Latest / Rooted & Real With Keenan / Comparison is the thief of joy
Transcript
- Keenan: Okay, so as we're gonna keep going, comparison Is the thief of joy. I said that earlier, and I want to stay with that mindset. A lot of people think comparison just makes them feel bad. But my goal here is to go deeper. Comparison does not only attack your mood, it attacks your identity. It moves from they have something I want to something must be wrong with me. And that's a dangerous jump. It's one thing to say I would love to grow in that area. Is another thing to say, because they have that, I must be less. That is where insecurity gets rooted. You see someone else's body and think, my body is unacceptable. You see someone else's marriage and think my relationship is broken. You see someone else's career and think, I'm wasting my life. They're not. You see someone else's spiritual life and think, God must be more pleased with them. God must love them more. You see someone else's parenting and think. I'm a failure to my kids. You see someone else's house and think I should be further along by now. You see someone else's platform and think maybe my work doesn't matter. Now, we're not just talking about comparison. We're talking about an identity distortion. And that is where Christian counseling has to be very clear. Your identity cannot be built on metrics. Not likes, not followers, not comments, not income, not body fat percentage, not marital status, not house size, not church platform, not your child's performance, not your productivity, not how many people clap for your life. Ephesians two ten says we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works. That your life. Has dignity before it has visibility. You are not valuable because people notice you. You are valuable because God made you, sees you, calls you, knows you. Your worth is not something you perform into existence. It is something you receive from God. And I know that can sound simple. But this is where a lot of us struggle. We believe our theology on Sunday, but we let our feed disciple our identity Monday. When we say I'm loved by God, but then we scroll and think, Why am I not more attractive? We say things like God has a plan for my life. But then we scroll and think, Why am I so behind? We say my value is in Christ, but then we scroll and think, Why does nobody notice me? That tension is real. So the goal is not to shame yourself into feeling insecure. The goal is to become aware of what is happening inside of you. When insecurity shows up, slow down, take a pause, take a breath, and say this. What did I just start believing about myself? You feel those emotions welling up, you feel the chest tighten, you feel the confusion, you start to get hot, you notice the anxiety kicking in. You ask yourself, What did I start believing about? Because the problem may not be the post. The problem may be the story you're maybe the story you're paying attached the post. Someone announces a pregnancy and you really want to be pregnant and you feel crushed. That doesn't mean you're a bad person. It may mean you're grieving. Someone posts a business win and you feel irritated. Does not mean you're evil. It may mean you're exhausted and afraid your work will never matter. Someone posts a happy marriage photo and you feel resentful. That may mean there's loneliness in your own home. You may not have named it yet. Someone post a fitness transformation transformation and you feel so ashamed. That may mean you've been at war with your body for years. And that post just touched and folded. Someone posts about their quiet morning with God and you feel feel superior and you feel spiritually inferior. That may mean you've turned your walk with God into a performance review. So instead of just saying, I should not compare, try asking yourself this. What is this comparison revealing? And that question turns shame into self-awareness. And self-awareness is not the same as self-condemnation. Self-awareness says something is happening in me, and I want to understand it. Self-condemnation says something is wrong with me and I should hate myself for it. Those are very different. The Holy Spirit convicts, the enemy condemns. Conviction leads you towards God. Condemnation makes you high. If comparison makes you high from God, hate yourself, resent others, despair about your life, that is not the voice you want to follow. It's not from God. This is important. A lot of Christians deal with envy by immediately condemning them. I should not feel this. I am being jealous. I am ungrateful. I'm a terrible person. But clinically, I want you to learn how to slow down. Yes. Envy can become sinful. Yes. Envy can become destructive. Yes. Envy can poison relationships. Envy can make you resent people who have not done anything wrong to you. But envy often starts with grief. It starts with longing. You wanted a family mind. You wanted to be further along financially. You want your marriage to feel different. You want your body to heal. You want your child to be okay. You wanted your ministry to grow. You wanted to feel chosen. You wanted to feel seen. You wanted the opportunity. You wanted peace. You wanted the answer. You wanted the breakthrough. Then someone gets the thing you wanted and your heart aches. ache is not automatically sent. What you