Latest / Dear Chelsea / Proper Trash with Antoni Porowski

Transcript

Proper Trash with Antoni Porowski · Dear Chelsea

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, Happy birthday.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: It's my birthday today. Even though this is airing on Thursday,
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: we're recording it on my fiftieth birthday. Everybody, I am
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: fifty years old. Five Oh baby.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: You know it's a significant birthday, and hopefully this year
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: will be just as significant.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: It's gonna be significant in more ways than one, hopefully
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: more good ways than bad ways.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Good. I mean, your book is out, You're going on
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: tour in Europe. You have like all these things when
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: you're just still doing your book tour.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: My book is available, everybody. It is finally on the shelves.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: So if you are listening to this podcast and you're
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: an avid listener, not only do I want you to
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: go and purchase my book, I want you to leave
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: a review on Amazon or Barnesandnoble dot com. Support the
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: book if you like it, If you love it, tag
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: me and tell me which part you love the most.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: I'll retag you and repost you. But I want lots
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: of interactions. So please, all my podcast listeners, this is
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: our moment.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: This is it. This is it. So where's your birthday
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: party in New York? Can you talk about where? When?
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: All the exciting things.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: It's just we threw it together. It's tonight at Mulberry
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: or the Mulberry, I don't know, some little kind of
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: bar restaurant situation. And I'm going to the ninety second
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: street Wide to have a conversation with tanks about my book.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: I've done fifty seven talk shows in twenty four hours
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: and fifty thousand podcasts, and definitely people know I have
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: a book out. There's no way around it.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Good good, I'm so glad. And people may notice that
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: you sound a little bit different right now, and that's
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: because you are literally in the glam chair getting ready
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: to go do both of those things.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: Also, I want to remind people that my Owlsbrew is
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: on the shelves. Chelsea Handler's vodka Lemonade is available now
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: in store. So if you have a book club and
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: you guys want to drink while you're reading, which is
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: definitely what you should be doing, and not even if
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: you are reading the book, just if you want some nice,
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: smooth vodka lemonade mixes. We have Classic, we have Pink,
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: and we have Mint. And I'm so excited about this
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: collab with Owls Brew, So please show your support when
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: you can if you like beverages that are mixed, smooth
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: and non carbonated. We made them especially for well, for
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: me and for you and Chelsea.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: We know you have good taste. So we're so excited
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: for our guests today too. It's Anthony Parovski, Oh my.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: God, wonderful. Let's get the fucking party.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Started, and Anthony Perevski's new show, No Taste Like Home
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: is on Disney Plus and Nat Geo.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Okay, am I unmuted?
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: You are muted now, Chelsea.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: I'm I'm muted.
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: Oh okay, now, hi nice.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: I don't know, guys, I'm sorry. I really don't even
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: know how the fuck to use a computer. I mean,
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: it really does not matter how many times a week
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: I do this. I really still can't understand and what's
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: going on, nor do I have any interest in finding out.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: Case in point.
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: So this is your first ever podcast episode, right, and
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: I'm honored to be your first.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Tax I mean you would you would think so?
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's probably like I can barely send a fucking email.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: So, but you're younger, You're a different generation.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: I'm forty, I'm most spring Chicken.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: That makes you what a millennial forty is that right.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: Congratulations on your new show, by the way, that it's
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: so sweet, you know, I love that shit. I love
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: when you can go travel and have a really beautiful
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: situation and then also talk to people there about the
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: culture and like make that actually palatable. For people who
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: don't give a shit about other people's culture, it's a
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: way for them to no pun intended, swallow it now totally.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: Well, I think it takes. My therapist always says she
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: can attribute ninety nine point nine percent of the world's
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: problems to a lack of embracing of diversity. And we're
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: afraid of what we don't understand, and that's how we
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: end up we I'm saying collectively, but them, that's how
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: like you end up judging people and stereotypes and all
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: that kind of stuff. And when you get to know
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: an individual and you get to know even just like
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: the history of addition, like what influenced it and all
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: that kind of stuff, it just makes it less scary
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: and sorry for the comparison, but like more palatable. You know.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: Well, it's also like I was reading something or listening
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: to something who knows what I was doing, and they
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: were talking about the idea that the color of your skinner,
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: the way that you look makes you different, like that
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: whole somebody had to build that notion because it's so
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: fucking stupid. It's like imagining opening up a box of
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: crayons and having one color.
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: I just want to ask, it's the add kicking in.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: I see beautiful like snow covered trees. Where are you?
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: I'm in Whistler, Canada.
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: Fuck yeah, I love it so much. I lived there
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: for four months.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: You did why well?
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: In Vancouver and my sister was running a bunch of
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: stores called Aritzia.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, yeah, they give me stuff all the time.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: Last year they came I came in and they were like,
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: we want to give you free jackets. I was like,
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: that's amazing.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: Go ahead, have a line called TNA that my sister called.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: Tits and ass where's your accent? From?
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: My accent? I'm Canadian originally, I'm from Montreal. Our family's Polish.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: You have Polish ancestry, do I? Apparently?
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: How do you know that?
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: When we were casting the really big web of like
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: dream people, I'm just gonna like throw it out there.
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: Me and my sister like, forty percent of our identity
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: is you like we find that were you, and You're
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: just so fucking funny. She's losing her shit. This is
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: the coolest thing I've ever done, in her eyes, more
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: than like all fucking seasons of Queer Eye. So she
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: was just really excited about this.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Ah, that's really cute. I love it.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: We did initial research and just by googling, we found
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: out that you supposedly have some Polish heritage.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Well, I definitely have some Eastern European in there, so
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: I'm sure that at one point everything was Poland, wasn't it.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: So I'm sure it was Poland. But I love that
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: I'm forty percent of your personality. That really makes me prideful.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: I love that kind of stuff. So when you were
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: doing these, like whenever I have to travel for work,
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I always find it it's such a great idea, and
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: then you do it and you're working instead of actually traveling,
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: and I would always be like, I have to come
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: back to this place when I'm not working, Like we
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: went to Saint Peter's or no, we went to Moscow,
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: and that's one place I actually don't have to go
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: back to. But when we were there, I was like,
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: it would be such a different experience if we weren't filming.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: I mean, the point of going is to film, but
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: then you want like an extra two days to vacation.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: I mean what I do is typically I try to
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: get somewhere at least a few days earlier. First of all,
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: jet lag, because it just wipes me off my ass,
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: and I have to like, what do you.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: Take for jet lag? Do do you take new Vigil?
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: New Vigil's a good pill for jet lag if you
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: can get a prescription for it.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: Oh, my dad's a physician, and so is my stepmom,
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: so I'll get it. I love the oh pharmaceuticals.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, it's like adderall but smooth, like it doesn't
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: make you jumpy, and it makes you like if you
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: have jet lag and you have to go somewhere, you
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: know that feeling is like almost it feels insurmountable.
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: Oh, I go cross side and then I try to
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: stay a few days afterwards. Just take it into like,
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: cause it's like, when the hell am I going to
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: end up in Borneo again? You know what I mean?
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: Right?
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: Probably next season. But I hear what you're saying, So
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: what's your situation? Are you gay? Straight, fluid? All of
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: the above, so.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: I mean, my past few relationships have been with guys.
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: I'm still consider myself attracted to women. I've had a
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: lot of relationships with women, and I don't know. It's like,
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: if you had to put me in a box, I
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: think it would be lilid.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: I guess fluid. I mean, who isn't really fluid when
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: you really think about it. I think everybody's a little
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: bit of something. You know, it's a spectrum, just like
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: everything else.
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: I mean, like, how could you know to Zoe Kravitz?
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: You know, right, of course? Of course, obviously there are
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: exceptions to every rule, even if there are no rules.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: What's your family situation? Do you have a brother?
• 7:46
  Speaker 4: No?
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: So I wish in Actually, in elementary school, I used
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: to lie that my mom was pregnant and I was
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: going to have a brother, And they would come back
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: from parent teacher conference and be like, you need to
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: stop fucking telling everyone that I'm pregnant because it's super awkward.
