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4 PHASES OF A HABIT · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Alright everybody.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Looking forward to hanging out with you for a minute.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I did want to say something a little strange, maybe.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you see my shirt?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: See that baby?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just letting you know what a dork I am.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: But uh I'm also uh I'm doing today's show in honor of my grandson, Gus Gus.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And uh he and I have matching shirts.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I just wanted my grandson to see how cool we can both be with our Hulk shirts.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, continuing in the vein we're always in.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: How can I how can I pull the weeds in my soul and have more of the life that God wants me to have?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Live more like uh the the abundant life that God promises.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, what we're gonna do, it's gonna be a little tricky today, because I'm gonna give you a couple things to think about, use my own story woven in there, and uh I will post a link to a sheet of notes.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Probably I've got a pretty busy day, so it may not be till later today, but uh come back and check it out, and you there's a sheet that'll help you, and we're probably gonna stay in this vein for a couple of weeks.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: We're still talking about Sabbath, we're still talking about how to use stopping inside and outside and writing to um just to bring us into freedom to identify, challenge, and change.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Identify, challenge, and change the uh the tormenting patterns that we have.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: All right?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: All right, there's a book called Atomic Habits, really good book, and it's it's one of many.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's a bunch of books out there on habits and habit formation and breaking habits and all that.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, it's probably an oversimplification, but in a sense, that's what we're really talking about.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I mentioned last week, uh, you know, or in the last couple weeks, your your lazy brain.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is your brain likes to do something often enough, repeatedly enough, to where it stores the memory of it, and then it can just hit the button and uh and go back into it and without you even thinking about it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: So the books on habit, what they do is they they try to break it down into the fewest possible steps.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I like the Atomic Habit book.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it's well written, good stuff.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And um I don't have it here.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know what?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I got the cover of it.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it looks like.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And um, but here's the four steps of of behavior that we feel trapped in.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like Romans 7 says, the thing that I want to do, I don't do.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: The thing that I don't want to do, I do do.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, how miserable can you be?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who's gonna deliver me from this?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And um the point is, and this is the thing that's been tricky, being a Christian, and being a Christian on this on the charismatic end of things that believes me in the supernatural.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um some things are an event and some things are a process.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say that in the context of what we're talking about, the journey into and toward freedom is a process, not an event.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And there's there's, you know, Ephesians 4, we've been talking about put off the old man, be renewed in the spirit of your mind, put on the new man.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And uh that's a fairly involved commitment of time and energy to identify, challenge, and change.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Identify, challenge, and change your thoughts, belief, and behavior.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, atomic habits, and again, there's lots of books out there on habit.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's some on what they call mini habits, a lot of really good stuff to just provoke your thinking.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But in the atomic habits, he his cycle is this you there's a trigger, and I'll I'll explain this in a minute.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's a trigger which creates a craving, and that's the one that he includes.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Most have three steps.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: He adds this one, the fourth, for him, and I like it, and I'll explain why in a second.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, a triggering event or incident creates a craving, which stimulates a response, which gets us a reward.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the bottom line is this I've learned 40 years working with people, we don't repeat anything that doesn't reward us.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, don't don't automatically say, well, that can't be true because it just doesn't make sense.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the deal, guys.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're your mind, will, and emotions don't necessarily have to be logical or rational.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: But well, they are logical, but they may not be rational.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, what you're getting as a reward might be the avoidance of something you don't want.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you may want to have a conversation with someone that needs to happen, and gosh, if I could just get them to stop doing this or violating my boundaries.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You want to have this conversation so badly, but you hate conflict.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So you hate conflict so badly that you avoid it at all costs.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: So the reward is avoiding conflict when you're triggered in that area of boundaries.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't always serve you well, but there is a logic to your cycle.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason I'm telling you that is you're gonna have to learn to think that way because that's the secret to figuring out what what what is that trigger connected to?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And uh it's always a need of some kind.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let me say it one more time.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's a triggering situation which creates a craving, which stimulates a response, which gets you a reward.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I'm gonna use myself, my own journey.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna talk about my my biggest ongoing challenge.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is I still have to keep an eye on this little booger, it will still rise up and and um you know sabotage me at times.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let me just say hello to my boy Gus, in case he's watching.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: All right, and in case you didn't hear at the beginning, this is a t-shirt my grandson and I, Gus, wear together.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I know I'm a bit of a dork, but you know what I mean.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, so trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my biggest area of triggering is having to do with my relationship with my father, and it has to do with my feeling like I'm not competent.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so my trigger, in other words, what triggers that cycle in me, I can be cruising along doing great and get in a room full of leaders or competent, you know, type A driven, achieving people that get stuff done.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and I have to be on guard because what it triggers in me is you're a disappointment.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're not good at getting things done.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're you're not you you're not good with details, you're not, and again, a lot of it goes back to my father, you're lazy, you'll never mount anything, and all that kind of stuff.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And the truth of the matter is a lot of the times I'm in a room full of people that really are good at things that I'm not good at.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not really the point.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll chase that rabbit another time.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, my trigger, I'm walking into a room with people I respect, people I admire even, for what they're capable of doing that I'm not.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, that's the trigger.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: What's the craving?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger craving response reward.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: What's the craving that it creates in me?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I I want to belong.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be accepted, I want to be seen, I want to be valued, I want to feel like I'm one of the boys.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And in a way I am, but in a way I'm not.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm not I'm not good at what they're good at.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: They're they're great at baseball.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I play soccer, and it's like we don't always have the same language, and so the trigger is being around people different from me, better at me, better than me at things.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: The craving it produces or awakens in me is the need to belong and to feel valued and appreciated.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how many of you know, have ever heard this statement before?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I see what I'm looking for.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: You see what you're looking for.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh gee, I, you know, my wife and I, I I want to get a certain kind of car, and you start looking it up on the internet.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Next next for the next week, all you see is that car.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because you've told your brain, be on your toes, find me that car, and it goes looking for it.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the same thing happens with rejection.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I have a deep craving to feel belonging, which means I fear rejection, which we all do.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so what happens is I see what I'm looking for.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I go in the room, and instead of noticing the two or three people that have looked at me and said, Hey, what's up, man?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I see the people that just kind of looked at me and turned away.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're not even worth having a conversation with.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And you see what you're looking for, and that craving is inflamed.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: All right, what does that create?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it creates a feeling of insecurity, inferiority.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Does it make me kind of present my best self in the room?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what's my response?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, your response is that bad feeling of rejection.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, my response is I start judging.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I start judging everyone in the room.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you you know, you're just a selfish turd.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, all you care about is how many people you got in your church or how many books you've written, or and and now I don't do this consciously, I don't do it intentionally, but it's a habit.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: A habit.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger craving response.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: What's the reward of judging those people?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: I feel justified.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I it's my way of saying, I'm not gonna allow you to hurt me because I'm gonna devalue you.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of dealing with what I'm really feeling about myself, I'm gonna devalue you so you can't hurt me.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So my reward is to feel superior to them.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I hope you understand, guys, there's a rational logic to that, but it's not healthy, man.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not getting me what I want.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, I'm gonna run through real quick, and then we're done for today.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger craving, response reward, trigger craving, response reward.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: What I want you to slowly learn to do is find those cravings, responses, and reward.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because what they're really built around is legitimate needs.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, remember something we talk about all the time.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Most destructive cycles we get caught in, listen now, are meeting a right need the wrong way.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: A right need the wrong way.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: A right need the wrong way.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Is it wrong to want to belong?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Is it wrong to go through this cycle of judging and diminish diminished?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not helpful.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, we're gonna build on this as we go forward in the next few weeks.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Love my boy Gus.