do with that heartache matters. In Psalms chapter seventy three, it is one of the most honest passages in scripture, I think, about comparison. The Psalmist looks at the prosperity of others and basically says this does not feel fair. He's watching people succeed, and his own heart starts slipping. That is real. Faith does not mean pretending you never feel disappointed. Faith Means bringing your disappointment into the presence of God before it becomes bitterness. Because bitterness is what happens when pain goes unprocessed and starts looking for someone to blame. And social media gives bitterness a lot of targets. You can start resenting people you barely know. You can start resenting friends. You can start resenting people at your church. You can start resenting your spouse. You can start resenting God. Not because you're a terrible person, but because disappointment is never brought into the light and often turns into present. John Piper has defined envy in a very direct way. He said, ⁓ envy is being resentful that they more fruitful than you are. That is the turn. It is not wrong to desire fruitfulness, growth, or blessing. It is not wrong to want a good marriage. It is not wrong to want healing. It's not wrong to want children. It is not wrong. To want your work to matter. It is not wrong to want a healthy body. It is not wrong to want meaningful relationships. Envy begins when someone else's blessing starts feeling like an insult. That's where we need to pause. That's where we need to pump the brakes, hit the stop sign, stop light. Because someone else's blessing is not God's rejection of you. Say that again. Someone else's blessing. Is not God's rejection of you. Their engagement is not God saying you're forgotten. Their promotion is not God saying you're behind. Their platform is not God saying you're invisible. Their healing is not God saying your pain does not matter. Their marriage is not God saying yours is hopeless. Their child success is not God saying you failed as a parent. Their financial win is not God saying. He will not provide for you. Envy says there is not enough goodness to go around. The gospel says your Father knows what you need. So when envy shows up, just slap a Bible verse on it and move on. Just kidding. Do not slap a Bible verse on it and move on. Bring it to God honestly. Pray about it. Say something like this. Lord, I'm hurting. Lord, I feel behind. Lord, I feel overlooked. Lord, I'm happy for them, but I'm also sad for me. Lord, help me to not turn that pain into resentment. That is a mature prayer. And some of you need permission to pray that honestly. You do not have to perform emotional perfection in front of God. He already knows what's in your heart. Prayer is not where you pretend. Prayer is where you bring the truth into the presence of the one who can actually hold it. And sometimes the most spiritually mature thing you can do is say, God, I do not like what I'm feeling right now, but I want to bring it to you before it turns into something darker. That. Is real faith. Your feed is disciplining your attention. You may not think of social media as a spiritual formation, but it is forming something. It is forming what you notice. It's forming what you desire. It's forming what you fear. It's forming what you normalize. Forming what you think success looks like. It's forming what you think beauty looks like. It's forming what you think marriage should look like. It's forming what you think masculinity or femininity should look like. It's forming what you think parroting should look like. It's forming what you think your life should look like by now. Romans 12 2 says, Do not conform to the pattern of But be transformed by the renewing. That verse is not only about avoiding obviously simple things. It's about formation. What is shaping your mind? What is shaping your appetite? What is shaping your definition of enough? Because every account you follow is obviously toxic. Some accounts are quite unhealthy. Not every account is toxic. And some accounts just are not helpful. That they do not make you sin directly. They make you spiral. They make you dissatisfied. They make you anxious. They make you irritated at your spouse. They make you ashamed of your body. They make you impatient with your process, with your progress. They make you feel like ordinary life is a failure. And ordinary life is not a failure. Let me say that again. Let me say it for the people in the back. Ordinary life is not a failure. Quiet marriage is not a failure. A normal house is not a failure. A modest income is not a failure. A body that has aged, carried stress, carried children, carried grief, carried survival is not a failure. A season where you are not publicly celebrated is not a failure. A day where you wake up, go to work, love your family, pay your bills. Pray imperfectly and keep going is not a failure. But social media can make ordinary faithfulness feel invisible. And if you're not careful, you'll start craving visibility more than obedience. And that is spiritually dangerous. there are things God forms in hidden places that cannot be formed on a platform. There are parts of your character that are built in obscurity. There are parts of your marriage that heal in private. There are parts of your walk with God that grow when nobody's watching. There