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Sober Talk SA - Jenny · Sober Talk SA

0:02
Welcome to Sober TALK. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
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Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
0:13
call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
0:19
I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
0:26
I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
0:29
Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
0:31
fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
0:35
with each other that they may solve their common problems and
0:39
help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
0:45
drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
0:48
We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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He is not allied with any sect in omission politics,
0:56
organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
1:00
controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
1:05
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other Alcoholics
1:09
are chiefs of Brady. Hi, my name is Jenny and I'm an
1:12
alcoholic and yes, I joined this the Unity Rooms four years ago
1:19
and I I know that when I'm having a hard time or a hard day
1:23
that I know where to come. This is just being like my
1:27
second family and, and, and especially the the people in
1:31
Adelaide have really, really welcomed me And when I come to
1:34
Adelaide, I feel like I'm at home.
1:36
So about my journey, I. Remember my first drink when I
1:42
was. About me and my cousin, we my
1:45
parents went out and we snuck the alcohol at 14 years of age I
1:49
think and she didn't get sick and, and I remember that clearly
1:54
and I was so sick and I got told off by my my mum and dad and I
1:58
snuck I think it was this. Shruba bits a Krushkova, sort
2:01
of. Sort of a sweet drink.
2:03
It's Croatian and, and, and you drink a lot of that stuff and it
2:07
makes you very ill. It's very, very sweet.
2:09
And very, very strong. And it was homemade and, and,
2:14
and I didn't drink for a long time after that.
2:17
I wasn't your classic story tale.
2:19
We started drinking at 8 years of age or 14 years of age and.
2:24
Purely because I saw my. Dad drink a lot and I didn't
2:27
really like. What I saw.
2:28
You know, I'd come home from school and he'd be, he'd be
2:31
lying on the ground and he'd be very drunk.
2:33
And he wasn't, I mean, he wasn't a violent drunk.
2:36
He was just very irritable and discontented.
2:39
And you know, he'd taken out on us by, you know.
2:42
You wanted to talk to him. He.
2:43
Wasn't present. He wasn't present when he was
2:45
drinking. And you know, for us it was
2:48
pretty normal to even make alcohol.
2:51
We made it in our backyard. We made the strong stuff, the
2:54
grappa and. I I grew.
2:57
Up in a very, you know, as close knit community, Czechoslovakian
3:01
background. And we used to go to the club
3:04
and there everyone drank and it was pretty normal.
3:07
So I didn't understand anything about.
3:09
Alcoholism like. Other people might understand it
3:13
to be. Because it was normal for people
3:16
to drink where I came from and the more you.
3:19
Drank the better, you know, and you know there'd.
3:22
Be kids drinking you. Know underage kids drinking and
3:27
I, I wasn't interested at that stage in it because I, I saw
3:29
what it does did to my dad and I was a bit scared of it so I sort
3:34
of wasn't interested in doing that drinking.
3:37
But I never felt. Now I never felt.
3:39
Quite right in my own skin. I was this Bucky Teeth teenager
3:43
and got picked on at one stage in high school.
3:47
I think it for for six months I got.
3:48
Bullied by the bullied. By the by the in crowd and very
3:56
stuck out, stuck out like a sore thumb.
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Very lanky and skinny and, you know, it wasn't until I turned
4:03
about 17 I sort of come out of my shell and started to look,
4:07
you know, I took my braces off and.
4:08
Started to. You know, become a teenage a
4:13
good looking girl and but I never felt.
4:15
Quite right, I never. Felt like I fitted in anywhere
4:19
to be quite honest. I was always scared, you know?
4:24
Scared I'm always wanted to be accepted, you know, always
4:27
wanted to be accepted and. So I I started.
4:30
Going out with my friends and they all drank and, and, and I
4:34
was this fitness fanatic and I was always a designated driver.
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And then one day one of my friends said, why don't you have
4:40
a drink as well? And, you know, and the thing
4:44
was, you know, I said no, no, no, it's OK, I won't drink.
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But I. I got sick of feeling like I was
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the. Odd one out and.
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Feeling you know. Like I couldn't.
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Feel comfortable going out and talking to people and always
4:58
scared to. To interact, I'm not a very
5:02
good. Communicator.
5:03
I never really have been and. So I thought, OK.
5:07
I'm going to I'm going to have one drink and Endeavour turned
5:11
out to be 1 drink even even in the very beginning stage, you
5:15
know, I was in my early 20s and and I was a one drink.
