Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Kelly Bensimon Wants To Help You Get A Date

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Kelly Bensimon Wants To Help You Get A Date · I Do, Part 2

0:13
Speaker 1: I Do. Part two is a one of a kind
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Speaker 1: experience in podcasting and love. If you didn't get love
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Speaker 1: right the first time, our hosts and celebrity mentors are
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Speaker 1: here to help you get it right the next time.
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Speaker 1: I'm one of your celebrity mentors, Kelly ben Simone. You
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Speaker 1: may know me from the Real Housewives of New York
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Speaker 1: and The Ultimate Girls Trip. I have been having so
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Speaker 1: much fun doing this podcast with all the incredible people
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Speaker 1: on the show. It's almost like this podcast is therapy
0:39
Speaker 1: for me. So today I just want to kind of
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Speaker 1: talk about what's been on my heart, my heart and
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Speaker 1: on my mind. I may get a little emotional. What
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Speaker 1: I want you listeners to know is that you're not alone.
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Speaker 1: Heartbreak sucks and I'm literally going through it just like you.
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Speaker 1: So let's get started. We're going to go from heartbreak
1:00
Speaker 1: to manifesting love. And I'm so excited to do this
1:04
Speaker 1: with you guys. You know, I just want you guys
1:07
Speaker 1: to know, like really, where I've come from and who
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Speaker 1: I am. So I got married at a very young age,
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Speaker 1: and I was married for ten years to a man
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Speaker 1: that's older and French. I have two beautiful girls and
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Speaker 1: who I love so much. But it was a really difficult,
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Speaker 1: difficult marriage because it was more about me being his
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Speaker 1: wife and doing things for him than us being partners.
1:35
Speaker 1: And I didn't really know like what a partner meant
1:39
Speaker 1: or felt like when I was in my early twenties.
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Speaker 1: And you know, you have to also remember, like I
1:46
Speaker 1: started modeling when I was fifteen, and so the men
1:49
Speaker 1: that I was meeting were guys from college, and they
1:52
Speaker 1: were all at a totally different pace in life than
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Speaker 1: I was. And so when I met my ex husband,
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Speaker 1: you know, he was older, he was he was sophisticated,
2:02
Speaker 1: but it was all about him, and it was really
2:06
Speaker 1: really difficult to be in a one sided relationship. And
2:10
Speaker 1: I you know, I had my first daughter, who I
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Speaker 1: love so much. And by the way, I didn't even
2:14
Speaker 1: know I could have kids. Had I went to this
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Speaker 1: to a woman and she said, You're never going to
2:19
Speaker 1: have children, and so I never even thought that, like
2:21
Speaker 1: kids were on my radar. And I had my first child.
2:24
Speaker 1: And the minute I had my first child, what was
2:28
Speaker 1: bad before was even worse because it was just me
2:31
Speaker 1: and my daughter alone in New York while he was,
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Speaker 1: you know, off his doing what he was supposed to
2:37
Speaker 1: be doing, which was great for him, but it was
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Speaker 1: really really bad for me. And then I had my
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Speaker 1: beautiful second child, who I love so much, and after
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Speaker 1: I had her, I was like, I'm done. I can't
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Speaker 1: do this anymore. But it's not like, oh I'm done,
2:52
Speaker 1: I'm finished. You know, I'm so empowered and I'm so great.
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Speaker 1: It's like, this is two thousand and seven. There's no
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Speaker 1: dating apps, there's no nothing. I was on my own.
3:00
Speaker 1: I was providing for my kids. I was writing at
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Speaker 1: the time, I was working at all accessories. You know,
3:06
Speaker 1: I was wearing multiple hats at that time and raising
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Speaker 1: two young girls. And so for me to leave a relationship,
3:14
Speaker 1: whether it was a healthy one or not healthy, it
3:17
Speaker 1: was still something that kept me safe. But I just
3:22
Speaker 1: needed to move on. And I just wanted to do
3:24
Speaker 1: something that was right for my girls and that would
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Speaker 1: make help my girls be the best version of themselves.
3:30
Speaker 1: And that wasn't a sexy decision at the time. You know,
3:34
Speaker 1: people were like, oh my god, why would you like
3:36
Speaker 1: why would you like ruin something? You know, you know,
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Speaker 1: you have a house, and you have kids, and you
3:41
Speaker 1: have a car, and you have you know, you're working
3:43
Speaker 1: and you're doing all these things. But it wasn't about
3:46
Speaker 1: all of those things. I mean, there were a lot
3:48
Speaker 1: of indiscretions that were happening, and there was a lot
3:50
Speaker 1: of time when I was so alone. And when you're
3:54
Speaker 1: alone a lot as a married person or just in general,
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Speaker 1: I mean, you start to like really leave the stupid
4:01
Speaker 1: things that go through your head. And I was very,
4:04
Speaker 1: very insecure. I couldn't drive a car, I couldn't be alone.
4:09
Speaker 1: I had to have like my you know, people around
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Speaker 1: me all the time. I didn't want to hold my
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Speaker 1: oldest daughter. So I had severe postpartum with my oldest
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Speaker 1: and I I think it really translated to my second.
