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12 Months to Marathon - Episode 14 - Comparison REALLY is the Thief of Joy · 12 Months to Marathon

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the 12 Months to Marathon Podcast with me, John Hill, the running podcast for the over 35s with Marathon Dreams.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Episode 14.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Comparison really is the thief of joy.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I've probably mentioned this on about five of the previous podcasts, and I wanted to do it on its own, basically, and just talk about comparison and how to make the comparisons accurately.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I did a reel on my Instagram the other day, 12 Months to Marathon.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to follow me over there, about potentially coming off tracking apps, and that got quite a few views and quite a few comments on, so it tells me that there's a potential issue here in the background.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to talk about that in a second.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what's going on with me at the moment?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, as you know, I've been currently training for high rocks, which is on the 26th of October here in sunny Birmingham.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Uh training's going really, really well.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I feel strong because I've been resting and recovering quite well alongside just doing the actual training itself, and yeah, feeling good about that.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: The hamstring recovery's gone well.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've followed the advice given by my physio.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, please refer back to previous podcasts, pay attention about why you should go and see a physio if you've got an injury.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm feeling pretty good.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I've entered a marathon, uh, so I've entered a my spring marathon, which is the great Welsh marathon of the 16th of March, uh, which is a flat route alongside the coast, starting in southwest Wales, not far from Tembe, which was a wonderful holiday destination I had as a kid.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, one of the guys in my running coaching programme is also doing it.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so he suggested it, and I thought, why not?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I've not done one in Wales yet, I've done loads in England, two in Scotland, a few abroad.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought, yeah, why not?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: We'll try Wales and we'll get cracking on that.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: So my instinct at the moment is to go for another sub three.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think you know, I want to perform at that level and just see where we go.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: PB, well, that's a different conversation because my PB currently is 256, which was a gargantuan achievement on the day, but definitely I would want to have a pop at a sub three and train for that uh to give myself something to aim for and also push myself a little bit.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into it then.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Comparison is really the thief of joy.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I did a brief brief bit on this in a previous podcast, and there's been varying people that I've read and studied that have explained the best way to make comparisons, and there are two actually.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Jordan Peterson said, Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday, not somebody else today, which is a really good way of putting it.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Another good way of putting it is you should always compare downwards, not upwards.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what that means is two things actually.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, there's a level of gratitude compared, like, for example, where you are in life, probably if you're listening to this, if you've got a roof over your head, all that sort of stuff, people around you, you know what I mean, you you're in a pretty solid position, then you're doing better than a lot of people on the planet.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be honest, and a level of gratitude sometimes is needed just for the fact that you know you have got a roof over your head, you may have a family, you know, you you can pay your bills, you can do all these sort of things, you probably might you've probably got a job, that sort of stuff.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're ahead of quite a few people, so there's a level of gratitude there, and no matter how hard it gets, sometimes you can always find something to be grateful for, and that's certainly not diminishing challenges that we all face in life, but you can certainly be grateful.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think gratitude is the first way to try and eliminate comparison because you can say, Well, what position am I in here?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And one really good way to utilize gratitude is to make a gratitude list every day, write down all the things you're grateful for, but also say to yourself, Well, can I change things?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Am I have I the ability to change things?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've got the physical ability to go out and change something, then you're in a pretty good spot, and I think that's where you can utilize gratitude to help fight comparison.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: The second way to compare downwards is to say, where have I come from here?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I forget this sometimes when I beat myself up about things.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: When I was 28 years old, I was a mess.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Compared to now, I was a mess, and one of the best things about losing weight for me, and I've always said this and I'll always maintain it, one of the best things about losing weight for me was you'll be surprised what you actually can control.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I thought so many things were out of my control, which are actually in my control, and that was the most profound thing because I realised that I could control my sleep, I could control my stress levels, I could control my diet, I didn't have to smoke, I don't have to drink.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can do all those things if you want to, it's a free country and you've got a choice to make, but you don't have to.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I realised that I could control more than I could control.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So when I look back at my own personal journey and compare downwards and compare to where I've come from, it's quite incredible.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean that in a grandiose way.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean at 28 years old, I was five stone heavier than I am now, 30 odd kilos for you uh metric types.