Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Did the Narcissist Ever Love Me? (Object Constancy Explained)

Transcript

Did the Narcissist Ever Love Me? (Object Constancy Explained) · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  This one going to get hot and heavy, y'all.
• 0:03
  I see this question every single day, Lee.
• 0:06
  Was it all a lie? Did I ever truly matter to them?
• 0:11
  Or was I just a placeholder? Was it all fate from the just
• 0:14
  from the beginning? Was it all manipulation?
• 0:18
  That's the one diagnosed with NBD, y'all?
• 0:20
  Y'all know how to keep it hot and ready Like a Little Caesar's
• 0:21
  pizza with y'all, right? I'm going to give you the truth.
• 0:23
  I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna.
• 0:24
  I got to keep it real with you, right?
• 0:27
  I'm gonna keep it real, which I'm gonna tell you the truth.
• 0:29
  The truth that your narcissistic ex will never, ever admit to
• 0:32
  you, right? Because either they don't really
• 0:34
  know the answer, or they're using the lack of answer, the
• 0:38
  lack of an answer to keep you hooked to him, right?
• 0:40
  The mystery keeps you hooked. Today we were literally talking
• 0:44
  about narcissistic object constancy and the reality
• 0:48
  whether you matter to a person who might not even be able to
• 0:51
  see you as a true, authentic human being.
• 0:53
  What's up, folks? If you're new here, I'm Lee
• 0:55
  Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist.
• 0:58
  I'm here to give you the inside look at the mind of a
• 0:59
  narcissist. Let's get right into it.
• 1:06
  Did you matter? Yes, you did matter.
• 1:10
  You did matter to most of them. You did matter.
• 1:14
  Yay. Hey end of the video.
• 1:16
  See y'all later. Make sure you like and
• 1:17
  subscribe. Peace.
• 1:20
  No but seriously, did you matter?
• 1:23
  Yes you did. You absolutely did matter to
• 1:25
  this narcissistic person in some way shape or form.
• 1:27
  Now don't take me saying that as a reason for you to contact
• 1:32
  them. Don't take me saying that as a
• 1:33
  reason for you to go back to them or or break no contact or
• 1:37
  give them another chance. Respond to their message.
• 1:39
  Don't you dare do that. Don't you dare do that.
• 1:43
  Don't you dare. I'm being, I'm being real with
• 1:45
  you. I'll be angry as hell to y'all.
• 1:47
  I saw Lee's video and I clicked. I called.
• 1:49
  No, you did not. Lee said it clearly in his
• 1:52
  video. Don't reach out to them just
• 1:54
  because I said you matter because you got to get to the
• 1:55
  end of the video first, right? Did you matter?
• 1:58
  Yes, but you matter typically as a function, not as a real person
• 2:03
  to this person, right? Like to a narcissist.
• 2:05
  Most people, as I said, most not all.
• 2:08
  I don't speak in absolutes. Most people serve as like a like
• 2:11
  a tool, like tools in a toolbox. If I'm trying to build a house,
• 2:16
  IE my life image, my reputation, my career, whatever, the hammer
• 2:22
  is the most important thing in the toolbox.
• 2:24
  The hammer is the most important thing in the world to me.
• 2:27
  So if I'm trying to build my love, my relationship, my
• 2:29
  authenticity, my reputation, you're the hammer to me, right?
• 2:35
  You matter. You do matter, right, 'cause
• 2:39
  think about it like this. There's four reasons, well,
• 2:41
  three reasons why narcissists matter, right?
• 2:43
  Why you matter to a narcissist, typically one is because supply.
• 2:50
  I honestly kind of feel like that goes what I was saying.
• 2:52
  You matter like narcissistic supply.
• 2:55
  The attention, the validation, the stroking of the ego, making
• 2:59
  me feel important, making me look better, helping me out,
• 3:04
  giving me empathy, compassion, cheeks, whatever it is, the
• 3:08
  narcissistic supply is off the chain.
• 3:10
  So yeah, you absolutely did matter to them for the reason of
• 3:13
  supply sometimes, right? The second reason you couldn't
• 3:15
  matter is stability. You provided stability.
• 3:19
  You kept the house running, you paid the bills.
• 3:21
  You, you see what I'm saying? You did whatever you needed to
• 3:24
  do to help serve me, whatever it is.