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Speaker 1: So I was going through a lot of things emotionally.
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Speaker 1: But the good news is that I was able to
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Speaker 1: move forward and make that decision. I felt really, really
4:29
Speaker 1: good about the decision. But then when I was out
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Speaker 1: in the wild, I was like, what is going on. I'm,
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Speaker 1: you know, thirty seven years old. Who are these people?
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Speaker 1: My dad's like, what are you doing? You're like thirty seven? Like, well,
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Speaker 1: who's going to want like, you know, a woman with
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Speaker 1: you know, thirty seven years old with two kids? And
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Speaker 1: people were like, oh, if you don't find someone tomorrow,
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Speaker 1: you know, you not be able to have any children,
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Speaker 1: and you're going to kind of be like used goods.
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Speaker 1: And again, there were no apps, there was no opportunity,
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Speaker 1: and you're my friends weren't exactly like, oh my god,
5:01
Speaker 1: let me set you up with, you know, someone that
5:04
Speaker 1: would be great for you. People I think really liked
5:07
Speaker 1: watching me feel really miserable and be really really alone.
5:12
Speaker 1: I know that you guys, if some of you guys
5:13
Speaker 1: have seen my psoriasis, it was so bad, so bad
5:17
Speaker 1: that it literally like wrapped around my entire body like
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Speaker 1: a snake, and I was on all these different steroids.
5:24
Speaker 1: My my elbows were bleeding. It was just like my
5:28
Speaker 1: entire was breaking down physically and mentally and emotionally. And
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Speaker 1: it was a very very very difficult time. And I
5:35
Speaker 1: think that a lot of guys too, were like if
5:37
Speaker 1: they did want to date me, it was like I
5:39
Speaker 1: was kind of a trophy, even though I wasn't a
5:41
Speaker 1: trophy because I was like a mess. But they thought like, oh, well,
5:45
Speaker 1: she's she was a model, so she can you know,
5:48
Speaker 1: we can kind of figure this out. And I was
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Speaker 1: just such a mess. I'm so glad that I wasn't
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Speaker 1: a Trophy. But it was a really, really challenging time
5:58
Speaker 1: for me, and I just hope that nobody else has
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Speaker 1: to go through something like that. I did not feel love.
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Speaker 1: I did not even know what love meant. People are like, well, well,
6:09
Speaker 1: you were so in love. I'm like, well, I wore
6:11
Speaker 1: the dress he wanted me to wear, and I, you know,
6:14
Speaker 1: got married and built the life for him. But I
6:18
Speaker 1: didn't feel love and I didn't even know what being
6:21
Speaker 1: in love felt like. And to be honest with you,
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Speaker 1: I have never been in love. I've never felt love.
6:32
Speaker 1: I know that I know what it's supposed to feel.
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Speaker 1: It looked like, I know what looks like on social
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Speaker 1: media with rose petals, but I personally have never been
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Speaker 1: in love or felt what love really really feels like.
6:50
Speaker 1: I'm just getting really emotional because like, I've never articulated
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Speaker 1: that before, and you know, I guess you know, the
7:00
Speaker 1: past couple of months have been very difficult for me.
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Speaker 1: And it's been difficult because I don't have that outlet
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Speaker 1: to go on social media and you know, cry to
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Speaker 1: people and show like how I'm feeling. I you know,
7:15
Speaker 1: try to mask it so because I don't want people
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Speaker 1: to you know, be afraid of, you know, running away
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Speaker 1: from something they didn't want. And I think it's really
7:26
Speaker 1: difficult for me, you know, even though you know, I
7:29
Speaker 1: was with him for ten years, but I stayed with
7:32
Speaker 1: him because I thought it was the right thing to do,
7:34
Speaker 1: and it was so harmful to me and to like
7:38
Speaker 1: my mental health that when I was like started to
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Speaker 1: even date, and at you know, thirty seven, which is
7:45
Speaker 1: not young by the way, I had such like arrested development.
7:50
Speaker 1: I didn't even know like who I was. I would
7:54
Speaker 1: date a guy and if I didn't like it, I
7:56
Speaker 1: just was like dump him. I was completely unavailable. I
8:02
Speaker 1: chose men that were wildly abusive verbally, physically. I guess
8:09
Speaker 1: maybe that's also you know, I when I was very
8:12
Speaker 1: very young, in like literally in you know, like six
8:16
Speaker 1: years old, I was abused at my school by another classmate,
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Speaker 1: and I always felt so dirty about sex and having
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Speaker 1: that those kind of you know, being touched like that.
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Speaker 1: And then later on in life, when you're supposed to
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Speaker 1: feel loved and everyone's like, oh, you guys are so
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Speaker 1: in love and you have this perfect family and you're
8:39
Speaker 1: supposed to be doing all these things, and they were
8:41
Speaker 1: there was no perfection perfection is just a it's just
8:44
Speaker 1: a word people try to use so that it masks like,
8:48
Speaker 1: you know, all the imperfection, and people don't people either.
