Latest / Where We Rise / 12 | "Last Act of Love" | End-of-Life Planning

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12 | "Last Act of Love" | End-of-Life Planning · Where We Rise

0:02
Khalila McCoy: Hey, I'm Khalila McCoy, and this is the show where every story has something to teach us.
0:08
Khalila McCoy: This is where we rise.
0:11
Khalila McCoy: Today, we are hearing from Lynn B.
0:15
Khalila McCoy: Stone, the author of Till Death Do Us Part: A Practical Guide to Preparing for the Inevitable.
0:21
Khalila McCoy: She shares how the loss of her spouse led her to a deep passion for helping others get their affairs in order so their loved ones aren't left floundering through an already painful time.
0:32
Khalila McCoy: Let's jump in.
0:34
Khalila McCoy: Hi Lynn, how are you today?
0:38
Lynn B Stone: I'm great, Khalila.
0:39
Lynn B Stone: How are you?
0:40
Khalila McCoy: I'm doing wonderful.
0:41
Khalila McCoy: Thank you so much for taking the time to be on the show today.
0:44
Lynn B Stone: Yes, ma'am.
0:45
Lynn B Stone: Thank you for inviting me.
0:46
Lynn B Stone: I'm excited to be here.
0:47
Khalila McCoy: Yeah, I'm excited to talk to you.
0:49
Khalila McCoy: So, Lynn, you're on here to talk about your book and kind of just your life.
0:53
Khalila McCoy: You wrote the book Um Tell Death Does Part, and I got a copy on Amazon.
0:57
Khalila McCoy: I was so excited.
0:58
Khalila McCoy: I was like, oh, I feel like a real podcast.
1:00
Khalila McCoy: Do I have to get her book and read through it?
1:02
Khalila McCoy: Uh of course it came late, so that's what I've been doing earlier today.
1:06
Khalila McCoy: I was going through it.
1:08
Khalila McCoy: Um, but it was really exciting to read through it, and even more exciting to know like I get a chance to sit down and talk to the author.
1:16
Khalila McCoy: And the really cool part about your book is a lot of times you go to like the bookstore, get like a self-help book, and things like that, and the people are very clinical because that's what they've studied in school, and you know, or they've heard it from other people and now they're sharing someone else's story.
1:32
Khalila McCoy: But this is based on you, based on what you've experienced in your life.
1:37
Khalila McCoy: And I will say it's kind of interesting because I have a five-year-old, and my husband and I have started thinking about you know, just random things like we are not prepared for if one of us were to pass.
1:50
Khalila McCoy: And so it's kind of interesting meeting you after having that conversation.
1:54
Khalila McCoy: I was like, Oh, I guess this is like a little nudge, like I do need to get my stuff together.
1:58
Khalila McCoy: So I'm excited to hear about your experience, what led you to rewrite this book, and then just some tips and I don't know if the word tricks is correct, but what we can learn from you about planning death.
2:14
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, that's such a such a morbid topic.
2:16
Lynn B Stone: Then a lot of people don't want to talk about it because it means that they have to force their face their own mortality.
2:22
Lynn B Stone: And um, so it's a it's a tough topic for a lot of people to even think about, let alone talk about and really plan for.
2:29
Lynn B Stone: So I uh I felt like this was something that was my way to give back to people to help them so that they could be prepared because we weren't.
2:38
Lynn B Stone: We were not prepared at all.
2:40
Lynn B Stone: And um so that's really why I wrote the book was because I wanted to help other people just kind of navigate, you know, what to think about, what to look at, what to what kind of questions to ask their spouses, you know, what kind of plans they need to make.
2:54
Lynn B Stone: And I mean honestly, it's not all inclusive.
2:57
Lynn B Stone: Um, but it's a pretty good start.
2:59
Lynn B Stone: And yeah, as you're going through it, and um, I'm sure as you thumb through it, you'd be like, oh yeah, I should probably think about well, what about this?
3:05
Lynn B Stone: You didn't talk about this, but we could probably talk about that too, because you know, everyone has their own thing, you know, like their own situation.
3:12
Lynn B Stone: So I just that's that I'm really hopeful that people will gravitate towards it and want to use it and really kind of get themselves, get their affairs in order because you know, that's it's we don't know.
3:24
Lynn B Stone: We don't know the day or the hour when it will be our time to go, and you know, it could be it could be uh 90 years, it could be next year, it could be tomorrow.
3:33
Lynn B Stone: And right, I mean that's just really the stark reality of of what's going on with it.
3:37
Lynn B Stone: So that's the why.
3:39
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
3:40
Khalila McCoy: And now you said we weren't ready for it.
3:42
Khalila McCoy: So explain what is your experience.
3:45
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, so my husband and I got married in 2006, and he was about 11 years older than me.
3:53
Lynn B Stone: So I had joked that he kind of lived a couple lives before he and I got together.
3:57
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, and so he had a couple kids to previous relationships.
4:01
Lynn B Stone: I should say a couple, we actually had three, and then um after we got married, then we had a a daughter together, and so um, you know, we were kind of living the dream.
4:12
Lynn B Stone: We lived in Pennsylvania, we moved to Ohio, we moved back to Pennsylvania, we worked in Washington, DC, and then in in 2013 we moved down here to Georgia, and so that was kind of how life was.
4:25
Lynn B Stone: We just kind of lived life, we didn't think about the future, um, every great once in a while.
4:31
Lynn B Stone: So my husband was in the army, he but he was in the army, he was active duty, he was in during uh the Gulf War, during Desert Storm back in the early 90s, yeah.
4:41
Lynn B Stone: So um he did some really very uh interesting things while he was in, and so I know that they you know like they made them do wills and they made them do beneficiaries and all that stuff.
4:52
Lynn B Stone: But beyond that, there really wasn't much planning or talking about anything, and really the only time it would come up is after, like if he got triggered about something or um he heard a song that he liked, and he'd be like, Oh, you know, I'd you know what when I die, I want you to play this at my funeral, like just very often kind of just sidebar convers like just really just random comments that I just kind of pieced them all together, and so um that's kind of how it was.
5:19
Lynn B Stone: We had we both worked for the government, so we had retirement set up through that, and we had life insurance through that, but that was it.
5:26
Lynn B Stone: We didn't have a will, we didn't have a trust, we didn't have extra insurance policies, we didn't have anything, we didn't have any plans, nothing.
5:34
Lynn B Stone: Right.
5:35
Lynn B Stone: So in 2015, my husband passed away very unexpectedly.
5:41
Lynn B Stone: Um he didn't have anything really, he had a bunch of stuff going on, but that really not not any one of them in particular was life-threatening.
5:50
Lynn B Stone: Okay, um, probably about four months before that he had a knee replacement surgery, and but he had a so he was on a cocktail of different medications, dealing with a potent, you know, a couple different things, high blood pressure, pain medication, he would low testosterone, so like all these things that people in their 40s are dealing with, right?
6:08
Lynn B Stone: He was dealing with them, and so it was just you know, the night, the night before he died, or the I don't know, I don't know how to relate to the I don't know when he died, but I know that it was like the day before, it was a beautiful day.
6:23
Lynn B Stone: He got to talk to his kids, you know, we had great interaction.
6:26
Lynn B Stone: We had went to the went to the store to um, I think it was Home Depot or Lowe's or one of those, and got a a flat of vegetables so we could go plant something in the garden.
6:36
Lynn B Stone: And you know, we had had great interaction with the kids.
6:39
Lynn B Stone: I mean it was it was just a really, really good day.
6:42
Lynn B Stone: Beautiful, sunny, blue skies, puffy white clouds.
6:45
Lynn B Stone: I mean, it was just picturesque.
6:46
Lynn B Stone: And um the next day he was gone.
6:49
Lynn B Stone: Wow.
6:50
Lynn B Stone: And he died in bed beside me.
6:53
Lynn B Stone: I didn't know, like he there was no struggle, like it wasn't like he was having a heart attack or anything.
6:58
Lynn B Stone: You know, like how they kind of depict it in the videos or in TV.
7:01
Lynn B Stone: It was nothing like that.
7:03
Lynn B Stone: Like I the dog actually woke me up.
7:06
Lynn B Stone: Um I just assumed she had to go to the bathroom.
7:08
Lynn B Stone: And I had to go, so I got up and I went to the bathroom and I came back down, laid back down, and kind of rolled over and kind of did one, like kind of felt felt beside me, like kind of stretched my arm over to see if I could feel him.
7:20
Lynn B Stone: And I felt his felt his skin.
7:22
Lynn B Stone: I'm like, oh you're cold.
7:23
Lynn B Stone: So I pulled the blanket up, thinking that he was just cold.
7:25
Lynn B Stone: Right.
7:26
Lynn B Stone: And I rolled back over and I'm just kind of laying there and I didn't hear him.
7:31
Lynn B Stone: And you know, like you if you if you have a if you your spouse, you know, you you sleep beside him, like you can even you can hear the breathing.
7:39
Lynn B Stone: And so I didn't hear anything, and I rolled back over and kind of looked at him and you know, kind of did my thing, and anyway, long story short, I realized that he was not with us anymore, called 911, did CPR, they did the AED, like they hooked him up, there was no there was nothing there, so they didn't even try to shock him, and that was it.
7:59
Lynn B Stone: So um, you know, fast forward or not fast forward to that, but really um at the t at the time it was him and I, our daughter, and his son, um, from one of his previous previous marriages, he was 13, my daughter was seven, and our come our lives just completely were turned upside down.
8:20
Lynn B Stone: And so uh that it was traumatizing and um it was it was very sad.
8:29
Lynn B Stone: And you know, when you're you're you might hear about widow fog or you might have I might have even made I think I might have even made reference to fog, uh widow's fog or grieving during the book because it's very real and it actually just you know there's scientific information out there that tells you how much of an impact it can have on you as a person whenever you're going to be.
8:49
Khalila McCoy: Tell us a little bit more what do you mean by widow fog?
8:52
Lynn B Stone: Uh whenever you go through, like so whenever you're whenever your spouse passes away, like you're just kind of you're numb, you are um not thinking straight, you're kind of like a zombie.
9:04
Lynn B Stone: I think is probably the best way to describe it.
9:06
Lynn B Stone: Like you're there, but you're kind of not really there.
9:08
Lynn B Stone: Everything's just kind of very surreally happening around you because you're just you're just not really floating through the Yeah, yeah.
9:16
Lynn B Stone: You're right, you're not your mind's not really in it, you're not really thinking straight, you're you know, it's just a very difficult time, and you have to make you have to make big decisions.
9:26
Lynn B Stone: And you're, you know, especially if you don't have any planning, you're making all the decisions and you're not thinking right.
9:31
Lynn B Stone: Like you're you are directly impacted.
9:33
Lynn B Stone: It's just something that's such an impactful situation that occurs to you that you don't know what to do.
9:41
Lynn B Stone: Like you you'd make the best decisions you can in the moment, but are they the best?
9:44
Lynn B Stone: Are they the most logical?
9:46
Lynn B Stone: Are they who knows?
9:48
Lynn B Stone: You know, and that and I mean honestly, it's usually about a year.
9:51
Lynn B Stone: It takes about a year to come out of the fog, uh, is what we say, because like you're like everything's just kind of happy around you.
9:58
Lynn B Stone: Like you you kind of see those videos or things where like the person's standing still and everything else is like just buzzing around them.
10:05
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
10:05
Lynn B Stone: That's what it's like.
10:06
Lynn B Stone: Like life is just happening, life is going on around you, and you feel like you're frozen, like you're just you're still trying to process that moment of loss.
10:14
Lynn B Stone: Absolutely.
10:15
Lynn B Stone: Okay.
10:15
Lynn B Stone: And it's and it's so much more than that.
10:17
Lynn B Stone: You're you're realizing your life and how different it is, and how much how much people don't understand about that loss.
10:30
Lynn B Stone: Like they expect you just to get over it, like it's no big deal.
10:33
Lynn B Stone: And you know, they don't understand that you know what you know for our home, you know, there were four of us, and in a week it went from four to two because not only did we lose my husband, but we also, my stepson m had to go back to to live with his mom.
10:48
Lynn B Stone: And so and we didn't like changes.
10:51
Lynn B Stone: It was huge, it was huge for all of us.
