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Why Triggers and Obsessions Exist After You Quit — and Why They Go Away · Recovering Out Loud

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All right, everybody, welcome back to Recovering Out Loud
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podcast. I'm your host, Anthony.
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Today we're going to be talking about triggers, intrusive
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drinking, memories, drinking thoughts, using thoughts, why
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they happen, where they happen, and why do people say that when
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they stay sober longer, the obsession has been removed.
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We're talking about obsession of the mind here in early recovery.
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It's all I can think about. As time goes on, it's less and
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less. The space gets longer and longer
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and the memories are less intense.
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So let's talk about it, because this effects everybody.
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No matter how long you've been sober, it still comes, albeit
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less the longer you've been sober.
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But I've been sober a year and two months now almost, and I can
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tell you I'm still getting the highlights of the good old days
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And remember this, Anthony? And, and it, it comes up in my
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mind and it's like dopamine. I get high on it sometimes.
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And if we're not careful, that'll take you back out.
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So let's talk about it. You can be having a completely
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normal day and then out of nowhere, maybe a song comes on,
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a smell. You walk by a familiar place or
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person and suddenly you're not here anymore and you're thinking
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about, like I said, the good old days.
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Remember when? And well, that was fun.
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That would be nice. I'd probably enjoy that.
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We're talking about using or drinking memories, of course.
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So what are these intrusive memories?
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Triggers. Obsession of the mind?
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What is it? Well, basically, intrusive
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memories are not conscious choices.
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They come out of nowhere. I don't know if you've noticed
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this, but you have no control over your first thoughts.
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They tend to come out of complete left field sometimes.
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I'll be having a great day and all of a sudden I'll remember a
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time when I was alone at a bar and drinking and using and my
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brain will tell me, oh, that was fun, Remember how fun that was?
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And then I leave out the shame, guilt, remorse that happened
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later that night. Or the time I couldn't stop and
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I was hiding in the shower waiting for someone to break
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into my hotel room holding a weapon because I was so
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paranoid. My brain doesn't remember that,
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only remembers the good part, the 5 minutes before, the 5
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minutes when you first start, the first couple drinks, first
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couple lines. So the key idea here is that
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your body remembers things your mind didn't ask for.
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So a smell, a place, a sight, it'll just trigger a memory,
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it'll activate. So your brain, my brain, our
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brain learned that substances equals relief.
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That's what we were looking for, right?
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Essentially, men and women, people drink or use because they
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like the effect produced by drugs or alcohol or both.
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When you repeat the use of that substance, your brain learns to
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associate alcohol and drugs with stress relief, emotional
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regulation, right? Calm, peace, quiet, safety,
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reward or pleasure escape. I don't want to be here now, so
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I'm going to use and I'm going to disappear.
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I'm going to escape the moments. This feeling, this memory, this
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emotion. We've trained our brains so long
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over repeated use, over time, that that's the default.
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When we have an uncomfortable, when we're disturbed, go to
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drugs, go to alcohol, Fixed, gone.
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It's like a chemical eject button.
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This learning is stored in habit and memory circuits, not logic.
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There's nothing logical about this.
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So even when you know using is bad and I shouldn't be using, I
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shouldn't be drinking because we all know where it ends up.
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When I play the tape all the way through to the end, I end up in
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jail institutions or death rehab on the street homeless.
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So even when you know it's still a bad idea, the brain still
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sends a signal to to that shortcut, that quick hit, that
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relief, that quick fix. This worked before.
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Your brain saying this worked before, let's do it again.
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You, your brain is going to look for survival mechanisms,
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comfort, quick fixes, like I said, shortcuts, because that's
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what it's trained to do to survive.
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That's why triggers feel automatic and intrusive.
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They come out of nowhere. Triggers are conditioned
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responses. So essentially a trigger is just
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a cue the brain linked to using places.
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So I walked by a club that I used to use that.
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I walked by a stupid King Street and I remember a time when I had
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fun there for 4 minutes old using friends.
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I remember hanging out with Johnny and using in his
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basement, playing pool and smoking in his basement.
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Now when I think of pool, sometimes this doesn't actually
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happen. It's just an example.
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When I think of pool, I think of cocaine because I used to always
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play pool with cocaine. I'm associating my brain is
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associated emotions. So some of us use because we're
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stressed. Some of us use and drink because
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we're bored, lonely, we're in fear.
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Celebration. I feel good, I want to
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celebrate. I want to make this moment
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better. I use stimulants for work to
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enhance my personality in quotations.
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I thought I was enhancing my personality at work.
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Not the case. Times of day could be another
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one. These are all cues that your
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brain says, oh, let's use drugs because it worked before.
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It fixed said problem before, so let's do it again.
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Your nervous system reacts before conscious thought.
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It's a subconscious mechanism in your brain.
