Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #816 Tween Relationships: How Young is Too Young?

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#816 Tween Relationships: How Young is Too Young? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, there is so much research that shows that this
0:13
Speaker 2: is important, and having dad's involvement is super important as well.
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Speaker 2: Having positive role models for your daughter matters an enormous
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Speaker 2: amount in terms of the decisions that she's going to make.
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Speaker 3: And now here's the scars of our show, My Mum
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Speaker 3: and Dad.
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Speaker 1: Hello, this is doctor.
0:29
Speaker 2: Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families dot com dot
0:31
Speaker 2: a U and the pairing experts and co hosts behind
0:35
Speaker 2: the TV show Parental Guidance on Channel nine. That TV show,
0:38
Speaker 2: by the way, is still available on nine now on
0:41
Speaker 2: catch up everywhere I've been traveling lately. I've been all
0:43
Speaker 2: over the country over the last couple of weeks running
0:44
Speaker 2: seminars and presentations and workshops for parents, and people keep
0:49
Speaker 2: on saying love the show, And then everyone else in
0:51
Speaker 2: the room says, can I still see it? And the
0:53
Speaker 2: answer is yes, you can see it on Channel nine
0:56
Speaker 2: nine now on the app on catchup, and it's worth watching.
1:00
Speaker 2: I'm here today with the love with me, love of
1:03
Speaker 2: my life, missus, Happy Families, Kylie Muns with our six children.
1:07
Speaker 3: And Kylie just say I was the love of your life.
1:10
Speaker 2: I tell you that all the time, and I just
1:11
Speaker 2: said it on the podcast. Yes, yes, it just came out.
1:14
Speaker 3: And I picked up a friend the other night and
1:16
Speaker 3: you and I were talking and you said goodbye to me,
1:18
Speaker 3: and you literally said those.
1:19
Speaker 1: Words, did I You did? Okay?
1:21
Speaker 3: And I hung up the phone, and she kind of
1:23
Speaker 3: was quiet for a minute. She said, did he just
1:26
Speaker 3: say that you were the love of his life?
1:28
Speaker 1: Right? And I said, yeah, you just take it for granted,
1:32
Speaker 1: don't you. Yeah?
1:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, what did she say? She didn't know that you're
1:35
Speaker 2: going to mention this. No, she you didn't even tell
1:38
Speaker 2: me this story, So what did she say?
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Speaker 3: She was like, oh, my gosh, that's amazing. That's so beautiful.
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Speaker 3: And then we started having it on the conversation. She said,
1:46
Speaker 3: I'm still stuck back there were your husband said you're
1:48
Speaker 3: in the love of his life.
1:50
Speaker 1: You just take it for granted.
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Speaker 3: I don't take it for granted at all. But it
1:54
Speaker 3: really took her by surprise.
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Speaker 2: Well, my hustle bit sad that you've shared that that
1:59
Speaker 2: somebody would be so surprised that her husband would say
2:01
Speaker 2: that to his wife, because I don't know.
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Speaker 1: I mean, I'd probably say something like that thirty times
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Speaker 1: a day to you.
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Speaker 3: Well, we had this conversation before. But my registration number
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Speaker 3: on my car yes says bad Ass ye b d
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Speaker 3: A S And everyone thinks everyone thinks that.
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Speaker 2: It stands forn't believe you just said that, But it doesn't.
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Speaker 1: No, it doesn't.
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Speaker 3: And so I said to her, I said, that's just
2:27
Speaker 3: like my number plate.
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Speaker 1: I said.
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Speaker 3: Everybody thinks that, you know, that's what it stands for.
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Speaker 3: I said, but it actually stands for a beautiful darling
2:33
Speaker 3: angel sweetheart. And she looked at me and she said,
2:35
Speaker 3: say that again. So I said to her again, And
2:38
Speaker 3: she's actually using her fingers to.
2:39
Speaker 1: Go be for beautiful deep.