are parts of emotional maturity that develop when you stop performing and start paying attention. So this matters. This is where we need boundaries. Pastor Mike from our church said the fastest way to find the right relationships for you is to get rid of all the wrong relationships for you. That was said in a relationship context. But the principle applies here too. Some digital relationships are shaping you in the wrong direction. Some follows need to become unfollowed. Some apps need limits. Some content needs muted. Some phones need to stay out of the bedroom. Some mornings need scripture before scrolling. Some evenings need silence instead of symptoms. Stimulation. Some weekends need presence instead of posting. Not because you're weak, not because you're human, and humans are formed by repetition. What you repeatedly look at, you begin to normalize. What you repeatedly normalize, you begin to desire. What you repeatedly desire, you begin to chase. And what you chase will shape your life. So, yes. Your feed matters. Not because social media is evil, but because attention is spiritual. Where your attention goes, your heart often follows. Comparison also creates false urgency. One of the biggest ways comparison affects anxiety is through urgency. Comparison says you're behind. Anxiety says fix it now. That combination can be dangerous. You see someone buy a house and suddenly your apartment feels unacceptable. You see someone launch a business and suddenly your job feels meaningless. You see someone get in safe shape and suddenly you want to punish your body. You see someone's marriage post and suddenly you want to confront your spouse with 10 years of disappointment at eleven forty seven p.m. You see someone's vacation and suddenly you feel like your family never has enough. You see someone else's child succeeding, and suddenly you start pressuring your kid. You see someone else's ministry growing and suddenly you want to force doors to open that God has not opened. Comparison often creates emotional urgency without wisdom. And when you make decisions from that place, you usually overcorrect. You spend money you do not have. You start a plan you cannot sustain. You pressure your spouse instead of communicating. You shame your body instead of caring for it. You chase a calling God did not give you. You abandon a season God is using to form you. This is one of the reasons we have to slow down. We have to pause. We have to take a breath. Because not every strong emotion is wise instruction. Anxiety is loud. Shame is loud. Envy is loud. Insecurity is loud. But loud does not mean true. Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time for everything. That means pace mattered. God's pace is usually slower than your panic. And I know that line might frustrate some of us because we want God to move at the speed of our anxiety. But God is not anxious. He's not frantic. He's not reactive. God is not doom scrolling heaven trying to figure out what to do with your life. He's steady. And part of spiritual maturity is learning to stop treating panic like prophets. Jordan Peterson, well known rule number four from Twelve Rules of Life is compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today. That's not scripture, but clinically it's a useful reframe. It brings us it brings the focus back to growth, responsibility, and progress instead of shame based comparison. Because if you always compare yourself to someone else today, you will miss the growth God actually has been doing in you. You may not be where they are, but you're more patient than you used to be. You're more honest than you used to be. You're more emotionally aware than you used to be. You're learning to repair after conflict. You're praying more honestly. You're setting better boundaries. You're showing up more consistently. You're less reactive than you used to be. That matters. That counts. Progress is not always flashy. Sometimes progress looks like not sending the text. Sometimes progress looks like apologizing faster. Sometimes progress looks like going to therapy. Sometimes progress looks like taking the walk instead of swapping. Sometimes progress looks like choosing presence over parasites. So here's a practical tool, something you can take home. When you're feeling urgency after scrolling, twenty four hours before acting. Don't buy the thing yet, don't send the ingried message yet, don't change your whole life plan yet. Do not announce the new version of yourself yet. Don't start the crash diet. Do not confront your spouse from a place of comparison yet. Do not make a major decision while your nervous system is activated. Pause. Ask what did this trigger in me? What am I afraid is true? What would wisdom say? What would faithfulness look like today? Not this year, not five years from now, today. Because comparison wants you obsessed with someone else's chapter. Faithfulness brings you back to your next step. Healthy comparison, inspired, unhealthy comparison, accuses. Now I want to be balanced. The answer is not never compare. That's unrealistic. But it's also not fully biblical. We learn by comparison. We grow by example. We imitate wise people. We observe fruit. We notice patterns. Hebrews 13 7 says, consider the outcome of faithful leaders' lives. Imitate their faith. So comparison