10:54
Lynn B Stone: And um, you know, it was I actually there is a part of the book where I talk about blended families and the importance of setting it, like having a plan in place if something should happen, because we didn't.
11:07
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
11:07
Lynn B Stone: And his mom refused to like really talk about it with me.
11:11
Lynn B Stone: And so he went away for f spring break like we had planned on, and he just never came back.
11:18
Lynn B Stone: And so he was plucked out of his life here and just kind of dropped in life there and expected to thrive.
11:25
Khalila McCoy: Right.
11:25
Lynn B Stone: And so it was just a very, very difficult time for all of us.
11:30
Lynn B Stone: And I mean, truly, it takes about a year to get through that first year, the year of first is what we call it, because you you know, you go through the first holidays without them, the first birthday, the first anniversary of the wedding, or like what you know, whatever.
11:43
Lynn B Stone: You get together, whatever, really whatever the anniversary, and then their first death anniversary, and like you're reliving the trauma of uh what happened.
11:53
Lynn B Stone: So for some people, you know, for like for us, it was unexpected.
11:56
Lynn B Stone: You know, he was here one day, gone the next.
11:58
Lynn B Stone: For others, like those that are going through um like cancer treatments or whatever, it's kind of prolonged, and like sometimes you people have time to like do the grieving while the person's still alive, um, but you're still in a fog, like you're still trying to figure out life after your person's gone, and that's it's a very difficult time for a lot of people.
12:19
Khalila McCoy: So how were you finding comfort during this time?
12:24
Lynn B Stone: Uh you know, interestingly, my mom my mom flew down.
12:27
Lynn B Stone: I'd as soon as they wheeled my husband out on the gurney, um, like I had the kids, we went into a re a bedroom until the coroner could get the get the body out of the house.
12:37
Lynn B Stone: And the first call I made was to my stepson's mom, just letting her know what had happened.
12:42
Khalila McCoy: Right.
12:43
Lynn B Stone: And then I called my mom.
12:44
Lynn B Stone: And then I called my oldest stepson, who had just become a dad himself.
12:49
Lynn B Stone: Um his son, his son was born like two days prior.
12:52
Lynn B Stone: And then I called my sister-in-law um to tell to talk to my brother-in-law, because I knew she couldn't handle the news, but he could.
13:02
Lynn B Stone: Um he could kind of sort it, yeah.
13:05
Lynn B Stone: So to let her know, and then to let my mother and father-in-law know.
13:09
Lynn B Stone: So my mom was there, I mean, she was there in twelve hours.
13:14
Lynn B Stone: I mean, she she was there that evening.
13:16
Lynn B Stone: And she was, yeah, she was with us for probably about two weeks or so.
13:20
Lynn B Stone: So she was probably my initial comfort.
13:23
Lynn B Stone: Um, and then I had wound up getting myself into counseling, into therapy, and got my daughter into counseling and therapy.
13:30
Lynn B Stone: Um, so that was the immediate um fix.
13:33
Lynn B Stone: The immediate comfort was just having that person to talk about, talk through.
13:37
Lynn B Stone: And then um, you know, it's interesting, you you get ostracized as a widow.
13:44
Lynn B Stone: Um really.
13:45
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, you wouldn't think so, but you do.
13:47
Lynn B Stone: Because, you know, uh if you have and it happens a lot, so they talk about the circle, you know, you have your immediate circle, you know, your f you and then you have the outer layers, like the outer ring.
13:59
Lynn B Stone: So you have your immediate circle, like your family, and then your next ring is like your close friends and associates.
14:04
Lynn B Stone: And then the you know, uh it just keeps going out.
14:07
Lynn B Stone: But when you lose somebody, you lose your circles.
14:12
Lynn B Stone: Like you lose at least half of your circles because it's family that's that's steps away.
14:17
Lynn B Stone: You lose your friends.
14:18
Lynn B Stone: I mean, sometimes you have some good friends that you're are your friends and they sleep by you.
14:22
Khalila McCoy: Like your couple friends you're talking about.
14:24
Lynn B Stone: Well, the c the yeah, the friends that are like married couples, those tend to always go away.
14:29
Lynn B Stone: Like they all I guess and a lot of times it's because they you know, not that it's true, but now you're a single woman or a single man, and you might be going after their spouse.
14:41
Lynn B Stone: And like not that that's true, it's you know, not that doesn't always happen that way.
14:45
Lynn B Stone: Absolutely, absolutely.
14:48
Lynn B Stone: Or they don't want to feel they don't want to be uncomfortable asking you to do something with them whenever it's a couple event, so they just don't invite you.
14:56
Lynn B Stone: So it just yeah, you it's it's a really weird thing.
15:01
Khalila McCoy: So thinking about that, what would you have had per what would you have preferred people do, or how would you have preferred people responded?
15:10
Lynn B Stone: Um, you know, it would have been really nice to to get the offers, to get the invitations.
15:18
Lynn B Stone: Um, you know, and it's a lot of it's also timing, you know, if like so for like the first month or two, like you were completely like if you're getting out of bed, you're doing good.
15:28
Khalila McCoy: Right.
15:28
Lynn B Stone: You know, you're like you're just not wanting you're not wanting to interact with people, you're just so like you're so thick in your own situation in your own head of what everything that's going on, like you don't care about that.
15:39
Lynn B Stone: But you might like the third or fourth month, you know, like you're like, okay, you're kind of starting to come up out of out of water.
15:45
Lynn B Stone: You're like, okay, maybe I want to go do something.
15:47
Lynn B Stone: I need to get out of the house.
15:48
Lynn B Stone: I want to, you know, and someone, you know, saying, Hey, let's go get some coffee.
15:53
Lynn B Stone: Hey, you know what, you haven't been out of the house.
15:55
Lynn B Stone: How about we how about we ba take the kids, you know, we'll we'll babysit the kids so you can go, you know, go get something to eat, go do something for yourself, whatever.
16:05
Lynn B Stone: Um, that doesn't happen.
16:08
Lynn B Stone: And so, I mean it can, and sometimes it does, but I know in my personal experience that didn't happen.
16:14
Lynn B Stone: It was me saying, Hey, do you mind if she comes over and hangs out with your kids and I I have a couple things I need to go take care of?
16:21
Lynn B Stone: And yeah, sure, that's fine, not a problem.
16:22
Lynn B Stone: But I felt I felt like it was like I was imposing on someone, and there's much it's much different if someone says, Hey, let me take care, let me take the kid, I'll you know, I'll buy I'll babysit them for a few hours so you can go run errands or just go relax or go get a massage, go do something.
16:39
Lynn B Stone: Um, that makes a huge difference.
16:41
Lynn B Stone: Or, you know, my husband was the one that mowed the yard.
16:44
Lynn B Stone: So if someone would have said, Hey, I see that the grass is high, I'm just gonna go over and mow it.
16:50
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, like you know, and it's one of the things people are like, Well, I don't want to impose, I don't want to, you know, and you know, if if like for us, so you know, my husband passed and he did a lot of the stuff that was outside, like if someone said, Hey, I know he's gone, I'm just gonna mow your grass for you, I'd have been like, Thank you so much, because that's one less thing I have to worry about.
17:08
Lynn B Stone: Or like I have to figure out how to do it, or I have to come out of pocket to pay someone to do it.
17:13
Lynn B Stone: So if someone would have offered, like, hey, let me just come cut your grass for you, I'll you know, I'll trim, I'll do all that stuff.
17:18
Lynn B Stone: That would have been a godsend.
17:20
Lynn B Stone: Absolutely.
17:21
Lynn B Stone: So I mean, I think just people are so afraid of of offending someone, and it's just like just take the time and just say, Hey, I'm going to the store.
17:31
Lynn B Stone: Do you need milk?
17:31
Lynn B Stone: Do you need eggs?
17:32
Lynn B Stone: What do you need?
17:32
Lynn B Stone: Let me just grab it, I'll grab it for you.
17:34
Lynn B Stone: Um, because if you if if people say, Well, if you need anything, let me know.
17:40
Lynn B Stone: And then we say that because we it's so well intentioned, right?
17:44
Lynn B Stone: We you know, if you need something, let me know.
17:46
Lynn B Stone: But as a widow, I don't know what I need.
17:49
Lynn B Stone: Right.
17:50
Lynn B Stone: I don't know, like if if I think I if I think of it, I don't want to impose on you to do something for me, so I just won't ask.
17:58
Lynn B Stone: But if you but if you're proactive, say, hey, I'm going to the store, I'm gonna grab you some milk, I'm gonna grab you some eggs, some bread, what else do you need?
18:05
Khalila McCoy: You know, definitely more specific and things.
18:08
Lynn B Stone: Absolutely, absolutely.
18:10
Lynn B Stone: So just be more deliberate and intentional about the conversations that you have with widowed people, I think that makes a huge difference because it's just people don't understand.
18:20
Lynn B Stone: They put their own timelines on widows, they're like, oh, you know, or they say things and they can people that haven't been through it don't necessarily know the impact of what they're saying and like how it's how it's interpreted.
18:34
Lynn B Stone: So um something that was said to me because I was 32 when my husband died.
18:40
Khalila McCoy: Okay.
18:41
Lynn B Stone: And like he was 43, so about eleven I said 11 years.
18:44
Khalila McCoy: Right.
18:45
Lynn B Stone: Um, you're young, you'll find somebody else.
18:48
Lynn B Stone: Oh no.
18:49
Lynn B Stone: And it's like, you know, that I I understand the intent and I understand the sentiment.
18:54
Lynn B Stone: However, comma, that is don't tell me that.
18:57
Lynn B Stone: That's that's not what I want to hear.
18:59
Lynn B Stone: Like, I don't want to hear that my husband's coming back and this was all a bad dream, and you know, this is all make-believe.
19:05
Lynn B Stone: And um the other one that they say is um he's in a better place now.
19:12
Lynn B Stone: And it's like, you know, again, well intentioned, but what what are you telling me?
19:19
Lynn B Stone: Are you saying that he wasn't in a good place with me?
19:20
Lynn B Stone: Like, you know, it's like your mind just starts spinning.
19:23
Lynn B Stone: And so it's I mean, it's it's just a difficult situation, no matter what.
19:28
Lynn B Stone: And I mean, people feel like they, you know, they're they're gonna get a catch-22 either way, like they're gonna say it or they're gonna, you know, they're either gonna be ex received well or not.
19:37
Lynn B Stone: So people, you know, they say, I just won't say anything.
19:40
Lynn B Stone: I don't want to interact, I don't want to be offensive.
19:43
Lynn B Stone: And you know, and that in itself isn't is offensive.
19:46
Lynn B Stone: So it's it's kind of the catch 22 no matter what you do, but it's very difficult.
19:51
Khalila McCoy: Um you mentioned, and then it's also in your book that you joined some widow groups.
19:55
Khalila McCoy: I did.
19:55
Khalila McCoy: So was that probably like the biggest support for you as far as understanding?
20:02
Lynn B Stone: Oh, for sure, for sure.
20:03
Lynn B Stone: Because I mean so the the biggest group that I joined was on Facebook.
20:07
Lynn B Stone: Like that.
20:08
Lynn B Stone: There were a couple of different Facebook pages, and really you you wouldn't even know they existed until you start looking for them because you're you're trying to find community, you're trying to find people that know what you're going through.
20:18
Lynn B Stone: Especially for me as a young widow, it was very difficult.
20:22
Lynn B Stone: Um because I, you know, everyone thinks that a widowed person is old.
20:26
Khalila McCoy: Usually older, right?
20:27
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
20:28
Lynn B Stone: And that was not the case.
20:29
Lynn B Stone: Like I'm 32, like my friends are you know having kids and playing going to soccer games, and like they don't have to worry about their dead husbands, and like their kid that you know doesn't have a father now.
20:40
Lynn B Stone: Um so that was that was definitely a huge help.
20:44
Lynn B Stone: Something else that I did was there was a local um widow group that I wound up joining, and they were all much older than me, um, probably old enough to be my grandparents, but you know what?
20:54
Lynn B Stone: Like I needed community.
20:56
Lynn B Stone: I wanted I wanted that community and I wanted that interaction and that acceptance of you know, hey, you know, I might not be able to directly relate to you because of our our age, but we've gone through the same, we've had the same type of experience.
21:10
Lynn B Stone: We've felt the same type of pain.
21:13
Lynn B Stone: We're grieving, we're on this journey together.
