Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #285 Cross Country
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
- 0:05Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
- 0:09Speaker 2: wants answers.
- 0:10Speaker 3: Now, I would rather my kids do the cross country
- 0:12Speaker 3: and walk the track and come in dead last and
- 0:15Speaker 3: have fun with their friends than stay home.
- 0:18Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show.
- 0:21Speaker 3: My mum and dad. Today. This is doctor Justin Colson.
- 0:24Speaker 3: I'm the author of a whole bunch of books about
- 0:25Speaker 3: raising happy families, including Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know.
- 0:29Speaker 3: It's the best selling book that Kylie has been talking
- 0:31Speaker 3: about in our Happy Families book club for our Happy
- 0:34Speaker 3: Families members last night. I hope that that went well.
- 0:37Speaker 2: I can officially say that I've now read half of
- 0:40Speaker 2: your book.
- 0:42Speaker 3: That's great. So we've had this running gag, haven't we.
- 0:45Speaker 3: That you do the parenting while I do the writing
- 0:47Speaker 3: about parenting.
- 0:48Speaker 2: And yeah, I learn a lot about my life when
- 0:50Speaker 2: I read your book.
- 0:51Speaker 3: Come on like that. I don't write that much about
- 0:54Speaker 3: us I did in the early days. But yes, you
- 0:57Speaker 3: try to keep our lives a little bit private. That's
- 0:59Speaker 3: why we've got the podcast, so we can keep everything nice.
- 1:01Speaker 2: That's right, really quiet. I was having a conversation with
- 1:03Speaker 2: one of our friends the other day and they admitted
- 1:05Speaker 2: that they don't need to ring us anymore because they
- 1:06Speaker 2: just listened to the podcast. They get every update they need.
- 1:10Speaker 3: I think that you overshare. You told everybody that I
- 1:12Speaker 3: fell off the roof. I didn't fall off the roof.
- 1:13Speaker 3: I slid off the roof.
- 1:14Speaker 2: Oh really, well, today, I've got a really good one
- 1:17Speaker 2: for you.
- 1:17Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay.
- 1:18Speaker 2: I was having a very funny conversation with miss Emily
- 1:21Speaker 2: the other day.
- 1:21Speaker 3: Okay, so for those of you who are not introduced
- 1:23Speaker 3: to Emily at she's our seven.
- 1:24Speaker 2: Year old and we were getting ready for swimming and
- 1:28Speaker 2: she was having a hard time. She'd had a bit
- 1:30Speaker 2: of a meltdown. She didn't want to go. It's getting cold,
- 1:32Speaker 2: and the pool's outdoors. Even though it's heated, she's still
- 1:35Speaker 2: got to get out of her clothes in the cold
- 1:37Speaker 2: and then get into a hot pool. And so she
- 1:40Speaker 2: was kind of slinking in the car because there was
- 1:42Speaker 2: somebody next door, and she was trying to get undressed
- 1:45Speaker 2: a bit, giving her self some space and privacy. And
- 1:49Speaker 2: I noticed that she was trying to put her swimmers
- 1:51Speaker 2: on before she'd actually taken her underwear off. And I said, Emily,
- 1:54Speaker 2: I said, you forgot to take your underwear off. I said,
- 1:56Speaker 2: you don't want to have wet undies underneath your swimmers.
- 1:59Speaker 2: That would feel gross and she said, oh yeah, it would.
- 2:02Speaker 2: She said, Mom, how come dad wears undies under his bodies?
- 2:06Speaker 2: And I said, well, I said, it's a little bit
- 2:07Speaker 2: different for Dad. I said, because his penis would dangle
- 2:10Speaker 2: around and make you know all kinds of.
- 2:13Speaker 3: Right. I can't believe you said that.
- 2:16Speaker 2: Well I had to let her know.
- 2:18Speaker 3: Okay, all right, so I'm worrying. I'm wearing underpants to
- 2:21Speaker 3: keep everything together.
- 2:21Speaker 2: We keep everything together, that's right. And she said, Mom,
- 2:25Speaker 2: she said, do you have to say that? She said,
- 2:27Speaker 2: can't you call it meat balls? And I'm like meatballs?
