Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Why You Should Date Older Men | Jackie Fabulous | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Why You Should Date Older Men | Jackie Fabulous | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Last time I was here, or last time I did this wonderful show, I was uh I was married.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: And uh my husband is dead.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: To me.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: He's dead to me.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: So fucking dead to me.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm go I'm going through my second divorce, two failed marriages.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: I am killing the game.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm fucking expert at this.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: But it makes me think about things about my future now.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what am I gonna be like when I decide to maybe date again?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Not, it's gonna be like years, because I hate men, as you can imagine, right now.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: So much so I had an Uber driver tell me I was pretty.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: And my response to him was, I don't want to see your dick.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't talk the rest of the ride.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: He was right.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: So here's who I am as a woman when I date.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Whether I am a hitter to quit it, a fling, a girlfriend, or a wife, I am fantastic to men.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Men love me.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: I blow you without you having to ask.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I know how to cook.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I make you feel like men.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: I have respect.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm nice, I'm supportive, and clearly that is not working.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: So, you guys have fucked up the nice bitch.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: She is gone, she is dead.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: You don't deserve the nice woman anymore.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I've tried for a long time to be what you guys need, and you're fucking horrible.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: When I get back out there dating, I am going to be an angry bitch.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I can't wait.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: I can't wait.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I have rules now, different kinds of rules.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you're a man, I don't believe men 30 years old and up should be allowed to play full court anything.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sick of this shit.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: You're not the Lakers, they're not gonna call you.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: The Knicks don't want you.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: You take it too seriously.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: If I are you wearing full breakaway pants?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you have the full uniform?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: If I if I hear one more torn ACL story from a man, I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Every man has a torn ACL story or an Achilles problem or a meniscus disc, whatever the fuck.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't text me back in a timely fashion, gentlemen, different this time.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm threatening your mother, I'm finding your kid at school.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Who's gonna be a different situation?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm puncturing tires, it's gonna be a different girl out there.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And who am I gonna date when I'm ready?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I had a birthday recently, I turned 54.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm older than I might look, you know.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Clap!
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: I do not, I don't, I don't attract men who are fully developed human beings.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's the problem.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: I had a boyfriend one time, he made me give him a blowjob so that I could use the remote control.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I need to find more mature men.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because men my age do not hit on me.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: They never do.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: The 50s guy, the distinguished gentleman with the silk robe and the ascot, and he has the pipe and he has the cabin in the woods.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I thought I was gonna get, but that's not what I get.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know who likes me?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Young guys are old as hell.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Young guys, why?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because I have the auntie face, I remind them of their mother, I know how to cook, they fuckers are starving, okay?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: They're very easy to get.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: And young guys don't have many, they don't have many um standards.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: There's no challenge to get them.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Most of them are borderline homeless, they're hungry, they wander in the streets.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: I can get you in my house with a game console.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: There's no challenge getting a young one.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: They're easily impressed.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I have one young guy come over.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, woo-hoo, you got sheets.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: The fuck?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: How old are you?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: They have sheets in jail.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Where the hell do you live?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: And when young guys like you, they do it, they tell you or show you in a weird way.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you get a random dick pic on a Tuesday afternoon with no warning, no lead in.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: You want you online at the bank and oh shit, out of nowhere.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: A young guy sent me his penis, it was 13 inches long.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's what would happen.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Right on time, wasn't that perfect?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: My girlfriend said, You are a big girl, you can handle that.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I said, bitch, I'm not hollow.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Where is it gonna go?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I have the same organs you do.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's no space in here for 13 inches.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because dating is hard.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, here's a fact.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: The the male octopus tears off his arm, which is also his penis, and he puts it inside the female octopus, and then he swims off to die.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that a lot of work to avoid a will I see you again question?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Dating is rough.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now, older guys like me.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Old 65, 70 and up.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: They like me.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Their wives are dead.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: They ain't had a woman since the first bush push an office.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: They have no more experience, but they're still horny.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: And old guys, it can be fun to hang out with.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: I had dinner one time with an older guy.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: He gave me a list of what's wrong with his body at dinner in case we, you know, got busy later on.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: He said, just so you know, I got a knee replacement, I got a hip replacement, I got a bad back, I have arthritis, I have asthma.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: What are we gonna do?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Pray together, sir.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: You're fucking dying.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: You should go to the hospital right now.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: And they're kind of creepy.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: They don't know that they're being creepy.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: I had another old guy, and he was like, you know, I can still.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: I want to call the police.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to have sex.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Weird, sir.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: 54 years old.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Here's what happens when you are over 40.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is what you have to ask yourself when you're running errands.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I have to ask myself at this age, but it's an over 40 thing, I believe.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: When I'm out running errands, you know, marshals, home goods, whatever, I have to ask myself when I get there, can I shit here?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't it important when you get older?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta be able to poop wherever you go.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what do they pump in the vents at Marshalls and Home Goods?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: You ever walk into Marshalls and you see your boots right there?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, oh, look at those, oh shit.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: I need I just left the house.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Why do I have to poop?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's so weird.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: I've never dated outside of my race.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: I need to try other things.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm willing to do what I have to do to attract like a white guy.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: I will do what I have to do.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: I am willing to cook with less seasoning and put raises in the food that shouldn't have any goddamn raisins in them and ask for the manager every time we go to a restaurant.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'll do what I can do to make you guys feel at home.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: I've never had a white man hit on me, ever.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm clearly white friendly, San Diego.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Never had a white guy hit.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I was doing everything right to get a white man.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I watch Seinfeld, I watch Fraser, I listen to Coldplay.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell are you guys like?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how to get some Caucasian cuddling up in here.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to do.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I've made this joke for a while because I'm like, I don't want to have to do this, or maybe I'll enjoy it.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: I used to say for a long time, if I end up back out there dating and I have to do it again, next time around, I am going to eat pussy.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have the energy to get to know anymore.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: My whole life revolving around men.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And we could, women, we could be gay for a semester in college.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody cares.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: We could go on vacation and drive down vagina valley.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody judges.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: But men, once you jump off a cock cliff, you live there.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: You can't come back.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've changed the locks.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Your male ain't here.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Only one dick sucker in my house.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have that kind of confidence.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing this.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: I can tell the old men in the audience by the laugh.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's you and it's you.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's hilarious.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Two dads is having a great what a Friday, whatever day it is.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: I want a man who communicates too.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't, my current husband doesn't talk.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I hated that.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: I need men to tell me what they like and what they don't like.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like example.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, men help me help you.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Help me help you.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you know that a blowjob is not your way to the final frontier, like it's not your thing, can you please tell a bitch?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: We are suffocating down there.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Bobby for Apple, you don't even like it.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: You don't see that vein in our forehead about to pop.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: When I began the blowjob, I had straight hair.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Now I have a curly afro.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know it's humid down there.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be selfish.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because men will just leave you down there to figure it out yourself.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: And you're doing it wrong, you almost draw blood.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: He don't say nothing.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: He's like so happy you're there, like, look at her girl.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: But women, if our man is down there and he's doing it wrong, we will tap that ball spot.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, come up here.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: What are you doing?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: What are you looking for?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because they get down there and they get distracted.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: They want to rummage to what I call the curtains, you know, the skin flaps on the side.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, why are you always over in the flaps?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing on the side.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Get back to the middle.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's two holes in a button.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why you can't remember that.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's why we can't get no sleep.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because if a man likes you, he'll be down there all night.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: You have to tap him out.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's okay.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: We can try again tomorrow.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus Christ.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, I think that's it.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Jackie Fabulous, guys.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.