5:18
Everyone else knew how to stop and I then knew that there was
5:22
something not. Quite right with me.
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Even then in my early 20s, because they were fine and I was
5:28
in the. Toilet throwing up or.
5:30
You know, just it all ended up being very.
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Messy, I mean. Or I'd be sleeping at my
5:35
girlfriend's place and. On the ground because they
5:40
obviously couldn't drive home, couldn't drive.
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Home and so I I'd I'd stay there overnight and and and.
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I never knew when to stop. But the thing was, I could.
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Function I went to work. And I.
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I had a very. Good job.
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I worked in the shipping, in shipping and transport and built
6:02
up a good career and I was able to function, but I I soon turned
6:06
into a very big bean striker because in the transport
6:08
industry. You worked.
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Very hard and then you drank very hard, so we'd go out.
6:14
To, you know, work functions and I'd I'd get absolutely.
6:18
Hammered and you know. And I would.
6:20
Actually be the one that made the pull out of themselves at
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work functions or. You know he knows.
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Where I ended up at by the end of the night and.
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That was pretty much the norm. I mean, I was, I always got
6:34
hammered. I always.
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Yeah, my boy said to me, if arming you could just.
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You know, act normal at a work function.
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And it was just. That when I put one drink in my
6:44
body, I. Couldn't tell you what my
6:46
behaviour was going to be like. But.
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I was a happy. Drunk.
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It wasn't come. Many years down the track and I
6:53
wasn't I didn't, I didn't start off by drinking every single
6:58
day. It wasn't until I ended up
7:02
getting married and and we wanted to start having a family
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and everyone around me was having kids and.
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I couldn't I, I don't know. I just.
7:13
My plan was by 30, I would have two children, I'd be happily
7:19
married. Excuse me.
7:20
And none of that worked out. None of that worked out.
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And I when I started to get wanted to have kids, I, I just.
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Couldn't fall. Pregnant and then when I did
7:29
fall pregnant, I couldn't stay pregnant and I had something
7:32
like 5 miscarriages and I used alcohol.
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I used alcohol for, you know, I needed it.
7:39
I needed alcohol to survive. Sorry, I needed alcohol to
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survive. I fell in such a deep depression
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and I used alcohol on a very on a daily basis and alcohol to
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affect. My work, I drink before I go to
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work just to, you know, because if I didn't I, I, I couldn't
8:00
function. I I started to shake if I didn't
8:03
drink, but then it became that, you know, I was, I was starting
8:10
to become really angry with my supervisor and, and I wasn't.
8:14
Performing the way I should be able to perform because I was
8:19
drinking, I'd go out and. My lunch.
8:21
Break across the road and I'd go to the the pub and I'd and I'd
8:26
and I'd drink and, and I'd come back and, you know, and just to
8:32
function and I'd come back and I wouldn't be the same person.
8:36
I'd become angry and it started to affect my relationships with
8:44
my my partner. He saw a change in my behaviour.
8:48
I started to become lose friends at family gatherings.
8:55
I started to become angry all the time as well.
8:58
I'd become like if you know, I'd start an.
9:00
Argument with people. My demeanor just started to
9:03
change, but I could still at that stage, I could still work.
9:07
And I could still. Function come a couple of years
9:10
down the track and I ended up did have a child.
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And I didn't during that pregnancy, I I didn't drink much
9:17
at all. I was pretty good, but that kid
9:21
was born and as soon as that kid was born, I.
9:23
I thought, oh great, you know I'm not going to.
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You know I can drink now and wasn't going to.
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You know I was. Bottle fed him and I could and I
9:31
could start drinking again and every I used every excuse under
9:36
the. Sun He didn't sleep for two.
9:38
Years he cried so. You know I.
9:43
Needed something to calm. My nerves down.
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And I remember I had my own cleaning business and I used to
9:48
go to people's houses and I used to clean their house and I used.
9:52
To top up the. I drink their wine and I'd top.
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It up with water and. I'm sure that they noticed and
9:59
they didn't say anything because I was such a good cleaner and
10:03
yeah, I'd work and I'd drink at the same time.
10:07
I just, I took alcohol everywhere with me.
10:09
I will thought I. Was a really good mum.
10:11
By. You know, taking my.
10:14
Son out. For a walk.
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And I'd have. A bottle of of.
10:18
Wine underneath the pram and he'd be.
10:21
Playing in the playground, there wasn't anyone in the.
10:23
Playground and I'd be. There, you know, behind.
