Latest / Intimate Conversations with Men about Life, Love, and Sex / Firefighters, Fear, and the Courage to Ask for Help with Tommy J. Dwyer
Transcript
- [00:00:00] Voiceover: Welcome to Intimate Conversations with Men about life, love, and sex. The conversations you're about to hear don't happen often, not in boardrooms, not in locker rooms, rarely anywhere. Elena Sofia Ruiz has invested 37 years studying how individuals think, operate, connect, and how they are mentally built, and she has a rare gift for creating the kind of space where men actually go there. Relationships, health, emotional intimacy, personal growth, real talk from the male perspective. So settle in, this one goes deep [00:00:32] Elena: Thank you for joining. Today, it is my pleasure to welcome an extraordinary storyteller whose work reminds us of the power of authenticity, emotion, and the human spirit. Tommy Jay Dwyer is an award-winning actor, a writer, a comedian, and a filmmaker, who films have earned international recognition. He creates stories that invites us to see ourselves in others with greater compassion. His latest documentary, Burning Down the House, shines the light on the courage and sacrifices of our firefighters. Thank you for joining us today, Tommy, and it is my honor to have you in this podcast today. [00:01:17] Tommy: Well, I'm super excited. I'm ready to go. Yeah, I appreciate it. [00:01:21] Elena: So there was a moment, uh, Tommy, in your life that make you decide this is what you wanted to do for the rest of your life. Would you bring me back to that moment and tell me about it? [00:01:32] Tommy: Yeah. I mean, it's something that I kind of feel like was in me from the start, right? So I'm an only child. Uh, and as a little kid, I kind of found friendship and solace in movies and watching movies. I didn't realize it yet, but- ... I always liked myself in the film and, uh, you know, i- if you look back at old home footage of mine, I'm always dressed li- like a person that was in a movie that I had just watched. So it's something I've always done. At, right around COVID time, uh, is when I realized, like, maybe I can do this full time. I, I joined the Screen Actors Guild in 2006. Mm-hmm. Uh, and got to do some cool stuff, but really more was like a hobby situation, and I always believed like, oh, you need that true like true job and real work, and acting's not a real thing, and filmmaking's not real. And, um, kind of took a global pandemic for me to look inside and go like, "Hey, maybe this is a real thing that you can do." [00:02:22] Elena: Absolutely. The world of art is not always financially rewarding. Or have you ever been in that moment that you had to question if it's important for you to focus more on the, on the financial rewarding rather than what is meaningful to you in your heart? [00:02:37] Tommy: Yeah. I, you know, I think that that may be somewhat of like a, a false equivalence, right? Where it doesn't have to be either/or. It can be an and. Mm-hmm. Um, and I think that you can always write. You can always film make. You could always do comedy if you want to, or make music, uh, and fulfill your soul that way and- Correct with the financial aspect of it, it's less of a cliff drop and, and more of a cross fade, right? At what point can you fade away from what you're doing and start financially supporting yourself with art? Sometimes there is that risk, right? But it's worth it, and I don't think that it ever has to be an either/or. I think it can be an and. [00:03:14] Elena: What has silence taught you about people that words have never taught you? [00:03:21] Tommy: I mean, that's a great one, right? And I try to use silence in filmmaking and pauses in filmmaking as a, a piece of my storytelling, right? Because I think that what you see in people's faces, in their expressions, in their eyes, can tell you a lot more than what they're saying, or sometimes in an interesting way can tell you differently than what w- what they're saying, right? Right. So they can be saying one thing, but telling you something completely different. Mm-hmm. And when I'm making film, I try and focus on the subtlety of like, what kind of micro movements are you making with your eyes, with your... What's your body language telling me? I think a lot of actors focus on, like, memorize the lines and know the lines, and I really try and memorize the feeling of the scene- That's- and then, like, let the lines be whatever they may be, right? But, uh, I mean, you learn a lot from watching somebody's body language much more than listening to what somebody's saying. And they say like, "Well, what should I do here?" It's like, well, just do what you would do there. What would, what would that person do in that moment? Be in the moment. Don't pre-think it. I feel like when you pre-think stuff, it comes off so robotic and obvious. And like, if you just live in the moment and can really put yourself in that scene and feel that- Sometimes, like, the dialogue can go kind of off-script, and that's okay because what you're capturing is, is more real than what was written, you [00:04:36] Elena: know? I've never been part of that, but I can see how, uh, something magni- magnificent can be created when you really just go in there and be- and become that individual, [00:04:46] Tommy: right? 