- 2:31Speaker 2: I said, well no, because it's a penis. And I said,
- 2:34Speaker 2: and if I called it meatballs, then that would be
- 2:37Speaker 2: really weird because I like eating meatballs, but I don't
- 2:39Speaker 2: like eating a penis.
- 2:40Speaker 3: Can't You should have.
- 2:41Speaker 2: Seen her face. So we've had this conversation lots of
- 2:48Speaker 2: times about calling anatomy by its right name. Well, today
- 2:51Speaker 2: I learned that we also call it meatballs.
- 2:53Speaker 3: Right. I'm just wondering if we need to change the
- 2:56Speaker 3: rating on our podcast with a story like that. Oh
- 2:59Speaker 3: my goodness, I really hope that your parents and our
- 3:02Speaker 3: children don't listen to what you just said. Seriously. Oh gosh,
- 3:09Speaker 3: how are we supposed to recover from that? I'm really honest.
- 3:11Speaker 2: Some talking about your meatballs?
- 3:15Speaker 3: Seriously, Oh my goodness. There are so many things that
- 3:21Speaker 3: so many people are thinking right now about. I don't
- 3:24Speaker 3: I'm not even going to say it. I think we
- 3:26Speaker 3: should move on to the topic of today's conversation. Thank
- 3:28Speaker 3: you for sharing that. I think here's the email that
- 3:32Speaker 3: we got. No, normally we only share one. I can't
- 3:35Speaker 3: even look at you right now. Gosh, stop laughing. We
- 3:40Speaker 3: normally talk. I've completely lost for word. Are you hearing that?
- 3:43Speaker 3: I'm just thinking about it?
- 3:44Speaker 2: Would you like me to take over? You'd be the
- 3:46Speaker 2: co host today?
- 3:47Speaker 3: No, I've got this.
- 3:48Speaker 2: I want to be the anchor.
- 3:50Speaker 3: Oh gosh. We normally receive a lot of questions via
- 3:54Speaker 3: podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot I think we're
- 3:57Speaker 3: going to receive a lot more than questions after that story.
- 4:00Speaker 3: Holy dooly. If you've had kids who have had conversations
- 4:04Speaker 3: like that with you, we would love to hear about it.
- 4:06Speaker 3: Email us so that we can share those stories. Podcasts
- 4:08Speaker 3: at Happy Families dot com dot IU, just so that
- 4:11Speaker 3: I cannot go bright red about what's happening in my
- 4:13Speaker 3: life right now. We normally answer one question a week,
- 4:17Speaker 3: but this week we've decided to answer too because term
- 4:19Speaker 3: two is getting away for Australian parents and cross country
- 4:22Speaker 3: season has arrived, and this question from Jane it's such
- 4:26Speaker 3: a good question, and we decided that we were going
- 4:28Speaker 3: to slop that in this week so that we can
- 4:30Speaker 3: be as helpful as we can. Janey emailed us and said,
- 4:33Speaker 3: I'm hoping someone can ease my guilt. It's cross country
- 4:35Speaker 3: day at the kids' school today. My seven year old's
- 4:38Speaker 3: been crying since five point thirty saying she's sick. Miss
- 4:42Speaker 3: five has been dancing and singing and running around the
- 4:45Speaker 3: house that is, saying it's cross country day. Meanwhile my
- 4:49Speaker 3: seven year old's doing everything she can to convince me
- 4:51Speaker 3: she's sick. I managed to get my seven year old
- 4:53Speaker 3: on the bus, but now I have intense guilt about it.
- 4:55Speaker 3: What do other parents do if their child doesn't want
- 4:57Speaker 3: to do cross country? I should also add seven year
- 5:00Speaker 3: old does have anxiety, and we went through a year
- 5:02Speaker 3: and a half of school refusal. Any advice appreciated, even
- 5:05Speaker 3: if it's to tell me that I should feel guilty
- 5:07Speaker 3: for sending her off for school. Oh, Janey, this is
- 5:12Speaker 3: this is a really big deal. Though. I get so
- 5:14Speaker 3: many parents say, am I supposed to force the kids
- 5:17Speaker 3: to do athletics? They hate athletics, they can't throw a javelin,
- 5:19Speaker 3: they're not interested in discuss or shot put? Or is
- 5:23Speaker 3: the swimming carnival? We haven't Some parents will say, we
- 5:25Speaker 3: haven't given our kids swimming lessons. They can't swim. Why
- 5:27Speaker 3: would we make them compete and look completely incompetent and
- 5:30Speaker 3: foolish in front of all their friends? What's the deal?
