Latest / The Kevin Stone Podcast / Episode #20 "A Possum-As A Pet?"

Transcript

Episode #20 "A Possum-As A Pet?" · The Kevin Stone Podcast

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  Speaker 1: The content of this program is for entertainment purposes only,
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  Speaker 1: mainly the entertainment of the program creator. If at any
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  Speaker 1: time you find any of this program to be offensive,
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  Speaker 1: you should immediately rewind the program to the beginning and
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  Speaker 1: listen to it again. The sarcasm presented by the content
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  Speaker 1: creator is so accurate it is illegal in 14 states.
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  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Kevin Stone Podcast, broadcasting to
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  Speaker 1: you from an unknown location.
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  Speaker 2: Customized listening. Let's begin by cleaning those ears. Who am I?
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  Speaker 2: I'm a nobody. I just happen to have a camera
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  Speaker 2: and a microphone and an internet connection, which makes me
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  Speaker 2: a superstar. There's vulnerable, there's vulnerable, there's vulnerable, there's vulnerable.
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  Speaker 2: Spit it out! I have beef enchiladas in the oven. What? Yes.
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  Speaker 2: And you made them or are they frozen? Um, well
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  Speaker 2: they won't be frozen in about 35 minutes. Ha ha
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  Speaker 2: ha ha ha ha ha. Somebody told me something today
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  Speaker 2: that's caused me to question everything I thought I knew
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  Speaker 2: about Arkansas. They said, I got a possum yesterday. Now,
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  Speaker 2: being from Arkansas, I naturally assumed they meant they hit
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  Speaker 2: one with their car, because that's usually how that sentence works.
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  Speaker 2: I got a deer yesterday. Okay, you went hunting. I
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  Speaker 2: got a possum yesterday. Sorry about your bumper. So being
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  Speaker 2: the mature, compassionate adult that I am, I immediately made
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  Speaker 2: a sarcastic comment. I said something along the lines of, what,
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  Speaker 2: do people still eat those things around here? And that's
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  Speaker 2: when this person looked at me like I was the
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  Speaker 2: idiot and said, no, I got it as a pet.
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  Speaker 2: A pet? A possum? Ladies and gentlemen, I've spent a
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  Speaker 2: considerable portion of my life defending the reputation of the
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  Speaker 2: state of Arkansas. And apparently, Arkansas is not nearly as
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  Speaker 2: committed to this effort as I am. I'm Kevin Stone.
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  Speaker 2: This is the Kevin Stone Podcast. Don't go anywhere, because
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  Speaker 2: today we're talking about possums as pets. Did you know
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  Speaker 2: that if you become a paid subscriber to this podcast,
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  Speaker 2: you'll get a commercial-free experience and exclusive content that nobody
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  Speaker 2: else gets? Okay, now here is why this hit me
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  Speaker 2: the way it did. I served in the Army. I
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  Speaker 2: traveled outside Arkansas. I've been outside the United States. And
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  Speaker 2: when people find out you're from Arkansas, sometimes you get
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  Speaker 2: the jokes. You know the stereotypes. We're all barefoot. We
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  Speaker 2: don't have electricity. Everybody lives halfway up a mountain. Our
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  Speaker 2: family tree doesn't have enough branches. I've heard them all.
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  Speaker 2: And I've defended Arkansas. Hey, we're not like... that. There
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  Speaker 2: are intelligent, normal people in Arkansas. We have cities. We
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  Speaker 2: have universities. We have indoor plumbing. I've been out there
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  Speaker 2: doing public relations for this state for free. And then
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  Speaker 2: I come home and somebody says, Hey, Kevin, I got
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  Speaker 2: me a possum. Oh, did you hit it? Nope, it's
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  Speaker 2: in the house. Come on, Arkansas. I'm trying to help us.
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  Speaker 2: You got to meet me halfway here. So naturally, I
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  Speaker 2: had Charlie do some research because I thought surely this
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  Speaker 2: person's like out there. Dogs are pets. Cats are pets. Birds? Sure. Fish? Absolutely. Hamster? Fine.
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  Speaker 2: Guinea pig? Okay. Ferret? I'm personally starting to have questions,
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  Speaker 2: but society has apparently approved it, so I'll let it go.
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  Speaker 2: But a possum? That's not a pet. That's the animal
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  Speaker 2: I see waddling across the backyard at two o'clock in
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  Speaker 2: the morning like he's three days late on his taxes.