can be healthy when it leads to humility, learning wisdom, and growth. But comparison becomes unhealthy when it leads to shame, envy, resentment, pride, despair, or identity. the difference. Healthy comparison says. That inspires me. Unhealthy comparison says that condemns me. Healthy comparison says what can I learn? comparison says why am I not enough? Healthy comparison says God is growing me. Unhealthy comparison says God me. Healthy comparison says I can celebrate them and still be faithful. Unhealthy comparison says their success makes my life smaller. That is the line. John Piper's ministry has made this point well. Comparison itself does not have to steal joy. The issue is whether comparison becomes envy and pride whether it becomes humility, imitation, and growth. That distinction is important. Because sometimes another person's life can encourage you. A strong marriage can inspire and pour into your marriage. A healthy leader can inspire your leadership. A disciplined person can encourage your discipline. A spiritually mature person can deepen your hunger for God. A wise parent can give you tools. A faithful friend can call you higher. That's good. But if following someone consistently produces shame, Resentment, lust, anxiety, envy, self-hatred, contempt for your own life, that is not inspiration anymore. That is accusation. So do not just ask, should I follow this person? what does following this person produce in me? Does it produce wisdom, gratitude, encouragement, conviction, hope, healthy challenge, or does it produce shame, lust, envy, resentment? Discontentment, anxiety. Jesus said, You will know a tree by its fruit. That applies to your digital life too. Look at the fruit. What is the context? What is this content producing in your marriage? What is it producing in your body image? What is it producing in your spending? What is it producing in your parenting? What is it producing in your prayer life? What is it producing in your emotional regulation? What is it producing in your view of God? Because the fruit will tell you whether something is helping you or harming you. And let's be very practical. If every time you look at someone's account, you feel worse about your spouse, that account may need a boundary. But if every time you look at fitness content, you feel hatred towards your body, that content may also need a boundary. If every time you look at someone's family content, you feel despair about your own family, that content may need a boundary. And if every time you look at someone else's success, you feel like your life is meaningless, that content may also need a boundary. Again, not because they're bad, but because you are responsible for your formation. You're responsible for what you repeatedly expose your mind to. That's not legalism. That's wisdom. You need a feed audit and a heart audit. So this is where we get practical. You prove you probably, more than likely, do not need to throw your phone into the ocean. Don't do that. But you may need at least two audits: a feed audit and a heart audit. The feed audit asks, who am I following? Why am I following them? What do I feel after consuming their content? Does this content align with the kind of person I'm becoming? Is this helping me love God, love people, and live wisely? Is this helping me be more present with my actual life? is it training me to present my actual life? The heart audit asks. Why does this trigger me? Why what am I longing for? What am I afraid of? Where do I feel behind? What do I believe this person has that I need in order to be okay? What wound does this touch? What story did I start telling myself? Both of these audits matter because you can unfollow the account and still carry that insecurity. That is why ⁓ This is not just a social media issue, it's a soul issue. Philippians 4 8 gives us this filter: whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable. Think on these things. This does not mean only follow Christian account. It means pay attention to what is forming in your mind. And maybe for some of you, the most spiritual thing you can do this week is not. Add another devotional. Maybe it is remove the content that keeps making you hate your life. Maybe it's stopped checking that page that keeps reopening the wound. Maybe it is charge chan time to charge char ooh, I can't talk. You have to charge your phone outside of your bedroom. Maybe it's time to do that. Maybe take Sunday off social media. Any day of the week, really. Maybe open scripture before you open Instagram. Maybe it's unfollow someone, not because they did anything wrong, but because you're not in a healthy place to consume their content. Maybe it's turning off notifications. Maybe it's moving the app off your home screen. Maybe it's setting a timer. Maybe it's replacing nighttime scrolling with reading, prayer, stretching, or a real conversation. Not as legalism, as wisdom. Because peace has to be protected. And I want to be direct here. Some of us keep asking God for peace while refusing to set boundaries with what keeps stealing it. Now hear me clearly. not saying every struggle is solved by boundary. I'm saying anxiety is your fault. I'm not saying depression is your fault. I'm not saying if you just unfollow a few accounts, then everything will be better. Mental health is way more