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: Like I'm having it, I'm in a mauzzle.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I used to lie all the time at school.
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: I have two older sisters, raised in a very matriarchal household.
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: Parents are Polish. Everyone was born in Poland or my
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: father in Brussels because his family fled there after the war.
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: I was the first one born in Canada.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Oh okay, yeah. I lied to my teachers all the
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: time too, by the way, whatever, anytime there was an
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: opportunity for a lie, I would lie to them just
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: because I thought they were kind of insulting to my intelligence.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I'm like, they were going to tell me what to do,
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: like I just couldn't. I couldn't square.
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: It's like you get to know the real me.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but also you get caught for it, and then
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: it's super embarrassing because they're like, you're not going to
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: be in the Private Benjamin movie. You're not Goldiehn's daughter,
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: You're actually psychopath. And you're like, oh, maybe I am
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: a little bit of a psychopath. I started watching the
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: Aquafina episode and I was seemed like she was going
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: to start crying, and I was like, oh, I would
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: love to see her that vulnerable.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: Yes, she I feel like she mostly cries. Of the episode,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: there's like more tears than not tears. Wow, yes, yes.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: Wow, Well we haven't seen that side of Aquafina. That's
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: pretty cool.
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: That was by far the most emotional episode. I mean,
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: I like snot cried. There were it was embarrassing, but
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: there are a few scenes were like she had to actually
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: take care of me. So with Nora, she hadn't been
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: back to South Korea since her mother passed away when
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: she was four years old. My mother had this really
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: rare illness that she developed as a result of her pregnancy,
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: and they basically she had a few months left to live,
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: and she decided what western medicine, I'm going to lean
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: into Eastern practices and she lived until Nora was four.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: And the dish that kind of like brought it all together.
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: We were sitting with this woman who had a PhD
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: in fermentation, who like supposedly according to herself, cured herself
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: with breast cancer using Eastern practices, was making this soup
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: with this broth and this rehydrated kelp and these pieces
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: of beef, and Nora smelled it as we were doing it,
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: and she got really emotional and started getting shaky, and
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: she was like, wait, I remember this scent from when
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: I was four years old. And then we learned that
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: this is something in mythology that Koreans used to look
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: at whales giving birth and they were depleted of eyes,
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: and they would eat calp to make themselves feel better
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: because food truly is medicine in their culture. Like themation
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: is we NESCo protected and so this won't Like for
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: Nora to have that realization that her mom not only
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: made a suit for herself but fed it to her
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: daughter as a way of trying to heal herself was
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: just one of them of most Wow, wild wild Wow,
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: that's really deep. Yeah.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, watching someone like take a bite of something, she
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: takes one bite and like bursts into tears and is
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: just transported. That's the power of scentse that's the power
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: of food. And I think it's surprising because the show
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: is not people would expect like, oh, Antony's gonna go
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: do a cooking shows, and it's not strictly a cooking show.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: It's a little bit who do you Think you are?
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: A little bit Anthony Bourday, like very beautifully produced, like
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: really rich storytelling, gorgeous vistas.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: I went on, who do you think you are? Did
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: you ever do that? Antony?
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: No?
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: I did it. My director and I did not get
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: along either. He was really annoying.
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: It's just like you're sitting there at a tablet that
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: is a comp that we use when we were developing
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: the show, and it's fine. It's interesting to learn about
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: your family history and all these people that you don't
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: know about, but to actually have it be experiential and
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: go in and try that things within their environment and
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: understand what was going on. We meet the historians and
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: genealogists who are like way fucking smarter than I am,
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: who are able to provide context into like what was
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: going on culturally and politically at the time. And it's
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: like the most basic things, Like we were in Senegal
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: and we try this thing called dombey, which is like
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: a bagette with a bean stew in it, and you
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: learn that the importance of it is because you know,
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: French occupation for hundreds of the years they left. The
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: Senegalese were like, we're gonna take the baguett, We're gonna
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: fucking make it better, softer, sweeter, We're gonna put in
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: our own stew. And now it's basically become It's kind
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: of like when you're in La and you see like
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: burrito stands on every corner. It's like everyone enjoys it.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: And this is something that is lily with history and
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: has all of these clues as to like what was
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: going on at the time. It's just fascinating.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: That is fascinating. It's so cool. Yeah, it's so cool
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: to be passionate about it. It's also it is very
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Anthony Bourdain.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: We need that.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: Are you hoping to fill his shoes? I mean, obviously
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: you don't want to fill his shoes, but you do
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: want to fill his shoes.
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: I mean, look, I like I read his books, so
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: I was obsessed with him growing up. I certainly don't
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: want to be derivative. It is something that comes to mind.
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: I think where he really excelled was using food as
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: that vehicle to tell those personal stories for people to
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: understand what was going on in the Middle East and
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: all these other places in the world where it was like,
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: it's about the food, but it's not really about the food.
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: It's everything that's kind of tied around it. And I
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: think what we learn from him is that he just
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: went personal and he got to know, like, you got
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: to tell these like human stories.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: You know, what is your least favorite food that you've
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: experienced so far? You have to be honest.
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, in Borneo, it didn't make it to the final cut.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: But I tried Durian. Are you familiar? No?
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Thinky fruit?
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: Right, smells like like a rotting chicken carcats like old
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: fruit situation. But one of our camera ops described it
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: as an overly ripe camembert with really sharp garlic. It's
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: intense and funky all put almost anything in my mouth.
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: It's one of those things that, like I tried it,
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: I don't need to go back there again. It was
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: a lot of funk.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: What is going on in Borneo exactly?
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: So with that was the Henry Golding episode. And his
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: mother is his father's British ex military His mother is
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: Ebon traditional, like an indigenous tribe in Sarrowwalk, and they
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: lived in these longhouses where like forty to sixty families
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: have their own living quarters and then the other half
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: of the long house. It's literally a longhouse in the
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: middle of the jungle. And it's these communal spaces where
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: they like teach each other to like cut bamboo and
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: put the rice in and put it on the fire
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: so that it becomes really nice and sticky. And it's
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: just with Henry, it was tricky because he knew so
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: much about his family history but we actually uncovered that
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: he had literal headhunters in his family line, and he
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: had multiples of them, and he had like a witch
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: and just kind of like learning about the spiritual practice
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: and like the spiritual significance of headhunting when they would
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: literally bring back these to their tribe. He remembered when
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: he was a kid.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: He I was like, I was like, what kind of
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: head hunter are we talking for a job?
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: Not the one I'm.
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: Thinking, Not the one I'm thinking of.
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: RCT, not our agents. But he remembers being a kid
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: and he was like, I actually remember seeing like human
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: skulls on like shelves. So to kind of like learn
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: the context of the whole thing is just I mean,
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: it's a whole other world. I tried things like torch ginger.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: I tried eight wild ferns, which were freaking delicious, and
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: wild egg plant, and it's like everything that they have there.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: It was like such a balance of I've never felt
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: like I was more out in the wild, like in
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: the literal middle of nowhere in nature and just away
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: from civilization, but at the same time this very human
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: thing of like the sense of community. I've never experienced
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: it more strongly than I did being with those people
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: for a week.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Wow, that's so cool.
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: I felt like Indiana Jones, All.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Right, let's not get carried away. Did you bring a
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: lover with you or were you on your own with
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: your crew? Like did you bring up plus one?
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: I was on on my own with the crew.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's nice to do that on your own, especially
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: with a crew, because it's like camp.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: It's a small crew, like Queer Eye, where like worship
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: a ton of people and we're in the US where
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: you have trailers and everything there. You don't have any
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: of that. When you're in northern Italy with Justin Thurreaux
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: or in Borneo. It's like you're waiting, like you're waiting
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: in a car.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: So you don't have a significant other in your dating
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: life right now, or you just kind of dating single,
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: single and mingle.