8:51
Speaker 1: They want to commiserate with you, like, oh my god,
8:53
Speaker 1: yeah that really happened to me, but they don't want
8:56
Speaker 1: to hear your bad news. They just don't like they
8:59
Speaker 1: have their own bad news, whether you know. And I
9:02
Speaker 1: just felt very very very alone and very very lonely.
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Speaker 1: So over the years, I've had a handful of boyfriends,
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Speaker 1: and I mean, I can't you can't even call them
9:14
Speaker 1: boyfriends because I mean they were dating me. I definitely
9:17
Speaker 1: was not dating them. I had no interest in dating
9:21
Speaker 1: them zero. I was so laser focused on providing for
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Speaker 1: my girls and making sure that they had what they
9:31
Speaker 1: needed in terms of education and in terms of upbringing
9:35
Speaker 1: that I thought was the right thing to do for them,
9:37
Speaker 1: that I was so laser focused on making money, making
9:40
Speaker 1: making whatever it took for them that if there was
9:44
Speaker 1: a guy that was a nice guy or not a
9:46
Speaker 1: guy's de guy, I didn't even notice him, had no
9:50
Speaker 1: no interest, would fake and tell them I love them.
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Speaker 1: I didn't love them. I would, you know, pretend that
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Speaker 1: we were like boyfriend and girlfriend when I could not
10:01
Speaker 1: have cared less what they did. I would say like, oh,
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Speaker 1: you have to go on a trip, okay, great, call
10:06
Speaker 1: me when you're done. Like never even call them or
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Speaker 1: you know, ask how they were just completely unavailable and
10:14
Speaker 1: the irony of it. They were all thought that I
10:16
Speaker 1: was like so into them and that I was just
10:18
Speaker 1: super hard to get to, super cold, so that they
10:22
Speaker 1: couldn't you know, get into me. But I just wasn't
10:24
Speaker 1: available at all, and I was miserable, totally totally miserable.
10:30
Speaker 1: I would have sex how many whatever I wanted to why,
10:35
Speaker 1: you know, just because like not even like caring about
10:39
Speaker 1: who they were or about their feelings. It's not like
10:42
Speaker 1: I was having sex with random people. But I would
10:45
Speaker 1: pick guys and I would date them, and knowing that
10:47
Speaker 1: they were the wrong people. I mean, if they had
10:50
Speaker 1: drug issues and whatever they were doing, I didn't care
10:55
Speaker 1: because I was like, I'll find something great about them
10:57
Speaker 1: so I can just you know, have sex with them,
10:59
Speaker 1: and they're unavailable. And it was just a very dark, dark,
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Speaker 1: dark dark time. And you know, at the same time,
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Speaker 1: I'm at home crying in my closet, like I want love,
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Speaker 1: I want to feel love. What does love feel like?
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Speaker 1: And so it was just like very strong juxtaposition of
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Speaker 1: feelings where you're putting something out there that is so
11:25
Speaker 1: negative and you're at home desperate for something that's so positive.
11:31
Speaker 1: And it was just a very it was it was
11:35
Speaker 1: a very you know, difficult time. And then I was
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Speaker 1: on television and I had guys that would try and
11:40
Speaker 1: they would be like, oh, I dated a hub's wife,
11:44
Speaker 1: and you know, sometimes I would be like, Okay, maybe
11:47
Speaker 1: I should just date them to date them, I mean,
11:50
Speaker 1: dating some guy that wanted to date someone that was
11:52
Speaker 1: on a TV show. Like how pathetic is that? And
11:55
Speaker 1: like imagine my sense of like my self esteem was
11:58
Speaker 1: a zero. And then I was engaged to my most
12:02
Speaker 1: recent ex who really really wanted to marry me, and uh,
12:12
Speaker 1: I just wasn't available for him either. You know. I
12:16
Speaker 1: was happy for him and his success, but I didn't
12:20
Speaker 1: really care about anything that happened with what he was
12:23
Speaker 1: doing or his family. I didn't want to like be
12:26
Speaker 1: a part of his kids. I didn't want to hear
12:29
Speaker 1: about his you know, that part of his life. It
12:32
Speaker 1: just has zero interest. And now that I reflect back
12:39
Speaker 1: on that, I just, you know, it's not fair to
12:43
Speaker 1: be with someone who's emotionally unavailable. It's just not fair.
12:46
Speaker 1: It's just not fair. And you know, whether he's a
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Speaker 1: superman or whether he's Clark Kent, he just wasn't my man.
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Speaker 1: And I'm just I'm just excited to meet my man,
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Speaker 1: Like what does he look like? What does he smell like?
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Speaker 1: What does he feel like? Like? I want I can't
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Speaker 1: wait to meet someone that I just want to tell
13:12
Speaker 1: the whole world like I've never been like I have
13:15
Speaker 1: a boyfriend. And it's you know, when you're like in
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Speaker 1: the you know, in papers and people are like, are
13:22
Speaker 1: you dating? And they'd ask me, are you dating Andy?