10:25
The tree having a drink and then coming back and, you know,
10:27
smiling or you know, and and I'm and I.
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Don't say this. Lightly, but you know, there
10:35
were many a times. That I probably shouldn't have
10:38
driven. And I'd had.
10:39
Him in the car. With me and and I'm not.
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Proud of that at. All.
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My husband at one stage said if you put him in the car and you
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and I know you're drinking, I'm going to ring the police on you
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and they will pick you up and they will take.
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Away your. License.
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I can't. Tell you the amount of times.
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That I would. See a a booze bus, which in
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Australia is a but with a. A truck where they check.
11:06
Check your blood alcohol. Limit and I do a.
11:10
Turn the car around and do AU turn, almost hitting a pole with
11:14
my son mind you, in the car to try and avoid that booze bus or
11:18
I'd, you know, after 10:00. At night having a massive
11:23
argument with my partner. Just so I could.
11:25
Find a bottle shop. And doing back, going through
11:30
the back street so I would avoid being picked up by the police.
11:34
And that was life. You know, it was exhausting.
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One day I'd be filling up everybody else's bins or.
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The car would be the. Boot would be full.
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Of bottles. That I'd have to hide from my
11:47
partner because at that, by that stage, she.
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Had cottoned on what was going on and every time we.
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Found the bottle. They'd ever smash it, or he'd
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pour it down the sink. Just so that I wouldn't.
11:58
Drink and you know I was. Becoming very angry.
12:02
And that poor. Child.
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Was starting to get become really scared of me.
12:07
I could see it on his face. And I remember my the days that
12:11
I wasn't working, my partner would say to me.
12:13
Just for today, just please, he'd blind up all.
12:16
The bottles on the on the table, on the bench.
12:18
In the kitchen and this despair in his face and and the shame
12:22
and and I'd. I'd be so hungover the next day
12:25
that I'd just look at him and I'd.
12:26
Think to myself, you know, today will be different.
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I'd say to myself, I'd wake up saying I'm not going to drink
12:34
today. Today is going to be different.
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Today is going to be different than yesterday.
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Even at 3:00 in the morning. I'd say I can't do this anymore.
12:42
I'll today will be different. And you know, he'd go to work
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and I promised him I wouldn't have a drink and he'd go to
12:48
work. I dropped my son off at.
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School and I don't know how, don't even know.
12:54
Ask me how, but the car just went.
12:56
Straight to the bottle shop. Again.
12:58
And I'd be drinking this wine next door in a.
13:01
Toilet block. This was like in a.
13:03
Shopping centre that did not smell.
13:05
Quite great. I mean I don't know what
13:08
detergent they used or but it smelled horrible.
13:11
In there and. When I had that.
13:13
Wine. It was usually white wine that I
13:15
first used to start drinking in the morning and I'd usually buy
13:18
a 20. $5 bottle of wine because. I'd say I'm only going to have
13:21
that one bottle and, and, and, you know, and, but 1:00 in the
13:28
afternoon that bottle was gone and I'd be back at the bottle
13:32
shop buying another bottle. Then I'd pick my.
13:34
Son up from school and I'd try to put a meal.
13:36
Together on the tape on the so that my husband would see a meal
13:40
made. And yeah, that was just a never
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ending. Cycle.
13:43
I felt like I was one of. Those mice on a wheel, you know?
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This constant cycle and and it. That's what they call it, the
13:52
cycle of addiction. And I'd say today is different.
13:55
I'm not going to drink and the my head would say no, knowing
14:01
that it wasn't going to turn out really good because I haven't
14:04
argued with my partner could see he'd say you've been drinking
14:06
again, but I couldn't stop myself.
14:09
I could. Not stop myself because.
14:10
Once I took one. Drink.
14:12
I wanted more. And it got to the point.
14:16
Where like. I wasn't even turning up for to
14:19
take that kid to school. I'd bring up the school and say
14:21
run. What is not well today I wasn't
14:24
being a present parent. I couldn't get up to take him to
14:27
the track. He'd put his like a wet towel on
14:31
my head and he'd say, Mum, are you OK?
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I was hungover and he was 6. And I, I, I wasn't present.
14:38
I couldn't participate in anything in, in any, in any
14:42
duties anymore. I I just.
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I thought to myself, I'm not a good mum.
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I'm, I'm not a Good Wife. You know, I wasn't even present
14:52
for my. Parents, at that stage, I wasn't
14:55
good for anybody. I just thought, God, please just
14:57
take me. You know, I was ready to.