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then um I was well, yes, five-stone heavier than I am now, smoking 15-20 cigarettes a day.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um and yeah, just yeah, a bit of a a bit of a mess.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I look at where I've come from and it is quite an incredible journey.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I think sometimes we have to just go right for step one to comparison being the thief of joy is to say, right, number one, what am I grateful for?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: What do I have?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Can I change things?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And B, where have I come from?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because for some people, getting out of bed is an achievement.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now I I posted this in my running community the other day.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I said to the guys, I said, showing up is showing up, running a mile is showing up, running 10 miles is showing up, showing up is showing up, and sometimes if you make progress, then you need to remember that that's progress for you.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you an example.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you haven't run for a month and you go out and run a mile.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's massive progress because you haven't run for a month, but if you then jump straight onto an app or jump straight onto social media, you're gonna end up comparing yourself to somebody that's not not basing their success on your metrics, and vice versa.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: You have to base your success on your metrics, and this is really big.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And Mark Manson uh wrote a book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F U C K, which is what the name of the book is, and it's a really good book to read, and he talked about metrics, and he said you need to base your success on your metrics.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: What are your metrics?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not gonna find those metrics on social media, and you're not gonna find those metrics, arguably, on apps like Strava, because you're gonna compare yourself to other people.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I've I've told the story before about a you know, really nice bloke who I unfollowed on Instagram who I don't know personally because he ran faster than me.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's got that's got zero correlation or consequence to my own personal performance.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: How fast somebody else runs, how far somebody else runs has got no value to me whatsoever.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: What has got value to me is what I'm trying to do and what that actually means to me.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the question I would ask you.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: What does it mean to you to do what you want to do?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking at a spring, a lot of people that I'm speaking to at the moment are looking at spring marathons, right?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean to you to do that?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: If it's your first one, what's that gonna mean?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: If it's a big one, if you're doing say a London, what does that mean to you?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself that question, not what it means to anybody else, what does it mean to you?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's say sometimes people don't they don't mean to do it, but they say silly things like they'll they'll say something like oh that was slow, or you know, something like that, and they don't mean it, they just don't understand.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because like if your goal is to finish a marathon and you finish it, well, based on your metrics, you've achieved what you set out to achieve.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we can all say we can be critical and whatever else, but the problem is real top athletes don't have the time to criticise other people because they're focused on being top athletes.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I know a couple of people in various fields who are at the top of their game, and they're the nicest people you'll ever meet because you know why?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're focused on them, they couldn't care about anybody else, they're focused on their performance.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody who's securing themselves securing themselves and focused on their own performance would ever criticize you.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: The only person that's going to criticize you is you, and that comes from comparison.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And social media at Strava and other apps are not always designed, well, social media particularly is not designed for quiet reflection, it's designed for comparison.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: So you feel bad, and if you feel bad, you're more likely to do things that make you feel bad, which unfortunately can mean sedation, it can mean numbing.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And those things, let's be caller spade a spade here, are often very profitable things: alcohol, drugs, f um, prescription or not, watching more TV, being on social media longer, buying more stuff you don't need to impress people you don't like with money you don't have.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: These are things that are designed to make keep you suppressed and make you feel bad, and that starts with comparison.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody else has bought a brand new something that you don't need, and you're comparing yourself to them, that's going to make you go and do something you don't want to do.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And these are the big lessons that I've had to learn, particularly around things like for me, it was cars.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I've you know, my car now is just something practical.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm nearly 50, I've got a couple of kids, I'm as fit, I'm the fittest I ever have been.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I care whether I've got a souped up whatever?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you want to have that, absolutely knock yourself out.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: If that makes you happy, you do you.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, I'm like, I don't need to do that.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas 20 years ago, I would have been like, oh, I've got to have this, I've got to have that because I'm trying to impress people.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a very shallow and empty endeavor, it really is.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the same for running, you know, it's a very sad and shallow thing to beat yourself up so much with comparison that you stop doing something you love.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's very sad.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't do it, focus on you.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: What are your metrics?