleague is treat them.
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Not even someone who's a good friend, just another random person who happens
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to occupy the same office, but they say something rude about us or rude
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to us, and it really hurts. The reason they end up telling me
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is because they're still suffering from it. They're looking to overcome that suffering and
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are these are rejections from people we don't even know are we only kind of
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now, then you think about rejection of our loved ones from our loved ones,
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and that really stings. Stings in a whole other way than rejection from
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random people and social media or random people in the office, because we have
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this idea that our loved ones really know us, and so if they reject
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us, then it feels like the very core of who we are is wrong,
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is bad that we've been We've been seen to the core and rejected.
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The way through this is to realize that, guess what, even your loved
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ones are human, they're they're not perfect. I mean, we're all divine
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at the core of who we are. But the divine never rejects anyone.
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So it's not the divine in them that's rejecting you. God never rejects.
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So the part of them that's rejecting you is the part that is very identified
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with their human incarnation, with their ego, with their role, with their
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story, with their needs. And that's usually what it's about, is we're
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not properly fulfilling what someone else's needs are, and so they reject for example,
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common example in Indian societies for sure, and certainly in other societies as
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well, you have a situation where you've got a family of profession and we're
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still a week before Divali. It's the time to buy stock and earplugs.
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So say you've got a professional family and everybody's a doctor, an engineer,
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a lawyer, a business person. And then one of the children, the
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son or the daughter, decides that even though they're doing fantastically in school,
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they're getting straight a's in math, in science. Maybe they got admitted to
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a top university also, or a top graduate program also, but they decide
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they're not interested. Maybe they want to put on a backpack and come to
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India. Maybe they want to join the Peace Corps. Maybe they want to
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write music, or write poetry, or do any one of hundreds of other
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possibilities. And what you end up with, all two free, all too
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frequently, is a rejection, if not by the entire family, certainly by
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members of the family. The parents, the grandparents are going to reject them
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for the choice. They're making. Now, that's not the divine in them
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rejecting the son or daughter for wanting to join the Peace Corps, or wanting
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to join an astrom or wanting to make music or art. It's the ego
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self that says, oh my god, what am I going to tell the
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neighbors? Oh my god, Now nobody's going to be jealous of us at
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the next wedding when everybody's talking about what their kids are doing, and I
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have to say, well, mine's writing poetry or has gone off to some
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other country and is doing something that they're not making any money for, So
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what are the neighbors going to think? And that ego aspect causes people to
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reject their own loved ones. I've seen it all too many times. Children
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are hurt, parents are hurt. Parents feel rejected like we've done everything for
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them, we gave them everything, we sent them to the best schools.
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How day are they? And it's so interesting because the sense of entitlement with
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which they say how day are they? Is as though somehow your duty in
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providing your children with the best that you have is somehow to be reciprocated by
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them having the profession you want them to have. That it's that it's actually
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a bargain rather than selfless parenting, that it's all do this for you,
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but then you you know, I'll do it for you for eighteen years or
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twenty years or twenty five years, but then you're going to spend the next
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fifty years of your life doing something that you may really not want to do,
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just because it's what I want you to do. And so you see
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a lot of times family members rejecting other family members for these sorts of decisions,
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and if you're on the receiving end of that rejection, realize they're not
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rejecting your soul, They're not rejecting the beauty of you. It's just that
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you're choices have threatened their ego. They feel hurt, and so they reject.
