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Why Do I Keep Avoiding This Conversation? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  Kamini Wood: Welcome to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:03
  Kamini Wood: I'm Kamini Wood.
• 0:05
  Kamini Wood: This space is for honest conversations about how we live, love, and lead.
• 0:09
  Kamini Wood: Especially when life doesn't go the way we expect it.
• 0:12
  Kamini Wood: We'll talk about the patterns we fall into, the choices we get to make, and what it looks like to come back to ourselves along the way.
• 0:19
  Kamini Wood: I'm glad you're here.
• 0:20
  Kamini Wood: Let's get into it.
• 0:22
  Kamini Wood: There is a conversation you need to have.
• 0:25
  Kamini Wood: You know you need to have it.
• 0:27
  Kamini Wood: And honestly, your notes app knows you need to have it.
• 0:30
  Kamini Wood: You've rehearsed it.
• 0:31
  Kamini Wood: You've rewritten the opening sentence multiple times.
• 0:34
  Kamini Wood: You've imagined exactly how it's going to go.
• 0:36
  Kamini Wood: And somehow, every time the moment comes, there's this very reasonable explanation for why now's not the right time to have that conversation.
• 0:44
  Kamini Wood: They're tired, you're tired, they have a lot going on.
• 0:47
  Kamini Wood: This week's been crazy.
• 0:48
  Kamini Wood: You don't want to ruin the weekend.
• 0:50
  Kamini Wood: You don't want to create tension before the meeting.
• 0:52
  Kamini Wood: Maybe it's not actually that big of a deal.
• 0:54
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you should just let it go.
• 0:56
  Kamini Wood: Except you are still thinking about it.
• 1:00
  Kamini Wood: So apparently you haven't let it go.
• 1:03
  Kamini Wood: Like it's still there.
• 1:04
  Kamini Wood: This is what I want to talk about today.
• 1:06
  Kamini Wood: Why do we avoid difficult conversations even when we know avoiding them is not helping and it's not working?
• 1:12
  Kamini Wood: And I think the first thing we need to understand is that conflict does not mean the same thing to everybody.
• 1:18
  Kamini Wood: For some people, disagreement is just disagreement.
• 1:22
  Kamini Wood: We see something differently.
• 1:24
  Kamini Wood: We talk about it.
• 1:25
  Kamini Wood: Maybe we feel uncomfortable.
• 1:27
  Kamini Wood: And then you know what?
• 1:28
  Kamini Wood: We're gonna move on.
• 1:29
  Kamini Wood: But for somebody else, disagreement can actually equal something bigger.
• 1:34
  Kamini Wood: Conflict can mean rejection, it can mean the fear of abandonment, it can mean anger, it can mean disconnection, being misunderstood, being seen as difficult, losing control, making things worse.
• 1:46
  Kamini Wood: So when somebody tells you, just have the conversation already, that may sound super simple from the outside, but inside your whole system is saying, absolutely not.
• 1:56
  Kamini Wood: That sounds so scary.
• 1:58
  Kamini Wood: What are you even saying to me?
• 2:00
  Kamini Wood: And that's where another pressure pattern can show up.
• 2:02
  Kamini Wood: And I call this one the disappear.
• 2:04
  Kamini Wood: When pressure rises rises, the disappear tends to pull back, shrinks, get quieter, waits, stays under the radar.
• 2:14
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you're the person who doesn't send the email, you don't offer your opinion, you don't bring up what bothered you, you convince yourself my it's not a big enough deal.
• 2:22
  Kamini Wood: It's fine.
• 2:23
  Kamini Wood: And over time, disappearing can start to look a lot like being an easygoing person.
• 2:27
  Kamini Wood: I'm the flexible one.
• 2:28
  Kamini Wood: I don't really care, it's not worth fighting about.
• 2:31
  Kamini Wood: And maybe, uh maybe sometimes that's true.
• 2:34
  Kamini Wood: But here's the question that I like to ask.
• 2:36
  Kamini Wood: If I if it truly doesn't matter, why are you still having the conversation with them in your head?
• 2:42
  Kamini Wood: Right?
• 2:43
  Kamini Wood: Why are you still thinking about it, having that replaying this conversation with them three days later?
