Latest / Alive & Kicking: Stories of Waking Up with Kay Eck / Interview with Alexa Schill

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Interview with Alexa Schill · Alive & Kicking: Stories of Waking Up with Kay Eck

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I'm Kay Eck, and welcome to my podcast, Alive and Kicking: Stories of Waking Up.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, my guest on the podcast today is Alexa Schill, my dear friend.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, Alexa.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, Kate.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: So Alexa is a mom, partner, author, artist, and friend who loves working with children, especially those who might have the tendency to be overlooked or disregarded.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Her gift is to make them feel seen and heard and valued.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: She became skilled at cultivating a sense of safety and reassurance as a necessity for her own healing.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: She is an observer of life and all its in-between spaces.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: She's really an angel, touched down in form.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I added that bit because it's true.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So welcome, Alexa.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for having me.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm really excited to talk to you today because although you and I have had, I don't know, hundreds of conversations about the spiritual path, I actually don't really know that much about your early life.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm looking forward to diving into that a little bit.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: But somebody the other day asked me how I would define awakening.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought, well, that's such a great question.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start there.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So how would you define awakening?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I love that question.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: I loved, I love that.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: I think awakening isn't one huge thing that can happen.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: But I think awakening when you find yourself in that moment where things seem to click, whether they're painful or something that we've carried shame with, or something that we totally find joy in, it's that moment of realizing how it truly is all connected.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: And you really can't have one without the other.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: And meaning you can't have half of your story that may be painful or shameful without the other half that brings you to the wisdom and the joy and the self-worth.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because truly awakening is bringing you back to yourself time and time again.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Not one big aha moment, even though we all have those, but all the little aha moments along the way that create that.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that the more awake you become, the more aha moments there are.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like life becomes a string of aha moments.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: But for some people, there some people I have heard do have that one big awakening.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's like wow and amazing, and sometimes it's like awful and challenging.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um for most of us, the path is much more prolonged.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's a it's like I said, it's a string of awakenings.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with your your childhood.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what was your childhood like?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: What what was your sense of yourself as a child?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh I like that.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um I knew at a very young age that I was born into a very grown-up situation.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like I remember feeling incredibly out of control of what was happening around me, but at the same time I had a strong sense of knowing that it was separate from me, if that makes sense.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I I knew I kind of adapted a mantra at a very young age, that it was gonna get better.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was gonna get better, and I don't know if that was just a sense of survival that I had ingrained in me or a knowing that the outside stuff that was going on really had nothing to do with me, but I was born into it, and I knew I needed to figure out a way to use it as a strength.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And early on, I felt like I was kind of clawing my way out of each moment, if that makes sense, because it was really where I was.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um and again, you know, as a child, you're kind of carried along with your parents' path or whoever you end up living with, you're carried along their experiences.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so at times it was very split, at times it was very good and kind of the ideal childhood, or what you somebody would consider ideal on the outside, and then there was this other side that was happening in conjunction with my dad and um kind of that growing up with him.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Very split.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I I think that you know, it's obvious that you came in with some innate wisdom, some some divine wisdom that you always had, you had early and often, but that doesn't mean that the situation is going to be any easier or less traumatic.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds like you were born into somewhat of a chaotic um environment, um, maybe some unsafety.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to talk a little bit?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just dive right in and tell us what what that was like for you as a child, like your your human child.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, my human child.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: I actually talk to her a lot because the opportunity to go back and heal that space is something that I'm now learning as I work with children and as I've gotten older.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um when my I was born in 1977, and even though that seems like we should have been maybe more progressive, um, it was during a time where women still really weren't listened to if their husband was abusive.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, people weren't talking about mental illness the way they are now.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't a common dialogue, it was a dialogue that just was not really even addressed.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: And if it was, oftentimes it was kind of put back onto the woman again, like, oh, well, what did you do wrong?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Or um, no, your husband wouldn't have done that or must have had a reason.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: So my biological father was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but he's also an alcoholic and an addict.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: So when I was born, my mom was actually starting the process to separate from him, but the divorce wasn't finalized until I was about five or six.