2:42
Speaker 3: It's all out. And she said, and he calls you that,
2:46
Speaker 3: And I said, yeah, every time I answer, every time
2:48
Speaker 3: I answer the phone. And yeah again she was just like, Wow,
2:54
Speaker 3: aren't you lucky? Like it was a really big deal
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Speaker 3: to her.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. See, this is making me feel good. This is
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Speaker 1: giving me a big egat booster. And now it's part.
3:00
Speaker 2: Now We've got like we get about three million downloads
3:03
Speaker 2: a year on this podcast, and all of those people
3:05
Speaker 2: are now hearing how crazy I'm about you and I
3:07
Speaker 2: think that is fabulous. Now, that's not what this podcast
3:11
Speaker 2: is about, though. This is a podcast that is about
3:14
Speaker 2: kids and girlfriends and boyfriends, particularly in sort of the mid.
3:17
Speaker 1: To late primary school years.
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Speaker 3: We suggest it actually is a wonderful preface.
3:22
Speaker 1: Maybe it is because in order to.
3:23
Speaker 3: Have the kind of relationship that we have, the things
3:26
Speaker 3: that we talk about today are really foundational. There are
3:29
Speaker 3: so important.
3:30
Speaker 2: Before we dive into this podcast, though, we do need
3:32
Speaker 2: to give you a content warning. We're going to talk
3:35
Speaker 2: about some pretty significant issues when it comes to themes
3:39
Speaker 2: related to intimacy. Parental guidance is definitely recommended. This is
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Speaker 2: a mature content, mature audience discussion that we're going to
3:48
Speaker 2: be having around kids and what's happening in the playground
3:51
Speaker 2: when it comes to their love interests. So, with that
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Speaker 2: warning offered, let's answer our listener question, which.
3:57
Speaker 3: Is Kate has actually asked My husband and I are
4:01
Speaker 3: hoping that you could offer some advice with our ten
4:03
Speaker 3: year old daughter. She's in year five and we've recently
4:06
Speaker 3: discovered that she has a friend who is a boy
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Speaker 3: who is now being labeled as her boyfriend. They send
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Speaker 3: messages to one another and those messages have escalated in
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Speaker 3: the last couple of weeks to lots of lip emojis,
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Speaker 3: hard emojis, and those three words I love you. The
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Speaker 3: boy has also asked our daughter what more she would
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Speaker 3: like with the relationship that they have. She has said
4:26
Speaker 3: that it would be nice if they could talk to
4:27
Speaker 3: each other at school. He would like to kiss her,
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Speaker 3: to hug her, and to take her to the movies.
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Speaker 3: They are ten. Our question to you is is this
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Speaker 3: age appropriate? Should we intervene and what is the best
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Speaker 3: way for us to approach this with her?
4:42
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm going to put you on the spot and
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Speaker 2: ask you a question that you might not want to answer.
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Speaker 2: But how old were you when you had your first kiss?
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Speaker 1: Well?
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Speaker 3: First kiss? It was on the cheek, right. This is
4:51
Speaker 3: a bit of a theme in my life because our
4:53
Speaker 3: first kiss was on the cheek, as it was. But
4:56
Speaker 3: I was ten.
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Speaker 1: I yeah.
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Speaker 3: We were about to leave from New Zealand to move
5:01
Speaker 3: to Australia. My grandfather had had a heart attack and
5:04
Speaker 3: so we actually relocated so we could take care of him, right,
5:08
Speaker 3: And I was heartbroken because the boy that I liked,
5:10
Speaker 3: he was a few years older than me. But I
5:14
Speaker 3: had to tell him that I was leaving and it
5:16
Speaker 3: felt like we were breaking up.
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Speaker 2: Forever and you weren't even boyfriend a girl friend, weren't
5:20
Speaker 2: even boyfriend, but this was it.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, So I sat down with him, I'm.
5:23
Speaker 1: So sorry you ended up with second place with me.
5:26
Speaker 3: Our parents were youth leaders at the time, and so
5:29
Speaker 3: I was with him at the youth group that night
5:32
Speaker 3: and I told him that we were leaving it and
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Speaker 3: I was an absolute mess. I was sobbing. It was
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Speaker 3: a really big deal. And he gave me a little
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Speaker 3: kiss on the.