• 3:28
  If you're a stay at home parent, but I'm a narcissist, right?
• 3:31
  You're serving the household. You're serving me by taking care
• 3:33
  of the household. If I'm the stay at home parent
• 3:35
  and you're the narcissist, that works.
• 3:37
  You're helping me by providing the cover I need to build my
• 3:40
  dream. You see what I'm saying?
• 3:42
  That goes up. It can go either way right there
• 3:43
  in that situation, right there, you know, so you did matter.
• 3:46
  Like I said what I said, supply stability.
• 3:48
  And the next one is the image, man.
• 3:52
  Some narcissistic people get into relationships just to look
• 3:55
  normal, right? If I want to look normal, I just
• 3:59
  get into a relationship. If I want people to look at me
• 4:01
  like a human being, I get married.
• 4:03
  I get, I have a wife and kids or husband and kids, whatever.
• 4:06
  I get a good job. I go to school.
• 4:08
  I do do normal things to make me look like a human, right?
• 4:13
  I do human being things. I am not an alien.
• 4:16
  I am a human. That type of vibe right there.
• 4:21
  I am not an alien. I am a human.
• 4:25
  Like when you stop serving the purpose, will you stop serving
• 4:29
  this? Like will you stop mattering to
• 4:31
  them? Right.
• 4:32
  It's because you stop doing those things.
• 4:34
  You, you. You made my image look bad.
• 4:36
  You expose me, you might the stability went away, you lost
• 4:39
  your job or whatever the case may be, right?
• 4:41
  That's just simplistic. The supply went away.
• 4:43
  You don't give me the narcissistic supply and
• 4:45
  admiration that you used to, or you still give it to me and it's
• 4:48
  just not the same as it used to be because it wears off, right?
• 4:50
  It's not the same as it used to be.
• 4:52
  So once you stop doing those things, once you stop being,
• 4:54
  once you stop providing that purpose, you stop mattering,
• 4:58
  right? You stop mattering.
• 5:00
  This isn't because you lost like your value.
• 5:03
  It's because the narcissistic person only values what serves
• 5:06
  them, what benefits them. You know what I mean in the end
• 5:09
  sidebar right here sidebar. I'm not saying that the
• 5:14
  narcissist is incapable of loving you at all right?
• 5:17
  I do truly think that a lot I'm gonna do a separate view on
• 5:19
  this, but I do truly think that a lot of narcissists are capable
• 5:22
  of loving people or I do think love is possible for
• 5:24
  narcissists. It might not be to the, it might
• 5:28
  not be the quality of love that you're seeking, but I do think a
• 5:31
  lot of narcissists are capable of giving you love, right?
• 5:34
  I truly do believe that right there.
• 5:36
  You know what I mean? So next thing we're gonna happen
• 5:39
  to y'all is object constancy. Y'all heard of object constancy?
• 5:45
  So if you don't know what object constancy is like, you probably
• 5:49
  hear the term before, especially in 2026, you probably hear this
• 5:51
  term everywhere. Object constancy for a healthy
• 5:54
  person if your partner is in a for like a healthy minded
• 5:58
  person, if you're not a narcissist, if your partner is
• 6:02
  in another room in the house, you still love that person.
• 6:05
  You you still feel attached to that person right if you get
• 6:08
  into a fight with that person you still remember that that
• 6:12
  person is a good person. If y'all have some type of
• 6:14
  conflict like small conflict right you still you don't look
• 6:18
  at that person as a bad person. If that person is in another
• 6:21
  room, it's not like they left you for somebody else.
• 6:24
  But narcissist, true narcissist don't have object constancy.
• 6:31
  So if you're in another room, you damn near don't exist to us.
• 6:35
  Just think about like this right here.
• 6:37
  If you are disobeying A narcissist or if we are in a
• 6:42
  fight, if we're having a conflict, if you're trying to
• 6:44
  hold me accountable, you're a bad person now.
• 6:48
  I know it's not funny, but you bad Now, you might not have done
• 6:52
  anything bad to me, but you are a bad person to me.
• 6:55
  You might not have done anything bad to me personally, but
• 6:59
  because we're arguing, because I can't see you, because I can't,
• 7:03
  I only see one thing at a time, right?
• 7:05
  I can't see. I only see things in black and
• 7:07
  white. You're, you're white now or
• 7:10
  you're black now. You see what I'm saying?