13:24
Speaker 1: They want I'd be like, no, no, I was dating
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Speaker 1: all these different guys. I was saying, no, no, I'm
13:29
Speaker 1: not dating anyone, lying, lying like crazy. Didn't want anyone
13:33
Speaker 1: to know what I was doing, because I, first of all,
13:37
Speaker 1: was none of their business. But second of all, I
13:39
Speaker 1: didn't want anyone to know if I was dating someone.
13:41
Speaker 1: If I wasn't not embarrassed by them, but just humiliated
13:45
Speaker 1: by my own self. And you know, it's ironic because
13:51
Speaker 1: I have this, you know, I was raised with a
13:52
Speaker 1: twin brother, so I had this amazing twin brother who
13:58
Speaker 1: I used to fight with, argue with. You know, we'd
14:01
Speaker 1: have so much fun with do stupid things, watch sports
14:05
Speaker 1: with him, do all these things. And so I know
14:08
Speaker 1: what it's like to have a gem. He's my brother.
14:13
Speaker 1: But I know what it's like to be around a
14:14
Speaker 1: male who's amazing and who's fun and exciting and interesting
14:18
Speaker 1: and engaging, and he has a beautiful wife an amazing kid.
14:21
Speaker 1: So I know what that looks like. I just didn't
14:25
Speaker 1: want it for myself. For some reason, I just was like,
14:30
Speaker 1: I don't deserve that. And maybe the guys that I
14:33
Speaker 1: was dating or that I was choosing just made that
14:38
Speaker 1: even more real because they they didn't deserve me, and
14:45
Speaker 1: I didn't even deserve them. I mean, they could have
14:47
Speaker 1: been the worst men on the planet, but they still
14:49
Speaker 1: were a lot better than how I was treating myself.
15:02
Speaker 1: So when I called off my engagement four days before
15:05
Speaker 1: the wedding, there was like this, there was like a
15:07
Speaker 1: lot of mixed emotions. She wouldn't she know she'd broke
15:11
Speaker 1: up and then because of money it's all about money,
15:14
Speaker 1: or she's not you know, no, oh he dodged a
15:17
Speaker 1: bullet because she's so crazy, or you know all these awful,
15:22
Speaker 1: awful things, and when you're you know, in the public eye,
15:28
Speaker 1: you know you have a responsibility, and you know. I
15:32
Speaker 1: wanted to say, like I'm feeling like shit, I'm feeling awful,
15:36
Speaker 1: I'm feeling so humiliated, I'm so humiliated, and that I
15:44
Speaker 1: couldn't like figure out like who to be with, or
15:48
Speaker 1: that I didn't say to him before, this is not working.
15:51
Speaker 1: This is not right. I do not want this. And
15:54
Speaker 1: that's not that I didn't want this because I was
15:55
Speaker 1: running away again in like the newest sneakers so I
15:59
Speaker 1: could get was as fast as possible. It's not like
16:02
Speaker 1: running away. I just I knew for myself that he
16:05
Speaker 1: wasn't the right person a long long time ago, and
16:09
Speaker 1: I should have had the confidence to sit him down
16:12
Speaker 1: and say, or just the decency to say, this is
16:17
Speaker 1: not working. And not for the reasons that you think,
16:20
Speaker 1: but because I'm not ready. I'm not ready. So again,
16:26
Speaker 1: like you know, here's a laundry list of all these
16:29
Speaker 1: different guys, drugs, infidelity, cheating, like you name it, the
16:35
Speaker 1: worst of the worst. I was like, oh, I'll date him.
16:39
Speaker 1: I'll date that guy that sounds great, making excuses, but
16:43
Speaker 1: like who wants someone like that, And even if on
16:46
Speaker 1: paper they looked like they were incredible, they were single
16:50
Speaker 1: for a reason and so was I because we're both
16:53
Speaker 1: like totally. All these men that I was dating were
16:57
Speaker 1: just as unavailable as I was hiding all these issues, porn,
17:04
Speaker 1: like all this crap, and it was really awful. And
17:10
Speaker 1: I just when I remember what I remember a year ago,
17:14
Speaker 1: and I just was like, I cannot do this anymore.
17:17
Speaker 1: There were situations that were happening with his children, and
17:20
Speaker 1: I just was like, I am not ready for any
17:22
Speaker 1: of this and I can't do this. And instead of
17:25
Speaker 1: being an adult and in the room, because you know,
17:28
Speaker 1: I always talk about being the adult in the room.
17:30
Speaker 1: I always talk about like, oh, finally there's an adult
17:33
Speaker 1: in the room. I'm up here, you're down there. You know,
17:37
Speaker 1: you know I always know the right thing to say.