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Speaker 1: Cheek, really with consensual like did he ask?
5:43
Speaker 3: I don't think he asked, but I was really happy
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Speaker 3: for him.
5:49
Speaker 2: I'm looking at the ground on your face and I'm
5:50
Speaker 2: feeling a little bit insecure right now. Okay, so let's
5:55
Speaker 2: let's get to the guts of Kate's email.
5:57
Speaker 1: Is it okay?
5:58
Speaker 2: You can put me in the spot, but you're not
6:00
Speaker 2: going to tell oh, you beat me by years, You
6:03
Speaker 2: beat me by years. I think I would have been
6:05
Speaker 2: thirteen or fourteen before I had my first kiss. But
6:07
Speaker 2: it wasn't on the cheek, was it?
6:09
Speaker 1: Yes, it actually was.
6:10
Speaker 2: I was on a surfing trip to a place called
6:13
Speaker 2: Mungo Brush on the New South Wales sort of mid
6:17
Speaker 2: North coast, and there were some girls camping nearby with
6:21
Speaker 2: their family, and one of my mates was just crazy
6:25
Speaker 2: about these girls and got into a big argument with
6:28
Speaker 2: them about how they wouldn't kiss him because they were frigid,
6:31
Speaker 2: because that's what you used to say when you're that age,
6:34
Speaker 2: and they said, not frigid at all, And then they
6:36
Speaker 2: came over and one of them planted a big kiss
6:38
Speaker 2: on my cheek.
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Speaker 3: Oh, so was that consensual?
6:40
Speaker 2: I had no idea that it was coming, but I
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Speaker 2: was very happy she did it, especially since he didn't
6:45
Speaker 2: get one.
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Speaker 1: But she never gave me anymore. That was it.
6:48
Speaker 3: Well, if it makes you feel any better, my first
6:50
Speaker 3: real kiss didnt happen til I was seventeen.
6:51
Speaker 1: Okay, well, yeah, let's move on.
6:54
Speaker 2: So I want to answer Kate's question and talk about
6:57
Speaker 2: a couple of things that are happening right now when
6:59
Speaker 2: it came to kids in primary school grades sort of four,
7:02
Speaker 2: five and six. Everywhere that I go as I'm giving talks,
7:07
Speaker 2: whether it's in New South Wales, Queensland, Victorious South Australia,
7:10
Speaker 2: the regional centers. I mean, I've been in Perth recently.
7:13
Speaker 2: No matter where I go. One of the questions that
7:15
Speaker 2: I ask the school principles is to one of the
7:18
Speaker 2: biggest challenges that you're dealing with right now. Overwhelmingly they
7:21
Speaker 2: say screens. Screens are a huge issue, And when I
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Speaker 2: ask for more information, they say things like, mainly boys,
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Speaker 2: but kids generally sharing explicit content, sharing pornography, and sharing
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Speaker 2: memes and liking and promoting and encouraging those memes and
7:40
Speaker 2: raising the stakes with that sort of stuff. The more
7:42
Speaker 2: we talk about it, the more I'm seeing a pattern
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Speaker 2: of behavior, and that is that it's primarily the boys
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Speaker 2: that are doing it, and there's some sort of status
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Speaker 2: associated with it. There's some sort of societal pressure that
7:52
Speaker 2: they're applying to one another in the playground. It's like
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Speaker 2: there's this boy code, something that's a Harvard research called
7:58
Speaker 2: Bill Pollock. William Pollck wrote about years ago. There's this
8:02
Speaker 2: boy code that's pushing them to up the stakes. So
8:08
Speaker 2: as a response to that, what's also happening is that
8:12
Speaker 2: because boys are being exposed to explicit content, they're showing
8:17
Speaker 2: increased levels of pressure. And because of the pressure in
8:19
Speaker 2: the playground to be a certain kind of boy, they
8:24
Speaker 2: are putting more pressure on girls to be a lot
8:27
Speaker 2: more serious in their relationships than we might be comfortable
8:32
Speaker 2: with as parents. But I want to stress even though
8:36
Speaker 2: this is the consistent conversation that school principals are having
8:39
Speaker 2: with me and that school counselors are having with me,
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Speaker 2: I don't think that it's a breathtakingly big departure from
8:46
Speaker 2: what was happening when we were growing up. And the
8:49
Speaker 2: reason that I say that is because when I was
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Speaker 2: growing up and going to Niagara Park Public School as
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Speaker 2: a grade five kid, that's when I was first introduced
8:58
Speaker 2: to the idea. And this is where if your children
9:00
Speaker 2: are listening, you definitely want to press pause. I was
9:03
Speaker 2: introduced to the idea of fingering. I didn't know what
9:07
Speaker 2: it was, I wasn't involved in it, but I found out.