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: By the point where I feel like, whenever I have
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: something big or that i'm really excited about professionally, the
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: way that it works out, I always happen to be single.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: I'm so with you on that.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: So with you, I get too. Yeah, because I thought
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: the love relationships, I love the melding and getting to
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: know each other's families and like and.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: Then breaking up. Yeah, in that order, Like it's okay
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: to break up, but that's not a bad thing. That
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: means it's time to move on to something else, Like
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: we need to start celebrating divorces and breakups. Who cares.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: It's great, it's a new beginning.
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: The lessons you know what to take on to the
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: next one you have.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: Hopefully you learn the lesson. Some people are really really
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: remedial and you need to learn the lesson multiple times.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: But some people really learn lessons and then that's really nice.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: And then you have a celebration, Like every relationship is
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: a celebration. You got to know yourself a little bit better.
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's a cycle too, like I'm closer with
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: my friends when I'm not in a relationship, I get
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: to spend more time with my family. It's you know,
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: have you.
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: Had your heart broken?
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: Yes?
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: What was that?
• 16:24
  Speaker 5: Like?
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: It was devastating, It was really hard. It was I
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: don't know, Sorry, I didn't expect that, but it was.
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: It kind of having your heart broken or having my
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: heart broken just put into play and had me questions
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: sort of like do I need to change as a
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: person in some ways? And then in other ways it
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: was like, oh no, like I really fucking did my best,
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: wasn't perfect, made some mistakes, but like I really fucking
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: showed up. I put in the work, I gave it
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: all I could. I don't have any regrets. And then
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: sometimes I question myself and I'm like, is there anything
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: that I need to change? Am I to this or
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: to that? And but I'm like obsessed with therapy. I've
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: been going on and off since I was seventeen, and
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: for me, it's like I love self improvement, and then
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: it just kind of brings up that whole notion of
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: do I want to change and do I want to evolve?
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: But I'm also forty and I'm kind of like I'm
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: half baked at this point. I'm like parts of me
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: are the way that they are, and I should just
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: accept myself for who I am, as opposed to striving
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: to change all the time. So I'm in constant I'm
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: always in conflict with myself over like change, growth, evolve, adapt,
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: be better, listen to fucking mel Robbins. And then the
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: other side of like no, like just be happy with
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: who I am and content and like they should fucking
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: figure it out. You know.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and evolved doesn't mean change, Like you don't have
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: to change, You just get better at being who you are.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: So whatever qualities you have, good or bad, should always stay.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: You should just be able to you know when to
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: control them, and then they become even more enhanced. The
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: more evolved you become, everything just gets better. So there's yeah,
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: you should have no apologies about your personality. That just
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: keeps improving and improving as long as you're willing to
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: take a look at yourself and admit when you're wrong,
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: which is so hard for so many people to do.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: Like people don't and they don't know how to change.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: It's like change is so fucking easy. I haven't had
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: a drink for fucking four weeks because of this shoulder
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: situation I'm in, and like, finally I'm understanding the benefits
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: of not drinking, Like I went to two things without
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: drinking and I had a great time. And I'm like, oh,
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: I see the other side. This is like God's way
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: of getting me to just be sober. I'm like, no
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: matter what, though, I will never give up on alcohol,
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: like you will not ever get me to quit drinking,
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: so I might become like less of a drinker, but
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: I will not ever give up on alcohol. We've had
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: a good thing going for many, many years, forty years. Anyway,
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: I digress, as I always do.
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: We're in the same boat.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: We're vibing, right, so it's okay. But anyway, we're going
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: to get to the show. Now. You know what goes
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: on here right Like, we're going to give advice to people,
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: and they're gonna call in and they're gonna want to
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: They're gonna want your full attention, so you better get
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: ready for it. Catherine, tell us what's happening.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Oh, we have some great questions for you, Anthony. But
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: we'll take a quick break and we'll come right back.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: And we're back with Anthony Perovsky.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: Yes, I have a husband who is a lover of
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: Queer Eye, and I was like watching some of the
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: episodes of your new show on my computer, just like
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: in the same room as him, and he goes, is
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: that Anthony? So he recognized your voice?
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: I was like, it is.
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: Actually, did you ask him whose favorite member of the
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: Fab five is?
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: Of course?
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: And he said, Anthony, You're my favorite so far. But
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: I don't know, and I don't know if I know
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: every single one of them.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: Well, we had Bobby Burke on the show. We had
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: Bobby Burke and Caramo. Haven't had Ja Vienne.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: And then there's the Salt Pepper.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: We haven't had Tan. Yeah right, Tan and our new
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: friend dere Maya.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, perfect, I'm going to take a break then
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: I'll be right back.
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: Ah she's in a Whistler I'm so jealous.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so what were you doing living in Whistler.
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: Well, not whistle I was in Vancouver, but we would
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: go on weekends with my sister.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: Are you a ski bum?
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: I am? I am skiing since I was like four
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: years old.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Well Canadian that makes sense, I guess.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's kind of mandatory.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I am not a ski bum, but I'm a
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: ski lodge bum. Like I like to be in the
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: lodge with a cup of coco and a book under
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: a cozy plank, like that's what I want.
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: Yes, and maybe a poutine. I know that's really Canadian
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: of me to say, but like, come on.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: Well, see I grew up in Chicago and had a
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: lot of Michigan or friends, and they claim that poutine
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: is from Michigan, which we all know that that is
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: a reach, but they do love their poin.
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: Let us let us have Canada. I like Trump's trying
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: to fucking make it part of the U. I like,
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: just let us have our own thing, you know, leave
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: us alone. Poutine is Canadian.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm with you on that, Okay, Kenn.
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: Don't make it a thing. It's literally our entire national identity.
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: It's fucking fries and gravy and cheese cards.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: Yes, cheese cards pretty disgusting.
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: When they're mouthy.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: They're pretty good, they're so oh of course they're good,
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: but they're disgusting good that that's disgusting, Like I'd rather
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: eat like.
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like good. It's like proper trash.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, proper trash, but I'd rather there's other proper trash.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: I prefer over that. Like what I'm trying to think,
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: but like it's got to be traut.
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: You love a McDonald what's like your fuck it thing?
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: Like a pig and a blanket. I fucking love that.
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: Polo bar pigs and blankets, perfect ratio of crust and.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: The crustbae like that leaf what is it called that
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: filo dough? Yeah? I love it when it's just fucking
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: thin and flaky, and it's a burnt it kind of chrispy.
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: Greeny honey mustard, just to dip into it with that sharpness.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I like yellow mustard. I like yellow jew jew mustard.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: Excellent. Well, we'll get to colors now, so.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: Let's do it. I can't wait. I can't wait to
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: see Anthony giving advice.
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: Oh god, how literally my least favorite thing to do.
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: I hate unsolicited advice, but this is solicited, so it's fine.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Exactly, exactly. Well. Our first question comes from Priscilla. Dear Chelsea,
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: I am in a pickless pickle. I've been with my
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: husband for almost ten years now. He's six years older
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: than me. I'm thirty three and he's thirty nine, and
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: we grew up together. I've had a crush on him
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: since I was a kid and still do. He's my
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: best friend and I'm certain he feels the same way.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: One problem is that I've learned over the years we're
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: not sexually compatible. At the beginning, it was fireworks incredible,
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: but then quickly fizzled out due to quote unquote stress.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: I'm always the one initiating telling him what to do
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: not do, and if I'm honest, the sex lasts less
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: than five minutes, and I'm rarely satisfied. It's a miracle.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: We got pregnant twice, both times on the very first try.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: He's the sole provider for the family and has a
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: very stressful job. He's a general contractor and is always
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: extremely busy with work. He gets calls about flooding basements,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: money issues, gree trades, etc. At all hours of the day.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: This plus some financial issues all way heavily on his shoulders.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: I have a part time job, but it hardly covers groceries,
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: and soon I'll be busy with a new baby. I
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: feel like I can't help carry the burden. He can't
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: turn off his brain from all the stress and get
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: in the mood unless he's drunk, which is a major
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: turn off and again leaves me unsatisfied. Over the years,
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: It's become as soon as I get this job done,
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: I'll be less stressed, as soon as as soon as
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: I've come to realize he's maybe just not as sexually
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: charged as I am. For a while, I thought it
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: was me am I not sexy enough. But we've talked
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: about it and it's not that I can say for certain.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: He's not gay. I've seen his Internet search history. I
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: can say for certain he's not getting it elsewhere. He's
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: too busy. I feel cheated. I've been told my whole
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: life that all men want or think about is sex.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: I don't know any female that has been in this
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: position before. We've been to a sex therapist and had
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: to stop due to lack of money and time. He
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: was open to it, but good therapy is expensive. Divorce
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: does not feel like an option, and I don't feel
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: like an open marriage is either. Because of our small community,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I have no answers, My friends have no answers, and
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: he has no answers, which leaves me in a Piccolis
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: Pickle help, Priscilla, Anthony, what are you thinking?