- 5:32Speaker 2: Are our kids right brain or left brain dominant?
- 5:36Speaker 3: There's a lot of myths out there about neuro psychology
- 5:39Speaker 3: and whether somebody is left or right brain dominant, And
- 5:43Speaker 3: there's a whole lot of stuff out there about how
- 5:45Speaker 3: we use one side of our brain more than the other.
- 5:47Speaker 3: It's not really how it works. Why do you.
- 5:48Speaker 2: Ask, Well, just the acknowledgment that you know each of
- 5:51Speaker 2: us have different skills and different talents, and I think
- 5:55Speaker 2: that you know, we're really big believers in getting involved,
- 5:58Speaker 2: being participated and being a part of things, But there's
- 6:02Speaker 2: also an acknowledgment that some of us just we're not
- 6:06Speaker 2: great at those things. And when you look at athletics carnival,
- 6:11Speaker 2: which is all competition based, then the last thing anybody
- 6:15Speaker 2: wants to do is be placed in a position where
- 6:17Speaker 2: they're going to come last.
- 6:18Speaker 3: Yeah, so important. Let's talk about what Janie might do
- 6:21Speaker 3: next year with her anxious eight year old even though
- 6:24Speaker 3: she's seven this year and cross country has been and gone.
- 6:27Speaker 3: But for anyone who's got these carnivals or these meetings
- 6:31Speaker 3: at school coming up, whether kids are going to have
- 6:32Speaker 3: to compete, whether it's swimming or athletics or cross country
- 6:35Speaker 3: or whatever it might be, how do we work out
- 6:37Speaker 3: the balance between getting them to participate and give it
- 6:40Speaker 3: a really red hot go, but also acknowledging that some
- 6:43Speaker 3: kids are good at stuff and some kids aren't, and
- 6:46Speaker 3: is it actually right to do that. We'll talk more
- 6:49Speaker 3: about this in just a second. It's their Happy Families.
- 6:52Speaker 1: Podcat us Screens Creating Tension at Home, tweens, teens and
- 6:56Speaker 1: Screens is a webinar to guide families to healthy It's
- 7:00Speaker 1: say Superscreen Solutions Bye today at Happyfamilies dot com dot
- 7:04Speaker 1: au slash Shop.
- 7:06Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
- 7:09Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now.
- 7:11Speaker 3: And this question from Jane, it's such a good question.
- 7:15Speaker 3: Do we or do we not send the kids to
- 7:17Speaker 3: the cross country races at school when they don't want
- 7:21Speaker 3: to go and they don't like running, and it's no
- 7:22Speaker 3: good can I know that you've got a few ideas
- 7:25Speaker 3: on this, but I really am dying to just jump
- 7:28Speaker 3: in and make one important point. I would rather my
- 7:32Speaker 3: kids do the cross country and walk the track and
- 7:35Speaker 3: come in dead last and have fun with their friends
- 7:38Speaker 3: than stay home.
- 7:40Speaker 2: Okay, but I'm going to ask you how much fun
- 7:42Speaker 2: are they having if they're coming last and their friends
- 7:44Speaker 2: are at the finish line.
- 7:45Speaker 3: Well, I remember the cool kids when I went to school,
- 7:48Speaker 3: Like I was always the one that ran really fast.
- 7:50Speaker 3: I tried as hard as I could in cross country,
- 7:52Speaker 3: and I was a good swimmer, and so I loved
- 7:56Speaker 3: cross country for that reason. But I remember watching some
- 7:58Speaker 3: of the kids that weren't interested in compete, and they
- 8:00Speaker 3: would literally just walk the course with a couple of friends.