14:59
Die. I was too.
15:01
Scared to cure myself. I, I, I, yeah.
15:04
I don't like blood. I don't like looking at blood.
15:06
I didn't want, but I wanted to. Die and I.
15:08
Was in that in. Between stage.
15:10
Where there was no. Point in living anymore what
15:13
point is there when I was sick I was really, really sick from the
15:19
drinking and I went into. I promised my husband.
15:23
Because he said I've had, I've had enough of this.
15:25
Unless you do something about this disgusting disease of yours
15:29
because he didn't understand about alcoholism, I'm going to
15:32
leave you. I'm going to take that child,
15:33
that child that you cried for six years to have on the you.
15:38
Know I'd be sitting on the steps crying, boring my.
15:40
Eyes out saying why am I? What's wrong with me?
15:43
You know, why am I different to everybody else?
15:45
Why can't I stay pregnant? Why can't I have a baby?
15:48
And he goes, You can't even give up for that child.
15:50
And I couldn't. Seriously, I couldn't give up
15:52
for him. I couldn't give up for anybody.
15:56
I had to do it for myself. I tried.
15:58
AAI remember going to a couple of AA meetings around.
16:01
Where we're living at. The moment and.
16:03
I just thought, Oh my God, these people, they've gone to the jail
16:08
and they've done this and they've done that.
16:09
And and the first meeting I went to was a group of old.
16:12
Men and they were sharing about you know it was an ID meeting
16:15
and so I just thought this is not for me and then that God
16:18
word was on all the banners and my family were Christians and
16:21
they were always saying you know I've only you went to church
16:24
you. You wouldn't drink I.
16:26
Tried church? Didn't work for me that nothing.
16:29
Worked and so I went into rehab. It was terrible.
16:33
I was separated. From my family and.
16:36
The first couple of days I had the.
16:38
Worst headaches and. I mean, even in rehab that the
16:41
therapist said to me. We do groups and.
16:44
He'd say to me you're full of shit.
16:46
And I was. I really, I was just telling
16:48
people what they wanted to. Yeah, I hadn't either.
16:51
Meant I hadn't. Really.
16:52
Still got it. I was sober for 40 days.
16:54
I was really proud of myself and I and I.
16:56
I had. Still not gotten.
16:59
Able to. Finally, hand it over.
17:02
And I relapsed and. I was so ashamed and I that one
17:08
we went away and. Went on and I was in a hotel
17:11
room and I cleaned out the minibar.
17:13
And then I had to go to be. A bridal shop to to fill it up
17:17
again and. My drinking led me to almost
17:20
oblivion because I was drinking day and night at that stage and
17:23
I wasn't showering. I was.
17:25
Supposed to be going. You know, after rehab, I
17:27
promised my husband I'd go to meetings.
17:29
Because I wasn't able to work, I was really lost after rehab.
17:33
I thought sort of didn't have a routine and.
17:37
You know it wasn't until. Six months later.
17:41
And I and I'd. Finally had enough.
17:43
I was sitting in my my closet and.
17:45
I was vomiting and and you know, cleaning up vomit off.
17:48
Carpet isn't great, you know, I was in a.
17:51
Closet which has carpet in it, a walk in cupboard.
17:55
It's a 1980s house we live in and it's got a.
17:57
Walk in cupboard and it's got carpet.
18:00
And I'm, you know, I'm sick and my eyes are bloodshot.
18:04
And I looked up and in the mirror and the saying I can't do
18:08
this anymore, I can't do this. And I really meant it this time.
18:13
I thought this is it enough. And I picked up the.
18:17
Phone the next day. Because I never really.
18:20
Used the telephone for any. Sort of support and I spoke to a
18:23
lady who offered to be my sponsor.
18:26
And I said I would do anything I said.
18:27
I said to her, I'll even eat shit.
18:29
And she goes, You don't have to eat shit, but you.
18:31
Do have to be honest, you do have to be willing to do service
18:37
you, you do and we will start doing going through the steps 1
18:41
to 12 on which are on the banner.
18:43
And and I went started doing some work with her and the
18:47
obsession lifted. And it was miraculous how that I
18:52
mean, it wasn't easy in the first year, but it was a
18:54
miraculous how one day here I am drinking and I couldn't put it
18:58
down and the next, you know, the next day once I started.
19:02
Doing the work with. Her and you know it just.
19:06
I didn't. Want to have another drink and
19:09
and I had thoughts of picking up a.