• 7:11
  You're one of the colors and whatnot, right?
• 7:14
  Is it? That's what happened right
• 7:15
  there. You're all bad.
• 7:17
  Like if we're in an argument, my brain can literally just kind of
• 7:21
  shut off and forget like the last 5-10 years of good memories
• 7:27
  that we've had together, right? Because I'm only reacting to the
• 7:30
  right now. I'm only reacting to the moment
• 7:32
  right now, in this moment. This is what I'm reacting to.
• 7:35
  So if I feel hurt right now, you're a bad person.
• 7:38
  Bad. And it takes me a long time to
• 7:40
  get past. I might not ever get past.
• 7:41
  I might always see, I might always see you as a bad person
• 7:44
  because of that right there. This is why a narcissist can
• 7:48
  easily discard you sometimes because in that moment, you
• 7:51
  don't mean anything to me. You're a bad person.
• 7:53
  You're not serving me. You're not serving a purpose
• 7:56
  anymore, right? That's what ends up happening.
• 7:59
  You know what I mean? So the object constancy, This is
• 8:01
  why sometimes you hear, sometimes you might hear object
• 8:04
  constancy use as a synonym with a compartmentalization.
• 8:09
  You can get a narcissist that goes to work.
• 8:11
  You don't work with me. My this other woman does.
• 8:15
  This is my work wife. Now I'm married to this woman at
• 8:18
  work. I don't this this woman doesn't
• 8:20
  exist at home. You don't exist at work.
• 8:22
  So I could cheat and not feel anything like I'm not a bad
• 8:25
  person. I didn't cheat at home.
• 8:26
  You see how crazy? You see how crazy that it is?
• 8:29
  That's the wild mindset of a narcissistic person.
• 8:32
  Y'all if y'all see me keep looking down, actually start
• 8:33
  writing stuff down, y'all. So I write points down so I can
• 8:37
  get so I can keep it going. All right, So I got like what
• 8:39
  the hell you looking down for? I write stuff down so I can stay
• 8:42
  on track. People been complaining like
• 8:43
  Levy bounced around everywhere. Y'all used to like my bouncing
• 8:46
  around everywhere. I'm doing it right now.
• 8:48
  Y'all used to like my rant bubbles.
• 8:49
  What happened to y'all? Did I go into a other room?
• 8:53
  Y'all forgot about my rant bubbles.
• 8:56
  You can't see two things at once.
• 8:59
  You can't have a good video and a rant bubble.
• 9:01
  Am IA bad person. You don't have object constantly
• 9:10
  now I love y'all. I really really I really do man.
• 9:15
  I get goofy sometimes. Y'all know I have y'all.
• 9:18
  But OK, that's the topic. A lot of people do ask me as
• 9:24
  well. Y'all like Lee, do you do
• 9:27
  Narcissus ever miss you? Do you miss me?
• 9:30
  Like most times they miss what they got from you, right?
• 9:34
  They miss the service you provided, the supply you
• 9:36
  provided, the image you provided.
• 9:38
  They missed that, right? I'm not saying that they can't
• 9:39
  miss anything else about you. They couldn't miss the good
• 9:41
  times, right? But most times in a true
• 9:44
  narcissist mind, they miss what you did for them.
• 9:46
  Matter of fact, you can do it. You can do a, you can test this
• 9:49
  theory. All right, now you can go ask
• 9:51
  your if you've ever asked your narcissistic partner what they
• 9:54
  love about you. What was their response?
• 9:56
  What was their response? Typically, if you ask them what
• 9:59
  they love about you, they respond with something that
• 10:01
  benefits them. It's very rarely directly about
• 10:03
  you. It's a quality of yours that
• 10:05
  benefits them. Same thing about missing you.
• 10:07
  What did you miss about me? Oh, I missed what you did.
• 10:09
  I missed the booty. I missed the cheeks.
• 10:11
  I missed that voluptuous them lips.
• 10:14
  You see what I'm saying? It's absolutely that type of
• 10:16
  stuff right there. You mean that's the mind?
• 10:20
  That literally is the mindset right there.
• 10:22
  So they might, they might miss what you did for them.
• 10:25
  They might miss what you provided for them.
• 10:27
  Like narcissistic people. Some of them might absolutely,
• 10:30
  absolutely actually miss your essence, miss your soul.