complex than that. But I am saying this. You cannot consistently expose yourself to content that activates shame, activates envy, lust, anxiety, resentment, and then act surprise when your inner world feels chaotic. Inputs matter. Formation matters. Attention matters. So yes, pray for peace, but also protect the place where peace keeps leaking out. So this is the three day comparison reset. The action item for this week. I want you to do a three-day comparison reads. That's what I'm going to call it. Not a dramatic detox, not a public announcement, not I'm leaving social media forever. Just three days of paying attention. Because awareness is where change starts. For the next three days, every time you notice comparison come up, I want you to track three things. You can write it in your journal, put it on your notes up on your phone, you can write it on a sticky note, put it on your bathroom mirror, whatever works for you. But for three days, when comparison hits, these three questions. Number one, what did I see? Was it someone's marriage? Someone's body? Someone's house? Someone's vacation? Success? Spiritual life? Someone's parenting? Someone's engagement, someone's pregnancy, someone's platform, someone's discipline, someone's friendship group, someone's ministry, family. Do not judge it. Just name it. What did I see? Because comparison loses some of its power when it becomes specific. Vague comparison says, My whole life is. Specific awareness says I saw someone's new house and it triggered financial insecurity. Those are very different. One overwhelms you, one gives you something to work with. Number two. What did I start believing? What story did I start telling myself? This is where we slow it down. Take a breath, take a pause. Because comparison moves fast. You see the post. Within seconds, your brain starts building a story. They're ahead of me. I'm failing. My marriage is not good enough. My body's not attractive. My kids are behind. My life is boring. I missed my chance. God is blessing everyone but me. I should be further along. Nobody sees me. I'm not enough. That is real danger. The post may have lasted three seconds, if that, but the story you attach to it may shape your whole day. So ask this. What did I start believing after I saw that? Not just how did I feel? Go deeper than that. What did I believe? Because emotions. Often follow interpretation. You may feel anxious because you interpreted someone else's success as proof that you're failing. You may feel resentment because someone else's blessing as proof that God overlooked you. You may feel ashamed because you interpreted someone else's body as proof that yours is unacceptable. You may feel hopeless because you interpreted someone else's progress as proof that you are stuck forever. That is why we have to identify the belief. Because you cannot challenge a belief that you have not made. Number three. What is one faithful step? Not a panic next step, not a shame driven next step, not a performative next step, a faithful next step. Maybe the faithful next step is putting the phone down and going outside. Maybe it's praying honestly. Lord, this hit something in me. Help me understand why. Maybe it's congratulating the person instead of resenting them. Maybe it's unfollowing or unfollowing or muting that account that consistently sends you into a spiral. Maybe it's having a real conversation with your spouse instead of a slightly Instead of slightly comparing your marriage to someone else's catchment. Maybe it's going to the gym from a place of stewardship instead of self-hatred. Maybe it's opening scripture before opening Instagram tomorrow morning. Maybe it's testing a friend saying, Hey, I've been feeling behind lately. Can you pray for me? Maybe it's booking a counseling session because you realize this comparison is connected to something deep. Maybe it's apologizing to your spouse because you let comparison turn into criticism. Maybe it's sitting with grief instead of turning it into resentment. That is the action item. Three days. Write it down. Here are those questions again. What did I see? What did I believe? What is one faithful next step I can do? That is simple, but it is powerful. Because comparison drives Dark. It thrives when it stays vague. It thrives when you sh just feel bad. But never slow down enough to name what happens. When you name it, you start getting authority over it. And this is very similar to what we do in counseling. We slow down, we take a breath, we pause, we slow down the automatic thought. We identify the trigger. We identify the belief. We identify the emotional response. Then we ask ourselves, is this true? Is it helpful? Is it wise? Is it aligned with who God says I am? That's not just therapy language. That's also about discipleship. Second Corinthians ten five talks about taking thoughts captive. Now I want to be careful with this verse. Taking thoughts captive does not mean pretending you do not have painful thoughts. It does not mean shaming yourself into feeling insecure. It does not mean yelling Bible verses at your nervous system and hoping it calms down. It means you do not let every thought become your master. You can notice the thought without obeying it. You can feel insecurity without building your identity around it. You can feel envy without