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  Speaker 2: But here's where Charlie ruined my entire argument. Apparently, this
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  Speaker 2: actually is a thing. And even worse, Arkansas has rules
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  Speaker 2: for it. The Arkansas Game and Fish Commission specifically says
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  Speaker 2: that native wildlife taken by hand from the wild can,
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  Speaker 2: under its regulations, be kept as a pet. And the
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  Speaker 2: list specifically includes opossums. In fact, up to six animals
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  Speaker 2: from a list, including opossums, Opossums, rabbits, raccoons, and squirrels
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  Speaker 2: can be kept per household when taken by hand from
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  Speaker 2: the wild. 6. Charlie, why would I need six opossums?
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  Speaker 2: At what point does having six opossums stop being pet
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  Speaker 2: ownership and become a management position? One possum is, this
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  Speaker 2: is Earl. Six possums is, welcome to Earl's Possum Ranch.
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  Speaker 2: Breakfast is at seven. Now there are rules. They have
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  Speaker 2: to be properly confined. There are restrictions on transferring them, reproduction,
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  Speaker 2: and other matters. And local laws can apply as well.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm not giving anybody legal advice here. I'm just
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  Speaker 2: stunned that somebody at the Arkansas Game and Fish apparently
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  Speaker 2: had to sit down at a desk one day and
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  Speaker 2: write regulations that essentially answer the question, Kevin wants to
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  Speaker 2: know how many possums can he have? And the answer
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  Speaker 2: wasn't Now, before somebody starts typing an angry letter, I'm
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  Speaker 2: not saying possums are bad animals. Actually, after reading about them,
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  Speaker 2: they're pretty interesting little creatures. And technically, the animal we're
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  Speaker 2: talking about is the Virginia possum. Opossum is the proper name.
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  Speaker 2: Around Arkansas, it's a possum. I'm not putting a tuxedo
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  Speaker 2: on every time I mention a thing. Virginia opossums are nocturnal.
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  Speaker 2: They're omnivores. They'll eat insects, fruit, small animals, and all
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  Speaker 2: kinds of other stuff depending on what's available. They're basically
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  Speaker 2: nature's guy who opens their refrigerator at midnight and says, Eugh,
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  Speaker 2: that'll work. They're generally solitary animals, and they're pretty adaptable
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  Speaker 2: to living around human development. And despite that mouthful of
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  Speaker 2: teeth they show you when they're scared... The possums generally
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  Speaker 2: aren't roaming Arkansas looking for somebody to fight. Wildlife organizations
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  Speaker 2: describe them as generally docile animals that would rather avoid confrontation.
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  Speaker 2: If you see one wandering through your yard at night,
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  Speaker 2: you don't have to declare war. He's probably just passing through.
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  Speaker 2: Let the little guy conduct his possum business. Here's where
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  Speaker 2: I think it gets interesting. Just because you can keep
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  Speaker 2: an animal, does that mean that you should? The Opossum
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  Speaker 2: Society of the United States, which is, by the way,
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  Speaker 2: an organization I didn't know existed until today, specifically says
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  Speaker 2: it does not encourage keeping possums as pets. Their position
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  Speaker 2: is pretty straightforward. They're wild animals, and wild animals belong
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  Speaker 2: in the wild. That makes sense to me, because we've
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  Speaker 2: spent thousands of years domesticating dogs. My dog looks at
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  Speaker 2: me and thinks, that guy has food. I love that guy.
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  Speaker 2: A possum looks at me and thinks, I wonder if
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  Speaker 2: I can get behind his refrigerator. There's a difference. And
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  Speaker 2: that's the question I started thinking about. What exactly makes
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  Speaker 2: an animal a pet? We've accepted some strange animals. Dogs
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  Speaker 2: and cats, obviously. People have snakes, lizards, ferrets, tarantulas, parrots.
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  Speaker 2: People keep pigs. People keep goats. Some people keep ducks,
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  Speaker 2: but I'm boggled by the fact that if I had
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  Speaker 2: a duck, I'd have to name him Howard. But nope,
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  Speaker 2: sometimes people call him La Hair Rahee, a duck named Larry.
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  Speaker 2: I don't get it. Somebody somewhere probably has something living
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  Speaker 2: in their house right now that would cause me to
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  Speaker 2: immediately turn around and leave. But I think there's a
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  Speaker 2: distinction between this animal can live around humans, and this
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  Speaker 2: animal should be living in my living room. Those aren't
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  Speaker 2: necessarily the same thing. A raccoon can live around humans.
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  Speaker 2: That doesn't mean I want one sitting beside me watching television.
