Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / From Awkward to Awesome: How to Talk About Anything With Your Kids

Transcript

From Awkward to Awesome: How to Talk About Anything With Your Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: A few months ago on Parental Guidance channel nines hit
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: TV show, I made a comment that seems to have
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: captured a lot of people's imagination, and really, I don't know.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: It feels really good when as a parent you feel
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: like you can connect with and even share important things
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: with your kids. So I shared on Parental Guidance that
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: every Sunday or most Sundays in our family, listen down
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: with the kids for fifteen minutes or thereabouts and have
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: tricky talks. We talk about tough conversations, the things that
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: really really things that kids might struggle with, so that
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: we can help them to have a dry run. They
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: can have a bit of a practice as they work
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: out how to navigate life today. Our tricky question from
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: one of our Happy Families podcast listeners is about how
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: to have these conversations with your kids, especially when the
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: kids are little. That's coming up. Stay with us. Hello,
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solution, Every
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: single day on Australia's most downloaded parenty podcast. We are
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson. Every Tuesday on the pod, we
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: give you a chance to ask your tricky questions whatever
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: it is that you would like to know about Happy
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Families dot com dot A. You scroll down to submit
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: your tricky question about discipline, or screens, or family life, generally, relationships,
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: whatever it is. Ask us literally anything and we'll talk.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: We love to talk about stuff. Happy families dot com
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: dot You just scrolled down to where it says podcasts
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: super simple system. You literally press the record button and
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: start talking. Or you can email us podcasts at happy
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot you podcasts with an s at
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you send us a voice
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: note and we'll answer your question there. Kylie. Today we've
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: got a question from Alana and this is what she
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: wanted to know.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: My name Zalada from the Gold Coast. Just wondering if
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: you could help us out with some suggestions for your
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: tough questions to ask with our children. Want to incorporate
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: what you've talked about by talking about tough questions, but
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: just wondering where to start and some examples of those questions.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: We've got two girls age five and seven, daks.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, Alanna, we really appreciate that you want to have
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: these discussions with your kids, Kylie. We were not having
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: these conversations with our five and seven year olds because
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: we just weren't onto it that way. I mean, I
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: guess in a kind of a way we were, but
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: not the way that we talk about it here on
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: the podcasting, in my books and things.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: Well, the reality is with family life, everything morphs with time,
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: with age, with experience. And so while we weren't having
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: tricky conversations, we've always had a framework around how we
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: spend time with our children in intentional instruction.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So the background of that is we've always been
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: open about this. We have a church background, and we
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: got a church most Sundays, and our religion, our religious organization,
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: about one hundred and something years ago now instituted this
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: thing that they called Family Home Evening. And the idea
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: of family Home Evening was parents the primary socializer of
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: their kids. Parents are responsible for moral instruction and training
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: for their kids. And so they said, one night a week,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: we want parents, whether you're on your own or whether
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: you've got mum and dad both available, we want parents
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: to sit down with their kids, have some activities, have
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: some fun, have some laughter, have a treat, and do
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: some I mean we would have called it gospel instruction, right,
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: do some conversation around questions that have moral or faith implications,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: and teach the kids the stuff that you really think
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: that they need to know. And we've just allowed that
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: to morph over time. We still do the religious instruction,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: but we don't talk about that on the podcast so much. Instead,
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: these tough talks, while sometimes they have a religious foundation,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: quite often the stuff that our kids are dealing with,
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: it's just it's stuff that kids are dealing with.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: And the conversations get trickier as they get older.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, they do.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: And the reason they're tricky is because they're the conversations
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: that usually make us squirm a little bit. It's hard
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: enough having a conversation about sex with another adult, but
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: then you're having it with your twelve year old daughter
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: or your fourteen year old son. Those kinds of conversations
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: leave us feeling a little bit, i don't know.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Squirmish sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, And so let's get into this
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: a little bit more. The first thing that I would say,
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: especially if you've got younger kids, let's say five, six, seven,
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: eight years of age something like that, I don't think
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: that you well, I was going to say, you don't
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: need to have them that often, but I recognize I'm
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: changing my mind. You do you want to have them
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: every week to establish the pattern that's exactly right and
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: let the kids know that there is no topic that's
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: out of bounds. There's no topic that you can't bring up.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: We're really happy to talk about anything at all.
