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Mom Anxiety · The Connected Mom

• 0:00
  Welcome to The Connected Mom Podcast, where we have conversations about connecting more deeply with God, more empathically with other moms, and more intentionally with your child. Hello. I'm Becky Harling, and I'm your host for the Connected Mom Podcast. And today I have with me my incredible co host, Sarah Wildman. Hi, Sarah.
• 0:26
  Hi, Becky. So good to be here today. We're going to have a conversation today about anxiety. Now, anxiety disorders are the most common I didn't know this before today. And pervasive mental disorder in the United States. An estimated 264,000,000 people worldwide have an anxiety disorder, and women are nearly twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in their lifetime. So it's a really big deal for moms and for all of us, but especially moms. Between worries about the war, school shootings, strange diseases oh, my goodness. Coupled with work pressures, financial pressures, stress, some of us are just like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any given moment. Wow. Becky there you go.
• 1:21
  Yeah, it's a real thing there. And I feel like since the pandemic, anxiety, depression, and fear have risen in huge numbers. And so, because we want to talk about real things, we want to have this conversation today. And I've got to say, I'm an expert on anxiety.
• 1:43
  An expert?
• 1:44
  Yeah.
• 1:45
  Wow.
• 1:45
  Not because I've written a book on anxiety, not because I have a degree in anxiety, not because I have a degree in counseling to deal with anxiety, but because I've wrestled with it my entire life. And so along the way, I've had to learn patterns of behavior that are detrimental, and I've had to learn how to put practices in place that have helped me overcome the anxiety I was feeling. And so that's what we want to talk about today, because I'm guessing you out there, our listeners have dealt with your own fair share of anxiety as a kid. Sarah, I'm pretty sure I was a neurotic little kid. Right.
• 2:30
  Why do you say that?
• 2:31
  Well, I kind of worried about everything. I worried that my friends didn't love Jesus. They were going to go to hell. And I often told them that because I was so worried about them, which didn't go that big with their parents. I worried that my family would die and I would be left alone. Back when the Cuban Missile Crisis was a thing, I was in maybe like kindergarten or first grade, and we used to have these air raid drills where they would tell you to crawl under your desk. And as a little six year old, I remember thinking, this is the dumbest idea ever, because if we get bombed, the desk is going to fall on my head. Forget the bomb. It really didn't make any sense.
• 3:17
  Right.
• 3:17
  So I worried about that. And then as an adult, my anxiety, I kind of just took it along with me. And when I became a parent, a mama. I just remember my anxiety going off the charts. I didn't know the best practices for raising kids. I grew up in a really dysfunctional home. So I worried a lot about, am I doing this right? Am I doing it wrong? How do I do this? And for part of the time, we were living in Sudan, which was a war torn country at the time.
• 3:51
  Yes. And how many kids did you have in Sudan with you? All four.
• 3:57
  We brought one with us as she was like, ten months old when we moved there. And then we had our son there. We would lay in bed at night and hear news reports from BBC News that bombs were going off in our city, that there was another attempted to. And while we were there, they put Sharia law in place, which is the strictest form of Muslim law. And so there was just a lot to be anxious about. Whenever your kids got sick, you were like, is it malaria? Is it some strange virus? There was just a lot to worry about.
• 4:33
  Wow. No kidding. Well, and it's all grounded in real stuff, right? You're listening to these missiles overnight. It's hard to be like, oh, it's fine. I mean, everything's very normal. So you had those real things, I think also you had that experience with the diagnosis, a very real diagnosis in your life. Do you mind sharing about that?
• 4:57
  Uh, not at all. So then along the journey, after we had four kids, and I just hit 40, or, um, just a little bit beyond that, and we were still very much in the thick of raising kids. I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and at that time, a mentor of mine suggested challenged me to praise God intentionally every day for five days. And I just remember thinking, sarah, this is the most ridiculous challenge I've ever heard. I mean, I hardly felt like jumping up and down saying, hallelujah, I'm going to lose both the sisters in a week. I was headed for a double mastectomy. That's not something that you cheer for. Right. But her suggestion actually ended up changing my life. And I want to talk about that today because I think for a lot of us, we feel guilty about our anxiety. Like, I don't know about you. Yes.