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  Speaker 2: Although I will admit, a raccoon already looks like he's
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  Speaker 2: wearing a burglar mask, so at least he's honest about
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  Speaker 2: his intentions. There's another serious part to this. Wildlife specialists
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  Speaker 2: warn that caring for a possum properly isn't as simple
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  Speaker 2: as bringing one inside and putting some cat food in
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  Speaker 2: a bowl. Nutrition matters. Young possums in particular can develop
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  Speaker 2: serious health problems if they're fed an improper diet. They
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  Speaker 2: have different nutritional needs than dogs or cats. And wild
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  Speaker 2: animals don't necessarily communicate illness or discomfort to us the
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  Speaker 2: way an animal that's been domesticated for generations might. So
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  Speaker 2: there's a big difference between I rescued an injured animal
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  Speaker 2: and contacted somebody who knows how to rehabilitate wildlife and
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  Speaker 2: look what I found beside the shed. I'm naming him Carl.
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  Speaker 2: These are not the same situations. Arkansas actually has a
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  Speaker 2: separate wildlife rehabilitation system for people caring for injured, sick,
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  Speaker 2: or orphaned wildlife. That's a legitimate job requiring knowledge, standards,
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  Speaker 2: and responsibility. There's also one possum fact that gets repeated constantly.
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  Speaker 2: Possums can't get rabies. That's not exactly true. Rabies in
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  Speaker 2: possums appear to be quite rare, but rare doesn't mean impossible.
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  Speaker 2: Leave wildlife alone. If an animal appears sick or injured,
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  Speaker 2: contact somebody qualified to deal with it. Because nothing ruins
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  Speaker 2: your Tuesday faster than explaining at the emergency room, well,
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  Speaker 2: I was trying to hug a possum. After making fun
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  Speaker 2: of this animal for most of the episode, I should
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  Speaker 2: probably defend the possum a little bit. They're actually useful
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  Speaker 2: animals to have around. They eat a wide variety of
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  Speaker 2: things we generally don't particularly want around our houses and gardens.
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  Speaker 2: And they're one of those animals people tend to judge
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  Speaker 2: almost entirely by appearance. But let's be fair. The possum
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  Speaker 2: didn't choose that face. He just looks permanently surprised. Every
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  Speaker 2: possum looks like somebody just told him his debit card
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  Speaker 2: was declined. And when they're threatened, of course, they're famous
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  Speaker 2: for playing possum. Going limp and appearing dead. Which is
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  Speaker 2: honestly a pretty impressive conflict resolution strategy. I've dealt with
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  Speaker 2: people where I wish they could do that. Kevin, can
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  Speaker 2: we talk about thump?
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  Speaker 1: Nope.
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  Speaker 2: Possum mode. Try again tomorrow. The more I looked into this,
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  Speaker 2: the more I realized something. Maybe this really isn't about Arkansas.
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  Speaker 2: People keep unusual pets all over the country. Arkansas just
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  Speaker 2: happens to be a place where you're more likely to
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  Speaker 2: actually encounter some of these animals. And maybe the stereotype
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  Speaker 2: itself deserves a little pushback. Because living in Arkansas doesn't
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  Speaker 2: make somebody stupid. Living in a rural area doesn't make
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  Speaker 2: somebody ignorant. Knowing how to hunt, fish, farm, work on things,
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  Speaker 2: raise animals, or live outside a city doesn't make somebody backward.
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  Speaker 2: There's a lot about Arkansas that I'm proud of. And
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  Speaker 2: I'll continue defending my home state. I love Arkansas. But Arkansas,
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  Speaker 2: you make this job unnecessarily difficult sometimes. I'm out there
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  Speaker 2: telling the world we are normal people, and somebody behind
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  Speaker 2: me is walking up with a possum on a leash.
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  Speaker 2: Help me out here. All joking aside, here's where I
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  Speaker 2: landed on this one. Possums aren't bad animals. They're interesting
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  Speaker 2: native wildlife. They're generally better neighbors than people give them
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  Speaker 2: credit for, and there's no reason to hurt one simply
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  Speaker 2: because it wanders through your backyard. But personally, I'm going
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  Speaker 2: with this philosophy. Wildlife can just be wildlife. I don't
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  Speaker 2: have to bring everything into the house. I can appreciate
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  Speaker 2: a possum from across the yard. He can live his life.
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  Speaker 2: I'll live mine. We can nod respectfully at each other
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  Speaker 2: at 2 o'clock in the morning and continue in opposite directions.
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  Speaker 2: And if you have a pet possum, I'm not judging you. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: I'm judging you a little, but if you love it,
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  Speaker 2: take proper care of it. And if you're following Arkansas law,
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  Speaker 2: which you do, right, just understand something. The next time
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  Speaker 2: somebody from another state makes an Arkansas joke, I'm giving
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  Speaker 2: them your phone number. I'm Kevin Stone, and that's what's
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  Speaker 2: rattling around in my head today. And Charlie, please check
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  Speaker 2: the studio before we leave, because if there's a possum
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  Speaker 2: under this desk, it's your pet. This concludes our broadcast day.
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  Speaker 2: Good night, and God bless America.