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: And if this is something that's new and you have
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: young children, then I'd have crazy conversations with them. I'd have,
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: you know, like, would you rather conversations where you're kind
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: of just stretching their thought process, their curiosity and kind
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: of helping them to recognize that nothing's off limit, that
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: we can have these conversations and have fun with them.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: They don't have to be scared or it doesn't actually
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: have to feel like a tricky question because they're so
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: used to having kind of curly, wirly questions talked about
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: at the dinner table.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: In my book, Relationship Rules, and yes, this is a
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: blatant plug for the book, because part two of the
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: book is what are some things that you can talk about?
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: And I just want to run through a couple of
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: these because I think they're really really instructive that highlights
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: that it doesn't always have to be a tough or
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: a tricky conversation or talk. It can be just a
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: conversation that's relationship building. So listen to what they're looking
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: forward to. You might listen to what they're grateful for.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: You could listen to what made them happy today. You
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: could learn about the kind of business they'd love to start.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: You could listen to answers to hypotheticals that you invent.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: And here are three that I've thrown into the book
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: just for fun. You find a book and begin to read,
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: only to discover that it is your life. You get
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: to the point that you are at now do you
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: turn the page knowing that you will not be able
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: to change the events to second one? Would you rather
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: get uglier or dumber? I thought that was funny. You're
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: not laughing, or you could reverse it. Would you rather
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: get more attractive or smarter? You're thinking about your answer
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: right now?
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: No, I'm thinking about the question. Emily actually just asked
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: me the other day. Emily's eleven, and she asked me
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: if I would rather have all my teeth pulled or
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: all my fingernails pulled?
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Okay, what's your answer, my aunt? What did you say?
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: My fingernails?
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I'd rather lose my fingernails. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure,
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: for sure. What would you do if you discovered you
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: only had twenty four hours to live?
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: And let's face it, Elana, we're probably making this a
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: little bit harder on ourselves than we need to. We're
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: having conversations with our kids all the time, and I'm
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: sure that your kids are no different to any other kids.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: They're asking you tricky questions all the time.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they bring stuff up. And so, I mean the
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: one that I always talk about in my presentations and
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: things is the day that our fourteen year old daughter said, Dad,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: what's an STI? And I said, hey, let's talk about
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: that on Sunday, because we've got two minutes in the
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: car where I can give you a short and generally
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: unhelped lanzer. Or we've got fifteen minutes on Sunday where
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: we all come together and we discuss it. Now, obviously
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: you're not going to have that conversation with you five
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: to seven year old, but your five to seven year
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: old is unlikely to say, hey, Mum, what's an STI?
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: So she'll ask you something else.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: There'll be something that will come up. Yeah, So after
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: the break, what I want to do is just highlight
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: a bunch of topics that you could discuss and that
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: will lead to a whole bunch more. And the more
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: you do it, the more you start noticing topics that's next,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: the topics to talk to your five to seven, five
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: to ten year olds about when it comes to tough
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: talks and tricky conversations. On The Happy Famili's podcast today,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: we're talking about how to have tough talks and tricky
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: conversations with younger kids. What discussions are up for conversation?
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Which things do you want to leave alone? Kylie, here's
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: my list. I'm going to work through it and you
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: tell me if there's anything that you would add. I thought,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: first off, friendship stuff. I mean, kids come home every
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: day talking about something that happened to friendship. Isn't good?
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Is it bad? What would you do differently in fact,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: relationships generally?
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I was just thinking about that as you were
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: talking about relationships and the idea that our kids often
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: come home and tell us about things that they saw
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: on the playground that aren't even related to their friends. Right,
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: They've seen something happen, They've seen a kid be bullied,
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: or they've seen you know, someone being mistreated and they're
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: trying to understand the world.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: How should we live? How do we respond to this?
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: What's the right thing to do here? What's the wrong
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: thing to do here? What are you seeing happening? What
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: are other people saying? Like these conversations really do take
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: on and explore, explain in power format, where you say and.
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: What would you do if it was you? Yeah, what
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: would you do if you were in the same group.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Or you just want to know what their perspective is
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: all the way through, whether you were adding a little
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: bit of guidance or asking permission. Hey, I've got an idea,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: mind if I share that with you? What do you
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: think about this? That's kind of where we're going. So
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: first on my list is friendships, bullying, all sorts of
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: relationships stuff. You might even bring in siblings or grandparents,
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: anything that has to do with relationships. You're going to
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: get a fifteen minute conversation without trying.