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But realize that it is the human in them, the ego in them,
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that is causing them to reject to you, not that there's something wrong
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with you. We see it in situations with homosexuality or anything other than just
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straight heterosexuality, where so many times I've seen it. So many times young
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people don't want to get married to a member of the opposite sex because they
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know that they're not attracted to them, but there is family pressure, societal
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pressure that says you must do this, and so in many cases they do
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and then they're miserable. But in the cases where they don't, again,
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you sadly see this rejection as they honor the truth of themselves. They suffer
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rejection from those whose ego systems are too fragile to face the neighbors and explain
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why their son or daughter hasn't gotten married yet. So, if you're being
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rejected by family members, realize there's nothing wrong with you, there's also nothing
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wrong with them. They're just human. They're also just doing the best they
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can. But what it means is that some aspect of who you are is
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threatening an aspect of their fragility, and they're not able to accept it,
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which means that they're not able to accept you. But that doesn't mean that
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there's something actually wrong with you or that you should feel shame. What it
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means is you've got a special challenge, which is you're going to need to
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find your self love and your self acceptance and your self worth in spite of
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rather than with the assistance of your family member. Usually, in a best
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case scenario, we have family members who tell us you're wonderful, you can
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do anything, you're beautiful, you're perfectne and that it teaches us to love
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ourselves, it teaches us to value ourselves. But in the times where we
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don't have that, we have the added challenge of finding that self worth and
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self value and self love independent of that loved one, which isn't impossible,
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by the way, at all. It just sends us inside, or maybe
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it sends us into different communities, to a sana, a spiritual community where
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we will be accepted new loved ones who will accept us. So if you
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find that you're having that happen, first and most importantly, no shame.
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It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Number two, have compassion for
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your loved one who has rejected you. It hurts them just as much as
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it hurts you, But they don't have the inner courage, flexibility, adaptability
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skill to handle the current situation. Maybe they will in the future. Pray
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for them, but have compassion in the meantime. And number three, make
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sure that you fill yourself with people, with a community, with teachings,
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with a spiritual practice that teaches you how to love yourself, that teaches you
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how to accept yourself, that teaches you how to value yourself independent of what
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that loved one may be saying. This is OTRFM, part of the Iom
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Treatment of Animals. Sneven six two two PETA Welcome back. This is Sadvi
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Bagavati Saraswati with inspiration and transform the karma of a newborn child who dies or
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child who dies in your utero. The question is how could they have possibly
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accumulated any karma the results of which would lead to their death? If they
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haven't done anything yet, they haven't even lived one day or one week,
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how could they possibly have done something to result in their deaths. Well,
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there's a lot of pieces here. One piece is, of course, we
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don't look only at this lifetime. Karma takes us back through different lifetimes.
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Now, we've got three different types of karma, product karma, Sunschit karma,
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and creama karma. And I won't go into all of the philosophical differences
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of them, but basically what they are is karma that is long term,
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as in an action you did in a past life, the fruit will be
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born in some future life. Think of it like a trust set up for
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you when you were born that you can access in your next life. It's
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like that, then you've got karma that is bearing fruit in this life today,
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tomorrow, next week, last week, and then you've got immediate karma
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bearing fruit right now. Typical example of that would be a bar fight,
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right I hit you, you hit me back, immediate karma and its over.
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Then I hit you, you hit me. We both go home with
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black eyes. But our karmic stuff is done. But the rest of it,
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the rest of it comes actually from past lives as well as from this
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life, whether it's bearing fruit this life or not. The seeds were planted
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in past lives as well as this one. So we come into this birth
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carrying a karmic bank account. So that's one piece of this, is that
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that newborn child or unborn child actually came with a karmic package that's in existence
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even before they do any action this life. But then there's another component to
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it, which is karma does not only work in one direction. So it's
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not only what you did in the past is now bearing fruit today. There's