• 5:57
  There's some shame up there.
• 5:59
  Yeah. And even in my early adulthood, I can't tell you how many sermons I heard about how we weren't supposed to worry and anxiety was a problem. And it was almost as if anxiety was a sin. And so then I was worried that on top of my worry, I was worried that I was sinning. And guilt really wasn't helping me. I needed a plan.
• 6:28
  Mhm.
• 6:28
  I needed a plan to help me in the moments of panic, to overcome that panic and to calm my anxiety.
• 6:37
  No kidding. So what were those things that you did? What was the plan that got you through that?
• 6:44
  Well, it kind of came out of the Psalms. And that challenge from my mentor. Let me start with the Psalms, because in college I fell in love with the psalmist. And as I was reading the psalmist, psalm 90 419, david writes, when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. And I remember thinking, I have found my people, my people who get me this promise, right? They had all kinds of feelings. Mean, sometimes they wanted to throw their hands up in the air and dance and praise God that way. Sometimes they have their faith in the dirt and they were angry and they were praying, break their teeth, oh, God. At other times they were saying, I'm afraid and I'm surrounded by my enemy. But I just felt like I had met a community of people who really understood me. And so I felt empathy from the Psalmist. And so as my mentor, much later, after college, gave me that challenge to praise God, even in spite of my anxiety, she clarified it. And she said to me, becky, I'm not asking you to praise God for cancer. Nobody jumps up and down and says, yeah, who got cancer? No, I mean, we don't praise God for the horror. However, we praise God for who he is in the heart. And so I really took her challenge and it changed my life. What I learned, and I want you to write this down if you're listening to us today on this podcast, i, uh, learned to turn my panic into praise. You can't predict when panic is going to come. For most of us that are moms, I dare say it comes in the middle of the night. You wake up and you're like, what if there's a school shooting tomorrow for my child? What will they do? Or what if my child gets diagnosed with this disorder or that disorder? Or what if my child never learns to read, they're having so many problems in school. Or if you're a parent of teenagers, when your child's out driving at night, panic will hit and you'll say, what if my child runs a red light because they're distracted? What if they're talking on their phone while they're driving? What if they're worse yet, texting while they're driving and panic sets in? Panic isn't going to go away anytime soon. You need a plan for your panicked moment. And that's how I learned to turn my panic into praise, because it shifts your thinking and the anxiety can't live in your brain at the same time you're praising God because there's something that happens with the chemistry of your brain that shifts and it's amazing. The results interesting.
• 9:37
  Okay, so let's do a real life example because you're bringing up a lot of those what if. So tell us what you did. Maybe a what if. I don't know, some sort of example. Maybe the driving. Some of us aren't there yet. So tell us the what if and then help us turn that into appraise. How would you do that?
• 9:59
  Yeah, and so I remember very clearly a night where Steve and I and our two younger children were living in California. Our two older children were in upstate New, uh, York. It was right after 911, for starters, which is enough to give anybody a panic attack. And I heard from my daughter, she didn't even have a cell phone. We didn't know cell phones at the time were becoming such a thing, and we couldn't afford one, so she didn't have one. She called me from the dorm phone and she's like, mom, I was driving back from Rochester over to the college where I go, and my car broke down. And so she was out on the back country roads, stranded. She went to the nearest house, knocked on the door, sobbing. I mean, it could have been a mass murder that lived in that house. I didn't know. Right. So that was one of my what if. And thankfully, an older lady lived in that house and saw my daughter crying, invited her in, made her some hot chocolate, and allowed her to use the phone. Bethany was able to call for a tow truck to get her back to campus, which was still like, 45 minutes away, and so she was safe when I got the phone call. However, that night I laid in bed and I thought of all the what ifs. Lord, she could have been raped by the side of the road. Lord, she could have entered a house of a mass murderer who would have kidnapped her and killed her, and Lord, she could have frozen to death on that fast country road on her way back to campus. I mean, all these what ifs were pummeling my mind, Sarah. And in that moment, I knew I had to get a grip. And so I literally stopped and I said, lord, I've got to change my thinking. And so because I know the alphabet, which I'm guessing most of our listeners know the alphabet.
