Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Different Goals, Same Child/ Parents vs. Special Ed Teachers 🤣

Transcript

Different Goals, Same Child/ Parents vs. Special Ed Teachers 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: So happy to be here, man.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: I love comedy so much.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Only thing I like more uh is serial killer documentaries.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anybody else hell yeah, and they try to say white people don't have culture.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we do, dog.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's white people shit.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's serial killing.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we're doing.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Don't pull back white it's not positive, but it's true.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying, y'all better hope and pray they do not give us a white history month.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because if they do, it'll be about 31 days of some pretty specific murders.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I said 31 days because I recognize my privilege and know if white people get a month, we're taking a good one.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm sorry, yeah, white people get five Thursdays.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, I don't make the rules, I just benefit pretty heavily from them.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I gotta talk about it, man.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: I uh only people that ever get upset about that joke are middle-aged white women.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Every now and then they will come up after a show and they say the same thing.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: After I do that joke, they'll just come up and be like, um, actually, that is not white culture.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're the type of insane white person that is so insecure in your whiteness that you can't handle a punchline, that might imply that maybe a small percentage of what Caucasians are bringing to the table culturally is serial killing.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh how about you fucking go home and you turn on Netflix and you do a little independent research.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: How about that?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, how about you watch any of those documentaries and you come to my show tomorrow night and try to look me in the eyes and tell me every last one of those dudes doesn't look exactly like me.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Every single one, every one of those bad every dude.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Dahmer came out, almost threw my glasses away.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was like Dahmer dropped, and I was like, I need contacts now.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, how dare you sell me racist cannibal glasses?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: How could you?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: I can't pull off racist and cannibal.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Best that is an either-or situation.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do both of those things, man.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: I like all types of true crime.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: I like true crime podcasts.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I feel like every person that listens to that, we listen to them the same way.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my opinion on the killer does change the moment they reveal whether or not that killer is a man or a woman.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um every time the killer's a man and he kills two women, I'm like, oh my god, what a monster.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: How could he ever do that?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then every time the killer's a woman and she has killed about 3,000 of her ex-boyfriends, um, all of us in unison are just like, oh my god, what do you think those guys did to her?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what do you what do you guys think Trisha's perfectly logical explanation is for murdering every man that ever finished inside of her?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think it is?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: And the podcast is like, she said that they never texted back, and my girlfriend's like, get him, bitch! And I'm like, all right, let's calm down.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Why are we rooting for the killers?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like that.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I was reading like a true crime article in the paper about this prostitute that stopped a serial killer.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Crazy story.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: This dude had killed 15 women.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: He invites a prostitute into his car, he pulls a gun on her, she hits him in the throat, takes the gun, holds him at gunpoint until the cops show up.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Cops find two other dead women in the trunk of his car, okay?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: This lady's a badass.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: This lady's a hero.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: We don't even know how many other young ladies this amazing woman saved, right?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And the newspaper didn't give a shit about that at all because they took all that information in and they still titled the article Hooker Halt Homicides.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies, I got no idea what you gotta do to not be called a whore in the newspaper.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: I got.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: That lady could have cured cancer, and the New York Times would have been like, slut saves everybody.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, give it up for Susan G.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Blowman.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Good for.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because every dude in here knows if it had been a male prostitute, they'd have ran a 12-page spread that was just like, well-hung young businessman.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Does it again?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: You can catch him and his fat dick on Shark Tank Thursday.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: When he was teamed, man.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: We're getting through the, we're getting like, we're past the pandemic, man.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're at the point uh after the pandemic where you start looking at the positives of it.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I do believe that the pandemic is the greatest time in human history for someone to come out of the closet to their parents as long as their parents are hardcore conspiracy theorists, okay?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'll walk you through it.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I'm not gonna leave you hanging.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Think about that logic.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: If you're queer and your parents are conspiracy theorists, you're terrified of telling those two assholes who you are your entire life.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then one day, thanks to a pandemic and Pfizer, you can just get a vaccine and be like, oh no, it does turn you gay.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-oh, mom and dad.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Looks like you and Alex Jones were right on this one.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Looks like we got a sassy queen in the militia.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Bang, bang, bang! Uh uh, I I used to teach, I did not do that at all anymore.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: I used to teach at a school for autism.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: I work with kids on the spectrum every day for four years.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: I only tell y'all that because I do want it to be evidently clear that no matter how little you laugh at this, uh, I'm an infinitely better person than you.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um it is not fucking close, brother.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: There's no moral high ground when you're watching me do stand-up, alright?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So you might as well have a have a good time.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't quit because the kids.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: I love the kids.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: I quit because I was teaching at the peak of them trying to give me a gun.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anybody else remembers that political shit.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, oh, I don't know if that hit New York City, but in the rest of the country, half of people were coming into my classroom seeing me wearing a duck t-shirt, and we're like, fuck yeah, Winston looks like he's ready to save the day, I guess.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, they thought giving teachers guns would stop active shootings.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's what they wanted.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's insane.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Think about what you were asking a teacher to do when you give them a gun.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're asking me to stop and act.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're asking me to stand up during a crisis situation.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Grab my free gun.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Load my free gun.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: With bullets I brought from home, it was not in the budget.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um they're not paying for dry race markers.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: You think they're covering bullets?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: No universe.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, if you want, dude, they thought that would like have teachers step up during a cr- No, hell no.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you want a teacher to stop an active shooter, give them something that'll motivate them.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, if you'd have given me a gun, I'd have never stopped one.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: But my tune would have been a little different.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: If as a teacher instead of a gun, you'd have been like, hey, Winston, you stop this next shooting?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: We'll give you six million dollars.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Six million, oh my god, do you know how many bullets I would take?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: For six million dollars, dude, I won't just jump in front of the kids, I'll dive in front of a smart board.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: No!