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: I can't count how many times we might have had
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: conversations around kindness, right and right, unconditional love, and so again.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: My relationship rules books, there are eighty five relationship rules.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: You could literally just do a different rule every week
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: and that would I mean, that would give your kids
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: a PhD and how to have healthy relationships. It would
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: be great as a family discussion. We should do that ourselves,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: calling that that I think about it. The next one screens.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: What's happening on screens? What's everyone doing on screens? You
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: can talk about gaming, you can talk about social media.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: I mean, hopefully not with five to seven year olds,
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: but kids are on screens. They're seeing stuff, whether it's
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: on YouTube, whether it's on a social media platform. I
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: don't want to we call it social media anymore. Do
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: you know Facebook recently had to front up to court
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: because of well they're always in court, and they're arguing
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: now that they're not a social media company because more
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: than eighty percent, in fact, as much as ninety percent
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: of content that occurs on Facebook is people who don't
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: know each other viewing or sharing content with other people
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: that they don't know. So less than ten to fifteen
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: percent of what happens on Facebook now on meta platforms
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: is actually people who know each other talking to one another.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: I thought that was an astonishing thing. Anyway, screens, I
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: reckon body safety would be something that you could talk about.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: Staying safe.
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: I was just thinking about your screen's conversation, and I
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: think it would actually be really curious to ask you
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: five and seven year old what they notice when they're
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: in a room with people.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, including you. Yeah yeah, little self assessment. Like I said,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: body safety. There's so many things that you can talk
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: about in terms of staying safe in different situations and
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: how do you navigate that and what to do when
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: you're at the park or are their trick adults who
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: ask for kids' help? What's the deal there. I've also
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: made some notes. You can have conversations about honesty, you
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: can have conversations about integrity, you can have conversations about
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: what big kids do. You can have conversations about I mean,
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: even in grade five there's boyfriend and girlfriend's stuff. If
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: they're older, you start to have long, more detailed conversation.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: If they're younger, you have shorter discussions, and you're just
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: exploring their perspective, explaining a couple of things, and then
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: getting them to come up with their own ideas. We
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: need to wrap it up. That's kind of everything that
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: I had on my list to get you started. Alana, Kylie,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: you're looking at me longingly like you want to add
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: one more thing.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: I remember one of the most trickius conversations we ever
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: had with our children. Yeah, was not long after you
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: published your first book, What Your Child Needs from You Ah,
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: And you had a set of questions in there, or
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: statements that you could answer kind of mentally on your own,
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: but from your child's perspective. Yeah.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, would my child say yes or no to this question?
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: And I read it and I was like, I don't
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: want to guess what they'd say. I want to know
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: what they'd say.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: So we had a very first parent performance appraisal where
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: the kids literally told us what's really going on.
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: They were some of the trickiest conversations I've ever had
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: with them. Three year olds telling me the things that
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: I wasn't quite getting right, but in such a loving
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: way and with so much forgiveness and unconditional love. But
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: you want to start a conversation that's going to stretch everybody.
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: Ask your kids if they feel like you love them,
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: and how do they know that you love them? Ask
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: them if we remember things that are important to them,
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: and can they tell you of a time where you've
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: done that. Things about whether or not they feel like
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: we're interested in them and the things that they're doing.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: What page number is it on on page eight? Okay, well,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: while I'm shamelessly plugging relationship rules, let's also shamelessly plug
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: what your child needs from you. They're both available at
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: Happy famlies dot com dot you, and they will create really,
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: really meaningful and important conversations with the kids.
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: It was the first time we'd had a pretty big
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: uppercut from our kids. They really beautifully told and worded,
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: but just showed us where we were lacking.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: Alana, We really really hope that this has been a
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: helpful conversation to get those tricky talks going with you
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: and your kids. Thanks so much for submitting your question.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: If you would like to submit a tricky question, just
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: go to Happy Families dot com dot you, click the button,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: start talking and we will get your voice message. Otherwise,
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: send us a voice note to podcasts at happy families
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au. The Happy Families podcast is produced
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: by Justin Rowland from Bridge Mediamhammond's provides research and other
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: support and if you think your family could be happier
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: from this conversation, please share the chat with them, but
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: also with other people that you think might benefit from
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: it when you share the pod, when more people get
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: to hear it, and we get to help more families,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: which is what our currency is. If you would like
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: more information and resources to help your family be happier,
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: visitors at happy families dot com dot au