• 2:47
  Kamini Wood: Because sometimes keeping the peace is really avoiding the discomfort of telling your truth.
• 2:52
  Kamini Wood: And those are not, those are those two things are not the same thing.
• 2:55
  Kamini Wood: Actually, I think there is a really important difference between keeping the peace and creating peace.
• 3:02
  Kamini Wood: Keeping the peace can mean nobody gets upset.
• 3:04
  Kamini Wood: Creating actual peace may require somebody to be uncomfortable, uncomfortable, upset, or disappointed for a few minutes.
• 3:12
  Kamini Wood: It may require a conversation.
• 3:15
  Kamini Wood: So let's take a look, right?
• 3:17
  Kamini Wood: So when we when we think about work, let's let's think about how this applies at work.
• 3:22
  Kamini Wood: Maybe somebody on your team is consistently missing deadlines.
• 3:25
  Kamini Wood: And you're thinking to yourself, I don't want to micromanage them.
• 3:28
  Kamini Wood: Um, maybe they're going through something, maybe they're having a hard time.
• 3:32
  Kamini Wood: Uh, I want to give them some grace.
• 3:33
  Kamini Wood: And maybe that is the right instinct.
• 3:36
  Kamini Wood: But then we continue to go forward, and now we're into week five and six, and the team is frustrated, you find yourself doing extra work, and you're getting more resentful day in and day out.
• 3:47
  Kamini Wood: And now the conversation you avoided because you didn't want to create discomfort has actually created even more discomfort for more people.
• 3:55
  Kamini Wood: Or we could take this into relationships.
• 3:57
  Kamini Wood: Something your partner does bothers you, and you choose not to say anything, and then they do it again, and you still choose not to say anything, and then they do it again.
• 4:06
  Kamini Wood: But by the 10th or 11th time, you're actually really upset, and they are so confused because, from their point of view, it's never been a problem before.
• 4:15
  Kamini Wood: And this is where the disappearer gets caught in that trap.
• 4:18
  Kamini Wood: They should know.
• 4:19
  Kamini Wood: How do they not know that this bothers me?
• 4:21
  Kamini Wood: They should know that I'm upset, they should know that this would hurt me, they should know that this would be upsetting, they should know I need more help.
• 4:27
  Kamini Wood: And sure, sometimes people should be more aware, right?
• 4:31
  Kamini Wood: But humans are also really bad at mind reading.
• 4:35
  Kamini Wood: We're not mind readers, so avoiding a conversation often gives us short-term relief, but that creates this ability for long-term resentment.
• 4:43
  Kamini Wood: And that's a pretty big expensive trade.
• 4:45
  Kamini Wood: So I want to make a distinction.
• 4:47
  Kamini Wood: Not every conversation needs to be had.
• 4:50
  Kamini Wood: You know, I'm not suggesting that you walk around confronting everybody about every single thing.
• 4:53
  Kamini Wood: That's not what I'm saying.
• 4:54
  Kamini Wood: Sometimes we decide, you know what, I really don't need to correct this.
• 4:58
  Kamini Wood: I don't need to explain myself here.
• 5:00
  Kamini Wood: I generally do not care enough to spend energy on this particular conversation.
• 5:04
  Kamini Wood: I mean, that's actually can be a very healthy choice for yourself.
• 5:07
  Kamini Wood: The question is, am I choosing silence or am I hiding it inside?
• 5:11
  Kamini Wood: Because those are two different things.
• 5:13
  Kamini Wood: And that is where we come back to notice, name, and choose.
• 5:17
  Kamini Wood: Notice what happens when you get close to the conversation.
• 5:20
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you think, I'll do this tomorrow.
• 5:23
  Kamini Wood: Or maybe you suddenly start making excuses for the other person.
• 5:26
  Kamini Wood: Or maybe you convince yourself, I'm being overly sensitive, I'm overreacting.
• 5:31
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you imagine 17 different ways a conversation could go wrong.
• 5:35
  Kamini Wood: Or maybe you become incredibly productive.
• 5:37
  Kamini Wood: Nothing makes your inbox more interesting than a conversation you don't want to have, right?