100%, yeah. [00:04:48] Elena: As you made this film, what part of yourself you discover also needed protection and healing? [00:04:55] Tommy: For me, it was a journey home. Um, my father was a firefighter for 32 years. Mm. My uncles were all Worcester firefighters for 30-plus years. Um, and they've had a lot of sort of situations that have affected them, but then trickled down, have affected me as the, as the child and nephew of, of firefighters. And going to some of these firehouses that I went into as a little kid and, and still seeing that nothing's changed in 40 years since I've been there was really eye-opening. For me, it opened a childhood wound, right? And I realized that there's a lot of mental health to this problem, more than just the stations themselves, that, that trickle down not only to the brave men and women that are firefighters but to their families. And it made me kinda look in the mirror and understand my dad a lot more than I did probably before I made this film. And I feel like our relationship has grown exponentially in the year and a half that I've been making this project because I'm seeing this now through the lens, like, behind a ca- like, I'm separating myself from the scene, and I'm seeing these men and women and going like, "Oh, well, that's why my dad was tired when he came home," or, "Oh, that's why my dad wouldn't let me, you know, take the smoke detector down before... and change the battery and leave it out," or, like, these little things 'cause I'm seeing what he saw, and I'm feeling what he felt from behind the camera. And, uh, it's really helped us grow. It's helped me grow as a person and understand myself a little bit more, too, uh, in my childhood which, as you know, you know, most of the, the, the, the wounds come from your, your childhood. And so I've had the unique experience to be able to go back and retroactively look at it. [00:06:33] Elena: I was thinking as I listening, uh, to you giving this answer, I'm thinking, "Goddammit, Tommy, you are s- such a great storyteller even in the freaking answer that you're giving me." [00:06:42] Tommy: Well, that's good. I guess that's a good thing. If I wasn't, there'd be some problem. [00:06:45] Elena: Yes. So with silence and with words, you are just extraordinary. Well, I appreciate that. I cannot just imagine, right? Um- [00:06:53] Tommy: Thank you ... [00:06:53] Elena: um, wow. Um- Yeah, I w- I was just thinking ab- about, um, the, the answer and how, you know, it could've been as difficult at the same time that rewarding just being able to go through that process of seeing, finding d- discovering parts of you that you prob- like you said, right, that you didn't know and understanding better. [00:07:13] Tommy: Yeah. I mean, I, I truly believe, like, in life in general, that the reward comes from difficulty, right? So if you don't have those difficulties and you don't have those moments that really strike you, I kind of look inward and I'm like, "Should I even be doing this project? Is this something that I'm really dedicated to?" Um, so those moments where I would kind of sit back and be like, "Oh my God," uh, you know, "Let's pull the cameras out of here," or like, "Let's take a minute and, and refocus on what this project means," um, those are the moments that I get, I feel rewarded afterwards. Um, this, this film, which was sponsored by the Last Call Foundation, was initially slated as, like, a 15-minute short film And after my first day of filming, I called Cathy up, who runs The Last Call, and I, she's the executive director, and I said, "Listen, Cathy, like, this is a feature length movie. I'm not gonna ask you guys for any more money. I'm not gonna ask for anything else. But I have to tell this story." Mm-hmm. "This story has to be done in a way that the most people can see it and feel it a- and really give it what it's, what it deserves." So- [00:08:17] Elena: Mm ... [00:08:17] Tommy: yeah, that was a difficult moment too, right? Going like, "Well, what do I do? Do I just do the 15 minute short and, and get it out and whatever? Or do I kinda roll the dice and say like, 'Let's make this a full... It's a 90-minute movie. It's a full feature length film.'" And I think it has to be. I think it w- it wouldn't have made sense doing it any other way. [00:08:35] Elena: Wow, I love your intensity. Why, why just do it because, just do it- Yeah ... all the way? Yeah. I feel if we just, humans, uh, take our lives and our projects like that more often, probably this world would be a little different, more fulfilling. Yeah. Um, Tommy, in the process of this movie, and I know you already, you know, talk about how you saw yourself as a little boy through the lens, uh- Yeah in, in real life, but for those individuals who are family members, friends, and part of the community of those superheroes who might s- have saved so many lives already, uh, what kind of words would you give them for them to, you know, get settled a