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It's not weakness, it's conditioning.
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This is just what we're used to. So now we get into recovery and
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we stopped using, we stopped drinking, the substances are
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gone, our medicine is gone, our brain's shortcut is gone.
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Our our brain's pathway, that quick fix is gone no more.
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But the neural pathways are still there.
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They're still trained. So although the brain protests,
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obsessions, cravings, emotional swings, mental well-being,
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bargaining, mental bargaining, this is your system saying
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where's the thing that used to regulate me?
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Let's go to that. This is why it's so important to
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be aware of it, to name it, to get it out there and tell
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somebody so it loses its power because it'll just be bouncing
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around like a ping pong ball in your brain until you eventually
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pick up. So why triggers and obsessions
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eventually go away? You stay sober long enough to
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hear people, I've lost the obsession to drink.
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They don't think about it anymore.
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They don't think about using. The brain stops getting reward
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confirmation. This is important here.
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Every time you don't use after a trigger.
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So when a memory, a trigger comes up, every time you take
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the positive behavior and you don't pick up, you don't call
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your dealer, you don't go to the bar.
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You're training your brain to predict relief without that
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substance, without substance, with good habit, calling
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somebody, walking, journaling, praying, meditating.
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You're training your brain slowly over time.
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Doesn't happen overnight. Now, relief isn't coming from
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the substance. It's coming from the pattern,
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the behavior of the routine, the action that you take.
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The prediction fails, so over time the brain updates.
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It's like an operating system. This cue no longer leads to
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reward. So this trigger no longer leads
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to reward. I'm going to stop sending him
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cues or sending her cues to use drugs to fix it quickly.
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This process is called extinction learning.
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Extinction learning. It takes time.
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Now you have a new regulation system replaces the old one.
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As recovery stabilizes, as recovery stabilizes, as you
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count days you collect days you collect months, you collect
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years, you get you develop emotional regulation skills,
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emotional sobriety. I can deal with anger, fear,
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lust, jealousy. I can deal with these emotions
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without having to use you. Develop social connection.
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I choose my friends over the bar, my sober friends over go to
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the bar. I choose my sober community.
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Going for coffee over going to the bar or grabbing or going to
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a club. It develops purpose and
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structure. Now I have a North Star, I have
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a direction. I feel like I'm obligated to
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take this path and not pick up and use drugs and alcohol and
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stress tolerance. You develop stress tolerance.
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You learn how to handle situations with which used to
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baffle you. Now the brain has other ways to
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get relief. You're building new pathways.
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And so when a need is met consistently, the obsession
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loses fuel. I'll say that again.
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It's important when the need is met consistently, the obsession
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loses fuel. All behaviors are a result of
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unmet needs. I have a whether it's emotional
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regulation, like I said, or a disturbance, somebody pisses you
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off, or I don't have enough money, or I just got wronged at
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work, or somebody embarrassed me.
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I don't need to turn to drugs and alcohol to fix it.
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I can cope in other healthy ways with community, with regulation,
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with prayer, with meditation, with journaling, with exercise,
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talking about it. Emotional sobriety reduces the
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need to escape. If you want deeper dive on this,
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I did a whole episode on emotional sobriety.
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Very important to happiness in sobriety and contentment.
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Many triggers aren't about substances, they're about
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unprocessed emotion. I'm not dealing with something,
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I'm pushing it down until it blows up in my face.
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As people process shame, resolve grief, build self trust and
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create meaning, this is a recovery process.
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It's a process. It's done through actions, small
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actions. Everyday you're building trust
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with yourself. So now you're in a state of
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lower pressure because the internal pressure that created
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the obsession softens over time. Your brain is adapting.
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Low pressure leads to fewer urges, fewer triggers, fewer
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relapses. Hopefully now your brain is
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literally rewiring. It's not poetic, it's
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biological. Your dopamine systems stabilize.
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You are so used to being on high or low all the time.
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Your dopamine receptors are resetting.
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They're restabilizing. That steak that you used to
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enjoy before you used to get high and drunk now entices you.
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You can enjoy a sunset, you can enjoy a walk, you can enjoy the
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gym running. You can enjoy the simple things
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in life that you used to not be able to enjoy.
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I remember for a long time my I when I was in active addiction,
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I used to eat bags of chips and chocolate every night for
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dinner. That was my dinner.
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And then McDonald's if I was, if I had enough money.
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I couldn't find any joy in eating steak, chicken, healthy
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foods because there was no dopamine there.
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I needed candy, I needed sugar, I needed processed foods.
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Your prefrontal cortex control strengthens the decision making
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the oh I need this now. I need this quick fix.
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I only like high palatable foods.
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I only like drugs and alcohol to solve my problems.