21:16
Lynn B Stone: So between the two, that was kind of my saving grace.
21:20
Lynn B Stone: Um, that and with my with my therapy and counseling, that those three things were were probably the most beneficial things that I could have done for myself, for sure.
21:33
Khalila McCoy: And then how long after the tragedy did you end up deciding I'm going to start to kind of document the things that I had to go through?
21:42
Lynn B Stone: I started it was probably about it was probably two or three years later um when I really decided that I wanted to give something back.
21:51
Lynn B Stone: I wanted to do something.
21:52
Lynn B Stone: I really couldn't figure out what it was that I wanted to do.
21:55
Lynn B Stone: And then I just started writing things down.
21:57
Lynn B Stone: Like, what do people need to know?
21:59
Lynn B Stone: What do you you know, what are things that would have helped me?
22:02
Lynn B Stone: Um, and so I just started writing and then I walk away from it and I'd come back to it and I'd add a little bit more and I'd kind of structure it a little bit and so it probably was over the course of probably about seven or eight years that I was just kind of off and on, like add, take away, add, walk away for you know six months and come back and pick it up.
22:22
Lynn B Stone: So it wasn't a an overnight thing, it was definitely an evolution.
22:26
Lynn B Stone: Um but I finally what finally got me to do it was um in 2024.
22:33
Lynn B Stone: Um well I'll backtrack to 2023.
22:36
Lynn B Stone: So out in 2023, I had just gotten out of relationship.
22:41
Lynn B Stone: So after my husband died, I was in probably three, three relationships.
22:46
Lynn B Stone: And one that was pretty quick afterwards, and then one that was about five years, and then one that was almost two.
22:54
Lynn B Stone: So after that last one, I'm like, you know, I need I need to figure out what I want because these guys just aren't hitting it.
23:00
Lynn B Stone: And I get out into the dating scene and I start meeting people based on my very intentional search, and I find a guy uh locally and we hit it off great, and like you know, things happen as things happen.
23:13
Lynn B Stone: And then in 2024, in January, I find out that I'm pregnant.
23:18
Lynn B Stone: And at 41.
23:20
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, definitely was not um was not in the plan.
23:25
Lynn B Stone: No, no, not at all, not at all, but you know, it's okay.
23:31
Lynn B Stone: Um I wound up giving birth to our son in June.
23:34
Lynn B Stone: So then June of 2024, and then I wound up taking um paid parental leave, so that was about three months of of paid leave uh with the government.
23:47
Lynn B Stone: And so it was during that time my mom had come again, she was there for about a month, uh, helping me with the baby.
23:54
Lynn B Stone: And during that time, I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna finish this book.
23:58
Lynn B Stone: I just want to just be done with it, I want to finish it.
24:01
Lynn B Stone: And so I did.
24:02
Lynn B Stone: I worked with the company and I got um, you know, I worked with a ghostwriter, and we got it finalized, we got it edited, copy, you know, all the things, and I published it on January 1st, 2025.
24:13
Khalila McCoy: Wow.
24:13
Khalila McCoy: And yeah, so I mean I was like during taking care of an event taking care of an infant too.
24:18
Khalila McCoy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:19
Khalila McCoy: Annihilizing the book.
24:21
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, we'll just add it all together.
24:23
Lynn B Stone: And yeah, it was it was good though.
24:25
Lynn B Stone: I mean, it was I mean, 'cause I I knew what I was looking for, I knew what I wanted to put out there.
24:29
Lynn B Stone: It was just getting it, just wrapping it all up and putting because I'd already done the hard work.
24:33
Lynn B Stone: It was just you know putting the last details on it and just really finalizing it.
24:38
Khalila McCoy: So that's what I you said before, like a lot of the stuff like needed for like funerals and stuff you guys hadn't planned out and figured out.
24:45
Khalila McCoy: So during the process of planning for your husband's funeral, was it like I don't know a nightmare almost for you because you didn't have those things?
24:54
Khalila McCoy: Is that kind of what led to you thinking about the book?
24:58
Lynn B Stone: It was so I I wouldn't classify it as a nightmare, but it was it was difficult because we lived in Georgia, his his family lived in um north central Florida, and so it was you know, and his parents were both alive at the time, and so it's like okay, what's the best thing for everyone?
25:18
Lynn B Stone: You know, because we could have very easily buried him here where we are, because that he was close to us.
25:23
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
25:23
Lynn B Stone: Um, but then his parents were like, well, you know, we would like him to be close to us down here, you know, we could tend the grave, and my mother-in-law, I mean they were very loving, but they had said, you know, you might move on and decide that you want to go somewhere else, and you know, we just want to be able to take care of the grave and all that.
25:39
Lynn B Stone: And I'm like, you know what, and that's perfectly logical, that makes sense.
25:43
Lynn B Stone: Um I think the big the big sticking point for us was probably what he was going to wear in the casket.
25:50
Khalila McCoy: Okay.
25:50
Khalila McCoy: Um because you know you had one idea and they had a different idea of like the outfit.
25:56
Khalila McCoy: Okay.
25:57
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, yeah, because my husband, I mean, my father-in-law wanted him to be in a suit and tie because that's kind of traditional.
26:03
Lynn B Stone: Um, and I that just wasn't him.
26:07
Lynn B Stone: Now, my husband looked fantastic in a suit and tie, but that wasn't his personality.
26:11
Lynn B Stone: He was a jeans, t-shirt, long shirt, ball cap, like that was his style.
26:16
Lynn B Stone: And so we talked about it, and ultimately that's the way that we went was the more casual look because that's who he was.
26:25
Khalila McCoy: Um, but you know, like it I like that though, but because even considering like what they would wear, right, in that moment, thinking about like you said, more traditional, or like, do I want this last moment of seeing you to reflect who you are, how I know you as a person?
26:39
Khalila McCoy: Like, I would not have thought about that at I out of my mind, I'm just like, oh, they just go grab a suit or something out of the closet.
26:46
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
26:47
Lynn B Stone: And that's and some people would do that, and you know, it's that's why it's just you know, again, that's why I wrote the book, because like it's just so important to kind of think through these things that you just yeah typically wouldn't think through.
26:58
Lynn B Stone: And really, the only way you would even know that that was even something that you should think about is if you've had to get of like a parent or grandparent ready, like you've had to do that, go through that exercise already.
27:10
Lynn B Stone: Um, but in this case, uh, you know, that's what we decided.
27:14
Lynn B Stone: And then like, you know, the flowers, like there's just so much like flowers and a service and a church and a pastor, and you know, so my husband, like I said, was military.
27:22
Lynn B Stone: So you had to get a hold of the color guard and like have them come and do a thing.
27:26
Lynn B Stone: And um, so it's just there was just so much planning that had to be done, you know, stuff that should have and could have been done ahead of time that I had to make decisions in four, well, three days, like a three-day time frame, had to make all these decisions.
27:44
Khalila McCoy: What just happened?
27:45
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
27:46
Lynn B Stone: Absolutely.
27:46
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
27:47
Lynn B Stone: So it was, you know, thankfully, you know, family was there and everyone's weighing in and you know, giving their input, and you know, it it all worked out.
27:56
Lynn B Stone: We he wound up in the family plot in the cemetery.
28:00
Lynn B Stone: Um, you know, we had to pick out the casket, had to pick out the liner, had to pick out like just stuff that you don't even think you just don't think about.
28:09
Lynn B Stone: Like, yeah, what are you gonna wear?
28:10
Lynn B Stone: What color of flowers are we gonna do?
28:12
Lynn B Stone: What you what music should we play at the service?
28:15
Khalila McCoy: You know, like when you were going through this, if you don't mind me asking, like were these what were the things that you felt were important and other things you're like, I don't even care, like let's just do what you have to do.
28:27
Khalila McCoy: I'm grieving right now.
28:30
Lynn B Stone: Um so I think the probably the most important thing for me was what I felt was important for him or would would have been important to him.
28:37
Lynn B Stone: So what he wore, um making sure that there was military representation, like so getting sure the color guard was there.
28:45
Lynn B Stone: And honestly, after that, like there were there were a couple songs that I knew that he loved, but they weren't really church songs.
28:55
Lynn B Stone: So I'm like, you know what, I that can I'll leave that up to my you know the the my in-laws, they can figure that out, they can because it was their church.
29:03
Lynn B Stone: Um so I I foc I put a lot of my focus and attention on getting um like a memorial like slideshow going.
29:13
Lynn B Stone: So it was pictures, like pulling all the pictures together.
29:17
Lynn B Stone: Um the obituary, writing getting the obituary right is always a a hard one.
29:23
Lynn B Stone: Um making sure that the songs that he wanted, that he always talked about wanting and loving, um, associated with pictures.
29:30
Lynn B Stone: Like I got like that whole slideshow done.
29:33
Lynn B Stone: Like that was kind of like what I put my energy into.
29:36
Lynn B Stone: Because that was my a that was my way to be able to just kind of reflect who he was and his life, and you know, that was important to me, was being able to show people the man that he was.
29:48
Lynn B Stone: And so um, you know, everything else was just process.
29:51
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, like the you know what songs they play and what this what the preacher said and you know what what um the little um pamphlet looked like that they hand out.
30:01
Lynn B Stone: So yeah, like just gathering the pictures and making sure that I had the right pictures out there, but everything else was you did that in three days.
30:10
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
30:11
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
30:12
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, all the planning, yeah, all the planning was it was really quick.
30:15
Lynn B Stone: I mean you when you go to the funeral home, because let's see, he died on a Sunday, we went to the funeral home on I think it was Wednesday.
30:25
Lynn B Stone: Tuesday.
30:26
Lynn B Stone: It would have had to have been Tuesday.
30:28
Lynn B Stone: And on that day, we had to pick out the casket, we had to pick out like we had to talk about what he was gonna wear, we had to fill out all the paperwork for the death certificate, fill out the paperwork for um the military stuff to be able to get his plaque on his for his grave site, um, to get the color guard arranged, so and to write the obituary.
30:49
Lynn B Stone: So that was that was seven things that we had to do in that day.
30:53
Lynn B Stone: Oh, and I think we ordered flowers, so that's eight.
30:55
Lynn B Stone: You know, and uh you just uh the flowers like yeah, that's pretty.
31:00
Lynn B Stone: I uh yeah, like it's just it's not uh for me, like that's just what like I'd just rather just delegate.
31:06
Lynn B Stone: Like it just as long as it looks nice, I don't really care.
31:08
Lynn B Stone: They're I'm they're gonna stay here.
31:11
Lynn B Stone: So if they stay on the they go on the grief site after they're done, so you know but yeah, it was it's just a very that's again the importance of planning and having those convers like these at and I try to bring out those things in the book.
31:26
Lynn B Stone: I talk about like the funeral planning and you talk about what you're gonna wear.
31:31
Lynn B Stone: Do you want to be buried or cremated?
31:33
Lynn B Stone: Do you you know where do you if you want to be buried, where do you want to be buried?
31:37
Lynn B Stone: You know, like these things that are just like decisions that I had to make because I didn't know what he wanted.
31:43
Khalila McCoy: Well then even after that, right?
31:45
Khalila McCoy: After the funeral, it's not over, because you talk about like even like getting money from the bank or property and things like that and going to probate and all that.
31:53
Khalila McCoy: Um how was that process for you?
31:56
Lynn B Stone: So he didn't have a will.
31:59
Lynn B Stone: So we didn't have to do probate.
32:01
Lynn B Stone: Um, and it honestly depends on the family, or I'm sorry, the family, but also depends on the state that you live in.
32:07
Lynn B Stone: Okay.
32:08
Lynn B Stone: So because we were married, I got everything.
32:12
Lynn B Stone: Like his estate, everything in the estate went to me.
32:14
Lynn B Stone: Um so I didn't have to probate anything.
32:17
Lynn B Stone: But um, you know, some if there is a will, then yeah, you have to go through the probate process and you have to do that, and it's expensive.
32:24
Lynn B Stone: My goodness, probate is expensive, and it's a lot of time that you have to wait for stuff to happen and for all the notices to go out and whatever.
32:32
Lynn B Stone: So we didn't we didn't have to deal with that.
32:35
Lynn B Stone: Um it was notifying every like no getting getting all the paperwork finalized for like the insurance, like the life insurances and the beneficiaries for um retirements and payouts and that 401ks and that kind of stuff, like really outlining that stuff um and making sure that it was going to the right accounts.