little bit into the idea of why this is important, why they're doing or what they can do to support these individuals? [00:09:20] Tommy: Yeah. I think first of all is, is be more understanding and more gracious, right? Like, you know, I'm Irish American. My dad and I butted heads a lot. We were best friends, but we were like two pit bulls going at each other, and when he would come home and be tired or frustrated, I, I didn't understand, right? And so I still wanted my dad, but my dad had given himself to something bigger than me at that moment. So I think it's be understanding. Uh, be gracious. Give them a safe space, so if they need space, let them go mow the lawn or go do whatever they have to do for a little while to get their head in the right space because some of the stuff they see and experience is traumatizing. Like, severely traumatizing, right? I also think- There's a big aspect to let them know that it's okay to need help, right? They're used to being those sort of like alpha male and females that are there, and when people need them, and sometimes it's, it's hard for them to open up when they need help themselves, so they turn to alcohol, or they turn to, uh- Yeah negative behaviors, uh, because it's the only way for them to feel, right? Mm-hmm. And so I'm a huge believer and supporter of mental health, especially for men and women that, A, maybe don't look like they need it, that don't fit that sort of like profile th- that they need it, or, B, that just typically don't go to, uh, mental health support, whether it be your nationality, your background, your archetype, right? Like, I played college football. Uh, you know, I'm Irish American. We typically... My dad is a firefighter. We typically don't go to seek mental help. I did. I'm super glad I did. Um, and I think that also don't rule out... Y- you know, if, if you go somewhere and it's not the right fit, go somewhere else. Don't give up on yourself, right? Um, so give, give them grace, give them kindness, give them space if they need it, but also let them know, "Hey, it's okay if you have to go talk to somebody. I support you. We think that's great. Not only do I support you, I encourage you to go speak to somebody and talk to somebody, and get some of that weight off your chest." Because man, it adds up. It really, really does. And I've seen it in my own family, uh, and I've seen it in the men and women that I've talked to, even in the year plus making this film. They carry a lot of weight around every day that is just unneeded. It, it, it, it... That could be just taken off their shoulders, um, if they had the right environment to do that. [00:11:52] Elena: Ah, wow. Thank you for that. Um, success often looks, uh, glamorous from the outside. What has been the emotional price you paid to pursue a career of filmmaking, and has been worth it? [00:12:09] Tommy: Yeah, I mean, again, right? Uh, I joined the Screen Actors Guild in 2006. Mm-hmm. Uh, you're talking to me in 2026, right? So, um- 20 years. [00:12:20] Tommy: Yeah. It's, it's a 20-year overnight success, right? It's a long, long road of- Stand-up comedy, right? Like long nights alone in cars going like, "What am I doing with my life?" Like getting that quick hit of people laughing, and then having to sit in a car ride two hours home at 3:00 AM with a family back home going like, "What, am I a bad father? Am I a bad husband to get this sort of self-gratification?" It's a, it's a lot of questioning daily. I still question daily. I go like, "Am I nuts?" Then I go, "Yeah, I am. That's why, that's why I'm doing this," and it's cool. Like it's cool to be different. It's cool to, to be yourself as much as you can be and let the world decide whether they like you or not, right? Mm-hmm. Um, I spent a lot of time trying to fit in and trying to figure out, how do I get in with these people or fit in? And through mental health, uh, you know, awareness and coaching, and I actually did clinical hypnosis for about two years, which I think changed my life drastically, I started to realize that- I'm who I am because I'm different, right? And so that's okay, and that's cool. And, uh, it's, it's a lot of struggle. It- it's daily trying not to quit, trying not to give up, uh, grinding for that next person that believes in you, that next person that wants to be a part of your story. Um, but I'll tell you, uh, a writer of mine who's been a great inspiration for me for almost 20 years now told me early, early on, he said, "Tommy, like, doing a career like this is like wrestling a bear. You don't stop when you're tired. You stop when the bear gets tired, right? And that's how you win." And I'll tell you, after years and years of doing this, 20-plus years, um, of struggle and, and you start finding that the right people do find you, um, and you're good enough. And if you truly believe in what you do, you can't make it happen. You just have to have an insane ridiculous belief in yourself that you can do it, uh, through thick or thin. So yeah, it's been worth it. It's always worth it. Even if I fail it's worth it because I learned something from it, and I adjust on how to, how to