• 11:58
  Well, we're usually teaching it at this point, yes.
• 12:00
  Right, well, some of you are some of you are past that. That's right. I began praising my way through the alphabet. Lord, I praise you that you are almighty. And this scenario with Bethany on the back roads in upstate New York did not catch you by surprise. Lord, I praise you that you are the blessed controller of all things that you were there with Bethany. Lord, I praise you that you're compassionate because you felt compassion for Bethany in that moment, and you guided her and directed her to just the right house. Lord. I prayed you that you're her deliverer. I praise you that you are her eternal life. I praise you that you are faithful and good and holy. And I just started praising my way through the alphabet. I uh, went through every character trait of God that I could think of through the alphabet. And you know what, Sarah? Within a few minutes, long before I got to Z, which would have been Zealous, by the way, I fell back asleep. And I fell back asleep in peace. The psalmist says, in peace I will lay down and sleep for you alone. O Lord, make me dwell in safety. And not only does he make us dwell in safety, he helps our kids dwell in safety.
• 13:20
  Amen. That's great, Becky. That's so practical because I think sometimes when I think of anxiety, I think of just those overwhelming thoughts, right, and they just won't stop. And some teach, like, breathing, exercise, there's all these different things. But as believers, um, right. We have that extra piece that only comes from the Lord. So I love that we can turn it back around to him.
• 13:49
  You know, it's really interesting, Sarah, because in Psalm 63, which is one of my favorite psalms, david is out in the wilderness and his son is actually threatening to kill him so that he can take over the throne. I can't imagine that. However, in that Psalm, david says to the Lord, because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. And that word for glorify that's there in the Hebrew carries a dual meaning. And I think this is so fantastic. And so it carries the idea of praising and exalting God, but it also carries the idea of calming. And some Bible scholars have said it calms God. I don't believe so. I believe, as we're praising and glorifying God, the Holy Spirit uses that to calm our anxiety.
• 14:44
  Um, wow.
• 14:46
  Mhm.
• 14:46
  That's awesome. That's really awesome. Now, I know you, um, talked about like a two step process. I don't know if I got us out of order here, but with the turning the panic into praise, but maybe even backing up from that, you talked about pouring, um, out your heart authentically, right? Yeah, let's go back to that because I think sometimes there's this thought that if you name it, it becomes more real, right? Like, oh, no, if I admit that, I would say that's for me, it's like if I don't really think about this horrible thought I'm having, then maybe it's not real. Even though it's real. Right. It's there talk about that a little bit that pouring out your heart aspect.
• 15:28
  Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up there, because the psalmists were real. I have noticed in Christian circles sometimes that there's a tendency to deny anxiety. Like, oh, I don't struggle with worry. Well, denial is really a lie. And Jesus calls us to absolute truth in our Christian walk. What I love about the psalmist is that they are gut level real. Right. And so there is this two step process. First, you've got to pour out your heart before the Lord authentically. So God knows what you're thinking anyway, you may as well tell, right? Because if you're like, oh, Lord, I thank you that I'm not struggling with any anxiety. I really believe God rules his eyes. I could be wrong, but I think he rolls his eyes kind of like, whatever. You're clearly anxious, so let's get real here. Let's bring it honestly before the throne and pour on mhm our hearts like the pilots did. Lord, I'm so anxious because my child is going to school tomorrow, and with all the school shootings, I don't know that the school has a great plan. Pour out your heart authentically before God. God, my stomach is in knots because I don't know that we financially have the money to provide what I think my child needs in the next few months. Lord, my anxiety is off the charts because my teenager is driving me crazy and I'm afraid he's getting in the wrong crowd at school. And then he's going to take up drugs and he's going to live on the streets and end up in jail. I mean, the whole thing. Pour it out authentically, then shift your focus to praise. If you read through the Psalms, they did this over and over and over again, and it worked because God has wired our mind to be able to do this. So name your anxiety, name your fears, dump them all at the feet of Jesus, grab some tissues, cry it out, and then shift your focus to praise.