32:54
Lynn B Stone: And I want to sit and stress the importance of making sure that your beneficiaries are updated, especially if people are coming out of um out of former marriages, like they get divorced and they get into a new marriage, but they don't update their their beneficiaries.
33:09
Lynn B Stone: So if something happens to them and it all goes to the ex.
33:12
Lynn B Stone: That's not the intent, but yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, super messy.
33:17
Lynn B Stone: So, but you know, fortunately, you didn't have to deal with that, but you know, like just trying we in a way I was fortunate because I was already on like we'd already done our beneficiary forums, I was already on the bank accounts, I was already on the bills, I was you know, I was already involved in that stuff, but I recognized when I was writing my book that I was fortunate, and that there are a lot of people that don't have that same knowledge about you know what's happening in their relationship as far as like who's the bills that are being paid and being on the bank accounts and you know what what monies are coming in from what places or how to access those monies.
33:58
Lynn B Stone: So um it was but it was definitely you know again you're in the fog, you're trying to process these things, you're trying to keep life somewhat normal as the world, you know, life continues, whether you're whether you're paying attention or not, and trying to maintain some level of normalcy for the kids and for family and for yourself, and really kind of coming into your new normal.
34:24
Lynn B Stone: Like what is you know, what who am I?
34:27
Lynn B Stone: Because that was something else that and I don't I didn't really talk about that in the book, but like it is uh you get into this identity, you can't have an identity crisis because you know, for so long you've been a wife.
34:40
Lynn B Stone: Right.
34:41
Lynn B Stone: And now you're not.
34:43
Lynn B Stone: I mean, you know, that your your husband's gone, so like what are you?
34:47
Lynn B Stone: You know, you fulfilled your own.
34:48
Khalila McCoy: It sounds like you guys spent a lot of time together, like you guys did all these different things together, built this life together.
34:55
Lynn B Stone: Exactly.
34:55
Lynn B Stone: And then just like that, they're gone.
34:58
Lynn B Stone: And yeah, so it was very it was very difficult to manage that and really try to figure out who I was.
35:05
Lynn B Stone: And you know, people don't have a lot of tolerance for grieving.
35:11
Lynn B Stone: You know, they don't know how to deal with it, so they avoid it.
35:15
Lynn B Stone: You know, they don't want to see you crying.
35:17
Lynn B Stone: They don't want to like they don't want to say something that's gonna trigger you to start crying, so they just avoid it.
35:22
Khalila McCoy: Right.
35:23
Lynn B Stone: And, you know, there's kind of a you'll see you might see it.
35:26
Lynn B Stone: I don't know.
35:27
Lynn B Stone: I don't I think it just depends on who you're friends with, but there's sometimes there's a little bit of a campaign of like say their name.
35:32
Lynn B Stone: Okay.
35:33
Lynn B Stone: Say their yeah, yeah, don't be afraid to say their name.
35:36
Lynn B Stone: Like say, you know, because you're not gonna you're not gonna stir up a bad memory for me by saying their name.
35:42
Lynn B Stone: You know what I mean?
35:42
Lynn B Stone: If you say their name, that means that you remembered them and that you recognize that they were a part of your life just as they were a part of my life.
35:50
Lynn B Stone: And I told people, like, you're not gonna upset me if you remember him.
35:54
Lynn B Stone: I remember him all the time.
35:56
Khalila McCoy: So like if you remember him, then I'm I was gonna ask you, can you tell us what his name is?
36:00
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, his name is Brian.
36:02
Lynn B Stone: And so he uh he went by a couple different names, but you know, Brian and went by Stone, went by you know, whatever other variation of that you could come up with.
36:13
Lynn B Stone: Right.
36:14
Lynn B Stone: Um but it was uh yeah, he I mean he was a good guy.
36:18
Lynn B Stone: He was a really good guy.
36:20
Lynn B Stone: Um he was loved by everyone that he worked with and was interacting with.
36:24
Lynn B Stone: Um it's just it was it was a tough loss.
36:28
Lynn B Stone: We worked together, so that that made it really hard because not only did I have home where he was gone, then I also had work where he was gone.
36:38
Lynn B Stone: So I had to I had to clean out his office, and that was really hard.
36:42
Lynn B Stone: Um and then, you know, so like there's still like I still have stuff, and that was, you know, ten years ago.
36:50
Lynn B Stone: I still have stuff that was from his office.
36:52
Khalila McCoy: Was like cleaning out his office and being at home, was that part of like kind of the therapy of kind of moving on and remembering him, or was that harder?
37:04
Lynn B Stone: It's both, if that makes sense.
37:06
Lynn B Stone: Like you like it is a little therapeutic because you're you are collecting his things.
37:11
Lynn B Stone: It's kind of like that last honor type thing, like you're gathering his things and you're you know, you're taking them home, but you you know, you're grieving while you're doing it, and we it was so fresh, you know.
37:21
Lynn B Stone: Like we're like literally two weeks after he's after he passed, and I'm cleaning out his office and trying to move his stuff.
37:29
Lynn B Stone: And I think it's difficult because you know, and it's not just government, it's anywhere that you know you get this person out, this person dies, and then you clean out their space, and then there's a new person sitting in there.
37:39
Khalila McCoy: And they don't even know who he was.
37:41
Lynn B Stone: Exactly.
37:41
Lynn B Stone: They don't know him, they know nothing about him, and like that's that's the hard part, I think, of of especially when you work with somebody, like when you work with your spouse, um, and they and they die, like that's a very difficult thing that you're working through is you know, like you have shared contacts and like it's just it's just weird.
38:01
Lynn B Stone: I think for me, you know, I've I've continued working in that space.
38:04
Lynn B Stone: Um I've changed a little bit, like what should the group that I've been working with, so but I think about it actually pretty often about how my like there's a very diff like there's a very firm line in the sand of like the before and the after.
38:22
Lynn B Stone: Okay.
38:22
Lynn B Stone: Like and it's like the people who knew him and the people who didn't know him.
38:26
Lynn B Stone: Like the people you know what I mean, like the people who know me, and like just the distinction in the people, and like you know, and I talk about them and I've got pictures of them, so they've seen him, but they don't know him.
38:38
Lynn B Stone: Like they don't know him like how I know him.
38:40
Lynn B Stone: So it was just like I, you know, it's just talking a lot about my husband, and so um it's just interesting in that it's just such a dear a weird dynamic whenever you are in that workspace and and then you're not.
38:52
Lynn B Stone: But I drive I actually go by the same building that we used to work in, and I always look up into the because he he had an office with a window.
39:00
Lynn B Stone: So I you know when I walk by I see that and I'm like, oh, yeah.
39:05
Lynn B Stone: Uh-huh.
39:06
Lynn B Stone: So yeah, like just those little memories, then you just keep on walking because you don't want to start crying.
39:10
Lynn B Stone: Um, and that I mean, and that's the thing, you know, they say, like where there's where once was great love is great grief.
39:18
Lynn B Stone: And you know, like that, you know, like I said, it's ten years and I mean most days I'm good, but sometimes, you know, it's like a little memory will slip down your cheek because you just you just remember.
39:30
Khalila McCoy: So yeah.
39:32
Khalila McCoy: Um one thing that you mentioned in your book was that you know, keeping those memories alive, taking the pictures.
39:41
Khalila McCoy: Um, you talked about like little videos and messages.
39:44
Khalila McCoy: Do you have any of those that you have Brian that you can pull up sometimes?
39:51
Lynn B Stone: They weren't, you know, it's funny because technology, technology has been a blessing and a curse.
39:57
Lynn B Stone: So today it is so much easier to you know take pictures, take recordings because we have we have our phone in our pocket, right?
40:05
Lynn B Stone: We can we can whip it out, we can record something or whatever.
40:10
Lynn B Stone: Um so what's difficult is you know, whenever he and I were married, like through our marriage, cell phones were evolving.
40:18
Khalila McCoy: Right.
40:19
Lynn B Stone: So I have a couple videos um of him being silly and um but that's about it.
40:28
Lynn B Stone: I have a bunch of pictures.
40:29
Lynn B Stone: I have a bunch of pictures I can look at, but it's like I don't have a lot of audio.
40:33
Lynn B Stone: Yeah and so like that's why, especially in that part of the book, I do I I am I encourage that interaction, I encourage the voices, like I ensure I encourage like the videos and all that stuff because truly when your person goes, that's what you have left.
40:50
Lynn B Stone: You've got pictures and you've got videos.
40:53
Lynn B Stone: I mean, some people will save voicemails.
40:56
Lynn B Stone: Um, you know, like they'll save just like random voicemail messages or text message strings, um, just because that's that's all you have left of them.
41:06
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
41:06
Khalila McCoy: You said too, like it was heartbreaking to read you said that we hear from widows and children that they forget what they look like or sound like.
41:14
Khalila McCoy: And I know you said your daughter was seven, right?
41:17
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
41:17
Khalila McCoy: When you pass.
41:18
Khalila McCoy: Has she had to go through any of that?
41:21
Lynn B Stone: Um a little bit.
41:25
Lynn B Stone: Okay.
41:25
Lynn B Stone: So one of the things that and I I tell you, her teacher, I'd I give her all the credit for this, but whenever her dad died, her teacher had given her what they called a dad box.
41:36
Lynn B Stone: And it's like just a hat box, but she was able to put all of her memories and stuff in there of her daddy.
41:43
Lynn B Stone: So like there's like a stuffed animal, there's and there's flowers from the funeral.
41:47
Lynn B Stone: I had taken um, I had burnt a CD of the presentation that I put up, like that slide deck.
41:53
Lynn B Stone: So all the kids have that, have a copy of that if they want to play it.
41:58
Lynn B Stone: Now technology is fantastic until you as long as you have a drive.
42:02
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, I should have thought about that a little bit more.
42:07
Lynn B Stone: But um we didn't know that was gonna happen.
42:09
Lynn B Stone: Who would have thought?
42:10
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, exactly, exactly.
42:12
Lynn B Stone: But um, so she does, and you know, anytime I come across a video, like we took some Facebook was just starting to come out, so they would have a couple videos, and every time it comes up, I'll tag her in it and be like, hey, check out your you know, so you can take a look at your silly dad, you know.
42:26
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
42:27
Lynn B Stone: So she does have she she is able to connect to that, so it it she hasn't really struggled too much with that part of like of of forgetting.
42:36
Lynn B Stone: Um I think for her, and and I think this is probably true for any child that has lost their parent, is that they think about what they're missing.
42:47
Khalila McCoy: Right.
42:48
Lynn B Stone: You know, like so my daughter's a senior this year, like she's you know, dad's not there for the last, right?
42:54
Lynn B Stone: The like the last the last first day of school, the the opportunity to walk across the football field uh because the band got done, you know.
43:04
Lynn B Stone: So what we've we've had to have surrogates.
43:07
Lynn B Stone: So her brother, um, the younger of the two had come and sh he walked with me across the field with her for senior night.
43:15
Lynn B Stone: So, you know, but dad won't be there for graduation, dad won't be there for you know, whatever.
43:20
Lynn B Stone: So it's like those types of things, I think, are what's hitting her now.
43:24
Lynn B Stone: And like I think it's honestly it's just it's so unfair.
43:30
Lynn B Stone: Um it's so unfair for the kids because they are they have to process their grief continually as they understand it.
43:39
Lynn B Stone: You know what I mean?
43:40
Lynn B Stone: So as so she was seven when he died.
43:43
Lynn B Stone: So how what she understood about her dad dying evolved as she got older and she had to continue to process it and figure it out and understand it.
43:53
Lynn B Stone: And I think that's that's such a that's so hard as a parent to really watch your child go through that.
43:59
Lynn B Stone: iteration of uh evolving um the evolution of grief but you know for she seems okay I mean you know like like most of us you know like you have good days you have bad days and you know there's certain days like dad's birthday or you know like holidays or you know whatever that it's a little harder.
44:20
Lynn B Stone: Um so on those days we try to do special things like you know for his birthday we'll go to his favorite restaurant and we'll order the food that he would usually order.
44:28
Lynn B Stone: Um or we'll go to the beach because that was his favorite place to go and you know we just kinda hang out there and you know just check out the water and just chill out for a little bit.
44:39
Lynn B Stone: So yeah.