move on to the next thing. So it's always worth it. Always try to do what you wanna do. Always go for it. [00:14:37] Elena: You know, somehow that, uh, brownish reddish hair in your, in your, in your head and that- Yeah ... tells me you're not gonna stop, and the intensity of your soul. [00:14:48] Tommy: Yeah. For better or for worse, right? [00:14:49] Elena: For worse, for worse. It's gonna bring so many more- ... uh, tears to this world. Again- Yeah ... again, for better or for worse, right? [00:14:56] Tommy: For better or for worse, I'm coming for you. Oh, god. Yeah. [00:14:59] Elena: Yes. All right. So next question that is, you know, a little bit related to, to what we talk about. Uh, fear shows up in many forms. [00:15:09] Tommy: It does. [00:15:09] Elena: When you're about to begin a new project, what fears still visits you, and how do you keep them from making your big decisions? [00:15:19] Tommy: I'll tell you what. Fear to me is part of the reason I got into seeking mental health counseling, right? Mm-hmm. I, I got to a point where I became so overwhelmed with life, um, I think I feel stuff so deeply, and I, I connect to stuff so deeply that little things are so powerful to me, right? And- So I became afraid of everything. I became afraid of living, right? Because I was afraid of everything. And so, uh, Mike Lynch, who, who I, I, I found after, you know, like I said, trial and error of different people, gave me a great saying. And it's not his, but it's one that we repeated often, which is like, "The only way to get rid of a ghost is to run right through it." Right? So if you're afraid of working out, the only way to not be afraid is to start working out like crazy, right? So what fear still visit me? Every fear still visits me every day. It's a bit like addiction, right? There's never a day where I'm not afraid of something. But when I see that fear, I've trained my mind now to walk right into it. At the end of the day, right, the worst, worst thing that can happen, I'll still find a pretty soft landing, 'cause I'll just get up and start going again, so. [00:16:28] Elena: Mm. There's a new day, right- Yeah ... for a new, for a new beginning. Like, if I'm afraid of something, I think, "Okay, something I have to do." But I was having a conversation with somebody about skydiving, and I said, "Ooh, that sounds scary." And I'm like, "Goddammit, now I have to do it." [00:16:41] Tommy: Exactly. [00:16:42] Elena: And I did. And you loved it I bet. And I think that, I love that, because I think it's, uh, in the back of the mind it's like s- s- it's not really fear that stops me. And I think that, uh, fear becomes our, our buddies, right? Our friends of encouragement, unfortunately, and thank God for that. [00:17:00] Tommy: Yeah. 100%. [00:17:02] Elena: As an actor, writer, and director, you spend a life understanding human emotions. What emotions do you perceive is the hardest for men in general, men to express? [00:17:14] Tommy: Yeah. I think for me it's funny, because coming from this sort of Irish American background, uh, with my family, uh, sadness and grief are, are really hard to display, I think for men in general. Um, but for me personally, I, I don't wanna answer for, for men in general, but for me personally, it's that sadness and grief because- In my life, that's always been manifested as anger. So, you know, my grandfather dies and my family stands there pissed off, like they're mad that something happened or angry and stoic, and they w- they refuse to open up and cry and show, uh, a weakness, uh, in themselves, right? So any, any emotion that is in that sort of sadness range, when I'm writing or acting, I have a hard time defaulting to, not defaulting to anger, right? Um, especially when I'm writing a female character. Um, that's really hard. I really have to push myself and iterate over and over again. I go through, like, you know, 100 iterations before I'm settled on something of how would, not me, but how would this person feel and display their emotion in this situation, right? So you have to kind of take yourself out of it, uh, even as an actor, 'cause it's not me, it's, it's the person. Um, and if I'm playing a softer, more gentle person than I am, although I usually get cast as mean, angry people anyways, I don't know if it's the red hair or not, but, uh, if I'm, if I'm playing a softer, more gentle person, how do they experience it, not how do I experience it? And for that, sometimes you have to reach outside of yourself and say, "I know someone like this. How would they act in that situation? Let me manifest them into this persona," if that makes sense. [00:19:11] Elena: Not all humans are, have the ability to. Not, not, not all... You know, not professionally all humans are actors, but- [00:19:17] Tommy: Yeah. Yeah, yeah ... [00:19:19] Elena: sometimes, sometimes, so but when we want something, we definitely become one. [00:19:25] Tommy: Ooh. For sure. Everyone does act to some extent. [00:19:28] Elena: Mm-hmm. For sure. Tommy, let's talk about intimacy [00:19:33] Tommy: Okay, let's go [00:19:35] Elena: Intimacy is about, uh, being fully seen [00:19:38] Tommy: Yeah [00:19:39] Elena: Who is your, uh, who in your life has truly seen the real Tommy behind the awards, the cameras, and the accomplishments, and what did they see that others miss? I want to know. [00:19:53] Tommy: Yeah. So obviously, my wife, right? She's with me constantly, so she sees the, the real me. Um, and then ironically, I think a lot of the people that I work with have, have seen the real me. Um- Mm ... you know, producers that I've worked with, um, you know, assistant directors, actors and actresses, uh, because in order to get the most sincere performance on film, you have to have a sincere connection in life, I feel like [00:20:22] Elena: Correct. Mm-hmm [00:20:23] Tommy: Um, what they would say that other people don't know about me, uh, my wife particularly probably, is that, like, I'm, uh, I'm, I'm very affable and, like, outgoing, but I'm really an introvert, like, in reality. I like to be kind of alone. I like to read. Uh, I need time away to, like, write and get my head on straight. Um- Yeah ... and like I've said to you, I think that a lot of people don't portray someone like me as someone that has anxieties and fears and, and I do. I'm, I'm, I'm a very sensitive, gentle person. I remember in college one time, I had this professor, Joe Klimavicz, who became a great mentor of mine, and we're still friends to this day, but he taught interpersonal communications and he had a class. We were in a big hall with, like, 150 students. Mm-hmm. And he said, "Today we're gonna get something off of our chest, so I'm passing out the exact same pencil and piece of paper to everybody in this room, and we're going to anonymously write something on that piece of paper and fold them the same way and pass them all down, and I'm gonna read them out loud to get that off of your chest, and no one's gonna know who wrote it. It's completely anonymous." I wrote one down, we passed it along, and he was reading them out loud and he read out loud... Now, there's 150 people in this room, and he read, "I'm not wearing any underwear right now," and everyone started dying laughing. And he said, "Tom, that's not funny." I said, "I didn't write that." He's like, "Oh, it's anonymous. Yeah, sure, I can't prove it was you. Big funny guy" And I was like, I was like, "I promise you, I swear I did not write that." And he was like, "Ah, get out of my room." I was like, "I'll leave, I don't care." I was like, "I'll leave, but I, I didn't do it." So I left- And I came back the next day for class, the next time we had class, and he said, "I want to apologize to everybody. Um, I promised that this was gonna be anonymous and I called-" Yeah ... Tom out on this. Um, and, and he really took accountability of it. But what I really wrote was that I feel like I'm actually very shy. That's what I wrote, was that, like, I'm a shy person. [00:22:25] Elena: Like, the opposite sorta. [00:22:27] Tommy: Yeah. But everyone pictures me as like, oh, someone's gonna do something funny, it's gonna be Tommy. Or, someone's gonna do something loud, it's gonna be Tommy. I, I'm actually not like that at all. I'm very quiet, I'm very introverted, very self-conscious, um, and very aware of everything. But, uh, nobody that doesn't really know me w- would get that. [00:22:47] Elena: Wow, that's beautiful. I am very intrigued by your soul, uh, Tommy, definitely. But, you know, there was s- one thing that, uh, probably you didn't answer but I think that is true, is that if people sees your films- Yeah ... what you have done, they will see through you as well. [00:23:07] Tommy: For sure. I think that, that artwork is a great way to manifest your soul- Mm-hmm ... to other people. I think even, like, people are surprised, uh, with like, the, the type of horror that I write 'cause it's very dark and very psychological. But that is who, that is who I am. I have kind of a dark soul. I listen to dark music and old poetry, and I read old books and classics, and that, that's kind of who I am. So yeah, I think it does come across- Mm-hmm ... you know, on the page or, or in film and- Definitely. Yeah. [00:23:38] Elena: Yeah. No, so it's just better paying attention. And, you know, even in, even for, I think for an actor, when there's a film that he, the actor or, uh, did not write or, um, it, it was only just, you know, playing a role- Yeah ... that he's playing, I think they're, they still deliver part of themselves that- [00:23:56] Tommy: Oh, for sure. You have to. If you're not, then you're not doing it justice. [00:24:00] Elena: L- let me ask you about that because it's important. [00:24:03] Tommy: Yeah. [00:24:03] Elena: This, the reason why I'm doing this, this podcast is specifically for a man's, men health and men wellbeing, and I can see you are a big, big, uh, participant of that. [00:24:13] Tommy: For sure. [00:24:13] Elena: You said that in your family, the, the, the most difficult emotion to, uh, to express in men is, um, sadness because it becomes- Yeah anger. Um, but- There's still an emotion expressing. So what happens in your... and not, you, n- this is already, this answer doesn't necessarily have to come from