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: So the first five or six years of my childhood was in that chaotic space of kind of dealing with his schizophrenia, and that would change it every minute.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um dealing with him having visitation, not having visitation, um, everything took a really long time, I think because of lack of conversation or people um, you know, not wanting to talk about abuse and really look at it for what it was.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so we were we were in a constant state of fear and chaos and kind of trying to figure it out.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the flip side is my mom really created our space to feel like home and to be safe.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: So she really was also living in two worlds at the same time.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and the amount of you know resilience and hopefulness, and of course, I've met your mom, she's just the sweetest, most delightful woman.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and your relationship with her is really so special.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I love being a witness to it, but um, you know, back then um the notion of being safe and um is one thing, but the idea that women should have that their desires should be at the forefront of their own lives was you know completely foreign.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Did your mom have that ability to say what she wanted for herself?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think she did in ways.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think um her resilience and her strength gave her that voice.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I I think that she has that ability to compartmentalize very well in order to move forward.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's how she has found her voice and was able to find her voice back then.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, she did not graduate from college but ended up running HR for one of the biggest insurance firms in the US.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, she had no experience with mental illness or abuse.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: She came from an awesome family, yet she was able to leave my father and eventually use her situation and start uh a foundation in Wheaton that was in conjunction with the People's Resource Center and really used her experience to then help others.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I think definitely in ways she found her voice in in the way of moving forward.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: I think what she did.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, why do you think your soul dropped you into that life?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think it's interesting that you're you work primarily with children, uh, teaching yoga and meditation and other on other skills.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And um you're able, you know, the fact that you were able to go back and heal so much of your past kind of puts you in a really sweet spot in terms of being able to recognize and give children the hope that they can heal from anything, right?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: What what's your sense of why your soul dropped you into that life?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: I think um, sorry, I think that's exactly why.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I never lost that sense of empathy that I feel all children have.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we're all we're all born with that open heart.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I I think I just I was dropped into this life to keep it and to break through that pattern and help other people break through that pattern of shame or unworthiness, or even the isolation that sometimes we carry, thinking that our story is so different and worse than somebody else's.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's different, but none of our stories are necessarily isolating.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: They don't they don't need to have that power if that makes sense.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that um that's what keeps us all connected.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that being dropped into this space, but then really being able to still hold on to that empathy and to be able to see it in other people.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think that's the biggest reason that I'm here is to help with that healing.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: So talk a little bit about your healing journey because I think it's um, you know, it would be easy to kind of assume that your trajectory is like all up, but that's probably not the truth.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there I'm sure that the abuse took you to some low lows as well as some high highs.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So can you talk a little bit about that path?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, definitely.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I think you're exactly right.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you we really can't have the high without the lows.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was very fortunate.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: I had some key people along my path that right place at right time, they were in in the area um where they were able to hold space and recognize maybe that I would benefit from hearing their story.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I was writing about that today.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: I I mean, really sharing our stories creates so much healing and hope for other people hugely.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um so for me, those low lows, I I feel I was able to get through those from those key conversations and holding on to them at a really young age.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I definitely have worked with anxiety my entire life and um even had a very significant low low around the age of 13, where I definitely I made a conscious decision to stay here in this lifetime and to work through whatever those lows, low lows were gonna be, um in order to get me to the place where I am now.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, when you find yourself in that space, you're kind of pulling at everything you can, but especially at that age, um there's a lot of faith involved and a lot of um moments, you know, you're you're really pulling at everything at that point because you don't really know where to go, so you're pulling things out of the air.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think most people who's working who work with depression anxiety find themselves in that moment throughout their lives, definitely.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: So right, it sounds like your life did bring you to a two a choice point.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, I think it's important to for to recognize and to talk about that because I mean it's it's a common um it's a common thing that people face.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um and if you want people to have hope, you have to be honest about where you've been and how healing is possible no matter how low the lows are.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I I really want to thank you for that.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: So your um what were your like high school years in your 20s?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: So you started to you made this decision and I'm sure it wasn't easy from there, but then how did you navigate through your teens and early 20s?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it was it was messy.