• 5:41
  Kamini Wood: We get more and more emails done and taken care of.
• 5:44
  Kamini Wood: So just notice it and then name it.
• 5:46
  Kamini Wood: Maybe we name it by saying, wow, I'm actually shrinking here, I'm disappearing here.
• 5:51
  Kamini Wood: Maybe I'm avoiding this because I don't want to deal with what might happen after I say the thing that I need to say.
• 5:57
  Kamini Wood: And then get more specific.
• 5:58
  Kamini Wood: What am I potentially afraid of here?
• 6:01
  Kamini Wood: Am I afraid that they're gonna get angry, that I'll get emotional, that I'm not gonna say it perfectly, that I'm gonna hurt them, that they're not gonna understand?
• 6:09
  Kamini Wood: Maybe, and this is a really hard one, they will understand and they're still not gonna care.
• 6:16
  Kamini Wood: What about saying the thing or what about potential conflict actually scares you?
• 6:21
  Kamini Wood: Because I just hate conflict, doesn't really give us a whole lot of information.
• 6:25
  Kamini Wood: It's really important to ask a more curious question.
• 6:27
  Kamini Wood: What is it that I believe the conflict might cost me here?
• 6:32
  Kamini Wood: That's where things get interesting.
• 6:34
  Kamini Wood: And then we choose, do I actually need to have this conversation?
• 6:37
  Kamini Wood: Because if the answer is no, I mean, wonderful, that's great.
• 6:40
  Kamini Wood: I know this with teenagers.
• 6:41
  Kamini Wood: I have I have raised teenagers.
• 6:44
  Kamini Wood: And, you know, sometimes we just choose not to have a conversation because it really actually isn't necessary.
• 6:49
  Kamini Wood: It's not worth the fight.
• 6:51
  Kamini Wood: And so we sometimes we'll let it go.
• 6:53
  Kamini Wood: And I mean we really let it go.
• 6:55
  Kamini Wood: We don't avoid the conversation and keep keep it and then have resentment build up over time because that's not letting it go.
• 7:02
  Kamini Wood: So if the answer is yes, then ask, what is the smallest honest version of this conversation?
• 7:08
  Kamini Wood: Not I need to figure out the perfect opening, not the entire speech that you've been rehearsing for multiple days, but what's the honest next sentence?
• 7:18
  Kamini Wood: Maybe it's maybe it's actually calling, calling out what's been happening, which is I've been avoiding bringing this up because I don't want this to turn into a bigger thing, but it has been bothering me.
• 7:30
  Kamini Wood: That's actually honest and straightforward.
• 7:32
  Kamini Wood: Or maybe it sounds like I need to talk to you about something that happened yesterday.
• 7:36
  Kamini Wood: Or I realize I keep saying that this is fine, and I've noticed that it's actually not.
• 7:43
  Kamini Wood: Great.
• 7:43
  Kamini Wood: We're being clear or being honest.
• 7:46
  Kamini Wood: You don't need a 15-minute disclaimer before you get into the conversation.
• 7:52
  Kamini Wood: Uh, you know, we don't need to go on about saying, Oh, you're such a great person.
• 7:56
  Kamini Wood: I really appreciate everything you do for me.
• 7:57
  Kamini Wood: And this is probably not really a big deal.
• 7:59
  Kamini Wood: And maybe I just maybe I'm being too sensitive.
• 8:02
  Kamini Wood: I and I don't really mean anything by it.
• 8:04
  Kamini Wood: We don't need to do all of that, right?
• 8:06
  Kamini Wood: Because now five minutes have passed, and the other person is like totally confused as to what it is that you're even trying to say.
• 8:12
  Kamini Wood: And that's what we do.
• 8:13
  Kamini Wood: We sometimes pad what we're trying to say, and then we are completely unclear about what it is we want to say.
• 8:18
  Kamini Wood: We can be kind and we can be clear and we can be direct.
• 8:22
  Kamini Wood: Those aren't, you know, mutually exclusive.
• 8:25
  Kamini Wood: Uh, you can care about someone and still tell them the truth.
• 8:28
  Kamini Wood: You can be a compassionate person and still say, something needs to change here.