44:40
Lynn B Stone: Or you know when it's football season we vo we root for the team that he loved just because that's who daddy loved.
44:46
Lynn B Stone: So just like those little things that kind of keep him alive in our in our memories.
44:52
Khalila McCoy: Yeah I like that.
44:53
Khalila McCoy: I mean you talk about that too like I said in the book just having those connections making sure you're I like how you say it, I'm sure it's not exactly the wording, but like even in planning for death don't forget to live in the moment.
45:06
Khalila McCoy: Like you know I mean like even though you're thinking about this and being prepared for it because like you put in the book it it's inevitable.
45:12
Khalila McCoy: It's going to happen we have to treasure these times.
45:15
Khalila McCoy: And I thought that was really powerful just kind of thinking at thinking about it through those lens.
45:21
Lynn B Stone: Yeah absolutely and I you know for those people that are you know kind of like I just don't like to do this I don't want to do it.
45:27
Lynn B Stone: I look at death planning as kind of like your last act of love for your family.
45:31
Lynn B Stone: You know like you're taking a lot of the decision making and a lot of the stress out of a situation that's already difficult.
45:39
Khalila McCoy: Right.
45:40
Lynn B Stone: You know if you if you make if you come up with all the answers you you give all the answers like you answer all the questions that everyone could have all they have to do is execute the plan that's so much it makes it just so much easier to deal with.
45:54
Lynn B Stone: Because you know it's you're already grieving you know like you already have to deal with processing the loss and the less that I have to really think about and and worry if I did what you would have wanted the better.
46:06
Lynn B Stone: So it just lets the it lets the shift the shift focus a little bit or focus shifts a little bit to be able to really focus on the person and their life versus all these decisions that have to be made in pri you like you're just so you're running ragged because you're trying to make sure you have all the decisions made right before like well you can before you can actually grieve.
46:27
Lynn B Stone: So it's it's it's just tough.
46:30
Lynn B Stone: It's not it's not fun.
46:31
Lynn B Stone: No one likes it.
46:32
Lynn B Stone: And that's why right it's there's nothing fun about this topic.
46:35
Lynn B Stone: And you know some people you know especially with death planning right they want to like some people it's some people just don't want to talk about it.
46:44
Lynn B Stone: Like they're like oh I'm not you know I'm I'm gonna be around forever you don't have to worry about that but it's like yeah but you're not right and I would rather you tell me what you want.
46:56
Lynn B Stone: You know it's just it just makes it easier because if that way I don't have to guess.
47:01
Lynn B Stone: I don't have to worry that I made the wrong decision.
47:05
Lynn B Stone: And I mean honestly thinking back to my husband I there's nothing that I really worry about with him.
47:12
Lynn B Stone: Like I feel like every like I feel like the decisions that we made were what he would have wanted.
47:17
Lynn B Stone: Um so I feel at peace about that but you know death can bring out the crazy in a lot of families yeah and especially in a positive relationship with your husband at the time like imagine I mean I'm sure you know families who are not the drama that that brings in the tension between different family members that are still living absolutely about the situation.
47:41
Lynn B Stone: So absolutely well and that's yeah absolutely yeah I mean it you know and that's why the family dynamics are so hard anyway.
47:48
Lynn B Stone: I mean you know you every everybody's story is going to be a little different and you know trying to make plans and you know what you might have said ten years ago might not be how you feel 10 years you know right now and you know ten years from now it might change again or it might change into something else.
48:05
Lynn B Stone: And um that that's why it's so important to just kind of keep keep up with it.
48:12
Lynn B Stone: Like write it down.
48:12
Lynn B Stone: I I mean I remember telling my husband because he was he would talk about stuff and I'd be like I'm just gonna write it down.
48:18
Lynn B Stone: I need to write it down but it was just so random so haphazard when things would kind of come off there's like okay I'm just gonna have to make a mental note because otherwise it's just not gonna it's not gonna fly.
48:30
Khalila McCoy: Right.
48:31
Khalila McCoy: And so that's you think like oh I'll get to it later it'll be fine.
48:34
Khalila McCoy: Like I don't need to worry about this now.
48:37
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
48:37
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
48:38
Lynn B Stone: Well you know that it's so interesting to me because I've met a lot of people since post it since publishing my book and you know I I tell them what my book's about they're like oh but nice to meet you.
48:51
Lynn B Stone: Wow what a what a topic to cover but it's it's funny though because what I've found is that people who have experienced it like usually it's with some sometimes it's there's like they've personally gone through it but some of them have experienced it with a parent.
49:10
Lynn B Stone: Okay and so like they they can see the book and they're like wow this is perfect timing I need to get this in front of my mom my dad died and you know the one person he was so nice and he was talking about how his dad had passed away and his dad was an engineer and he had everything like figured out to the penny like knew where everything was going to be had it all sorted out.
49:31
Lynn B Stone: So it was you know after he passed away it was very smooth like they didn't really have any issues and he says I need to get my mom on board with this because she doesn't have the first clue.
49:43
Lynn B Stone: Like she's you know she didn't she doesn't know what she wants and I he's like I don't know what she wants and I don't I want to make sure that I'm doing right by her and he's like I need to get her I need to sit her down and have this conversation and I said yeah you do and it's a hard conversation and you know folks don't want to face their own mortality I said that earlier it's just yeah they don't want to believe that they're gonna die.
50:06
Lynn B Stone: They don't want to imagine a life they don't want to imagine life without them.
50:10
Khalila McCoy: Yes.
50:10
Khalila McCoy: You know thinking about their definitely kids like thinking like I said I have a five year old and thinking like you put in the book like who is going to take care of them like if something happens to both of us or where that comes from and I'm like I don't want somebody else to raise my baby but I need to be prepared for that just you know God forbid something were to happen.
50:31
Lynn B Stone: Yeah well it's so interesting like there's well there's a segue because it's not even so I talk about death planning a lot.
50:39
Lynn B Stone: I mean the whole thing's about death planning but one of the things I talk about is about making sure that you have your plans in place.
50:47
Lynn B Stone: So this a lot of this stuff can also come into play when you're talking about if something were to happen to you like and you're still alive.
50:56
Lynn B Stone: Like if you're just incapacitated.
50:58
Lynn B Stone: Okay right so let's just you know if someone has a sh like has a mental a mental has a mental breakdown has a physical medical situation like where they have a stroke and they can't do anything um Alzheimer's or dementia patients um they wind up intubated you know like think about COVID when all those people wound up in the hospital unexpected um like a lot of them didn't have plans in place didn't have their wishes outlined I didn't feel that yeah yeah so I mean it happens all the time and I so I I also think about my daughter um she's 17 right now she turns eighteen next month at that point she's legally an adult if something happens to her and she doesn't have that stuff outlined I can't do anything so it's like making the sooner the better.
51:45
Khalila McCoy: Oh yeah for sure for sure and I like how you say like you know go back to it like once a year or something make a plan so like you said if things change or beneficiaries change you can update it but right it's better to have it than not.
51:58
Lynn B Stone: Yeah I had um I had done a workshop last year and I invited an attorney a funeral planner a um life insurance agent and a CPA to be speakers at this at this workshop.
52:14
Lynn B Stone: And the the attorney was fabulous I I loved him and he had shared a story with us about a man he was a judge and he had done his will and he outlined I mean he went so far as to say who his six people were that what he wanted to carry his casket and the problem I mean it was great fabulous that he had done this except for he hadn't touched it in thirty years.
52:38
Lynn B Stone: So whenever he had passed away the people that he had identified four of the six were already dead the other two one was in a wheelchair and the other one was not physically able to do anything.
52:52
Lynn B Stone: Oh my goodness.
52:53
Lynn B Stone: So it just kind of stressed the importance of you know yeah you've done you've done the work but you still have to make sure that it's still current and up to date or else it doesn't matter anymore.
53:05
Lynn B Stone: So and it's kind of it's even funnier I talk of course you know being in this in this space and you know writing the book and you know sharing information.
53:14
Lynn B Stone: I was talking with my parents and they were talking about how they need to redo their will.
53:19
Lynn B Stone: And I said yeah you definitely need to redo their will do your will and they said well yeah we definitely need to redo the will because you were 13 whenever we did it last and you were going to go live with your aunt if something happened to us and I'm pretty sure she might not be so interested in that now that you're you know 30 years later.
53:38
Khalila McCoy: Yes.
53:38
Khalila McCoy: That's funny I had the same conversation with my parents and they were like yeah your grandma was gonna take care of you and my grandma's 98 now so I was like I don't think she's gonna be taking care of it.
53:49
Lynn B Stone: Yeah roles might be slightly like my mom is taking care of her right now so yeah yeah yeah well and so I also talk about that I talk about um other family members so I think about like you know you like your mom taking care of her mom um one of my my exes um his mom had and pet and dad had taken care of her mom and I mean so much to the point that you know she had lived in their living room for like three years in a hospital bed um and they had taken care of her day in and day out and so when I wrote it I was thinking about them in mind like if something would have happened to her to the one that was the the caregiver right what happens to the parent?
54:33
Lynn B Stone: What happens to the person that's being cared for um because you know making those plans so thinking about your mom and your grandmother if something happens to your mom what happens to grandmother it does happen yeah yeah and so like this is like it's a it's a snowball domino effect right you really get thinking about these hard questions and well there's so much to think about so it does make sense to start earlier so you can you know hit the different things as they come up or as you're thinking about them.
55:00
Khalila McCoy: I mean I liked I mean I was even reading at first I was like wow this is really detailed is this overly detailed but even like when you were talking about like keeping things consistent for the kids or knowing about the household stores.
55:12
Khalila McCoy: So I was like oh well okay well maybe if you have a service you need to know this but like you said just even knowing like where do we keep the gas for the lawnmower or things like that or grocery shopping.
55:25
Khalila McCoy: I thought that was interesting but I mean I did I my husband does most of the grocery shopping in our family and I went grocery shopping and I did not know where to find stuff.
55:33
Khalila McCoy: Like somebody came up to me and was like do you need help?
55:36
Khalila McCoy: But if I you know I'm if I'm in that state of mourning somebody a loss right I'm gonna be even more lost if I don't have all these things in place.
55:48
Khalila McCoy: So at some times like it does seem like overkill but you're like no like this would be so great to have lined up one thing that really shocked me and if you could talk a little bit about um that you shared was the organ donation.
56:03
Khalila McCoy: Yes so you said that like they called you the day that he passed and again you explained this in the book like they have to right because they need the organs.
56:12
Khalila McCoy: I did not even think about that.
56:15
Lynn B Stone: Yeah I don't and I honestly don't think that many people do.
56:18
Lynn B Stone: I don't think that many people put that connection together um and so for us you can I you can say that you want to be an organ donor on your driver's license.
56:28
Lynn B Stone: Right.
56:28
Lynn B Stone: And so he did.
56:30
Lynn B Stone: It was kind of funny because for the longest time he didn't want to be and then I don't know what changed but we moved to Georgia and all of a sudden he wanted to be an organ donor.
56:39
Lynn B Stone: I said okay you can okay whatever you want to do.
56:43
Lynn B Stone: And uh yeah didn't really think anything about it and then of course he died it was a Sunday um and it was like it was sometime in the early morning because I got up it was probably about four four thirty when I got up and found him and so he was dead somewhere in that four hour like from midnight it's in that four hour window and uh they called me that afternoon and it was it was the um I can't remember the name of the company but they wanted his eyes.
57:14
Lynn B Stone: They wanted to they wanted to take his eyes.
57:16
Lynn B Stone: And I was talking with them and I said well will you be able to use them and they're like well we're not sure because of the time frame and you know it's because they were coming from Atlanta and Atlanta is about four and a half hours from here and they couldn't verify they couldn't be sure if it would if they would be viable to be able to be used.
57:35
Lynn B Stone: And so ultimately I wound up turning them down.
57:38
Lynn B Stone: I said you know I if it if you were closer if you could give me a little bit more reassurance I would probably be a little bit more willing to do it but if I don't want you to take his eyes just in case like that's not that's not cool.
57:50
Lynn B Stone: But yeah I mean I don't I don't think a lot of people realize that whenever your person dies if they if they said they want to be an organ donor you're probably gonna be getting a phone call saying you know we want to which surprises me that they would find out so quickly.