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this important to you?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Where have you come from?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: What have you achieved?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know, people say I'm not really a runner when they run.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did a podcast on this.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: You are a runner, you're a runner.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you run, you're a runner.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And stop comparing yourself to pace because there are people faster.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, I've done I've finished relatively decent positions at marathons, particularly when I was going for my sub threes, and there were people there just flippantly going, Oh yeah, I did a 245 like it was nothing, and I was desperate to get a sub-three, and I remember always remember it was 2022 or 2021.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was no, it was 2019.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or the two times I tried it, 2019 and 2022, sort of obviously the the the there was a little situation in between those two dates.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I remember standing there, like at the end, and people just flippantly going, Yeah, I did a 245, like it was nothing, and there's me thinking, I don't I don't do anything to do it, have a sub-3.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what I mean?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like there are people that are so fast, that are so strong that they'll just wipe people out, and it's a very sad place to be in that comparison state because you make yourself miserable.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was miserable for years and years and years because I focused on what other people thought and comparison, and it is so shallow, it is so shallow, it's also very human, which is another problem.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's very tribalistic, it's built into us to try and look at others and compare ourselves to others, but you've got to fight that yourself consciously.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need to come, like I said, on and and I'll tell you what I said on that Instagram reel, if you need to come off Strava and you need to unfollow everybody you follow on Strava, or you need to come off social media or unfollow everybody you need to unfollow on social media, do it because I promise you it's worth it if it's gonna stop you getting in a fog because you're comparing yourself to people that you really shouldn't be.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's that powerful, and I highly recommend that you do it and avoid it because it's not good, it's not a good look for anybody.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: So hopefully that's given you something to think about because sometimes you have to really make a stand and say, Look, I need to do this for me, and you'd be amazed the amount of people who commented on that Instagram reel saying, Oh, I've come off Strava, I've come off this, I've turned notifications off, and guess what?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: They're perfectly happy.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because at the end of the day, my marathons, yes, I've got the medal, yes, I've got the photos, yes, I've got the memories.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: But crossing that finish line in Manchester, shiver down the spine incoming, doing my first sub three, I was quite euphoric and it was weird, and I cried because I just I had this thought come over me, and again, shiver down the spine.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I had this thought come over to me of how is this even possible based on where I started from, you know, and I didn't use that to go out and make anybody else feel bad or use it as some narcissistic thing, it just said to myself, and I'm looking up at it now, I'm looking up at the plaque that I got with my number and the medal and the times, and it's like it blows my mind that an 18-stone self-loathing smoking mess that I was can do that, and that will stay with me always.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: The London Marathon, when I did that this year, as I record this, will stay with me always.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was so special to me because I went back, I wasn't running racing, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I was just trying to do what I could, and I loved every minute of it.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And crossing that line and seeing the people cheering me and and whatever else will stay with me always because I've been in a place where that wasn't possible, and actually liking myself wasn't possible, which is always why you need to compare downwards and upwards, and it's always why sometimes you need to make a stand and put your foot down and say, No, enough is enough.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm coming off all these things, I need to do me, and I need to focus on me, and that's how passionately I feel about that.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm teaching to learn here because I need to learn this as well.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's a bit been a big, big lesson for me over the years.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Comparison really is the thief of joy.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: If it's done incorrectly, you can do it correctly if you're comparing yourself against the right benchmarks, but most of us don't.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: We compare ourselves to the wrong metrics and the wrong benchmarks.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, comparison, yes, it really is the thief of joy.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Episode 14.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'll leave it there because I could go on for a while here, and I really don't want to want to leave these in bite-sized chunks.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, thank you very much for listening as always.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I do appreciate it.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget to like the podcast, share the podcast, and drop me a like.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Love heart or review, wherever you get your podcast from.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Please share it as well with your friends.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you've got any running people that need to hear this message, I'd appreciate sharing it out.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And don't forget, always, as always, to pop over to Instagram, follow me over there, 12 Months to Marathon.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to reach out to me over there and have a chat about anything to do with running coaching or anything like that, you can do it over there.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate all the support and everybody that listens.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully that's valuable.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and thank you very much for listening.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And go out and do you, be you, and achieve what you need to achieve for you, and you'll never look back.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much for listening, and I'll see you all very soon.