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Almost like, don't hit the TV, next week is planet Earth.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, the only problem you run into is you start paying teachers to stop active shooters, is you get broke ass teachers like me that see that as a financial opportunity, and I just start going up to the weird kids like David was talking shit yesterday.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, maybe you want to come in here tomorrow and change both of our lives.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, buddy, we're both going in the paper.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: I have always been anti-giving teachers guns, even before I was teaching.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't make any sense.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Have you guys ever had the same political opinion as somebody, but then you heard their reasoning for having that opinion and it made you want to fucking vote differently?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I was Facebook friends with this other teacher that didn't want a gun, and her Facebook post was like, I've been teaching for 47 years, and you should never give a teacher a gun.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because some days at work.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You get so frustrated.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: You might turn that gun on a child, and I was like, Jesus Christ, Margaret.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: That is a hot take to have an English class.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I worked with what most people in the teaching industry uh uh consider the most difficult community of student to work with.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: I did it every day for four years, making barely minimum wage, okay?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: And not once did it ever cross my mind to kill a child.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: But I did think about killing myself every day, every single day.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can guarantee you two things if they start giving teachers guns.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: One, teacher suicide through the roof.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, that's just gonna happen.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Then two, fucking parent-teacher conferences are gonna hit a little different.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, dude.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be amazing, man.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: I can't there'll be a lot of parents coming in with complaints, and those complaints are gonna turn into a sheets gift card pretty fucking quick, I tell you.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: I tell you that, my dude.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I can't wait, dude.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I can't wait.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: I would I would probably combine my suicide with a parent teacher conference, if I'm being honest with you.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's the type of teacher that I am, man.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I would just be sitting there cleaning my gun like an old timey sheriff with my feet up on the desk.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just waiting for those helicopter parents to come in, those parents that never accept responsibility, waiting for them to come in and say the same shit they always say, where they're just like, it's not Timmy's fault.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: He's failing math right now.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's not Timmy's fault.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: You're not giving him the tools he needs to succeed.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's not Timmy's fault.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: You're a terrible teacher.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: And that's when I take my free gun and I wrap my lips around that barrel, and I'll blow my goddamn brains out all over whatever decorative poster I paid for, brother.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Just so those two assholes, for once in their miserable life, would have to look at my dead body and be like, fuck, that was Timmy's fault.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh that was Timmy's fault, man.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, man.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I uh here's the deal, man.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna close out.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: I I I talk about guns.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: I know the vibe when someone looks like me and talks like me and they start talking uh about guns.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: I might make people uncomfortable.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: I got a different background than y'all.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not a crazy gun person.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm from the rural south.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I've raised around guns, I've shot guns.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's not everyone's experience.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Before I do this last joke, I do need to know, because I want you to be comfortable, is there anyone in here that has never shot a gun before?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Has anyone never shot a gun before?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: You've never shot a gun before.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Brad, could you get my backpack real quick?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Is there any I would, I would, I would never ammo is so expensive.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I uh I would never joke.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: We have a gun control problem in this country.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's a fact.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a Second Amendment dude, but we got a gun control issue, alright?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the deal.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: My family, hardcore, right wing, never taking their guns.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: My friends, liberals, pussies, they're not gonna take them, alright?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: They're not.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: I want gun control.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the deal, man.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Petitions don't work.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Protesting doesn't work at all.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody called my mom a piece of shit in 2016 after they found out who she voted for.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, newsflash, that was counterproductive.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: She bought three more guns that year, all right?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because she had to protect herself from your ideas.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I have come up with a way that I think I can get both sides to agree on gun control.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think I have come up with the only way.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the deal.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a liberal or you're a progressive, or you're just someone out there that thinks that we have a gun issue in this country, the next time you see a gun, don't complain about it.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Buy it.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Buy every fucking gun.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Liberals, buy it, buy every fucking gun.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: You see, if you're a lesbian, I fucking know you have a Subaru, put it on the roof rack, alright?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Ride around New York City like you're mad, Maxine.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I had a really liberal friend be like, Winston, how is us buying guns gonna make your family give up theirs?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: I could tell you right now, from first hand experience, the only thing that would ever change my Uncle Charlie's opinion on the Second Amendment is if the next time he went to the gun range, he had to wait nine hours in line behind 700 non-binary communists, alright?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's it, dude.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: He's gonna show up, see a sea of purple hair, and be like, I no longer think everyone should have access.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think we should focus on mental health care.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of women crying today.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be honest though, dude, he would show up and try to make friends.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: He would try to make sure that if you bought a gun that first day, that nine hours in line, he would try to make sure that you knew you had a friend in the gun community.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, he'd be going up to people and saying cute ass southern shit.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: He'd be going up to him and being like, hey, hey, I was just wondering what made you decide to pick the AR-15 today.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I think all it would take is an annoying ass liberal to look my Uncle Charlie in the eyes and be like, oh my god, I didn't pick it.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: It picked me.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a Gemini.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: And he's gonna be like, I don't think they should have guns.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: They should never have guns.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I get to be like, holy fuck, Uncle Charlie, you said they.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Good job on the fucking pronoun, brother.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Good night, everybody.