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: I I think um I had I had actually compartmentalized quite a bit during that time because I think after that moment and after that decision, I drew this emotional line in the sand for myself, thinking, okay, well, I made this decision, this is my story, and it's gonna be my strength.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: And that's great.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: And on paper, that's sounds awesome.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: But there is so many layers to that and so many different triggers that come up.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I think in high school, you know, reflectively I see it.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um I often surrounded myself with situations that mirrored how I felt inside.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I had an opportunity to transfer schools.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: So freshman sophomore year, I transferred schools, and opportunities start over, and on paper, best case scenario, great school, very artistic, very fun for me.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: But inside it didn't match that experience.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I was very shy, I was very withdrawn.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: I had um a couple close friends, which was great, but kind of sort of friends with everybody, but not necessarily close with anybody.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I really felt lost inside, you know, I really felt unworthy of everything, unworthy of God's love, unworthy of closeness, of intimacy, of friends.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: I kind of just fumbled along.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but then again, after high school and after kind of having different experiences, I feel like I then cultivated a new strength and then a new beginning of stepping into that space.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: And okay, now what does your story mean?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you say it's your strength, but what does that mean?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: And what are you willing to do about it, basically?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I had to kind of start over again and dive in a little bit.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: So my 20s were full of that, but I also was a mom by then, and I had to again make that decision of what what was that gonna look like, not only for me, but now for my son.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that was actually an awesome opportunity to step into that space and that strength because I knew I could do it for myself and I wanted to do it for myself, but he really pushed that space of okay, now you have to do it because now I'm raising a child and I wanted to be the best version of myself, and that that meant all the parts of it, not just the shiny pretty ones, but what was my story and really being honest about that?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: So the 20s, um 20s were a lot of that, and stepping into that ownership in order to be a good mom.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and how old were you when you had your son?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was 22.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: 22, okay, so pretty young.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so at that, did you go to college?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: I went to community college and then I went to school for massage and physical therapy.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you were working as a massage therapist, raising a child.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and did you have a partner at that time?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Did you get married?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get married.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: We had talked about getting married, and we were living in Arizona, and again, it reached a crossroads of your life is either gonna go this way or your life can go this way.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew that my decision had to had to be more of just kind of what I wanted, obviously.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: And we ended up separating and um it just I I don't know if any if either one of us anticipated to stay separate really when we made that decision.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: But then it just that's just kind of where it grew.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I can't even imagine the amount of courage it must have taken at 22 or 23 or 24 or whatever to say, yeah, I think I'm gonna be on my own with my baby, and uh, you know, just do living life that way.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that that was an incredible decision, and that took a lot of inner strength.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Where did that strength come from?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even imagine myself at that age, uh no.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't know.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: I really look back at that time and especially as my son is approaching his 20s.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I just I knew what I had to do.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: I really just had that clear vision of who I wanted to be for my son, and then who I wanted to be for myself.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: What what does that look like?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I I wanted to be able to stand on my own two feet and have financial security and have emotional security, even if it meant being alone, because really that strength came from my childhood.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want my son to experience the same chaos that I experienced.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um granted he was gonna have his own chaos or chaos was gonna happen, even no matter what I chose.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: But I knew it had to be less in any form.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: I just knew it had to be less.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: So that strength I really believe came from from that.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: And and I had a great, have a great family.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: I have a great support team.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: My mom, um, my stepdad, who I call dad, they really welcomed whatever path with open arms.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I was able, I was able to be strong.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: I was able to have that base and come home and work two jobs and then go to school after I put my son to bed at night.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: I went to night school.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I was able to do that because I had people that that had me.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: I knew they had that, they were holding that space so I could do it.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: I remember we were talking about this not too long ago.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and how you you felt that during that period when you were on your own raising your son, that it you had you came to this point where it was like you're standing on a precipice, right?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, because that's a pretty scary place for a 24-year-old to be, and you decided to step into a greater version of yourself, and you felt that at the time you were um you know really like expansive.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is that how that time period?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is that how you remember that time period?
