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S2E41 - When Someone Dies: What to Say to Your Child and How to Say It · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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You're listening to the
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Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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Hi,
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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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The Kid Counselor.
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This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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enlightenment and awareness about your parenting
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and your relationship with your kids.
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In today's episode,
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I am talking about how to
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speak to your children
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if a death occurs in the family,
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in your immediate family.
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And I've actually had several people reach out about this topic,
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so rather than read a specific email,
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I figure I would just cover it kind of as a topical discussion.
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And I think one of the consistent concerns
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is
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how do I
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appropriately handle
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a discussion that is difficult,
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number one.
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Also,
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how do I know what to say?
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And then third,
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what is too little or too much and you know how is my child going to receive
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this kind of information?
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So there's a lot of unknown,
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there's a lot of insecurity,
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and I want to alleviate some of that.
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I think it'd be really helpful for us to process this together
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because death is a part of life
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and so it's very common for children to experience death even in early childhood.
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Whether it's a pet,
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a
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grandparent,
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a parent,
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often,
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sometimes siblings,
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so there are people that are close to kids
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that pass away,
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and we need to be able to handle that
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appropriately and I think the more confident we are
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going into that discussion,
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the more equipped we feel and the more effective that it is.
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So I wanted to just kind of hit some thoughts
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on
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maybe best practice and things to consider
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if you are in a situation where you need to
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have a conversation about death with your child.
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I want to make you aware there are several episodes that I've recorded earlier in
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season one,
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specifically about how to talk about a grandparent's illness and death,
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and then also how to
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have difficult conversations with age appropriate truth.
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So there are several episodes that have talked about similar concepts before.
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If you'd like to go back and search the episodes to find
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those that might be helpful in addition to this episode as well.
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So I think it's really important
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to recognize that if there is a sudden death,
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it is different than if there is prolonged illness,
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for example.
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So
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it's easier to prepare a child
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for impending death because we know it's coming
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because of something chronic or pervasive or prolonged
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versus something that happens completely unexpectedly because that's more of a
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shock for everyone of course but also for the child.
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So when we know that
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there is likely
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death coming.
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We can prepare a child in advance,
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but often if there is an unexpected death,
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there's no preparation whatsoever,
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so then it's just
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a very whammy kind of conversation that we have to have.
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And so I just wanted to make it clear that
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those are going to be handled differently and I'm specifically
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today
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speaking about when we cannot prepare them ahead of time.
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So if something happens unexpectedly,
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what are the ways that we can most effectively handle that?
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First and foremost,
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I think it's important to acknowledge that your children need the truth.
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Many adults try to spare the child end quote from the truth
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because they think they can't handle it,
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they're not ready for it.
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It will be too hurtful,
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they won't understand.
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I just don't want them to know that there's all
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kinds of reasons and rationalizing that we use as adults,
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but we have to keep in mind
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we're intellectual and rational and cognitive beings,
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and kids aren't.
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So we can reason and rationalize our decisions,
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but what children need from us is the truth.
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The truth is a gift for children
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because when they are told the truth age appropriately.
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That's why that other episode I did is about age appropriate truths for for kids.
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We have to be mindful that
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they just need enough so that they're not trying to fill in missing information
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and they're not trying to fill gaps
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with things that are inaccurate or misunderstood.
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If we don't provide them with the truth,
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they create their own.
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That's what I think often we fail to realize when we spare our kids,
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air quote,
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spare our kids from the truth.
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They create their own truth and it's usually inaccurate.
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So it is far more important and helpful for
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them to just have age-appropriate truth shared with them.
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So,
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last night,
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when
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Grandpa was asleep,
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his heart stopped.
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It's just that simple.
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It's age appropriate truth.
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Why?
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Because,
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oh,
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Grandpa went on a trip or Grandpa,
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Grandpa moved to a different state or you're not gonna see Grandpa
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anymore because he's not gonna be able to come see you anymore.