9:11
Speaker 2: I discovered that some of the year five and the
9:13
Speaker 2: year six kids were going down to the back of
9:14
Speaker 2: the oval where there were no teachers, and they were
9:18
Speaker 2: engaging in that kind of really yeah yeah yeah in
9:21
Speaker 2: primary school. So this is back in the nineteen eighties,
9:23
Speaker 2: mid nineteen eighties, and as I talked to, as I said,
9:27
Speaker 2: school leaders, this kind of behavior is still happening. In fact,
9:31
Speaker 2: I think the behavior is probably happening a little bit less,
9:34
Speaker 2: but I also think that there's greater knowledge and more
9:37
Speaker 2: pressure now. I don't have data to support that. I
9:41
Speaker 2: just want to emphasize this stuff was happening in primary
9:44
Speaker 2: school in the mid to late years of primary school,
9:47
Speaker 2: and it has been happening for decades.
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Speaker 3: I know that by the time I was in high school,
9:56
Speaker 3: I was definitely associating with girls who were sex active
10:00
Speaker 3: with their boyfriends.
10:02
Speaker 1: Who were you should be a couple of years older,
10:04
Speaker 1: older than them.
10:05
Speaker 3: But I think that for the most part, I lived
10:08
Speaker 3: a pretty sheltered life, in part predominantly, I would suggest,
10:12
Speaker 3: because of the way my parents sheltered me.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and this is this is one of the critical
10:18
Speaker 2: things we've got, Kate, who's saying, I want to I
10:20
Speaker 2: want to show to my child. I want to keep
10:22
Speaker 2: this safe.
10:23
Speaker 3: So do you think it's appropriate for a ten year
10:25
Speaker 3: old boy to be asking a girl if he can
10:28
Speaker 3: hug and kiss her.
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Speaker 2: I think that it's developmentally appropriate, but there's got to
10:32
Speaker 2: be Do you really.
10:34
Speaker 3: Think it's a developmentally appropriate that he would ask that.
10:38
Speaker 3: I don't. I actually don't. I don't think as a
10:40
Speaker 3: ten year old that's a question that you would be asking.
10:45
Speaker 3: I remember, I do remember. I would have been maybe seven,
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Speaker 3: I'm going to say seven. There was a boy in
10:53
Speaker 3: the street and he said to me, I'll show you
10:55
Speaker 3: mine if you show me yours. Yes, I do remember
10:58
Speaker 3: that kind of dialogue. But to actually be physically connected, intimate,
11:04
Speaker 3: I don't think I had those kinds Like literally, I
11:07
Speaker 3: was with a boy who was a few years older.
11:08
Speaker 3: It's a totally different scenario than two ten year olds.
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Speaker 2: So the reasons I paused is because while I think
11:14
Speaker 2: that it's developmentally appropriate, what I was trying to find
11:17
Speaker 2: the words for was but it depends on what kind
11:21
Speaker 2: of hugen kiss, what kind of relationship they're actually looking for,
11:25
Speaker 2: and where the inspiration for that is coming. We know
11:28
Speaker 2: that sexual identity begins somewhere around about three or four.