you, but you have, you, you write, you, you research, and you- Yeah ... speak with other men. What would be the thing that men in the world will, will, will love to scream for everybody to know, but we don't know about? [00:24:49] Tommy: Uh, probably, I need help, right? I need help. Help me. I think that a lot of times, uh, men get looked at as, like, having the answer or, or always being confident and knowing, and I think, like, at least for me, personally, I never know what I'm doing. I'm always kinda, like, flying by the seat of my pants just trying my best, and I think it's... I think that goes for men and women, right? Like, we're all just on earth, for the most part, trying our best, and everyone is just trying to protect their family or, you know, have a good day, and then a line of stuff happens, and it makes you have a bad day. And, like, I think everybody, men or women, like, help. We want help. We want other people to relate to. That's why we watch movies. That's why we read books. That's why we listen to music, right? We go, "Oh, I can relate to this." E- everybody wants to fit into the pack. Mm-hmm. Everyone wants to feel like they belong to the pack, and I think that sometimes the leader of the pack might be walking through the woods going, "I have no freaking clue where I'm going, but everyone behind me thinks I do, and, uh, so I gotta just keep walking, but I would really like some help right now." So I think it's, like, really important to find, uh, you know, somebody to talk to, even if it's not a professional. To find a, a buddy or a friend that's... Maybe it's another firefighter that you can sit down, or, or another police officer or Marine that you can sit down and be like, "Dude, what the hell are we doing right now?" And just have an honest conversation. Um, I'm lucky in my life that I have a few people like that where I can turn and go, "Man, I'm having a bad day right now. I, I don't know what the hell I'm doing." And they go, "Hey, but you know what? You're doing good. None of us know what we're doing. Let's keep pushing forward 'cause it's the only way." I would say help is what men would say, but I think it would probably be the same for women. You know, moms, they're looked at to, to know all the answers about their kids. How the hell do they know? They're just doing their best, too. There's no... We don't get a guidebook with life. We don't get a- ... a pamphlet of how to do stuff correctly. Um, we're just all trying our best. [00:26:56] Elena: I love that. I love this interview. Uh, I just want you to know that. [00:27:00] Tommy: Um- Me too. I'm, I- I'm loving it. I'm having a blast. [00:27:02] Elena: So your work explores- Oh, the complexity of human experience. Experiences in the humans. What part of human nature fascinates you the most, and what part still confuses you? [00:27:17] Tommy: Um, yeah, what part interests me the most is, is the stuff that we do when nobody's looking, right? Mm. Because everybody has, even right now, yeah, as much as, like, you're open and honest, there's still that stuff that you do when you're alone that, like, nobody knows about, even your significant others, even these people. That's so interesting to me, and that's what I love to explore in sort of the psychological stuff that I do too, right? Like, what do you do behind closed doors? How do you act when you're totally alone or when you really want something that you're not supposed to have, right? Mm. So I love that. But what confuses me the most is just why people want to... It- I'm guilty of it myself, but I just can't understand why people want to just, like, blend in and be like everybody else and not be themselves. I get so, like, confused and frustrated, and I wanna, like you said, like, slap you. I wanna, like, shake people, be like, "Wake up." Like, "We only get one shot at this thing." Like, "Let's, let's go." Like, "Why don't you go on the boat ride?" Or, like, "Why don't you..." Like, when people are like, "No, I don't wanna do that," it's like, why? Like, I don't understand. Well, like, what do you mean no? So, like, I'm, I, I, I don't understand not just, like, embracing every day and, like, running at it with full speed because, like, man, I tell you, I swear to God, someday people are gonna be laying there and go, like, "Why did I, why did I do that for 40 years and get, like, a, a pension and then just retire down to Florida and live in a condo?" It's like- ... man, there's so much more to it. It makes me nervous. I say that to- Yeah ... Caroline sometimes. I see people and I'm like, "Please, please don't ever let me end up like this." Like, I would rather burn out than end up like, "Oh, I'm so glad I worked for this place for 40 years, and they gave me a chocolate on my 30th anniversary." Like, I just can't. It makes me sick. So. It's not good. [00:29:11] Elena: What would you tell younger Tommy his life is going to be? What to do, what not to do? And, uh, what never to forget. [00:29:21] Tommy: Uh, yeah. I would say, like, look, you gotta believe in yourself fully. I wasted so much time trying to do the r- like, thing that everybody does. I