• 17:46
  That's good. And I've also thought about sometimes for me, it's writing it down too. For some, it's like that verbal process for sure of speaking it of pouring out that worry. But the other, um, day, my head was swirling. I didn't think I was anxious about just one thing. And that's true, it wasn't one thing. I had, like, these bubbles, like those connecting bubbles. Um, and I just kind of tried to map it out, like, Lord, this is what my brain feels like. These are the things just to try to, like, get it out, admit what's on my heart authentically. And usually for me, it's a, uh, lot of things. So kind of like just seeing this visual of like, okay, Laurie and I know he can handle it, right. All of these things aren't a surprise to him, which is such a comfort. But it helped me kind of see, OK, this is it. And it did help some of them seem a little less significant once it was out there, because I was remembering his power overall, that we call that.
• 18:51
  A self management meeting.
• 18:53
  Sarah oh, I love that term.
• 18:55
  Every now and then you just got to have a self management meeting. Because our brains are such complicated things. They're beautiful things, but they're complicated. And like you said, sometimes I feel a generalized anxiety and I don't even know what it's about. Right. And there's anxiety mhm that comes to us from all different directions. I mean, the news. I think it's even in the air.
• 19:22
  It might be anxiety.
• 19:24
  If you've ever ridden a subway in New York City, you can feel the anxiety all around you. Or when you get on a plane and people around you are anxious, you can feel it. Right? And that means our kids can feel it. However, sometimes we need to pull back for a moment and just have a self management meeting. We need to ask ourselves the hard questions. Questions like, what exactly am I worried about? What's the worst thing that can happen in this situation? And then, what is the truth in this situation? Sometimes we tend to worry about things that will never really happen to us. Right. And God doesn't tend to give us a lot of grace beforehand. He gives us grace in the moment to face whatever we'll face. I'm thinking of another story. Sarah so, in 2014, Steve wanted me to go to Nigeria with him where he was raised. He was on sabbatical. Steve had been raised in Nigeria, and at the time, Boko Haram, the terrorist group, was ravaging the country. They were kidnapping girls. They were shooting people, setting churches on fire. And I just really wasn't sure I was up for this kind of adventure.
• 20:39
  I was terrified a little much.
• 20:42
  Please, I want you to come with me. So I prayed about it, and the Lord made it clear that I was to go, well, Sarah, here's the thing. And I don't know if this is a comforting story or not, but hopefully, uh, it is. We landed on the ground. We've been traveling, which felt like forever, to get there. Our driver picked us up. We got in the van. I fell asleep in the back of the van. About 45 minutes into the drive, I hear Steve saying what feels like out in the distance because I'm in a dead sleep. Becky, wake up. This would be a good time to pray. So I opened my eyes, and I realized, our driver is out of the van. We're in the van, and our van is surrounded by teenage boys winning AK. Um, 47 set up, saying, we don't want to have to kill you. And I'm thinking to myself, yeah, I don't really want that email.
• 21:38
  That would be great.
• 21:39
  Yeah. So in the moment I worked my plan, I turned my panic into praise, and I just silently began praising God. Lord, thank you that the children are okay in America. Thank you that if I die in this moment, I will be in heaven with you. Thank you that you have a plan here. This is not catching you off guard. Thank you that in a moment, you can turn this around. Thank you for your protection. Thank you that you are my shield and my deliverer, my fortress, my saving help. I mean, I'm just praising God, right? After 45 minutes, our driver got back in the van and we drove away and they let us through. So I don't actually know what happened to this day, but I praised God for his, uh, protection, and in the moment, I had peace because the grace of God was enough. So in the moment, ladies, god will give you the grace to endure what he calls you to.