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: Okay? Off the top of my head. Near the beginning,
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: I felt like she was making a lot of excuses
• 24:16
  Speaker 3: for him, which kind of like bothered me a little bit.
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: I also felt there's something about it that just kind
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: of made me sad, Like she just feel like I
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: feel like she's like in a really helpless She's just
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: like out of options and the options that I was
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: trying to think of of, like talk to a sex therapist,
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: talk to a therapist, in general check in with like
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: do you guys have different libidos? Are you not compatible
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: on that front? To like even opening up the marriage
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: in some way. All of that was kind of cabashed
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: in the explanation, So I think it's like, like, dude,
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: you need to like go revisit some of that stuff
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: because I really don't know you want to be with
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: the person, but it's like I don't know because I'm
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: torn because it's like, at the same time, like I
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: feel like I have a pretty high libido and physical
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: and sexual intimacy are incredibly important to me. Yeah. Yeah,
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: But I also know people out there who've had really
• 25:03
  Speaker 3: long relationships where there is a disconnect and they love
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: each other unconditionally, they respect each other, they're each other
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: is like biggest fucking cheerleaders, but they don't necessarily have that.
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: So it's like, again, it goes back to what I
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: was saying earlier about like accepting things the way they
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: are and then being like, no, I need change. I'm
• 25:19
  Speaker 3: a little torn, Chelsea.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: I mean I feel the same way. It's kind of
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: hard to say because it obviously matters to her because
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: she's talking about open marriage and whatever. If sex is
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: that important to you, which to most of us it is.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: I'm one of those people that I want sex. I'm
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: not just like looking for somebody to hang out with.
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: If I had to choose hanging out or sex, I
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: would choose sex. So I think that it depends how
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: important is to you if it is a deal breaker.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: I mean, if he can't perform sexually, like if whatever
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: his issues are, it's usually has nothing to do with
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: a woman. So I'm glad that you already figured that out.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: It's not because you're not sexy enough.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, she already expressed that in the letter, said
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: that she knows it's not her. It's something to do
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: with him and that's his issue. Like are you willing
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: to put up with that because you love him? Like
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: I would say, life's too short, Like you could put
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: up with it for a while. I mean, it's great
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: that he was open to go when he's sex therapist,
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: but to what avail, Like, so you're not fixing the problem,
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: and it seems like a pretty important problem to be fixing.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: So I just think that, like, you know, you've got
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: to either go the extra distance and really exhaust all
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: possibilities of finding out what the possible solutions are and
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: finding one that works for you. And if you don't,
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: then what's your game plan on? Like are you going
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: to hang out with him and be okay with that
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: in some sort of like sexless relationship for the rest
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: of your life.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: See, I feel like there is room for a third
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: option here because a third person.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: There's definitely room for a third person to come in
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: and fuck the shit out of our.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: There definitely is. But when we think about sex as
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: far as like this couple goes, we're thinking usually about
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: like she is thinking about penetrative sex. It lasts five minutes,
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: she's not saying satisfied. And part of sex is like
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: having the intimacy, having that closeness with someone. So maybe
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: you can talk to him about like, Hey, I really
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: want to like improve our intimacy, improve our closeness, and
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: like let's take some time to not even think about
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: like the penetrative part of sex, because if he's not
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: up for it, he's not up for it. But like,
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: can he spend some time pleasuring you? Can you guys
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: play with some toys like so weird?
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: It's so weird. Oh, by the way, Oh, I wanted
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: to say one more thing too. Sorry, I know I'm
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: being so interrupted today, but I'm just in that kind
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: of mood. The other thing is a lot of women.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: You said none of your friends experienced this. I do
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: know many women who have experienced their partners not being
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: up for the amount of sex that they are. Yes,
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: So I just wanted to throw that out there before
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: I agree.
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: That's like a really that's a really common thing.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: That's also a gay thing too, isn't it Like a
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: lot of gay guys not a lot. I actually only
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: know one gay guy who won't, who doesn't penetrate, Like,
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: he doesn't penetrate, he doesn't want to be penetrated.
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: You only get name from that. What, Yeah, what it's called.
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: It's called sighting.
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: Sighting.
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they like give each other like blowjobs, but they don't.
• 28:04
  Speaker 3: There's no like penetrative sex.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: When my friend told me about this, I thought, that's
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: he feels such shame for the act of penetration. He
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: feels shame at doing that. That's why he can't.
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: I mean, that's the whole thing. Yeah.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: I recently stumbled across a follow from We had this
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: caller Marco like a long time ago, who was in
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: the same situation. He's like, I'm gay, but like I
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: do not I'm not interested in anal. And he followed
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: up actually recently and said that he, well, no, he's
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: still not into anal, but he's like, I've discovered that
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: I love having my ass eat now and eating out
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: of Elsa's asses. So I'm like, this is for him, that's.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: What a huge discovery. What if he had gone through
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: how much how much more life could he have gone
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: through without figuring that out?
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: Thank goodness for the show. Just save lives, Saved lives.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: That's It's something people always go, what's the best piece
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: of advice you've ever given to start eating more ass?
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: That's my advice. I'm gonna write that down.
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: That's the tattoo.
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: Mm hmm, yeah, for sure, my ass is my tattoo.
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: And then I'm gonna put it on a different part
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: of my body. So people are doubly confused.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: So it's a wrap up for Priscilla. I think there's
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: some intentionality that you guys can like take some time
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: if he's not into like performing quote unquote because he's
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: too stressed, try some other stuff and like hin hint,
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: he might get in the mood. But like it's really
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: also like about you and your pleasure. It doesn't necessarily
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: have to like have anything to do with him getting off.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: Right, Try harder to make the situation, try to find
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: a solution, and if you can't find the solution, and
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: then you know that you've done everything you can to
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: try to figure out the problem, and then move on.
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: Look, I know I'm like a mega optimist, but like,
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: clearly she fucking loves this guy. The fact that she
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: reached out to you, they've been together for ten years,
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: their kids, they are like so many added layers there.
• 29:45
  Speaker 3: I'm a fighter in relationships. I would go back the
• 29:48
  Speaker 3: stuff that you revisited that you heard that you think.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: You're not that much of a fighter. You're single.
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: That's not nice, Chelsea.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: It's not That's not I'm saying you're not that much
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: of a fighter. Come on, if you were willing to
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: fight for anything. I'm not being mean.
• 30:03
  Speaker 3: I thought I'm partially messing with you. I one thing
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: about me. I fucking fight for relationships as much as
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: I can till the very end, whether it's therapy, whatever
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: it is. I'm just saying, sometimes things happen that are
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: just like outside of your control and you just have
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: to deal with it and pick yourself up.
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: I think I was thinking of fighting, like I'll do
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: anything to do what it takes to like be in
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: the relationship. I was interpreting it a different.
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: I am that person. I'm a fucking romantics through and
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: through hard on my sleep, I'm like, I'm such a lover.
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: Falling in love is like, what is it that?
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: But yeah, but falling in love that's the best part.
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: That's the best part. No one will dispute that. Everyone
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: knows those that's the best phase of life. Being in
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: this phase that this caller's in is not the.
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: You fight for it and you go back and stuff
• 30:50
  Speaker 3: that she may have addressed earlier conversations that they had.