17:40
Speaker 1: I don't know the right thing to say. I just
17:42
Speaker 1: say that because that sounds good, because it sounds like
17:46
Speaker 1: something that someone like me would say. That's not the
17:49
Speaker 1: right thing to say, it's not. You have to be
17:53
Speaker 1: honest with people and say to them, first to yourself,
17:57
Speaker 1: forget them, like you're not you don't need, you don't
17:59
Speaker 1: owe anyone anything, by the way, So the first thing
18:03
Speaker 1: that you need to tell yourself is here are the
18:08
Speaker 1: here the non starters. Here are the things you cannot
18:11
Speaker 1: put up with. And that's not like, well, Kelly, when
18:15
Speaker 1: you're like dating, you're gonna have to be a little
18:17
Speaker 1: more open because like everybody's got their flaws. So I've
18:22
Speaker 1: recently started dating again since I called off my wedding,
18:26
Speaker 1: and not because I'm bored, but because I have been
18:33
Speaker 1: going to therapy and because I started this podcast and
18:40
Speaker 1: listening to all these different mentors and people talk about
18:45
Speaker 1: their different stories made me feel safe. So I was like, hey,
18:50
Speaker 1: you know what, like someone's been married four times. People
18:54
Speaker 1: have there you know, like I'll never forget TJ with
18:56
Speaker 1: like there's eight divorces in this room, And I was like,
19:00
Speaker 1: what eight, That's just a crazy number. And I just
19:05
Speaker 1: started to feel safe about what I wanted for my
19:08
Speaker 1: own self. And so I have an amazing therapist and
19:12
Speaker 1: we've been talking through and walking through what are the
19:15
Speaker 1: things that are non starters for me? And if I
19:18
Speaker 1: am going to go on a date, what am I
19:21
Speaker 1: going to bring to the table? Not him, but what
19:24
Speaker 1: am I going to bring to the table? First of all,
19:25
Speaker 1: I'm going to bring to the table things I will
19:27
Speaker 1: not put up with, and those are things like no cheating,
19:34
Speaker 1: no lying, no violence, no emotional abuse, no sexual abuse,
19:40
Speaker 1: no any kind of anything that makes me feel bad.
19:44
Speaker 1: If you don't make me feel good about feeling good,
19:48
Speaker 1: you're out. And you can tell that about a person immediately.
19:53
Speaker 1: You don't need to talk to them, you don't need
19:55
Speaker 1: to ask them about their last relationship. All you need
19:58
Speaker 1: to do is give them a couple of seconds to say,
20:02
Speaker 1: how are you? Or you're just kind of talk, you know,
20:04
Speaker 1: you're just kind of how they introduce themselves, and you'll
20:07
Speaker 1: know immediately if it's about them or if it's about
20:10
Speaker 1: you guys. And that was something I needed to learn
20:14
Speaker 1: that it's a wee. It's not like I'm going to
20:18
Speaker 1: lure this guy. I'm going to show him how pretty
20:20
Speaker 1: I am and funny I am and smart I am.
20:23
Speaker 1: Now you want I needed to I need to be
20:28
Speaker 1: and I'm going to be open. I'm going to be
20:32
Speaker 1: more relaxed, maybe in my body language, maybe the way
20:36
Speaker 1: that I dress, just everything about me is going to
20:40
Speaker 1: be different because it's on my terms now and all
20:47
Speaker 1: those things that I said before the cheating, the line,
20:50
Speaker 1: the vines, all of those things are just absolutely unacceptable
20:55
Speaker 1: and so run away from all of that, run fast sprint.
21:01
Speaker 1: So no more abuse of drugs or alcohol, no more anger,
21:08
Speaker 1: no more fixing men, no more Oh I see the
21:12
Speaker 1: potential in him, I just see so much in him.
21:16
Speaker 1: If he's not there, he's not ready. No more dating
21:21
Speaker 1: someone that doesn't want to have a future with me,
21:23
Speaker 1: no one. No more dating someone's that's not saying, oh
21:26
Speaker 1: my god, I would love to do this on Halloween,
21:29
Speaker 1: or making plans in the future, whether it's like going
21:32
Speaker 1: to the movies, doesn't need to be you know, some
21:35
Speaker 1: wild thing. It needs to be something a tomorrow thing.
21:38
Speaker 1: Oh I would like to get a coffee with you.
21:40
Speaker 1: I'm going to meet you. Those kind of things. Not
21:44
Speaker 1: going to go on a date with someone who doesn't
21:46
Speaker 1: understand my kids because they're my number one priority and
21:49
Speaker 1: they will always be. So that's like an absolute no.
21:54
Speaker 1: And no more self sabotaging my relationships. So, like I said,
21:58
Speaker 1: being more relaxed, and when I go on a date,
22:02
Speaker 1: not being feeling like I have to get dressed up
22:05
Speaker 1: or put on any pretenses. You're around more single people
22:10
Speaker 1: and Everybody starts talking about being single and what single
22:12
Speaker 1: looks like, but they don't talk about what single feels like.
22:16
Speaker 1: So there's no connectivity. There's no spending time with people,
22:22
Speaker 1: there's no back and forth, there's no h how is
22:28
Speaker 1: your day like? Not like how was your day like?
22:31
Speaker 1: How was your day like? How was your day like?
22:34
Speaker 1: How is that meeting that you had? How did that go?