58:05
Lynn B Stone: Oh how well I think yeah I think it's in the medical records so whenever they um that's the that's the only thing I can figure or maybe through the hospital okay um because it's uh for us it's on your driver's license so somehow there was that connection.
58:22
Lynn B Stone: Now when he died again the it would it I don't even think I went full on into the story um much further than I found him dead but after like I called 911 they talked me through doing CPR I already knew how to do CPR so I was doing my own thing and um the ambulance company was like five minutes literally like right around the corner.
58:42
Lynn B Stone: So they got there probably about five minutes they did the AED it wasn't working so they covered it up covered him up with a sheet and then I was out in the living room just sitting and so you've got the firefighters you've got the EMTs you've got the paramedics you've got the sheriff's department and you've got all these deputies coming I mean there were probably a dozen people that were just like filtering through my house as I'm sitting there and again I'm like just in shock because I don't even know what's happening.
59:12
Lynn B Stone: And um so you know like they they want his they want his ID and so like they you know they get his ID they take his prescription medication like they log everything like I they interviewed me like three or four times I'm answering the same questions over and over again.
59:30
Lynn B Stone: I think they're I think they were looking for consistency like to see if there were you know any any questionable things.
59:37
Lynn B Stone: And then the coroner came they called the coroner coroner came and he spoke with me and he said about an autopsy.
59:45
Lynn B Stone: They I mean I didn't even think about it.
59:47
Lynn B Stone: Like they're like you know do you and he says well did you want to have an autopsy done I said uh I don't know and he says well he said I don't suspect foul play he said I think this was natural you know he all the medication that was in the in the thing it tells me that there was a lot going on so you know if the doctor's willing to sign off on the paperwork we we don't want to be intrusive if we don't have to be I said well I that okay that sounds great.
1:00:11
Khalila McCoy: Right.
1:00:12
Lynn B Stone: So no no autopsy and you know what I didn't know then and I found out much later and maybe other people already knew this but with autopsies of course it takes longer but it's also expensive.
1:00:26
Khalila McCoy: Okay.
1:00:26
Lynn B Stone: An autopsy isn't free.
1:00:28
Lynn B Stone: So I didn't know that.
1:00:29
Lynn B Stone: Yeah it is not free so it's expensive and um but you know they can and but the other thing is is they don't always they aren't always able to figure out the exact cause of death so like they'll kind of allude to it what they think it is but they don't know ex 100% for sure.
1:00:47
Lynn B Stone: So that was I didn't know that at the time I just I said look I don't you know if I agree like I didn't do anything to him um I think that whatever it was it was just natural causes and that's what they wrote it up as.
1:01:02
Lynn B Stone: Now interestingly that was the coroner saying that the doctor called the day that we were um getting ready to bury him and he says um I don't I don't know why your husband died.
1:01:16
Lynn B Stone: I don't know why they want me to sign this paperwork.
1:01:18
Lynn B Stone: And I said well I said um we're getting ready to put him in the ground he's already been embalmed he's already like he's dressed he's in the casket he's ready to go so you can probably just go ahead and sign it because he ain't coming back so yeah that was uh that was quite a um an interesting conversation with him yeah I don't apparently someone in the doctor's office has said that he would sign it and I that was apparently news to the doctor.
1:01:49
Khalila McCoy: But yeah so it was that was even the chain of communication sometimes is yeah not the best.
1:01:55
Khalila McCoy: Oh no no which I'm sure like you said the day of like that's not what you want to hear no at that moment.
1:02:02
Lynn B Stone: No and again I think whenever they like it they took his driver's license information so that's the that's the only way I can think of that they must have put some something in the database that would have triggered the organ donations.
1:02:14
Khalila McCoy: Yeah that's the only thing I can figure so yeah that was so shocking reading that I was like I can't imagine and then also to like even the person who has to be the person to call to ask you for that.
1:02:26
Lynn B Stone: Like I'm sure that's not I'm assuming that's probably not like the highlight of their day or a great job to have like no probably not and of course you know I didn't know that was a thing.
1:02:38
Lynn B Stone: I didn't I was not expecting that phone call at all.
1:02:41
Lynn B Stone: So I probably wasn't the most pleasant person either um you know being the recipient of that call just right kind of out of the blue.
1:02:49
Lynn B Stone: And um I mean I tried to be as gracious as I could be but it's like I if you if you can't promise me that they'll be used, you can't have 'em.
1:02:57
Khalila McCoy: Right.
1:02:58
Lynn B Stone: So I mean I honestly I think my husband would have been okay with that either way because it like I said it took him so long to come to the point of even agreeing to be an organ donor so I think he would have agreed with that.
1:03:07
Lynn B Stone: But yeah that was it's definitely one of those things that you sign up for because you think you're doing a good thing and you just don't know.
1:03:15
Lynn B Stone: Right.
1:03:16
Lynn B Stone: Yeah like you said it's not stuff people usually talk about so right right yeah it there were definitely a lot of lessons learned a lot of things that you just you just don't know until you go through it.
1:03:30
Lynn B Stone: Um needing you know honestly it was so good that I was on the bank accounts but if I wouldn't have been on the bank accounts I would have like we would have had to have gone through a process.
1:03:41
Lynn B Stone: Um death certificates you have to buy them you don't get them for free so they'll usually yeah yeah you don't get them for free you have to buy them.
1:03:52
Lynn B Stone: So they usually they'll suggest that you buy about 10 up front so that you have enough to give to your creditors to take care of his estate.
1:04:11
Khalila McCoy: And funerals my goodness like 10 to 15 thousand for a funeral but yeah so for for the casket for the burial for the service for um embalming of the body um yeah like it's just it is ridiculously expensive and so you're you said Brian was in the military so is that is that part free or do you guys have to pay for the color guard to come out and things like that or the color guard was free um as far as I know I don't recall paying for that I think that was part of like that's just one of the things that comes with the military.
1:04:49
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
1:04:49
Lynn B Stone: And the um like you can either get you can either get a headstone or you can get like a bronze uh plaque to go at the foot at the foot of the s of the I don't know what the heck they call that thing.
1:05:05
Lynn B Stone: But um that's what we got.
1:05:07
Lynn B Stone: We got the bronze plaque.
1:05:08
Lynn B Stone: So you get that for free.
1:05:09
Lynn B Stone: So you get your bronze plaque you get the color guard um but that's it.
1:05:14
Lynn B Stone: And you know if they you know he he was a he should have but he didn't go to the VA so I don't really know about the benefits and how that all works out as far as continuity.
1:05:25
Lynn B Stone: But um but yeah it was there nothing nothing free.
1:05:31
Lynn B Stone: Now if you if it's a veteran and they want to be buried in a veteran cemetery that's free.
1:05:38
Lynn B Stone: Like they can be buried in a veteran cemetery for free.
1:05:40
Lynn B Stone: Okay but you know depending on where you want them to be buried um there might be a cost for the plot and for the the digging of the grave and the and the preparation of the grave and all that too.
1:05:53
Lynn B Stone: So yeah I mean it's the the cost, I mean it's it's probably it's it's I'd say easy easily fifteen fifteen grand for a burial.
1:06:04
Khalila McCoy: Yeah, that's a lot.
1:06:05
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, it is a lot.
1:06:07
Lynn B Stone: And so, you know, like I th I don't know if you knew this, but there were there's actually um burial insurance that people can buy.
1:06:16
Khalila McCoy: Okay.
1:06:16
Lynn B Stone: And that will pay for all of that stuff.
1:06:20
Lynn B Stone: Um there's a there's some I don't know if they have them in your area, but Dignity is a um funeral home organization.
1:06:29
Lynn B Stone: Like they they like they have a lot of um dignity funeral home memorial service whatever the heck they call themselves.
1:06:37
Lynn B Stone: But they're like they're nationwide.
1:06:39
Lynn B Stone: And so you can set up a plan with them.
1:06:42
Lynn B Stone: Like you can order all your stuff.
1:06:43
Lynn B Stone: Like you can pick out your casket you can pick out everything.
1:06:46
Lynn B Stone: You do all the stuff and they'll you know figure out how much that cost is and then you can pay it off and then that's done.
1:06:54
Lynn B Stone: So whenever it's your time all they have to do is execute it.
1:07:01
Lynn B Stone: So I mean that's kind of nice.
1:07:04
Lynn B Stone: It is nice.
1:07:05
Lynn B Stone: It's really nice and um so interestingly I my grandmother had done something not through dignity she did it through a private um a private funeral home up north and um paid for her casket paid for the plot paid for everything and got scammed like this was a private funeral home so they you know she had done all the things that she thought she was supposed to do they took her money and ran.
1:07:31
Lynn B Stone: And so she recouped a little bit like I'd probably a fraction of what she paid and so I was actually talking to my mom about you know maybe she should try it in again and she said well she's really you know she's already done this once she's inspired by that yeah that's horrible yeah I said well if she if you go through a company that's a little bit more well of known yes you know like dignity's one of them um yeah the chances of it falling through is not as good.
1:08:00
Lynn B Stone: Like I think you I think you'll be okay.
1:08:03
Lynn B Stone: But you know, because she's always worried about putting people out.
1:08:06
Lynn B Stone: You don't want to don't want to inconvenience anybody don't want to impose on anybody and it's like well if that's how you feel there are things that you can do to get get things set up so that whenever it's your time all they have to do is basically push play.
1:08:20
Lynn B Stone: Like it's like autoplay like everything's all figured out like what you want how you want it where you want it it's all done.
1:08:26
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
1:08:27
Lynn B Stone: So yeah it's I think that's death planning is it's a hard topic but it's such it's so necessary.
1:08:37
Lynn B Stone: It's so and I I try to I try to keep it light because it's it is such a heavy topic you know talking thinking about thinking about how your family will move on without you and trying to be prepared for that thinking about I don't know it's it's just it is difficult but one of those just necessary evils I guess if you if you have to classify it as something just something that we all should try to do.
1:09:05
Khalila McCoy: I mean you don't have to you don't have to do anything but then that burden falls right absolutely for your loved ones.
1:09:12
Lynn B Stone: Absolutely the burden falls on those that are left behind to make all the decisions.
1:09:16
Khalila McCoy: So through this whole process of what you've experienced writing your book talking to the people that you've met like either in your group uh grief group or people who've read your book like what do you feel like you've learned the most during this um I think what I've learned the most from all of like from this with the book especially is that I'm not alone um there are there are probably if if you want to put a percentage on it I'd say probably 15 to 20 percent of people are prepared kind of prepared like have wills trust all that stuff the rest aren't like that's a staggering number that you know 80% like that's huge.
1:10:01
Lynn B Stone: That's such a huge number of people that don't have any plans and I think it's just stressed how important this topic actually is and how people like it like no one wants to talk about it but it's interesting if you go to the store like you go to the bookstore and you'll find books like it's like like the I'm dead now what series them like if you I love it.
1:10:27
Lynn B Stone: Yeah and I mean they've got funny like funny little sayings like that and but it's you know I'm dead now what and so like it's it's basically like here's the plan here's all the here's all the stuff um but you know they don't like they it kind of stops there right it stops at you know get all your documents in order you know have your have your wills and trusts and insurance policies and get your documents you know organized and all that stuff but it doesn't talk about the rest and so what I've been validated in really covering the rest of what a relationship is like you know and and trying to capture those areas that we don't think about until we need to you know thinking about what happens with our kids or with you know other people that are in our homes that need care or even like pets or you know like plants because some people are like really special like very very very critical about their their plants you know don't kill my plant.
1:11:31
Lynn B Stone: Right.
1:11:32
Lynn B Stone: You know knowing knowing where the the like knowing how to do the grocery shopping knowing how to start the lawn mower knowing how to cook that that meal that everyone loves you know like all those things like they don't they don't go that far.
1:11:46
Lynn B Stone: So I I'm validated in knowing that I've caught an area of yeah I really liked that yeah that people just don't think about until until they have to again and so yeah it's it's been very it's been a very interesting journey.
1:12:01
Lynn B Stone: Like this last year has been very interesting just talking to different people to see how they what they what their reaction is to the book and the information that's in it.
1:12:13
Khalila McCoy: Now are you writing another book?
1:12:16
Lynn B Stone: I actually want to write I I want to write a series of books.
1:12:19
Lynn B Stone: And so you know of course this is the this is pre-planning this is death right but I also want to write books for the widowed.