would say never do that. Be full yourself. Do, you know, do what your soul is, is driving you to do. Um, don't, don't give up when there's roadblocks. Look at those roadblocks as opportunities, right? And, uh, what not to do, don't let other people tell you who you are. Don't let other people tell you your limits. Uh, and don't let other people, especially other people that have never done what you're trying to do, give you advice. [00:30:08] Elena: Great one. [00:30:08] Tommy: Yeah. [00:30:10] Elena: You have inspired me so much in this interview. Um, I'm gonna do a few questions, and then I'm gonna do a rapid fire, um, questions where I ask, say one or two things, and then you answer whatever comes first. Number one, who you perceive will be the right person to be interviewed here? [00:30:25] Tommy: I got this, this girl that I act with, Devin, Devin Petrie her name is. She's super, like, lives her own life. John Keough, uh, is a guy that I produced with. That would be a really good interview also for men, men specifically. [00:30:36] Elena: Yes, yes. [00:30:36] Tommy: Has a wild, wild story, and pretty inspiring. [00:30:40] Elena: What is a single question that men will always wanna know from women? [00:30:45] Tommy: I think for me, i- it's important to always know, like, what makes women feel safe and comforted, right? Because I think there's a big misperception of, like, especially nowadays, of, like, this alpha, fake sort of alpha male thing. Like, what makes women genuinely feel comforted and loved and, and safe? Um, I think that's a really important thing for women to answer and to get out to the world that, um, here, here's the reality of it. We don't need a guy that drives a monster truck and shoots guns out the window and, like... Um, that would be interesting to me, to, to hear a panel of women answer that. [00:31:21] Elena: All right. Are you ready for some rapid fire questions that- [00:31:25] Tommy: I'm ready, always ... [00:31:25] Elena: you know, again, r- as fast as you can. I'm just gonna shoot, shoot, shoot, and you just send back to me, okay? [00:31:31] Tommy: Yeah. [00:31:32] Elena: Transformation. [00:31:33] Tommy: Transformation. Uh, I see just running fast towards what you want. [00:31:36] Elena: Mental health. [00:31:37] Tommy: Mental health is understudied, under, under, uh, insured. [00:31:43] Elena: Firefighter. [00:31:44] Tommy: Brave, forgotten about. Um, I think we only think about them in, in, in situations where tragedy happens, and I think we need to think about them always. [00:31:53] Elena: Career. [00:31:54] Tommy: A misnomer. [00:31:56] Elena: Health. [00:31:58] Tommy: Uh, health is important. You know, uh, eat healthy, be healthy, think healthy, and, and live, live happy. [00:32:04] Elena: Women. [00:32:05] Tommy: Beautiful. I love women. [00:32:07] Elena: Suffering. [00:32:08] Tommy: Suffering is a part of life. I think if you don't suffer, you don't experience good times, so- [00:32:11] Elena: Social- [00:32:12] Tommy: Suffering- [00:32:12] Elena: Social media. [00:32:13] Tommy: Social media, uh, necessary, but I hate it. [00:32:18] Elena: Knowledge. We all do. [00:32:19] Tommy: Knowledge is power. Knowledge is everything. Read. [00:32:23] Elena: Fear. [00:32:24] Tommy: Fear is great. Embrace it. [00:32:26] Elena: Time. [00:32:27] Tommy: Time is running out, so get to doing what you wanna do. [00:32:30] Elena: Men. [00:32:31] Tommy: Men are misunderstood. [00:32:33] Elena: Self-myth. [00:32:35] Tommy: I guess everybody, everybody has them. [00:32:37] Elena: Spirituality. [00:32:38] Tommy: Important, but also, uh, you know, important to be genuine. [00:32:44] Elena: Philosophy. [00:32:45] Tommy: Unbelievable. Read, read old philosophy. [00:32:48] Elena: God. [00:32:49] Tommy: Whatever you want him to be, or her. [00:32:51] Elena: Service. [00:32:52] Tommy: Uh, service is important to take care of people, yeah. [00:32:55] Elena: Music. [00:32:57] Tommy: Again, like, I just feel beauty when you say music. Mm-hmm. And you know what? I say music, and I start seeing the, the, the Irish men dancing. Yeah. We have a musical culture. You know what I mean? [00:33:08] Elena: I, actually, I just remember, you know, there's a thing between the Irish and the, and the Mexican, actually. First of all, the flag is almost the same colors. Yeah. We're really Catholic. There was more... You know that there's a, there's a thing. There's a actually- I mean, there's a... [00:33:20] Tommy: super similar. It's very, very mus- a music-based culture. They're tough people. There's a f- Hardworking people. [00:33:26] Elena: Yeah ... a fusion of the... There's a f-, a fusion in the foods also. Yeah. I, I, I've seen restaurants in the world. Okay, uh, values. [00:33:33] Tommy: Uh, yeah, everyone's individual, you know? [00:33:36] Elena: Love language. [00:33:37] Tommy: Mine is definitely physical touch. I'm a big hugger. [00:33:40] Elena: I like that. [00:33:41] Tommy: Yeah. [00:33:42] Elena: Uh, b- I, I, I like that because I said that most men is physical touch, and I had this conversation with somebody saying, "No, it's different." And every time a man