• 22:43
  That's right. Amen. That's a great story, Becky. Uh, it also reminds me about I mean, I love how the Bible so weaves together, because later in Philippians, there's that famous passage about do not be anxious about anything, which can kind of be like, oh, shoot, I'm already messing up. But in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, just like you're describing, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I just love that promise. Right. The peace of God transcends all understanding, guards our hearts and our minds. And that's exactly what we need. Like you said, it's an extreme situation, but you saw it happen in real time.
• 23:31
  Right. And in that passage, what's interesting is Paul has already said somewhere else in his epistles that I might have less anxiety. So Paul himself.
• 23:41
  Absolutely.
• 23:43
  But then after he writes that, he writes in that same passage that you talked about in Philippians, for whatever's true, whatever is right, whatever pure, well, who is all of those things? Not himself. And as we begin praising him, he calms our anxieties and fears. It's not like Jesus needs an attaboy every now and then. It's not like God is some insecure being floating around in the sky who needs us to clap and applaud for him. He knows that as we praise Him, we will be changed. Because, like the psalmist wrote, as we glorify him, our hearts are calmed in that process, um, because we're reminded of the God that we pray that he is big enough to carry us through any trial. And so that's huge for those of us that deal with anxiety.
• 24:39
  Absolutely good stuff. So we always like to give a few practical things we've talked about. Of course, God's help his peace, reminded of who he is is huge. But I do want to be sensitive to the fact of what we opened with. Like, this is an epidemic of anxiety disorders, and it's a real thing. And sometimes we might even need extra help. So would you mind talking a little bit more about that? Because I want to make sure that moms that are listening know that we understand that part, too, when it's necessary.
• 25:13
  Absolutely. Anxiety is a real thing, and probably nobody knows that better than myself. Once again, I struggled with it.
• 25:22
  Becky the expert. Yeah, that's quite something to admit. Thank you. Thank you for helping us.
• 25:28
  I will say this. I want to start with this first. If you are struggling with mhm anxiety, check in with your medical doctor go for your physical. Find out if you're at a danger point and if the doctor prescribes medicine, take it. Christians have such wonky views about medicine for anxiety and depression. And honestly, it doesn't make sense, because if you need heart medicine, you take it. If you have a broken arm, you allow the doctor to set it in a task. If your brain is having a problem shooting off or firing off the right things in the season that you're in, ask the doctor for some help. It's much better to take medicine and get your anxiety or your depression under control than to model crazy anxiety for your kids. So take the medicine. There's no shame in that.
• 26:28
  That's right.
• 26:28
  And then exercise. Exercise is such a practical thing. But I find for me, because I'm pretty highly strong, right, I need exercise. And so I make sure I exercise at least five out of seven days a week. I will take a three mile walk, or if it's freezing cold here in Colorado, I might jump on the elliptical. But as you're exercising, your brain is shooting off endorphins, which help you feel better. And if you combine that with praise, where you're praising God, god's calming you, and your brain is being rewired while you're exercising. So don't forget exercise. Keep a blessing journal. Steve and I do this. My husband Steve and I started this during a really hard season in ministry. We keep a blessing journal in the napkin holder on our dinner table. And while we eat dinner, both of us have to share the top three blessings of the day. And if it's been a bad day, we'll keep each other in check where we'll say, well, I can't really think of anything the other one will say, all right, I'll go first. But you have only about 3 minutes to think of a blessing, because there's always blessings out there, right? So it might be something small like a cuddle from a child, or the feel of a baby's eyelashes on your cheek, or it might be the blue sky today, or it might be an encouraging phone call from one of your adult kids, or it might be the fact that you're happily married. But there are blessings out there. And again, research has actually proved this, Sarah, that if you are thankful and grateful and if you are focusing on what's good and positive, it shifts the chemistry in your brain. So don't ignore the medicine that's there from the medical community. Do take that. You might need even I'm going to say you might even need some counseling. Listen, I could be the poster child for Christian counseling because I went for seven years to a Christian counselor to deal with the pain of my childhood, because my anxiety was firmly rooted in my childhood. And so as I learned to figure that out with a therapist, that was a tremendous help for me. I don't know why Christians are so against Christian therapy? Because the Book of Proverbs says there's wisdom and advice from counselors. And that's true. So go to a counselor, take medicine, exercise, keep a blessing journal, and then lean into your friendships. Hey, we're all about staying connected here at the Connected podcast, right?