1:12:28
Lynn B Stone: I want to write because uh shocker there's really nothing out there for people like whatever they're going through this like their their spouse dies and like what to expect what am I going to have what what's going to happen.
1:12:44
Lynn B Stone: And so I'm right I'm going to be writing those books.
1:12:47
Lynn B Stone: Like I there's I I kind of vision it as three books.
1:12:50
Lynn B Stone: Like the it's gonna be like kind of like the first year like the fog like you're in the fog and what to expect and you know do's and don'ts and then um the second book will be like coming out of the fog.
1:13:02
Lynn B Stone: Like now the fog is clear now you know you're starting to see the ugly reality for what it is and you know here are things that you can expect.
1:13:10
Lynn B Stone: And then the last one is your new normal and like really just that evolution of you know coming out of like your significant grieving.
1:13:21
Lynn B Stone: And you know talking about dating and talking about um you know just moving on and trying to continue with your life because you're still here.
1:13:36
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
1:13:36
Lynn B Stone: You know your your spouse might not be here but you're still here.
1:13:39
Lynn B Stone: You still have a mission to accomplish whatever that is and so that that's my next that's my next one.
1:13:46
Lynn B Stone: Like that those three books are what's coming.
1:13:48
Lynn B Stone: So I'm I'm working on slowly working on getting those drafted and trying to get those ready to go.
1:13:54
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
1:13:55
Khalila McCoy: Well I'm excited for you I think that's great and like I said before I love how it's like everything you've talked about are things you have actually been through so you have that special insight on how it actually feels and what you know coming out of the fog and dating now as well so yeah it's you know it's so weird.
1:14:16
Lynn B Stone: It's it's so weird and it's it and you know it's it's a good thing and like I I'm sure it's algorithm.
1:14:21
Lynn B Stone: I'm sure it's all about the algorithm but I'm starting to see more people being more vocal about their grief journeys.
1:14:30
Lynn B Stone: I see a lot I don't know um if you've ever heard of Crazy Busy Mama uh Lori Conway so she's been she's been an influencer and she does cooking like that's been her cooking and religion and whatever and her husband passed away it's been over a year maybe a year and a half or so and she's really used her platform to really be very vulnerable about her journey and things that she's going through and you know kind of what I was talking about earlier about being ostracized and people not understanding and being so critical um she's been just through it.
1:15:09
Lynn B Stone: I mean I I I've watched it kind of playing out in the comments and you know people they don't they don't know you know they don't understand and and really it's one of those things where you won't understand it until you're going until you go through it yourself.
1:15:22
Lynn B Stone: Right.
1:15:23
Lynn B Stone: Um but I've been seeing more influencers being more open about their journeys and what they're going through and seeing you know seeing life from the other side of things.
1:15:35
Lynn B Stone: And um so that's actually prompted me to do another project um so I'm gonna be I mentioned to you earlier I'm gonna be doing a podcast of my own and I think we're gonna call it the flip side.
1:15:48
Lynn B Stone: Okay.
1:15:48
Lynn B Stone: And so like I'm gonna talk about the death planning and then I'm gonna talk the flip side of you know the widow's the widow journey and what that looks like and how these two things connect so closely and you know what you wish you know talking with the widows and what do you wish that you would have known you know from your spouse like what what do you wish they told you?
1:16:10
Lynn B Stone: And so I'd actually ask that question to my um to the widow groups that I was in like what is one thing that you wish that your spouse would have told you or that you wish you would have known and there's and I I actually talk about it in the book there's always this random box of keys sitting around you have to ask your husband about like there's like these random keys just sitting around and what do they go to um so I talk about you know getting them organized and you know getting one of those key organizer things that tells us what the keys are for.
1:16:43
Khalila McCoy: Right.
1:16:44
Lynn B Stone: You know just like those little things.
1:16:45
Lynn B Stone: So that's kind of the next that's the next thing for me I think I'm gonna kind of get into that space and really kind of have those kind of conversations about just the pre and post of death.
1:16:57
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
1:16:57
Lynn B Stone: Because no one wants to talk about it so I might as well talk about it.
1:17:00
Lynn B Stone: But we all experience it right yeah so you do we do you know I kind of I I kind of say this it's kind of we it comes off sounding weird but sometimes it's bear with me for a second because it's like you know if you don't get to experience death like if you're like if maybe you're the lucky one and you go first.
1:17:24
Lynn B Stone: Like you know what I mean like that's kind of like we all we all experience in some way like parents, siblings, grandparents, like family but family death friend death is so much different than spouse death.
1:17:38
Lynn B Stone: Even children child death is different than spouse death because your spouse is your partner.
1:17:44
Lynn B Stone: Your spouse is the one that you live with that you do everything with that you know like this is the person that you've chosen to love.
1:17:51
Lynn B Stone: And when they leave whenever that whenever they die like you are like you are half of you is missing now.
1:18:01
Lynn B Stone: Right.
1:18:02
Lynn B Stone: And so you have to recreate yourself and you know again like parents your siblings your children like all all those deaths are a different connection right absolutely absolutely so that's why I say like you might be the lucky one and that you don't have to go through the the grief journey that others have because it's it's very difficult.
1:18:25
Lynn B Stone: A lot of I mean some people there are some people who have committed suicide because of it because they couldn't deal with it.
1:18:31
Lynn B Stone: They couldn't they couldn't deal with life without their partner um yeah some people just really like go into great into deep depressions over it.
1:18:41
Lynn B Stone: They just can't get themselves out of bed.
1:18:43
Lynn B Stone: They can't you know don't have a reason to live even like I you know I still I still kind of linger on those pages a little bit just to kind of see what people are saying.
1:18:52
Lynn B Stone: And um you know I see like new widows getting on there and talking about how you know they've got it they've got children but they don't like they just like I don't want to be here anymore.
1:19:04
Lynn B Stone: I'm done.
1:19:05
Lynn B Stone: You know and it's so it's it's heartbreaking because like you know being so far out it's so much easier to like kind of see like you know there's there is there is space there is there is grace that's there for you.
1:19:19
Lynn B Stone: Like you just have to work through it.
1:19:20
Lynn B Stone: You have to come through it.
1:19:22
Lynn B Stone: Right.
1:19:22
Lynn B Stone: And you know like it just acknowledging that it it it will eventually get better.
1:19:28
Lynn B Stone: I mean better again that that's probably not the best word but it does you know things kind of imp improve a little bit like it won't ever be the same.
1:19:38
Khalila McCoy: From your experience and the people you've talked to what do you think is the difference for the people who can keep moving forward and the people who get stuck um I think it's mentality I think a lot of it's mentality um I know for myself because it I very easily could have gotten stuck but my daughter was relying on me.
1:20:03
Lynn B Stone: Okay and I had kind of adopted a mantra of failure's not an option like it was just me and her and we had to keep going we had to we had to push through whatever obstacles we had.
1:20:15
Lynn B Stone: So I do think that it's a lot of like your attitude towards things.
1:20:20
Lynn B Stone: Yeah um you know I think some people really just struggle with being able to see beyond certain situations like sometimes like this is it this is all they can see they can't you know like they can't see the forest through the trees right they just this is it this is all they can see and I think for some people that's just so overwhelming that they just get so stuck there and that's that's just it.
1:20:44
Lynn B Stone: They can't get any further and I mean people try and try to help them try to give them encouragement try to you know say look you know we know we understand we know it's just you just gotta you just gotta hang in there.
1:20:55
Lynn B Stone: And you know one of the things is you know minute by minute second by second sometimes you just have to live life second by second and you know in the in the heat of it like whenever it first happens that's exactly what it is like you're you feel like you're like you're in a fog but you just feel like this like you just feel this immense just crushing pain of like you're just completely broken.
1:21:21
Lynn B Stone: And so like you're piecing piecing your your heart back together.
1:21:25
Lynn B Stone: Like this like if you can it's very figurative right like in your imagination like you're piecing like all these little pieces of your heart back together.
1:21:31
Lynn B Stone: And eventually it comes back but it's not it's all like cracked right like you got all these marks.
1:21:36
Lynn B Stone: So it's never happy.
1:21:37
Lynn B Stone: Exactly.
1:21:38
Lynn B Stone: Yeah exactly so but it's you know it is doable.
1:21:42
Lynn B Stone: They don't you don't ever forget them.
1:21:44
Lynn B Stone: But the the pain subsides as it you kind of get numb to it if that makes sense.
1:21:51
Lynn B Stone: Like you just kinda like it's there but it's not like always at the forefront of your mind because life continues.
1:21:58
Lynn B Stone: Life goes on and you just keep keep moving on.
1:22:02
Lynn B Stone: So that's hard.
1:22:04
Lynn B Stone: Not everyone can not everyone can adopt that thought process.
1:22:09
Lynn B Stone: Right.
1:22:10
Lynn B Stone: You know and but I think for those who have moved on who and moved on is not let's move forward.
1:22:18
Lynn B Stone: Yeah I say moving on isn't exactly right but moving forward I think would be fair um you know continuing forward because that's that's the way we're going.
1:22:26
Lynn B Stone: We you can't go back.
1:22:27
Khalila McCoy: We are going forward whether you know that's a good point.
1:22:30
Lynn B Stone: Whether you want to or not you know and that's you know once the fog clears you know once it feels like you're standing still everyone's racing around you and you're you're in the race right you're going with everyone else you kind of just get wrapped up in your life again.
1:22:45
Lynn B Stone: But there are moments that bring you like that will bring you back and you'll you know again special days um special places um just things like sp for uh for me certain songs will take was like will stop me.
1:23:02
Lynn B Stone: Um so it just it depends on the person and and the relationship I mean I you know you mentioned it earlier I'm very blessed that the relationship I had was a good one because there are a lot of people that are you have complicated grief because they were in the in in the middle of divorce procedures or what seems to be a really common thing is they their spouse passes away and then they find that find out that they were uh cheating on them.
1:23:30
Lynn B Stone: Oh no so I mean like all this I can imagine dealing with that alone.
1:23:35
Lynn B Stone: Oh yeah yeah so like the the complicated grief that comes up is like you you feel so sad and then like this happens you find this information out and then like you feel completely betrayed.
1:23:45
Lynn B Stone: You can't ask them you know so it's like you know it's like how do you grieve that person that you thought you knew but now you're finding out there's somebody different like that's a whole nother layer yeah that's that's a really good candidate for therapy yes and counseling because that's going to take a professional to help you uh that but I mean it's it's very interesting the you know some of the stories that people share of like just what they've experienced and and s some of it's really heartbreaking and you know some of it's you know heartwarming and yeah you just kind of you I like this community because we're all there for the same reason.
1:24:25
Lynn B Stone: Yeah yeah we didn't all get there the same way you know some some were you know had a little bit longer some are really short and you know you've and then you've got the identity thing.
1:24:36
Lynn B Stone: You know most of us were married.
1:24:38
Lynn B Stone: Some people weren't yeah some were just engaged and or you know like you hear about those ones that were engaged preparing to get married and then the groom dies or the sp the the bride dies like a day or two or the day of I mean we've seen those on the we've seen those on the news where you know like they got married and then I think there was like a golf cart accident or something.
1:24:59
Lynn B Stone: The golf cart flipped and killed killed the bride or something like that.
1:25:04
Lynn B Stone: Um yeah I mean it's like so it happens.
1:25:07
Lynn B Stone: We hear about it it's like sensationalized and then it goes away with with you know Facebook and social media just kind of it's a blip and then it goes so I mean I think that's probably one of the hardest things about being a widow is this person was our whole world and they're gone and everyone forgets them but you.
1:25:32
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
1:25:34
Lynn B Stone: So anniversaries like no one cares about your anniversary except for you.
1:25:39
Khalila McCoy: Mm-hmm.
1:25:40
Lynn B Stone: Yeah the people that were in your wedding party they might remember they might say something but for the most part they don't care the only ones that care are you and your spouse and when they're gone then it's just you it's just you and you know I see so many people getting so upset because well they didn't remember my anniversary it's like it wasn't really theirs to remember it was yours.
1:26:03
Lynn B Stone: That was something special you had with your spouse and like I know my parents' anniversary but that's just because I know like the profound love that they have for each other and how they celebrate but it's not everyone's like that.