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: You know what, maybe they need to be revisited. Maybe
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: you need to get esther. Perell has that card game
• 30:57
  Speaker 3: where you ask each other intimate questions. Is it like
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: wearing like some crazy fucking outfit or like the crab
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: walking naked towards him when he enters the room and
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: going full sexual or building the intimacy with like some
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: kind of romance and getting to know each other intimately, Like.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: Maybe they should use the intimacy coordinator from it ends
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: with us. What about that woman that they should use her? Yeah,
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: that worked out great, or like I don't.
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: Know, go to a rave together or something, you know
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: what I mean.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: Like, they definitely have to change up to done. Something
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: has to shift. If you want people to change, you
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: have to change period. But like so get the ball
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: rolling in some direction and be tireless about it, like
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: exhaust all the possibilities, period.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: And if all else fails, just get like a really
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: good vibrator and like leave him out of it. End
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: of list.
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah that's quick, that's great.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So our next email comes from Laura. She is
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: calling in s would be chatting with her. Laura says,
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I have a sticky situation with I knewish
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: boyfriend and I'm hoping to get your perspective on it.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: My boyfriend lives with a girl who he has been
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: friends with for a few years and they've slept together
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: twice in the past. They're in the same friend group,
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: and he claims it happened when they were both drunk
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: and lonely. To be fair, we were friends at the time.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: We met at work and were friends first before dating,
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: and he told me what was going on and I
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: was dating other people at the time. He told me
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: he's been into me since we first met and patiently
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: waited for me to break up with my then boyfriend.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: It really hurts me and makes me sad picturing her
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: with him, even though it was before I was in
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: the picture and he's been upfront about the information. I
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: hate how much this weighs on me, and I always
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: feel sad knowing he's at home with her when we're
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: not spending the night together. I hate that I'm jealous
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: and losing my zen when I'm ordinarily a confident person.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: I'm mad at him for inflicting the situation on our relationship. Yesterday,
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: he had the audacity to ask me if I wanted
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: to go out dancing this weekend with her and some
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: of her friends. I said, absolutely not. Why would I
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: want to go out dancing and drinking with some girl
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: you fucked? Before I flipped it back on him, would
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: you want to go dance and sing with me and
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: some guy I used to fuck? He didn't have a
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: good answer to that. For context, I'm twenty seven and
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: he's thirty two. He should know better at his grown
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: age of thirty two. I feel like he downplayed their
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: friendship to try and appease me. This makes me question
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: if I can trust him. Any advice you have on
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: boundaries and how to get my piece back are greatly appreciated.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: Laura Hell, Laura O.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: Hi, thanks for calling in. This is our special guest,
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: Anthony Barovsky.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: Yes, I'm starstruck. I love queer eye. That's awesome.
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: Nice to meet too. Wait, how long have you been together?
• 33:32
  Speaker 5: So we've been dating since November last year, So what
• 33:35
  Speaker 5: is up?
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: It's like four months?
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: Four months?
• 33:38
  Speaker 4: Yeah, this is new, it is Yeah, Well that's easy.
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: That makes things a little bit easier.
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: I don't think anyone should be judged on having an
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: ex like a past or anything. But you're in a
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: perfect spot. I think to kind of like conduct yourself
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: in a really cool way. You can go to him,
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: be really honest about your feelings. It does and have
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: to be an argument or disputatious in any way and
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: be like, hey, you know you told me about this.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: You know your roommate, he lives with her, right, Yeah,
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: you told me about your roommate. You told me you
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: had sex with her a couple of times. It's kind
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: of bothering me. I mean, I don't want to be
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: crazy and tew you like to move out or anything,
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: But then you asked me to go dancing with her.
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: That kind of gave me the ick. You're kind of
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: giving me signals that there might be something more here
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: and that I don't know if we continue to date,
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: am I going to have to deal with this woman
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: in the background. Like, I think this is a perfect
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: opportunity to have really one of those honest, upfront conversations
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: before your head over heels. Marrying this guy or deeply
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: madly in love. Four months is still new enough to
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: get over quickly, and I think he'll show his true colors,
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: Like you don't want to go dancing with some roommate
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: that he's fucked that he's still living with. That's not
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: an ideal situation for someone. So if someone if he
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: really cares about you, have you guys exchanged?
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: I love us yet, Yeah, we're pretty in love and Chelsea,
• 35:01
  Speaker 4: we kind of have had that conversation already.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: And oh sorry, I'm just fucking railing off. Yeah no,
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: I Anthony, why don't you tell me to shut the fuck.
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: I'm not telling you to shut up.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: A sorry sorry, sorry, Laura, go on.
• 35:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah, So after this little like disagreement, we had that conversation.
• 35:19
  Speaker 4: I was like, this is really hard for me, Like
• 35:21
  Speaker 4: I don't like who it's making me, Like I really
• 35:24
  Speaker 4: want to be chilled, Like I have a past two
• 35:25
  Speaker 4: where I respect that I do, but this is so
• 35:28
  Speaker 4: hard to deal with. So I was like, we need
• 35:30
  Speaker 4: to set some boundaries or something so I feel better.
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: And like what we came up with is he can't
• 35:35
  Speaker 4: hang out with her one on one, which he lives
• 35:39
  Speaker 4: with her, Like he's hanging out with her when they're
• 35:41
  Speaker 4: at home, Like I don't expect him to just start
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: being rude to her, And well, I mean I actually
• 35:46
  Speaker 4: would like that, but I'm not gonna ask that.
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it starts coming home and he's a total fucking asshole.
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: That's fine, Yeah, and.
• 35:52
  Speaker 4: He's allowed to hang out with her in groups, but
• 35:53
  Speaker 4: like I want to know about it, and that's kind
• 35:56
  Speaker 4: of where we're at. But I'm still just like struggling
• 35:58
  Speaker 4: with it at night when we're not together, and I know,
• 36:01
  Speaker 4: like I'm losing my chill.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: I'm I hate it.
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: I hear you, I hear you. Was he sympathetic to
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: the idea of you being upset.
• 36:08
  Speaker 4: With yes, and he's like looking to buy. So that's
• 36:11
  Speaker 4: why he likes living with her because it's a month
• 36:13
  Speaker 4: to monthly so we can move out really easily when
• 36:16
  Speaker 4: he does find the place he wants to buy, and
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: he's like actively working on it for sure.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, so that's nice.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's good. Okay, these are all good things. I
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: as Okay, this is going to be my advice. I
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: think this is perfect time for you to put your
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: foot down and go. You know what, I've been thinking
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: about this a lot lately, and I don't think I'm
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: going to be comfortable until you've moved out of that apartment.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: Now that I have serious feelings about you, I don't
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: want to cut you off, like I want us to
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: continue talking, but like I really need to know that
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: you're going to move out and not just giving me
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: lip service, because it's starting to fuck with me a
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: little bit. And I'm looking at our relationship as like
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: a possible fun future, like we're going to be together
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: for some time, and I don't want to have this
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: be part of it.
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: I like that there's kind of like a compliment sandwich
• 37:03
  Speaker 3: going on here where it's sort of like, Hey, I
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: fucking love you. I think that there's potential here that said,
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: like there's a massive roadblock. I'm really struggling and I
• 37:14
  Speaker 3: need your help everything that I'm kind of gathering from you.
• 37:16
  Speaker 3: And what Catherine kind of mentioned about like the backstory
• 37:18
  Speaker 3: of it all is that you've been very communicative of it.
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: And one thing that I've learned in relationships and through
• 37:24
  Speaker 3: therapy is that sometimes I think that they're like I
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: get obsessed with the idea of resolution, that there has
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: to be like this tangible thing that kind of happens,
• 37:32
  Speaker 3: and I know that it's not perfect, and I recognize
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: that it's like painful, and you're like in a lot
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: of like, odjit up you just termed that my therapist
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: Carol taught me. I love it. The fact that you're
• 37:42
  Speaker 3: you're able to have like that, that those open lines
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: of communication, even just addressing it without giving an ultimatum
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: or backing him into a corner or whatever it is,
• 37:52
  Speaker 3: makes it a safe space for him to be able
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: to have a conversation, to take in what your feelings
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: and like the stuff that you're dealing with and vice versa.