22:37
Speaker 1: Did we did you know? What did you say in
22:39
Speaker 1: that meeting? Did you feel good about it? You know,
22:42
Speaker 1: life is about these small little moments, and when you're
22:45
Speaker 1: single and by yourself, it's not that it sucks, it's
22:49
Speaker 1: just it's just these moments that you're having these memories
22:52
Speaker 1: by yourself. And I'm not judging anyone for wanting to
22:57
Speaker 1: be by themselves or for enjoying their own personal company,
23:01
Speaker 1: because I think that's amazing. I personally am not that person.
23:04
Speaker 1: I don't enjoy being by myself. I don't enjoy myself.
23:07
Speaker 1: I don't enjoy being by myself. So for me, being
23:10
Speaker 1: single is the worst thing. You know. I remember thinking
23:13
Speaker 1: to myself, Oh my god, my kids go away. What
23:15
Speaker 1: am I going to do? Like I'd always be like, oh,
23:18
Speaker 1: I have to go home for the kids. I have
23:19
Speaker 1: to go home, my kids, my kids, my kids, and
23:21
Speaker 1: I was like, what happens? I mean, fortunately for COVID,
23:25
Speaker 1: I would have been by myself four years ago, just
23:28
Speaker 1: alone by myself. And it's not like I'm just one
23:32
Speaker 1: of these kind of people that's like walking down the
23:34
Speaker 1: street like winking at people a hay tiger, Like I'm
23:38
Speaker 1: not that person. I'm so introverted and so I'm so
23:41
Speaker 1: like frightened to people and like, oh my god, they're
23:43
Speaker 1: probably saying something about me, and I'm just so insecure
23:46
Speaker 1: that I'm so afraid that they are, you know, looking
23:51
Speaker 1: at me poorly or being like, oh she's awful or
23:54
Speaker 1: she has big shoulders or whatever it is that they say.
23:57
Speaker 1: That's mean, Like that goes That's what goes through my head.
24:00
Speaker 1: Being alone and being single sucks because you allow yours
24:04
Speaker 1: that's your that's your partner, is your your mind, that's
24:08
Speaker 1: like places tricks on you. And I don't want to
24:11
Speaker 1: make those memories in my life and I don't want
24:14
Speaker 1: to have that partner. I want to have a solid
24:18
Speaker 1: partner that we're talking about things and we're interested in things,
24:22
Speaker 1: and we're making plans and we're building a family, whether
24:26
Speaker 1: that's with his family or my family. I want to
24:30
Speaker 1: create those memories. I always talk about creating memories. So
24:43
Speaker 1: I really appreciate you guys going through this with me.
24:46
Speaker 1: Being single just really sucks. And there's like no one
24:50
Speaker 1: that you have. There's no one that you have in
24:53
Speaker 1: a crisis, like something happens to you, like when you know, Christmas,
24:58
Speaker 1: I'm driving with the girls and and my oldest daughter's
25:01
Speaker 1: car she blows a tire and I'm like, I don't
25:03
Speaker 1: want to fix a freaking tire and there's no aa,
25:06
Speaker 1: there's no nothing. And I literally just melted down and
25:09
Speaker 1: start bawling my eyes out like I had just it's like,
25:12
Speaker 1: and I know that sounds like, oh my god, you
25:14
Speaker 1: have no one to fix you tire. It was like
25:16
Speaker 1: on the road it was Christmas. There's no one there,
25:18
Speaker 1: And I'm like with my kids, so there's no one
25:21
Speaker 1: to help you on a crisis. And the idea of
25:24
Speaker 1: turning sixty, I'm, you know, fifty six, that's around the corner.
25:27
Speaker 1: I'm being alone makes me really sad and really scared.
25:32
Speaker 1: And the idea of my youngest child leaving and moving on,
25:35
Speaker 1: even though I want them to be healthy and happy
25:38
Speaker 1: and amazing. I'm scared to be alone, and I feel
25:44
Speaker 1: like they are like so close to me because they
25:48
Speaker 1: don't want me to be alone and they don't want
25:50
Speaker 1: me to be, you know, scared, which is awful. This
25:54
Speaker 1: is everything that I didn't want for them. And I
25:58
Speaker 1: don't want a photo album. I don't want to like
26:00
Speaker 1: my phone filled with pictures of myself face tuned photos.
26:03
Speaker 1: I really don't want that. I mean, everybody loves that.
26:06
Speaker 1: I do not like that. I'm like, ugh, look these
26:09
Speaker 1: fecking photos. Like where are like the fun photos of
26:12
Speaker 1: like eating ice cream or like the you know, like
26:16
Speaker 1: like hanging out with your kids eating you know, watching
26:18
Speaker 1: a movie, or just like fun selfies. And I don't
26:22
Speaker 1: want to have lack of sex and lack of intimacy.
26:25
Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to have I
26:28
Speaker 1: don't want to have sex anymore. I don't want to
26:30
Speaker 1: have some guy taking a Viagara with some angry bird
26:34
Speaker 1: penis like looking at me, frightening me. I'm like, I
26:38
Speaker 1: need an ice pack, and this is not what I want.
26:40
Speaker 1: I want to have intimacy and love and kindness and
26:45
Speaker 1: just to like just lay there with them and talk
26:48
Speaker 1: about whatever it is. I don't want some like red
26:52
Speaker 1: you know, like arm coming after me. Just don't want that.
