Latest / Calm the Chaos with Rich Christiansen / How To Repair Relationship With Adult Daughter Or Son

Transcript

How To Repair Relationship With Adult Daughter Or Son · Calm the Chaos with Rich Christiansen

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, good afternoon.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another edition of Calm the Chaos.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this edition is especially for you, Grandma.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about the old gray haired grandma.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the young, vibrant, amazing grandmother that just got through raising their kids, transitioning maybe into now what do I do next?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, the deep struggle that occurs actually in that transition.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, families are really complicated.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes we do end up having some regrets, and there's a terrible trend that's actually going on.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing how really bad advice is being given by some of the therapy out there.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was up in an event uh in Montana and had a question come from a grandma and grandpa saying, tragically, we kind of blew it and we have several of our kids estranged from us.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they asked me very tenderly, how do we repair this?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: What do we do?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd like to share with you the three pieces of advice that I gave.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And with confidence, I tell you that yes, we can repair those relationships.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So here are the three pieces of advice.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: The number one is say positive things behind their back.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're not able to be in direct communication, always spread positive, nice, really kind things about them behind their back.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I saw how they did that.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's wonderful.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I believe in them so much.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I have so much hope for their future.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: When that leaks back, it's actually more powerful than saying it directly to their face.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so the question then becomes, what happens when they bring negative back?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, double down on that.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's the concept of defending the absent.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: So when a negative comes back, oh dad is blah, blah, blah.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: The appropriate thing isn't to do a blah, blah, blah back.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: The appropriate thing is to, oh, I'm sorry that they feel that way, because I certainly don't feel that way.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: All I do is bless them with love and joy, and that they'll be able to have this wonderful experience in life.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited for their future.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: After two or three times of that, you'll you'll find that some of that negative visceral rope and tension and toxicity actually gets softened and released.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So number one, always say positive things behind their back.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, if you can do it, have a celebration in their behalf.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Making sure that you uh cook their favorite dinner or have their favorite food and honor them.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Find an excuse to honor them in something that they've done in their life.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And make sure you're the first one to raise the glass and do the toast.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: No negative, nothing negative behind the back, all positive.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Even if there's some problems, even if there may be some negative behaviors, make sure that you lift and raise the grass the glass of what they're doing really well.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you're enjoying this episode of Calm the Chaos.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like to receive more tools, frameworks, support, and resources, go to rich Christiansen.com and they're all there available for your free use.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: See, here's the reality.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: We all know when we've screwed up.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: We all know the negative things we've done.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: What most of us don't hear enough is the positive and belief systems behind us.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: So as parents, we're always trying to fix our kids.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the heck that is all about, but it seems like as parents, our number one role is to fix our broken kids.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I think a lot of that's just fixing our own insecurities.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then the magical thing happens when we get to be grandparents.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: We just kind of don't care.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: We just embrace the beautiful little crazy personalities and all the vibrancies, even sometimes when it's kind of destructive.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Have one little grandson that, man, that little that little boy only wants to know two things.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I not supposed to go?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, and number two, how do I get there?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And as grandparents, we just celebrate and delight in all the shenanigans, whereas parents you're always trying to fix it.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So as you're approaching this individual, look at only and bring only the positive equation.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then then number three, and maybe this is the cheat code, you know, I got a lot of things uh kind of wrong as a as a father, but I got this one right.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's whatever my children were doing, I did.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: So if your grown child has great interest in Taylor Swift, memorize all the Taylor Swift songs and listen to them.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And ask input and advice about that.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't force your paradigm of what you want to do on them.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Go to their interests first of all.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: If they're greatly interested in pickleball, go buy a pickleball paddle and let them clonk you on the pickleball court.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: If there's incredible interest in, oh, let's say a a play or uh some art, then take interest in them and let them bring you into their world with curiosity.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't bring yours, go with curiosity into their world, and then a remarkable thing happens when you meet them on their interest and their level.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: They then start wanting to have interest in your level.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And most of the time, parents reverse that.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the three pieces of advice that I gave.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, you know, I gotta tell you, I'm really highly confident that it's gonna have a profound impact.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you why.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've given that same piece of advice to many others that were struggling through the years and been able to watch the magical patient healing that occurs and the bridges and threads that start being built as we we do those simple things.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Again, the ultimate human need is not to be right, it's simply to be seen and heard.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So when we set down the weapons of war of the disagreements and we go to the common ground, magic begins occurring.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's no greater joy than the relationships we have.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I will also make the comment there's no greater complication than those uh relationships that we have within the family.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay to give a little space and calmness in it, but there's no need to lob its head off, throw it in the ditch, and sever it.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's where the greatest growth and the insights even to ourselves occur, and uh, not only the joy, but also the growth and the learning.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I I I hope that uh if any of you are struggling with relationships, those three pieces of advice will help.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I'm I'm really thrilled to be with you and look forward to the next time we can spend a little time together on Calm the Chaos.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Rich Christiansen, and we'll see you on the next episode.