11:32
Speaker 2: That's when kids start to recognize what a boy is
11:34
Speaker 2: and what a girl is, and they start to identify
11:37
Speaker 2: with the expectations, the social norms, the roles that they
11:41
Speaker 2: have been socialized into or are being socialized into. We
11:45
Speaker 2: also know that around about the age of six, seven, eight,
11:49
Speaker 2: those crisis really start to kick up. I mean they're
11:52
Speaker 2: really quite strong, even in those early to mid primary
11:55
Speaker 2: school years, and we know that kids start to get
11:59
Speaker 2: interested in having some kind of physical contact, usually in
12:02
Speaker 2: a platonic kind of way, but there's an interest in exploration,
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Speaker 2: even if it hasn't come from the pornography inspired context.
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Speaker 1: Somewhere around about the age of nine, ten eleven, that's
12:13
Speaker 1: not an unusual thing.
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Speaker 3: I'm thinking about the kinds of TV shows that the
12:16
Speaker 3: kids are watching at those ages, and their teenage drama.
12:20
Speaker 1: So twins are watching the teens.
12:23
Speaker 3: Literally watching the teens and watching those crushes unfold on
12:26
Speaker 3: the screen and watching their first kiss and how they
12:29
Speaker 3: ruminate over that, and so it kind of grooms them
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Speaker 3: in some ways, doesn't it.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I guess grooms on models models is probably
12:36
Speaker 2: a better word for it. I think Michelle Mitchell's book
12:39
Speaker 2: Tweens is actually quite useful here for Kate and other
12:41
Speaker 2: people who are wondering about what to do. But there's
12:45
Speaker 2: one more thing that I want to talk about before
12:46
Speaker 2: we answer specifically the three things that I think every
12:50
Speaker 2: parent needs to do when you're worried about a childhood
12:53
Speaker 2: crush getting too serious. There's one more thing in Kate's
12:57
Speaker 2: email where she says that they're sending each other a
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Speaker 2: up ogies, and my concern is what are they doing
13:02
Speaker 2: on the phone. See, I've got a really big be
13:07
Speaker 2: in my bonnet about kids getting access to smartphones way
13:10
Speaker 2: too early. The more access they have, especially when it's
13:15
Speaker 2: unfettered access, they can do whatever they want. The more
13:18
Speaker 2: access they have to the device, the more access they
13:20
Speaker 2: have to the relationship, and the more access they have
13:22
Speaker 2: to the relationship, the more it intensifies. And there's something
13:25
Speaker 2: about the depersonalization of the phone, where you've got the
13:29
Speaker 2: distance between you that reduces inhibitions and increases the bravery,
13:34
Speaker 2: the requests, the expectations in that relationship. The distance kind
13:40
Speaker 2: of makes it feel safer to say things, do things,
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Speaker 2: send things that you wouldn't in person.
13:47
Speaker 3: Well, I guess reading between the lines, you've got a
13:50
Speaker 3: kid who's asking a question and she's saying I'd like
13:53
Speaker 3: to talk yes school. So I'm going to suggest that
13:56
Speaker 3: there's actually more communication going on via a screen then
14:00
Speaker 3: there is actually in person.
14:02
Speaker 2: That's a concern that I have, and that's why I
14:04
Speaker 2: wanted to raise the phone. We're sending each other emojis,
14:06
Speaker 2: which is I know that it's how kids communicate, but
14:09
Speaker 2: it's not deep, high quality communication. And this brings me
14:13
Speaker 2: to the conversation that I think answers the question and
14:18
Speaker 2: where I'm going to spend two minutes.
14:19
Speaker 1: On it, because there's not a whole lot to say.
14:23
Speaker 2: Number One, you need to talk as a parent with
14:26
Speaker 2: your children early and often when it comes to issues
14:29
Speaker 2: of intimacy, when it comes to issues of consent, when
14:31
Speaker 2: it comes to issues of safety, when it comes to
14:34
Speaker 2: issues of relationships, talking to them about what a boyfriend is,
14:38
Speaker 2: or what a girlfriend is, or what a romantic interest
14:42
Speaker 2: is and what that means at different ages.