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We think that that suffices and we think that it's enough and it's not
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because kids will create their own stories,
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they'll write their own narratives
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and they come up with truth that's not truth.
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So the truth is a gift.
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I think that's really important.
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I think we also need to process what grief looks like in children.
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It's very different than it is for adults.
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So I think you need to be prepared for that as well.
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I did my practicum when I was in grad school
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with the Child and Family Service department at hospice.
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So we worked with children specifically
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who had recently lost a family member or loved one
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to illness or they have a chronically ill family member with impending death
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and it was so fascinating to me the way that kids process their grief
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because they're emotional and experiential.
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So one second they're
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throwing a ball,
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the next second they're talking about whoever it is that died.
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And it gets really deep and really heavy for a very short amount of time.
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They ask really hard questions,
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they
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really want to talk or find something out or deal with something,
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and then they immediately go,
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OK,
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let's play ball again.
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And for us as adults,
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it's jarring.
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And it seems like it's a ping pong ball and it's like,
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oh my gosh,
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how did we go from
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light to heavy to light just like that,
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but they are not going to think their way through it.
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They just feel their way through it.
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So it's a very different process we need to be prepared for that.
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We cannot expect children to grieve
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the way that adults do and let's
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also acknowledge that every person grieves differently.
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There are 5 stages of grief.
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I don't know if y'all are familiar with Kubler Ross's work,
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but
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there are 5 stages of grief,
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and we know that all 5 stages have to be
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walked through.
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You can't walk around them,
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you walk through them.
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So we do inevitably experience the 5 stages of grief.
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However,
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it doesn't look the same for everyone.
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It doesn't feel the same for everyone.
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It's not in the same order for everyone.
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So we can't have expectations of what grieving looks like across the board,
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#1,
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but specifically for children,
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they grieve in fits and spurts.
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So it will be out of the blue in the middle of dinner,
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out of the blue in a car,
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out of the blue while they're throwing a ball with you,
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out of the blue in a random moment.
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They bring it up,
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it's very quick,
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and then they move on.
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So we need to be prepared for that.
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It's a very different process for them.
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I think another thing that we need to process is that children are going to grieve
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developmentally appropriately.
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Here's what I mean.
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What a child can process at 5
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is very different than what a child can process at 8,
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is very different than what a child can process at 11.
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So what will happen is the child will process at
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5 what they understand death to be and mean,
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but then at 8,
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potentially
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in the future,
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it's going to come up again and it catches adults off guard.
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Parents are like,
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our dog died 4 years ago and out of the blue
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now my kid is crying about the dog every single night.
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Why has it taken 4 years for this to become a thing?
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Well,
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your child is at a different place intellectually now.
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There's been a cognitive and brain surge development.
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They're able to think their way through things more.
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They are able to process things
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from their thoughts as well as their feelings as they get older,
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so they grieve in stages.
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So just because they grieve once,
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it doesn't mean that they're only going to grieve once.
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Often as they mature and as they move through childhood,
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they grieve as their developmental level allows them to.
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So a 5 year old is not going to really be able to think through death.
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It's too abstract of a concept.
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8 or 9,
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they've had a brain surge.
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So
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arguably they're able to think and understand what death is
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more impactfully.
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So they're going to process it again.
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Then when they developed abstract reasoning around 12 or 13,
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they'll probably deal with it again.
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This is very,
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very normal.
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So,
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we have to honor
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the fact that
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they don't just grieve until they're done grieving.
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They grieve pretty consistently as their brain development allows them to.
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And how do you know when therapy is needed for
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a grieving child?
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As a general rule,
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and this isn't even just about grief,
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this is just about children in general.
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When
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you look at a child
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and whatever they're going through is impeding daily functioning.
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So that can be anxiety,
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that can be dysregulation,
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that can be grief that can be trauma that can be
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something that happened,
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whatever the scenario is
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if it is impacting and impeding daily function,
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then it warrants getting them in therapy.