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: And has that have you continued to expand in that way, or have there been uh moments of contraction as well?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, definitely both.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: That time was expansive.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: That that time was scary and uncomfortable, but invigorating and huge.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I really felt strong and at peace at the same time, even though even though it was scary, and then you know, you're stepping away from somebody that you love and you thought you're gonna have a different type of life with, and you're changing roads every second, but I just I I trusted it, and I don't know if it's because I didn't feel I had a choice but to trust it because I was really just writing my script from second to second.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I think that's where that expansion comes from, really.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's being scared and doing it anyway, and it's surrendering, yeah, it's totally surrendering to any kind of idea about what the outcome might be.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because we really have no idea, and and that's something that children already have.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: Children are born without even thinking about choosing surrendering or non-surrendering or planning the outcome, but then if something totally different is gonna happen, it's not even a thought for them, and I think that's the whole point.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: Most religions and cultures live by that saying of returning to your childlike wonder.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I I really think that's where that expansion comes from is that trust, that surrendering, that childlike wonder, even if you're scared.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I I did that.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: That was kind of every second of my 20s, and then and then I think it ebbs and flows like anything, and I think it definitely for a minute slowed down, and now I find myself coming back to it again, and I kind of feel like I'm meeting an old friend, like, oh, there you are, and I'm so you know, I'm excited, those moments are exciting when you start to feel comfortable in your skin again and um start to step into that space of of surrender because I think we forget and we raise families or we go on to have careers, and we have all these different, I guess for lack of a better word or explanation, we have all these different hats that we end up wearing, and we feel we need to control them so everybody else's lives will go smoothly or our jobs will go smoothly.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when in fact everybody's just having their own experience that we don't necessarily have to control, but I think that's what we learn along the way, definitely.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think about um, you know, the the instructive value of having children or even just being around children and seeing how much they live in the moment because they don't have a concept of the future because they don't have a concept of the past.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: So um, you know, their memories aren't the same as ours are.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And when you only have one decision to make and it's in the moment right now, and there's nothing affecting it except for how you feel, that's like the optimal way to live, right?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's no there's no anxiety over that.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's no regret because you just don't have that capacity.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's really, and then on the flip side, you know, children end up raising children that ends up teaching us more about life, probably, than anything else.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Has that been your experience?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yes.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: The more you have to learn, the more children you have.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have four children, so it's I love that.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: I know I always say I would have had six, eight, twelve, give me all the kids, because I I think you're right.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: I know you're right.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: I believe that our children have way more to teach us, and it's going back to that divinity and that purity and being in a constant state of surrender because it's exactly what you said, you don't have concept of the past.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: So now, as grown-ups, grown-ups, how do we figure out how to live like that in our present moment and heal without having a concept of the past over and over again?
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it happens in every moment, right?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, wow.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, can you talk a little bit about your parenting because um you have you've had more children?
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us um how that came about and um all of that.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I met my husband when my son was two, two and a half.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and he was is sparkly and shiny, and just I felt like he was my person right away.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_01: I never expected to get married though.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_01: I I knew I would always have more kids, whatever that looked like, whether I would adopt by myself or work in an environment where I was taking care of children.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but marriage just never really necessarily appealed to me, but there he was, and there I was.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_01: So we we got married when our son um was six, so we dated for a few years, and then we've had two more children since then.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a 19-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a seven-year-old, and they have definitely always are teaching me, and my parenting is always changing, which I think is my greatest strength.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not holding on to anything that I think I know really, because it may not work in the next moment, and I've learned that, and it definitely won't work for the next child because they're also different and they need something different in each moment.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I try to keep my parenting as fluid as possible because I have found that in the moments that I'm holding on super tight based on my idea, it's basically because I'm scared or I've had a personal experience from my past that I'm projecting into theirs.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that's not fair because they're just their own little huge people, human beings, here for their experience, and that's all it that's all it's supposed to be about.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: So if I don't stay fluid and redirect my parenting, um I can't really give them a safe split, safe space to be that person.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's what I love about your parenting style is um that you really are able to allow your children to be who they are.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that is not so easy when you know they're behaving in a way that uh makes you feel uncomfortable, you're a little bit worried about you know how other people are going to react to that.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, that's that's really that's really difficult.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: I know for myself, the moment that I realized that my children had more to teach me than I had to teach them was such a huge relief to me because I felt so inadequate to the task of teaching them anything when I was still, I had I still had so much to learn for myself.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: So this pairing of children and parents is something that is so divinely inspired, I can't even imagine.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it it how can you view it any other way?
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think your individual children have taught you?