• 8:34
  Kamini Wood: And I think this happens and matters a lot in leadership because sometimes leaders confuse avoiding hard feedback with being supportive.
• 8:42
  Kamini Wood: But if somebody is really struggling and you never tell them, you're actually not supporting them because they don't have the information they need in order to grow or to evolve or to change.
• 8:52
  Kamini Wood: And this the same thing can happen in parenting.
• 8:54
  Kamini Wood: Sometimes we avoid a limit because we don't want to have a fight, and so we let something slide and then we let it slide again, and then eventually we explode, and then our child is sitting there thinking, where in the world did that come from?
• 9:08
  Kamini Wood: And why is my mother acting crazy?
• 9:11
  Kamini Wood: Well, it's because the last seven times you didn't say anything, and now it's really created some resentment within you, and you actually have exploded.
• 9:19
  Kamini Wood: And so then that conversation gets harder, and that's what I want us to try to work on to catch earlier.
• 9:25
  Kamini Wood: So that moment when you think, I should probably say something, pay attention to that.
• 9:30
  Kamini Wood: You don't have to immediately charge in to the room and start having a conversation because you might end up in conflict.
• 9:37
  Kamini Wood: Uh, but it's about paying attention to the fact that you're saying, I need to have a conversation.
• 9:44
  Kamini Wood: So again, we're not like automatically running in and having it.
• 9:47
  Kamini Wood: We're gonna be, we're gonna slow down and be thoughtful, but it's important to recognize I need to say something here.
• 9:54
  Kamini Wood: I want you to ask yourself, what am I afraid will happen if I speak up?
• 9:59
  Kamini Wood: And then ask the question, what is likely to happen if I don't speak up?
• 10:04
  Kamini Wood: What is the cost here if I don't speak up?
• 10:08
  Kamini Wood: Because avoidance has consequences too.
• 10:10
  Kamini Wood: We tend to only look at the discomfort of having a conversation and that immediate relief we get from not having it, but we don't look at what happens when we don't have that conversation.
• 10:20
  Kamini Wood: So what is the cost of this conversation and what is the cost of continuing not having this conversation?
• 10:26
  Kamini Wood: Maybe resentment grows, maybe trust starts to erode, maybe people keep crossing a boundary, but they don't even know it exists, or maybe your team keeps repeating the same mistakes.
• 10:36
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you slowly start shrinking and disappearing from a relationship because silence communicates too, right?
• 10:43
  Kamini Wood: It may not be, it just may not be saying what you think you're saying.
• 10:48
  Kamini Wood: So this week, think about the conversation you keep postponing.
• 10:51
  Kamini Wood: You don't even have to decide to have it yet.
• 10:54
  Kamini Wood: I just want you to notice it and get curious.
• 10:56
  Kamini Wood: Am I genuinely choosing not to engage here or am I actually shrinking?
• 11:00
  Kamini Wood: What am I afraid will happen if I tell the truth?
• 11:03
  Kamini Wood: What would the first honest sentence sound like?
• 11:07
  Kamini Wood: You know, not aggressive, not a huge inventory of everything that somebody's done wrong, just a simple honest opening sentence.
• 11:16
  Kamini Wood: Notice, name, and choose.
• 11:17
  Kamini Wood: That's how we start leading ourselves through hard conversations.
• 11:20
  Kamini Wood: And if you're beginning to see yourself in one of these patterns that I've been talking about, and you want a little help figuring out what tends to happen for you under pressure, I will link my pressure pattern spotting tool in the show notes.
• 11:32
  Kamini Wood: And next time we're going to be talking about something that can look like the disappear from the outside, but feels completely different from the inside.
• 11:40
  Kamini Wood: You'll you finally enter the conversation, you know what you wanted to say, someone challenges you, and then suddenly everything that you've rehearsed or thought about is gone.
• 11:50
  Kamini Wood: There's nothing.
• 11:51
  Kamini Wood: And then two hours later, of course, you know exactly what you would want it to say.
• 11:54
  Kamini Wood: So if you know that feeling, that's what we're gonna be talking about next.
• 11:57
  Kamini Wood: And until next time, stay curious.