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also situations in which things happen today for a purpose in the future. So,
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for example, if you look at things in our history like the Holocaust
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or nine to eleven or any one of innumerable moments in history where a very
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large number of really innocent people, through no fault of anything that they had
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done, certainly not in this life, suffer immeasurably at the hands of a
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few. We think of it not only in a well they had some collective
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karma that bear fruit at this time, but rather as their souls, their
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individual souls on some cosmic level, agreed to have this in this birth in
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order to give a lesson, give a teaching, catalyze a change in our
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society, in our world. And so sometimes if you're looking for a karmic
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reason, almost all of the time it's from the past. But every once
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in a while, there's a result that comes before the cause. There's something
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that happens that we think is a result, but actually is the cause,
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and the result is only later to come. And so the measures, for
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example, that went into place post World War two to ensure that these sorts
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of things would never happen again, the measures that went into place against terrorism,
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these these sorts of things, and just on a collective level, the
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way that people came together. If you hear stories of how people came together
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in New York, people of every race, every religion, every color,
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every background, the selflessness, what people did for each other, but a
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week earlier they wouldn't have done. A week earlier, a beggar said,
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hey, do you have a quarter? And they walked right by like a
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good New Yorker. But after nine to eleven, they were taking these people
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into their homes. It cracked open the hearts of not only people in New
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York, but people all over the world. So when we think about karma,
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don't always only look back. Sometimes look forward. Well, okay,
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if there's no explanation in the back other than just saying, well, it
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must have been some past life that we don't know about, maybe look to
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the future. What is it catalyzing? What needed to shift in the world
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due to which the universe made this thing happen, so that there was a
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domino of fact on other things. And the last piece with regard to young
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children, whether an unborn newborn or even a teenager children, people who die
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long before we would say they've reached a ripe old age. Interestingly and tragically,
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they almost always seem to be the ones who everyone says they were like
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an angel. I mean, we have so many people come from all over
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the world here to do the final rights of loved ones. And whenever it
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was a child, it's always this boy, this girl. They were an
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angel. They were the one who everyone loved, everyone depended on, the
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one who helped everyone. They almost always seem like these enlightened beings in the
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bodies of eight year olds, ten year olds. And the reason for that
41:17
is when you look at lifetimes of karma, and when you look at the
41:23
fact that ultimately the highest goal, according to the Hindu tradition, is to
41:31
no longer have to come back in a body, but rather to be that
41:38
soul that merges into the divine, like that drop merges into the ocean.
41:45
To no longer have to do this, I am separate from God drama in
41:50
our bodies, but that when we drop the body for the soul just to
41:59
go back to the divine and not to have to keep coming in what we
42:05
call this wheel of some sada and with children. One of the reasons that
42:13
so frequently they were these angels is because in their last life they were almost
42:19
done, They were almost at that point of not having to take another body,
42:28
but there was maybe some remaining karmic debt, small minimal, It only
42:36
took them a few days, a few weeks, a few years to finish
42:42
that, and so they finished it, and then they were done. And
42:46
even though it feels like a tragedy to us who have lost them in the
42:54
scheme of things, in the big picture of things, they're done. It's
43:02
a celebration, it's a blessing. They no longer had to be in the
43:08
body. They could drop it and be done and just merge back into the
43:16
divine. So that's the third way of understanding the very young or even unborn
43:29
child karma. And as far as the family don't think of it as a
43:34
punishment, we oversimplify things as though somehow this is a reward, this is
43:42
a punishment, but that is not how it is. We receive that which
43:50
is going to be most conducive to us to take the next step on our
43:55
karmic journey. And maybe maybe the grief of the loss of this child is
44:05
exactly the most conducive thing for you to get closer to God. Because remember,
44:13
we're not here to get everything we want. That's not the promise of
44:17
human birth. That's not the goal of human birth. There's no there's no
44:22
scripture I know of in which God says, be a good person, and
44:28
I'll give you everything you want. Just ask anything you want, I'll give
44:32
it to you. It's never that, it's not about that. It's about
44:42
getting closer to God. And sometimes tragedy is that that brings us closer to
44:51
God. And so I would never ever want that family to think that they
44:59
had done something thing wrong and we're being punished, but rather simply to say,
45:05
Okay, this has happened, which means that this is the most conducive
45:13
way for us to take the next step to God. So let's take it.
45:21
Let's take it. We're in this tragedy, Let's get closer to God.
45:30
Let's let this tragedy break our hearts so that they can then be open
45:42
to the divine And that doesn't make it any easier, I know, but
45:52
unfortunately that was also never promised. So we do the very best with the
46:00
situations that get presented to us, knowing that each one is an opportunity for
46:06
us to walk closer to God. This is OTRFM, part of the Iom
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Ethical treatment of Animals seven five seven six two two peta. Welcome back.
47:46
This is Sadvi Bagavati Saraswati with inspiration and transformation. How do we handle divorce
47:59
when we've been early betrayed as quickly as possible to extricate ourselves as quickly as
48:09
possible from that situation. We take all of that which happened as a lesson.