14:44
Speaker 3: I think before you even get to that, you need
14:46
Speaker 3: to understand what they think it is.
14:48
Speaker 1: Well, that's part of the conversation. Yes, I talk to
14:50
Speaker 1: I think.
14:50
Speaker 3: It's really important that we understand before we go in
14:54
Speaker 3: with guns blazing. We actually find out what does it
14:56
Speaker 3: mean to be a boyfriend?
14:57
Speaker 2: And Kate's done that, like you can hear says what
15:00
Speaker 2: do you want? And her daughter says, well, I want
15:03
Speaker 2: to talk at school, and what does he want? He
15:05
Speaker 2: wants hugging and kissing and movie dates. So he's just
15:09
Speaker 2: pushing for stuff that doesn't that I wouldn't want to
15:12
Speaker 2: see happening realistically, until fifteen or sixteen, he's just four
15:16
Speaker 2: or five years ahead of the curve, six yearshead of
15:18
Speaker 2: the curve. But having that conversation with your kids and
15:21
Speaker 2: saying what do you think is appropriate, inviting them into
15:24
Speaker 2: the conversation, explore what they think, explain what you think
15:27
Speaker 2: and why, and then develop solutions together. It's the standard
15:31
Speaker 2: three is of effective discipline. To me, that's going to
15:33
Speaker 2: be your most important protective factor being involved. There is
15:39
Speaker 2: so much research that shows that this is important. And
15:41
Speaker 2: having dad's involvement is super important as well. Having positive
15:46
Speaker 2: role models for your daughter matters an enormous amount in
15:50
Speaker 2: terms of the decisions that she's going to make.
15:52
Speaker 3: Not only that, just having an inside to the way
15:56
Speaker 3: a male brain works as well, I think is really important.
16:00
Speaker 3: And I remember Mum and Dad sitting me down and
16:03
Speaker 3: telling me about, you know, a boy's anatomy and how
16:05
Speaker 3: it works and how it responds. And obviously it wasn't
16:08
Speaker 3: until you and I were well and truly married that
16:11
Speaker 3: it all started to click into place, and I was like, oh, oh,
16:14
Speaker 3: they were right.
16:16
Speaker 1: But I had no.
16:17
Speaker 3: Idea the power that my body had on the way
16:21
Speaker 3: your body responded at all, Like it didn't in my mind,
16:27
Speaker 3: there was no correlation. And yet obviously once you're an
16:31
Speaker 3: intimate relationship, you recognize and see just how responsive our
16:35
Speaker 3: bodies are to one another. But I think for me
16:37
Speaker 3: as a mum, and I guess because of the personal
16:41
Speaker 3: journey that I've taken, I want to help my girls
16:44
Speaker 3: understand why their body feels the way it feels, actually
16:50
Speaker 3: unpack that because knowledge is power. Right, we have these emotions,
16:55
Speaker 3: we have these feelings that surface in our bodies because
16:59
Speaker 3: of the way we are responding to the person in
17:02
Speaker 3: front of us, and it feels overwhelming, it feels scary,
17:06
Speaker 3: and at times we feel like that means I must.
17:08
Speaker 1: Have to act.
17:09
Speaker 3: If I'm feeling this way, then that means I love him,
17:12
Speaker 3: or if I'm feeling that way, then that means that
17:14
Speaker 3: I actually have to do something about it. But empowering
17:18
Speaker 3: our girls to understand that they can feel this and
17:20
Speaker 3: it's all normal and it's all natural, and yet it's
17:23
Speaker 3: so important that they actually listen to what their body
17:26
Speaker 3: is telling them.
17:27
Speaker 1: So we didn't plan this, but that's my second key idea.
17:30
Speaker 1: You've kind of incorporated that into the issue.