26:57
Speaker 1: Nothing wrong with guys would take viagra. But if you're
26:59
Speaker 1: gonna take viagraa why can't you say I'm gonna go
27:01
Speaker 1: in the bathroom. My little friend and I are going
27:02
Speaker 1: to have a power you know, like a little moment
27:04
Speaker 1: together and we'll be back. Like so at least I'm
27:06
Speaker 1: involved in the narrative and I'm not just like, you know,
27:09
Speaker 1: standing there with like a tripod in front of me.
27:11
Speaker 1: I'm just like, that's not what I want. I don't
27:14
Speaker 1: want that kind of sex, and I don't want to
27:17
Speaker 1: be good with events by myself. So it's you know,
27:20
Speaker 1: everyone and Peete talks about how I'm always late to
27:23
Speaker 1: an event. The reason I'm late to an event is
27:25
Speaker 1: because I don't want to be at the event by myself,
27:27
Speaker 1: So I go late because I'm like, if I go late,
27:29
Speaker 1: then I can leave early because everyone else is leaving early.
27:32
Speaker 1: So I'm only there for a certain amount of time
27:35
Speaker 1: because I don't want to be by myself. Oh yeah,
27:37
Speaker 1: So I went to this event by myself and it
27:39
Speaker 1: was really really great. Me myself and I sat in
27:41
Speaker 1: the chair together, I talked to people. They were really
27:44
Speaker 1: not interested in talking to me, but I was talking
27:45
Speaker 1: to them anyway, and you know, they were talking to
27:49
Speaker 1: me about whatever it was. And then I left, and
27:53
Speaker 1: it used to make me so sad and miserable. I
27:55
Speaker 1: was miserable, miserable sitting there. I'd be all my you know,
28:00
Speaker 1: all hair and makeup, and people are like, oh my god,
28:02
Speaker 1: you just get ready for twenty minutes. Yeah, because I
28:05
Speaker 1: was only there for twenty minutes to do what I
28:06
Speaker 1: needed to do and then I left. And not that
28:10
Speaker 1: I don't respect the people that have me at these events,
28:14
Speaker 1: but I was just so unhappy with myself that I
28:17
Speaker 1: wasn't even enjoying the moment that they were celebrating. So
28:22
Speaker 1: I missed out on that. And I want to have
28:25
Speaker 1: someone to vent too, Like I'm venting to you guys.
28:28
Speaker 1: I want to be in a safe space where I
28:30
Speaker 1: can just be like I'm feking miserable today, as opposed
28:35
Speaker 1: to being like everything's fun, everything's great, We're gonna get
28:39
Speaker 1: all this together. I'm gonna go on and run and
28:41
Speaker 1: feel good. I just want to vent to someone and
28:44
Speaker 1: just be like I am having the worst day and
28:49
Speaker 1: I'm feeling that feeling that I don't want to feel.
28:52
Speaker 1: I'm feeling that that part of me is telling me
28:56
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, and I don't want to feel
28:58
Speaker 1: that anymore. So something I'm really big on now is
29:03
Speaker 1: therapy and I'm working on myself post breakup. But I'm
29:07
Speaker 1: really into manifesting my own future. This is something that
29:10
Speaker 1: I was like, manifest I was like, that is a croc.
29:13
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not going to manifest anything. But you
29:16
Speaker 1: know what, since I've been doing this podcast and I
29:18
Speaker 1: actually have been looking up in my TikTok is like manifestation,
29:23
Speaker 1: you must manifest, And I'm like, what is going on now?
29:27
Speaker 1: This new person in my head that's trying to help
29:29
Speaker 1: me to be better and it's working. It's just working.
29:34
Speaker 1: I mean for me to be able to sit in
29:35
Speaker 1: this chair and talk to you guys like this. It's
29:38
Speaker 1: not who I am, but it's me now. So when
29:45
Speaker 1: I get married someday, I have a really strong idea
29:51
Speaker 1: of who that's going to be and what they're going
29:53
Speaker 1: to look like. After all this, after this disaster, after
29:59
Speaker 1: this like a pile of rubble of my feelings and
30:02
Speaker 1: my emotions and my old self is like, I'm just
30:07
Speaker 1: like going to clean that all up, and I am
30:11
Speaker 1: going to start believing in myself first and giving myself
30:16
Speaker 1: a chance and giving myself a chance to feel and
30:21
Speaker 1: to be open and to be available and to be kind,
30:28
Speaker 1: really kind to another person. So after all this, I
30:36
Speaker 1: wrote a journal entry to my dear future husband, and
30:45
Speaker 1: I want him to know how much I love and
30:48
Speaker 1: care about him and why I'm so proud to be
30:51
Speaker 1: with him. To my future husband, I'm so happy to
30:58
Speaker 1: have finally met you. Now that I have a healthier mindset,
31:03
Speaker 1: I'm doing the work with a therapist, I'd like to
31:06
Speaker 1: express to you how thankful I am to finally have
31:09
Speaker 1: you in my life. I've never written a heartfelt note
31:13
Speaker 1: or vows or anything outside of one love letter in
31:16
Speaker 1: my entire life. When I was writing my novel The
31:20
Speaker 1: Second Course, I was asked to write a letter to
31:22
Speaker 1: the man I was dating at the time. He was
31:25
Speaker 1: an amazing person from a prestigious family, but he was
31:28
Speaker 1: myriad in a world of prescription drugs. Looking back, I
31:33
Speaker 1: didn't know I would engage in with a man with addictions,
31:37
Speaker 1: but I saw who he was without the drugs, and
31:40
Speaker 1: that was incredible, bright, educated and thoughtful. But what about me?