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so much.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I love that you just said that the divine pairing.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_01: I believe in that so much.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: I believe that we have these agreements coming in that we're gonna learn from each other and we're gonna have those experiences in different forms.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_01: Each of my children have definitely taught me something different.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my first teaches me strength all the time, and he always has completely just strength and perseverance.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_01: I have seen him rise from his ashes over and over and over again, especially in the last few years during his his high school time, but even thinking about his childhood, there have been moments where he was he is very good at being able to see and feel things clearly, but also able to express them.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: And those are things that I think people muddle through their entire life, feeling feeling clear enough to and strong enough to express them.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_01: So his perseverance I think offers clarity and it offers strength.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my 10-year-old, she is a force, and and she came into the world fast and furious.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: She was a 10-minute labor and um praying that she wasn't born in the car, basically.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and she has been the same way since.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: She is uh, I guess, a peaceful warrior, I would describe her.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: She's strong and an introvert and likes to watch, but then she is just kind of beyond her years with what she is capable of um, I guess, digesting, for lack of a better word.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_01: And and just she she sees things in her way and she's really okay doing it like that.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: So through her, I learn, you know, just how you can be comfortable in your own skin, and there's not always that emotional attachment of wanting to fit in.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I think sometimes we we have that, we want to fit into a group or we want to be um part of whatever, and she she is just who she is, she's very comfortable being herself, and I love that.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_01: And then um my youngest is the one who's just gonna do it all.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, she's just um the one that can can and will run the show, and I I learned that about her, and she is well, they all have a really funny sense of humor, so it kind of keeps it light, but um my youngest is very quick-witted, so she can she can find the light in anything, so she keeps all of us laughing, which is great.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_01: They're they're all so funny.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're great, yeah.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, talk a little bit about your the spiritual path in terms of how it influences your partnering, so being a partner to your partner.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think the the strongest influence is being able to love him and people in general, but him especially where he is at.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_01: Almost, and I'm learning.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think that you can go both ways.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can over-understand any situation, sometimes to the point of where it's taking more from you, or you can really love somebody where they are at in a healthy way, where it's healthy for both of you because you're still loving them, but it's almost almost attaching in a way, if that makes sense.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I think I've learned that through my own personal surrendering and my own personal path with spirituality and and how I know we're all here to have those human experiences to return back to ourselves and to return back to our spirituality and to God.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: So for for my husband, I'm able to kind of return to that space in a in a way all the time that I I really feel is right now cultivating healing.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but also he's he's doing his own work and he's stepping into that space.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: So we we do have both together.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't know if spiritually I would be on the same path without him and without his experiences and and ours combined.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_01: So we really are a good balance in that way because we're bringing out those lessons for each other and really those experiences.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um those experiences are exposing the need to individually do the self-work in order to be better together.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_01: So you can't have one without the other.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy, is it?
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_01: No, not at all.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, it's not easy, but then I look at that and I you know nothing that's worth it is easy, whether it's staying with somebody or not staying with somebody.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it's really, I think that those defining moments that give us the most opportunity to learn and to grow.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's like here's your um your your state of knowing.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have something to push against it, then it doesn't expand, it just stays where it is.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I think of like the challenges that we face in life as like this pressure on the known so that we can expand more into the unknown.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you expand into the unknown, the more you know.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and the more you don't know.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it is.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's so that is so it's so exactly what it is, and sometimes it feels like a pressure cooker.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it feels like if you don't feel like you're gonna break.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, and sometimes the breaking is exactly what you need.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: You need that that push and that pull.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and by no means do I mean it in that unhealthy way, but you do, you need to kind of bust through it.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you don't know what you don't know, so you have to find out, yeah, you have to figure that out.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and be vulnerable.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_01: Being vulnerable is hard, it's hard, so hard.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: But it's probably the most important thing.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_00: I agree, I agree, definitely.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so has the journey of awakening generally been easy for you?
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: What are the rewards?
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: No, it it hasn't been easy, but there's just no other way.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's almost like I kind of welcome, I don't welcome, I mean, I don't want to say I welcome the anxiety and the pain and all, you know, all those things mixed in, but I welcome the opportunity to always figure it out.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_01: And that's kind of where I always come back to.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_01: What's the opportunity in this situation?