feeding resentment. You can feel behind without agreeing that God has forgotten you. You can feel sadness without turning it into self-hatred. That is emotional maturity. That is spiritual maturity. So for three days, practice taking comparison. Captain. Not by yelling at yourself, not by pretending you're fine, but by slowing down and naming what has happened. What did I see? What did I believe? What is one faithful next step? And I'll encourage you to write down those three questions somewhere visible. Notes app on a sticky note. Put them on your nightstand, on your mirror, on your phone, your wallpaper for a few days. Because the goal is not just to consume another podcast episode. The goal is to practice something. The goal is to gain insight without action becomes in. And I do not want this podcast to just be interesting. I want it to be useful. I want you to walk away with something you can actually do in your real life, in your real marriage, in your real anxiety, in your real scrolling habits, in your real walk with God. So that is the challenge. Three days, pay attention. Do not shame yourself. Do not over-spiritualize it. Do not ignore it. Just notice, name, and respond faithfully. Come back to your actual life. So here's what comparison does. It pulls you out of your actual life. It pulls you out of your actual marriage, your actual kids, your actual body, your actual home, your actual calling, your actual season, your actual walk with God. It puts you in an imaginary courtroom where your life is consistently on trial and you're the defendant. Everyone else's highlight reel is the evidence, and shame is the judge. And that is exhausting. Some of you are tired, not because your life is actually failing, but because you keep mentally persecuting your life against impossible evidence. You need to come back to your actual life. Not the life you thought you would have now. Not the life someone else is posting. Not the life your insecurity says you should be living. Your actual real life. The people in front of you, the body you actually have, the home you actually live in. The marriage you're actually building, the children you're actually raising, the work God has actually placed in your hands, the healing that is of actually available today, that is where faithfulness lives. Faithfulness does not happen in someone else's life. It happens in yours. And some of us are so busy comparing assignments that we are neglecting obedience. We are so focused on what God gave someone else that we're missing, what he put in right in front of us. So come back. Come back to your actual life. Ask your spouse how they're doing. Play with your kids. Take a walk. Touch grass. Eat some, eat a real meal, open your Bible, send the encouraging text, clean the kitchen without resenting the ordinary. Take the next right step. Go to therapy, rest, pray, do the work in front of you. Because your life may not be flashy, but it is sacred. Your ordinary obedience matters. Your hidden healing matters. Your private faithfulness matters. Your unseen growth matters. God sees what Instagram does not, and that is enough. So Done a lot of talking. Let me bring this home. Let's land the plane. You are not weak because comparison affects you. You're human. You have a nervous system. You have desires. You have wounds. You have longings. You have places in your life where you feel unfinished. And social media knows how to press on all of that. You do not have to live disciplined by comparison. You can slow down. You can pay attention, you can set boundaries, you can grieve honestly, you can celebrate others without condemning yourself. You can choose faithfulness over scoreboard living. Your life does not need to look impressive to be meaningful. Your healing does not need to be public to be real. Your progress does not need applause to count. Your obedience does not need visibility to matter. Someone else's blessing is not God's rejection of you. Because comparison will try to convince you that if God is doing something good for them, he must be withholding from you. And that is not the heart of the Father. God is not limited. God is not running out of goodness. God is not distracted by someone else's story. God is not confused about your timeline. He knows exactly where you are. He knows what hurts. He knows what you desire. He knows what you're afraid of. He knows what you keep checking. He knows what posts make your stomach drop. He knows you feel behind. And he is not asking you to live someone else's life. He's inviting you to be faithful in yours. So this week, here's the action item. Do the three-day comparison reset. The next three days, every time comparison hits, write down three things. What did I see? What did I start believing? What is one faithful next step? That's it. Not complicated, but honest. And before you scroll, ask. Why am I opening this? After you scroll, ask. What did this produce in me? And when comparison rises, pray this: bring me back to my assignment. Help me celebrate others without. Myself. Teach me to be faithful with what you have placed in my hands. Help me notice what is informing me. What is forming me. And give me the courage to set boundaries where I need peace. That is rooted. That is real. Thanks for sticking along for the ride, and I will see you next time.