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: But I feel like, yeah, presenting it as sort of
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: starting with like the good and then going to like,
• 38:03
  Speaker 3: I'm really struggling with this and like I could use
• 38:05
  Speaker 3: your health not telling him specifically like get your ass
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: out of the house or kick her out, or imposing
• 38:10
  Speaker 3: like some kind of like severe like restrictions or like
• 38:12
  Speaker 3: or hard rules that are just gonna be hard to
• 38:14
  Speaker 3: abide by. It does that make sense? Yeah?
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: It does.
• 38:18
  Speaker 4: I have been very focused on like trying to resolve this,
• 38:20
  Speaker 4: and yeah, there's no resolution untilling moves out, so it's hard.
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: We added a little context on you and I chatted earlier.
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: Tell us the timeline. So this was like a while
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: ago that they slept together.
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 38:31
  Speaker 4: Oh, when we had our fight, he was like getting
• 38:33
  Speaker 4: confused about the dates. I can be pretty intense, and
• 38:35
  Speaker 4: I think he got a little like flustered, like I
• 38:38
  Speaker 4: was questioning him a little too hard. So here's the
• 38:40
  Speaker 4: real timeline. We started dating last November. He moved in
• 38:45
  Speaker 4: with her last August, and they slept together last September.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, that's fresh. Okay, so like two months
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: before you guys got together.
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: Did he how did he reveal this to you?
• 38:55
  Speaker 4: So I was friends with him because we're coworkers before
• 38:59
  Speaker 4: and he told me about it, just kind of casually
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: because we were becoming good friends. He was like, yeah,
• 39:04
  Speaker 4: I slept with my roommate. What do you think about that?
• 39:06
  Speaker 4: And I was like, that's a bit messy, but okay,
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: So I always knew that when I started developing feelings
• 39:11
  Speaker 4: for him.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: Tellsey, I'm actually kind of surprised about your advice here.
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: What I don't know. I just I thought that your
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: advice would be more along the lines of, like, that's okay,
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: he's moving out putting Laura at Eddie's, and I'm yeah,
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: I just think that's very interesting.
• 39:28
  Speaker 3: Oh.
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: I love surprising. I love when you make joys in
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: life at joys in life. But like, yeah, yeah, I
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: I yeah, I don't know. I think there's something like
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: it's just an interesting start to a relationship, so you'd
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: want to pay attention to it.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: And you're corrected as messy.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, And it doesn't have to be messy, or
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: you could be clean about it, you know what I mean.
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying, Like you say this and you
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: kind of you're not breaking up with him, You're just
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: kind of saying like, I'm not cool. These are my standards.
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: They have to be met. So if you really care,
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: go fucking me them.
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, would you like participate in like a cooling off
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: period while he's looking for a house.
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: He's going to want that. Yeah, Like if he's looking
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: for a house actively, he's going to want to be like, okayah,
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: you know, come with me, look at the house. Da
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: da da da. And then then I would be like, Okay,
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: you know it's clearly happening, but not until like he's
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: actually taking active steps that you've seen in some of
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: the houses, and he's doing anything he can to make
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: sure that you feel.
• 40:24
  Speaker 3: Safe and Laura, I feel like you'll know if he's
• 40:26
  Speaker 3: doing those like he's gonna be He's going to want
• 40:28
  Speaker 3: to tell you like, oh yeah, Like I had an
• 40:29
  Speaker 3: appointment at a place like this place is interesting and
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: I didn't like it because it didn't have X, Y
• 40:33
  Speaker 3: and Z, But you know what I mean, Like, I
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: feel like he's going to include you in the narrative
• 40:36
  Speaker 3: because it seems like you guys communicate pretty well.
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and I like last weekend we looked at a
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: house together, Like we communicate great, Like I love everything
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: about him except for this for.
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: Those nights that you are apart and like he is
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: with you know, quote unquote with her at their apartment.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: I'd say, like, remember that he's into you. Harness your
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: inner zen, and like remember that, like you're the person
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: that he cares about. He stops sleeping with her before
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: you guys started hooking up or getting together, before you
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: guys got together, and like you're the one he's into,
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: and like, rest easy in that, I think.
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: But also play the role that you just said you
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: have played in your life, which is you're not like that. Like,
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: so remind yourself of the queen that you are in
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: the moments that you don't feel like it. Remember, yeah,
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: I am, I am that way. This is a circumstantial.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: This is making me feel this way. These are not
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: logical thoughts period.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and like there will be a new season very
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: soon when he's got his own place, right.
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, totally.
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Well matter then? Yeah, all right, Laura bust of
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: luck and keep us posted.
• 41:38
  Speaker 4: Okay, Okay, thank you everyone, It's so nice to meet you.
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: Nice to meet you.
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: Okay, awesome, Bye. That was my favorite kind of call. Yeah, ever,
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: I know, I love that kind of personal into like
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: interpersonal relationships, boundaries. I'm down with all of it.
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: There's so much to unpack with it, though, I feel
• 41:58
  Speaker 3: like I'm going to be thinking about it hours from
• 41:59
  Speaker 3: now being like, oh shit, I should have said that,
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean.
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: I also think age, in my opinion, has something to
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: do with it, because she's like twenty seven. I feel like,
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: when you're twenty seven, like your person's exes feel so
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: huge and they loom so large, and to have them
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: in the second bedroom it's like terrifying. But if she
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: was ten years older, I'd be like, Okay, this isn't great.
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: But like, you know, we're moving forward in.
• 42:23
  Speaker 3: Twenty seven year old seems so much more involved than
• 42:25
  Speaker 3: they did when I was twenty seven. Or maybe I'm
• 42:27
  Speaker 3: just internalizing because I was a mess.
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: Should we take a quick break and then come back
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: for our list?
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: Go, let's take a break and we'll come back and
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: do our last west. Okay, So we're gonna take a
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: break with Anthony Barofsky and then we're coming back. Okay,
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: and we're back with Antony Barovski.
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: Us P Bbaraski?
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: Right, Parovsky? Am I saying Barovsky close? What did I say?
• 42:52
  Speaker 3: It's one letter? Oh?
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: Parowski? Sorry, I've been saying, b it's a p.
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: Well, Hannah says, dear Chelsea, I need advice from someone
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: wiser than me. The past year and a half has
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: been filled with change and heartbreak, leaving me feeling lonely
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: and lost. Growing up, I never had close friends. I
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: floated from group to group, but never felt truly like
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: I belonged. As a shy, introverted person, this wasn't surprising.
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: After college, I moved to Utah to be a ski bum,
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: and for the first time, I found like minded people
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: I belonged. I came out of my shell, built a
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: social life, and formed friendships where I felt supported. I
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: had community. Over time, we all grew up to some degree.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: I became a lawyer, bought a house here, and found
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: ways to keep skiing into girls in my life. My
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: friends evolved too, and through the changes I believed we'd
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: remain close forever. But life had other plans. Friends got married,
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: moved away, had children, or found new priorities. The tight
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: knit group I cherished slowly dissolved, and I find myself
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: floating again. The most recent gut punch came from a
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: friend I've always considered family. She's planning a small bachelotte
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: party for her close friends, and I'm not invited. She said,
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: We're at different life stages. She and her fiance spend
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: time with other couples while I'm single. That's stung deeply.
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: Early this year, another friend ended our relationship with a
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: hurtful tirade. She said she didn't see a place for
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: me in her life because I don't want kids. It's
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: not that I haven't made new friends.
• 44:16
  Speaker 3: I have.
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: I've connected with an amazing group of women who share
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: my love for skiing and ice climbing. Yet I still
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: grieve the friendships I thought would last a lifetime, the
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: ones that felt like family. I feel like I've been
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: in a painful, unrelenting cycle of relationship loss since my
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: ex and I broke up in the spring of twenty
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: twenty three. So how do you mourn the pain of
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: losing friendships and how do you build meaningful friendships as
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: an adult, especially in the second half of your thirties. Hannah, Hi, Hi.