31:47
Speaker 1: Why did I gravitate towards a man who was emotionally unavailable,
31:52
Speaker 1: and why was I writing him a love letter? Why
31:57
Speaker 1: wasn't I writing the love letter to myself. What I
32:01
Speaker 1: quickly learned in writing that letter was that he his
32:05
Speaker 1: addictions and I couldn't sustain a love triangle. And I
32:10
Speaker 1: came to understand that I deserve a man who could
32:12
Speaker 1: be a safe haven. So who is that man? He's
32:17
Speaker 1: always there for me, whether the good, the bad, the ugly.
32:21
Speaker 1: He won't let me run away from uncomfortable moments, and
32:24
Speaker 1: he makes decisions with me, not for me. He's you,
32:29
Speaker 1: always surprising me and constantly piquing my curiosity. My non
32:34
Speaker 1: negotiables are that I cannot live with a cheater, a liar,
32:37
Speaker 1: or anyone who abuses drugs or someone with anger issues.
32:42
Speaker 1: They must love me and my family and allow me
32:44
Speaker 1: to love theirs. I need to protect me and not
32:49
Speaker 1: have to protect them. In the past, I would sabotage
32:52
Speaker 1: a relationship if I felt I was not good enough.
32:56
Speaker 1: I wanted to protect myself from hurt, and maybe that
32:59
Speaker 1: was manifest by me taking control, which is ironic because
33:03
Speaker 1: I found myself in abusive relationships. Time after time, the
33:07
Speaker 1: lines were blurred. The desire was for a strong man
33:10
Speaker 1: to take control, but to protect me, not to physically
33:13
Speaker 1: assault me. That was the theme for too long. Here's
33:18
Speaker 1: who you are to me. You make me a better person.
33:23
Speaker 1: You inspire me with little things like hot sauce, and
33:26
Speaker 1: you treat my children and their emotions with kid gloves.
33:30
Speaker 1: You make me want to nest with you. You make
33:32
Speaker 1: me want to tell the world who you are and
33:35
Speaker 1: why you are my superman. Not for the reasons you think,
33:39
Speaker 1: but because you walk next to me, holding hands as
33:42
Speaker 1: a partner in everything. I'm not an open person, but
33:47
Speaker 1: I want you to know everything about me. It hasn't
33:50
Speaker 1: been the easiest to navigate the world of relationships and
33:53
Speaker 1: love to understand who I deserve. I tell you these
33:58
Speaker 1: stories so you can hear the pain and the fear
34:00
Speaker 1: in my heart. And I now know that love isn't
34:04
Speaker 1: supposed to hurt. I can love in my bones, wrapped
34:09
Speaker 1: around me like the coziest juvet. And you are the
34:13
Speaker 1: man I want for myself, the man I've always dreamed of.
34:17
Speaker 1: I can only pray that my daughters might a kind
34:19
Speaker 1: person like you for themselves. Here are things I'll never do.
34:24
Speaker 1: I'll never run away, I'll never belittle you, and I'll
34:28
Speaker 1: never make you insecure about how I feel about you,
34:32
Speaker 1: cheat on you, or lie to you. Thank you for
34:35
Speaker 1: believing in me, Kelly. I just feel so much better
34:40
Speaker 1: after reading that out loud. This was so vulnerable to
34:43
Speaker 1: put out there, and I really enjoyed connecting with you.
34:46
Speaker 1: And I think that we've been through it. We've really,
34:49
Speaker 1: really really been through it. Today. We loved and we've lost,
34:53
Speaker 1: and still we want to find love again. I'm being
34:56
Speaker 1: real and raw with you, guys, because it's the only
34:59
Speaker 1: way that I know I'm going to grow and heal.
35:03
Speaker 1: So if you're wanting some relationship or dating advice, or
35:05
Speaker 1: you're single and ready to find love again, call us
35:09
Speaker 1: at one eight four four four I Do POD's one
35:15
Speaker 1: eight four four four four three six seven sixty three
35:19
Speaker 1: or email us I Do Pod at iHeartRadio dot com.
35:25
Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram at I Do Part two Pod.
35:30
Speaker 1: All this information will be in the show notes, and
35:32
Speaker 1: make sure to rate and review the podcast. I can't
35:34
Speaker 1: wait to hear what you think. I Do Part two
35:37
Speaker 1: an iHeartRadio podcast where Falling in love is the main objective.