• 10:32
  But most don't. Y'all, let's keep it real.
• 10:34
  Most don't miss your soul. Most don't miss your unique
• 10:37
  personality. They don't miss your quirkiness.
• 10:40
  They miss what they got from you, right?
• 10:43
  This is why, you see, This is why it seems like narcissists
• 10:45
  can jump from relationship to relationship so fast because
• 10:48
  they feel like they whatever they they are not getting from
• 10:50
  you, they feel like they need to get it from somebody else.
• 10:53
  I can't live without validation. I can't live without supply or
• 10:56
  admiration. I have to get it from someone
• 10:58
  else. So This is why you get a lot of
• 10:59
  narcissists that move on fast because they're trying to get
• 11:02
  their their needs met. Whatever, whatever they miss
• 11:04
  about you, they try to get with somebody else, right?
• 11:07
  That's why they replace. Remember the hammer analogy?
• 11:11
  This is why they had to replace the hammer so fast.
• 11:12
  I can't keep building my house with no hammer.
• 11:14
  I'm gonna use my bare hands. What am I, caveman?
• 11:18
  This is what like the truth is y'all most narcissistic people
• 11:23
  are empty and they use you for validation.
• 11:26
  They use you to fill them up, right?
• 11:28
  They use you to make sure that they know that they mattered and
• 11:31
  whatnot. We can't value you because
• 11:34
  typically narcissist is very difficult for a narcissist to
• 11:36
  value you because they don't value themselves like we don't
• 11:40
  value ourselves. So how can we value somebody
• 11:41
  else and whatnot, y'all. So the truth shall the truth
• 11:47
  shall set you free. You mattered right?
• 11:53
  You probably would be the only reason that that person's life
• 11:56
  stayed together for so long, right?
• 11:58
  You probably kept that person from bleeding out.
• 12:00
  You probably kept that person from hemorrhaging money.
• 12:02
  You probably kept them from being homeless or whatever the
• 12:04
  case may be right? You probably kept them from to
• 12:06
  get self harm or whatever the case may be, right?
• 12:09
  It's the fact that they can't appreciate it that's the
• 12:12
  problem. They might seem like they
• 12:14
  appreciate it in the moment, but sooner or later they don't
• 12:17
  appreciate it anymore. They feel like it's they're,
• 12:19
  they feel like they're entitled to it.
• 12:20
  The appreciation goes to entitlement.
• 12:23
  They feel like they're entitled to your time, entitled to your
• 12:25
  space, entitled to your body, your booty, your money, whatever
• 12:28
  it is, right? They feel like they're entitled
• 12:29
  to that so they're no longer have to work hard for it.
• 12:32
  So you did matter, but it's their problem not yours.
• 12:35
  So many people take it personally when they move when
• 12:36
  they see the narcissist, stuff like that.
• 12:38
  You watch my video about paint shopping.
• 12:39
  So many some of you ever have paint shop right?
• 12:42
  And this what ends up happening right there y'all.
• 12:44
  So stop asking yourself if you matter to a person who doesn't
• 12:47
  even know what mattering means. Y'all start asking yourself if
• 12:52
  you matter to you because that's the most important part right
• 12:54
  there. That's how you heal.
• 12:55
  That's how you grow. You matter to you more than you
• 12:58
  matter than you think you matter to them.
• 13:00
  And what just happens, y'all? You have to value yourself.
• 13:02
  Valuing yourself does not make you a narcissist.
• 13:05
  I know I say that people like this doesn't make me a
• 13:07
  narcissist. Like no, no, don't make you a
• 13:09
  narcissist. Like you're not a narcissist or
• 13:13
  are you now? Seriously man, I appreciate
• 13:17
  every single one of y'all. Again, my one on ones are still
• 13:19
  available over zoom. I've helped thousands of people
• 13:21
  with my one on ones. Y'all you want to take one?
• 13:23
  You want to chat try one-on-one. Make sure you check the link in
• 13:25
  the bio mental illness.net. You can enter the code.
• 13:27
  I think healing for a discount on the one-on-one y'all healing
• 13:31
  for a discount on the one-on-one or I do zooms, I do phone calls
• 13:34
  and I also do personal breakdown videos as well.
• 13:36
  Y'all hit the subscribe button if you if you haven't already,
• 13:39
  leave your thoughts in the comment section and I'm out.
• 13:42
  Peace.