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, even for for my stuff that comes up, and it's always coming up.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's not like I and I don't ever anticipate reaching a point of just okay, now I'm totally awake.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like I think it's always right, it's always gonna be those moments and loving myself through them and knowing that even if I'm triggered or um I noticed lately that the more I dive into my childhood, I have feelings that I think I've misplaced along the way.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_01: So then I'm looking at other people and other relationships, and um it's bringing up a lot of hurt for that child, and it's bringing up um anger and resentment.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_01: So with that awakening, I feel I'm able to kind of talk myself through it and cultivate a healing without the need to talk to that person about it.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I think there's a need, definitely, and I believe in making amends and apologizing if you have something to apologize for and having those open conversations, but then sometimes I think it's really just walking yourself through it, and that's that's the spiritual path for me, and that's those are those little awakenings that happen that I'm able to have now, um, and find the opportunity and the anxiety and those low moments too.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_00: For me, the um getting on the path, which I think you alluded to, it's like once you're on it, you can't really get off of it.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because to do that would go would mean from living deeply to living a more shallow in a more shallow way, and it's just not going to be satisfying, it's just not going to bring you joy, it's just going to keep you in stasis, you know.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I think of um, you know, there's kind of two things happening for me on the spiritual path.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: One is that you're going deeper, deeper and deeper, and there's always more depth to discover about the human life that you've lived and the spirit that you've embodied.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, there's more, there's more love and joy and brightness and hope and connection.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like you're simultaneously going deeper and expanding.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just something that you can't um not have once once you have it.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_01: No, I agree.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, physically, I don't feel it's even a possibility because you really do feel it everywhere.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_01: You feel it emotionally, spiritually, physically.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think often when we do do that, we talked about the expansion and the contraction.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think when we're in those times of contracting, those lessons are still coming up.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_01: They're maybe coming in different forms or the opportunity to kind of work through things or trying to come in different ways, even sometimes to the point where we physically become sick.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's because we're we're supposed to be working through those opportunities and with them, and they're gonna come in other ways.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I just don't think it's physically possible to avoid.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_01: We just can't happen.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, right.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can't get off that train.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_01: No, and it feels like the crazy train sometimes.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: It does, and and right, and I think it's important to note that this path is not always full of light and um and brightness, but it's it can be very scary, it can feel like you're going crazy, it can feel rather desperate.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_00: But like you said, once you get to a certain point, you start to understand that there's something to learn in every situation.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: So your your emotions don't go down that a rabbit hole of dark despair.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, yeah, this has come up for me to take a look at.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna take a look at it, and then I'm gonna be on the other side of it.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: With more depth and more expansion.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_02: It's a good one.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_00: So that's that to me is the reward of sticking with the spiritual path.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I I love hearing like all the different places where people are on the path because it's it's endlessly varied, but then there's also like this universal thing to it.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: So let me ask you this: where do you feel like we're headed in terms of like our human, the human race, humanity?
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_00: Where are we headed?
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_01: I feel with all of the desperation that I think people are feeling, I really feel like we're cultivating arising, we're having more conversations, we are putting everything on the table.
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_01: And even though it's stirring up, well, obviously, things that were always there, whether it's hate, discrimination, um, money, war, politics, everything, everything is on the table.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: So there's no opportunity, I don't feel, to go any other way, really, but up.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't feel there's a timeline for that either, because it's not something that's gonna happen instantaneously, but I do feel like there is a collective cultivation of light workers, healers, doctors, all of us, everybody, teachers, children, elders, we are all coming to this space, and our our voices are coming together to be heard.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: So it creates a unified experience.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_01: Even though I think people feel so detached right now because of where we find ourselves in the present moment, it's still creating a unity.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_01: Those conversations are still happening now more than ever.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_01: Everything really is on the table as far as people wanting to just be who they are, you know, and also the social awareness that's happening, whether it's through those conversations or the opportunities that social media provides for people that are across the world from us, we are able to connect now more than ever and provide support and provide opportunity for our younger generation to step into that space, which they're already stepping into.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this younger generation, I feel they are a hundred times ahead of us, really truly.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um so as far apart as we seem, I feel like we're we're gonna end up more unified because it's already happening through all these little bits and pieces.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's exciting.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, all right.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_00: So are you ready for the our lightning round?
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so I'm gonna ask you a series of questions and you're going to answer them and we'll see how that goes.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready?
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do it.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_00: What does infinity feel like to you?
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, infinity, vastness, opportunity, uh, expansion.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um love.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think love.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, number two, what could if you could invent anything, what would you invent?
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_01: Anything?
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's so good.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_01: It could be oh, I don't know.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um gosh, I don't know.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I could name a hundred different things clean air, clean water, a money tree.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if I could have been, okay.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_01: Not necessarily a bartering system, but a village system.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_01: Something where we all got back to it takes a village, and we all had that sense of moral responsibility to each other, but especially our children and our elders.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_00: I got I had a vision uh yesterday about how a village would be constructed uh physically to facilitate each representing their own gifts and coming together in perfect um community to serve one another.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was really interesting.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_00: It was like the it was like a the shape of a lotus flower, you know, where there's like a center part and then everything grew out from there in a really organic and beautiful way.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, perfect.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_00: All right, number three.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you remember living any other lives?
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_00: How many?
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_02: Lots or a few?
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot, and I rem I remember them segmented.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um sometimes I wonder if I'm living other lives right now, um, because I just I feel them and I I can see them in my dreams or those sliding glass doors.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I really I really feel it.