19:12
Drink in the. First year but then I thought
19:14
about where I ended up and and and life had started.
19:18
Got. To get better and.
19:19
My house has started to get better and I just used to think,
19:23
OK, people are allergic to peanuts and they're anaphylactic
19:26
and they they cannot. This is the way it is with
19:29
alcohol. I cannot have a drink again, I
19:32
know. Where it takes?
19:33
Me, it takes me. Back to hell how?
19:35
I don't want to. Go to it.
19:37
Ever. Again, and I ended up joining
19:40
this online group. When I had.
19:41
My knee operation because my I couldn't get to meetings.
19:44
I couldn't drive. And so my sponsor said to me,
19:47
there's this online meeting and they've been around.
19:49
This is before. Zoom for a very long time and I
19:52
and I used to go to this online meeting, she said.
19:54
When I was, you know, working. Odd.
19:57
Ships and and so I started coming in and I think when I
20:03
heard was. On I started.
20:05
I heard Leanne she. Was on there and I really liked
20:11
it and then, you know, I offered to help out.
20:15
For one of the nights and then, you know, I.
20:17
Became secretary when Carl wasn't able to take on the role.
20:23
Anymore. And and you know it, just I met
20:26
a wonderful. Group of people who are now I.
20:28
Call, you know my family and I started to.
20:32
Do other service work as well? I I was secretary.
20:36
For a group. And then I became.
20:38
Secretary for another group and then?
20:39
I did the phone lines and I worked.
20:42
In the. Area as a secretary as well and
20:45
and continue to do service and not as.
20:48
Much as I used to do. Because my, I have really been
20:51
sick a lot this last year and, and I and I haven't been able.
20:56
To do as much as I I normally do, but I'm I put my hand up to.
21:00
Do the GSR and. I managed.
21:03
To In the last six years of being sober, I managed to finish
21:06
two courses and I. Always wanted to work.
21:08
In age, care, disabilities, and. To give back.
21:13
And, and I and I got a job last year and I put myself out on the
21:17
limb and, and I'm I'm enjoying it.
21:20
I'm working with the elderly and you know, some days are easier
21:24
than others, but. I love my job and I like I love.
21:28
My life now. You know, there were days where
21:32
I'm going through a hell of a. Lot of anxiety but.
21:34
I can pick up the phone and I can speak to members either.
21:39
You know, directly or message them and.
21:43
And it's a better way to live I. It's it's easier.
21:47
It's it's much easier being able to get up in the morning without
21:51
a headache anymore and. You know, not worry about my
21:54
husband finding the bottles and smashing them and.
21:57
My son being scared of me and you know, he's, he's proud of me
22:01
and he, he goes to a, a meetings.
22:03
I brought my son to meetings when he was little, when he was
22:06
like 6, so that he would know what it's about.
22:09
And he would know what you know, where mum goes and she wouldn't
22:13
even. Understand it because I didn't.
22:15
I didn't. Want him to be scared of it, you
22:17
know? And.
22:19
People were very welcoming. And.
22:22
That's what I like about this fella, that the a a fellowship
22:25
is that people are welcoming off kids.
22:28
And, you know, newcomers. We love newcomers in.
22:31
The group that I'm in and we have.
22:33
Greeters that greet the newcomers at the door and you
22:38
know, we try to encourage them to, you know, join.
22:41
Join our group or other. Groups and just to become part.
22:45
Of and it's beautiful. What warms my heart is when I
22:49
see somebody. Come through the door.
22:51
And. They're really, you know.
22:54
Struggling and there's no. Hope it left in them and then
22:59
you see them a year down the track and then two years down
23:03
the track and they're. Smiling and they're laughing and
23:06
they're not drinking and they're enjoying life and that's what.
23:10
It's all. About I know now that I can
23:14
never drink again and I'm fine with that.
23:16
I'm fine with that and I don't ever want to drink again because
23:22
I know where it takes you, it takes you to hell and back.
23:24
And as long as I don't pick up that first drink, I know I'll be
23:28
fine. So thank you everybody.
23:31
A A has more than two million recovering Alcoholics throughout
23:35
the world. In Australia there are about
23:38
18,000 members. They're made in over 2000 local
23:43
meetings spread around the country.
23:46
Meetings range in size from a handful in some areas to
23:51
hundreds or more in larger communities.
23:54
And once again, if anyone you know is stubborn with alcohol
23:58
issues, please call Alcoholics Announcing 1300 Double 22222 or
24:04
visit their website on aa.org dot AU.