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It's getting stronger and you can make better decisions and
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take time and see the consequence in doing negative
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behaviors, picking up outside things.
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Your old pathways don't disappear, they just go quiet.
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That's why you hear people say often, I didn't fight the
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obsession, it just stopped showing up.
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It slipped away. The obsession was removed from
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me. You hear that a lot because
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people are doing the work. They're putting in the time.
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They're building new structure, new habits, new routines.
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They're calling people, they're reaching out, they're helping
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others, they're getting out of self.
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So why doesn't this happen overnight?
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And why that's OK. Triggers frayed, fade gradually,
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not linearly. There's recovery is not linear,
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as if you haven't figured that out already.
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It's a gradual overtime practice action.
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Early recovery is loud, frequent, emotional.
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It's very intense. I remember 3 months into my
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recovery this time I was thinking about using cocaine
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every single day. What did I do?
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I stuck with my habits. I stayed around sober people.
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I called my mentor when I thought about using.
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Every time I thought about it, I called him and told him even
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though I didn't want to. Today, when it comes up, I talk
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about it, I laugh at it, I process it with people.
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That was crazy. I can't believe I just had a
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drinking dream or thought or memory that sucked.
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What? Be honest with yourself.
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How did that end up that night? Play the tape all the way
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through to the end. Middle recovery is sort of
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quieter and situational. It happens here and there.
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That's kind of where I'm at right now, where it's still
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coming and I'm still getting these memories and I'm still
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getting dopamine from old drinking using days.
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Fuck. I was going to have a shower
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earlier today and I had a memory pop up in my head of being in a
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hotel room alone doing coke. And it was like, oh, that was
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fun, Remember that? No, it wasn't fun at all.
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I was looking for the shadow people for hours after that and
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then later down the road. It's rare, fleeting and
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manageable. So it comes and goes.
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It's very fleeting, rare. This happened to me after.
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I don't even remember, honestly, but probably 2-3 years in.
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It's different for everybody. It's not going to take this long
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for you. It's different for everybody,
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but probably 2-3 years. In my first round of recovery, I
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really didn't think about drugs and alcohol at all.
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Even if I was around it, it just never came on into my mind.
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At least take the positive aspects of it.
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So each wave that passed without using teaches the brain, I can
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survive this without substances. You're training your brain over
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time. I can do this without drugs and
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alcohol. I don't need to escape this
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moment. This too shall pass.
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Trouble always passes. Trouble never lasts.
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And that lesson sticks. That's real.
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That's has depth and weight to it.
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It's not a quick fix. We're not about quick fixes.
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You're in recovery. Recovery is a marathon, not a
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Sprint. It is daily training.
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Every day you're rewiring your brain.
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Simple. Not easy.
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So the key reframe here for you to take home is triggers don't
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mean you're failing. They mean your brain is
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updating, your software is updating, your system is
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updating, it's catching up. That's also why you hear a lot
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of people say that. I mean, it's true.
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You stop aging when you start abusing drugs, you emotionally
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stop aging. You're like a child.
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So if you started using drugs at 23, like I know 2019, I started
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getting into cocaine really heavy probably 1920 and weed
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before that. So I mean, maybe even 1819, I
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stopped aging emotionally at that point.
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So when I came into recovery at 23, I had to rebuild those
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emotional skills so that I could didn't have to use drugs and I
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could build a life and not be a big baby crying and running
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around everywhere. That's why when you first come
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into recovery and you're newly sober, you're so emotional and
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you're so intense and people have a hard time handling you,
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give yourself some grace. Patience is a virtue.
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So obsessions are not proof that you still want to use, they're
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proof your nervous system is still learning safety
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obsessions. I'll read that again.
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Obsessions aren't proof you want to use.
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They are proof your nervous system is still learning safety.
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Bottom line, people have triggers and obsessions because
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addiction is learned. It's a learned pattern over
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time. The brain seeks regulation and
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homeostasis. Cues were deeply reinforced when
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you were using drinking, negative thought.
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Use drugs. Tough day at work?
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Use drugs. Money problems, use drugs.
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Your your brain has been so enmeshed with that pattern that
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it takes time to unlearn it and UN peel off the layers of the
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onion so they go away because the learning loses
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reinforcement. You're you're building new
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habits. New coping replaces old relief.
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Emotional needs get met. You are meeting them healthily.
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The brain rewires through repetition.
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Putting in the reps is the only answer here.
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Doesn't happen overnight and it's different timing for
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everybody. Recovery isn't about fighting
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urges or white knuckling it. It's about outgrowing them and
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it takes time. Be patient, give yourself grace,
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do the best you can do today and then tomorrow do it again.
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Thank you again for being here with me.
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I love you all. Please follow like subscribe to
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the podcast it helps me so so much.
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I love you all have an amazing day.
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Recovery is simple, not easy.