- 8:04Speaker 3: So in every age group, there's going to be a
- 8:06Speaker 3: couple of kids that aren't going to have a go,
- 8:07Speaker 3: but they would walk it. And I would still rather
- 8:09Speaker 3: the kids be out and about. They're outside, they're with friends,
- 8:11Speaker 3: they're being social, and they're going for a three kilometer walk.
- 8:14Speaker 3: I'd rather than do that than stay at home and
- 8:16Speaker 3: be miserable. And so if I've got a child who's
- 8:19Speaker 3: absolutely refusing because they're going to say I'm going to
- 8:21Speaker 3: lose it's no fun, I'd say, well, why don't you
- 8:23Speaker 3: go for a three k walk with a couple of
- 8:25Speaker 3: friends who also don't want to compete. I think that
- 8:27Speaker 3: would be better. I know that there's nothing there about
- 8:29Speaker 3: school spirit and having a real go, but at least
- 8:31Speaker 3: they're doing more than they would do if they stay
- 8:33Speaker 3: at home.
- 8:34Speaker 2: I think, you know, we can tap in beautifully to
- 8:37Speaker 2: the conversation we had on Tuesday about understanding and taking
- 8:40Speaker 2: the time to actually understand why children don't want to
- 8:43Speaker 2: be involved.
- 8:44Speaker 3: You know, for me, are you just giving me my
- 8:46Speaker 3: words back to me because I've skipped that bit today.
- 8:48Speaker 3: That's really impressive. Make me feel a little bit in common.
- 8:52Speaker 2: Maybe this podcast thing is dropping off on me.
- 8:54Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, so you're saying explore their world.
- 8:56Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's really important. You know, I look
- 8:59Speaker 2: back at my years in primary school in particular, and
- 9:02Speaker 2: we had moved from New Zealand to Australia. The climate
- 9:06Speaker 2: was very different here, oh into in parison.
- 9:08Speaker 3: Doing a cross country run in New Zealand would be
- 9:10Speaker 3: nice and cool, Doing it in Brisbane not so much.
- 9:13Speaker 2: No, And so I can remember every you know, athletics,
- 9:17Speaker 2: carnival days, swimming, carnival, we're in the heat. The last
- 9:21Speaker 2: thing I wanted to do as an eleven year old,
- 9:24Speaker 2: twelve year old was sit in the Queensland heat all day.
- 9:28Speaker 2: When I knew that number one, I was really not
- 9:31Speaker 2: particularly skilled in any of these things. I was going
- 9:35Speaker 2: to come last every time. I was going to be
- 9:37Speaker 2: you know, the class clown. Everyone's going to laugh at
- 9:40Speaker 2: me because I tripped over on my shoes or whatever.
- 9:43Speaker 2: That was the last thing I wanted to be doing.
- 9:45Speaker 3: Okay, so climate is a bit of an issue, but
- 9:48Speaker 3: I'm thinking about people in Victoria.
- 9:49Speaker 2: Okay, so we have another child.
- 9:51Speaker 3: Not going to be a climate issue there, mind you.
- 9:53Speaker 3: At the moment there's a lockdown. So anyone that had
- 9:55Speaker 3: cross country this year, good luck with that. That's not
- 9:56Speaker 3: going to be happening. Do a cross country within five
- 9:58Speaker 3: kilometers of your home, runner the block for three kilometers.
- 10:01Speaker 3: I'm so sorry, Victoria, but.
- 10:03Speaker 2: Abound another child. The chaos of a carnival and the
- 10:07Speaker 2: noise of a carnival actually really sends her over the edge.
- 10:11Speaker 2: So she will get through the day and by the
- 10:13Speaker 2: time she gets home she is an absolute wretch. She's exhausted, emotionally, physically,
- 10:20Speaker 2: just and you know, she has trooped it so many times.
- 10:23Speaker 2: She's gone along and she's she's tried, but I have
- 10:27Speaker 2: just watched you know what it does to her physically,
- 10:30Speaker 2: mentally and emotionally, and it's not worth it, right.