• 29:14
  Yes.
• 29:15
  So when you're having a bad day, text your friends and say, hey, I'm having a bad day. I need you to pray for me. Lean into your girlfriend. They get it. They've been awake at night worrying about their kids, too. I guarantee it. So lean into your community and find the support that you need there. You weren't meant to do this journey alone.
• 29:40
  That's right. That reminds me of this friend I have. She's lived throughout the country, and so there's this text message that I'm privileged to be on it. It's a group of all these numbers I don't even know. So they're just friends of folks along the way. And when, um, those big things happen, or when she's anticipating even being anxious about a big change in her life, she texts, um, all of us and asks us to pray. And it's just I love being included in that. I don't even know some of these people. I'm not even connected. But I feel more connected to her and that I can truly bring her before the throne right. And ask for God's help in those situations. So I love that technology helps us do that, too, face to face. I mean, counseling, um, is so important, but wherever those connections come, I think we shouldn't be afraid to tap into them, because they really do help.
• 30:33
  Yeah, absolutely. I have a couple of text threads like that, too. So if I was to recap, I want to leave you with a couple of thoughts, those of you that are out there listening. First of all, learn to turn your panic into praise. When you feel panicked, stop for a minute, pour out your heart authentically, but then shift your focus to the character of God. Okay? So turn your panic into praise. Second thing, if you need medicine, please don't be afraid to take it. Hey, I know tons of good, Godly Christian people who have taken medicine for anxiety, for depression. Do what you need to do so that you leave a good legacy, uh, for your kids. And then the third thing is dive into the Psalms and learn that the Psalms are right there with you. The Psalms. I think that's why God included them in Scripture, because there are people they get us. If you like Bible studies. I do have a Bible study called the Extraordinary Power of Praise. We'll put it in the show notes. You can order it on Moody. And in there, I talk about my own anxiety journey and how the Psalmist really came alongside of me and helped me to find the path out. Learn to turn your panic. Into praise.
• 31:56
  Those are great, Becky. Thank you. And I think I need to read that book, so thank you for the reminder on that one. Well, let's take a minute before we close. Becky, would you mind praying for those moms who are wrestling with anxiety? I know it's a real thing. And, um, let's pray for those ladies today.
• 32:17
  I would love to, Sarah. Hey, listeners, if you're out there, maybe you're walking, maybe you're folding laundry while you're listening to this. Maybe you're on the elliptical or the treadmill while you're listening to this. I just want you to receive this. I want you to know that God sees you and he is not against you in your anxiety. He is for you and he's with you. So let me pray for you. Lord Jesus, we pray for every listener out there who is really battling with worry and fear right now. There is so much that can up our anxiety quotient. Uh, and so, Lord Jesus, we invite you into our anxiety. We don't want to be feeling guilty or ashamed, but we recognize that we do worry and we do feel fear. And so would you meet us in that fear as we praise you, Lord? Would you calm the storm that's inside of us, Lord, and quiet our hearts in the moments that we are afraid, and we're tucking our little children in bed at night? Would you show us how to view our anxiety as an invitation to our needs to pray and talk with you and to pour out our hearts authentically to you and define in you the peace we need in our parenting journey? And so I pray that you would bless these mamas out there who are listening today, help them to turn to you, help them to get on their knees when anxiety is great, and to turn their panic into praise. In Jesus name, amen.
• 33:54
  Amen. Amen.
• 33:56
  Hey, thanks for joining us today on the Connected Mom podcast. We hope that you'll download these episodes and listen to them at your leisure. Join us next week where we'll talk and have real conversations again about, uh, connecting more deeply with God, more empathically with our fellow moms, and more emphasis intentionally with your child. Bye.