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: Hi, This is Anthony Parowski with a piece.
• 44:46
  Speaker 4: Hi.
• 44:46
  Speaker 5: Nice to meet you.
• 44:47
  Speaker 3: Nice to meet you. Wait, Can I ask how long
• 44:49
  Speaker 3: were you and your ex together when you broke up
• 44:51
  Speaker 3: in twenty twenty three?
• 44:53
  Speaker 5: Three years.
• 44:54
  Speaker 3: Three years, Okay. My therapist says it can take like
• 44:58
  Speaker 3: half the amount of time of the relationship to get
• 45:01
  Speaker 3: to a place where you kind of like feel like
• 45:03
  Speaker 3: you're a normal ish human being again. So I don't
• 45:06
  Speaker 3: know if like you're dealing with that or if that's
• 45:07
  Speaker 3: something that's helpful to be gentle with yourself with healing,
• 45:10
  Speaker 3: because it's not linear. It's super freaking messy, and you
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: can be feeling amazing one day and then kind of
• 45:16
  Speaker 3: go down the next.
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: But Elsie thoughts, well, I was going to say, I
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: write about this in my new book, I'll Have What
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: She's Having, which just came out. I write about this
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: very thing about losing friendships that we've had for a
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: really long time, and the understanding that comes from a
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: lot of inner work and a lot of therapy that
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: not everybody is your friend forever, and some people are
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: supporting characters in your story, and sometimes we're a supporting
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: character in another story. The endings of friendships, while painful
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: and hurtful, are not meant for your grief. They're meant
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: to understand that that door has closed and now there's
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: an opening for a deeper, more profound friendship than the
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: ones you had before. My circle of friends now that
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: I'm about to be well, I'm fifty. When this comes out,
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: I'll have turned fifty. My circle of friends and the
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: support group I have now is more loyal, loving, supportive
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: than anything. It makes me understand that I'm a good person.
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: The people I have around me now makes me believe
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: I deserved this and I earned this. Whereas when I
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: was younger, in my forties or in my thirties, I
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: had a lot of people around me who did not
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: have my best interests, who did not have my support.
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: While I treasured our friendships with tho these people, they
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: were not good for me, and they outlasted their expiration
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: date the same way many relationships can. So our job
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: isn't too more and the loss of friendships. It's to
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: understand that that part of our life is gone and
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: to welcome the new. And there will be new friendships,
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: and you know now how meaningful friendships can be. So
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: you're going to be already operating in a different way
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: within a new friendship.
• 46:56
  Speaker 5: So do you feel like the friendships that you've made
• 46:59
  Speaker 5: like that are in your close circle of friends?
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: Now?
• 47:02
  Speaker 5: Are they people you've met in the last like ten years.
• 47:05
  Speaker 5: Are there any people who.
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, tons, tons of them I've just met in the
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: last ten years. I have maybe three four, well, probably
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: more people that have been in my life for ten
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: plus years that are not family, you know, people that
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: I've known. I mean it's longer than that. The older
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: I get, the longer that list is. But you know,
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: plenty of them are new people. Like I'm always making
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: new friends, I'm always meeting new people, and I'm always
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: learning things and understanding like, oh, friendships can be even
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: richer than I had thought when I was younger.
• 47:38
  Speaker 3: I one hundred percent agree with that. I think sort
• 47:42
  Speaker 3: of like leaning into the impermanents of things, whether it's
• 47:45
  Speaker 3: like a relationship or friendships. It doesn't make sense at
• 47:49
  Speaker 3: the time, but I feel like when I look back
• 47:51
  Speaker 3: at really close friends that I've lost that I thought
• 47:53
  Speaker 3: were going to be in my life forever, I'm sort
• 47:56
  Speaker 3: of like whether there was resentment, or I did the
• 47:59
  Speaker 3: cutoff or they did, or we just organically kind of
• 48:01
  Speaker 3: like grew apart a lot of them. Also, I can
• 48:03
  Speaker 3: definitely relate to, like the habit in kids part. It
• 48:06
  Speaker 3: all kind of like makes sense when you look back,
• 48:08
  Speaker 3: which is kind of like the weird thing and the
• 48:10
  Speaker 3: annoying thing about life is that like, once enough time
• 48:13
  Speaker 3: has passed and you've been able to like process the
• 48:15
  Speaker 3: feelings and deal with all of the different stages of brief,
• 48:19
  Speaker 3: the denial, anger, brief and depression, acceptance, like all of
• 48:22
  Speaker 3: that messy stuff, you look back and you're sort of like, oh,
• 48:25
  Speaker 3: like that kind of made sense. And I will point
• 48:27
  Speaker 3: to I had this argument with a friend about she
• 48:29
  Speaker 3: was saying, how like, oh, it's so much harder to
• 48:31
  Speaker 3: make friends when you're like in your thirties and your
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: forties than when you're younger. It's not that it's harder.
• 48:37
  Speaker 3: I think that it can become more challenging if you're
• 48:40
  Speaker 3: working on yourself, because your antennas are up for what
• 48:42
  Speaker 3: you're going to tolerate and what you're not going to tolerate.
• 48:45
  Speaker 3: But some of my most close I refer to it
• 48:47
  Speaker 3: as my board of directors. It's like the people that
• 48:50
  Speaker 3: I go to when I really need advice, where I
• 48:52
  Speaker 3: need to be like right size, who I like really
• 48:53
  Speaker 3: trust they're going to tell me the truth. I wouldn't
• 48:56
  Speaker 3: be scared of like not meeting those people at where
• 48:58
  Speaker 3: you're at in life. Right now because like my one
• 49:01
  Speaker 3: of my closest friends, Leah, we were like actual acquaintances
• 49:04
  Speaker 3: and in the past year and a half we have
• 49:06
  Speaker 3: become inseparable. Part of it was trauma bonding, but like
• 49:10
  Speaker 3: we've gotten really close. So I think just like be
• 49:12
  Speaker 3: open to the possibility of like that. It's never it's
• 49:15
  Speaker 3: just dynamic and there's impermanence and things end and it's
• 49:18
  Speaker 3: like there's it's way, it's that whole like that dumb
• 49:21
  Speaker 3: line about well, it's not that dumb, because I think
• 49:23
  Speaker 3: it makes sense. It's like people are in your life
• 49:24
  Speaker 3: for like a reason, a season or a lifetime or
• 49:26
  Speaker 3: whatever it is. I do really believe.
• 49:28
  Speaker 2: That does any of this help you?
• 49:31
  Speaker 5: Yeah, and all of this is helpful. Hearing it back
• 49:34
  Speaker 5: is helpful.
• 49:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Don't spend time thinking about the past and relationships
• 49:38
  Speaker 2: that are not no longer there. There's no there's it's
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: just kind of a wasted regret and it's an old habit.
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: Just focus on the now and the possibilities of the
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: future and being grateful for everyone in your life that
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: you do like and all the new people. Just show
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: a lot of gratitude and it'll keep showing up for you.
• 49:56
  Speaker 5: The newer friends that made are great and it's been
• 49:59
  Speaker 5: really fun to have them. So I felt a little
• 50:01
  Speaker 5: awkward being upset about this, but it's like a big
• 50:05
  Speaker 5: change for me to go through.
• 50:07
  Speaker 3: And I think that's a bit You seem like a vulnerable,
• 50:09
  Speaker 3: sensitive human being, which are really beautiful things, and maybe
• 50:12
  Speaker 3: the way you're feeling that way is because you care,
• 50:14
  Speaker 3: because you give a shit about them, and like, yeah,
• 50:16
  Speaker 3: it sucks when people leave our lives and it's like
• 50:18
  Speaker 3: they were there for a really important, important chapter and
• 50:22
  Speaker 3: we learn so much of them. But I think being
• 50:24
  Speaker 3: like knowing the difference between what I can change in
• 50:27
  Speaker 3: my life and I'm not good at this, so I
• 50:29
  Speaker 3: have to remind myself all the time the things that
• 50:31
  Speaker 3: I can't control versus the things that I can. I
• 50:34
  Speaker 3: constantly have to be checking myself and being like, why
• 50:37
  Speaker 3: am I focusing all my energy on this thing that
• 50:39
  Speaker 3: I have no control over? That's like in the past,
• 50:42
  Speaker 3: as opposed to like I can focus to Chelsea's point
• 50:44
  Speaker 3: about gratitude or or like spend time on the wonderful
• 50:47
  Speaker 3: people who are in your life, you know what I mean.