- 10:33Speaker 3: And then you've also mentioned the competence issues a minute ago,
- 10:37Speaker 3: just falling over or not being fast enough or feeling
- 10:40Speaker 3: lousy about it. Let's talk science for a sec Research
- 10:43Speaker 3: tells us that kids thrive when they have three basic
- 10:47Speaker 3: psychological needs. Met relatedness. They like to be with people
- 10:51Speaker 3: that they love and that they belong to their tribe
- 10:54Speaker 3: or their family or both. Secondly, autonomy, they want to
- 10:58Speaker 3: have a sense of control, and Third, competence. So if
- 11:02Speaker 3: the school is putting on a carnival and your child
- 11:06Speaker 3: feels completely incompetent, they're not going to be motivated, and
- 11:10Speaker 3: it's not going to.
- 11:11Speaker 2: End up being a positive experience VELO.
- 11:13Speaker 3: And then we're going to force them, so they're not
- 11:14Speaker 3: going to have the need for control met because we're
- 11:17Speaker 3: controlling them. So now they feel incompetent and they feel controlled.
- 11:20Speaker 3: And because they feel incompetent and they feel controlled, they're
- 11:23Speaker 3: looking at us making them do it, and our relationship
- 11:25Speaker 3: suffers as well. So we actually undermine their basic psychological
- 11:29Speaker 3: needs by forcing them to compete in these athletics carnivals,
- 11:32Speaker 3: these cross country carnivals. I'm thinking of the kid who
- 11:35Speaker 3: can't swim very well and their parents say, well, you've
- 11:38Speaker 3: got to go to the swimming carnival and you've got
- 11:39Speaker 3: to give it your best, and there's that great drowning
- 11:43Speaker 3: while they're drowning. Yeah, and there's that great quote from
- 11:45Speaker 3: Albert Einstein. I'm sure everyone's seen it on social media.
- 11:49Speaker 3: Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish
- 11:51Speaker 3: by its ability to climb a tree, it will live
- 11:54Speaker 3: its whole life believing that it's stupid.
- 11:57Speaker 2: I love I've never heard that.
- 11:59Speaker 3: Yeah, how good is that?
- 12:00Speaker 2: I love it because it really taps into this idea
- 12:02Speaker 2: that we've each got our own strengths. I think it's
- 12:05Speaker 2: really important for us as parents to be able to
- 12:07Speaker 2: help our children recognize what their strengths are, celebrate those strengths,
- 12:11Speaker 2: and give them opportunities to develop and grow them.
- 12:14Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So let's go back to this important
- 12:17Speaker 3: question because it is cross country season for a lot
- 12:20Speaker 3: of families around the country at the moment, do you
- 12:22Speaker 3: or don't you send the kids to a do cross country?
- 12:24Speaker 3: If they're saying, but I don't want to do it.
- 12:26Speaker 3: I hate cross country. It's so dumb and I'm not
- 12:28Speaker 3: going to be any good at it. So before we
- 12:30Speaker 3: talk about our take home message and what the answer
- 12:32Speaker 3: to this might be for most families, I think it's
- 12:37Speaker 3: really important as well that we address the question why
- 12:39Speaker 3: is it so important to us as parents that our
- 12:42Speaker 3: children go in these competitions.
- 12:46Speaker 2: It's interesting, because of the way we've chosen to raise
- 12:48Speaker 2: our children, we do not have a single child who
- 12:50Speaker 2: actually enjoys competition.
- 12:52Speaker 3: Yeah. In fact, I've made a really clear point of
- 12:55Speaker 3: saying that competition often undermines our well being. There's research
- 12:59Speaker 3: that shows actually for children that when things get competitive,
- 13:03Speaker 3: they tend to feel less resilient, not more resilient.
- 13:06Speaker 2: Yeah, and we've watched it with all of our girls.
- 13:09Speaker 2: They've all gone through swimming lessons, squad training, and they
- 13:12Speaker 2: are strong swimmers. And every year the swimming carnival comes around,
- 13:15Speaker 2: and every year they tell us they don't want to participate,
- 13:18Speaker 2: and every year we say, come on, give it a go.
- 13:20Speaker 2: You know as well as I do that you're probably
- 13:22Speaker 2: the best swimmer in the school.