1:26:17
Lynn B Stone: And so but I I mean even for myself like I have it on my calendar like I mean I I would never forget it but it's on my calendar just as like that little act of memory but I've stopped expecting people to remember these important dates because the only ones that are impacted are me kind of like the day that he died.
1:26:37
Lynn B Stone: Like that date's forever engraved in my memory and for his kids and for his family like his parents and his siblings but other than that that's it.
1:26:48
Lynn B Stone: No one else I mean maybe his close friends but other than that it's just a blip.
1:26:54
Lynn B Stone: It's just a social media post that just kind of goes by the wayside.
1:26:57
Lynn B Stone: Right.
1:26:57
Lynn B Stone: And so I think that's probably one of the most painful things about being a widow that like just the fact that people forget.
1:27:04
Lynn B Stone: They go on about their lives and forget about this wonderful person who at one point meant so much to them and now doesn't.
1:27:14
Lynn B Stone: So it's you know it's kind of a bittersweet thing but um you know that's you know as a widow you know like that's our job now is to keep their memory alive for the for us for the kids for the family you know and I I put stuff out like I'll you know memories or whatever I'll post and um you know sometimes I'm like oh yeah we're thinking about you we're praying for you it's like okay maybe or maybe because I just said it like you know you feel guilty because you didn't remember until something now yeah right right so it's like you know I mean I get it like the the intent the sentiment like I get it but it's like I I didn't post it for that I posted it to share because he was important Keeping his memory alive.
1:28:01
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
1:28:01
Lynn B Stone: Yep.
1:28:02
Lynn B Stone: So it's funny.
1:28:04
Lynn B Stone: It's a funny world we live in.
1:28:06
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
1:28:07
Khalila McCoy: So thinking about here we've heard your story, we've talked a little bit about your book.
1:28:13
Khalila McCoy: Um, what would be the big takeaway that you would want our listeners, especially those who haven't gone through what you're going through, what would be the big takeaway for them?
1:28:24
Lynn B Stone: I think the big takeaway is to get prepared, to go ahead and start having those kind of conversations.
1:28:35
Lynn B Stone: Start um really thinking about what you want, what your wishes are, um, starting to have just the conversation.
1:28:45
Lynn B Stone: And it doesn't have to be anything um super elaborate or formal or anything like that.
1:28:53
Lynn B Stone: It can be, well, you know, I was thinking about I saw an article about how people can, you know, now be turned into mulch.
1:29:02
Lynn B Stone: They if they have their bodies turned into mulch.
1:29:05
Lynn B Stone: That's an interesting thing.
1:29:07
Lynn B Stone: Like, I don't know if I really want that.
1:29:08
Lynn B Stone: I think I, you know, and that you're like that can be your segue into right.
1:29:12
Lynn B Stone: Oh, I'm thinking about being cremated or you know, maybe being buried and you know, being buried here or whatever.
1:29:18
Lynn B Stone: So like just really like being intentional and having those conversations with your loved ones, like with your spouses, um, with your kids, if you're older and you have adult children, like talking through what your plans are, what your wishes are.
1:29:32
Lynn B Stone: Um, another thing that I would like for people to really start grabbing onto is making your plans for your voice today.
1:29:41
Lynn B Stone: And that means like making like doing your um making sure you have a power of attorney established, um, doing your advanced directive, which is uh either that or like the five wishes, if you've ever heard of that.
1:29:54
Lynn B Stone: It's not applicable in all states, so you have to check that out.
1:29:57
Lynn B Stone: But basically, it's these are my medical wishes, this is how I want to be treated.
1:30:01
Lynn B Stone: This is the so you hear people talking about how they want to they don't want to be a vegetable.
1:30:05
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
1:30:06
Lynn B Stone: Yeah, like that kind of stuff.
1:30:08
Lynn B Stone: Like you would say that, like this is the kind of care I want.
1:30:10
Lynn B Stone: If you have a do not resuscitate order, you would put it in there.
1:30:14
Lynn B Stone: Um, like all your wishes for how you want to be treated.
1:30:17
Lynn B Stone: Because I look at it that as your voice when you can't use yours.
1:30:20
Lynn B Stone: Right.
1:30:20
Lynn B Stone: You're incapacitated if you're on a ventilator, if you've had a stroke, if you are in a medical coma, whatever.
1:30:27
Lynn B Stone: Um, this is your voice, and you are your power of attorney is the one that's acting on your behalf to make your wishes known.
1:30:34
Lynn B Stone: Um so getting those things done now, that way that way it's already established.
1:30:40
Lynn B Stone: Um, you can go online, you can go on like legal legalzoom.com or something like that to get the forms.
1:30:46
Lynn B Stone: You can go to an attorney, an estate planning attorney, and have a small fee to get those papers drawn up.
1:30:52
Lynn B Stone: Um, I will also stress that if you go through the the steps of getting the papers drawn up, make sure that you get them signed and make sure that you get them distributed.
1:31:01
Lynn B Stone: So they don't do you any good if they're sitting in your fire safe at home and you need someone else to act on your behalf.
1:31:07
Lynn B Stone: Um so make sure that those people have your documents.
1:31:10
Lynn B Stone: Um but yeah, I mean get started.
1:31:13
Lynn B Stone: And it baby steps, it doesn't have to you don't have to do it all in one day, but start having those conversations and start planning and just start moving that direction because once you once you once you've done with it, you're like it's yes, off and shoulders have to think about it.
1:31:30
Khalila McCoy: Yes.
1:31:30
Lynn B Stone: Well that's right, like it's I'm I'm good, I gotta figure it out, and then you'll go back and you'll just review you know, you'll go over it like a year or two later just to make sure it's still valid, and you know, as long as you didn't have a fallen out with this family member and you know that family member's still alive and whatever.
1:31:44
Lynn B Stone: Like you can make minor updates as yeah, as you need to, but you know, once it's done, like that's just one less thing you have to worry about, and then you can go and enjoy your life, and all the plans are made and all is well.
1:31:57
Khalila McCoy: So well, Lynn, I want to thank you for your time and for sharing your book, your story with us, and I have homework to do to start my planning.
1:32:10
Khalila McCoy: Um, I really am going to like sit down and go through these things because it is really important.
1:32:15
Khalila McCoy: Um, and I'm excited to hear about all the things that you do moving forward, your book, and you'll definitely have to let me know when your podcast comes out and we'll advertise that here too.
1:32:27
Khalila McCoy: Um thank you.
1:32:29
Khalila McCoy: You know, I'll have a lot of different listeners and they might need that as well.
1:32:32
Khalila McCoy: So um I'm happy to support what you're doing.
1:32:37
Khalila McCoy: So yeah, keep me informed.
1:32:39
Khalila McCoy: Um anything else you would like to share before we head off today.
1:32:45
Lynn B Stone: I you know what, I think I've I've done a really good job at filling up this hour and a half with you of talking.
1:32:51
Khalila McCoy: You've done an amazing job.
1:32:52
Khalila McCoy: I still have like so many more questions too, but I was like, okay, maybe maybe we'll have to have you on again at another time because round two has been really interesting.
1:33:01
Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
1:33:01
Lynn B Stone: Yeah.
1:33:02
Lynn B Stone: But the only other thing I'd say is that I I have a website.
1:33:06
Lynn B Stone: Uh it's www.authorlinbstone.com.
1:33:11
Lynn B Stone: It's all together, mushed together.
1:33:13
Lynn B Stone: Um, but on that website, it's not there yet.
1:33:16
Lynn B Stone: I'm finalizing it now, but there will be a link to a vulnerability assessment.
1:33:22
Lynn B Stone: So, and that's really for people that um like it's for married couples to kind of assess how they are as far as their their planning.
1:33:31
Lynn B Stone: They're like looking at like different stages of their like different, there's like seven different areas um that I look at, and like you're kind of assessing where you are to determine your risk level for vulnerability for whether if something happens to you, will they will your partner be able to stay sustain?
1:33:50
Lynn B Stone: Will they be okay without you?
1:33:52
Lynn B Stone: So that's really what it's for.
1:33:53
Lynn B Stone: I'm still fleshing it out, so it'll be out there.
1:33:55
Lynn B Stone: I'm also on Facebook, um, author Lynn B.
1:33:58
Lynn B Stone: Stone.
1:33:59
Lynn B Stone: I also encourage anyone if you're interested in we've talked a lot about the book.
1:34:04
Lynn B Stone: Uh it's on Amazon, it's also on Kindle, uh, Till Death Do Us Part, a practical guide to preparing for the inevitable.
1:34:11
Lynn B Stone: And it's got a picture of a casket with a flower spray on top of it.
1:34:15
Khalila McCoy: Yeah, I actually really like your your cover.
1:34:17
Khalila McCoy: Like the back, like the marbling looking thing.
1:34:20
Khalila McCoy: Yeah, very beautiful book.
1:34:23
Lynn B Stone: Thank you.
1:34:24
Lynn B Stone: I appreciate that.
1:34:24
Lynn B Stone: You know, I was I honestly was a little torn about the casket or not, but I think it it does it does well for what it is.
1:34:30
Lynn B Stone: It's very practical, just like the guide.
1:34:32
Lynn B Stone: Yes.
1:34:33
Lynn B Stone: Um, but I just thank you so much for having me on your show.
1:34:37
Lynn B Stone: Thank you to the listeners that are here.
1:34:40
Lynn B Stone: Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or have any, you know, I'm on I'm on social.
1:34:44
Lynn B Stone: Feel free to send me a message there on uh on Facebook um or on my website.
1:34:49
Lynn B Stone: Again, I have an email address through there.
1:34:51
Lynn B Stone: You can reach out to me, or of course reach out to Khalila, and I'm sure she can back in touch with me if we have if we need to have round two.
1:34:58
Lynn B Stone: Oh, I think we will.
1:34:59
Lynn B Stone: I'm fine with it, just let me know when.
1:35:02
Lynn B Stone: So, but thank you.
1:35:05
Khalila McCoy: Yeah, thank you so much.
1:35:06
Khalila McCoy: You're welcome.
1:35:08
Khalila McCoy: I had such a great time talking to Len.
1:35:15
Khalila McCoy: I really appreciated her honesty around such a heartbreaking topic.
1:35:19
Khalila McCoy: Even though she has done so much work to navigate the hurt and pain of losing her husband, you can still hear the tenderness in her voice when she speaks about certain memories.
1:35:28
Khalila McCoy: And yet she chooses to share her story so others don't feel alone and to offer wisdom about preparing for the inevitable.
1:35:37
Khalila McCoy: It's been a few months since we recorded, and I have been slowly working through the things that Lynn discussed in our conversation and in her book.
1:35:45
Khalila McCoy: It has sparked some interesting and meaningful conversations with my husband, and it's helped me reorganize a few things in my life.
1:35:52
Khalila McCoy: I still have a lot more to do, but there's a real peace of mind knowing that the people I love won't have the added stress when my time comes.
1:36:02
Khalila McCoy: And speaking of having a lot to do, Lynn has been busy, y'all.
1:36:08
Khalila McCoy: We caught up this week, and she shared with me all the things she's been doing these past few months.
1:36:13
Khalila McCoy: One of the things is she launched her podcast she talked to us about.
1:36:18
Khalila McCoy: It's called The Flip Side of Death, and it's now available on all major podcast platforms.
1:36:23
Khalila McCoy: Right now, she's sharing fundamental information that she soon plans to interview experts on preparation and planning, as well as widows and widowers who have turned their tragedy into something meaningful for others.
1:36:36
Khalila McCoy: I recommend that you check it out.
1:36:38
Khalila McCoy: I have already listened to the first three episodes, and it is very good.
1:36:42
Khalila McCoy: You can also connect with Lynn on her website and social media.
1:36:46
Khalila McCoy: Everything will be linked in the show notes.
1:36:48
Khalila McCoy: And be sure to watch for updates on her Death Doesn't Wait workshop coming this June, 2026, featuring experts like an estate planning attorney, a life insurance agent, a funeral planner, and more.
1:37:01
Khalila McCoy: Well, that's a wrap on episode 12.
1:37:04
Khalila McCoy: Thank you for listening.
1:37:06
Khalila McCoy: I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and find joy in every moment you are still here.
1:37:11
Khalila McCoy: So love on the people closest to you and take time to show kindness to those you might not know quite as well.
1:37:18
Khalila McCoy: I'll meet you back here next time.
1:37:20
Khalila McCoy: See ya bye.