17:32
Speaker 2: That the point that we need to talk and we
17:34
Speaker 2: need to talk early and often we need to talk
17:36
Speaker 2: about relationships. The second thing that I was going to say,
17:39
Speaker 2: I guess, just to put a nice big highlighter through
17:42
Speaker 2: what you've just said, is that we want to encourage
17:44
Speaker 2: our kids, especially in this case, our daughters. They're more
17:48
Speaker 2: likely to have the anxiety around this. Boys do tend
17:51
Speaker 2: to be the accelerated. Girls do tend to be the break.
17:53
Speaker 2: And the reason that they're the break is because the
17:55
Speaker 2: costs for them, both socially but also physically, the cost
17:59
Speaker 2: for them if this goes to far too fast are
18:01
Speaker 2: substantial compared to the costs for a boy. And the
18:06
Speaker 2: anxiety that she feels is healthy and normal, and it's
18:08
Speaker 2: an important signal to her that she needs to keep
18:10
Speaker 2: this going as slowly as she can until the anxiety
18:13
Speaker 2: goes away, because the anxiety only drops when she knows
18:17
Speaker 2: she can absolutely trust this person. So the anxiety is
18:19
Speaker 2: high because there's a question of trust. Over time, as
18:22
Speaker 2: he proves his trustworthiness, the anxiety drops off and then
18:26
Speaker 2: the relationship can build, and that's not going to happen
18:29
Speaker 2: with a ten year old. The anxiety is there because
18:30
Speaker 2: it's developmentally appropriate saying whoa breaks?
18:33
Speaker 1: What's going on here.
18:35
Speaker 3: For me, I think it's just so important for us
18:36
Speaker 3: to help our children understand, and specifically our girls, their
18:39
Speaker 3: worth and that it's not related to how a boy
18:43
Speaker 3: feels about them.
18:45
Speaker 1: Brilliant.
18:45
Speaker 3: If they can understand that and recognize that what they
18:48
Speaker 3: have them themselves, their person, their body, is so precious
18:53
Speaker 3: and so valuable and it's only to be given to
18:57
Speaker 3: the most trustworthy person, great, we're going to be doing
19:01
Speaker 3: our girls a favor.
19:03
Speaker 2: My last point is we want to teach our kids
19:06
Speaker 2: to delay. Delay, delay, delay. There's simply no evidence that
19:09
Speaker 2: shows that starting these romantic relationships early ends up being
19:13
Speaker 2: beneficial in the long run.
19:14
Speaker 1: It's better to wait full stop. End of story.
19:17
Speaker 2: So if I was to pull this together, because we
19:20
Speaker 2: are absolutely completely beyond out of time, the kind of
19:24
Speaker 2: behavior that's being demonstrated here by this boy is pretty
19:28
Speaker 2: normal for boys that age. It's not ideal, but it
19:30
Speaker 2: is pretty normal, has been pretty normal for several decades.
19:33
Speaker 2: It's not unusual, But I'm concerned that the inspiration for
19:37
Speaker 2: the behavior has changed over the last few decades, and
19:40
Speaker 2: there is a much darker side to it now than
19:42
Speaker 2: perhaps there was way back in the nineteen eighties. I
19:44
Speaker 2: could be wrong about that, but certainly that's my first concern.
19:48
Speaker 2: Second concern telephone usage, like, just minimize the telephone usage,
19:54
Speaker 2: and there has to be time away. Unfortunately, the ever
19:57
Speaker 2: present nature of the phones means that the relationship chip
20:00
Speaker 2: is ever present. And then our big idea is number one,
20:03
Speaker 2: talk early and off and number two listen to the
20:05
Speaker 2: anxiety and follow that because it's keeping you safe and healthy.
20:08
Speaker 2: And number three delayed, delayed delay, And your big point
20:11
Speaker 2: that covers all of this is you're worth something regardless
20:14
Speaker 2: of what a boy thinks about you. It's been really
20:16
Speaker 2: nice to have this conversation. I hope that it's been helpful.
20:18
Speaker 2: Thanks so much for listening. If you have feedback for us,
20:20
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20:31
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