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4 Questions To Ask Before You Say "I Do" · “I” Of The Hurricane

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: And trust me when I say I know what it's like to make your own life difficult.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Does your life feel like Groundhog Day on repeat?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Eye of the Hurricane Podcast.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Before you say I do, especially in your 20s, there are four questions you simply have to reflect on.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not assuming that your relationship's not fantastic.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know the person you're with.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just advising with this particular decision to give it the time it deserves.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'll be straight up with you.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Being stuck in a bad marriage is a nightmare that recurs on the daily.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a beast that you don't want to tangle with if you don't have to.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: So assume you had a bad job, no problem, you can quit.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you don't like your apartment.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, eventually the lease runs out.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: But a bad marriage doesn't work that way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: It follows you home every single night and you lay next to it in bed wondering what it is that you did when you can't sleep.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: So with that said, let's think through this before you're in a spot where turning back isn't an option.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a lot of good people and they ignore that little voice and they call it nerves.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's true, but sometimes it's their intuition.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And intuition tends to be the smartest person in a whole lot of rooms, and it deserves to carry weight.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So here are the four questions I want you to sit with.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you'll be so confident at the end of this video that you'll feel even better about getting married.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not trying to be a pessimist.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to be a realist.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the first question: do they shine your penny?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: When you're around this person, do you shine a little brighter?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do they brag on you when you're not in the room?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: When something great happens, are they the first person that you want to call because you know they'll truly be happy for you?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or do your wins get shrugged off?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do they minimize you?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do you catch yourself making yourself smaller so they don't feel threatened?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, does the person criticize you in really small ways to your face and to the people around you?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes it even gets played off as a joke.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: See, the right person is going to be your hype man or hype woman, and they should feel like your ride or die person.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: They should make you feel more like yourself and not less.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you feel dimmer now than when the relationship started, that's worth paying attention to.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And trust me, it only gets worse.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: The second one, can you talk openly or are they not open to your feedback or feelings?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they gaslight you and get defensive, and every emotional share turns back into things being your fault.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So think about the last time you disagreed.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Could you say what you really felt and have them actually hear it?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or did you have to tiptoe?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Were you rehearsing it in your head first, nervous, and you had to wait for the right moment?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta watch that and you gotta watch the other small stuff too.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do they need to know where you are every minute?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Do they pick your friends?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do they forbid you from wearing certain outfits?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or do they criticize all the other people in your life that you love and that love you?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: If friends and loved ones are a threat to them, simply run.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's not about being protective, that's about control.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And control doesn't loosen up after you get married, it tightens.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: A marriage is going to run on two people being able to say hard things to each other.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't do that now, it won't magically start later.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if they control now, it will continue to spiral.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: The third one, are you certain they're a good person?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Not a fun person, not a super attractive person, a good person in their heart.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: So watch how they treat the waitress or watch how they treat the kid at the drive-thru who screwed up the order.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, how do they treat their own mom?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: The people that can't do a single thing for them, what kind of respect level do they show?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then do they tell the truth when a lie would be easier?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, are they a person that keeps their word?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So when they mess up, do they own it, or is it always somebody else's fault?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have to think hard about whether the person you're marrying is a good person, that's your answer right there.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can work through a lot of different things, but you can't build one with someone whose character you don't trust.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And the fourth one, this is the one that keeps a lot of people stuck.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that is, are you letting everybody else and what they say make the decision for you?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: So your mom and dad, they love this person.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: What would their family think if all of a sudden I took space or didn't follow through on this engagement?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: We've been together for all these years and I don't want to deal with starting over.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: That stuff is heavy.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: But what's really heavy is getting this decision wrong, especially when you knew early on that it wasn't the right fit.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if there are things that need work, go to counseling and be totally transparent with what you need.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: You learn so much through counseling about one another, but also about the partner's willingness to go.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It tells you how much they're committed to showing up for you later on.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: So trust me, take your time on this one.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you're on the fence, don't move forward.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: You'll thank me later.