- 13:23Speaker 3: And they usually end up being age champion or something
- 13:25Speaker 3: like that.
- 13:26Speaker 2: They do every time, but they just hate the fact
- 13:29Speaker 2: that they're competing against their friends. They don't want to
- 13:32Speaker 2: win in place of a friend.
- 13:35Speaker 3: And the other thing about winning when you're going up
- 13:37Speaker 3: against people who aren't really good at what you're doing,
- 13:39Speaker 3: is it feels like a pretty hollow victory. They're like, oh, yeah, what,
- 13:42Speaker 3: I'm the best swimmer, but I'm the only one at
- 13:44Speaker 3: the school that actually gave it a go. Squad training
- 13:46Speaker 3: are actually tried in the pool, and it's the same
- 13:48Speaker 3: with the cross country. So we don't think that competition
- 13:51Speaker 3: and there's enough research to say that competition is not
- 13:54Speaker 3: great for kids, but parents still value their kids giving
- 13:57Speaker 3: it a go. Parents still really want to push their
- 13:59Speaker 3: children into it, and for me. I want to take
- 14:02Speaker 3: that step back again and go to that Einstein quote
- 14:04Speaker 3: and basically highlight if you've got a child who doesn't
- 14:07Speaker 3: want to try in the cross country, at least get
- 14:11Speaker 3: them out for a good walk and spend time with
- 14:12Speaker 3: their friends if you can. But there's a broader conversation here,
- 14:17Speaker 3: and that is when you explore what's going on in
- 14:20Speaker 3: their world. What are they good at? What do they
- 14:22Speaker 3: want to have a go at, And let's make sure
- 14:25Speaker 3: that they're having a go at something. They don't have
- 14:27Speaker 3: to be good at everything. They don't even have to
- 14:28Speaker 3: try it everything. I think it's ridiculous that we should
- 14:31Speaker 3: all have to try it everything. But let's figure out
- 14:33Speaker 3: what we're interested in trying in and make sure that
- 14:35Speaker 3: the kids get opportunities there. What's to take our message?
- 14:39Speaker 2: I think we need to explore. We need to understand
- 14:41Speaker 2: right why our children are feeling the way they are
- 14:44Speaker 2: about it and then come up with solutions together. Is
- 14:47Speaker 2: it that will go to a morning tea. Is it
- 14:49Speaker 2: that we'll be involved in one race.
- 14:51Speaker 3: Is it that will show up and do the walk
- 14:54Speaker 3: rather than the run?
- 14:55Speaker 2: Yeah, or the acknowledgment that every athlete needs to have
- 14:58Speaker 2: a cheer squad. Are you going to be chair squad today?
- 15:00Speaker 2: I like that we live in a community and every
- 15:05Speaker 2: one of us plays a part in that community, and
- 15:07Speaker 2: we can't all be the superstars, but we can be
- 15:10Speaker 2: a part of it. And if we can show our
- 15:13Speaker 2: children that they matter and that them being a part
- 15:16Speaker 2: of things matters, that actually makes a difference. What's it
- 15:19Speaker 2: like when you go to a carnival and you've got
- 15:20Speaker 2: a great, big cheer squad over on the side. It
- 15:22Speaker 2: feels good, doesn't it. The energy grows and you're excited
- 15:26Speaker 2: to be there. I think we need to help our
- 15:28Speaker 2: children see that it's not there's not just one way
- 15:30Speaker 2: to participate.
- 15:31Speaker 3: Jane. We really hope that our response to your email
- 15:34Speaker 3: is helpful and for everyone who's got athletics and cross
- 15:38Speaker 3: country carnivals coming up, we hope this gives you some
- 15:41Speaker 3: food for thought and that this has been a useful
- 15:44Speaker 3: podcast conversation. As always, our podcast is produced by Justin
- 15:48Speaker 3: Ruland from Bridge Media and Craig Bruce is the executive
- 15:50Speaker 3: producer of the Happy Families podcast. If you like more
- 15:53Speaker 3: info about how you can make your family happier, you
- 15:54Speaker 3: can find everything that you need at happy families dot com,
- 15:57Speaker 3: dot au s,