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_00: All right, number four, what do you experience that others may not empathy, empathy and pain for other people?
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_01: I I've always been very open in that sense.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I have tried to shift it or change or you know, put those blinders on, but my heart is open and I I feel it, and I can read a room in half a second.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think everybody is capable of doing that.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think I was just never capable of not doing it.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_00: Awesome.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, what's the difference between prayer and meditation?
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_01: I feel meditation is the surrendering of prayer, meaning often when we find ourselves praying, it could, and I for myself too, it can be please don't let this happen, please make this happen, or please do this, please do that, kind of a frantic sense of self, but it also peels off those layers that leads me to the state of meditation, which is surrendering and being in that space of okay, whatever's gonna happen, it's gonna happen, and I know it's it's with meaning, and it's gonna have my best interests at some point, maybe not right now, which is what I'm praying for, but it will come.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh, that's really powerful.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, last question: what is your favorite place on planet Earth?
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm, honestly, physical place that I've been to, or in general, in general, whatever in general, when all five of us, or all my family, but there's just something about when you have cultivated that family, whoever that looks like, whether it's grandparents or children, but I love when all five of us are together.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_01: I really love it.
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny, it's funny how we all interact together.
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I love seeing my children's relationships in that moment, and typically it's the unexpected moment, you know, the organic ones that you didn't plan.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, that's my favorite space, yeah.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_01: And Big Sur.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_01: I love Big Sur so much.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_01: So my family and Big Sur would be ideal.
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_00: Perfect combo.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_01: The perfect combo.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, nice, nice, yeah.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so um now it's your turn.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have a question for me today?
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_01: I do because before we did the interview, I started writing about, and we talked a little bit about it during this interview, those moments where I really feel God has placed certain people in my life to remind me of who I am and opportunity and my lowest moments that came from those people who were able to share their story honestly and organically.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_01: You, you know, are one of those people for me.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was wondering who who have been those people for you along the way, and and I, you know, you think of the years that we've been alive, but we all have those top five people or top two or top ten that were able to really love us in that moment by sharing their story.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, well, there've been so many.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I in a way, I feel like everybody that you encounter serves that purpose, and so it it's hard to single out one.
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've had so many powerful teachers in my life, but I I do have this one moment that was so divinely aligned and inspired that I have not been able to forget it because well, I'll tell you what it was, and then you can see why.
• 54:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it was around 2011, and I was at a really, really low point.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was in a dark hole.
• 54:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was in a hole, and it had been um, it was right around the time when I was doing my yoga teacher training, and so that process really got me onto a new path of deep exploration in a different way, and and that process took me to this dark place within me that was there needing to be um lit up.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_00: But um I just didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_00: I I knew I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing, it was just like that whole conversation going on in my head, and I got a message on Facebook from someone who I went to grade school with, and she and I weren't even really very close, although I, you know, we I went to a small Catholic school, so we knew everybody.
• 55:05
  SPEAKER_00: And in the message, she said that she had a a lot of admiration for what I did when I was in elementary school, and that was basically to defend the um underdogs, the girls who weren't popular um against the popular girls, that I was able to speak up and to say to them, like, what you're doing is not right, it's not nice, and she said um that she wishes that she had had the courage and the backbone to do that, also, and that was that like changed my trajectory because it was a reminder of what I always felt that I had come to do, much like you, which was to lift people up and um and to cast light, you know, where there might not be.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like somebody had dropped down a little lifeline, you know, that I could then start climbing up.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, so that was just uh that's awesome.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_00: She reminded you of who of who I was, yeah, yeah, and it was such a gift because you know, prior to that I hadn't talked to her in probably like 35 years or something like that.
• 56:36
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, the the timing and she held you in her heart that way for that amount of time, yeah.
• 56:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing, awesome.
• 56:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love that.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_01: Me too.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so um I wanna thank you so much for being with me today.
• 56:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a real joy, your beautiful self shining there.
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, would you like to tell anybody who might be interested in learning more about you, uh, how to find you?
• 57:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, sure.
• 57:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um I work with teens and I offer meditation and yoga classes.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then you can find me on Facebook and I'm also on Instagram.
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_01: And my children's books are under Harriet the Hippa Yoga Mess, both both on Facebook and Instagram.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_00: And your and your name on Facebook is it Alexa Rose?
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_01: It is, yes.
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_00: Alexa Rose on Facebook.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for being here with me.
• 57:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's been great fun.
• 57:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's awesome.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.