• 50:49
  Speaker 3: Like I've had that situation with family cutoffs where people
• 50:52
  Speaker 3: completely cut each other off. We've been each other our
• 50:56
  Speaker 3: entire lives because we just don't know how to talk
• 50:58
  Speaker 3: to each other. And at one point it's sort of like,
• 51:00
  Speaker 3: you're not going to give me the fucking time of
• 51:01
  Speaker 3: to day. I'm sorry, I'm going to focus on someone
• 51:03
  Speaker 3: who is I can put my all, my attention to
• 51:05
  Speaker 3: my love towards them, because you clearly have so much
• 51:07
  Speaker 3: to give. All right, I know that sounded really queer,
• 51:09
  Speaker 3: I but I mean that. I don't know. You just
• 51:11
  Speaker 3: seem like a really sweet girl.
• 51:13
  Speaker 5: The friend who didn't invite me to the bachelorette party,
• 51:16
  Speaker 5: she texted me last week and asked if I would
• 51:18
  Speaker 5: still do the flowers for her wedding.
• 51:21
  Speaker 3: So do I do it?
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: I'll apply that part again.
• 51:28
  Speaker 5: Friend who told me I'm not a close friend and
• 51:30
  Speaker 5: not invited to her bachelorette texted me to ask if
• 51:33
  Speaker 5: I would still do the flowers for her wedding.
• 51:36
  Speaker 3: And they're like a beautiful venus fly trap, Like, as.
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: You're going to hire you to do her flowers because
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: that's a very expensive proposition.
• 51:44
  Speaker 5: No, it was something I had offered to do way back.
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: Just say, when I got disinvited from you know whatever
• 51:51
  Speaker 2: the bachelorette weekend. I just assumed that you didn't want
• 51:54
  Speaker 2: me to make the flowers, so I haven't planned on
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: doing that, right, Why would you do that for her?
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: Are you going to the wedding as well?
• 52:01
  Speaker 5: I'm invited?
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Are you? Do you want to go?
• 52:06
  Speaker 5: I feel like it might be more awkward if I don't.
• 52:09
  Speaker 5: I don't know.
• 52:11
  Speaker 3: Trust your gut though, Sit in senative for a moment, like,
• 52:14
  Speaker 3: wait until the RSVP is due, and like think about it,
• 52:17
  Speaker 3: cause it's like you've got to take care of yourself too,
• 52:20
  Speaker 3: and if, like, if she made you feel that way,
• 52:22
  Speaker 3: I don't like that.
• 52:23
  Speaker 2: No, that's nasty.
• 52:25
  Speaker 3: It sounds like the friendship is on her terms. I
• 52:27
  Speaker 3: don't want you in this, but like I want you
• 52:29
  Speaker 3: to do that, Like I don't like that. I don't
• 52:30
  Speaker 3: like to exist in space like that.
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I don't like that you being taken advantage
• 52:35
  Speaker 2: of in that way, Like, say you were to show
• 52:37
  Speaker 2: up with those flowers. What does that say about you
• 52:39
  Speaker 2: that you don't someone who's close any dignity.
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, someone who's close enough to do flowers for your
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: wedding at no cost is someone who should be invited
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: to be close friends quote unquote bachelorette party.
• 52:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, maybe write that and just say so, I
• 52:52
  Speaker 2: am assuming you don't expect that since I'm not invited
• 52:55
  Speaker 2: to the thing, I'm assuming you don't want me to.
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: Right what you said before about like so I wasn't
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: planning on I love that language. I think that's great language.
• 53:03
  Speaker 3: Also, playing the tape forward, I can imagine you would
• 53:05
  Speaker 3: enjoy the process with all of the weight around this
• 53:07
  Speaker 3: of planning flowers for her. That feels like a personal
• 53:09
  Speaker 3: intimate thing.
• 53:11
  Speaker 2: It's almost like you have no backbone if you do that.
• 53:13
  Speaker 2: And it's not about ego. It's just about like you're
• 53:15
  Speaker 2: treating me like shit and I'm taking it like in
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: the mouth. No, thank you. And also that's like, please
• 53:24
  Speaker 2: have some sort of positive affirmation that you do in
• 53:26
  Speaker 2: the morning, like reminding yourself that you're a powerful woman
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: and you don't have and you have the ability to
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: not allow people to push you around, and that you're
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: valuable and your friendship is valuable. Keep saying that to yourself.
• 53:39
  Speaker 5: Thank you, I appreciate it, Thanks Hannah, thank you.
• 53:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, and start believing it too, please, thank you.
• 53:46
  Speaker 2: Class is dismissed. Thank you guys. First of all, Anthony,
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: what a fun fun You're my favorite queer eye so
• 53:53
  Speaker 2: far out of the two far definitely better. Yeah, you're definitely.
• 53:57
  Speaker 2: I'm your my favorite over Bobby Burke. And I'll tell
• 53:59
  Speaker 2: them too his face when I see him. Are you
• 54:02
  Speaker 2: in New York?
• 54:04
  Speaker 3: New York is home, but I'm currently in LA this week?
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: Oh okay, and Anthony, where can people find no taste
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: like home?
• 54:12
  Speaker 3: So glad you asked. It's gonna be unlinear on Natio
• 54:15
  Speaker 3: on February twenty third, and then Disney Plus and Hulu
• 54:18
  Speaker 3: on the twenty four. Oh Disney please, Daddy, Daddy Disney.
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: Daddy Disney owns everything. Now, all right, thank you so much, Anthony.
• 54:28
  Speaker 3: Chelsea enjoy all the skiing and fucking hot coco and
• 54:33
  Speaker 3: the powder. I was just an Aspen for Gay Ski Week,
• 54:35
  Speaker 3: which is so unlike me. But I'm like trying to
• 54:37
  Speaker 3: make more game friends. Yeah, since I was four years old.
• 54:39
  Speaker 3: Oh fun, I'm sick for it. It's there's nothing, there's
• 54:44
  Speaker 3: nothing more freeing than skiing.
• 54:46
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I love skiing.
• 54:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's amazing.
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: You appreciate that. Do do do do do do drum roll, Catherine,
• 54:56
  Speaker 2: please Chelsea. Handler Abroad. Abroad is my European tour, which
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: I just announced. Tickets go on sale tomorrow or today
• 55:06
  Speaker 2: or there's a pre sale code Chelsea. So I'm coming
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: the health out of this fucking country and it's not
• 55:17
  Speaker 2: as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvik.
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm
• 55:24
  Speaker 2: coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon.
• 55:42
  Speaker 2: I'm coming abroad is abroad.
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.
• 55:47
  Speaker 4: I r O.
• 55:48
  Speaker 2: I want to go see me abroad and there all
• 55:50
  Speaker 2: be there, All be okay. All Upcoming Vegas dates March
• 55:55
  Speaker 2: twenty first, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth, November one
• 56:00
  Speaker 2: and twenty nine at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. My
• 56:04
  Speaker 2: book tour. I'll have what she's having means I am
• 56:06
  Speaker 2: doing book events. February twenty sixth Brookline Booksmith February twenty seven, Cincinnati, Ohio,
• 56:13
  Speaker 2: February twenty eighth at the h Foundation in Chicago, and
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: Barnes and Noble at The Grove in Los Angeles on
• 56:20
  Speaker 2: March first, and then Seattle, Washington on March third, Elliott
• 56:24
  Speaker 2: Bay and I'll see you guys all there.
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: be sure to check out our March at Chelseahandler dot
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: com