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It's normal for a child to be emotional.
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It's normal for a child to
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have regressive behavior.
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It's normal for a child to
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seem out of sorts.
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It's normal for a child to be disregulated
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when they're going through grief.
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But if it starts to impact and impede daily function,
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then it probably is worth looking into play therapy
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because the play therapist comes alongside the child and your family
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and helps them to have that safe relationship and safe environment
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to work through their stuff.
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So be mindful that
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there is
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a long haul for grief with kids.
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And if you are prepared for that,
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it will not catch you off guard,
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and we can handle anything
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if we know that it's coming.
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So just the awareness of it,
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I think,
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should be able to
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encourage you there,
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but also be mindful that your child needs closure.
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So one of the things that I learned when I worked with hospice
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is kids need to have a way to have closure for the relationship.
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So sometimes it's drawing a picture for the loved one,
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sometimes it's releasing balloons as a ceremonial closure,
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sometimes it's having a photo
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of the loved one placed in their room.
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It's really important because they're not cognitive,
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they need to have an emotional experiential connection.
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to not only the life,
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but also the loss.
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So it's important to provide them with those opportunities for closure
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and be open to having discussions.
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Your neutrality and your preparedness for those conversations
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will influence future conversations.
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Here's what I mean.
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If your child comes to you and says,
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so is Grandpa gonna come back after he goes to heaven?
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Is he gonna come back?
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If you get really emotional,
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if you react because you weren't expecting that question,
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if it really upsets you because you're going through your own grief,
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if you
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don't tell the truth,
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if you are uncomfortable with that conversation,
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the child learns,
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oh,
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OK,
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mom,
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dad,
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fill in the blank,
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can't handle those kinds of questions.
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I won't ask them anymore.
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So the more neutral you can be,
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the more open you can be,
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the more welcoming you can be to those random questions and conversations
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without your own emotions getting in the way.
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And that's not to say that you're not grieving.
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You probably loved the person that your child loved.
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It's not about not grieving.
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It's about being neutral enough to say,
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I'm actually really sad and I miss that person too,
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so I'm crying,
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but it's normal to cry when you miss someone.
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So it's not shield them from your emotion,
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it's be honest about your emotion,
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but it's being neutral
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so that they feel comfortable talking to you.
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If you run into another room and sob for 10 minutes,
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they think they've done something wrong.
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Oh,
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I made mom,
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dad,
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so and so really sad.
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I'm not gonna do that again.
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So be really intentional with the way that you respond to those questions
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and
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age appropriate truth always.
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A child's going to have a lot of questions about death.
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That's a natural part of them making sense of what happened.
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So you need to be able to answer those
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questions and give them space for those questions.
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They're not cognitive,
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so when a question comes up,
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it's rare that they're going to think through something.
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So if they're thinking about it,
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it's really important that that
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conversation takes place neutrally and appropriately
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because those are moments where they are able to receive truth
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and that's really powerful.
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So I hope that that's helpful for you.
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I know that death is not an easy discussion for anyone.
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It's certainly not easy when we're grieving ourselves,
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but we do need to be equipped to handle that in an appropriate way.
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So I hope that that was helpful and that it encourages you.
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If you're walking that journey right now,
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please reach out to hospice.
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There are local hospice branches in most areas of the country,
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and they provide bereavement counseling,
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grief counseling.
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Many of it is free.
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So
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I really encourage you if you are actively walking that path with your family,
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I would encourage you to find your local hospice and and get involved with them.
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They are an absolutely incredible organization
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and obviously for your child's sake,
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also consider child-centered play therapy so that a play therapist
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can also help support your child and your family.
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As you walk through that process.
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All right,
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I greatly appreciate y'all.
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Thanks for hanging out with me each week.
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We'll talk again soon.
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Bye.
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Thank you for listening to
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the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.