said, uh, you know, physical touch, I'm like, "I knew it." I knew it. [00:33:53] Tommy: Yep. [00:33:54] Elena: Uh, legacy. [00:33:56] Tommy: Oh, it is what it is. [00:33:58] Elena: Emotions. [00:33:59] Tommy: Feel them. All of them. [00:34:00] Elena: Exer- exercise. [00:34:02] Tommy: Important. Very important. [00:34:03] Elena: Food. [00:34:04] Tommy: I mean, I love food. Yeah. [00:34:06] Elena: Authenticity. [00:34:07] Tommy: Authenticity is, is the most important. [00:34:10] Elena: Parents. [00:34:11] Tommy: Guides, uh, for better or for worse. [00:34:14] Elena: Leadership. [00:34:15] Tommy: Uh, I... Leadership is, is weird, and let me just say for one second, l- it's, it's miscalculated, I think, in this society, but leadership leads w- from within. [00:34:26] Elena: Mm. I love that. [00:34:27] Tommy: Not from the... Yeah. [00:34:28] Elena: Conversation. [00:34:30] Tommy: Under- underrated. Good conversation is everything. I like to have good conversations with strangers. I, I like talking to people and learning about them. It opens your perspective. [00:34:37] Elena: Oh. I just signed up for something like that purposely because I w- I'm curious, you know? [00:34:43] Tommy: It opens your perspective on life. You see stuff that you would never have known. [00:34:47] Elena: We'll see. I'm gonna get to learn a lot of strangers- Mm-hmm ... with conversations. Um- [00:34:51] Tommy: I love that ... [00:34:51] Elena: men. [00:34:53] Tommy: I love that. What, what did you say? Next one. [00:34:55] Elena: Manhood. [00:34:56] Tommy: Manhood? Mischaracterized. [00:34:59] Elena: Death. [00:35:01] Tommy: It happens to all of us. [00:35:03] Elena: Life. [00:35:04] Tommy: The part before death that you should really take advantage of [00:35:09] Elena: And, and last but not least, love [00:35:13] Tommy: Love is everything, right? Love for... Love and passion for the world, for music, for people, for the ones you're intimate with. Love, love is everything. [00:35:25] Elena: Love is everything, Tommy. [00:35:26] Tommy: Yeah. [00:35:27] Elena: Tommy, I cannot express how fulfilling and, um, inspiring has been my experience of being here asking you questions and sharing a little bit and learning a little more about who you are. And I'm actually more curious now. I'm gonna go and explore anything that says Tommy Jay Dr-, uh, Dr- [00:35:50] Tommy: Dwyer ... [00:35:50] Elena: Dwyer, Dwyer Yeah, hey. My accent. It's my accent. [00:35:54] Tommy: Look, that's all right. [00:35:57] Elena: And, um, before we go, and just to close this beautiful episode, thank you. First of all, thank you for your generosity of sharing your soul and your being and your ADHD with us. [00:36:10] Tommy: You're welcome. [00:36:10] Elena: We, we, we need more of that. [00:36:12] Tommy: Thank you. I agree. [00:36:13] Elena: And, um, as we, as we part ways, uh, in, uh, today, what would you like to leave this audience with? What would you like to say from that philosophical, poetic, storytelling, beautiful soul of yours that they need to hear right now? [00:36:31] Tommy: Yeah, I think, first of all, like, love yourselves. It's okay to be struggling, but have grace with yourself, love yourself, and love everyone else. Love other people. I think if we just talked more and reached out to people more, we'd realize that there's way more in common than there is different. And- This world right now needs love, it needs understanding, it needs compassion. So care for people, love people. Go talk to a stranger today. Go talk to somebody. Go help, go help an elderly person, and man, you'll really realize they have some cool stories and they, and, and just, I don't know, love each other, love yourself. That's all I got. [00:37:09] Elena: Thank you, Tommy. Mm-hmm. I appreciate that. Thank you for your time and, um, good luck with all your films. [00:37:15] Tommy: Thank you. [00:37:15] Elena: I can't wait to see you everywhere and, um, bringing that beautiful, um, inspiration and that fire of yours that it was definitely inherited from your father and his- [00:37:26] Tommy: For sure ... [00:37:27] Elena: perfection. And he put it into that bear of yours- ... and it went to the world. [00:37:33] Tommy: Exactly. [00:37:35] Elena: Thank you. Thank you for your, your, your kind, uh, s- and generous and fiery soul. And please, please don't ever stop. Just keep going and building and making these films that we wanna watch, okay? [00:37:47] Tommy: I got you. Yeah. Thank you very much. [00:37:50] Elena: You're welcome. And for all of you, join me again soon with another beautiful and inspiring interview. See you soon. Listen to you soon. Call me if you want to be in this podcast, Intimate Conversations With Men. Thank you. [00:38:05] Voiceover: And that's a wrap on today's conversation. These are the kinds of exchanges that don't happen by accident. They happen because Elena Sofia Reyes created the space for them. If something landed for you today, don't keep it to yourself. Share this episode with someone who's ready for a real conversation. You'll find everything you need in the show notes. We'll see you next time on Intimate Conversations With Men.