48:23
We were not betrayed because we were bad or wrong, or somehow deserved
48:30
to be betrayed. We were betrayed because someone else, in their karmic journey,
48:40
was so full of ignorance, of fear, of confusion, of desire
48:52
that we were not the first things in their mind that more important than our
49:00
feelings were their own fears or desires or confusions. But that doesn't mean that
49:13
we don't deserve peace and love. So we take what happened as a lesson
49:25
because we can learn so much in every situation. We thank God that we
49:32
are out of it, and we do whatever we need to do to clean
49:38
our hearts of the anger, of the pain, of the grudges. Because
49:45
although with a divorce you may be legally free of the person who betrayed you,
49:53
if you carry what they did into the present and the future, well
50:02
you are essentially still married, even though on paper you're divorced. And this
50:09
is true not only in a situation of divorce in a marriage, this is
50:14
true in every situation. If we carry the pain of the past into the
50:22
present into the future, we are the ones responsible. Someone else hurt us
50:30
in the past, they were responsible. But if we carry that pain into
50:38
the present and the future, we have become the perpetrator of our own pain.
50:45
We have become the perpetrator of our own situation. And we don't want
50:52
to do that. Why would you create more difficulty for yourself. You've suffered
50:57
enough. So we do whatever work needs to be done, spiritual work,
51:06
psychological work to really be able to let go and to move on. The
51:15
mind loves to go to the past. It's the nature of the mind.
51:22
It always goes to the past, either with longing for the good old days,
51:31
or in frustration at how we did something we wished that we had done
51:39
it differently we regret it, or in anger and gredguous paying over what's happened.
51:51
But that's where the mind likes to go. It also goes in the
51:53
future, typically in an anxiety way. Sometimes we envision beautiful things for the
52:00
future, but most of our minds tend to go into all of the awful
52:06
things that could happen, And even if we're envisioning something beautiful through that,
52:13
we're missing the beauty of the present moment. So that's the nature of the
52:20
mind, is to go to the past and the future. It's why we
52:22
meditate, or one of the reasons. It trains the mind to be in
52:29
the present. If I'm with my breath, I'm right here. And if
52:37
I'm right here, then I can experience joy, peace, freedom. If
52:46
I'm not here, I can't experience any of that. So engage in spiritual
52:58
practices jugnas, poogas, meditation, art, the come to the ashrams,
53:07
go on retreat, do whatever you need to do spiritually to catalyze this new
53:14
phase in your life. If you find that you're really struggling and that's not
53:21
solving at all, do some psychological work, go to therapy, talk to
53:27
someone about it, get some psychological tools and techniques to work through the pain,
53:37
the trauma. But ultimately the goal is one which is move on,
53:45
move forward. Your husband may have harmed you in the past, you've taken
53:54
the steps to free yourself of that through this divorce. For god sakes,
54:00
don't divorce him and then bring him back into your bed, back into your
54:07
mind. Leave him there. Take the lessons, but leave the pain.
54:20
And I know that it sounds a lot easier said than done, but I
54:25
speak as someone who personally has been blessed, been gifted with the opportunity to
54:38
let go, to forgive past pain, past trauma, and it absolutely can
54:45
be done regardless of what someone else has done to you. So you've cut
54:52
the chords legally, now cut them energetically, regardless of what he may do.
55:00
Because the beautiful thing about tension, as I always say, is it
55:05
only requires one person to let go for all the tension to dissipate. If
55:12
I'm holding one end of a cord and you're holding the other end of the
55:15
cord and we're pulling and there's a lot of tension in the rope, it
55:20
doesn't actually need both of us to let go. It just needs one of
55:23
us to let go, and then all the tension is gone. So if
55:30
he doesn't let go, no problem. You let go of that rope so
55:36
that you can be tension free. This brings to a close this hour of
55:43
inspiration and transformation. Thank you so much for joining me. I am so
55:51
glad to be together with you all each week, and I look forward to
55:55
being together again next Thursday day, same time on Home Time's radio Beacer and
57:00
the Looker Looking